Where Did the Little Angel Fly to?

How do you, teach a young child about loss, about, death, to help them, grieve for the loss of a, best friend???  On the lessons of life and death, translated…

As We Were Feeling Sad that the Young Life is Lost, How Would My Six-Year-Old Young Grandson, Face with Losing His, Best Friend……………

After my eldest grandson came home from school, he kept stating, “after I tell grandpa a story, I will be, filling up the balloons”.  I’d agreed in no time, and waited until he’d finished reading to me, his dad said, it was getting late and they should head home, he’d become, angry, felt that the adults didn’t keep their promises, stressed that he will, fill up the balloons before he heads home.

I couldn’t understand why he was so stubborn about filling the ballons, I’d picked him up and asked, “it’s really late, mom’s waiting for you at home, can’t you fill up the balloons tomorrow?”, suddenly, he got teary eyed, “Yu is gone, I want to give him his, favorite, balloon………”, I’d originally thought he was joking, and I’d, confirmed it with him repeatedly, to see if he was telling me the truth, he’d cried and started, “I’m not lying, grandma…….he really, went to, heaven to be an, angel……….”, suddenly, I’d felt my heart wrenching, while I’d felt bad for the young life that’s, lost, but how will my six-year-old young grandson, cope with his best friend’s, death?  All I could do, is quietly, sat with him, to fill up the white, long, balloons, he said, “I didn’t get to write any words of blessing to Yu, I will have the teacher teach me to tomorrow then.”

illustration from UDN.com

As my eldest grandson left for home, my husband and I decided, to NEVER mention this again, hoping, that it’ll help him, slowly forget this, sad memory.  These two best friends were deeply connected, back when they were in the two-year-classes together, because Yu with the eye conditions couldn’t quite express himself in whole sentences, the teacher assigned my outgoing, active eldest grandson to be his buddy, they were seated next to each other in class, and slowly, they’d turned into, the best of friends.  When my eldest was at home, he’d told us about the progresses that Yu had made, for instance: he’s speaking now, in more complete sentences, he can count from one to ten now, the two built the castles out of blocks, drawn, and other leisure activities together.  In the three years of time shared, any project my eldest grandson had made in my home, he’d told, “I shall give this to Yu tomorrow”.  Yu was also, very popular in the class, this childish friendship, surely, was, precious, and yet, right after the New Year’s, it all came to, a dead, halt.

We’d originally thought, that not talking about death was the best way to help our eldest grandson, but as I saw on the assignment books, the teacher left a two-page note that moved me—the instructor specially selected an illustrated book about death, “The Dinosaur went to Heaven”, to teach the young children about death, and she’d described how on the day as the students went to the funeral, and placed the gifts for the child who was lost; as they went to see the child off, the instructor can no longer, hold back her tears, my eldest grandson was really gentle, consoled with her, and inquired, “Does cremation hurt?”, the teacher told, “Yu is no longer hurting, because he’d received all of your, blessings, he’d gone to heaven, to be, an angel now.”  In the classroom, the class set a special corner to commemorate Yu, with his favorite story, “The Cars Built a House”.

here’s one…image from online

We’re really grateful toward how the instructor had handled this matter so delicately, to educate the young children on the first lessons of death, to help them find an alternative way to grieve that’s different from the adults’ ways.  That day, Yu happily chimed to me on his life story, “long, long ago, I was, one of the happy angels in heaven too, I’d loved turning the clouds into cotton candy, and, eaten them slowly, they’re so very, sweet.  One day, I saw a really, tall building, and I was, so happy I’d spread my wings, soared to the tenth floor window, as the moonlight lit up the skies, I’d, opened the window gently, had, secretly, hidden myself inside mommy’s tummy, that’s how I became………”

On the day life ended, it’s a new beginning for a brand new, journey, I pray, that Yu, in a beautiful heaven, can soar happy and free, like a bird, to find a home that he loved living in.

