The second part from the last one, translated…
More than once, I’d been asked, if it’s possible, are you willing to return to the past? My instincts were: would it be the me who was with the memories of my own pasts that’s gone back? Or the me, with ALL the memories erased? And, my asking the person who’d asked me this question would always displeased them, s/he would feel that I’m really boring, that it’s only a careless question, why take things so seriously?
Hmmm, this, is one of my biggest problems, why must I be so serious.
I really don’t know how to use my imaginative world, and give myself an escape and a chance to relax, my fantasy are often the extensions of my reality, it’d allowed me to see my possibilities of keep living. To me, fantasy is similar to the combinations of getting lost, making things up, professions, along with getting tied down, the summation of all of these. Why do I get lost so easily? Because I’m too careless with the directions in my reality; is it a confession or a made up statement, it doesn’t bother me at all, because even IF something is made up, in the end, it’d still become a part of my real-life experiences; getting tied up is causing people pain because the spider web of reality is hard to get out of totally, for instance, how you can’t turn back the hands of time.
The daydreaming type of fantasy thoughts, I really lack, my fantasy would eventually become the equations of my life, I’d often taken imaginations into reality, for instance, when I sing karaoke, for every song, I’d treated it like I’m performing on stage, haha!
And not all the fantasies would make people relaxed and happy, when and how the fantasies appeared is beyond my control. My mother being tortured by cancer until the end of her life, I’d still see that moment that broke my heart even now. One year, I saw my own reflection in a mirror, when I was in a daze, and I saw the image of my own mother who’d fallen ill, and this weird instance became the inspiration for one of my novels. Returning to the past? Maybe, this question had caught me off guard, so that, was why I’d answered it so seriously? Or maybe, because I have yet to come across this “obstacle” in my own life path, so I couldn’t give an answer.
Koreeda Hirokazu is one of my favorite director in recent years, when I’d discovered, that before he became famous, I’d already viewed his movies in the American Art Theaters, other than being surprisingly shocked, there’s that sense of destiny also, it’s just that the titles were all translated into English, so I didn’t know that it was his. Afterlife, the Chinese title was, “Next Stop, Heaven”. It’s how Hirokazu imagined a world after death, upon entering heaven, the deceased have seven days to find the moment of her/his life that’s the most unforgettable, to allow that single moment to come back again, so the deceased can remember it afterwards, and take that specific memory upon entry to heaven. When the souls that passed through had finally fulfilled this request, the male lead still stayed behind at the filming studio, he’d given up on his chance of entering heaven, because he refused to make this decision.
When I’d watched this at age thirty-something, I’d kept mumbling to myself, if it was me, I still couldn’t manage to think of, or to choose………back then, I thought that this was an amazing idea, that it’d pointed out the subjectivity of memories, other than seeing it as a fact, it’s rather more like a dreamlike imagined movie. But, when I’d realized that the same director made the films of “Nobody Knows”, “Still Walking”, along with other realistic films, I was shocked even more. The core of fantasy is that day after day, ordinary living after all!
We’d all lived through our whole lives, using a sort of fantasy. The reality is all too scary, it’s more of a nightmare. People all spoke of fighting for the weak, to resolve their differences, to find out the truths, and, aren’t all of these, merely, subjective assumptions, and, these, are the MOST weird of all, aren’t they?
And so, we still live in this reality, made up of our own separate fantasies, and that is due to the differences of the environment (the NURTURE???), and, how we deal with the things in the environment (nature) is what makes into WHO we are.