Monsters, they started, spilling out from the ink of the artist’s pen…
He’d, taken out that sketchpad, and then, his hand took on a life of, its own, and, the monsters, they came out, one by one, faster, than the, speed of life, he’d, sketched, page after page, after page, after page, and his monsters are still, nowhere NEAR, done with him, not by, a long, long, shot!
Drawing out monsters, she started, coloring up those pages, of her childhood life, and, the monsters, made scary noises, thrilled her, she thought Teddy was her, best mate, until, the monsters, took him away, and she was, left, without, the protections of him (the Teddy bear???). Drawing out monsters, it seemed, that there are, always, more monsters that, longed to, come out, onto the pages, that she will, NEVER be done, like those princesses that danced, through the nights, and, it’d, made her, so tired…
Drawing out monsters, she’s, finally, finished, she’s, now an adult, and, became a mother, to her own, lost, child, and, as those monsters, started, getting restless again, in her memories of her childhood, she’d, told them, to be quiet, baby needs to sleep, and, sometimes, the monsters, they became, better behaved, listened, but sometimes, they still, acted up, every now and then, and that, is where, those, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications came in……………
It was, inside that old house, in the room, with the, magical bloodied key (like the one in Bluebeard???), where the memories of my rape were, kept, alive…
Since I was raped, by someone I’d, trusted dearly, I’d, started, going inside, this, forbidden room of our old house, and, started, lashing out, painting the walls, the floorboards, with my own, blood. The room was, covered in, my crimson blood then, and then, the blood, it’d, dried up, I’d felt, a bit better, and I’d, left the room as it was. Then, I’d, come back into it, and, started, bleeding out all over again, and, left it again, after the blood was, all, bled, out.
And inside that room, something happened, healing, I suppose, with each and every gnash I made on my self, I’d felt, somewhat, better, emotionally/psychologically, don’t know how that could be, ‘cuz, each and every time, I was, drenched, in my own, blood, and yeah, it’d looked, quite, painful!
The room where the memories of my rape were kept, alive, I refused, to throw the key to that particular room away, because, I’d, wanted to keep on, opening up the door again, and again, to those, awful memories that broke me, time, and time again.
Until one day, I’d, lost the key completely, and when I’d realized, that the key to that room of memories of my bloodied past was gone, I flew into a frenzy, started, turning my own house, upside down, trying to, recover the key that got lost, but in the end, to, no avail, until I’d finally, made myself believe, that I won’t, EVER have, the key back again.
I’d, left the thought of the key to my bleeding room being gone for god knows how long (I wasn’t actually counting, I’ll have you know that!), then, one day, when I went outside into the yard, to pick some fresh flowers from the garden, to put inside that vase on the breakfast table, there it is, lying, on the patch of green, by the flower garden patches of my, backyard.
Upon discovery of the key, I felt, disbelief, I bent down, ready, to pick it up, but then, something in me made me, hesitated: do I, really, want to, reclaim the memories of rape in that room back again? How can I, go through, all those moments of my past of getting raped all over again. But, I’d, needed to, find that final closure to my past, so, despite what my mind advised me (against picking the key up!), I’d, picked it up.
Then, later that evening, I went back, to my old house, and, stuck that key to the rape room, back into its, hole, that final room down the hallway of the second floor, and, for some reasons, the key won’t turn!
And there was, NO way to unlock, the house wasn’t mine no more (and your point being), besides, I’d broken, a dozen laws (i.e. breaking and entering, burglary, ‘cuz I wanted to find those memories of my rape inside that room, and, set it all, ablaze! Oh, and there’s, that ARSON charge, from me, setting that room full of memories of my rape on fire!). So I’d, dropped that thought, and, I walked away, and for some unknown reason, something became lighter inside of me, I got, that spring in my step, for the very first time in my life, and I can finally, breathe………………
On an unknown early morning, she woke up, not knowing, what’s up ahead in her day, she got dressed for school, as she’d done from before…
She got out at six thirty, walked on that small road between the fields, like she’d, always done in the mornings, getting to school, then, she can’t remember, what happened afterwards.