And so, this is, a lesson, learned, much too early for this young child, he’d lost his, best friend, and, being too young, he’d not known how to express his sadness, his sorrows, his loss, but the school teacher’s reading the illustrated books about the meanings of death to the class, it’d helped this young boy understand, that his best friend isn’t gone, he just, exists in another form to him, as memories.

another book that teaches children about death…from online

The Suppressing of Pains Long-Term Turned Traumatic, the Justice Systems Only Offered Slaps on the Wrists for the Perps, Most of the Victims Made to Re-Experience the Traumas

The need for a safe environment, to disclose, to tell what happened to them personally, is needed, but unfortunately, the society isn’t, as, kind, so the victims of these crimes, will, continue to, suffer…off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

There’d been one right after another and other cases of children and adolescents’ sexually illicit videos gone viral of late, the victims are traumatized psychologically, lived their days on eggshells, the assistant director of the Taoyuan Psychiatric Unit, Lee pointed out, the victims who’d been traumatized like this, normally responded by exerting signs of anxiety, depression, a distrust of the world around them.  Lin, the certified counselor told, that most of the victims hid their traumas too deeply inside, the justice department’s giving the perps slaps on the wrists, hurts the victims even more.

and this still does NOT help! Illustration from online

“So of the victims who’d gotten their sexually illicit footages secretly filmed and posted online, these footages may still be online to this, very day!”, Lee pointed out, these victims suffer from a greater psychological impact than the those who’d been sexually assaulted in the past, from before, there’d only been a limited handful of those who’d watched the footages, and causing the victims the pressures; and now, the images and videos get passed around on the social media, to the point of getting posted like the online pop-up ads, or maybe, the pornographic sites got hacked, and the personal data passed online, causing the individuals’ personal lives being, impacted too.

“In another country, maybe someone can recognize a victims!”, Lee pointed out, compared to the past, the images that were recorded without consent, is carrying an everlasting effect, not only would the privacy of the victims get invaded, the traumas for the victims are, unimaginable to the ordinary persons.

Lin told that most victims would experience the acute symptoms of posttraumatic stress, feeling unclean, with the repeated nightmares, blaming oneself, or hating oneself, without the needed social support, the victims may suffer from long-term effects of PTSD.

Lin pointed out, most of the victims buried their pains too deeply, if they don’t speak out about the pains, or deal with the traumas, the individuals may start fearing intimacy, to the point of their personalities start distorting, and, most of the society, the members of the society’s fearing the discussions or the encounters of these experiences, not known how to handle, the justice systems, only giving the perps slaps on the wrists, it’s, another brand new forms of, emotionally assaulting the victims.

this will work, ONLY IF everybody is, nonjudgmental…photo from online

Lin said, to help these victims get away from the nightmares, there’s a need to create a safe environment for them to heal from their traumas in, step by step, by telling the experiences, to help heal their injured selves, and this requires the entire society to work together on.

This showed, the importance of a strong social support systems for the victims of these, heinous crimes, and unfortunately, because most of the society still gets into the automated mode of blaming the victims, even IF it’s the PERPS who are to blame, but that’s how the mentality works, that makes the healing process, that much more difficult than it should be.

Locking the Memories, in

Losing someone we love, is never easy, especially when it’s due to illness, and the person you loved dearly, had been really watchful of her/his own health, exercised regularly, eaten healthy, taking good care of her/his body, and then, CANCER still, HIT!  But you will, grieve and heal, and grieve, and heal a little, each and every day, until one day, when you think about that person you love so dearly, you don’t feel sad anymore…translated…

I’m afraid, that I might, forget about this one day, that’s why, I’d started, jotting down this, memory.

“When will I get to, leave here?”, “Leave?  You mean away from the hospital and go home?  Sure, certainly, we’d already discussed it with the doctor, these few days, we’ll be, filing for your discharge papers from the hospital, so you can go home to, rest~~~”

“To heaven!”

That was, the final conversation my husband had with, us.  I knew, if it wasn’t that he’d felt, gravely, ill, he who loves us too much, who cherished being alive, will NEVER, have this thought.  That very day, my husband, was, gone.

At the terminal stage of his cancer, I can only imagine, how much pain he must’ve been, in.  In our, hearts too.

Although my husband is very optimistic, and not fought fate at all.  But I’d felt that he was taken from us, way too soon, I’d still asked heavens, to this very day, “what sort of a joke are you, playing on, us all?”

My husband didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, loved exercising, was optimistic, with a great senses of humor, gone to his health checks like clockwork, but he’d, battled it out with his cancer for close to two whole years, then, he’d, died, had he lived for another whole year, he would’ve, made it to his, sixtieth.

