Shadows Over Your Shoulders

You can’t recall when, but, ever since you could recall, you’d remembered this feel, this feel, of shadows over your shoulders, and those shadows, they are SUCKING the life out of you, little, by little, each, and every day…

Shadows over your shoulders, you don’t know how they got there, but, each and every single day you’d waken up, you’d started your day off, with this heavy sense of something, pounded down on you, it’d made you suffocate.

Shadows over your shoulders, you can NEVER, EVER, E-V-E-R, get rid of them now, as they’d found a “host” forever, and, they will BE, wherever you go.  Shadows over your shoulders, but W-H-Y?  Because of the BAD things you’d done, to someone else?  Because of the lives you’d taken, so thoughtlessly?  Because I had become Jiminy, the Cricket (AKA: the COLLECTIVE CONSCIENCE???), reminding the rest of this big ol’ world that there’s a LOT of SHIT that’s going down right now, and to DO something about it!!!

Possible Infidelity

Well, did you actually CATCH that loser, with his DICK out of his pants, inside someone else? Or, his WHORE lying in that hotel bed, naked, with him, on top of her, about to penetrate? If N-O-T, then, how did you come, to suspect he MIGHT be cheating on you? Is it because he’d come home late every single night this week? Or how he became more aloof, NOT wanting to express his affections like he used to?

How, can you tell IF someone is having an affair? Oh, you go by your SIXTH sense, and, possible infidelities are just needless worries that you are troubling yourselves over, and, in the end, it’d only make you into a total PSYCHO, and you WILL (mark my words!!!) transfer your insecurities onto your partner, and, NOBODY likes anybody, breathing down her/his necks, and, eventually, the two of you are more than likely to get divorced, and, this all started, because of that single “strand” of DOUBT, you suspicions (no, it still wasn’t CONFIRMED, as there is NO proof!!!) of him, cheating on you.

Possible infidelity? There’s only YES, or NO, to infidelity, there’s no “kinda”, “sorta”, or “maybes” of infidelity, and, IF you want to make sure that the “charges” STICK, DO make sure, that you have ALL the evidence, before you LEAP, to that “conclusion”, or DO what you’re supposed to………

Driving You Away

Driving you away, this, was what I was doing, unknowingly (talkin’ ‘bout a bunch of self-unaware people here!!!). Driving you away? That, was NOT my intentions at all, oh no, all I wanted to, was for us all, to be “one big happy family”, but we’re NOT, are we?

Driving you away, that, was what I’d done, by holding to you too tightly, when you’d grown, I was still unwilling to let go, and so, yeah, I kept your umbilical cord tied and connected, to me, and now, you’d found my “replacement”, your wife, and all of a sudden, I feel, so much loss.

Driving you away, I didn’t mean to do that, can you possibly, give me another chance, I swear I’ll change, I’ll do anything, just don’t keep the grandkids away, I want to see them, every single weekend, after all, that, is the one and ONLY wish of a grandmother (here comes the GUILT trip!!!), plus, is it too much to ask, for you, to bring them by to visit me, to spend a meal with your old lady? And, need I remind you how back when you were super, duper ill, who WAS it that stayed UP all night, didn’t sleep a wink?

And it just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and the “parent” in the above still has absolutely ZERO clue of what s/he is doing wrong? Hello, you are driving your own offspring away, by being too overbearing, too controlling, mommies, AND daddies, and, here’s a “side note”, we children are already G-R-O-W-N, and, we do NOT need you, to worry about us, after all, I’d already figured OUT my own life, and, because you are way too hovering over yours, that, is why they still couldn’t stand UP on their own there!!!

Listening

Translated…

After I’d retired, I should BE at home, playing with my grandchildren, and enjoying my elderly years. This thought came just in time.

In order to live, we must remain active, I’d gone to a nursing home in Taoyuan to volunteer, to help those who are ill.

At the beginning, I didn’t know HOW to communicate with those who were ill, and I’d become agitated. Later on, after a social worker told me how, I’d learned, to use “listening” in place of “giving advice.”

Once while I was on duty, a person diagnosed with depression came to sit at the front desk very abruptly, he’d started ranting about how he wanted to die, I was so totally confused. Even though I couldn’t grasp what he wanted me to do for him, I’d still used the mind of care and concerns, and heard him rant, for a total of an hour’s time.

