Category Archives: Innocence Lost

The Lies of the Ninth

The memories of trauma, suppressed, because the individual, was way too young, and, something DID happen, maybe, just not the version of the story that this person had told, to her/his, adult counterparts, translated…

There was something that happened when I was younger, that impacted me, something that’s, a part of, my chaotic memories…

At nine, my mother wanted me to test into the GT classes of an all-star elementary school, that’s, farther away from where I used to live, I’d gotten in, and, she’d, transferred me there.

On the first day of school, as I arrived home, I’d told her, that I was, almost, abducted by a bad guy, there was, a woman in a covered up motorcycle helmet that told me she’d brought the lunches for my mother to me.  I’d told my mother: back then, I was playing outside the gates of my school, and the woman asked me to go with her, I’d felt that something wasn’t quite right, because mom wouldn’t do that, and I’d, run scared, back to the school.  But, I wasn’t, acquainted with my new school yet, it took me, a long time, to finally, get back into my class.

As I’d told, I’d, started crying scared.  My mother was shocked, the very next day, she’d, called up the school, as well as the Department of Education to, we’d, almost gotten the case on the press; within a week’s time I was, transferred, back to my former school again.

But actually, this, was a story I’d, made up.

illustration from UDN.com圖/豆寶

There were, two primary motives of me lying: to find a justifiable reason for me heading into school ate, and find a way to go back to my former school, that’s not based off of “I don’t want to go to my new school”.

Two years ago, with my deep-rooted guilt, I’d, told my parents this truth, admitted that I was, lying to them from back when in the family therapist’s office, and I’d, made up the stories, from an illustrated book my parents bought for me, “I Have a Way”, and, the details of what the woman whom I’d told had, tried to take me away, came from the illustration of a person in a helmet, trying, to take a child away in the pages.

Because my story was, fully-thought out, without any flaws, to the point, that my parents, as well as the staff members of the school all thought it was, true, for almost, twenty years.

Do children who read, really behave themselves?  The knowledge I’d gained from reading, taught me how to commit a crime.

And yet, up to recently, I’d felt, chaotic of this memory.

There was a part of me that felt, that might there have been, something that’s, happened to me, even though it may not have been, the version of the stories I’d told?  How else, would I come up with, the specific details, including what the woman sounded like, what she was dressed in, what her scooter looked like…………

The me at nine years old, I’d, watched the scenes, played on in my mind, as I’d, “retold” my mother what had, happened (and if I remembered correctly, the highest scoring section of my G.T. exams was in the “thinking skills in space and images”).  And, I’d, started crying like there was, no tomorrow, to the point I was, trembling hard, if I were lying, then, how come I had, such physiological response?  Could it be, that I’d, fooled myself into believing?  Or, had there actually, been something that’s, too awful, too shocked, for the me at age nine to accept?  So I’d, forgotten, and, altered this memory of mine, to make it, fictitious?

Several years ago, I’d gone to a hypnosis therapy session, to deal with the problem of ‘feeling a ton of pain, but I can’t cry”.  This was, completely opposite to the me at nine, who’d, “made up a story, that’s, false, and cried like it actually, happened.”

And yet, at the physical classes, I’d shown, the “reflexive response outbursts” in crying, as the coach helped me to relax my diaphragm, I’d, started, wailing hard, it was, a sort of cry, from the depth of my body.

The coach told me, that the diaphragm is a place where, “unresolved emotions are, stored”, so, there may be, some sort of, very deep trauma from long ago, that’s still, not yet, entered, into my consciousness, stayed still inside of my body.

I’d instinctively felt, that in the lies I’d told when I was nine, there might have been something, that’s made me stuck, as a twenty-nine year-old, grown up right now.

So, something definitely happened to you, because of the physiological response of your body, and this sort of a response only comes, when the body had, experienced, something that’, extremely, traumatic, so, maybe something HAD, happened to you at age nine, just not as you’d, remembered it, being almost abducted by a stranger, maybe, it was, something else, that’s, more serious, because the body, it, NEVER lies, and it’s, up to this individual, to dig even deeper, if s/he can, to find out exactly, what had, happened to her/him in his childhood years, and resolve what happened to her/him, piece, by piece.  And, until this person resolved everything, s/he will, always, have that thing that’s, blocking her/his path, from reaching her/his, full potential.

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Getting Exposed Too Young, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Mental Health Issues, Perspectives, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories

The Railroad that Extended, Through Our, Childhood Years…

The railroad that extended, through our, childhood years, it’d, sped off, west (or was it, east) bound, and, it’d, not slowed down one bit, just kept going, going, going, ‘til it was, completely, G-O-N-E…

The railroad that extended, through our, childhood years, they’d, taken us very far, helped our imaginations soar, didn’t it?  And yet, reality, eventually, dragged us all back down to the ground, and we get, trampled on!

what that, looked, like…查看來源圖片with no end in sight…photo from online

The railroad that extended, through our, childhood years, do you, remember it?  How it runs, on, and on, and on, and on, and on?  How we thought we couldn’t, get to the terminal stations?  Well, we’re, here, the end of the line, where childhood is, completely, gone, and we can’t, EVER, get it back again.