Like usual, we’d gone to the E.R., because he wasn’t, feeling, well, we’d hoped, that this time was like all the previous, two, three days’ stay then he would be allowed to, come back home, but this time, he’d, stayed for a whole thirty-six days!  And we’d started, struggling between taking him home to care for him, or keeping him in the hospital to continue his, treatments.  Everybody stated that it’d strained the primary caretaker, but we’d come to know, that the one who’d gotten tried the most, was the, patient himself.

My husband is a good father, amazing husband, and took good care of his body regularly.  So, we had nothing to complain about caring for him.  I sat by the hospital bed, and thought, so long as he’s still with us, even if I have to care for him in the hospital for long period of time, I’d be more than willing, to.

Recalled on the funeral, the announcer stated, “your children are all grown now, this is the time of your better years, and yet, you’d, left………”, and every time I’d recalled this particular passage, my heart would, ache all over, again.

the cycle of grief by Kubler-Ross…found online

My husband retired at age fifty-five, he was already tried by his own blindness.  He’d coexisted with glaucoma for more than twenty years already, although he had two surgeries, his optical nerves never recovered, and finally, it’d, affected his field of vision.  His field of vision started narrowing little by little, in the end, he was diagnosed as severely visually impaired.  I’d already vowed, to take his hand in mind, when he’d needed me, the most, and yet, we were, struck by the lightning of his, cancer diagnosis, and it was, the KING: pancreatic cancer too.  Why are these, two most severe of all conditions, both happened to my, husband?

I can’t see through life and death.

And, the understandings of life and death from a religious angle, don’t help me one bit.

I thought I’d, let go already, and yet, the moment that came next, I’d felt my heart, aching, all over, again, and I can’t control these tears of mine, and I got stuck in this, cycle of, grief.

So many T.V. shows told, after people are gone, they’d become a star high up in the skies.  And so, I’d started, lifting my  head to the night skies, through searching for my husband’s star, to express how much I’d missed him, and hoped, that we can, meet back up again in my, dreams.

So, this is on losing one’s spouse, and it is, too hard, losing someone you’d spent these years of your adult life with, and, you’re still, grieving for his death, which is only, normal, and one day, with the passage of time, hopefully, you will be able to think about him, and, feel no sadness or sorrows, but joys, because of all those years you’d come to share as husband and wife together.

The Red Bean Pastries in the Coldness of Night

On loss, grieving, losing a loved ones, and how we can only, put one foot in front of the other, and keep moving, until one day, the losses and the sorrows, the grief from what we’d lost, is no longer, that strong anymore, and we can, finally, get through the days, slowly…translated…

Although, It’d Been Said, that We Can’t Compare Mourning, but I’m Still in AWE at the Female Owner’s Persistence, while What Touched Me Deeply, was Her Saying that “Life Goes on, if We Live Our Lives Well, then, the Ones We’d Lost Who are Now in Heaven, Will Feel More at Ease, They Won’t Need to Worry Over Us…”……

It was the year, I’d, lost my old dog and my elderly mom, I’d suddenly, lost the focal point in my life.  Nighttime was the time of day I’d, feared, the, most, as the memories of both my elderly mother and my old dog are in the house, to reduce the time that this creeps up on me, I’d, selected to head out to the local middle school tracks to walk.

In the cold of night, I’d, circled around the track, lap after lap after, lap, nobody will note, that I’m, crying as I’m, walking, along.  When it rained, I couldn’t tell if what’s dripping down from my face was the rain or my own, tears, and I’d, become, a zombie like this for, two whole weeks, just, walking around.

That day, I’d just, left the middle school, passing a roadside stand that sold the red bean pastries.  “Hello, would you like to purchase a pastry?  The fillings are oozing out!”, the mildly hoarse voice was, a bit, familiar to me, I’d focused in, it was, the stand owner with whom I’d usually purchased the foods from, don’t know when she’d moved her business here.

illustration from UDN.com

“I hadn’t seen you in quite a long time, from before, you were always out with your mother and your dog, and, every time your dog got to my stand, it’d, refused to, go farther, and had you purchased three pastries, then, it would, move itself, along………”

I’d smiled and nodded, and, tears came, flowing out.

