Category Archives: Re-Experiencing the Trauma

A Part of My Past, that I Just, Don’t Want to, Re-Visit…

“It’s just a part of my past that I just, don’t want to, re-visit again!”

And that was all she, wrote…

But, you can’t help but wonder, what had, happened to her when she was so young, that made her, shut away, all those, memories of old, and, being as young and innocent as you, you kept on, prodding, prodding, prodding her.

Until she had enough of you, badgering her nonstop, and finally, snapped!

what that looked like, for her…

illustration from online

And, you’d come to know, that there’s, that taboo on the past, that you are never supposed to, mention to her about, and, that taboo, it’d, tagged along, as you grow older…

A part of my past, that I just, don’t want to, revisit again, and yet, it kept on, visiting, revisiting me, when I close my eyes at night, I can’t even, ward them off (like evil???), every night as I lay myself down to sleep at night (prayed my soul the lord to keep, yada, yada, yada!), they always, come back, to haunt me.

A part of my past, that I just, don’t’ want to, revisit again, and, despite how I wanted to, leave those memories behind, they can’t stay suppressed forever, even as I’d, worked too hard, casting them out of my mind during the day, there’s no way, of warding them off at night, as they manifest themselves, and became those horrible things that frightened me in my dreams………

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Filed under Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

The Predatory Instructor Enticed the Adolescent Girls to Pose Nude & Raped Them, Sentenced to a Heavy Twenty-Five Years

Do you, parents, feel safe, with a predator like this, posing as a schoolteacher, in your children’s, schools???  I wouldn’t imagine so!  This is still, an abuser/enabler interaction style that’s presented here, in this case, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

An office manager of an unnamed cram school in the southern parts, Lee had enticed the middle, high school age girls to pose nude for him, then, threatened every one of them that he’ll send the photos all over, to coerce the victims to have sexual intercourse, there were at least, eleven school age girls who’d been found as victims, the police search found, close to 600 nude photos in the man’s possessions, there were victims who’d told, that they’d been controlled by Lee for five whole years, the courts grilled Lee for using the girls as tools that he could use at any time, sentenced him to a harsh twenty-five years.

Since 2015, Lee had falsified himself as a woman on FB, and randomly found multiple middle and high school age girls, sent the private messages, claimed that he was looking for underwear models, and had the victims take shots on themselves in only their underwear, or nude, that he will pay them, there were, eleven found adolescent female victims, who’d sent anywhere from fifteen to seventy-one nudes to Lee.

There were the teenage girls who’d found Lee’s demands improper, and wanted out, then Lee used a dummy account, and threatened to spread the nude photos of his victims online, to get the adolescents to send him photos every single day, and the victim had, complied, and, from her middle school into her high school years, sent a total of close to six hundred shots or videos, and wired over $110,000N.T. to Lee.

In 2017, Lee met another high school age girl out, claimed that he was looking for model to pose in underwear, but, forcibly took the adolescent girl to a motel, and threatened her, “you have to strip for me, allow me to take your nude photos, then I will pay you”, forced to take her shots nude, and, molested her; the police received multiple calls of adolescent girls, and back in 2020, Lee was finally caught in Kaohsiung.

During the trial, Lee denied the allegations, claimed that he didn’t know that his victims were underage, but had mentioned to them that he was looking for models, that the photos they’d sent him will need to get reviewed first; the victimized adolescent female claimed, that Lee had started connecting with her since her first year of middle school, and threatened to go viral with the nudes she’d sent him, that she’d been under Lee’s control for as long as five whole years to date.

Lee had even threatened the young woman, “I think, I should, go public with your name and personal information then”, the young girl, out of fear, continued to send her nude photos to him, and continued wiring the money to him, the courts found, that the adolescent girl was coerced, and feared what Lee may do, that was why she kept sending him the photos.

The judge considered that Lee is over thirty years of age, and can tell right from wrong, and had used these girls for his own personal sexual pleasures long-term, controlled them, and the victims’ ages ranged from elementary school to high school, and after he was caught, he’d evaded responsibilities, continued damaging these adolescent girls’ lives, forced them to continue producing the sexually-illicit images, molesting them, found him guilty on five charges, gave him a heavy sentence of twenty-five years.

