Category Archives: Overinvolvements of Parents

Is the Child’s Oversensitivity a Behavior Problem?

So this, is what the parents have to cope with, with a way-too-sensitive child at home, huh???  Translated…

“Your daughter is so very quiet—have you ever considered, taking her to the doctors?”

“Jody is so easily hurt.  If she sees that other children were picked on, she’d cried too.  When she’d heard sad stories, she’d cry.  We don’t know what to do with her.”

“Everybody in the kindergarten is eager to participate in group activities, but, your son just refused.  Is he also this stubborn at home too?”

Do these lines sound familiar?  Of course, these words can get to you, as if, your kid’s the one with the problems, but, your child has a keen sense of observation, shows a lot of care and concerns toward others, and is very sensitive.  You knew real well, that if you heed these words, forced him to get socialized, the child would be in a whole lot of pain.  And, if you go with the flow of your child’s personality characteristics, s/he might be well-off.  And still, as the same words keep coming up, you’d started doubting, whether or not you’re fitting as a parent, and that you might be responsible, for your child, behaving the way s/he does.

How to Education Children Who are Too Sensitive?

You feared, that you may be doing things wrong, worried that no one can help you.  You might have already realized, that most of the parenting books all talked about “behavioral problems”, such as getting agitated easily, distracted, rough, attacking.  From this angle, there’s NOTHING wrong with your child.  There were NO mentions of the problems you’d encountered, eating problems, being too shy, nightmares, worries, and, strong emotional outburst, for no apparent reasons at all.  And, you couldn’t discipline your child using normal methods, even IF you’d just criticized her/him lightly, your child would have a complete meltdown.

The Words of Advice from the Experts:

When people tell you, that something IS wrong with your child, don’t believe them, and don’t LET your child believe them either.  Your child is UNIQUE, that, is not your fault.  Naturally, there would be room for improvement in parent-child interaction techniques, but, don’t ever believe that something IS wrong with you, or your offspring.

Based off of studies, fifteen to twenty percent of the children in the population are born naturally sensitive.  And, with this great number, it’s hardly “abnormal”.  Besides, in ALL the species that’s been studied, there are JUST as high records of individuals in the population that are this sensitive.  And, IF that, is the result of evolution, then, there MUST be a reason for it, we just can’t see it is all.

There are many evidence that suggests, that people who are highly sensitive are NOT necessarily shy, nor are they all neurotic OR anxious all the time, or even, depressed.  For some of the more sensitive members of the population, these emotional responses are caused by environmental stimuli, NOT inborn traits.

What, is a Heightened Level of Sensitivity?

People who have a heightened level of sensitivity are more aware of the details in their surrounding environment, and, before they acted, they’d think, thoroughly first before they took the actions.  Whether it be adults or children, those who are sensitive usually have a higher level of empathy, more intelligent, has strong instincts, with creativity, more careful, with a lot of conscience.

They understood better, the result of their own actions, and so, they’re less willing, to do the wrong things.  They couldn’t cope well with higher volumes of sounds, or an influx of information coming to them at any given time.  They would avoid these stimuli, which makes them appear shy or distant from others.  If they couldn’t avoid the circumstances of being under too many stimuli, then, they’d become “difficult to deal with”, or “way too sensitive”.

Although those who are deemed more sensitive pay attention to the details more, but, they may not have a better sense of sight, hearing, taste, or smell.  But, there are those with a better ability in one of their sensory organs.  The key point here, is that when their brains processed the information, they do it more thoroughly.  Not just their brains, those who are deemed more sensitive also have a stronger spinal reflex too.  Their immune systems are more active, they are prone to develop allergic reactions to things.  Which means, that their bodies are designed, to understand and observe this world even MORE thoroughly.

