Category Archives: Re-Experiencing the Trauma

After Curfew

How this instructor’s lending the student a helpful ear, to offer her the assistance, to assist this young woman in getting the help she needed, had made, all the, difference  in her life, translated…

The curfew of my dorm was from one at midnight to six in the morn, and as soon as the time comes, we get, locked down, and of course, traffic accidents, or things that came up abruptly won’t count.  It was past the curfew that night, I was about to call it a night, then my doorbell rang, a female classmate, looking pale, and sounded winded told me, “I’m sorry professor, to have called you up this late, but I am dizzy, and having a headache, I’m completely out of it, I need to get to the E.R.”

As a dorm super, what I’d hoped that I don’t encounter are these, midnight crises.  But, this student’s manners was, very well, and I’d immediately started up the S.O.P. of dealing with these sorts of emergencies.  “Why do you have a headache, do you know?”, finding the reasons, she’d not covered up, responded, “I’m on medication from the psychiatric department, and I’d had the side effects of headache, dizziness, and this time, it’s my body that feels, completely, limp.”  “It’s already this late, do you have someone to go with you?”, and, I’d calculated, that the female officers of the dormitories are already, asleep, that I am the only one she has, to take her to the hospitals.  “I’d already asked my classmate to go to the E.R. to sign me up, and there’s a classmate who’s waiting out by the front gates to take me to the hospital.”  “Okay, you’d handled that very well”.  And, I’d calculated, that because this wasn’t a solitary occurrence, it should be no problem, and I’d not forgotten to commend her on how well she’d, handled herself.

“Would you like me to wait up for you?”  Waiting up for someone who’s coming after curfew is no easy task.  “It’ll be too late, I’m worried it might impact your sleep, so after the E.R. visit, I shall go sleep at my classmate’s home”, such a courteous, and empathetic young woman, truly rare.  “Then, watch for safety on the roads, and, tell me the results of your checks.”  As I saw her off, I’d, started filling up the paperwork, and I’d gotten a text from her, “professor, I’m already done seeing the doctor and called my families, and after I’m done with the drips, I shall be staying overnight at my classmate’s”, so that was that, she’s at the hospital, and someone was there for her, and I’d felt better, and went to bed.

At eight in the morn the following, I saw her dressed up, readied to go out, I was surprised, and concerned, “why don’t you take a day off?  Where are you going this early?”, “to work, and I’m all right now, I’m sorry for the intrusions last night.”  She became very spirited and talkative today.  “Aren’t you going to take a day off work?”, and, in the words we’d exchanged, she’d told me that her mother had left home, and now, the household relied solely on her father’s measly wages, and, it was hard enough for him to make the pay to raise up her own younger siblings who are still in school.  “I’d taken out the student loans, and made my own allowances through part-time jobs”, although, she’d looked a bit, taken, but, she’d, expressed herself with that sturdiness, that bravery about her.

My heart went to this girl, don’t know why she’s on the medications from the psychiatric department?  And she’d, slowly let her guards down, told me, “I was once, sexually harassed.”, then she’d stopped talking, because this was a sensitive, personal matter, I’d, nodded, to show her that I’d understood, “I hope you can heal up soon, so you won’t need to rely on the medications anymore, if ever you need help, or just want to talk, my door is always open.”

Watching her leave, I’d thought of the yearly counseling seminar I’d signed up for, and the lecturers would always sum up at the very end, “the instructors at school can all become, counselors, taking actions in time, visiting with the students, to listen to them tell you what’s going on in their lives, all of these might be able to prevent something tragic that may occur.”

I’m truly glad, that I can, help this, young woman out.

So, this is how lending a helping hand made you realized, the importance of lending someone that needed ear, and, had this dorm supervisor just, brushed this young woman off, she may feel helpless, and, she may become, withdrawn, because, what she’d experienced, wasn’t, easy, getting sexually harassed in her past.

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Filed under White Picket Fence, Sexual Assaults, Growing Up Too Fast, Interactions Shared with the World, Translated Work, Awareness, Life, Helping Behaviors, Values, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Healing Process, Lending a Helping Hand, Properties of Life, Women's Issues

Trauma is, a, Time Machine

From the blog, of a man, who’d been, raped, molested, by his nanny and her family, with nobody believing in him, on slowly, coming to the knowing, the acceptance of what had, happened, in his own, childhood MISERY, translated by me…

Trauma is, a, time, machine, instantly, transporting our souls into the past.