“oh…I know it, and I’m, so sorry!  That’s how life goes, my son………he’d only gotten into a public university just last year, as he’d begun his university career, and only within six months of his entering into university, he’d died in a car crash……and it was, too difficult, for a single mother as I, to accept this.  My son died, can you imagine my loneliness?  As I’d heard the geckos making their noises on the walls of my home, I’d felt, that I wasn’t, alone anymore, I had a gecko as my, company, although, I’d never actually, seen the gecko.  But, the days will go on, if we’re well here, living on earth, then, the loved ones we lost in heaven, they will, feel, at ease too, and they will, be better off.”

illustration from UDN.com

The woman skillfully, flipped the pastry on the iron baking plate, slowly told, like she was, telling me, a tale of old.

Like I usually had, I’d, bought three pieces.  On my way back home, I’d, thought, that no matter what form of losing our parents it happened, it’s, an enormous feel of pain.  My two parents both died in their elderly age, which fitted to the laws of, nature, and, although I’m in grief, I’d felt, assured.  The woman from the food stand, lost her son, this would be, excruciating to her, and there’s that forced necessity to accept the loss as a fact, with the feelings of unwillingness, of how it could’ve happened, and maybe, hate too.

Although, we can’t, compare the losses we’d endured individually, but I’m still, in awe at the stand owner’s stamina, while, what touched my heart were the words of, “life will go on, if we’re well, then, the ones we’d lost who are now in heaven, will feel at ease, and they would be, well too.”

In the coldness of the night, I took a bite out of the hot red bean pastry, certainly, the fillings, oozed out!  Suddenly, I’d recalled how my mom told me to volunteer at the hospital, I’d decided right then and there, that I shall, make the inquiries in the morn.  Lifting my head to the sky full of stars, it will be, sunny tomorrow for sure.

And so, there’s, no specific time it takes, for a person to grief for the losses of the loved ones, and, the writer lost her mother, and the woman who owned the food stand lost her, son, the people they lost may be different, but, the feelings of losing someone we love, and the heart wrenching pains, the heartaches that comes with the losses, are always, unbearable, but we will, move on, eventually, we just, need to, allow ourselves enough time, to grieve fully and properly over the ones we’d, lost.

Her Body Knew What Happened to Her…

She couldn’t, recall, what’d happened to her on that night…

But, her body seemed to, recall, NO, it’d, remembered, EXACTLY what’d, happened how her attacker’s cologne, smelled, the scent of his, body odor, his sweat even.  But she couldn’t, recall…

Her body knew what happened to her that night, as she came home late from, work, she was, walking through, a darkened part of town that she’d normally not gone on her way, home, but on that night particular, she’d, gone that, way for some, unknown, reasons.

as her mind, began, remembering, too…illustration from online

Her body knew what happened to her that night, and it’d been, keeping track, and, it’d become, so burdened with the truth of the events of that night, it’d started, crumbling down, the aches, the pains that came, became, totally, unbearable, and soon enough, she’d noted, the bruises too!

Her body knew what happened to her that night, and it’d been waiting for her mind to finally, get ready, to accept and to know, and, as she’d, started having, those, lucid dreams of her attack, her body knew, that it no longer, shouldered the burdens of, remembering for her.

Because soon, she’d, remembered EVERYTHING that happened on that, night……….

What Right Have YOU, to TELL Me to, Forgive…

What right have YOU, to TELL me to, forgive, it did NOT happen to you, it’d, happened to, me, and nobody backed me up, and I was, all alone!  And now, you tell me, I need to, forgive him, for what he’d done, so we can all get along better, as a, group?  Why should I be the one, SACRIFICED for the harmony of, all of you (it’d now become, me and, them here!!!).

What right have YOU, to TELL me to, forgive, huh???  How would you act, if what happened to me, happened to you?  Oh yeah, you can’t comment on that, because it did NOT happen to you, it’d, happened to, ME!  What right have YOU, to TELL me to, forgive, because the entire group dynamic is not going so well, since that thing’s, happened from, whenever the HELL it’d, happened, is that it?

You got NO right, to TELL me to, forgive, and I don’t forgive, you just, can’t let that sort of SHIT, be forgotten, you can’t, sweep it, underneath that, RUG.

And yeah, so what, maybe (you think???) I’m a bit more, SENSITIVE than the rest, so???  You got, NO right to tell me to, forgive, because I, never, will!