The railroad that extended, through our, childhood years, oh how I wish, it could, keep on going, until eternity comes, but it can’t, it’d, ended already, as I got my, innocence, STOLEN from, under me, back as a young child from before.

And no, it still, was, NEVER my fault!!!

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Burying One's Own Child, Childhood, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Letting Go, The Price of Virginities

The Paradise Called Childhood, Lost…

The paradise called childhood, lost, and no matter how hard you’d tried, you will, NEVER get it back again.  The paradise called childhood, lost, for good, and, it’s, never found again, and, even as you’d, backtracked to what went wrong back then, there’s, still NO way of making up, for the loss of time you were supposed to have been, allotted, through childhood.

The paradise called childhood, lost, forever, and, it’s, never found, because, just like how Alice never dug herself back out, of that Rabbit Hole, after her head was, chopped off by the Queen of Hearts???  (I mean, how can you possibly still DIG your way out of a hole, IF you got your heads chopped off, right???  Think about it for a sec…).

like this abandoned Teddy by the side of the road???  Photo from online…

The paradise called childhood, lost, don’t know when I lost you, childhood, but, you’d been gone for so long now, and, even though, it’s, not at all normal, for a child like me, to live without a proper childhood, I had, forced myself to adapt, to growing up without you in my younger years…

The paradise called childhood, lost, and nobody knows how, it was here, just a short while ago, but, it’s not here now, perhaps, it fell through to the depth of that rabbit hole, and, never dug itself out, like Alice???

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Filed under Broken Promises, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

The Debris of Childhood

We’re all, impacted by this, because they (whoever they may be???) still don’t call it “growing pains” for nothing, do they?  Nope!

The debris of childhood, we’re all, feeling the impacts of the destructions, at various stages in our lives, and for some, because they refused to acknowledge, that their childhoods are so FUCKED up (and your point being???), that they needed a lie to live in, and so, they’d made up this HUGE wonderful lie, that they actually had amazing parents who loved them.

The debris of childhood, had you been impacted yet, I had, my life was sent, on that CRASH course, and, I was tossed, from that rollercoaster called my own life, but, I’d held on, refused to let go, and that, was how I was able to survive!  The debris of childhood, are you ready, to face it, up front?  Can you, handle the truth, that your parents may be like mine: abusive AND neglectful?  Because NOBODY can choose her/his family of origin, that, is why all families of origin is a SOURCE of pain for all!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Being Exposed, Childhood, Children Murdered, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Life, Properties of Life, Things Left Behind, Vicious Cycle

Hiring Adolescent Girls to Strip Online, Only Pays Them $8000N.T. a Month

Because???  Oh yeah, SEX still SELLS!  From the Front Page Sections, translated…

A man, Chien was suspected of working with an agency and illegally recruited twenty-six young men and women to work as strip reporters, and hold webcam conferences with the clients completely nude, and, the workers got scammed by the layers, and, only managed to get paid just three-percent of what the audiences paid to the company; some of the employees changed their minds about working there, and were threatened to get exposed if they don’t keep on working by the agency, some wanted a name-brand bag, and, had webcam conferences with clients with her top off, and only managed to receive a little over $8,000N.T.s for working a little over a month.

The Detective Department two nights ago, separated into teams, went to Kaohsiung, Yilan, Changhwa, Chiayi, Tainan, and Pingdong, etc., etc., etc., the studios, as well as the members’ residences, arrested Chien and the twelve agents, they’d confiscated the computers, the tactic manual, along with other times, the police booked the individuals based off of laws against sex trade of children, human trafficking,, and other laws; the police said that of the twelve agents, one of them was a transgendered person, and, of the twenty-six underage platform sex news reporters, at least two of them were just teens.

The website runs on memberships, and, there were over four hundred strip reporters, and the one-on-one sessions with the news casts via webcam or by phone sex would cost $2N.T.s a minute, and one sex reporter to multiple audience is $5N.T per minute, and for the top off, completely nude, topless, sexually illicit behaviors, the website would change anywhere from $500N.T. to $1,500N.T.s, the station would earn anywhere from four, to five million dollars N.T. per month, but the agency, and the website took about ninety-seven percent of the total earned, and only three percent would be given to the strip reporters.