After he’d poured out his heart, he left the nurse’s station with a lightness in his step. All of a sudden, it’d dawned on me, this, is life saving! I’m so very glad, that I can do my share for the world, I feel extremely glad.

And so, the patient only needed a “trash can” where he could dump HIS trash, and, because the person who wrote this couldn’t understand what the patient wanted, what kind of help he’d needed, he was able to just listen, and, after the patient poured HIS heart out, he’d felt a whole lot better, see, listening IS powerful, and, think of HOW many psychological illnesses CAN be eliminated, if we’d only listened more? And yet, we’re still NOT listening, to each other, and even ourselves, are you FUCKING (like I’d said!!!) kidding me???

A Man Stuck a Knife into His Abdomen and Died on the Bed, His Ex-Wife Said that “She Didn’t Hear Him”

From the Front Page Sections, translated…

A cab driver, Jiang yesterday morn, was f9ound, nude, with a knife in his abdomen, dead, at his rental home,, his ex who still lived with him, Luan called it in, and claimed that Jiang had to give away his beloved dog that he’d been depressed for a long time, that, was why he’d committed suicide; but the family members didn’t believe it, suspected that he was drugged, then murdered, asked the police to look in depth.

The police found, that the thirty-three year old Jiang was cohabiting with his thirty-one-year-old ex, Luan, three months ago, they’d started renting the place together, a month ago, they’d divorced, because of personality differences, but still lived together, at the middle of March, they’d gotten into a fist fight due to an oral disagreement, the neighbors called the police.

The ex-wife yesterday called in the police, told them, that early in the morning, when she was taking a shower, after she finished, she’d gone out into the bedroom, and saw Jiang naked and lying flat on the bed, with a knife into his abs, exposing only the handle.

When the police arrived at the scene, they’d found Jiang with three wounds, there was blood on the flood and on Luan’s clothes, but there was NO sign of intrusion or fighting, and they didn’t find a last note, and so, the police is NOT ruling out murder. After the police examined the scene, they’ll send him to autopsy, to determine, the real cause of his death tomorrow.

Luan said, that she was taking a shower, with the bathroom doors closed, that she didn’t hear anything that went on outside, that they two had three Chihuahuas as pets, and recently, the landlord told them that they were getting too loud that it’d disturbed the neighbors, and so, she’d given two of their pets away to keep; Jiang was very displeased with this, and had left home for two days without contacting her, and that, might be the cause of his suicide.

But the police found out, that on the twenty-ninth, Jiang had gone on a trip with Luan to the beach, and right after he’d returned home, something bad happened to him, and that they still have check the facts of Luan’s claims.

Jiang and Luan had both been married once before, Jiang’s ex went to the police station, to ask about his death, and, the two ladies started accusing each other of wrongdoings.

And so, how can you NOT hear someone DYING outside in the bathroom? Maybe, you’d turned UP the water too loud? And, what, exactly had caused this man’s suicide? I’m sure, that it has MORE to do with his pets being given away…………

A Sixth Grade Boy Fell Out of a Thirteenth Story Window and Died, His Five Playmates Were Too Shocked to Describe to the Police Exact What Had Happened

You’d think that kids at THAT age would know better, right???  WRONG!!!  From the Front Page Sections, translated…

A sixth grade boy last night, fell from the thirteenth floor, the TOPMOST level of his home, to his death, the police investigated and found that he was playing with his five other classmates, and, afterwards, the five classmates were too dumbfounded to tell the police WHY their friend had fallen off.  The police already reported this, and are now, checking into exactly W-H-Y he’d fallen off.

The subprecinct in Taoyuan investigated that yesterday at 5:40 in the afternoon, the fire departments got a call, that there was a boy, lying, on the pavement in front of his building; as the firefighters arrived at the scene, the little boy had NO sign of life, and, after they’d rushed him to the hospitals, he was already gone.

The security guard looking over the building told the firefighters, that the little boy who’d died was NOT a resident, the patrol officers had found five other little boys at the topmost floor, and found that the one who fell off was their classmate, that they were horse-playing together, but the five kids couldn’t stop shaking, and couldn’t tell exactly how the tragic accident had occurred.

