Category Archives: Re-Experiencing the Trauma

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

PATTY GIDDIS                                                                Inbox – iCloud  3:23 am   Fine let’s talk this way   To:  mgiddis@aol.com   Daddy,   Maybe this way you won’t hang up on me again or worry about my roommate knowing my sordid secret.  She’s not even here to peek over my shoulder at what I’m typing – actually would never […]

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Awareness, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Choices, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Everyone Else's Fault, Excuses, Expectations, Family Dynamics, Incest, Interactions Shared with the World, Life, Losing Sight of What's Important, Loss, Love Became Murder, Memories Shared, Messed Up Values, Negligence, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, White Picket Fence

See My Pains

See my pains!  But, how the, FUCK (so???) can you!

See my pains, you never had, and you never, will, and I’d become, more than, fine with that now.  See my pains, you never did, where the FUCK (so???) were you, when I got, SEXUALLY MOLESTED (and yes, that was, what that was, called, and add the “charges” of Munchausen by Proxy, learned THAT in Abnormal Child Psy, PSYC 4363 WAS, the “course number”!), where the FUCK were you, when I’d, RAPED all those, girl (most of them were in the “population”???) dolls that I had?

See my pains, you never did, and you still, don’t, only, only I’m, no longer, in pain (save for when I have my monthly SHITS here!!!), ‘cuz, I’d, resolved, EVERYTHING already, and, nothing can ever, get to me, again.

See my pains, you never will, and you still, don’t acknowledge my sufferings growing up, but hey, who the FUCK needs your, validations again?  I sure as hell don’t!  See my pains, oh wait, you can’t, and you never will, and I’d, stopped, trying to, make you.

And now, I shall, sit here, on the sidelines (not playing these games no more!!!), and watch, as your worlds, CRASH down and you will end up, BURYING your own, precious children, and when you look sorrowful, helplessly at me, guess what I will say to you?

Oh, yeah, I’m absent, from all of this shit, I’d, checked out!

And there’s, NOTHING you can do, to MAKE me feel a thing about anything again, as in, E-V-E-R and that, is that!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Burying One's Own Child, Cost of Living, From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Innocence Lost, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Traumas Your Minds Can’t, Remember…

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, well, guess what?  Your bodies, keep track, and, there, ain’t NO way, of dodging, that hard-hitting, tornadoes that’s, comin’, all your, ways there.

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, other parts (don’t ask which “parts”) of your, entire, “being” will, keep on, keeping track of, and, you won’t know, when the triggers of what happened will, make you, unwind, and everything will, break loose, suddenly, because that, is how it goes!

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, oh, but your minds, remembered them, every single last one, it’s just, that your minds knew, you are, not quite ready yet to deal, so, to protect you, they’d, wrapped you up, inside, those, bubbles, to insulate you from the pains.

with the layers, one, inside of another, and another, and another, and, another…photo from online

But eventually, your body remembered and, it will, remind your minds of, your traumas, and, it will, HIT you, too hard, ‘cuz you’d been wrapped, safe and sound, insulated, unsuspecting, just like IDIOTS (so???  Feel free to take them offenses, why don’t ya!), without a single clue.

Then, WHAM!  All hell breaks, L-O-O-S-E, and…

Yeah, sorry, I’m not here to help, ‘cuz, my hands are, T-I-E-D!

NOT my problem, I’d already, DEALT with every single, FUCKED up shit in my fucking life here, and besides, I got my best friend, NIMBY, as my, best, “defense”, so………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, Life, Mental Health Issues, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Female Government Employee of Hsinbei City Suspected of Being Raped, in the Process of Counseling, She’d, Melted Down, Committed Suicide, the Offices of Sanitations Got Corrected

Forced to relive through the traumas of her rape again in the counseling sessions, which led to her suicide!  There’s the faulty proceedings of counseling for certain here!  Off of the Newspapers, translated…

