Category Archives: the Finality of Life

The Warmth of that Halo from an Angel

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volunteer companion for the elderly here, photo from online

Grateful toward the volunteers at the hospital, for helping you with your father’s, final passage of life, and now, you hoped to, pass that same kindness onward too, translated…

He’d Asked Me to Think Hard on the Matter, So I Don’t Have Any Regrets, Those Eyes, Peaceful as the Oceans without the Waves, Reflected the Gentle Light of the Moon, and They’d Understood, All My Worries, My Considerations………..

After reading Mr. Zheng-Hsiung Hsu’s “I Volunteer at the E.R.”, my mind was pulled back to the E.R. of the hospital twelve years ago.  Back then, it was just the beginning of the springtime, the sunshine outside was warming, while my heart, my mind was, experiencing the sleet, the snow, the hail, it’d felt like my world was, crumbling down.

I Am, Making the Right Decisions, aren’t I?

My dear dad was diagnosed with liver cancer, he was eighty-five years old, weakened in his physical health, and mildly, demented too, he’d slept, longer than he was, awake, and it didn’t look good.  As we waited for the hospital room to become available, the doctor asked, “if”, and would I want to resuscitate him?  He’d told me to think on the matter thoroughly, so I won’t have any regrets in the futures, his eyes, peaceful like the oceans without the waves, reflected the gentle rays of the moon, and made me felt that he’d, understood what I was, faced with.

There was the bed that became available in the hospice, I’d taken all our belongings, and an unsettled heart, I’d, wheeled my father, to the place, closest to heaven on earth.  After I’d settled my father in, the nurse, after filling out the forms, left temporarily.  That bed was next to the window, it’d, allowed me to see the blue skies and the moon, to tell if it was night or day; I’d, pull back the curtains, and, this was, the tiny world that belonged to just my father and I.  I’d turned on the T.V., and, switched to Animal Planet, my father’s eyes opened up, and he’d started speaking, “bear!” yes, there was, an American black bear on.

In the sleep and wake of close to twenty days, my father spoke, for the very, first time, I suppose, I’d, made the, right decisions by him then?

The following day after the doctors made the rounds, there was a petit volunteer who’d, led me to familiarize myself with the surrounding environment, but I’d, looked over at my father in the bed, became, hesitant, not wanted to leave his side.  “Don’t worry, your father won’t disappear, it’s a secure place, there are some equipment that you can take him to use, there’s also, an aerial courtyard on the sixth floor, you can wheel your father in the afternoons for some sun.”  She’d patted my shoulders, given me a smile, and I saw two dimples came onto her cheeks.

I’d followed close by her side, as she’d, taken me on that walk-through.  Passing the nurse’s stations, she’d pointed to the tea keg, told, “every morning the volunteers would bring in a fresh brew of tea, you can get some here, and you can soak the teas in the sponges and brush your father’s teeth with it too, it’ll make him feel a whole lot better, having fresh breaths, he’ll surely, have an appetite for food then!”  We’d walked past a huge aquarium, cute Nemo swam in-between the sea anemones, “this tank is Gu’s territory, the young girl, Lin in the next room to your father’s, is a huge fan, and she’d come, more than three times a day to look!”  Passed through the laundry room and the fridge, there was, a prayer room, a small Buddhist shrine, “when you can’t handle it anymore, and not wanted to tell anyone, just come in here!”  The Goddess of Mercy, Jesus Christ, do tell the cancer cells in your father’s systems, that we’re not, trying to kill them, but, please, don’t torture dad, and just, coexist in peace with him.

We’d arrived to the lobby then, the black couch separated the space, on the right, there’s the T.V., the shelves for books, newspapers, and magazines, the corner by the window had the foot massage machines, and the exercise bike, the massage chair, on the left, a simple kitchen, and tale, on the kitchen counters, the food processer, and the Datong rice cooker.  “This is Wang’s area, everything you see is donated by the volunteers, you can use it at your will, just clean them up after you used them, and put the items back where you find them”.  I’d decided, to make some juices for dad then.

She’d continued, “if your dad can’t come over here, then, you can borrow the foot massage and take it back to his hospital room to use.  This couch is quite comfortable, when your families come, you can come here for a short nap, or have your meals here, you’ll feel more at home.”  Her explaining everything was warm, and it’d, energized me, and my heart felt, comforted.

illustration from UDN.com

圖/Emily Chan

She’d Given My Father the Courage to Return Home

That aerial courtyard became a small piece of heaven that my father and I shared, we’d gazed up at the blue skies, the white clouds, watching the butterflies danced, the fish in the lotus pond, and, I noted how that flower started, blooming upward, from the corner of, my father’s, lips.  I’d wondered, would I be, asking too much, if the days just go on like this, forever?