The police notified the child’s parents, and after the parents heard, they’d rushed to the hospital, and found, that their son was JUST at his friend’s house playing, and now, he’s a DEAD body, they were too emotionally distraught, and couldn’t accept it, kept asking, “What the HELL happened?”, hoping that the police can get to the cause of their son’s death.

The police pointed out, that they’d already taken the other little boys into the precinct for questioning, and had called their legal guardians or their parents, but the five kids all told that they’re “unclear of what’d happened”, or that they “didn’t see anything.”

The preliminary inquiries found, that the boy who’d fallen off is around 4’6, and that the wall was just a little BIT shorter, and that it could be possible, that he might’ve flipped over the walls, while horse playing.

And so, these boys are still OLDER, and, it was still, JUST an accident, after all, parents still can’t keep TABS on their children 24/7, and plus, the parents had to work, and, so, NO supervisions, that, is why and HOW this had occurred, and yeah, it could’ve been avoided, but why wasn’t it???

An Empty Nest

Just like those baby bird who NO longer needed their parents’ care anymore…

An empty nest, this, is what I’m left with, along with an empty heart, after you’d gone, you were, the tornado that came through town, and destroyed EVERYTHING in your path, including me, the ONLY possible person in the entire world who CAN possibly love you. An empty nest, can you imagine the sense of loss those mother birds feel, that after they’d brought back over a MILLION worms to keep their offspring full, and after the babies’ wings grew strong enough, they flew out, and never return again.

An empty nest, this, is what I’m looking at right now, and, I don’t know H-O-W I’m ever going to feel up this void, this need, to take care of somebody, because I need, to be needed.

An empty nest, this, is what you’re left with, isn’t it? And, how does it feel, KNOWING, for certain, that that nest that’s emptied will NEVER, ever, E-V-E-R, be filled back up again? Huh? How, does THAT feel???

The Lie, that Circled Around the Truth

The lie, that circled around the truth, wanting, to make itself, into the truth, but it can’t, it will, forever and for always, BE nothing MORE than a lie.

But that didn’t defer it at all, oh no!!! I’d first, put on a mask, to falsify itself, to hopefully, TRICK people into believing, that it is the truth, but, people are NOT at all as DUMB as the lie that circled around the truth imagined to be, they knew, right OFF the bat, that it’s a lie, FLAT out!!!

The lie that circled around the truth, because it’d circled around the truth like those vultures circled around that dying gazelle, and, we ALL KNOW what happened there, the animal eventually D-I-E-D, and, those vultures had their stomachs filled, and, just like that lie that circled around the truth, the lie ended up, devouring the truth, until, the truth can’t be found, as the truth had already been DIGESTED inside the stomach of the lie.

The lie that circled around the truth, it’s stalking it, taunting it, making the truth feel unsafe, so, the truth will have the motive to lie, and, if and when that happens, the truth will NO longer have ITS identity anymore!!!

Settled, as a Homemaker

The roles we women MUST take up, translated…

After the family gathering, my mother-in-law started doing the dishes in the sink, “Mom, just leave it for May to clean!”, my husband’s older sister called out to her.

During the New Year’s, my eldest daughter helped out with the dishes, my mother-in-law told her, “Don’t do it, leave it for your mother to clean!”

My husband’s eldest brother’s daughter dropped off a huge cart of tomatoes, my husband’s older sister called, “Go tell auntie, to divide it up.”

After the holidays had ended, I’d dropped my son off at the train stations, “Mom, take good care of dad!”, that, was the words of my son.

In the conversations, May, mom, and aunt are all the same person, a woman who didn’t know barley from wheat, who couldn’t tell the differences between a leek and a chive, the youngest daughter who has absolutely NO clue of where her family field was—me!

And still, I’d married into a strictly patriarchal agricultural family, and, I didn’t know their house rules yet, I’d interjected into my husband and my father-in-law’s conversations, and, I saw my father-in-law, lifting up his head, turned his head away from me.

When I was pregnant with my firstborn, on the way home, I’d gotten into an argument with my husband, I’d rode out on my motorcycle, I didn’t see my husband search for me, because he must hurry into the kitchen, as my in-laws are about to return from working in the fields.