The female employee, Lin of the Offices of Sanitations of Hsinbei City two years ago after she was raped, committed suicide, from before she’d accused a CEO of a certain physical therapy center, Liao for long-term sexual assault, the members of the Examination Committee, Ji, and Chang investigated into the matter and believed, that the Hsinbei Offices of Sanitations was faulty in the means of handling the matter, that in the process of counseling the employees in need, the office didn’t follow the protocols, and started up the case to correct the offices.  The Hsinbei City Office of Sanitations responded, that they are, taking the advices of the committee members, and will work their hardest to strengthen the means of gender equality and sexual violence prevention.  The members of the examination committee posted the reasons for the investigations yesterday, that two years ago, the Hsinbei Offices of Sanitation received an anonymous letter, and because it wasn’t related to the office, based off of the rules of the “executive proceedings”, it’d not handled the matter, the head of sanitation office Chen still gave it to the deputy of the sanitation offices, on the means of caring for the workers, the personnel started up the “employee assistance care protocols”, in the office, they’d talked with Lin, and it’d caused her to melt down, and, the local offices of sanitations admitted that the means were faulty, that this sort of an ambushing her to tell what had happened did NOT fit to the protocol of handling such matters.

The members of the examination department stated, that as the Hsinbei City Sanitations Department learned that Liao had raped Lin, but not followed the protocols of reporting based off of “criminal indictment laws”, that it’d severely damaged the reputations of the government, that it was, improper.

The members of the examination committee pointed out, that the case showed the structural difficulties of rape and molestation victims in a power struggle, the perp is the superior of the victim, and the abuser used one’s power, and/or opportunity, causing the victims hard to reject, severely impacted the rights of the victim’s will; the related units should set up a proper connection of these sorts of power status struggles, to ensure the rights of the lesser.

The Hsinbei Offices of Sanitations told that back then, the workers received the case that it was said to be of personal and romance, that in the means of protecting the workers, they’d started the care processes, and in the procedures, the woman disclosed that she was raped by the former employer, and as the office learned, it’d immediately started up the counseling and legal assistance for the woman, but, she’d still committed suicide, that it was, tragic.

And so, this just showed, how hard it is, for the victims of these sexual assaults to open up, they feel ostracized, and probably blamed themselves for allowing the rape to happen, and, because there’s not a proper counseling network set up to help, this woman committed suicide, which gave the city room for improvement on their means of handling such matters when it happens (and it will!) again!

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Filed under Abuse of Power, Cost of Living, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, White Picket Fence

The Increase in Cases of Child & Adolescent Sexual Assault Cases, the Human Rights Foundation Started the Research of Visiting the Cases

In hopes, that somehow, this can, help reduce the number of cases!  This DDP government is still, WAY too ideal, but nowhere NEAR real, in this matter too, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

There’d been many cases of child sexual assault cases, the National Human Rights Committee announced the systematic data collection of the systems of reporting these things nationally, Chen who’s the head of the Examination Department, and a chairperson of this committee stated, that the prevalence of child and teen assault cases recurring again, that this is the first time the Human Rights Agency started up the national’s reporting systems, hoping to lower the number of these cases.  The member of the committee, Chang told, that the preventative interviews would be of five hundred individuals, and the results of this research will come out by July of next year.

Chen stated, that based off of the reported cases of 7,787 rape in 2021, there were 4,520 underage minors who were victims, about fifty-eight-percent, more than half; the reports on the children’s rights found, that in the sexual assault cases in schools back in 2020, those from elementary school to high school age got up to 233 cases.

Chen said, the Human Rights Committee needed to try and figure out why these severe cases of child, adolescent sexual assaults are happening repeatedly, hoping to borrow the Australian government’s investigative means, to do the researches into the placement facilities of minors, and the sexual assaults occurring in the schools.

She’d told, that setting up the cases individually won’t get the whole picture of the problem with the systems, that the committee would focus on listening to the experiences of the victims, to find out the structural problems of what’s causing these sexual assaults, rapes in the minors, and work together with the government units to prevent the recurrences of these tragedies.

The member of the examination committee, Tien called the victims of child sexual assaults as “survivors”, she’d stated, that it would be nothing easy, for these victims to come out, that Australia had set up the funding of seven hundred million N.T.s and seven hundred employees to help achieve this, that Taiwan does NOT have this sort of resources, everything is hard at the beginning, but this must get started.