In about a month, my father became, stabilized, the feeding tubes, the catheter, and the drips were all, removed.  The nurses asked, “would you like to take your father home?”, of course I do, but, at home, there’s not the medical profession staff members as back up, and I’d, worried that there might be situations that I couldn’t, handle on my own—oh, I’m so very afraid, that my father would, start, coughing up blood again.

And I was, caught, in this battle once more.  The following day, the volunteer took me to the couch for a chit chat, “you’d taken good care of your father these past few weeks, he would wish to return home, where he’d felt, familiar in, with the families around him.  The nurses’ station will offer the 24-hour support calls, the nurses of the hospice program will visit your home by the week, don’t be afraid, you can, check your father back in if something were to, happen.  I’m sure, that your father will help you out, he does, feel for you, he will, find ways, to encourage you.”  She’d, spoken out my fears, and, gave me the courage to, take dad home.

We’d not returned into the hospital again.  On a weekend supper a month later, he’d opened up those bright eyes wide, and, looked at us deeply for one last time, then, headed up to heaven, to accompany our, grandparents.

I want to say thank you to the men and women who volunteered at the hospital, for giving us that light in the darkness we desperately, needed.  And, when the time comes, I too, shall become, a light for those who are, lost in the darkness, thank you.

And so, this is how kindness gets, passed on down, because you’d, received the emotional support you were in need of during your father’s hospitalization, and the words of the volunteer, helped you cope with your father’s conditions, and as you are, finally healed from the loss of your own father, you plan to, give back to the community, just like these hospital volunteers had done too, passing along, that sense of helping others, that kindness along.

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January 17, 2021 · 5:28 am

She Had Pulled the Plug on Father, & Readied Herself to Serve the Time in Prison Back Then

The choice, to decide how we will, leave this world, it’s, an important one, signing the DNR, lessons that life have to, offer, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

“The Right of the Patients’ Selves” was signed last January, and Taiwan marches, one step toward “dying easily”.  The honorary professor of the Changgong University Medical School, Chiao recalled her own caretaking experiences from forty-two years ago, how she had, prepared herself for being charged with “murder”, pulled the plug on her own father.  And now, she’s a terminal cancer patient herself, and set up her own DNR, and planned to “leave the world naturally”.

Her father was a retired army general, gone to war, she clearly remembered her father’s beliefs about life, not going against what’s natural, not forcing life along.

instead of this…

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photo from online

Chiao told, that at age seventy-three, her father started having memory issues, but they couldn’t find a reason, they’d not known it was dementia, her father and older brother lived in Taoyuan, one day her father disaprpeared, and seven days later, the police called, told the families that her father had, wandered to Yilan, which was, over hundreds of kilometers away, covered in his own urine and fecal matter, and he couldn’t tell them how he got there, what he had for food, or where he’d stayed.

At eighty-six, her father had a cold, which caused pneumonia, and sepsis too, he was hospitalized, Chiao told, that there were tubes connected to her father’s body, with the tracheal tubes as well, the doctor was about to place her father on life support, she’d discussed the matter with her older siblings, and, decided to honor the way their father lived, and signed the DNR.

Chiao graduated from the nursing department of N.T.U., back when she was only thirty, she’d stated the wish for all of her family members, the doctor replied back coldly, “How can you all be such unfitting children, how can you let your father die?”, seeing how the doctor wouldn’t do it, the families asked Chiao to pull the plugs.  For this, she’d read at the medical libraries of N.T.U. for an entire week on the ethics of medical treatment, and proved that her and her families had, made the right decisions.  She said, her father’s heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys had all failed, if he were still conscious, he would certainly, NOT allowed so many tubes to get him plugged in, besides, his weight reduced to twenty-seven kilograms, nothing but skins and bones left, unless there’s a way to transplant all the vital organs in his body, there’s no way to save him, there’s no reason to, prolong his, sufferings.

wouldn’t you rather have…

flatline 的圖片結果
rather than prolonging the sufferings of someone you love and cared about? Photo from online

“The medical staff members started whispering, said that I was, murdering my own father.”  Chiao took her clothes, a bible, readied herself for prison after she’d pulled her own father’s, plugs.  Before she’d taken her father off life support, the treating physician demanded that she wrote on her father’s medical records, “The daughter, Ko-Shih Chiao pulled the tracheal tubes herself”, and noted the year, the month, the day, the hour, and the second when it was done.