So, are there, victims here?  Or, is this still, an abuser/enabler relationship interaction style?  I mean, these young girls (too dumb, and inexperienced of the world!!!) should’ve told an adult they trusted in their lives, or called the cops, but, because this man preyed on their fears, and all of these, victims (or enablers, whichever you see as fitting calling them!), all allowed him to take advantage of them, that’s why, this LOSER was able to, do this SHIT, for as long as he had, and now, he got twenty-five years behind bars.  But that’s still, nowhere NEAR quite enough, to repair for the damages of these innocent, naïve, school-age girls’, lives, is it?  Nowhere NEAR, close!

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Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Exposed, Crime & Punishment, Innocence Lost, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, On the Wrong Side of the Law, Punishment Doesn't Fit the Crime, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sex Sells, sexual misconducts, Violence Against Members of Opposite Sex, White Picket Fence

The Fragmented Memories of His Forgotten Childhood Now Slowly, Remembered…

The memories of what he’d tried desperately to recall but couldn’t, all came back to the surfaces again…

The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood now slowly, remembered, because, he was, finally, ready for them now.  The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood, a childhood, full of, darkness, of pain, of hardships had been, blocked out of his awareness, for survival’s sake, and now, as he’d, survived those years, he finally started to, remember.

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, to say the impact was less, was a total, lie, because it wasn’t, but now he’d, matured, he could, better deal with them, more effectively, unlike how he may have dealt with them, had they come back to him, earlier.

查看來源圖片
the nightmares of the past all came back to life! Sketch from online

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered.  What do you want from me?  He’d asked them, and, received, NO replies, because his past had been, dead a long, long, long time, and it takes them awhile, to finally, come back to life again!

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, it was painful, but, as he’d, reexperienced all the moments of trauma of his younger years, he’d reminded himself, that he wasn’t, that helpless young child anymore, and he was better able to cope with everything, like he was, watching a movie of his own, childhood trauma, as an, outsider…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Children in Mindset, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

Find Her Self, Passed Out, in the, Bathrooms…

She came to find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with the mascara, running off from her face.  She’d cried too hard, as he’d, broken it off with her, and she couldn’t, understand W-H-Y, it’d, ended, I mean, they were, so perfect together…

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress torn off, like she’d been, raped or something, and she tried to remember what’d happened to her before, and just, couldn’t, so she stayed, afloat in midair, until the paramedics came, and, took her, to the E.R.

how she’d found her, self…

查看來源圖片
photo found online

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, she’s, drawing that huge BLANK, of the moments, leading her, to finding her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, what had, happened, huh?  She kept asking, wondering, but her mind draws that huge, blank.

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress, torn, and her body felt the pains.  And, everything started, coming back again…………

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, that was that, everything else was, a total blur, as they’d, stuck that tube down her throat, she could hear that, loud and, noisy, beeping sound, and people scattering to and from, but, nothing else, not, anymore.

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Filed under A Cycle of Kindness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Properties of Life, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults, White Picket Fence

On that Dirt Bike, to Find Dad

The posttraumatic experience of weathering through the biggest earthquake in the history of Taiwan back on September 21, 1999, how the effects of the earthquake stayed in you, even to, this, very day…translated…

Upon reading the article “The Alarms Sounding Off in the Ruins” on September 21st by the writer, Yen, it got my imagination running wild.  That deep autumn night of twenty-two years ago, the moon was with her gentle glow, but, the people who’d become, separated by life and death became, like those wounded wolves, howling aloud in pain up at the moon, and that twisting and winding mountain and river, I simply, can’t put out of, my mind.

My pops at age seventy-five, longed to see the beautiful sceneries of Guguan, and since he was discharged from the services, he’d, returned back to his hometown, and returned back to life of that simple farmer, with the hoe, he’d gone to his field by the day, and he got a perfect view of the seven heroes of Guguan.  On the evening of September 21st, there was total power outage across the entire island, the communications got shut down too, I couldn’t get in touch with pops who lived in the mountains, worried for the entire night.  Early the following morn, my younger brother and I drove into the mountains to find him, as we drove from Fengyuan toward Dongshih, there was this huge breakage on the roads, the roads were elevated three stories high, broken.  There’s nothing for us to do but to turn back around, and instead, we took out our dirt bikes, headed up another alternative mountain pass, and, went toward Dongshih by way of Daohsingshe, back then, the Dongfeng Bridge was about to break off, but, our motorcycles ran across it, barely.

