All the Hurtful Things You’d Said to Me

I wish that I can say, that none of it mattered, but, it’d still, affected me, but, I’m slowly, becoming, desensitized to it.  All the hurtful things you’d said to me, had become, something, that fueled me, those awful words that had, gotten too deep, into my ear canals, had finally, made me deaf!

what it felt like at the beginning…not my photo…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, after so many years, it’d, still hurt, but, a little less every single day, and, I suppose, that one day, all the hurtful things you’d said to me, will NO longer affect me, it’s just, that that day, hadn’t, “arrived” yet…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they don’t matter now, I’d become stronger, hearing all the hurtful things you’d said to me, and, they no longer, hurt me anymore, they’d become, nothing more than those cold winter winds that cuts through the skin on the surfaces now……………

and now…

no longer “registering”, ‘cuz I’d, tuned you O-U-T!!!

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they’d, become, this never-healing infection of my childhood days, and growing up, I’d, carried all my scars that marked my body, and now, as I’d become, an adult, those scars became scabs, and, underneath those ugly scabs, there are, newly, grown-in layers of skin, waiting to come out.

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Being Different…

I’m like you all, my classmates, but, not exactly, I have a mom, who’s from a foreign world as opposed to the one I’m currently “staying in”…

When I first entered into class, I spoke the mainstream languages with a perfect tone, absolutely NO weird accents, but, the other kids, they’d still, made fun of me.

not my drawing.

I tried to fit in, tried to engage myself into their discussions, but, every time they saw me approaching, they’d all just, scattered and dissipate, as if, they’re avoiding me, like I’m the plague or something!  And, it’d, hurt.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being different, but, the feedbacks from my external environment seemed to prove otherwise.  I keep on, getting the signals, that I should be thankful, being different from everybody else, and yet, in my day-to-day interactions, that “theory”, it just, can’t seem to work out that well at all!

not my picture.

And now, after being casted away, singled out by my cohort, I’m starting to feel ashamed of my difference, and eventually, I’d become, so scared of being different, that I’d do anything, to blend in with the rest of the crowd………

Too Scared to Tell…

We were, too scared to tell the truth, because NOBODY’s gonna take our words over theirs, after all, they’re, respected, by the community, and, we’re, just nobodies…and besides, who’s gonna believe us?  They’d probably say, that we’re just, looking for attention is all, but, we really aren’t, it REALLY happened.

Too scared to tell, because he was in a position of power, and, he’d used that against her, he’d manipulated her into believing what’d happened, was ALL her fault, when he was, actually the one to blame.

Too scared to tell, that, was how she grew up, and, even though, she’s no longer threatened now, she still chose, to keep her lips sealed, because nobody’d believed her before, why should they start to believe her now?  Too scared to tell, it’s NO use, nobody CAN help her out, and so, she must, weather through the abuse from someone she trusted, with her life, and, the betrayals are not just from him to her, but also, from her, to herself as well…

Too scared to tell, as nobody had ever believed anything she told, from that very first time when her daddy came into her bedroom when she was in her younger years, she DID tell her mama, and, her mama didn’t believe her, and, when she’d told her mama again, her mama got real mad, and that, was how alone she’d felt growing up, and now, she’s all grown up, she’s still being victimized, as she’d learned, to become, helpless.

Signs of Being Bullied

From the papers, translated…

1. Emotionally Low
2. Experiencing a Lot of Tensions, Fearing Offending Someone
3. Fearing Interactions with Others
4. Fearing Lonely, Needing Others’ Company
5. Evading School
6. Nightmares, Insomnia, Other Physical Health Problems
7. Overly Egotistical, Putting on a False Strong Front

• Too Unemotional, with a Lack of Emotional Response

And these, are just some of the most recognized symptoms, so, WATCH out for them, because, the teachers don’t have the time, and, it’s still, UP to you, PARENTS, to recognize these signs, and, recognizing these signs can prevent another tragedy from happening to a child.

Was it Insults? Was it Bullies? A Last Year Middle School Student Leapt Off of the Top of the School Building, and Was Seriously Injured

Bullied into attempting suicide here, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

A last year student from a certain middle school in Chiayi, yesterday afternoon, took the leap from the roof of the library, he was taken to the hospital, with serious injuries.  This student had been bullied by others by having a stick shoved up his anus, and yesterday, he was mocked, “Your booty hurts”, and, if the reason of him leaping off of the roof of the library has anything to do with this matter, the school is still checking into it.

Yesterday at around three in the afternoon, there were multiple first year students who were cleaning the areas outside their classrooms, who’d heard painful cries, and, they’d walked close, and found this student, bleeding from his head, lying on his side, on the ground, they’d immediately notified the school officials.  The Manager of Student Affairs rushed to the scene, used his own hand as a pillow, protected the student’s head, and the paramedics from the fire department lifted him to the hospitals immediately.