“After the tubes were pulled, my father took a deep inhale, I was so scared, called in all my family”, the family stayed by the father’s side, until he passed away in peace.  Chiao believed she’d made the right decisions, but still struggled with the decisions long.  As she worked as the assistant head nurse at VMH in Taipei, she’d had eight terminally ill patients who were tried by their conditions in her two years of working there, and they’d, taken their own lives, it’d pained her even more.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer at age fifty-eight, and it’d relapsed, she was on the target drugs.  As the legislation of “Patient right” came last year, she’d set up her medical will, “if I can’t be cured, and there’s a lot of pains that come, then, I shall, die naturally, no need to prolong my own, suffering.”, awhile ago she broke her leg, the doctor said if she get it surgically corrected, it will be healed in just one month, otherwise, she’s going to wait for three, four months for it to heal up on its own; she’d assessed, that the drugs she was taking for cancer was causing her white blood cell count to drop, that it wasn’t fit for her to go under the knife, and decided to let time take its course, and if it doesn’t heal properly, it’s the way it’s intended to be.

And so, because of her work, she’d seen a ton of people at the terminal stages of life, and realized how important it is, for the ailing to make ones’ own choices to whether or not to get resuscitated, and, she’d, honored her own father’s wish, despite HOW the outside world perceived her, and she’s, made the most important medical decision of her own life herself too.

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Filed under Do-Not-Resuscitate, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

A Merciful Murder…

I’d, killed out of mercy, ‘cuz she’d been, suffering too long, losing control over her body, and, it hurt me, watching her die off slowly, little, by little, knowing that, time’s still nowhere NEAR, expiring, Y-E-T!

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I don’t feel bad about what I’d done, because deep down I know, that I’d, murdered out of love, and care for that certain someone.

And maybe, I’ll, get sentenced as a heartless, coldblooded, murderer, but I don’t care, I got a cleared conscience here.  If I’d not murdered the person, then, I will, forever BE gnawed by my own conscience, for NOT doing what’s right by that person I cared too much about.

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I really couldn’t give a !#$%ING RAT’s ASS how everybody else out here in this god DAMN world sees me as: a cold-blooded murderer, an unfitting child, whatever, I KNOW I did it, out of, mercy, my conscience is, clear!!!

A merciful murder, it’s not right to kill someone, in the eyes of the law, but, think about it, if it were your own loved ones who became incapacitated, and their quality of life is dropping by each and every breath they take, wouldn’t you want them to suffer less?

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Filed under Basic Human Rights, Choices, Cost of Living, Euthanasia, Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Pro Life vs. Pro Choice, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

Her Final Passage, into, the “Unknown”…

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, she’d, always, FEARED it, since she was, way too young to recall.  She’d been, intrigued by, and at the same time, fearful of, death…

Her finally passage, into, the “unknown”, she hadn’t been, a person of faith at all, surely, she was, taken to church, christened as a baby, and, her parents took her every weekend to the sermons.  But it wasn’t until she was, faced with the threats of death, did she, start, trying to find something to believe, desperately.

She’d, feared death, what was to come afterwards, how she was to, die toward the end of her own life, these things, plagued her mind, and she’d, looked high, and low, for the answers, but, still hadn’t found one that, satisfied her completely.

Her final passage, into the “unknown”, she’d now come, face-to-face, with the threats of death, she’s, older and frail, with her mind, getting away from her, little, by little, each and every day.  And, she’d, regressed back to her infancy state, becoming, completely, reliant, on someone else to take care of her, to provide for her what she’d needed to, continue in life now.

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, it’d been, written down in permanent INK the moment she was born, and, in her old age, she’s only, starting, to realize, that there’s, nothing she needed to, worry herself over, because, fate is, going to, take care of, everything FOR her.

Everything’s been, set, all she has to do, is to continue walking down the paths of life, until the end, however faraway that is from where she currently is…

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Filed under Letting Go, On Death & Dying, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

When Death is the Only Gift I Can Give to You

Death is, the only gift I can, give to you, love!  I don’t want you to, suffer anymore…

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, I can’t!  I just, can’t bear the thought of, losing you, it’s, too painful!  When death is the only gift I can, give to you, because you’re, in so much pain, and you’d, become, reduced, to less than you were, from when you were still, healthy, happy, and free, and now, you got, trapped, inside this, sick little body of yours, growing weaker by the day!