As soon as we entered into the local streets of Dongshih, I could still remember what it’d looked like right now: the houses fallen down, the tall buildings, broken in half, the dead bodies covered in white clothes, with the legs showing only, those who are waiting for rescue, with the wrapped bandages on their heads, the mothers with eyes so hollow, holding tight to their own young…………I couldn’t, take a second look, just, stepped on the gas, and, pass through fast as I could.

【看當年】九二一大地震 – YouTube

(and yes the link works!)

My brother and I dodged the fallen rocks along the ways, the fallen trees, by the time we got to the tunnel, the tunnel was already, collapsed, no more roads up ahead we can drive into.  wed parked the vehicle, and, the two of us, sister and brother, went down to the river valley, all the way upstream the Daja Creek, and, we’d, cut the passage open ourselves, and on the way, we’d bumped into the younger generations of the local natives who are headed down the mountains to get help, after we’d exchanged intel, we’d called out to them, “Luka” (meaning, keep moving forward, this was, the only Atayal word remained, inside my memories), and, wished one another, a safe passage, then, I’d, handed the keys to my vehicle to the man, hoping it’ll help him get down the mountains to get the help quickly enough, he’d asked me, how he shall, return the keys back to me, I’d told him that it wasn’t, necessary, that the dirt bikes are a necessity, for his life in these parts.

We’d walked for five whole hours, arrived at Guguan, just before sunset, our ancestral home was, half torn down, the sweet olive tree, the persimmon tree, rooted up completely, thankfully, all the elders, the children all found their way at the springs hotels, and the springs hotel served its function of a temporary shelter, with foods and water, and a place to stay.  Nobody was injured in the valleys, only two dead hens that got crushed, thanks to the blessings of, God.

Seeing how pops are without a scratch on him, after we’d had our instant noodle with an egg that was heated, then suddenly, I’d, let the worries, fall off, my shoulders then, I’d, broken down, started crying like hell, and I can, no longer, contain myself anymore, the townships of Dongshih was hell on earth!  And I’d, just, walked from the hell on earth, out!

For the many years following, I’d often waken up in my dreams, and scared to sweating like crazy, that long street, became the River Styx, and who’s, the ferryman there.

Awhile ago, at 6:41 in the evenings, I felt the land shaking underneath my feet, the cabinets started, clinking and clanking around, I flew into, a panic then.  Every year at Mid-Autumn Festivals, I’d always, felt tightened up, more so this year compared to the previous, and I’d worried about the crowds gathering up too.

And so, this earthquake that’s, occurred just a while ago, it’d, triggered the memories of your fears of the earthquake back in 1999, and that’s, expected, after all, the one that occurred back in 1999, was totally with, too many fatalities, especially when you’d seen death, all the way, to find your father, it left that, deep impression inside of you, and this recent one, it’d, triggered everything, brought everything you’d felt back in 1999 back again.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, the Finality of Life

Huang: Writing on FB, Getting Along with My Illness, “Everybody, I’m Experiencing My High Cycles of Bipolar Right Now”

Opening themselves up, to the online community, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Telling the World about Their Depressions, They’d Fought BACK the Tabooed Names of Mental Illnesses

“I really want to die”, Huang had posted the line on FB many a times, sometimes, she’d told the process of slashing her own wrists in detail, or, posted the photos of her own self-inflicted cuts on her wrists. Huang sad, since she was sexually assaulted by someone she’d met online, she’d started experiencing hallucinations and became suicidal.

Replying to the Comments, Don’t Force-Feed Me the Chicken Soup of the Soul

“I wrote on impulse, because when the emotions came, it became too hard for me to bear”, there were those who’d left the comments of, “hey, don’t get upset” or told her to seek out spiritual guidance on the comment sections of her posts; Huang replied back, “Don’t force-feed me the chicken soup for the soul”.

Huang, posing at her favorite spot in school, the staircases, with the sun shining down

黃靖茹喜歡校舍樓梯間的陽光,她常在這裡拍IG上的配圖。記者許詩愷/攝影
“I just want to be free, I just want my pains to be acknowledged, that others won’t have to be tried as hard as I’d been”

Six years ago, Huang went into counseling for her cyclothymia, and was treated with prescription medications.  This is a milder form of bipolar, when she had a relapse, she may be bedridden for two weeks, only cried, not eaten, not spoken, and mutilated herself.