And so, IF you have a brain, then, you’d see, that it’s NOT a good deal, after all they’re asking you to go all O-U-T in front of a CROWD, and, what do you get?  Almost NOTHING, compared to how much the agents are getting, and this is still happening because???  Oh yeah, SIMPLE economics: supply AND demand?  Hello, hello, hello?  Sex still SELLS, but the cash goes into the pockets of, NOT those who are topless, and, that, is just what you get, if you’re DUMB enough, to think that it’s EASY money!

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Filed under Abuse of Power, Bad Behaviors, Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Innocence Lost, Loss, News Stories, Scams, Sex Sells

The Assistant to the Coach of a Youth Baseball League Molested Over Ten Members of the Team

And no, I still did NOT make this SHIT up, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

There were cases of sexual molestation that occurred in an elementary school and middle school youth baseball team, the eighteen-year-old assistant coach’s rape on a total of ten victims, the detectives, the social services department, as well as the Department of Education set up a specialty squad to investigate in secrecy, after they’d inquired all the students on the team, yesterday, they’d charged Chen, the assistant coach with obstructions to sexual freedom.

“The assistant coach molested me!”, during the middle of March this year, the primary coach of the team asked the students “do you have any comments or questions?”, one of the students raised up his hands, and others followed, and stated, that they were all, sexually molested too, and that, was when the victim students learned, that they were not, the only one who was victimized, the coach believed that this was serious, he’d immediately notified the authorities, and, as the investigations continued, the D.A. and the Department of Education found, that there were, a total of ten children who fell victim.

The victim students told the D.A., that during January and February of this year, at the dormitories of the team, at the assistant coach’s home, in the hotels, Chen the assistant coach had fellated, had anal sex, and, fondled them.  After the case bust open, Chen wrote out a confession, apologizing to his students and the students’ families.

The D.A. found out, that Chen, the assistant coach, because he was an adult, had sexually molested and raped six students, and, after he came of age, he’d forced his students to have sex with him, seven times, and forcefully sexually molested them three time, sexually harassed them twice, the victims were mostly still in elementary school.  As the D.A. went to conduct a search at Chen’s residence, they’d found there was a collection of kiddie porn in his collection from online, and, on the fifth day upon being notified of Chen’s bad behaviors, the D.A. believed that he was at flight risk, and that he may destroy the evidence, asked the courts to take him into custody, which the courts allowed for.

And so, this is a man with priors, and yet, god knows HOW many young victims had there been already, and this time, someone decided to speak up (finally!), and thus, end this losers rape, sexual molestation on the younger children.

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Filed under Abuse, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Despair, Immoral Behaviors, Improper Behaviors of an Adult, Improper Behaviors of School Instructors, Innocence Lost, Issues of the Society, Issues on Gender, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, Loss, Messed Up Values, News Stories, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, sexual misconducts, Slaps on the Wrist, Social Awareness, Social Issues, The Price of Virginities, Unsafe in the Schools, Vicious Cycle, Violence in the Media, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

If You Don’t Break that Wall on the Inside, the Setting Up of the High Fences is Pointless

Written by a school teacher, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

After the schools tore those fences down, the curious eyes from outside on the roads made the students into the main character in The Truman Show; the salespeople no longer needed to pass through the front gates of the schools, to get logged in, they’d gone in and out as they pleased, in the teachers’ office; some of the students had even utilized the break between the classes to sneak out of the schools to get some snacks; a ton of good-for-nothing dropouts or gang members would walk straight in to the schools, to pick a fight with someone; a ton of people who used the excuses of “social movements” would show up at any time of day around the school.  Those eyes from strangers, looking into the schools, made the teachers AND the students feel insecure, and now, they live inside the fences, with that strong lack of security.

Some say, that if a bad person had the intentions of making his way into the schools, no matter how high the fences, it wouldn’t keep the bad person out.  But, this statement was only a half-truth, and yet, it’d exposed the students to dangerous situations.

The idea of the fences is that it’d barred the world outside, providing the students with a simpler environment to learn in, to reduce the risk of criminals entering into the schools.  And this sort of simplified management is especially important for the elementary and middle school levels, and, those PSYCHOS that picked out those kids with no way of fighting back, isn’t it because how they lacked the ability to fight back?  And, because there’s this unevenness, we must offer the middle and elementary schools, more protection.

Tearing down the fences, the strangers can come and go out of the schools as they pleased, and, heaven knows, when the next time the students’ lives would be in danger again.

And so, this person is FOR raising up the fences higher, but, raising up the fences higher still won’t solve the problem in the world, because if there are SO many PSYCHOS out there, and, even IF you’d erected those fences to the height of those SKY-SCRAPERS, there’s still NO guarantees, that those PSYCHOS won’t find their ways in, to hurt the kids.

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Filed under Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Innocence Lost, Lives Lost, Loss, Nowhere Is Safe, White Picket Fence