So, just because your kid cries a lot, or wouldn’t play in groups, PARENTS and TEACHERS, that still doesn’t mean that there IS something wrong with the kid, something IS wrong, with Y-O-U, stupid adult, who work so totally FUCKING (oopsy!!!) hard, to FIT all those little ones, inside just ONE square, but hey, some of us are rectangles, triangles, rhombi, circles, along with an ASSORTMENT of shapes AND sizes, and, we still DON’T just FIT properly to the “norm” (whatever THAT is!!!), so STOP trying to FIT your young INTO certain boxes, and just love them for the way that they are, after all, they still did NOT ask to be BROUGHT to the “outside world”, you two ADULTS are the ones to have FUCKED, and, out still popped???  Oh yeah, those “pretty little MISTAKES” of yours, remember?  Uh, YEAH, and, D-U-H!!!

 

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The Guy’s Parents are Strictly Against the Woman Being Older

In need of relationship advice here, a Q&A, translated…

Q: Mr. C, who’s 25-years-old, still a student, felt troubled with a relationship with an older woman wrote…

A few months ago, C started dating a woman who’s four years older than he, who’d started working already, they’d had sex together, C met her parents already.  At first, they were, doubtful, but soon, they’d taken him as a part of his family, but, as the mother of the man learned, that the woman is four years his senior, she’d spoken up against their love, totally disregarded her former beliefs of “just considering the characters”, it’d stunned C.

His mother and older sisters worked together, took turns, to try to make C break up with his girlfriend, that if he broke up with the woman, then, they will NOT tell his father about their relationship.  But in the end, the father still learned about it, and, he’d called C home, for a family meeting.

The primary reason for his families against him dating this woman was solely based off of age: the woman is almost thirty, he’s still in school, and, there’s the issues of bearing children, being laughed by his friends and relatives, “Can’t you get a younger woman?”, later on, his mother had even started crying to C’s older sister in the middle of the nights, “I felt I’m about to lose my son!”, anyway, before the girlfriend had even gotten on the playing field, she’d already STRUCK out!  C felt angered, and was under enormous pressures, he wanted to know, what he can do.

A My Advice

The troubles of the woman being older than the man had become even MORE hard to handle in C’s case, he has at least FOUR older sisters, at least, he’d probably the only son, and, his parents cared very much about him, being able to reproduce a son, to bear the family’s last name; and there was the hard-to-overcome issues of “face” at play: their son had amazing qualities, why must he find a woman who’s four years older?  However, his parents’ feared more about getting laughed at by their friends and relatives, more than their own against their son’s relationship.

I wanted to remind C that: his parents are not as open as he thought they were, instead, they are very traditional, so, it may be really hard, to change their beliefs, and C is still, very far from being able to support himself and marrying, and, during this time, the pressures would come at him like the raging waves, could he handle it all?  And, the key to success of this relationship where the woman is older than the man, rests, solely, on the man!  After a long time, the one who’d thrown in the towels are usually the males who were very active at the very beginning.  The family members are not the keys in this, the point is, if he could stay the same throughout this process?  Otherwise, after a few years, the woman had grown a couple more years, and, they’d started the talks of breaking up, and, the woman would surely be screwed!

Could he persist?  Only C himself knows; could he be as set in his mind as he was from the very start?  There’s no way of knowing that right now, I’m merely, mentioning the problems that are still in the distance.

And so, in this case, the woman is NOT the one who has a say, in what happens, and that’s simply BULLSHIT!!!  And the man, using his family as the “shield” for marrying her, is still just a SORRY excuse, and, if this woman is smart, then, she’ll break up with him, and nowadays, many women don’t get married until they’re in their mid-to-late thirties, after all, we all have our careers to start off, before we’re able to, settle ourselves down, to start a family, and poppin’ ‘em babies out, and, with us, there’s that huge factor of BIOLOGICAL clock to consider too!!!

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Why are You Stagnant in Learning?