Chang pointed out, that the interview will start on the school level, the rape victims of the placement facilities first, the victims of the sex trade, even if the individuals are over eighteen, so long as they were assaulted as minors, they are all going to get interviewed, that the program will recruit the interviewees, and is planning on interviewing a hundred survivors face-to-face.

Yeah, this is a plan, that will, totally, NOT work, because who the FUCK that’s been raped, molested, abused sexually would be willing to, tell her/his stories to the public, to get SHAMED again, to RELIVE those traumas?  Yeah, nobody, that’s who, besides, this sort of things are personal to those who’d weathered through it, and, for most of us, we just want to, put it all behind us, soon as we are through, dealing with the events of these, traumas of our, younger years, so yeah, this is still, too ideal, so, good luck, on getting enough “sample” for the “pool” there, DDP!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Basic Human Rights, Childhood, Children Murdered, Idiocy, Life, Overcoming Obstacles, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Reality Clashes with Dreams, Sexual Assaults, White Picket Fence

A Part of My Past, that I Just, Don’t Want to, Re-Visit…

“It’s just a part of my past that I just, don’t want to, re-visit again!”

And that was all she, wrote…

But, you can’t help but wonder, what had, happened to her when she was so young, that made her, shut away, all those, memories of old, and, being as young and innocent as you, you kept on, prodding, prodding, prodding her.

Until she had enough of you, badgering her nonstop, and finally, snapped!

what that looked like, for her…

illustration from online

And, you’d come to know, that there’s, that taboo on the past, that you are never supposed to, mention to her about, and, that taboo, it’d, tagged along, as you grow older…

A part of my past, that I just, don’t want to, revisit again, and yet, it kept on, visiting, revisiting me, when I close my eyes at night, I can’t even, ward them off (like evil???), every night as I lay myself down to sleep at night (prayed my soul the lord to keep, yada, yada, yada!), they always, come back, to haunt me.

A part of my past, that I just, don’t’ want to, revisit again, and, despite how I wanted to, leave those memories behind, they can’t stay suppressed forever, even as I’d, worked too hard, casting them out of my mind during the day, there’s no way, of warding them off at night, as they manifest themselves, and became those horrible things that frightened me in my dreams………

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Filed under Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

The Predatory Instructor Enticed the Adolescent Girls to Pose Nude & Raped Them, Sentenced to a Heavy Twenty-Five Years

Do you, parents, feel safe, with a predator like this, posing as a schoolteacher, in your children’s, schools???  I wouldn’t imagine so!  This is still, an abuser/enabler interaction style that’s presented here, in this case, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

An office manager of an unnamed cram school in the southern parts, Lee had enticed the middle, high school age girls to pose nude for him, then, threatened every one of them that he’ll send the photos all over, to coerce the victims to have sexual intercourse, there were at least, eleven school age girls who’d been found as victims, the police search found, close to 600 nude photos in the man’s possessions, there were victims who’d told, that they’d been controlled by Lee for five whole years, the courts grilled Lee for using the girls as tools that he could use at any time, sentenced him to a harsh twenty-five years.

Since 2015, Lee had falsified himself as a woman on FB, and randomly found multiple middle and high school age girls, sent the private messages, claimed that he was looking for underwear models, and had the victims take shots on themselves in only their underwear, or nude, that he will pay them, there were, eleven found adolescent female victims, who’d sent anywhere from fifteen to seventy-one nudes to Lee.

There were the teenage girls who’d found Lee’s demands improper, and wanted out, then Lee used a dummy account, and threatened to spread the nude photos of his victims online, to get the adolescents to send him photos every single day, and the victim had, complied, and, from her middle school into her high school years, sent a total of close to six hundred shots or videos, and wired over $110,000N.T. to Lee.

In 2017, Lee met another high school age girl out, claimed that he was looking for model to pose in underwear, but, forcibly took the adolescent girl to a motel, and threatened her, “you have to strip for me, allow me to take your nude photos, then I will pay you”, forced to take her shots nude, and, molested her; the police received multiple calls of adolescent girls, and back in 2020, Lee was finally caught in Kaohsiung.

