Category Archives: Re-Experiencing the Trauma

Find Her Self, Passed Out, in the, Bathrooms…

She came to find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with the mascara, running off from her face.  She’d cried too hard, as he’d, broken it off with her, and she couldn’t, understand W-H-Y, it’d, ended, I mean, they were, so perfect together…

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress torn off, like she’d been, raped or something, and she tried to remember what’d happened to her before, and just, couldn’t, so she stayed, afloat in midair, until the paramedics came, and, took her, to the E.R.

how she’d found her, self…

查看來源圖片
photo found online

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, she’s, drawing that huge BLANK, of the moments, leading her, to finding her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, what had, happened, huh?  She kept asking, wondering, but her mind draws that huge, blank.

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, with her dress, torn, and her body felt the pains.  And, everything started, coming back again…………

Find her self, passed out, in the, bathrooms, and, that was that, everything else was, a total blur, as they’d, stuck that tube down her throat, she could hear that, loud and, noisy, beeping sound, and people scattering to and from, but, nothing else, not, anymore.

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Filed under A Cycle of Kindness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Properties of Life, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults, White Picket Fence

On that Dirt Bike, to Find Dad

The posttraumatic experience of weathering through the biggest earthquake in the history of Taiwan back on September 21, 1999, how the effects of the earthquake stayed in you, even to, this, very day…translated…

Upon reading the article “The Alarms Sounding Off in the Ruins” on September 21st by the writer, Yen, it got my imagination running wild.  That deep autumn night of twenty-two years ago, the moon was with her gentle glow, but, the people who’d become, separated by life and death became, like those wounded wolves, howling aloud in pain up at the moon, and that twisting and winding mountain and river, I simply, can’t put out of, my mind.

My pops at age seventy-five, longed to see the beautiful sceneries of Guguan, and since he was discharged from the services, he’d, returned back to his hometown, and returned back to life of that simple farmer, with the hoe, he’d gone to his field by the day, and he got a perfect view of the seven heroes of Guguan.  On the evening of September 21st, there was total power outage across the entire island, the communications got shut down too, I couldn’t get in touch with pops who lived in the mountains, worried for the entire night.  Early the following morn, my younger brother and I drove into the mountains to find him, as we drove from Fengyuan toward Dongshih, there was this huge breakage on the roads, the roads were elevated three stories high, broken.  There’s nothing for us to do but to turn back around, and instead, we took out our dirt bikes, headed up another alternative mountain pass, and, went toward Dongshih by way of Daohsingshe, back then, the Dongfeng Bridge was about to break off, but, our motorcycles ran across it, barely.

As soon as we entered into the local streets of Dongshih, I could still remember what it’d looked like right now: the houses fallen down, the tall buildings, broken in half, the dead bodies covered in white clothes, with the legs showing only, those who are waiting for rescue, with the wrapped bandages on their heads, the mothers with eyes so hollow, holding tight to their own young…………I couldn’t, take a second look, just, stepped on the gas, and, pass through fast as I could.

【看當年】九二一大地震 – YouTube

(and yes the link works!)

My brother and I dodged the fallen rocks along the ways, the fallen trees, by the time we got to the tunnel, the tunnel was already, collapsed, no more roads up ahead we can drive into.  wed parked the vehicle, and, the two of us, sister and brother, went down to the river valley, all the way upstream the Daja Creek, and, we’d, cut the passage open ourselves, and on the way, we’d bumped into the younger generations of the local natives who are headed down the mountains to get help, after we’d exchanged intel, we’d called out to them, “Luka” (meaning, keep moving forward, this was, the only Atayal word remained, inside my memories), and, wished one another, a safe passage, then, I’d, handed the keys to my vehicle to the man, hoping it’ll help him get down the mountains to get the help quickly enough, he’d asked me, how he shall, return the keys back to me, I’d told him that it wasn’t, necessary, that the dirt bikes are a necessity, for his life in these parts.

We’d walked for five whole hours, arrived at Guguan, just before sunset, our ancestral home was, half torn down, the sweet olive tree, the persimmon tree, rooted up completely, thankfully, all the elders, the children all found their way at the springs hotels, and the springs hotel served its function of a temporary shelter, with foods and water, and a place to stay.  Nobody was injured in the valleys, only two dead hens that got crushed, thanks to the blessings of, God.

Seeing how pops are without a scratch on him, after we’d had our instant noodle with an egg that was heated, then suddenly, I’d, let the worries, fall off, my shoulders then, I’d, broken down, started crying like hell, and I can, no longer, contain myself anymore, the townships of Dongshih was hell on earth!  And I’d, just, walked from the hell on earth, out!