The sorrows are far away, distant, but, I’m, right, HERE.

The me that’s, traveled through time from the present, to the moments of the, past, am I, still, me?

With my soul, extracted out of my body, am I, still me?

Trampled down by the memories of trauma of my younger years, here, this moment in time, am I still, me?

Everyone asks the questions of the self: am I, okay, now?

But most of the time, the expected response, was the, question of have I been, returned, to the, present?  Can I start living now?  Can I, find a job now?  Don’t get me wrong, these are, all vital questions about being.

But, if you want my answer, I want to share:

What defines “I”, or me, and what constitutes as “okay”.

imaging living in this as a young, child…and you’re so little, and can’t, escape…

photo from online

Included in the “I”, were the moments of being overwhelmed with the fears of being abandoned by my own parents.

Along with my own hypervigilance of staying with, those who’d, raped me, with the stamina I’d gained, having, survived through, all of, these moments of time.

Nothing is as it actually is by reference.  The milk tea here in Taiwan, is not the milk tea in Hong Kong.  The prototype of mothers in the textbooks, aren’t like our own mothers.

Your pains, not identical to mine.

If you really care for another person, you need to put in a lot of time, to understand where the individual comes from, the meanings, the symbolisms of every word that’s used by the individual.

Then, you can finally get, closer to the real, “me”.

As we were writing our columns, we always come across of a ton of cases of child abuse from other countries, with too many of these cases, too cruel, too, unimaginable.  But the words we read, can’t even come close to what the children growing up in those backgrounds were, weathering, through.

The pains of the survivors, the next-of-kin of the survivors, are, in every single details of their day, accumulating in the sleep, the meals, the relationships with others, the, trust, accumulating into a large, mass.

As these young children come before you through the passages of time, how do you explain to them, what “I”, is?

If s/he is hurt by a parent, or a caretaker, a relative, a school instructor, the “me” would’ve gotten damaged even more.  But how do we explain it, to, others? 

What’s hidden behind the “okay”, are, oftentimes, the society’s expectations, the judgments of the values of the, “damaged” person.

But, if we get down to the core of “me”, then, we will come to know, that this “okay” that’s agreed upon, is, absolutely a, LIE.

But there are, a lot of people who cared about the psychological wellbeing too.

Are you now, considered, “okay”. 

Then, naturally a child (or an adult) who’d been, hurt, will take you on the ride on the, time machine.  Back to the “I’m okay” from the past, then, suddenly, drops us into, the, “I’m NOT okay”.

Along with all the selves that came, after that that are, in need of, care, that feeling of, being, isolated, with no one who understands, what we’re, going, through. 

This is a very long journey, with our bodies, right here, and our psyches, far, far, away.  And, return back to this, present moment, you will no longer be you, and I, no longer, me, anymore.

Will you be willing, to strap yourselves, under that, safety belt, and take this, journey, with, me???  The adventures of your own, individual, lifetimes.

And so, yeah, we are, in, desperate need of, that, “traveling companion” on this, journey, to healing our own selves, from our separate traumas of the childhood years, but, who can take this journey FOR us?  Uh, nobody, that’s W-H-O, this is something we must, weather through, ALONE, and it will be difficult (trust me, ‘cuz I’d already, been there, and, oh yeah, done THAT too, ‘k???  So, do NOT doubt my authority on this).  And, it’s only going to get really hard, because you (whoever YOU may be out there???), still ain’t come to your own senses, in ADMITTING to your selves, that heck, mommy and daddy they NEVER loved me, and I’m, damaged as a kid.

End of “therapy session” here, pay my secretaries!