During the trial, Lee denied the allegations, claimed that he didn’t know that his victims were underage, but had mentioned to them that he was looking for models, that the photos they’d sent him will need to get reviewed first; the victimized adolescent female claimed, that Lee had started connecting with her since her first year of middle school, and threatened to go viral with the nudes she’d sent him, that she’d been under Lee’s control for as long as five whole years to date.

Lee had even threatened the young woman, “I think, I should, go public with your name and personal information then”, the young girl, out of fear, continued to send her nude photos to him, and continued wiring the money to him, the courts found, that the adolescent girl was coerced, and feared what Lee may do, that was why she kept sending him the photos.

The judge considered that Lee is over thirty years of age, and can tell right from wrong, and had used these girls for his own personal sexual pleasures long-term, controlled them, and the victims’ ages ranged from elementary school to high school, and after he was caught, he’d evaded responsibilities, continued damaging these adolescent girls’ lives, forced them to continue producing the sexually-illicit images, molesting them, found him guilty on five charges, gave him a heavy sentence of twenty-five years.

So, are there, victims here?  Or, is this still, an abuser/enabler relationship interaction style?  I mean, these young girls (too dumb, and inexperienced of the world!!!) should’ve told an adult they trusted in their lives, or called the cops, but, because this man preyed on their fears, and all of these, victims (or enablers, whichever you see as fitting calling them!), all allowed him to take advantage of them, that’s why, this LOSER was able to, do this SHIT, for as long as he had, and now, he got twenty-five years behind bars.  But that’s still, nowhere NEAR quite enough, to repair for the damages of these innocent, naïve, school-age girls’, lives, is it?  Nowhere NEAR, close!

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Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Exposed, Crime & Punishment, Innocence Lost, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, On the Wrong Side of the Law, Punishment Doesn't Fit the Crime, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sex Sells, Sexual Misconducts, Violence Against Members of Opposite Sex, White Picket Fence

The Fragmented Memories of His Forgotten Childhood Now Slowly, Remembered…

The memories of what he’d tried desperately to recall but couldn’t, all came back to the surfaces again…

The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood now slowly, remembered, because, he was, finally, ready for them now.  The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood, a childhood, full of, darkness, of pain, of hardships had been, blocked out of his awareness, for survival’s sake, and now, as he’d, survived those years, he finally started to, remember.

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, to say the impact was less, was a total, lie, because it wasn’t, but now he’d, matured, he could, better deal with them, more effectively, unlike how he may have dealt with them, had they come back to him, earlier.

查看來源圖片
the nightmares of the past all came back to life! Sketch from online

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered.  What do you want from me?  He’d asked them, and, received, NO replies, because his past had been, dead a long, long, long time, and it takes them awhile, to finally, come back to life again!

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, it was painful, but, as he’d, reexperienced all the moments of trauma of his younger years, he’d reminded himself, that he wasn’t, that helpless young child anymore, and he was better able to cope with everything, like he was, watching a movie of his own, childhood trauma, as an, outsider…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Children in Mindset, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

Find Her Self, Passed Out, in the, Bathrooms…

She came to find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with the mascara, running off from her face.  She’d cried too hard, as he’d, broken it off with her, and she couldn’t, understand W-H-Y, it’d, ended, I mean, they were, so perfect together…

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress torn off, like she’d been, raped or something, and she tried to remember what’d happened to her before, and just, couldn’t, so she stayed, afloat in midair, until the paramedics came, and, took her, to the E.R.

how she’d found her, self…

查看來源圖片
photo found online

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, she’s, drawing that huge BLANK, of the moments, leading her, to finding her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, what had, happened, huh?  She kept asking, wondering, but her mind draws that huge, blank.

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress, torn, and her body felt the pains.  And, everything started, coming back again…………

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, that was that, everything else was, a total blur, as they’d, stuck that tube down her throat, she could hear that, loud and, noisy, beeping sound, and people scattering to and from, but, nothing else, not, anymore.