Translated…

Last week, a friend of mine called to inquire, said that her friend’s daughter was having difficulties in her piano lessons, could she come and talk to me.  After I told her okay, a certain lady did call me up, we talked about what’s happening in her daughter’s life, “My daughter had performed outstandingly in the competitions in the past, and recently, she’d met a fork in the road, couldn’t perform as well as she’d wanted to, but didn’t know how to get beyond it.”  The mother said, the instructor suggested she be sent to another teacher, to get another way of educational methods, and ask me to recommend someone.

“Before I give you a recommendation, let me ask you a question”, I said, “Is your daughter interested in piano, or music?”

“She’s interested in piano, she doesn’t have the habit of listening to music.”

“Doesn’t she attend the piano performances or recitals?” “She needs to prepare for her tests, don’t have time to go.”

“Then, the answer is all too clear.  If your daughter took up Chinese calligraphy, she’d used the techniques, the strokes to write, but didn’t understand the meanings of the words she’s writing, she doesn’t feel a connection to the words, do you think, she’ll be able to write wonderfully?  In other words, even IF she’d been excellent in the technical front, she doesn’t understand the music she’s playing, and is unsure of what she’s trying to express in playing, and is unclear of the purpose of other people’s music-playing, how can she NOT met that fork in the road?”

Can someone just take up an instrument, but NOT learn the music, and NOT liking it?  Of course, that, is your personal choice, even though, it would be a total shame—a ton of parents want their kids to take up an instrument, with the focuses other than just the techniques, for instance, to get the child to have better work ethics, to train the child to think rationally, to increase one’s own ability to feel, etc., etc., etc.  But, NO matter how wonderful these added qualities are, the most directly related to playing an instrument is still learning the music and appreciating it, and, you can’t equate learning an instrument with learning music at all.

If the purpose of taking up a musical instrument is NOT to become a professional, then, you must NOT overlook the importance of music appreciation.  With the child’s classes getting heavier and life getting busier, after letting practice slide for some time, the songs the child was able to play so very well when s/he was younger, may NOT sound so flowing after the child grows up and play it again, and, the child might not even want to play it again.  Which means, that what the parents put in, the money, the time, the energy, they’d only gotten the child’s ability to play the instrument, wouldn’t that be costly, and such a shame too? But, the thought of musicality and appreciation, can independently exist, outside of the ability to play an instrument, and, it would be something that spans across the lifetime.  And, since it’s an investment, the smart parents should make it long-term, to have the children learn to appreciate music and play a musical instrument, so, the child will carry both forth in one’s life.

And this, would be the problem of traditional Chinese parents, they want their kids to be excellent in the techniques of something, but NOT allowing the child to truly appreciate the thing that they’re FORCING on to their offspring, and that’s just the WRONG way of teaching the kids, and, IF you forced your kid to sit in front of that sheet music, that piano for TWO hours every day, what do you think you’ll get in the end?  A kid who came to truly appreciate the value of her/his music abilities, or, just a kid who’s sitting for those two hours, and NO MORE, because mommy and daddy made me?

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Changing Tracks, Gaining the Acceptance

On parent-child interactions, translated…

This year, my eldest daughter who’s in New York, entered into TWO international clothes design competitions: she’d earned the top prize from Spain; and in her entry in Italy, she’d gotten into top ten, and in July, she will enter into the finals.  These two international clothing design competition, my daughter was the only Taiwanese person who’d earned an award, and, she could be the pride of Taiwan, I suppose!

Recalling how years ago, when my daughter asked if she could change tracks, I not only didn’t encourage her, I’d even used sarcasms and mockeries, to show how unsupportive I was of her choice in life.  I’d used my way of thought from when I was raised, to put down my own children, not believing that my kids would have what it takes, to make their own dreams come true.  But now, my daughter, used what she has herself, and gained great accolades, that, was outside of my expectations that’s for sure, other than being happy about it, it made me introspect.

All the way to the top, my eldest daughter was filled with a TON of courage and hardship confronting her choice, originally, she’d already received a master degree in physical therapy from Yang-Ming University, she’d worked at the hospitals as a physical therapist for multiple years, she was paid very well, with steady scheduling too.  Other than work, she’d taken night courses on clothing designs at Shi-Jien University at night, it took her a total of a year and a half, for her to get her degree in that.  I thought, that that, was only her hobby from outside of work, without realizing, that she’s getting closer to her own personal goals in life.