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Filed under "Professional" Opinions, Attitude, Awareness, Children Murdered, Cost of Living, Crime & Punishment, From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Healing Process, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Assaults, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

The House of Her, Nightmared Past…

How many nightmares, can a house, “hold”???  She kept wondering, as she got out of that house she grew up in…

The house of her, nightmared past, she’d tried so hard to, escape from, to get away, but, no matter how far she’d, drifted from that nightmared house where she grew up, her mind always, dragged her ass back!

things that continued to hurt her that she can’t, get away, from…photo from online

The house of her, nightmared past, where she’d been, tortured, raped (it wasn’t “physical”, or so she’d, recalled…), and left for dead, but she’d, not died, because, she’s still, right here (don’t ask where!)…

The house of her, nightmared past, she couldn’t, outrun, it’d, become, a part of her, long, long, long ago, before she, grew up!  That house of her, nightmared past, it’ll, always be right there, in her mind, NO matter how hard she’d tried to erase that part of her childhood, it won’t, “go away”, that, easily…………….

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Filed under Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suppressed Memories, White Picket Fence

Trekking These Streets of the, Past…

Trekking these streets of the, past, it’d brought back, many, memories…

Trekking these streets of the, past, don’t know which sort of ghosts I’ll, bump into, and frankly, I’m a bit, scared here.  Trekking these streets of the, past, why am I here again, I just, walked this path, not too long ago, and yet, it seemed, that I’m, right back where I, started from, why is that?

with these walls, falling apart, piece, by, piece…photo from online

Trekking these streets of the, past, I’m getting really tired and weary, but, my feet had, put on those, god damn, DANCING shoes that kept going, going, going, all night (like in the story with the princesses who’d, snuck out???), and they just, won’t, allow me to rest for some, reasons.

Trekking these streets of the, past, I don’t want to anymore, I want to just, CAMP my ASS down on the ground, and refuse to walk any longer, like that TWO-YEAR old, but I’m, way past two already, which would make that, unacceptable, behaviors, so, no terrible-two tantrums for me then?

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Filed under Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suppressed Memories, Values

On that Weekend Before Mother’s Day, I Met, the DEVIL!

The DEVIL takes, MANY, “forms”…

On that weekend before Mother’s Day, I met, the DEVIL!  He’d, extended those, withered fingers toward me, and I was, way too young, way too naïve, way too, unsuspecting, as the DEVIL “dressed” himself up as, a frail, elderly person.

On that weekend before Mother’s Day, I met, the DEVIL, and, he’d, reached out, and, touched me, because he’d asked me for a hug, and due to my previous experience with another, kinder, elderly man, I thought, that he’s, harmless, but turned out, he was, POISON.

On that weekend before Mother Day, I got MOLESTED, by a stranger, and he’d, attempted to attack me again, only, only that there WAS no, second time ‘round, ‘cuz I’d, wised up, and what was worse what, the DEVIL destroyed my trust, and I could, no longer, interact with the outside world, as I once had, with that, kindness of heart anymore.

I would’ve NEVER have guessed that the hands of the Devil will look like this…

photo from online

THAT, was the EFFECT of, meeting, the DEVIL, and, there are, still too many evil, and good in this god damn world that I’m currently, residing in, and I know that, NOT all people ARE, like that, but I just, kept my, guards, UP a lot of times now.

Guess, that was, a much-needed, wakeup call for me, to TEACH me the lesson of, not be, mistaken by how someone appears, and to NOT show kindness to others, unless, they show kindness toward me, first………

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Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Improper Misconducts, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, Lessons, Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Sexual Misconducts, Vicious Cycle, Wake Up Calls

The Male School Instructor Had Abused a Male Student to the Point that the Student Would Pass Out Twenty-Times a Day

The abuse by this ill-fitted school instructor that’s caused this male student to suffer from dissociative symptoms, and PTSD as well, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

A male instructor, Liu asked a ten-year-old male student to look out for his young son who just started in school, believed that the student he’d asked to watch out for his son didn’t do his job, he’d beaten the genital of the student with a drum stick, and abused the ten-year-old for a whole year, causing the boy to start exerting the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and he’d fainted in school twenty times once.  The Taipei District Court found that Liu the instructor, used his authority as a school instructor, abused a helpless student, during the trial, he’d ignored how he’d caused the child to become psychologically ill, that he deserved a harsh punishment, sentenced him to four years six months for obstructing the growth of young children; this can be appealed.