For the many years following, I’d often waken up in my dreams, and scared to sweating like crazy, that long street, became the River Styx, and who’s, the ferryman there.

Awhile ago, at 6:41 in the evenings, I felt the land shaking underneath my feet, the cabinets started, clinking and clanking around, I flew into, a panic then.  Every year at Mid-Autumn Festivals, I’d always, felt tightened up, more so this year compared to the previous, and I’d worried about the crowds gathering up too.

And so, this earthquake that’s, occurred just a while ago, it’d, triggered the memories of your fears of the earthquake back in 1999, and that’s, expected, after all, the one that occurred back in 1999, was totally with, too many fatalities, especially when you’d seen death, all the way, to find your father, it left that, deep impression inside of you, and this recent one, it’d, triggered everything, brought everything you’d felt back in 1999 back again.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, the Finality of Life

Huang: Writing on FB, Getting Along with My Illness, “Everybody, I’m Experiencing My High Cycles of Bipolar Right Now”

Opening themselves up, to the online community, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Telling the World about Their Depressions, They’d Fought BACK the Tabooed Names of Mental Illnesses

“I really want to die”, Huang had posted the line on FB many a times, sometimes, she’d told the process of slashing her own wrists in detail, or, posted the photos of her own self-inflicted cuts on her wrists. Huang sad, since she was sexually assaulted by someone she’d met online, she’d started experiencing hallucinations and became suicidal.

Replying to the Comments, Don’t Force-Feed Me the Chicken Soup of the Soul

“I wrote on impulse, because when the emotions came, it became too hard for me to bear”, there were those who’d left the comments of, “hey, don’t get upset” or told her to seek out spiritual guidance on the comment sections of her posts; Huang replied back, “Don’t force-feed me the chicken soup for the soul”.

Huang, posing at her favorite spot in school, the staircases, with the sun shining down

黃靖茹喜歡校舍樓梯間的陽光,她常在這裡拍IG上的配圖。記者許詩愷/攝影
“I just want to be free, I just want my pains to be acknowledged, that others won’t have to be tried as hard as I’d been”

Six years ago, Huang went into counseling for her cyclothymia, and was treated with prescription medications.  This is a milder form of bipolar, when she had a relapse, she may be bedridden for two weeks, only cried, not eaten, not spoken, and mutilated herself.

Born in 1999, as a millennium baby, she’s used to writing her thoughts on FB, she’d told the real-life experience of her being sexually assaulted, being overcome with her cyclothymia.  “Everybody, I’m manic now!”, she’d still announced on FB, sounded like “menstrual cycle”, very, matter-of-fact.  But, on FB, she’d, reduced that impulsivity she’d felt, and, gotten to learn to get along better with her own mental illness.

There’s no nationality of the younger generations’ coming out with their hurt.  The Japanese tennis star, Naomi Francois, in Time Magazine stated, “I hope that people can understand, it’s okay to not be okay!”  Because she wasn’t well psychologically this year, she’d, refused to go to the press conferences of the French Open this year, and she was fined; after she’d won the first rounds of tennis matches, she’d announced that she was out of the competitions, due to her depression.

The famed gymnast, Simone Biles, who won FOUR Olympic gold medals in the Tokyo Olympics this year, she’d dropped out, stated, “I need to take care of my mental health now.”

And, this still just showed, how far, these younger generations had come, from being socialized to not tell about it, to breaking down the barriers of discriminations, the taboos of mental illnesses, opening up about their own experiences with mental illnesses, post-traumatic stress response, and, their experiences are going to, help a lot of whom are experiencing similar things, and, these are, brave younger generations of women we need to look up to.

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Filed under Abuse, Life, Mental Health Issues, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

Drawing Out Monsters

Monsters, they started, spilling out from the ink of the artist’s pen…

He’d, taken out that sketchpad, and then, his hand took on a life of, its own, and, the monsters, they came out, one by one, faster, than the, speed of life, he’d, sketched, page after page, after page, after page, and his monsters are still, nowhere NEAR, done with him, not by, a long, long, shot!