One day, she’d abruptly told me she wanted to get a master in clothing design in the States, back then, I was furious, I strongly told her no.  Because that, was totally unrelated to what she’d taken her courses in before; I recommended that she go for a speech therapist degree, or to test for a therapist certificate in the States, that, would be the right thing to do.  Plus, her two younger sisters are still in school too, and we still have yet to pay up our home loans, economically, it would be hard, for us to give her any monetary supports.  I questioned her about why she didn’t choose the clothes designs major when she’d gone to college, then, it would’ve saved her this whole detour.  She asked us, “Would you have agreed?”

But, my daughter refused to get beaten, for her own dreams, she’d quitted her job at the hospitals, and entered into the economics department’s clothes design competition in Taiwan, she’d gotten first place in the 2010 competitions, at the same time, she’d passed her TOEFL exams, and sent her applications to two of the namely clothes designs graduate schools, and she’d gotten accepted in both, and was offered scholarships too, in the end, she’d chosen to head to New York to take courses in Parsons School of Designs.

And here, I want to give some advice, based off of my own experiences, respect, and believe in your own children, don’t be like me, careful on everything to the point of being unsupportive.  As parents, we should learn to let go when we are supposed to, allowing our kids to do what they enjoy, and, younger generations, if you still have dreams, go ahead, go after them!

And no, you still didn’t hear THIS from me, this, was the experience of a mother, who was all too UNSUPPORTIVE of her own offspring’s dreams, but, her daughter did NOT let the parents’ expectations beat her down, she still went AFTER her own dreams, and now, she’s an achieved clothes designer, she’d made it to the top, and now, the mother looks back, and see how wrong she was, and, had she been just a bit MORE supportive, then………well, it’s too late for that now, because we will eventually grow up, and then, we will NOT need you, parents, anymore!

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Thoughts of an Addict

Here Comes Another “Round” of Abuse…

50 Shades of me

His mother struggles everyday
To watch him throw his life away
Beautiful boy, now gone astray
Says he don’t need her help

Don’t you tell me what to do
I’ll do whatever I want to
Just back off you ain’t got a clue
And I don’t want your help

Oh, can I sleep here again tonight?
And then I’ll get out of your sight
And you can lend me money… right?
Well, that’s if you wanna help

Cos you don’t matter anymore
As long as I can go and score
You can give it all and I’ll still want more
So there’s no point to your help

What? Do you think this is fun?
Look what you’re doing to your mum
You keep this up then we are done
Unless you get some help

Listen Dad, it’s a disease
And while it never lets me sleep
Just one more hit…

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Prejudice, Making Racial Differences into the Original Sin

A Q&A, translated…

Q: the thirty-one year-old Ms. Q, in the first love she was in, she’d come face to face with an unreasonable problems, and she wanted to know, if she should keep going…

Ms. Q is of Hakka descent, the one year older boyfriend is Taiwanese, and works in a government-owned business, they are very well matched up, but, the first time she’d gone to her boyfriend’s house to visit, his mother shot her down.  The boyfriend first, spoke on behalf of Q to his own mother, but in the end, because his mother persisted in her views on the matter, he’d backed down, and used the excuse of “I don’t want to make you wait, so, go find someone else better”, to distance himself from her.

Q only knew, that her boyfriend’s mother was prejudice against people with the Hakka heritage, based off of two things: first, because the neighbors from her boyfriend’s old home kept taking advantage of her, and the neighbors, just so happens, are of Hakka heritage; secondly, her boyfriend’s cousin’s wife happens to be Hakka too, and, because her household came under some economic difficulties, she didn’t tell her boyfriend’s cousin, and used his family’s assets to help her own family out, nearly causing his cousin’s house to go bankrupt.

