Since that Time I’d, Met You

李泰祥 告別 – YouTube a song by the man, off of YouTube

yes, the link works!

A magical, song, that helped this individual find the comfort she was desperate in need of, in a foreign place, without anybody else she knows to support her, to get her through the hard times translated…

Back then, I was living in Australia, a step, from being, psychologically, broken, down.

From my front door looking out, you can see that tallest hill where the Tasmanian capital is located, with the snow still not yet completely, melted, like a chubby child with a white hat, staring, back at me.  I’d, missed the mountains of Hualien, even though, it’s always, with that, mysterious look covering over them, but, they’d had, so many, good stories to tell, and every time, a different tale.

I also miss that tabby that fell seriously ill the moment we got off the plane, and, after emergent resuscitations, she got so upset, she ignored the medical staff that saved her life, and, started, ranted incessantly aloud at me, blamed us, for not letting her just die.  I’d, buried her at the public pet cemeteries, and, then questioned, why I’d, come to, Australia, with a few sets of attires, fifteen casings of books, along with my doctoral dissertation I just, started working on.

I’d originally thought, that by leaving Taiwan, starting a new love, can help me leave the annoying Taipei, to get away from the restraints of interpersonal relations, and to, restart my career in the academia, and can wave goodbye, to the worsening of the relationships I’d shared with my parents that’s gone on, for close to, two decades.  But the truth be told, I’d just, fallen out of that first hole, into, another, hole, and, as I started living in the foreign land for the few days, and realized that it’s not quite right, too late then.  The two of us, under the same roof, nothing to say to one another, but, the process of moving internationally, was too difficult, and, to stop the process, it’s, next to, impossible now.

Tasmania is close to the South Pole, the island that’s roughly the same size as Taiwan, is covered by half with national parks in area, beautiful scenery, the summers here, are colder than winters in Taiwan, the sun out short.  Life is simple here, eating out, too expensive, on weekends, almost NO shops are opened.  Other than fixing my three meals per day, I’d worked, endlessly, night and day, on my dissertation, the music history research materials I’d collected for more than a decade became, a huge mess, the more I panicked, the more I was, unable, to come up with something, and it became, next to impossible for me, to get my thoughts straight.

More importantly, my partner who’s, not from the same culture as I, it’d made me even more panicky of the differences that we have, and confrontation became a way of our lives, whether it be using English or Chinese to communicate, I feel I was losing my ability to speak.  My body, mind, are both, crashing down fast, the old injuries not yet healed back up, and the new ones came, and, what I have left in me, was only, enough, barely, to maintain that peace on the, surfaces of our lives together.

But the days marched on just the same.  In the small library in the city, I’d started checking out the various kinds of music, to try and soothe my own, unsettlement of mind, to attempt to squeeze out what joys I possibly can, in this, mess of my own life.

One day, I’d received a package from my older sister, opening it up, it was that album that glowed of the golden rays of sunshine.  On Li Tai-Hsiang’s “Since I Last Met You”, the album cover, that field of green Taiwan was what greeted me, I felt shocked, too long since I last saw the bright sunshine.  Although I couldn’t understand why my older sister selected the type of music that I never listened to, nor was I interested in the male tone of voice, but I’d thought, I got, nothing to lose.

The sound of guitar came on, spread out, like the daisies growing on the hillside.  His singing sent me spinning around, I’d suddenly, lost my foothold, and I started, floating in air.  I was shocked, at how someone can sing so coldly with a voice, but so, passionately at the same time, the tone was sharp, yet, calm and collected, heated up, but quite, cooled at the same time.  The multitudes of conflicts all sung aloud, in his voice, fuller in form and sound, and, it’d, ironed flat these, bumps, these holes in my heart.

The song for the very first time I’d heard, no matter what the words were, I couldn’t hear the lyrics.  The sound of violin, loosened up my tightened shoulders.  In that piano, sounding like the lute, came the heart that’s, not been, cared for for too long.  His voice broke that invisible armor down that I put on, I saw how the fatigue, the upsets that’s, been, piling up on my life then, plus, the loneliness, the hardship I’d faced living in a foreign land, how everything made me unsettled, how I’d had to, hold my breaths in, to get through another day, how I was, taxed out, slowly, bit by bit, little by little, by the, days.