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, will I be able to, just, let go, of my love for you, knowing that, you’d be, better off, DEAD?  And, how can I, say goodbye to you, my love, after we’d, shared, so many years of our lives together, of all that we’d, weathered through with each other, huh?

like this???查看來源圖片photo from online

You’re, asking too much of me, and I just, can’t!  I can’t, let you go, you mean too much to me, I can’t, lose you, it hurt, just, thinking about it!

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, then, I will, force myself to give you just that, because, I will, NEVER allow you, to suffer, like someone I used to love, suffered, before he was, put down!

So yeah if death turns into, the only gift I can, give to you, then, I shall, give it, and nobody says SHIT about it!!!

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Filed under Awareness, Choices, Decision-Making, Despair, Euthanasia, Life, Loss, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life

Her Final, Mile…

It’d been, real hard, this, final mile, of hers, she’d, dragged on, for what seemed, like, an eternity, she was ill, starting at the beginning of her early eighties, or was it, late seventies, nobody can, really, recall now…

She’d been, in and out, of the hospital, during this, final mile of hers, and yet, something inside of her, refused, to let go of life, and so, she’d, held on, strong, with that final breath inside of her, refusing, to let go.

what it’d, looked, like查看來源圖片with, no end in sight…photo from online

It got to the point that the attending doctors, the primary physicians can, no longer, do anything for her, and stopped, all treatment options, but, she’s, still, holding on too tight, to her, dear life, and, nobody knows for sure, why!

Her final mile, it’d been, difficult, and that would still be, an understatement, for during her final days, she’d, struggled, too hard, to hold on to that, final, dying breath of hers, when all the vital signs, had, slowly come, to a, halt.

Her final mile, she shouldn’t have been, shocked back to life that first time, they should’ve, just, let her die, but her families, couldn’t, bear, to see her go, and so, she dragged on, for the, final mile, of her, life…………

 

 

 

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Filed under Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

The Heart Behind Nailing in the Coffin, on Filial Relations

Out of respect, for the family who’d raised her, a final rite of passage here, translated…

One afternoon, the phone rang at my house, on the other end, came the voice of a woman, “Hello, youngest uncle!  Long time no see………” Wow, could it be, again?  The woman seemed to have felt my concerns, she’d immediately added, “Youngest uncle, I’m not a scammer, I’m………”, and the voice, it had, sounded, a whole lot like my niece all right.  “My mother’s in critical condition, since she fell ill, she’d been telling me, that after she passes, to ask you to help her ‘nail her coffin down.’”.

Then the past all came, rushing back to me, my eldest sister was adopted, I don’t have that many memories of her, by the time I was born, she was already, married away, or, maybe, I should say, she’d, eloped.  Back then, she wasn’t getting along with my eldest brother of twenty years senior, she’d fallen in love with a man in the factory she worked in, in those times, the neighbors, our relatives, families, and friend all chatted on and on, my father felt that he’d, lost face, and, claimed that she wasn’t, related to him anymore; and even so, as my eldest sister’s eldest daughter who was at the same age that I am, she’d taken her home to see our parents, and my parents no longer, felt angered anymore.  It’s just, that my eldest sister didn’t marry well, her husband didn’t take care of her family, and, she’d, insisted on not receiving any assistance from our parents, used her cooking skills, started a market food stand, raised her five young up.

The following day, I’d, immediately gone to the hospital to visit my eldest sister, being ill, she’d talked with happiness, on the parents who’d, raised her up, and, regretted how she didn’t, treat them with kindness, and recalled everything she experienced back at our home, in the end, she’d, asked me, to seal her coffin up with a nail symbolically, and naturally, I’d agreed to it.

A week later, my eldest sister passed on, and, in the funeral, my niece started crying, told me, “As you’d gone to see mom that day at the hospital, she was so happy, kept chiming on about how you’d agreed, to help seal up her coffin, how she finally, had a true family of origin…………”

“Sealing the coffins with nails” was originally something that was done for unwed women who’d died, having the male siblings of her own family to check to see if they’d been, abused to death, if there wasn’t sign of foul play, then, the male siblings would then, nail in the nails around the coffin, and this became a sort of a ritual out of courtesy of the deceased woman’s respect toward her own family of origin.  At this very moment, I’d, finally, come to understanding of why my eldest sister requested that I be the one, who’d, helped her complete, this most important ritual of her life that came after her death, this was, her deep love, her remembrances, of our, parents.