And, even though these two cases are incidences, but the boyfriend’s mother set up her mind, and wouldn’t even give her a chance to meet her first.  Q suggested, that both her parents are government workers right now, and they’re doing well economically, and that if the boyfriend’s mother doesn’t feel secure enough, she could sign a document that will keep their assets separated after the marriage; and if the boyfriend’s mother still didn’t like her, then, she shall rent away from his home, and wouldn’t spend a CENT from his family.

And, even after all of that, she still didn’t get any positive feedback from them.  And her family are all feel bad for her, wanted to give her boyfriend up, to find another man to marry.  But, how could she let go, when she’s fully invested in the relationship emotionally?

A: My Advice

On the matter which Ms. Q talked about, it is NO longer a matter of how much you must give in, it’s because of the mother’s prejudices and stubborn mindset, even IF on the surface, she’d stated that “it’s because Q is of Hakka descent”, maybe, it’s not the real reason.  From how I see it, you can see, how this love had gone, from the boyfriend’s attitude, it’s just that he’d used a step-by-step method to breaking up with her, causing Q to believe, that he still had feelings for her.  Let go, change your mind, and restart again, that, is the right path that Q should be on.  A love, if it requires one party to lose dignity, to give everything one has, and still gets nothing in return, then, it would be a WRONG kind of love.  What sort of a heritage, could become this kind of “original sin”?  There’s NO need for you to carry all of that on your shoulders now.

And so, the mother might be using the excuse of this woman being Hakka to fend her off, and, it’s just that this woman is so in love with her boyfriend that she doesn’t see how WRONG this love actually is, and, if eventually, they DO get married, then, this woman will have H-E-L-L to pay that’s for sure, so, it’s for the best, that this relationship came to an end already, and it’s just that she still had the leftover feelings of love for this man, that she must deal with, before she could move on to bigger, and better things in life.

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Just Follow the Tracks? On Parenting

Translated…

A few days ago, I saw on television that there was an interview of how the famous taught their offspring, one of the male stars said in a serious voice, “The future of my child, I’d planned out for him, he just needed to follow the tracks, and, he will NOT derail onto a different path.”

There are kids around me, whose lives are cramped up with a TON of talent classes, and they’re without any alone time, and rarely socialized with their friends, and couldn’t even take the busses themselves, and the parents would say, “I was from a poor background, and couldn’t take up as many talents as I would’ve wanted to, and I’m making my child take all those talents because I don’t want her/him to have any regrets.” Every time I’d heard this sort of a statement, I can’t help but question, when the mother’s dream is becoming an artist, then, she makes her son take art lessons; when the dad wanted to become a musician, he’d forced his children to take up the piano or the violin.  But, had the parents actually taken the time to consider, What, exactly, is the dreams of the child?  Without the art lessons, the piano, would there be any regrets in her/his life?

Sometimes, parents would make their kids live their unfulfilled dreams, and so, before school age, they’d start to “cultivate” the child, put in a TON of resources, leading the child toward some bright future, but, at the same time, the child’s innocence, a happier and carefree childhood is lost.  Maybe, the children’s dreams are smaller than the adults’, maybe, he just wanted to play in the park, in the sandbox with his young friends.

Everybody has a different way of experiencing the world, and, forcing someone to march down the “right path”, this may become a huge burden instead.

The children are NOT clones of the parents, nor are they tools to help fulfill the parents’ unfulfilled dreams.  Everybody has her/his own life path, and has the right to utilize one’s own abilities to find out what one is good at, to discover the world.

Surely, it may be smooth on the tracks you’d planned out for your offspring, but, who can say, that maybe, by derailing, there may be an alternative, but equally beautiful scene to be had.

And so, STOP forcing your dreams, your childhood fantasies onto your own offspring, just because you never got the chance to live YOUR dream, PARENTS, that still doesn’t give you the right, to DEPRIVE your kids of their dreams, after all, we are NOT clones of our parents here, are we now???  Uh, HELL NO!!!

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