That naïve in the music, was so magical to me.  Lee’s voice was full, with that untamed feel to it, passed that passion he had for life to me.  Sitting silently, in front of that stereo, although I’d not known what my next steps are going to be, but, it seemed, that I’d not felt, so lost, so, tangled, so, hopeless anymore.

In the time of that song playing completely from start to finish, my heart that’s become like the desert, there was, that tiny yellow bud, starting, to bloom.

And so, this must be, an amazing artist, because his voice had that ability to help you feel healed up, and that, is what a good song does for people, the voice of the artist, can have that calming effect to us, and the lyrics, we can find the wisdom we are seeking in our lives in them too, not to mention the melodies of the notes that sounded, smooth-flowing, with that needed, calming effect we are, in desperate need of.

Finding Solace in the Words…

Finding solace in the words, the words that spoke, directly, to me, it seemed, that the writer really, knows, what I’d been, going through, my whole life!

Finding solace in the words, this, is what we all want, to make that connection, to feel, that we’re not, all alone, in this world, that we’re, currently, experiencing, ALL the, bad parts in right now.

But, we’re, ALL, alone, separate, entities, standing on, our own, by our own, selves here, and, NOBODY can, take these, pains away!

Finding solace in the words, I’d, tried, so very hard, to find some sort of a commonality of our, experiences, and yet, I kept, coming up, empty handed, but how’s that even, possible, when we’re, almost, identical, in our, experiences in our, separate lives?

like, this…

found online

Finding solace in the words, yeah, I’d found EVERYTHING in these words that I’m, currently, writing out, and through the verses, the passages of the books I’d read, and I don’t need, NOTHING (and your point being???) more.

Got everything I will, EVER need, right here (don’t ask where “here” is still)!

Finding solace in these words, you’re in need, of, too much comforting, and I can’t give it, ‘cuz, I ran out, and, you can’t get what you need, nor what you want, from me, as in, E-V-E-R, and that’s, that!

Note: this is still NOT (why am I repeating myself here again???) directed toward ANYBODY who CAN read, and if you can’t read yet, and you understand this article, do give me a call, I’d loved to meet ya…

Yeah, uh, right…………

What is Taken Away from Your Education?

Lessons we learned, from school, from our own, experiences in life, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Recently I’d made the speeches at the schools, as the speech ended, a parent led two children to before me.  “Professor, I was your student, do you still remember me?”  This was every instructor’s nightmare, I’d, worked really hard, to think back on all the students, and just, couldn’t, recall her name; but I’d still smiled and told her, “let me think!”, as she’d heard me say this, her smile did not fade, she’s not, disappointed one bit, but her second-grade daughter looked up at her innocently, “Mom, your teacher can’t remember you!”

I felt very awkward after hearing, before I could reply, she’d immediately told her child, “Do you know how many students the professor’s had?  How can she remember every one, but, so long as I remember her!”, then, she’d, started speaking of her middle school careers, that with the problems she’d, faced in life then, how I’d, given her the advices she’d needed, “because you’d, counseled me, teacher, so I will, never forget you, as I saw the flyer on the seminar, I was so excited to come, to thank you.” as she’d told me, I still, can’t quite, remember her, but, I’d felt, very touched by her words.

The following day, a student used the communication app to contact me, this particular student had been, hurt by a certain teacher, he’d come back to me to tell me about what happened, to seek out my counsel, it took me sometime, but I’d, accompanied him, helped him out; back then, I’d, encouraged him: you need to turn what happened to you, into your driving force, if there’s a chance, you must, help those who’d been hurt like you had.  Back then he’d told me, that he will, work hard, to become a teacher who can, help his students.  In his final year of high school, he wrote me that with his grades, there was, NO chance he will ever be a school teacher, so, he was, willing, to become, a serviceman, to fight to protect the country.

And now, many years afterwards, he’d, shared with me everything he’d weathered through in the armed services, and he’d, mentioned what happened to him again back in middle school, and stressed to me, that even though he wasn’t, highly ranked, he will use his past as a teacher, to NEVER make the mistakes his middle school instructor had made.