She woke, in a room, full of, bright light, with voices, so sharp, so loud it’d, made her ears ache. She’d, blinked her eyes, tried to get things into focus, but it’s like, something’s, obstructing her view, she’d, rubbed her eyes, to try to clear it, it didn’t work. It took her, a very long time, to realize, that the white room she was in, wasn’t her class, where she was, supposed to be.
Then, a woman’s voice started speaking, she tried to follow where the sound came from, but, she couldn’t see!!! The woman’s voices told her, “Ms. You’d been, attacked, we just did a rape kit on you!” A rape what??? That wasn’t supposed to happen, I was on my way to school, then, for some unknown reasons, I ended up, here…
The woman’s voice continued, “is there someone you’d like us to call for you, an adult, maybe? Your parents, perhaps? Do you have their numbers???”
On an unknown early morning, nothing was supposed to happen, it was, just like any other day, she got up, got into the shower, to wake herself up, brushed her teeth, put on her clothes, dressed herself for school, and, sat at the breakfast table, as her mother worked in and out of the kitchen, her father, sitting in his chair, with his paper, reading…
Nothing was supposed to happen, on an, ordinary, unknown, early morning, but something did, something that made her wish she was, dead, but she wasn’t, she’d, survived through the physical and sexual assault, and now, she’s, broken!!!
Because he’s my “daddy”, and I love him! Yeah, uh, how FUCKING retarded are you, huh? And, you DO realize, that it’s WRONG, what that M***ER F***ER had done to you, right?
Forgiving her predatory father, she had, because, she loved him, after all, without his sperm, she wouldn’t even EXIST! And besides, he’s the PRIMARY source of income, and, her and her family relied on him for bringing in the dough, and besides, in just a few more years, she’ll be, an adult, and she won’t need to, PUT up with him, coming into her bedroom late in the nights, undressing himself, and getting too close to her no more………
Forgiving her predatory father, she didn’t want to, after all, how can you, possibly, forgive a man for RAPE, especially when he WAS (past tense???) your father! But, for the sake of her family, at her own mother’s urging, child, if you don’t forgive him, he’ll get sent to prison, and what’ll, happen to us??? (and that constitutes as emotional BLACKMAIL!!!), and so, she had, NO other viable options, but to state it in court, “I forgive my father!”
And so, this PREDATORY father learned what??? Oh yeah, I can get away, with RAPING my own daughter any time I want to, besides, the law’s on MY side, and her mother doesn’t believe her…
What do you think is gonna happen, to this child who will eventually, become adult? Yeah, I can’t even begin to IMAGINE it…………
Sexism, in practice, from the Front Page Sections, translated…
A woman, Huang, accused her husband for playing favorites with their seven-year-old son, and not loved their sixteen-year-old daughter equally, she couldn’t put up with it, asked for a divorce. The judge based the letter written by the daughter that stated, “You’d never put your heart on me…you’d told me, that there are a lot of other relatives who looked out for me, that you didn’t need to take care of me anymore…”, and, on the stands, she’d stated that “the verbal exchanges my father had with my younger brother is MORE than the number of words he’d exchanged with me my whole life”, believed, that Huang’s accusations are valid, and, allowed for the divorce.
Huang accused, after her daughter was born, her husband didn’t show ANY care or concerns, and refused to pay for the daughter’s schooling or living expenses, that all the related costs were paid for, by her side of the family, the two had lived together, separately now; the husband said, “you owe me a son”, she’d immediately gotten impregnated by him, but, after her son was born, her husband started playing favorites with her son, it’d hurt her daughter so. She said, that because of the pressures of her marriage, she’d put her heart and soul into religion, last year, after her daughter went to Canada to study, she’d decided to move out, and made her mind up on divorce.
Huang’s husband rebutted, he’s just not really comfortable at showing care and concern, but, in his daughter’s growing up, he’d accompanied her, and had given her a cell phone, as well as a laptop as presents, and that after the son was born, he’d become better off economically, that, was why he’d started providing for his own son’s education.