And so, this, is a ritual of the family, and the woman was adopted, and, she’d, married badly, and, despite how she’d, gone against her own adoptive parents’ wishes, they’d still, loved her wholeheartedly, and, accepted her back into the family, and, the niece asked the uncle to nail her own mother’s coffin, not just as a way of fulfilling her own mother’s, final wishes, but it was, a sign of respect the woman had for her own family which she was, raised in.

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Filed under Life, On Death & Dying, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

Lost in Thought, a Poem

On trying and finally accepting, the inevitable: DEATH, translated…

On the Day I Dreamt of My Mother

I’d Not Checked the Albums on My Phone to See

If the Buddha Had His Eyes Lowered

If the Background was the Mountains or the Cliffside

Don’t Lie to Me, Just, Come All Out

The Lenses, Too Worldly

Can’t Switch to that Boundary

The Mothers of Others Kept Aging

Becoming Those, Old Yams, Old Taros with the Bearded Roots

Walking Slower, No Need to Rush

Take Your Children & Grandchildren, Dragging Yourself Along that Stroller

In the Early Evenings, the Swallows Returned Back to Springtime

That Stumbling Shadow with the Back Turned Had Always Been Mistaken by Me

That It Shall Be, Returned, to that Familiar Address

The Storyline Shattered, and Crumbled Multiple Times

Slowly I Knew to Hide, so I Can Accompany This One Dream

No Need to Argue, No Need to Tell the News

God Shall Come by, the Eggshell Broken

It’s Best that You’re, Taken Hostage

And Get Hatched and Become Anything Else

What’s Meant to Come in Eventuality, the Crowds Appeared in Black-and-White, Silent in the Freeze Frames

There’s Too Much Logic Underneath the Sun

Circling Oneself, Enveloping Oneself

Using a Lock, to Escape

I am, Out

Walked in a Straight Line with My Own Mother

Don’t Clench My Hands Too Tight, Don’t Rest

And, Don’t Blink

So this is, a man’s, coping with his own mother’s, death, because, of how his mother is, almost dead, and he is finally, allowing the fact of what’s, inevitable, sink into his mind…coping with this, loss that simply can’t be, avoided.

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Filed under Awareness, Because of Love, On Death & Dying, Philosophies of Life, Poetry, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

Leaving One Last Play Behind

An example of how to set up, one’s own, final assets, regarding the divisions of inheritances, and one’s own, final care too!  Translated…

In the past, we were, coworkers, AND rivals too.  I’d, hated how she’d, talked trash about me in her conversations, but I couldn’t, help but feel in awe at how swiftly she’d, handled the matters at work, or how she was able to, realize something way before the rest of us had.  I’ll admit, I’m, a bit jealous of her.  After I’d, left my former place of work, I’d heard, that she’d, switched to working in another company too, and had even, gotten promoted to a manager.  Thanks to the internet, it’d, connected us again, and we’d, started, talking sporadically, about the things that are of, no important, matters.

Not long ago, she’d asked me out for coffee, out of curiosity, I’d, agreed.  The day we met up, she’d, lost a ton of weight, and, her eyes were, a whole lot, softer too.  She’d told me she was now, retired, I’d, prodded, “Would your boss let you go?  Wasn’t he the least bit afraid, that nobody will, fill your shoes?”, she’d smiled and told me, “he had to, because, which business owner wanted, to keep a cancer patient on the payroll?”, I felt that shock inside.  Turned out, she’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the third stage.  She’d told her oncologist, that she won’t be going through the extensive treatment measures, only keeping her pain controlled, during this time period, she’d first shown gratitude toward her older brother and sister-in-law, to tell her only daughter that she loves her, that on the road of single parenthood, her daughter, was her one and only, biggest console; and lastly, she thought, of me, wanted to apologize to me, that from when we’d worked together, she’d always, talked trash because she’d, envied how perfect my family is, and how everybody in the office got along with me so well………..