After I’d read, although I’d felt glad, but, I couldn’t help but feel: that the first woman told me, “so long as I remember you!”.  It symbolized, I don’t’ need your affirmations from your memories, but I will remember, that was, the demands that one made of, one’s own, characters, to never forget to be, thankful.  While the second student, couldn’t forget about the shame, but he’d not, selected, to take revenge, instead, he’d, turned his shame into something he could, learn from, to remind himself, to NEVER shame another like he’d been, shamed.  Think on his, how many people we will meet, how many things we can, encounter, in our, lifetimes!

Who remembered us, it isn’t, that important, what’s important is who we remembered?  Well, it’s, not that important either, the important being WHY we remember who or what we remember?  Those that happened, those whom we remembered, what were their, influenced on us?  From these two students, I saw the choices of attitude, how they’d, chosen to make themselves feel happy, how by choosing to forgive, it’d, given him peace, to use the past as a mirror to reflect, to have a life without regrets, what, will you, choose?

And so, this, is something worth pondering on, what, do you remember when you graduated?  I’m sure, that it’s not the course load, the books, the materials, or even what you’d made on your exams, it’s the experience of learning, of accumulating the knowledge, of the lessons that life teaches us that we will, carry with us from here on out.

Getting Out from Postpartum Depression

Translated…

Upon hearing recently, that a woman committed suicide due to postpartum depression, after work, my husband inquired, if I’d felt okay lately?  If something’s up, I needed to let him know.

Compared to three years ago when my firstborn got here, my husband had metamorphosed from that self-centered big boy, into a man who puts his family first.  That year, my first child came, my husband’s “living life his way” made me feel so very helpless and alone, the “active participations” from my in-laws made me feel even MORE pressures; plus the economical burdens, I’d washed my face with my tears every single day.

Even after my month long recuperation is up, the anxieties, the self-mutilations, even the thought of taking my child with me to suicide, still circled around my mind again and again.  I’d told my husband of it, and, he’d blamed me for being too anal.  What’s most impressive was, when I’d told him I’d wanted to get professional medical help, he’d replied, “You should go to Africa instead, fighting to survive there every single day, that’ll keep your mind away from feeling depressed!”

Whether or not it was a joke, I’d still can’t believe, that someone who’d educated as he, a dentist, graduated from a public university, can say something so awful.  And, if my husband, who had medical trainings behaved as such, then, what trials must the other women who are also dealing with postpartum depression be faced with, would they be able to, receive the understandings of their separate families?

Thankfully, I have a supportive group of church friends, they’d helped take care of my child, took me to the free counseling sessions offered by the church; the counselor, after knowing my situation, encouraged me to see a professional.  In the seeing of the psychiatrist, I’d found, that other than the medications, the national health insurances also covered the talk therapy sessions as well.

Through the talking therapy session, I’d slowly felt better, learned to introspect and gotten some techniques to help me get along better with my husband.  From the three to four times fight a day, to one fight every three to four months, and now, we have two babies, and are expecting a third.  My friends joked about how intimate I must be getting with my husband, driving us to have so many children.  Yeah, certainly, compared to the postpartum depression experiences, we are now, interacting, so much better.  Postpartum depression may be a crisis of a marriage, but it can also be a chance, to better your interactions with your partners too.

And so, this woman worked, very hard, to get herself OUT of her own postpartum troubles, and, postpartum depression is still NOT a myth, you LOSERS, it’s real, and so, the next time your separate ladies start showing signs after they gave birth to YOUR young, DO show us some kindness!

You Can Give Up if You Want to…

You can give up if you want to, baby, I know it’s been hard, you’re a fighter, I know, but, I don’t want to see you fight anymore, because we’re fighting a war, with absolutely NO chance of us, winning it!

You can give up if you want to, don’t be so headstrong, child, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, and, surely, I will grieve, very hard, for you, but, that, is just how people deal with losses in their lives, they CRY, they MOURN for it, but, after a good cry, we still all must, get BACK up and run again.

You can give up if you want to, I know you’re a fighter, but, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore, so, just give up already, love.  You can give up if you want to, I won’t hold it against you, I know you love me, and I know that you know I love you too, and, I just can’t bear, seeing you slowly, deteriorate away, so, just let go, it’ll be okay, I promise………

You can give up if you want to, that doesn’t mean that you’d lost the fight, oh no, I will keep on, fighting, on your behalf, letting the world know your story, I will carry on everything you never got a chance to see and do, I will live on, and let the world know about you, so, you will NEVER be forgotten by anybody whose lives you’d touched.

Cussing His Cancer Friend Out, It’s Sparked the Will to Live in Him

Helping someone who’s in the same predicament out, translated…

After my eldest uncle died of stomach cancer, I feared that there’s the inherited genes, I’d gone to the hospital for a check up, and, I was in the third stage of stomach cancer.  I’d thought, that after the surgeries, I will be fine, but, I’d started, retaining water, so I’d had to have a bag connected to my bladder at all times, and I’d become, a “backpacker” ever since, and, the will to live had, slipped away from me, little, by little, I’d really wanted to, just DIE.

Because I’m a Christian, other than having my faith to help carry me through, I’d relied on other members of my congregation, as well as my wife, to help me through, it’d made me realize, just how much luckier I am, compared to some of those who fell ill.  After I’d realized just how lucky I truly am, I’d decided, to turn what I’d weathered through thus far, into something greater, I’d gone to volunteer at the hospital, helped others to regain their health back again, sometimes, I’d gone to volunteer during the mornings, and, gone through my chemo treatments in the afternoons, and, even though, my body felt awful, I’d never complained, my coworker said, that I was working really hard.

Being a volunteer is very meaningful, you can share what you went through, with those who are still, fighting hard, sharing with them, let them know, “if I can, so can you.”  One time, I’d met a person who’s ill, he’d lost his will to live, and kept hollering nonstop how he’d wanted to die, I’d gotten angry, grilled him, “You think that you can give up, at any time you wish?  That you can lose your life at anytime you want to?”

Life, is all about, battling, ‘til that final drop of blood drips from your body, then, winning and losing, is decided, if you want to win, then, you need to keep a healthy mind and body, through exercising, to keep the cancer from coming back.  After that patient who’s diagnosed with cancer had heard me, he was originally, in a state of NOT eating ANYTHING, that day, he’d had a hearty meal, and, made the decisions, to live out his life fully, however long it may be, and that, was the biggest gain for volunteering for me.

Knowing that your stories can help someone out, to help the person have a brand new perspective, it’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  And that, just shows, how easily you can affect someone, to help change a life, and, this person didn’t even make ANY monetary donations too, imagine THAT!

The Consequences of Your Goodbye

You DO realize, that goodbye have consequences, right???  Well, I’m living with, the consequences of your goodbye right now!

The consequences of your goodbye, it’d left me, heartbroken, I didn’t expect you to turn into one of my lost loves, but you had, and, when the Magic Wand was waved, and the spells said, everything shattered for me.

The consequences of your goodbye, too hard, to handle, I can’t cope, I feel the need, to find a hole somewhere, so I can crawl into it, and D-I-E, you’d left me, broken, and I don’t even know how, to start, picking up all those pieces, without getting cuts and gnashes on my hands.

The consequences of your goodbye, I’d weathered through it all, thought I would die, but, I was actually, STRONGER than I’d ever expected, cried too hard is the thing, gotten over you, bit by bit, little, by little, a day, at a time.

And now, after I’d weathered through, your goodbye (and there was still NOTHING good ‘bout it!), I know, that I’m stronger than before, and I’m glad, that you’d broken my heart!  And no, I’m still NOT P-S-Y-C-H-O here, ‘k???

Standing Idle, at the Intersection of Grief & Loss

I’m just waiting, for all of those “feelings”, to catch up to me…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, still waiting, waiting, to feel something, ANYTHING at all!  I’d waited, and waited, until the lights turned green…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I found myself, statuesque, unable to move, I’m too, petrified, to even move, an inch farther.  Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m still waiting, for either loss, or grief, to kick me on my behind.