The place where the student fell was between a teaching building and the school library, the school officials realized that there was a tight railing around the outside walls of this new teaching building, that with this student’s thinly built frame, he couldn’t possibly pass over it.

The school said, that the student’s class was on the first floor, and, after they’d reviewed the surveillance, they’d realized, that before the fall, the student had, gone to the third floor of the newly erected building, flipped over the 125 centimeter of protective walls, followed the path, climbed up to the roof of the library building, sat, quietly.

Another teacher, who saw this student climbing over, told him, “Don’t climb over there!”, but, before he had a chance to stop him, he’d already, fallen off.  And the surveillance only had the footage of the student falling to the ground, he’d fell, feet first, then, his body crushed his hands, and he fell to the side.

The man in charge of the student affairs said, that this student was very popular in his class, made good grades, with no records of seeing his counselors, and had only written on his assignment books, “I’m really annoyed”; about a month ago, he was bullied by his fellow classmates, with someone, clapping his hand together, and stuck their hands into his anus, although it was, just a game, and the school had, intervened into the matter too, and the student who’d bullied him had already apologized, but, it seemed, that yesterday, he was made fun of once again, “your butt hurts”.

Based off of understanding, the student’s parents were divorced, his father worked away from home, and would come home on the weekends, he’d lived with his grandmother.  And the grandma disclosed, that these past couple of day, he’d become silent, as they’d regularly carried on in conversations, the grandmother had wanted to ask the teachers if something had happened at school, but, he’d already, taken the leap.

When the student was lifted to the hospital, there was an open fracture on his right hand, a mild concussion, multiple contusions all over his body, he was conscious, but couldn’t answer questions, he was taken to the ICU for observations, to see if he would need surgery.  The department manager of the Department of Education , Hsiao said, that after the student recovers, he will then, inquire to see if he was bullied.

And, as you can imagine, this was, probably a build up, he was physically taunted by someone, and, the last straw was how those who’d taunted him had made fun of him once again, and, he probably realized, that this would follow him like a shadow for the rest of his life, and, he didn’t want to deal with it anymore, that, was why he’d attempted suicide.

Secret Note

Traveling through time, to way back when, translated…

There are multiple ways you can travel through time, for instance, using the Time Machine made by Doraemon, or through the diary of The Butterfly Effect, through traveling back through time, to rewrite history.  For me, time travel is not through those not-yet-invented machines, or some special diaries, what transported me were the names, the nicknames I was referred to when I was a teen.

At age seventeen, I was given some sort of a reputation, and received a slimy, soggy piece of paper, with the writings smeared that with the red ins, “It’s abnormal for girls to have short hair, you’re just like Ella and Yanzi Sun, W-E-I-R-D!”

I didn’t reply, just rolled up the toilet paper, and tossed it into the trash can at the back of the classroom, many years ago, I’d understood, that that ball of message, that’s gone god-knows-where is bullying.  It’s been a little over a decade now, Yanzi Sun and Ella both grew their hair longer.  I wanted to mail their records now back to when I was seventeen, to use it as a rebuttal for the notes written to me.

And so, this, is bullying, because you looked a certain way, for whatever reasons, you got picked on, and, you didn’t realize it, but it was, girl-on-girl bullying, and now, you’re older, looking back, you realized, how those bullies are just what they are: bullies, and you’d proven them wrong!

Reliving the Traumas of Your Childhood Years

This, is what you’ll ALWAYS and FOREVER BE doing, until you’d dealt with everything!  Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, you have NO other options but to, because growing up, you were never given the time, to cope, to deal, with the losses of your youthful careers, and now, all of that’s caught up to you.

Reliving the traumas of your childhood years, you will, until you’d finally figured it all out, the origins of your pains, and, come to your senses about how those two people who should love you, never had, and, that, is the cruel, cold truth that you will get murdered by, as I’d already been MURDERED by the same things already.

Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, and, until you can, feel ALL those emotions that you’d prevented yourselves from experiencing fully and completely, you will NEVER be able, to get out of the darkness you live in.  Reliving the traumas of your childhood, you must, because if you don’t, you will NEVER realize and come to acceptance that you’d been damaged, and that, you were, BEYOND repair!

Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, you will, but, you can’t, because even AT the “tender” (yeah, you’ve GOT to be SHITTING me here!!!) age of SIXTY, you still can’t admit that you had abused your own offspring, like your parents had abused you, because, they were beaten up, physically, by their own adoptive parents, and this sort of SHIT will keep getting passed down from one generation to the next, until someone takes notice, and change, but, can someone be intelligent enough, to realize one’s own mistakes, admit to it (without apologizing!), and change?  Yeah, I’ll get back to you on that, sometime, in the future………