The judge called on their daughter to the stand, the daughter showed a letter she’d written to her father last August, “You’d probably not known how I’d dated a younger boy back in middle school, because I’d longed to be loved by a guy, after I’d broken up with him, I’d cried for so long, because I actually thought, that no guy can ever love me, you’d once told me, that there are, a lot of other people who loved me already, that your love would not be necessary, it’s really shocking, that parents would think, that they’d given too much love to their own children…”
The daughter took the stand, and confirmed, that since she was growing up, her father never talked to her in depth more than five times, when her classmates came over, her father would stay in his room, and wouldn’t come out to meet them, but he’d accompanied her younger brother every single day, given a ton of toys to her younger brother, “The verbal exchanges my father had with my younger brother is MORE than the verbal exchanges he’d had with me”.
The judge believed, that Huang’s accusations were valid, that it did, cause their marriage to break up, and the two had slept in separate rooms for a very long time, granted the divorce. The daughter clearly stated that she wanted to live with her mother, and her husband had no objections, and so, the custody of the teenager went to the mother. From the social workers’ home visit notes, Huang would often gone abroad to attend functions of religious matter, couldn’t accompany the seven-year-old son long-term, and so, the custody of their son was given to her husband.
So, this, is how FAR favoritism got! And, the man did it, too obviously, I mean, yeah you are excited to have a son, but, you still should NOT ignore your daughter completely, you’d shown a lack of care AND concern toward her, and, what kind of a father ARE you, to play favorites like that!
And no, I still did NOT make this SHIT up, from the Front Page Sections, translated…
There were cases of sexual molestation that occurred in an elementary school and middle school youth baseball team, the eighteen-year-old assistant coach’s rape on a total of ten victims, the detectives, the social services department, as well as the Department of Education set up a specialty squad to investigate in secrecy, after they’d inquired all the students on the team, yesterday, they’d charged Chen, the assistant coach with obstructions to sexual freedom.
“The assistant coach molested me!”, during the middle of March this year, the primary coach of the team asked the students “do you have any comments or questions?”, one of the students raised up his hands, and others followed, and stated, that they were all, sexually molested too, and that, was when the victim students learned, that they were not, the only one who was victimized, the coach believed that this was serious, he’d immediately notified the authorities, and, as the investigations continued, the D.A. and the Department of Education found, that there were, a total of ten children who fell victim.
The victim students told the D.A., that during January and February of this year, at the dormitories of the team, at the assistant coach’s home, in the hotels, Chen the assistant coach had fellated, had anal sex, and, fondled them. After the case bust open, Chen wrote out a confession, apologizing to his students and the students’ families.
The D.A. found out, that Chen, the assistant coach, because he was an adult, had sexually molested and raped six students, and, after he came of age, he’d forced his students to have sex with him, seven times, and forcefully sexually molested them three time, sexually harassed them twice, the victims were mostly still in elementary school. As the D.A. went to conduct a search at Chen’s residence, they’d found there was a collection of kiddie porn in his collection from online, and, on the fifth day upon being notified of Chen’s bad behaviors, the D.A. believed that he was at flight risk, and that he may destroy the evidence, asked the courts to take him into custody, which the courts allowed for.
And so, this is a man with priors, and yet, god knows HOW many young victims had there been already, and this time, someone decided to speak up (finally!), and thus, end this losers rape, sexual molestation on the younger children.
Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because I was raised, by IMBECILES! And, because those IMBICILES couldn’t even KEEP their fucked up marriage together, I was, forced to shoulder UP the responsibilities of doing that FOR them, and, for a very long time, ALL the way, into my 26th, I’d carried this heavy burden upon my shoulders, and, it all became, way, way, WAY back don’t know when, when his FUCKED up DEAD mother (and no, god will NOT rest HER soul!) told me, “you have the responsibilities to keep your parents together”, and, I was only eight or nine, or maybe, just ten, really can’t recall, and I’d lost my innocence.
Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because you, FUCKING adults got brutally MURDERED by your own fucked up parents, and that, is why, you’d murdered us all, your young, and that, is still how this VICIOUS cycle still keeps on, rolling, rolling, rolling, like the Big O (from S. Silverstein???).
Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, I will NEVER allow that to happen to this DEAD daughter (b/c partially, she IS dead already! And secondly, I’m a WAY better parent than my own ABUSIVE, ABUSIVE/NEGLECTFUL parents!) of mine, and, hell’s gonna FREEZE and thaw, infinite number of times, before I say my “I do” to that M***ER F***ING (“maxed out”???) piece of TRAILER PARK WHITE TRASH!
Getting introduced to the adult world too soon, because NONE of you parents had figured things out yet, and, we the children, are the one to blame, for ALL of your INCOMPETENCE? And, by the way, you STUPID adults: NONE of us kids had BEGGED and PLEADED to be BORN to you, our parents, unless, you are MY Emily, but, none of you ARE, are ya? Hell no!
Okay, the Queen is done, BITCHING, for now, that is…
This, is what I am………oh, wait a sec, I’m still a VIRGIN, meaning that I’d never done THAT!
A mother, with a dead fetus, how’d that happen? Did someone CUT it (the sex is still unknown???) out, when she’s still pregnant, like in an abortion? Or, did she actively, KILL “it”, because she’s NOT yet ready, to take on the responsibilities of being a mom?
A mother, with a DEAD fetus, how could she have gotten that abortion, on her own child? Didn’t she see, ALL the things she would’ve gotten to do, with this supposed, but now, DEAD and NONEXISTENT “child” of hers? Was she NOT excited, like all those first time mothers, mothers-to-be, expectant, of her first born?
A mother, with a DEAD fetus, it (the fetus) was, CUT out of her, as it was, agreed, by the family of the guy who KNOCKED her up, because he was, already married, and from a well-known family, that just couldn’t weather through ONE more scandal, and so, this woman’s ILLEGITIMATE baby boy or girl (as the sex is still, undetermined???), got CUT out of her, and, the mother had only but a minute’s time, to say goodbye, to that DEAD, not-yet-formed completely FETUS of hers…………
In the depth of one wet, November night, he and I split up, to look for the cat, I had a flashlight, as I wandered the streets. The flashlight sucked, only had the dimmed lights, and, all the reflection points were the eyes of the cats. It’s all a test.
The tarp-paved roads were twinkling, because of the rain, my eyes were also, collecting the rain, the roads were blurred. Why would the cat get lost? Why didn’t he tell me right away? I’d swallowed my angers hard, twisted the lid on tight, wanted to get all the negative emotions to suffocate, without the oxygen.
From that day on, whenever my cat surfaced back into my mind, I’d started time-traveling. So many nights, I’d returned to that particular night, became a cat, flipped through the gates, and, jumped from the ridges of the roof, and followed the cat that was lost, entered through the passages that only those cats would know about; there were, several times when I’d sent myself back, to the moment I’d gotten the cat back, to prevent myself from flying abroad; naturally, I’d gone back to the moment when I’d learned about my cat being lost, and, SLAP the person who lost my cat really hard, across the face.
But, I will NEVER go back to the moment when my cat got lost—what I’d done wrong by my cat, I will, carry that, forever.
So, it’s still haunting you, after so many years, it’s just something you can’t get over, because, perhaps, you’d entrusted something you loved so dearly to someone you once trusted, and, he’d ended up, being careless, and lost it, that, was probably what made this person mad, more than the fact, that her cat got lost.
There are those, darkened corners of my childhood, that I’d not dared to, venture into, alone, on my own, because of the monsters that were said, to live there…
The darkened corners of my childhood, where every single NIGHTMARE, NIGHT TERROR, along with all those suppressed memories of the past were kept locked up. The darkened corners of my childhood, I was drawn in to them, I heard those corners, called out to me, in an enticing way, that I couldn’t keep away, just like those sailors couldn’t kept away from those dangerous rocks where the sirens sung on top of?
The darkened corners of my childhood, they will never, see the light, because they were hovered over, kept locked up, out of everybody’s knowledge and sight, but, I knew of their existence, I’d still hear them call out to me, from time to time, it’s just that I’d gotten better at, IGNORING those sharpened, painful screeches is all.
The darkened corners of my childhood, when, will they all get brought out to the broad daylight? Never? Someday? One day? I feel, those darkened corners of my childhood, yearning, wishing AND hoping, to get out, and I want to try to help shed some light, but, I don’t know where to begin………