Born in 1999, as a millennium baby, she’s used to writing her thoughts on FB, she’d told the real-life experience of her being sexually assaulted, being overcome with her cyclothymia.  “Everybody, I’m manic now!”, she’d still announced on FB, sounded like “menstrual cycle”, very, matter-of-fact.  But, on FB, she’d, reduced that impulsivity she’d felt, and, gotten to learn to get along better with her own mental illness.

There’s no nationality of the younger generations’ coming out with their hurt.  The Japanese tennis star, Naomi Francois, in Time Magazine stated, “I hope that people can understand, it’s okay to not be okay!”  Because she wasn’t well psychologically this year, she’d, refused to go to the press conferences of the French Open this year, and she was fined; after she’d won the first rounds of tennis matches, she’d announced that she was out of the competitions, due to her depression.

The famed gymnast, Simone Biles, who won FOUR Olympic gold medals in the Tokyo Olympics this year, she’d dropped out, stated, “I need to take care of my mental health now.”

And, this still just showed, how far, these younger generations had come, from being socialized to not tell about it, to breaking down the barriers of discriminations, the taboos of mental illnesses, opening up about their own experiences with mental illnesses, post-traumatic stress response, and, their experiences are going to, help a lot of whom are experiencing similar things, and, these are, brave younger generations of women we need to look up to.

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Filed under Abuse, Life, Mental Health Issues, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

Drawing Out Monsters

Monsters, they started, spilling out from the ink of the artist’s pen…

He’d, taken out that sketchpad, and then, his hand took on a life of, its own, and, the monsters, they came out, one by one, faster, than the, speed of life, he’d, sketched, page after page, after page, after page, and his monsters are still, nowhere NEAR, done with him, not by, a long, long, shot!

查看來源圖片
like this…found online

Drawing out monsters, she started, coloring up those pages, of her childhood life, and, the monsters, made scary noises, thrilled her, she thought Teddy was her, best mate, until, the monsters, took him away, and she was, left, without, the protections of him (the Teddy bear???).  Drawing out monsters, it seemed, that there are, always, more monsters that, longed to, come out, onto the pages, that she will, NEVER be done, like those princesses that danced, through the nights, and, it’d, made her, so tired…

Drawing out monsters, she’s, finally, finished, she’s, now an adult, and, became a mother, to her own, lost, child, and, as those monsters, started, getting restless again, in her memories of her childhood, she’d, told them, to be quiet, baby needs to sleep, and, sometimes, the monsters, they became, better behaved, listened, but sometimes, they still, acted up, every now and then, and that, is where, those, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications came in……………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Childhood, Life, Negligence, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Room Where, the Memories of My Rape Were Kept, Alive…

It was, inside that old house, in the room, with the, magical bloodied key (like the one in Bluebeard???), where the memories of my rape were, kept, alive…

Since I was raped, by someone I’d, trusted dearly, I’d, started, going inside, this, forbidden room of our old house, and, started, lashing out, painting the walls, the floorboards, with my own, blood.  The room was, covered in, my crimson blood then, and then, the blood, it’d, dried up, I’d felt, a bit better, and I’d, left the room as it was.  Then, I’d, come back into it, and, started, bleeding out all over again, and, left it again, after the blood was, all, bled, out.

And inside that room, something happened, healing, I suppose, with each and every gnash I made on my self, I’d felt, somewhat, better, emotionally/psychologically, don’t know how that could be, ‘cuz, each and every time, I was, drenched, in my own, blood, and yeah, it’d looked, quite, painful!

The room where the memories of my rape were kept, alive, I refused, to throw the key to that particular room away, because, I’d, wanted to keep on, opening up the door again, and again, to those, awful memories that broke me, time, and time again.

Until one day, I’d, lost the key completely, and when I’d realized, that the key to that room of memories of my bloodied past was gone, I flew into a frenzy, started, turning my own house, upside down, trying to, recover the key that got lost, but in the end, to, no avail, until I’d finally, made myself believe, that I won’t, EVER have, the key back again.

查看來源圖片
a monster in my room…image from online

I’d, left the thought of the key to my bleeding room being gone for god knows how long (I wasn’t actually counting, I’ll have you know that!), then, one day, when I went outside into the yard, to pick some fresh flowers from the garden, to put inside that vase on the breakfast table, there it is, lying, on the patch of green, by the flower garden patches of my, backyard.