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Filed under A Cycle of Kindness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Properties of Life, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults, White Picket Fence

On that Dirt Bike, to Find Dad

The posttraumatic experience of weathering through the biggest earthquake in the history of Taiwan back on September 21, 1999, how the effects of the earthquake stayed in you, even to, this, very day…translated…

Upon reading the article “The Alarms Sounding Off in the Ruins” on September 21st by the writer, Yen, it got my imagination running wild.  That deep autumn night of twenty-two years ago, the moon was with her gentle glow, but, the people who’d become, separated by life and death became, like those wounded wolves, howling aloud in pain up at the moon, and that twisting and winding mountain and river, I simply, can’t put out of, my mind.

My pops at age seventy-five, longed to see the beautiful sceneries of Guguan, and since he was discharged from the services, he’d, returned back to his hometown, and returned back to life of that simple farmer, with the hoe, he’d gone to his field by the day, and he got a perfect view of the seven heroes of Guguan.  On the evening of September 21st, there was total power outage across the entire island, the communications got shut down too, I couldn’t get in touch with pops who lived in the mountains, worried for the entire night.  Early the following morn, my younger brother and I drove into the mountains to find him, as we drove from Fengyuan toward Dongshih, there was this huge breakage on the roads, the roads were elevated three stories high, broken.  There’s nothing for us to do but to turn back around, and instead, we took out our dirt bikes, headed up another alternative mountain pass, and, went toward Dongshih by way of Daohsingshe, back then, the Dongfeng Bridge was about to break off, but, our motorcycles ran across it, barely.

As soon as we entered into the local streets of Dongshih, I could still remember what it’d looked like right now: the houses fallen down, the tall buildings, broken in half, the dead bodies covered in white clothes, with the legs showing only, those who are waiting for rescue, with the wrapped bandages on their heads, the mothers with eyes so hollow, holding tight to their own young…………I couldn’t, take a second look, just, stepped on the gas, and, pass through fast as I could.

【看當年】九二一大地震 – YouTube

(and yes the link works!)

My brother and I dodged the fallen rocks along the ways, the fallen trees, by the time we got to the tunnel, the tunnel was already, collapsed, no more roads up ahead we can drive into.  wed parked the vehicle, and, the two of us, sister and brother, went down to the river valley, all the way upstream the Daja Creek, and, we’d, cut the passage open ourselves, and on the way, we’d bumped into the younger generations of the local natives who are headed down the mountains to get help, after we’d exchanged intel, we’d called out to them, “Luka” (meaning, keep moving forward, this was, the only Atayal word remained, inside my memories), and, wished one another, a safe passage, then, I’d, handed the keys to my vehicle to the man, hoping it’ll help him get down the mountains to get the help quickly enough, he’d asked me, how he shall, return the keys back to me, I’d told him that it wasn’t, necessary, that the dirt bikes are a necessity, for his life in these parts.

We’d walked for five whole hours, arrived at Guguan, just before sunset, our ancestral home was, half torn down, the sweet olive tree, the persimmon tree, rooted up completely, thankfully, all the elders, the children all found their way at the springs hotels, and the springs hotel served its function of a temporary shelter, with foods and water, and a place to stay.  Nobody was injured in the valleys, only two dead hens that got crushed, thanks to the blessings of, God.

Seeing how pops are without a scratch on him, after we’d had our instant noodle with an egg that was heated, then suddenly, I’d, let the worries, fall off, my shoulders then, I’d, broken down, started crying like hell, and I can, no longer, contain myself anymore, the townships of Dongshih was hell on earth!  And I’d, just, walked from the hell on earth, out!

For the many years following, I’d often waken up in my dreams, and scared to sweating like crazy, that long street, became the River Styx, and who’s, the ferryman there.

Awhile ago, at 6:41 in the evenings, I felt the land shaking underneath my feet, the cabinets started, clinking and clanking around, I flew into, a panic then.  Every year at Mid-Autumn Festivals, I’d always, felt tightened up, more so this year compared to the previous, and I’d worried about the crowds gathering up too.

And so, this earthquake that’s, occurred just a while ago, it’d, triggered the memories of your fears of the earthquake back in 1999, and that’s, expected, after all, the one that occurred back in 1999, was totally with, too many fatalities, especially when you’d seen death, all the way, to find your father, it left that, deep impression inside of you, and this recent one, it’d, triggered everything, brought everything you’d felt back in 1999 back again.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, the Finality of Life