查看來源圖片
like this…found online

Drawing out monsters, she started, coloring up those pages, of her childhood life, and, the monsters, made scary noises, thrilled her, she thought Teddy was her, best mate, until, the monsters, took him away, and she was, left, without, the protections of him (the Teddy bear???).  Drawing out monsters, it seemed, that there are, always, more monsters that, longed to, come out, onto the pages, that she will, NEVER be done, like those princesses that danced, through the nights, and, it’d, made her, so tired…

Drawing out monsters, she’s, finally, finished, she’s, now an adult, and, became a mother, to her own, lost, child, and, as those monsters, started, getting restless again, in her memories of her childhood, she’d, told them, to be quiet, baby needs to sleep, and, sometimes, the monsters, they became, better behaved, listened, but sometimes, they still, acted up, every now and then, and that, is where, those, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications came in……………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Childhood, Life, Negligence, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Room Where, the Memories of My Rape Were Kept, Alive…

It was, inside that old house, in the room, with the, magical bloodied key (like the one in Bluebeard???), where the memories of my rape were, kept, alive…

Since I was raped, by someone I’d, trusted dearly, I’d, started, going inside, this, forbidden room of our old house, and, started, lashing out, painting the walls, the floorboards, with my own, blood.  The room was, covered in, my crimson blood then, and then, the blood, it’d, dried up, I’d felt, a bit better, and I’d, left the room as it was.  Then, I’d, come back into it, and, started, bleeding out all over again, and, left it again, after the blood was, all, bled, out.

And inside that room, something happened, healing, I suppose, with each and every gnash I made on my self, I’d felt, somewhat, better, emotionally/psychologically, don’t know how that could be, ‘cuz, each and every time, I was, drenched, in my own, blood, and yeah, it’d looked, quite, painful!

The room where the memories of my rape were kept, alive, I refused, to throw the key to that particular room away, because, I’d, wanted to keep on, opening up the door again, and again, to those, awful memories that broke me, time, and time again.

Until one day, I’d, lost the key completely, and when I’d realized, that the key to that room of memories of my bloodied past was gone, I flew into a frenzy, started, turning my own house, upside down, trying to, recover the key that got lost, but in the end, to, no avail, until I’d finally, made myself believe, that I won’t, EVER have, the key back again.

查看來源圖片
a monster in my room…image from online

I’d, left the thought of the key to my bleeding room being gone for god knows how long (I wasn’t actually counting, I’ll have you know that!), then, one day, when I went outside into the yard, to pick some fresh flowers from the garden, to put inside that vase on the breakfast table, there it is, lying, on the patch of green, by the flower garden patches of my, backyard.

Upon discovery of the key, I felt, disbelief, I bent down, ready, to pick it up, but then, something in me made me, hesitated: do I, really, want to, reclaim the memories of rape in that room back again?  How can I, go through, all those moments of my past of getting raped all over again.  But, I’d, needed to, find that final closure to my past, so, despite what my mind advised me (against picking the key up!), I’d, picked it up.

Then, later that evening, I went back, to my old house, and, stuck that key to the rape room, back into its, hole, that final room down the hallway of the second floor, and, for some reasons, the key won’t turn!

And there was, NO way to unlock, the house wasn’t mine no more (and your point being), besides, I’d broken, a dozen laws (i.e. breaking and entering, burglary, ‘cuz I wanted to find those memories of my rape inside that room, and, set it all, ablaze!  Oh, and there’s, that ARSON charge, from me, setting that room full of memories of my rape on fire!).  So I’d, dropped that thought, and, I walked away, and for some unknown reason, something became lighter inside of me, I got, that spring in my step, for the very first time in my life, and I can finally, breathe………………

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Filed under Abuse, Betrayals, Children Murdered, Death by Negligence, Getting Exposed Too Young, Murder, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults

On an Unknown Early Morning

On an unknown early morning, she woke up, not knowing, what’s up ahead in her day, she got dressed for school, as she’d done from before…

She got out at six thirty, walked on that small road between the fields, like she’d, always done in the mornings, getting to school, then, she can’t remember, what happened afterwards.

She woke, in a room, full of, bright light, with voices, so sharp, so loud it’d, made her ears ache.  She’d, blinked her eyes, tried to get things into focus, but it’s like, something’s, obstructing her view, she’d, rubbed her eyes, to try to clear it, it didn’t work.  It took her, a very long time, to realize, that the white room she was in, wasn’t her class, where she was, supposed to be.

Then, a woman’s voice started speaking, she tried to follow where the sound came from, but, she couldn’t see!!!  The woman’s voices told her, “Ms. You’d been, attacked, we just did a rape kit on you!”  A rape what???   That wasn’t supposed to happen, I was on my way to school, then, for some unknown reasons, I ended up, here…

The woman’s voice continued, “is there someone you’d like us to call for you, an adult, maybe?  Your parents, perhaps?  Do you have their numbers???”