The victimized male student wrote the thank you notes to the judges, “Thank you, judges, for serving justice for me”, “it’d been four years since, although I’m taller, and more mature now, but it’d still, stayed in my mind, I kept replaying the scene of me, getting beaten up by Mr. Liu.”

Based off of investigations, the instructor, Liu believed that the student didn’t care for his son well enough, had multiple times abused him in class, using the drum sticks to beat on his genital, his bones in the calves, or smacked the back of the student’s head, temple, the nose ridge, and slapped him across the face, insulted him, “Your father is stupid, your mother, a fool, that’s why a trash like you were born, you IDIOT!”, and forced the student to not tell anybody about his abuse.

The victimized student started exerting the symptoms of dizziness, stomach troubles, and started in September of the following year, he’d started having the fainting spells in class, started screaming and begging for forgiveness, and was later diagnosed with PTSD with symptoms of dissociation.

The instructor, Liu denied the allegations of abuse to the end, and claimed that he was libeled and slandered against by the young student.

But the homeroom instructor of the boy told, that the victim would pass out in class, ten to twenty times a day, that as he’d fallen down, he’d started, convulsing, kept ranting, “I won’t do it again, I’m sorry, Mr. Liu, I won’t, do it, again!”

The Collectivist Court found, that before the boy was placed in medical treatment, he’d never disclosed what Liu had done to him, later, as he’d disclosed what had happened to him when he was unconscious, and his families heard, that he had, NO reasons to, frame Liu.

And so, this is how the victims of abuse, suffered from the dissociations, reliving the traumatic moments of what had happened to him, and this instructor was awful in his means of abusing the student, and he NEVER should’ve asked a TNE year old KID to take care of his own young, first grade son, the boy is still a child himself, and how the @#$%, can he, possibly, take up the responsibilities of caring for another child who’s, only, a few years younger than he is?

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Behaviors, Being Exposed, Crime & Punishment, Early Exposures, Excuses, Expectations, Improper Behaviors of School Instructors, Nowhere Is Safe, Punishment Doesn't Fit the Crime, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Unsafe in the Schools, Violence in Schools, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

PATTY GIDDIS                                                                Inbox – iCloud  3:23 am   Fine let’s talk this way   To:   Daddy,   Maybe this way you won’t hang up on me again or worry about my roommate knowing my sordid secret.  She’s not even here to peek over my shoulder at what I’m typing – actually would never […]

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Awareness, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Choices, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Everyone Else's Fault, Excuses, Expectations, Family Dynamics, Incest, Interactions Shared with the World, Life, Losing Sight of What's Important, Loss, Love Became Murder, Memories Shared, Messed Up Values, Negligence, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, White Picket Fence

See My Pains

See my pains!  But, how the, FUCK (so???) can you!

See my pains, you never had, and you never, will, and I’d become, more than, fine with that now.  See my pains, you never did, where the FUCK (so???) were you, when I got, SEXUALLY MOLESTED (and yes, that was, what that was, called, and add the “charges” of Munchausen by Proxy, learned THAT in Abnormal Child Psy, PSYC 4363 WAS, the “course number”!), where the FUCK were you, when I’d, RAPED all those, girl (most of them were in the “population”???) dolls that I had?

See my pains, you never did, and you still, don’t, only, only I’m, no longer, in pain (save for when I have my monthly SHITS here!!!), ‘cuz, I’d, resolved, EVERYTHING already, and, nothing can ever, get to me, again.

See my pains, you never will, and you still, don’t acknowledge my sufferings growing up, but hey, who the FUCK needs your, validations again?  I sure as hell don’t!  See my pains, oh wait, you can’t, and you never will, and I’d, stopped, trying to, make you.

And now, I shall, sit here, on the sidelines (not playing these games no more!!!), and watch, as your worlds, CRASH down and you will end up, BURYING your own, precious children, and when you look sorrowful, helplessly at me, guess what I will say to you?

Oh, yeah, I’m absent, from all of this shit, I’d, checked out!

And there’s, NOTHING you can do, to MAKE me feel a thing about anything again, as in, E-V-E-R and that, is that!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Burying One's Own Child, Cost of Living, From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Innocence Lost, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Traumas Your Minds Can’t, Remember…

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, well, guess what?  Your bodies, keep track, and, there, ain’t NO way, of dodging, that hard-hitting, tornadoes that’s, comin’, all your, ways there.