The Woman Accused Blackie Chen for Sexual Harassment, the Victim Wasn’t Charged with Libeling

It’s happened, ELEVEN years ago, and yet, the events are still, very lucid in this, survivor’s, (not VICTIM) mind…off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The Five Witnesses Called to Testify by the D.A.’s Office Claimed They’d All Heard of the Incidents for Many Years, the D.A. Believed the Accusations to be True, and the Posting is Related to the Not-for-Profit Activities #MeToo

The former famed T.V. personnel, “Big Teeth”, Chou accused Blackie Chen for sexual harassment eleven years ago, Chen sued Chou filed a civil suit against her, then, withdrew it, instead, he’d pursued her in the criminal of severe libel; the D.A.’s Office of Taipei called Chou, her former agent, her agent now, the makeup artist, her best friend, a total of five, all claimed they’d heard her talking about the events from many years ago, the district attorney believed that Chou was telling the truth, and not just making things up, and the posting she’d made has to do with the #MeToo movement that’s now trending online, dropped the indictment against her yesterday.

Chou responded yesterday to the press, thanking the justice systems, that she kept on holding firm to the beliefs of justice will one day be served, thanked all who’d cared about her, her families, her friends.  “I still believe, doing the right things, no need to hesitate, I hope, that my case will bring those who are stuck in the MeToo situations, bringing the light they needed.”

In June, Chou posted on her personal FB page, disclosed that back in 2012, when she went to Hong Kong with Blackie Chen and the filming crew to do a show, in the hotel room, she was bear hugged against her will by Blackie Chen, and he’d molested her, described, “That evening from eleven years ago, had become this constant nightmare every now and then.”

The district attorneys, in order to confirm what Chou stated was truthful, called her former agent, Tseng, her current agent, as well as Blackie Chen’s former agent, Huang, her best friend, Huang, best friend from the T.V. industries, Bei, along with the makeup artist, Rao who’d gone to Hong Kong to work with her to testify.

All five stated, that from eight, nine years ago, they’d heard her talked about the events more than once; Huang stated she’d begun working with Chen back in 2017, and she’d refused to be in the same show as Blackie Chen, and as she’d talked about the sexual harassment back when, she’d started, going limp in the legs, started, trembling and shaking like crazy, she was angry, and couldn’t talk anymore, afterwards, as she was hugging another male performer, she’d melted down, and told, that Blackie Chen’s suing her was “fitting to his personality of nobody defies the king”.

The bestie, Huang told, that before Chen posted the statements, she’d felt ashamed, felt that nobody would back her up, it’d made her heart ached; she felt furious over how Blackie sued her for defamation.

Bei told, that on her wedding, as she’d assigned the guests in the seating, Chen asked her to “place me as far away from Blackie as you possibly can, I don’t want to see or bump into him!”  That she’d felt pressured, testifying, but felt awful of how Chen lost the work opportunities for bravely posting out what had happened to her, that she is barely making her ends meet, Bei felt angered for Chen’s sake.

Rao testified what she encountered and witnessed eleven years ago, claimed she was bringing the face mask to Chen, and, as the hotel room door opened, she saw her with fear in her face, asked her to come in to sit with her.  As they were discussing Blackie Chen’s sexual harassment toward her, Blackie called Chen up, wanted her to come to his room to watch a DVD.

The district attorneys went by the testimonies of the witnesses, plus how Chen flew to Hong Kong in person to press charges, believed that she’d not made something out of nothing, that she’d not intentionally accused him of something he didn’t do, that it was truthful, not libel nor slander, that these women who were testifying never had any huge grudges against Chen, to go after him, and they are T.V. actors, that Chen’s posting wasn’t for the sake of her own personal gains, that it was to help bring more awareness of the #MeToo incidents that might happen to anyone, dropped the libel claims against her.

Of course the charges of libel and slanders are dropped, this woman HAD the proofs of being sexually harassed by this man, and, the traumas of this woman’s experiences still isn’t quite over, she will, keep on, fearing getting molested, until she can, finally, work through all the feelings that’s still in need of processing by her body, her mind completely, then she will, finally, heal up, completely, but this is the first step in the right direction she took, toward healing her own self, back up, from getting, sexually molested by someone who’s, a famous T.V. personnel.

The Hidden Traumas of Ukraine’s Soldiers, by Nicole Tung

From the New York Times that came with today’s papers, on PTSD!