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I don’t know what to do, I’m beside myself now, I’m too, overwhelmed, with all these awful emotions I want to run away from, but, I couldn’t, because, I knew, that they will eventually, catch up to me, and, there is, NO place, for me to run!

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m crying now, so very hard, I lost, ALL of my strengths, crying my eyes out, and, there’s no way, I can defend against, this influx of negative emotions…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m waiting, for either to catch on to me, but, I looked left, AND then, I looked right, there IS no sight, of either one of them, perhaps, they’d ditched me completely???

When My Cancer Came Back, I’d Learned, to Smile On Every Single Day

After the cancer was in remission for awhile, and, it’d come back again, translated…

This day, is the follow-up appointment of my chemotherapy.  While I’d waited, I was getting really bored, and I’d already, finished the book I took with me to the hospital, and so, I’d started, sliding on my cell.

“Ma’am, are you also here for cancer treatments?”, I’d heard a middle aged man sitting next to me asked, I’d smiled and nodded to him.  And, it seemed that he’d found someone, to pour his heart out to, he’d told me, that he’d taken his mother to the doctors every single week, his mother had cancer in her pancreas, the tumor was about 3.5 centimeters in size, and had already metastasized, and because his mother was in her eighties, the doctors didn’t approve her for the operations, and the target medications are not as effective either, so, they’d treated the cancer passively.  The elderly woman seemed to know a little bit about her conditions, it’s just that being her son, he felt very awful, and he’d asked me, how I was able to cope with my cancer with this sense of comfort and optimism?

I’d told him, it’s been five years since I first got diagnosed, and this time, it had come back again, but because I feel NO fears toward death, that, was how I was able to deal with it so positively, and I’d practiced positive thinking regularly: the heavens made me get diagnosed with cancer, not for the sake of punishing me, but wanted me to learn to love and treat myself well.  After I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d changed my bad eating habits, and the bad lifestyle I’d taken up from before, and, I’d stopped pursuing perfection endlessly.

I’d told him, “Compared to the traffic accidents, cancer is a better way to go, it’d allowed us to make arrangements ahead of times.  If there are only a limited number of days left, while you can still move around, go out to see the world, and eat whatever you wish.  Why not ask your elder if there are unfinished businesses that she’d wanted to achieve or accomplish?  Including apologizing for whatever, showing gratitude toward someone, perhaps, along with saying farewell to the ones she loved.”

I’d heard the nurses called out my number now, before I’d entered the doctor’s office, I’d told the man, “Illness is like the sun, it will shine on us all equally.  And, if we can’t avoid death completely, then, we should, smile on every single day, one can live a happy AND fulfilled life, with cancer too.”

And so, this, is how the person sees cancer right now, but, she must’ve gone through ALL the phases of loss, the denials, the bargaining, etc., etc., etc., and this time, it’s a second time around, and so, she’d had the previous experiences of being treated, and, she’d gained a positive view toward being diagnosed with cancer, and, she shares her experience, with someone who is troubled by the same things she once was, in hopes, that it can help this man, see the light too.

The Hurt Goes on, with Every Tear Shed

So, you think, that crying is the way, for you, to heal your wounds???  Think AGAIN!!!

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and this had become, really confusing to me, ‘cuz I’d been told, that after you’d cried, you won’t feel the hurt no more (and your point being???).  The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and, the more you cry, the more you’re, reminded, of what he’d done, to hurt you.

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, because you hadn’t mourned for the loss completely yet, but, one day, you’ll be completely finished, and, you’ll look back, and see, that the tears shed, were not, for naught, that although you’d stained your pillows so many nights, they’d actually, helped you move on, eventually.

Now, this, is a very slow-occurring process, and, there’s NO way you can possibly hurry it along, so, all you can do, is to just, BEAR with it!

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and no, it still won’t get better, not just yet, you have to first, mourn for the betrayals of that lost love, and, if that’s not painful enough in itself, you still must deal with everything else that’s going on, outside of you, and, when you can finally, juggle everything, and NOT drop a single item, then, you’re well on your way, to healing, and no, you’re still not, quite healed up completely yet though…