Upon discovery of the key, I felt, disbelief, I bent down, ready, to pick it up, but then, something in me made me, hesitated: do I, really, want to, reclaim the memories of rape in that room back again?  How can I, go through, all those moments of my past of getting raped all over again.  But, I’d, needed to, find that final closure to my past, so, despite what my mind advised me (against picking the key up!), I’d, picked it up.

Then, later that evening, I went back, to my old house, and, stuck that key to the rape room, back into its, hole, that final room down the hallway of the second floor, and, for some reasons, the key won’t turn!

And there was, NO way to unlock, the house wasn’t mine no more (and your point being), besides, I’d broken, a dozen laws (i.e. breaking and entering, burglary, ‘cuz I wanted to find those memories of my rape inside that room, and, set it all, ablaze!  Oh, and there’s, that ARSON charge, from me, setting that room full of memories of my rape on fire!).  So I’d, dropped that thought, and, I walked away, and for some unknown reason, something became lighter inside of me, I got, that spring in my step, for the very first time in my life, and I can finally, breathe………………

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Filed under Abuse, Betrayals, Children Murdered, Death by Negligence, Getting Exposed Too Young, Murder, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults

On an Unknown Early Morning

On an unknown early morning, she woke up, not knowing, what’s up ahead in her day, she got dressed for school, as she’d done from before…

She got out at six thirty, walked on that small road between the fields, like she’d, always done in the mornings, getting to school, then, she can’t remember, what happened afterwards.

She woke, in a room, full of, bright light, with voices, so sharp, so loud it’d, made her ears ache.  She’d, blinked her eyes, tried to get things into focus, but it’s like, something’s, obstructing her view, she’d, rubbed her eyes, to try to clear it, it didn’t work.  It took her, a very long time, to realize, that the white room she was in, wasn’t her class, where she was, supposed to be.

Then, a woman’s voice started speaking, she tried to follow where the sound came from, but, she couldn’t see!!!  The woman’s voices told her, “Ms. You’d been, attacked, we just did a rape kit on you!”  A rape what???   That wasn’t supposed to happen, I was on my way to school, then, for some unknown reasons, I ended up, here…

The woman’s voice continued, “is there someone you’d like us to call for you, an adult, maybe?  Your parents, perhaps?  Do you have their numbers???”

On an unknown early morning, nothing was supposed to happen, it was, just like any other day, she got up, got into the shower, to wake herself up, brushed her teeth, put on her clothes, dressed herself for school, and, sat at the breakfast table, as her mother worked in and out of the kitchen, her father, sitting in his chair, with his paper, reading…

Nothing was supposed to happen, on an, ordinary, unknown, early morning, but something did, something that made her wish she was, dead, but she wasn’t, she’d, survived through the physical and sexual assault, and now, she’s, broken!!!

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Filed under Abuse, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Bullying, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Improper Behaviors of an Adult, Improper Misconducts, Innocence Lost, Miscelaneous, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Unsafe Neighborhoods, Violence in the Media, Wake Up Calls, Women's Issues

Forgiving Her Predatory Father…

Because he’s my “daddy”, and I love him!  Yeah, uh, how FUCKING retarded are you, huh?  And, you DO realize, that it’s WRONG, what that M***ER F***ER had done to you, right?

Forgiving her predatory father, she had, because, she loved him, after all, without his sperm, she wouldn’t even EXIST!  And besides, he’s the PRIMARY source of income, and, her and her family relied on him for bringing in the dough, and besides, in just a few more years, she’ll be, an adult, and she won’t need to, PUT up with him, coming into her bedroom late in the nights, undressing himself, and getting too close to her no more………

Forgiving her predatory father, she didn’t want to, after all, how can you, possibly, forgive a man for RAPE, especially when he WAS (past tense???) your father!  But, for the sake of her family, at her own mother’s urging, child, if you don’t forgive him, he’ll get sent to prison, and what’ll, happen to us???  (and that constitutes as emotional BLACKMAIL!!!), and so, she had, NO other viable options, but to state it in court, “I forgive my father!”

And so, this PREDATORY father learned what???  Oh yeah, I can get away, with RAPING my own daughter any time I want to, besides, the law’s on MY side, and her mother doesn’t believe her…

What do you think is gonna happen, to this child who will eventually, become adult?  Yeah, I can’t even begin to IMAGINE it…………

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Filed under Abuse of Power, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Abusing Someone's Trust, Basic Human Rights, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Bullying, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Deaths Caused by Love, Despair, Excuses, Incest, Messed Up Values, Observations, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence