Getting Out from Postpartum Depression

Translated…

Upon hearing recently, that a woman committed suicide due to postpartum depression, after work, my husband inquired, if I’d felt okay lately?  If something’s up, I needed to let him know.

Compared to three years ago when my firstborn got here, my husband had metamorphosed from that self-centered big boy, into a man who puts his family first.  That year, my first child came, my husband’s “living life his way” made me feel so very helpless and alone, the “active participations” from my in-laws made me feel even MORE pressures; plus the economical burdens, I’d washed my face with my tears every single day.

Even after my month long recuperation is up, the anxieties, the self-mutilations, even the thought of taking my child with me to suicide, still circled around my mind again and again.  I’d told my husband of it, and, he’d blamed me for being too anal.  What’s most impressive was, when I’d told him I’d wanted to get professional medical help, he’d replied, “You should go to Africa instead, fighting to survive there every single day, that’ll keep your mind away from feeling depressed!”

Whether or not it was a joke, I’d still can’t believe, that someone who’d educated as he, a dentist, graduated from a public university, can say something so awful.  And, if my husband, who had medical trainings behaved as such, then, what trials must the other women who are also dealing with postpartum depression be faced with, would they be able to, receive the understandings of their separate families?

Thankfully, I have a supportive group of church friends, they’d helped take care of my child, took me to the free counseling sessions offered by the church; the counselor, after knowing my situation, encouraged me to see a professional.  In the seeing of the psychiatrist, I’d found, that other than the medications, the national health insurances also covered the talk therapy sessions as well.

Through the talking therapy session, I’d slowly felt better, learned to introspect and gotten some techniques to help me get along better with my husband.  From the three to four times fight a day, to one fight every three to four months, and now, we have two babies, and are expecting a third.  My friends joked about how intimate I must be getting with my husband, driving us to have so many children.  Yeah, certainly, compared to the postpartum depression experiences, we are now, interacting, so much better.  Postpartum depression may be a crisis of a marriage, but it can also be a chance, to better your interactions with your partners too.

And so, this woman worked, very hard, to get herself OUT of her own postpartum troubles, and, postpartum depression is still NOT a myth, you LOSERS, it’s real, and so, the next time your separate ladies start showing signs after they gave birth to YOUR young, DO show us some kindness!

You Can Give Up if You Want to…

You can give up if you want to, baby, I know it’s been hard, you’re a fighter, I know, but, I don’t want to see you fight anymore, because we’re fighting a war, with absolutely NO chance of us, winning it!

You can give up if you want to, don’t be so headstrong, child, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, and, surely, I will grieve, very hard, for you, but, that, is just how people deal with losses in their lives, they CRY, they MOURN for it, but, after a good cry, we still all must, get BACK up and run again.

You can give up if you want to, I know you’re a fighter, but, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore, so, just give up already, love.  You can give up if you want to, I won’t hold it against you, I know you love me, and I know that you know I love you too, and, I just can’t bear, seeing you slowly, deteriorate away, so, just let go, it’ll be okay, I promise………

You can give up if you want to, that doesn’t mean that you’d lost the fight, oh no, I will keep on, fighting, on your behalf, letting the world know your story, I will carry on everything you never got a chance to see and do, I will live on, and let the world know about you, so, you will NEVER be forgotten by anybody whose lives you’d touched.

Cussing His Cancer Friend Out, It’s Sparked the Will to Live in Him

Helping someone who’s in the same predicament out, translated…

After my eldest uncle died of stomach cancer, I feared that there’s the inherited genes, I’d gone to the hospital for a check up, and, I was in the third stage of stomach cancer.  I’d thought, that after the surgeries, I will be fine, but, I’d started, retaining water, so I’d had to have a bag connected to my bladder at all times, and I’d become, a “backpacker” ever since, and, the will to live had, slipped away from me, little, by little, I’d really wanted to, just DIE.

Because I’m a Christian, other than having my faith to help carry me through, I’d relied on other members of my congregation, as well as my wife, to help me through, it’d made me realize, just how much luckier I am, compared to some of those who fell ill.  After I’d realized just how lucky I truly am, I’d decided, to turn what I’d weathered through thus far, into something greater, I’d gone to volunteer at the hospital, helped others to regain their health back again, sometimes, I’d gone to volunteer during the mornings, and, gone through my chemo treatments in the afternoons, and, even though, my body felt awful, I’d never complained, my coworker said, that I was working really hard.

Being a volunteer is very meaningful, you can share what you went through, with those who are still, fighting hard, sharing with them, let them know, “if I can, so can you.”  One time, I’d met a person who’s ill, he’d lost his will to live, and kept hollering nonstop how he’d wanted to die, I’d gotten angry, grilled him, “You think that you can give up, at any time you wish?  That you can lose your life at anytime you want to?”

Life, is all about, battling, ‘til that final drop of blood drips from your body, then, winning and losing, is decided, if you want to win, then, you need to keep a healthy mind and body, through exercising, to keep the cancer from coming back.  After that patient who’s diagnosed with cancer had heard me, he was originally, in a state of NOT eating ANYTHING, that day, he’d had a hearty meal, and, made the decisions, to live out his life fully, however long it may be, and that, was the biggest gain for volunteering for me.

Knowing that your stories can help someone out, to help the person have a brand new perspective, it’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  And that, just shows, how easily you can affect someone, to help change a life, and, this person didn’t even make ANY monetary donations too, imagine THAT!

The Consequences of Your Goodbye

You DO realize, that goodbye have consequences, right???  Well, I’m living with, the consequences of your goodbye right now!

The consequences of your goodbye, it’d left me, heartbroken, I didn’t expect you to turn into one of my lost loves, but you had, and, when the Magic Wand was waved, and the spells said, everything shattered for me.

The consequences of your goodbye, too hard, to handle, I can’t cope, I feel the need, to find a hole somewhere, so I can crawl into it, and D-I-E, you’d left me, broken, and I don’t even know how, to start, picking up all those pieces, without getting cuts and gnashes on my hands.

The consequences of your goodbye, I’d weathered through it all, thought I would die, but, I was actually, STRONGER than I’d ever expected, cried too hard is the thing, gotten over you, bit by bit, little, by little, a day, at a time.

And now, after I’d weathered through, your goodbye (and there was still NOTHING good ‘bout it!), I know, that I’m stronger than before, and I’m glad, that you’d broken my heart!  And no, I’m still NOT P-S-Y-C-H-O here, ‘k???

Standing Idle, at the Intersection of Grief & Loss

I’m just waiting, for all of those “feelings”, to catch up to me…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, still waiting, waiting, to feel something, ANYTHING at all!  I’d waited, and waited, until the lights turned green…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I found myself, statuesque, unable to move, I’m too, petrified, to even move, an inch farther.  Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m still waiting, for either loss, or grief, to kick me on my behind.

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I don’t know what to do, I’m beside myself now, I’m too, overwhelmed, with all these awful emotions I want to run away from, but, I couldn’t, because, I knew, that they will eventually, catch up to me, and, there is, NO place, for me to run!

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m crying now, so very hard, I lost, ALL of my strengths, crying my eyes out, and, there’s no way, I can defend against, this influx of negative emotions…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m waiting, for either to catch on to me, but, I looked left, AND then, I looked right, there IS no sight, of either one of them, perhaps, they’d ditched me completely???

When My Cancer Came Back, I’d Learned, to Smile On Every Single Day

After the cancer was in remission for awhile, and, it’d come back again, translated…

This day, is the follow-up appointment of my chemotherapy.  While I’d waited, I was getting really bored, and I’d already, finished the book I took with me to the hospital, and so, I’d started, sliding on my cell.

“Ma’am, are you also here for cancer treatments?”, I’d heard a middle aged man sitting next to me asked, I’d smiled and nodded to him.  And, it seemed that he’d found someone, to pour his heart out to, he’d told me, that he’d taken his mother to the doctors every single week, his mother had cancer in her pancreas, the tumor was about 3.5 centimeters in size, and had already metastasized, and because his mother was in her eighties, the doctors didn’t approve her for the operations, and the target medications are not as effective either, so, they’d treated the cancer passively.  The elderly woman seemed to know a little bit about her conditions, it’s just that being her son, he felt very awful, and he’d asked me, how I was able to cope with my cancer with this sense of comfort and optimism?

I’d told him, it’s been five years since I first got diagnosed, and this time, it had come back again, but because I feel NO fears toward death, that, was how I was able to deal with it so positively, and I’d practiced positive thinking regularly: the heavens made me get diagnosed with cancer, not for the sake of punishing me, but wanted me to learn to love and treat myself well.  After I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d changed my bad eating habits, and the bad lifestyle I’d taken up from before, and, I’d stopped pursuing perfection endlessly.

I’d told him, “Compared to the traffic accidents, cancer is a better way to go, it’d allowed us to make arrangements ahead of times.  If there are only a limited number of days left, while you can still move around, go out to see the world, and eat whatever you wish.  Why not ask your elder if there are unfinished businesses that she’d wanted to achieve or accomplish?  Including apologizing for whatever, showing gratitude toward someone, perhaps, along with saying farewell to the ones she loved.”

I’d heard the nurses called out my number now, before I’d entered the doctor’s office, I’d told the man, “Illness is like the sun, it will shine on us all equally.  And, if we can’t avoid death completely, then, we should, smile on every single day, one can live a happy AND fulfilled life, with cancer too.”

And so, this, is how the person sees cancer right now, but, she must’ve gone through ALL the phases of loss, the denials, the bargaining, etc., etc., etc., and this time, it’s a second time around, and so, she’d had the previous experiences of being treated, and, she’d gained a positive view toward being diagnosed with cancer, and, she shares her experience, with someone who is troubled by the same things she once was, in hopes, that it can help this man, see the light too.

The Hurt Goes on, with Every Tear Shed

So, you think, that crying is the way, for you, to heal your wounds???  Think AGAIN!!!

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and this had become, really confusing to me, ‘cuz I’d been told, that after you’d cried, you won’t feel the hurt no more (and your point being???).  The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and, the more you cry, the more you’re, reminded, of what he’d done, to hurt you.

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, because you hadn’t mourned for the loss completely yet, but, one day, you’ll be completely finished, and, you’ll look back, and see, that the tears shed, were not, for naught, that although you’d stained your pillows so many nights, they’d actually, helped you move on, eventually.

Now, this, is a very slow-occurring process, and, there’s NO way you can possibly hurry it along, so, all you can do, is to just, BEAR with it!

The hurt goes on, with every tear shed, and no, it still won’t get better, not just yet, you have to first, mourn for the betrayals of that lost love, and, if that’s not painful enough in itself, you still must deal with everything else that’s going on, outside of you, and, when you can finally, juggle everything, and NOT drop a single item, then, you’re well on your way, to healing, and no, you’re still not, quite healed up completely yet though…