Night brings little sleep and terrifying dreams.  Day brings panic attacks and flashbacks.  All are exhausted and some think of suicide.  They fear their own thoughts, and what those thoughts might drive them to do.

Vladyslav Ruziev, a twenty-eight-year-old Ukrainian sergeant, has recurring nightmares about his experience being pinned down with his unit last winter, powerless to do anything about the constant Russian artillery, the bitter freeze, the comrades he saw lose arms and legs.  “Sometimes the ground was so thick with the wounded that the evacuation vehicles drove over their bodies by mistake in the chaos,” he said, recalling scenes he witnessed on the front earlier this year.

In a year and a half of war, many of Ukraine’s troops have had breaks totaling only about two weeks.  And when they do get short respites away from the front, what many of them need most is treatment for psychological trauma.

and, here are the stages, from online

which may, or may not happen in this “order”…

Andriy Remezov knows that suffering all too well—after going in 2014 to fight the Russian proxy forces in the East, he returned home and went into a tailspin.

“I got addicted to drugs and alcohol, and even thought about suicide, but my comrades rescued me,” said Remezov, 34.  He got treatment, became a psychologist and got married.

He rejoined the army last year.  On a two-day trip to Kyiv, Ukraine’s capital, sipping coffee in his kitchen with his wife, Marharyta Klyshkan, he explained that each time he leaves the front, he spends some quiet time mentally reviewing what he has endured “so I can put it on a shelf in my mind.”  Otherwise, he said, “all this information can just destabilize me.”

Ukraine’s mental health system can handle only a fraction of the need, he said, and most soldiers make the mistake of trying to tough it out on their own, as he once did.

A handful of centers in Ukraine treat mental trauma with traditional psychotherapy and alternative treatments: electrical stimulation, time with animals, yoga, aquatic therapy and more.

Oleksiy Kotlyarov, thirty-six, a military surgeon, sees years’ worth of grisly wounds every day at an understaffed medical station near the front, under incessant shelling, with minimal rest.  Suffering depression, panic attacks and bouts of crying, he has been diagnosed with PTSD.

Kotlyarov spoke for many soldiers when he said: “I’m not the same person as I was before this war.  I have low empathy, I’ve become tolerant to violence.”

This is on the personal effects of war, that everybody who’s touched by war responded differently to, the symptoms of these posttraumatic experiences may vary, due to the personality differences, and due to nature and nurture, but one thing’s for certain, if you’re touched by war, personally (meaning you were fighting in a war!), or indirectly, living with someone who’d went through the traumatic experiences of fighting in a war, then, you know how difficult it is, to heal, but, these individuals are still, working really hard, to recover their own bodies and mind, and mental states, so they can find some sense of normalcy back in their lives again.  The wars are NEVER really, over, for those who had been, impacted by them, until you fully go through the cycles of grief as ascribed by Kubler-Ross fully, and completely!

The Elderly Man’s, Loss~~~on Losing One’s Spouse in the Elderly Years

How the elderly man’s anger, came from how he was going to, lose his own wife, and he’s, simply, not ready to, lose her yet, and so, the anger came out of him…translated…

I’d Wanted to Point Out, that ALL the Complaints, Were Actually, the Sorrows from the Loss

The sorrows from losing one’s spouse in the elderly years, are often, overlooked, because the elderly population’s death is often construed as “it’s their time”.

In the forefront of one of the two in the marriage will die before the other, and, there would be the notions of  “it’s good that s/he died (having lived so long)”, “being as elderly as s/he is, s/he should’ve already, accepted death as the inevitable, end”, but, for the one who’d lost a spouse, the loss, may be even more complex, than we can all, imagine.

The Vacancy Left Behind by the Death of One’s Spouse, is Where the Loss is

There’s the saying of couples grow older, becoming companions of life, without that infatuation from when you were younger, the days passed, ordinarily like in the song by Jody Chiang.  It seemed, that people always need to be halted at a moment, the moment that they’d, looked back, to realize, that what they took to be granted as, precious, as proof of the lives that the two had, shared.

Once, in the ward, there was, an elderly male patient in his seventies who’d given us all headaches.

He’d arrived by the clock outside to see his wife, but, what’s scary was, he could always, voice out a ton of complaints.  This moment, it’s calling us out for not providing enough oxygen to his wife, causing his wife to hyperventilate; then, it’s how the nurses weren’t careful enough in handling his wife, making her hurt; then, it’s the air-conditioning being too cold, that his wife’s feet and hands were, too, cold…………all the ward’s nurses and doctors, even the orderlies, all got grilled by him at least once, and in the end, it took the head nurse to get the man settled.