On an unknown early morning, nothing was supposed to happen, it was, just like any other day, she got up, got into the shower, to wake herself up, brushed her teeth, put on her clothes, dressed herself for school, and, sat at the breakfast table, as her mother worked in and out of the kitchen, her father, sitting in his chair, with his paper, reading…

Nothing was supposed to happen, on an, ordinary, unknown, early morning, but something did, something that made her wish she was, dead, but she wasn’t, she’d, survived through the physical and sexual assault, and now, she’s, broken!!!

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Filed under Abuse, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Bullying, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Improper Behaviors of an Adult, Improper Misconducts, Innocence Lost, Miscelaneous, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Unsafe Neighborhoods, Violence in the Media, Wake Up Calls, Women's Issues

Forgiving Her Predatory Father…

Because he’s my “daddy”, and I love him!  Yeah, uh, how FUCKING retarded are you, huh?  And, you DO realize, that it’s WRONG, what that M***ER F***ER had done to you, right?

Forgiving her predatory father, she had, because, she loved him, after all, without his sperm, she wouldn’t even EXIST!  And besides, he’s the PRIMARY source of income, and, her and her family relied on him for bringing in the dough, and besides, in just a few more years, she’ll be, an adult, and she won’t need to, PUT up with him, coming into her bedroom late in the nights, undressing himself, and getting too close to her no more………

Forgiving her predatory father, she didn’t want to, after all, how can you, possibly, forgive a man for RAPE, especially when he WAS (past tense???) your father!  But, for the sake of her family, at her own mother’s urging, child, if you don’t forgive him, he’ll get sent to prison, and what’ll, happen to us???  (and that constitutes as emotional BLACKMAIL!!!), and so, she had, NO other viable options, but to state it in court, “I forgive my father!”

And so, this PREDATORY father learned what???  Oh yeah, I can get away, with RAPING my own daughter any time I want to, besides, the law’s on MY side, and her mother doesn’t believe her…

What do you think is gonna happen, to this child who will eventually, become adult?  Yeah, I can’t even begin to IMAGINE it…………

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Filed under Abuse of Power, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Abusing Someone's Trust, Basic Human Rights, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Bullying, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Deaths Caused by Love, Despair, Excuses, Incest, Messed Up Values, Observations, Rapes, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

A Letter Written by His Daughter, the Father Who’s Sexist Was Mandated to Divorce

Sexism, in practice, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

A woman, Huang, accused her husband for playing favorites with their seven-year-old son, and not loved their sixteen-year-old daughter equally, she couldn’t put up with it, asked for a divorce.  The judge based the letter written by the daughter that stated, “You’d never put your heart on me…you’d told me, that there are a lot of other relatives who looked out for me, that you didn’t need to take care of me anymore…”, and, on the stands, she’d stated that “the verbal exchanges my father had with my younger brother is MORE than the number of words he’d exchanged with me my whole life”, believed, that Huang’s accusations are valid, and, allowed for the divorce.

Huang accused, after her daughter was born, her husband didn’t show ANY care or concerns, and refused to pay for the daughter’s schooling or living expenses, that all the related costs were paid for, by her side of the family, the two had lived together, separately now; the husband said, “you owe me a son”, she’d immediately gotten impregnated by him, but, after her son was born, her husband started playing favorites with her son, it’d hurt her daughter so.  She said, that because of the pressures of her marriage, she’d put her heart and soul into religion, last year, after her daughter went to Canada to study, she’d decided to move out, and made her mind up on divorce.

Huang’s husband rebutted, he’s just not really comfortable at showing care and concern, but, in his daughter’s growing up, he’d accompanied her, and had given her a cell phone, as well as a laptop as presents, and that after the son was born, he’d become better off economically, that, was why he’d started providing for his own son’s education.

The judge called on their daughter to the stand, the daughter showed a letter she’d written to her father last August, “You’d probably not known how I’d dated a younger boy back in middle school, because I’d longed to be loved by a guy, after I’d broken up with him, I’d cried for so long, because I actually thought, that no guy can ever love me, you’d once told me, that there are, a lot of other people who loved me already, that your love would not be necessary, it’s really shocking, that parents would think, that they’d given too much love to their own children…”

The daughter took the stand, and confirmed, that since she was growing up, her father never talked to her in depth more than five times, when her classmates came over, her father would stay in his room, and wouldn’t come out to meet them, but he’d accompanied her younger brother every single day, given a ton of toys to her younger brother, “The verbal exchanges my father had with my younger brother is MORE than the verbal exchanges he’d had with me”.