The fifty day after I got out of the hospital from having my firstborn, my mother-in-law told me to cook whatever I wanted for myself.  And, every weekend, the entire family would head out into the fields, leaving me and an infant, at home, preparing the foods, at which time, I had to carry my son on my back, as I busied about in the kitchen, and at the same time, I’d also had to put on hot water for bath.  My husband who’d returned home from the fields, saw how ashen my face looked, couldn’t get a handle on the tasks, laughed and called me “Cinderella”.

And, New Year’s were even WORSE a nightmare, my husband’s married aunt and sisters returned home, along with the relatives that came by to visit, it’d kept me kitchen-bound from New Year’s Eve, until the fifth day after the lunar calendar New Year, was I able, to make my way back to my own home again.  Had my friends known about how I’d spent my New Years, they would’ve called me “grandma”.

I don’t know, that in this family, if I am being counted on, being used up, or being belittled?  I just recalled, how one time as I busied myself about in the kitchens, and my father-in-law came in from the fields, and called me by my first name, I was so moved that I’d started crying.

It’s been over twenty years now, and, during this time, I’d complained, hated, despised, cried out loud, and, what did it change?  Nothing.  Changing others’ behaviors is basically impossible, all I could do, was to keep changing myself, keep suppressing myself, and keep telling myself: that there must be a woman who knows her place, working at home, without any word of complaints.  The Chinese character for “Security” is just like so, isn’t it?  And I am, that woman, that sits underneath that great big roof!

And so, all this woman wanted, was a little extra appreciation, a little MORE kindness from her husband and his side of the family, but, did she get it?  HECK NO!  They’d still treated her like a maid, and, because she’s raised by the traditional Asian ways, she could only SUCK it all up, well, it might be that way for the older generations, but, NOT for us, this newer “breed” of women who are

An Empty Shell of a Marriage

And so, why are you still keeping up with this façade??? A Q&A, translated…

Q Madam W wrote…

She is forty-seven, her husband, fifty-three, they’re both in the primes of their lives right now, but, seven years ago, they’d stopped being intimate with one another, she didn’t feel comfortable being proactive, and, he’d relieved himself from his sexual duties in his everyday living, until recently, he felt bad, said to her, “My penis now serve the sole function of letting me urinate.” And, his words, they angered her. He had a history of infidelity from a long time ago, and now, he’d had his affair with a woman he’d worked with for many years on end, W had also met the woman. And she KNEW that her husband was up to something, but she didn’t know what to do, she just feels so much pain right now.

A My Advice

The most painful part of a marriage, is being tied together, after the love is NO longer existent, and had to turn a blind eye, to the partner’s cheating ways, and the cheating person didn’t have the courtesy to keep everything hushed, just hoped that the other person would keep silent about it.

The couple is NO longer connected on an intimate level, there’s absolutely NO trust, the cheat doesn’t feel like divorcing, because maybe, the spare has no intentions of replacing the person, or that the wife still had her functionality in his household, or the children, or, other reason, he too, had never thought about divorce. And, even though the victimized spouse didn’t want to divorce, but, there’s NO intimacy, no trust, and seemingly, the empty shell of a marriage without love, she also, didn’t know, HOW to keep it going.

My advice is quiet simple: figure out whether or not YOU want to divorce? Do you have what it takes? Consider both economical and psychological independences, if you had the strength, do you have a plan for the future or not. And, after you’d decided to go through with divorce, then, decide whether or not to catch him in the act, consider the alimony, along with custody, and other important matters too.

If you don’t want to divorce, and couldn’t change the goings-on of your marriage, then, change yourself, transform yourself, from inside to out, to find some activities you’d enjoyed doing, to live your life fully. And, once you have your self-confidence, the whole world will change, and, maybe then, W, would be the one, who would want to get divorced!

And so, because this woman lived HER life around her husband AND family, he, was her everything, and so, that, was why she was so strained by his affair, and because this LOSER couldn’t make UP his mind, I mean, why would he? If he could have an old maid, who cooks, cleans, SUCK his DICK for him, who would turn a blind eye to his whoring around town, and so, this woman, is still stuck, and she MUST throw the first P-U-N-C-H, instead of waiting for the first PUNCH to be thrown AT her.