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, other parts (don’t ask which “parts”) of your, entire, “being” will, keep on, keeping track of, and, you won’t know, when the triggers of what happened will, make you, unwind, and everything will, break loose, suddenly, because that, is how it goes!

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, oh, but your minds, remembered them, every single last one, it’s just, that your minds knew, you are, not quite ready yet to deal, so, to protect you, they’d, wrapped you up, inside, those, bubbles, to insulate you from the pains.

with the layers, one, inside of another, and another, and another, and, another…photo from online

But eventually, your body remembered and, it will, remind your minds of, your traumas, and, it will, HIT you, too hard, ‘cuz you’d been wrapped, safe and sound, insulated, unsuspecting, just like IDIOTS (so???  Feel free to take them offenses, why don’t ya!), without a single clue.

Then, WHAM!  All hell breaks, L-O-O-S-E, and…

Yeah, sorry, I’m not here to help, ‘cuz, my hands are, T-I-E-D!

NOT my problem, I’d already, DEALT with every single, FUCKED up shit in my fucking life here, and besides, I got my best friend, NIMBY, as my, best, “defense”, so………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, Life, Mental Health Issues, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

The Female Government Employee of Hsinbei City Suspected of Being Raped, in the Process of Counseling, She’d, Melted Down, Committed Suicide, the Offices of Sanitations Got Corrected

Forced to relive through the traumas of her rape again in the counseling sessions, which led to her suicide!  There’s the faulty proceedings of counseling for certain here!  Off of the Newspapers, translated…

The female employee, Lin of the Offices of Sanitations of Hsinbei City two years ago after she was raped, committed suicide, from before she’d accused a CEO of a certain physical therapy center, Liao for long-term sexual assault, the members of the Examination Committee, Ji, and Chang investigated into the matter and believed, that the Hsinbei Offices of Sanitations was faulty in the means of handling the matter, that in the process of counseling the employees in need, the office didn’t follow the protocols, and started up the case to correct the offices.  The Hsinbei City Office of Sanitations responded, that they are, taking the advices of the committee members, and will work their hardest to strengthen the means of gender equality and sexual violence prevention.  The members of the examination committee posted the reasons for the investigations yesterday, that two years ago, the Hsinbei Offices of Sanitation received an anonymous letter, and because it wasn’t related to the office, based off of the rules of the “executive proceedings”, it’d not handled the matter, the head of sanitation office Chen still gave it to the deputy of the sanitation offices, on the means of caring for the workers, the personnel started up the “employee assistance care protocols”, in the office, they’d talked with Lin, and it’d caused her to melt down, and, the local offices of sanitations admitted that the means were faulty, that this sort of an ambushing her to tell what had happened did NOT fit to the protocol of handling such matters.

The members of the examination department stated, that as the Hsinbei City Sanitations Department learned that Liao had raped Lin, but not followed the protocols of reporting based off of “criminal indictment laws”, that it’d severely damaged the reputations of the government, that it was, improper.

The members of the examination committee pointed out, that the case showed the structural difficulties of rape and molestation victims in a power struggle, the perp is the superior of the victim, and the abuser used one’s power, and/or opportunity, causing the victims hard to reject, severely impacted the rights of the victim’s will; the related units should set up a proper connection of these sorts of power status struggles, to ensure the rights of the lesser.

The Hsinbei Offices of Sanitations told that back then, the workers received the case that it was said to be of personal and romance, that in the means of protecting the workers, they’d started the care processes, and in the procedures, the woman disclosed that she was raped by the former employer, and as the office learned, it’d immediately started up the counseling and legal assistance for the woman, but, she’d still committed suicide, that it was, tragic.

And so, this just showed, how hard it is, for the victims of these sexual assaults to open up, they feel ostracized, and probably blamed themselves for allowing the rape to happen, and, because there’s not a proper counseling network set up to help, this woman committed suicide, which gave the city room for improvement on their means of handling such matters when it happens (and it will!) again!

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Filed under Abuse of Power, Cost of Living, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, White Picket Fence