The judge believed, that Huang’s accusations were valid, that it did, cause their marriage to break up, and the two had slept in separate rooms for a very long time, granted the divorce.  The daughter clearly stated that she wanted to live with her mother, and her husband had no objections, and so, the custody of the teenager went to the mother.  From the social workers’ home visit notes, Huang would often gone abroad to attend functions of religious matter, couldn’t accompany the seven-year-old son long-term, and so, the custody of their son was given to her husband.

So, this, is how FAR favoritism got!  And, the man did it, too obviously, I mean, yeah you are excited to have a son, but, you still should NOT ignore your daughter completely, you’d shown a lack of care AND concern toward her, and, what kind of a father ARE you, to play favorites like that!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization

The Assistant to the Coach of a Youth Baseball League Molested Over Ten Members of the Team

And no, I still did NOT make this SHIT up, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

There were cases of sexual molestation that occurred in an elementary school and middle school youth baseball team, the eighteen-year-old assistant coach’s rape on a total of ten victims, the detectives, the social services department, as well as the Department of Education set up a specialty squad to investigate in secrecy, after they’d inquired all the students on the team, yesterday, they’d charged Chen, the assistant coach with obstructions to sexual freedom.

“The assistant coach molested me!”, during the middle of March this year, the primary coach of the team asked the students “do you have any comments or questions?”, one of the students raised up his hands, and others followed, and stated, that they were all, sexually molested too, and that, was when the victim students learned, that they were not, the only one who was victimized, the coach believed that this was serious, he’d immediately notified the authorities, and, as the investigations continued, the D.A. and the Department of Education found, that there were, a total of ten children who fell victim.

The victim students told the D.A., that during January and February of this year, at the dormitories of the team, at the assistant coach’s home, in the hotels, Chen the assistant coach had fellated, had anal sex, and, fondled them.  After the case bust open, Chen wrote out a confession, apologizing to his students and the students’ families.

The D.A. found out, that Chen, the assistant coach, because he was an adult, had sexually molested and raped six students, and, after he came of age, he’d forced his students to have sex with him, seven times, and forcefully sexually molested them three time, sexually harassed them twice, the victims were mostly still in elementary school.  As the D.A. went to conduct a search at Chen’s residence, they’d found there was a collection of kiddie porn in his collection from online, and, on the fifth day upon being notified of Chen’s bad behaviors, the D.A. believed that he was at flight risk, and that he may destroy the evidence, asked the courts to take him into custody, which the courts allowed for.

And so, this is a man with priors, and yet, god knows HOW many young victims had there been already, and this time, someone decided to speak up (finally!), and thus, end this losers rape, sexual molestation on the younger children.

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Getting Introduced to the Adult World Too Soon…

This, is a story, of innocence, lost!

Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because I was raised, by IMBECILES!  And, because those IMBICILES couldn’t even KEEP their fucked up marriage together, I was, forced to shoulder UP the responsibilities of doing that FOR them, and, for a very long time, ALL the way, into my 26th, I’d carried this heavy burden upon my shoulders, and, it all became, way, way, WAY back don’t know when, when his FUCKED up DEAD mother (and no, god will NOT rest HER soul!) told me, “you have the responsibilities to keep your parents together”, and, I was only eight or nine, or maybe, just ten, really can’t recall, and I’d lost my innocence.

Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because you, FUCKING adults got brutally MURDERED by your own fucked up parents, and that, is why, you’d murdered us all, your young, and that, is still how this VICIOUS cycle still keeps on, rolling, rolling, rolling, like the Big O (from S. Silverstein???).

Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, I will NEVER allow that to happen to this DEAD daughter (b/c partially, she IS dead already!  And secondly, I’m a WAY better parent than my own ABUSIVE, ABUSIVE/NEGLECTFUL parents!) of mine, and, hell’s gonna FREEZE and thaw, infinite number of times, before I say my “I do” to that M***ER F***ING (“maxed out”???) piece of TRAILER PARK WHITE TRASH!

Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because NONE of you parents had figured things out yet, and, we the children, are the one to blame, for ALL of your INCOMPETENCE?  And, by the way, you STUPID adults: NONE of us kids had BEGGED and PLEADED to be BORN to you, our parents, unless, you are MY Emily, but, none of you ARE, are ya?  Hell no!

Okay, the Queen is done, BITCHING, for now, that is…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Awareness, Betrayals, Cost of Living, Innocence Lost, Loss, Negligence, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Scapegoating, Socialization