Actually, it’s easy to note, that what he’d, complained, the shortness of breath, the moaning and groaning, the cold hands and feet………..it’s all biological signs of patients who are about to, pass away, and no matter how we’d, adjusted the machines, it can’t take the symptoms away from his wife, nor can we, ever, satisfy, him.  And no matter how we’d all explained to him, we still can’t seem to, persuade this “stubborn elderly man before us”.

And so, as a psychiatrist, I was, called, to try and understand this elderly gent.  Thankfully, he’d not, scapegoated me, as I’d not, taken care of his wife regularly, it’s just, that for the over thirty minutes that we’d, sat, he’d constantly complained on the minor things in his home, his son, his daughter-in-law.

The son, heard like he’d done all that he could, to care for his aging father, in the morning, he’d come to the house, give him a lift to the hospital, but he’d grilled his own son as being “ill-mannered, like I can’t walk on my own, like I can’t, call a cab myself, what I need is RESPECT!  RESPECT!  Does he even KNOW how to write the word ‘respect’?” at suppertime, his daughter-in-law would prepare the meals, and serve the dishes to him on the tables, and he’d complained, “the foods cold, leaving them there, who would want to eat them?  And, that washing machine at home, why is it so difficult to manage.  So many buttons, why is it so troubling, I just want to wash my clothes………”

illustration from UDN.com

The son and daughter-in-law took care of the elderly man’s living conditions, but, his loss, rarely got, listened, to.  I’d tried to find the traces from his complaints—what is it, he’s trying to tell me, behind all of these, complaints?

And so, I’d, interjected, courteously, “it sounds, as though, your life’s a, mess of late?”

“Surely!  Seems that you’re, WAY more intelligent than the, rest of them!”

Seemed that I’d, hit that mark with him then.  He’d, given me a praise, from the perspective of an elder, and, talked down on the others at the same time.

“It’s like the original orders at home, all messed up, is it because grandma got sick and is hospitalized?”

After I’d inquired, he’d, told of how living became too hard, how messy, without his wife by his side.

I think, in his telling, he’d starting to realize just how important his own wife was to, him: “how did this happen, I’d originally thought, that being a big boss of a company, being so capable, managing a whole lot of people, I wouldn’t have any problems, managing my own life.  But, after I’d told you, back at home…it’d always been that my wife was my, sole caretaker, I don’t have her anymore, nothing’s right, I can’t, taste the foods I am consuming, anymore…………”, although his wife is still alive, but, his home, without  his wife living there, became, nothing like his, home.

Grieve Completely, is Only Way You Can Begin, Healing

I’d wanted to point out, that all of those complaints were, his, grief.

“So, maybe, it wasn’t the hospital nurses, the medical professionals who aren’t, taking good care of your wife, making you angry, it’s because you are worried, to provide the needed, the proper care to grandma, who’d taken good care of, you, and you’re already, having troubles, adapting to life, without, her then?”, in the sorrows, is this, deeply rooted love that’s, completely, entangled in this, couple that’s, too, ordinary, but, normally, he might not even, noted it.  And what he didn’t want to face, is currently, happening, and so, he could, only, strike first, that way, everybody would be, busy dealing with his complaints, and not one person can, tackle the real problem: that he needs to, start, dealing with the, inevitability of, losing, his own, wife.

“You’re absolutely, correct……I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, I’m too scared…I don’t know how I will, live without her……I feel bad also, that I’d not realized how important she’d been to, me, but, she’s already, almost, gone, there’s, no chance for me, to make it up to her.”

At this precise moment, all of the blames that were, originally, turned outward, started, turning, inward.  And he could finally admit, that his own, irrational behavior, was to cover up the sorrows, that he’d felt, of how he was, about to, lose his wife, that he didn’t know how to tell, those around, him.

and here’s the Kubler-Ross model of grief, from online

“I think, being able to tell of your own sorrows, of how you’d needed grandma, and the regrets you’d felt toward her, it’s nothing easy for you.  But from my perspective, being able to grieve properly, that’s, the start of healing.  And besides, you still have a chance, or maybe, your wife didn’t need you to make up for anything, she needed to know, that you know and appreciate what she’d given to your, family, so, take the chance, to tell it to her, while she’s still, alive!”