I didn’t know what to say to her, and, all the encouragements, and words of console seemed, excess and unnecessary.  So I’d asked her, if she’d, set up her final affairs?  For instance, the most practical, transferring her assets, the properties and the cash too, I was so certain, that it was to dodge the inheritance taxes, she’d, totally have, already, transferred the money to her daughter’s accounts, but that was, not what, she’d done.  Other than giving partial of her assets to her daughter, she’d, donated some to charitable causes, and, saved some for herself, including the property she now, lives in.  I was so curious, as to why she’d, saved some for herself?  She’d told me she wasn’t, a stingy person, although she’s, dying, but how much longer will she be, around?  The doctor’s verdicts may not be, absolute, she’d hoped, that she could, walk her final mile in someplace familiar, her own, home, and, during this time, she would, need to, spend the money to care for her self, she’d, needed, to hire a nurse to take care of her, that she’d, needed, to take good care of herself in illness.  If she didn’t die, she’d not wanted to, rely on her daughter to help her live, although, the money her daughter has, were once, from her too, but she’d, transferred the money to her daughter’s name, and, it’s, no longer, owned by her.  She’d also told me, “I’d given my child so much, what’s a little inheritance tax on her part?”, it’d, made my heart shocked, such a different sort of parent, this was, the way, for a win-win.

As the shop was, about to close, we’d, asked the waiter to take a photo of us together, we’d said goodbye.  She’d told me, to not ask around about her then, she wouldn’t have any final rites, that tonight, was the last time we’ll, ever meet up.  She’d told me, “I want you, to remember me as right now!”

On the MRT, I’d, looked, at that photo of us, I’d, thought about what she’d said about her “saving a part of her own assets for herself”, I’d felt, that she was, a role model, for how all parents should, set up the inheritances to give to their young, she’d been, an, amazing competitor, whom I’d, learned, a whole lot from that’s for sure!

And so, this, was how well-thought-out this woman was, of planning her own final affairs, she’d, made sure that her daughter will be, taken care of, and, used the amount after she’d set aside for her own daughter’s sake, to donate to charity, and, saved another portion for herself for her own, final care, that way, she wouldn’t become a burden to her own young, and she’d, still, managed, to leave her daughter with something, as well as, help those in need too.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Decision-Making, Expectations, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life, Values

He Said He Was, Tired, the Dramas of Life

On how a father couldn’t let go, because of how much there is, keeping him in the world, even though his body is, slowly, quitting on him, translated…

The morning sun shone brightly, the green forests of Nantou made oxygen an abundance, we took in the deep inhales, and exhales.  He walked ahead of me, the destination: a nearby elementary school, for a workout, the step counter showed 2,130 steps.  He’d made a pact, that he was, going for 10,000 steps a day.  He’d executed this plan of his alone for months already, and, I can only manage to find the time, on the weekends when I didn’t have to, work.  I’m really, looking forward to the good particles from the sun, to making his body healthier, the serotonin, the dopamine, the adrenaline…………

“If I die, you need to, look after yourself well,” he’d stated to me.  “What happens to the child?  What happens to dad?  No, this is not the discussion I want to have right now…………” this was the conversation that began, many, many, many years ago, with a period of time of him in the hospital, with the medical treatments, to bring his life back to normal, we’d, moved to the mountains in Nantou, hoping, that the clean air can, keep him healthier.  Taking his elderly a hundred-year-old father here to stay was his wish, Nantou’s countryside is a great place, with the conveniences of hospitals, with the Veteran’s Hospitals, the Christian Hospitals, etc., etc., etc.  Although he’d needed the sleep aids to go to bed at night, and yet, being able to have these verbal exchanges with him, to fight over the television for the shows we wanted to see, we had, our, share of, a simpler life together.

Although, having to head back to the hospitals regularly annoyed him, he’d still, followed the doctors’ orders, took his meds regularly, kept a regular schedule of life, but don’t know why, or when it’d, started happening again, he’d, felt ill again.  His heartrate got past 120 per minute, he’d started, losing weight quickly, and needed to return back to the enclosures of the hospital wards.  I’d asked him where he’d hurt?  With his hand of his chest, he’d told me, it wasn’t, hurt, it was, painful for him.

In the lobby of the hospital, he’d, pulled on my hand, looked me into the eyes, said to me, “Honey, I’m tired now, let me go, let go of my hands, it’s really, painful for me to stay, I can’t, take it anymore…………”, I’d, let go of his hand, wrapped my arms around his waist, put my head, on his chest.  How I wish I could, get inside his heart, to find out where he was, hurting, why was it, that his most beloved father, his siblings, and his, dearest daughter, and his wife, couldn’t, make him, stay?

Sometimes, the body’s just, been tried too hard, and it wants, to quit, but the only reason why the individual is still alive, is because s/he didn’t want to, leave her/his families who loved her/him behind, like this is the case here.

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Filed under Family Matters, Letting Go, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life