And so, this, is how the therapist offered an angle to the elderly man, that he couldn’t, see, being too trapped in the anger of his own wife’s, dying, and, this is the part of the, grieving process, that we all will, go through, when we lose someone or something that we loved dearly.  A very difficult to learn lesson, that we all must, learn quickly, otherwise, we will have, nothing but the, regrets!

After Curfew

How this instructor’s lending the student a helpful ear, to offer her the assistance, to assist this young woman in getting the help she needed, had made, all the, difference  in her life, translated…

The curfew of my dorm was from one at midnight to six in the morn, and as soon as the time comes, we get, locked down, and of course, traffic accidents, or things that came up abruptly won’t count.  It was past the curfew that night, I was about to call it a night, then my doorbell rang, a female classmate, looking pale, and sounded winded told me, “I’m sorry professor, to have called you up this late, but I am dizzy, and having a headache, I’m completely out of it, I need to get to the E.R.”

As a dorm super, what I’d hoped that I don’t encounter are these, midnight crises.  But, this student’s manners was, very well, and I’d immediately started up the S.O.P. of dealing with these sorts of emergencies.  “Why do you have a headache, do you know?”, finding the reasons, she’d not covered up, responded, “I’m on medication from the psychiatric department, and I’d had the side effects of headache, dizziness, and this time, it’s my body that feels, completely, limp.”  “It’s already this late, do you have someone to go with you?”, and, I’d calculated, that the female officers of the dormitories are already, asleep, that I am the only one she has, to take her to the hospitals.  “I’d already asked my classmate to go to the E.R. to sign me up, and there’s a classmate who’s waiting out by the front gates to take me to the hospital.”  “Okay, you’d handled that very well”.  And, I’d calculated, that because this wasn’t a solitary occurrence, it should be no problem, and I’d not forgotten to commend her on how well she’d, handled herself.

“Would you like me to wait up for you?”  Waiting up for someone who’s coming after curfew is no easy task.  “It’ll be too late, I’m worried it might impact your sleep, so after the E.R. visit, I shall go sleep at my classmate’s home”, such a courteous, and empathetic young woman, truly rare.  “Then, watch for safety on the roads, and, tell me the results of your checks.”  As I saw her off, I’d, started filling up the paperwork, and I’d gotten a text from her, “professor, I’m already done seeing the doctor and called my families, and after I’m done with the drips, I shall be staying overnight at my classmate’s”, so that was that, she’s at the hospital, and someone was there for her, and I’d felt better, and went to bed.

At eight in the morn the following, I saw her dressed up, readied to go out, I was surprised, and concerned, “why don’t you take a day off?  Where are you going this early?”, “to work, and I’m all right now, I’m sorry for the intrusions last night.”  She became very spirited and talkative today.  “Aren’t you going to take a day off work?”, and, in the words we’d exchanged, she’d told me that her mother had left home, and now, the household relied solely on her father’s measly wages, and, it was hard enough for him to make the pay to raise up her own younger siblings who are still in school.  “I’d taken out the student loans, and made my own allowances through part-time jobs”, although, she’d looked a bit, taken, but, she’d, expressed herself with that sturdiness, that bravery about her.

My heart went to this girl, don’t know why she’s on the medications from the psychiatric department?  And she’d, slowly let her guards down, told me, “I was once, sexually harassed.”, then she’d stopped talking, because this was a sensitive, personal matter, I’d, nodded, to show her that I’d understood, “I hope you can heal up soon, so you won’t need to rely on the medications anymore, if ever you need help, or just want to talk, my door is always open.”

Watching her leave, I’d thought of the yearly counseling seminar I’d signed up for, and the lecturers would always sum up at the very end, “the instructors at school can all become, counselors, taking actions in time, visiting with the students, to listen to them tell you what’s going on in their lives, all of these might be able to prevent something tragic that may occur.”

I’m truly glad, that I can, help this, young woman out.

So, this is how lending a helping hand made you realized, the importance of lending someone that needed ear, and, had this dorm supervisor just, brushed this young woman off, she may feel helpless, and, she may become, withdrawn, because, what she’d experienced, wasn’t, easy, getting sexually harassed in her past.