Because You Don’t Want to Die Alone…

Because you don’t want to die alone, seeing how, nobody WANTS to be alone, when they’re, still alive, why would anybody want to die, all alone on her/his own?  Because you don’t want to die alone, you’d started, imposing your imminent death onto someone you knew from long ago, and that person, was the only one, that you’d known, who’d, come to, your beck and call.

And because s/he allows you to control her/him like that, you’d, started taking advantage of the fact of how s/he couldn’t, turn you down or away.  Unbeknownst, you’d, started, using manipulative ways, to control the other person.  Because you don’t want to die alone, but, you know what, EVERYBODY dies alone, nobody (not even G-O-D) can help you through the passage from life TO death!

Because you don’t want to die alone, such, a selfish motive, still, you’d, used it, as a VALID excuse, a form of, rationalization, of how and why people, should treat you kind, because you’re dying, therefore, you DESERVED to be shown, some extra kindness, right???  WRONG!!!

Because you don’t want to die alone, well, when I die, I’d much rather be, alone, on my own, and, someone will find me, a little while, AFTER I’m dead and gone, and follow everything I would’ve, specified, in my will, to handle MY final affairs…

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Learning to Let Go from Saying Goodbye, to Be a Man of High-Quality

On the last rites, the final rites of one’s passage, translated…

I’d gone to two funerals of my high school classmates in these past few months, and, at the funeral, the collages of their lives were played.

Those old scenes all came back to me, I’d thought about the laughter, the sorrows, the ups and downs of life we’d shared, our friendships which were kept, I couldn’t help but start crying hard! And, in the three, or five-minute short film, it’d, told of the stories of their over fifty years of life, and this was, saying goodbye to life.

We are all, staying afloat in this sea of mirage, and we’d felt, that cold chill! In this mirage of a life, we’d gone to the funerals, and we were often, impacted by the mixtures of emotions. Looking at others, then, thinking about ourselves, our whole life is a huge lesson in learning to say goodbye, and the hardest part of it all, is learning to say goodbye to ourselves, to say farewell to the youth that’s slowly going away, to wave goodbye at the beautiful faces that time had, sculpted, to say farewell, to those whom we loved and cared dearly, our families, to say farewell, to all our meaningless pursuits of fame and fortune…to bid farewell, to everything earthly. Life is learning to let go!

As I’m about to become Buddha! My funeral, I’d wanted to be like how the Buddhist Master, Shen-Yen’s making myself into a better person.

Before I go, I shall, have that slight smile, and with a heart of gratitude, for everything that’s happened in life to me; before I go, I hope that my loved ones, friends, families, and relatives can, use the Buddhist chants, to help my soul return to the West. As for the rituals, I’d wanted everything to be simplified, I shall become nothing but mud, to become the guardians of the flowers.

And so, this is, what life is reduced to, when we all die, we’d become, NOTHING, it’s what we did whilst we were still living, that will, hopefully, get remembered, it’s the lives we managed to touch when we were still on earth, that will keep on flowing, even after we’re gone, and, like this person, just keep everything simplified, because, there’s NO need, to have a flashy funeral, because you’re, already D-E-A-D, and you should NOT care who shows up at your funeral, besides, why would it matter to you? You’re, no longer “here” (on this PLANET???)………

What? I’m Korean!

Finding out why, and, letting go of that feeling of being betrayed, realizing, that what the adults in your life did, was what they thought was, best for you, translated…

Ever since I could recall, I’d lived alone, with my mother in Korea, we’d never spent, a day apart. Later, I’d come to Taiwan to study, to marry, to have children, and settled down in Taipei, with my mother there, by my side. But, shortly after she passed, my former classmates from Korea sent me a weird news: there were, a couple of Koreans who were, desperately, searching for me, and claimed that they were, my relatives.

How’s that possible? Am I, zoomed in, by the international scam artists?

From before when there was only a small circle of Asians we’d associated ourselves with, there’s, that invisible sense of pride from being Chinese, that was, that sense of superiority of being Chinese, not wanting to be with the Koreans, we were, living, on someone else’s land, but felt, that they were, second class citizens. This weird belief, showed the most when someone is arguing with an Asian person, when we only needed to blurt out, “You looked like a Korean!”, it was, the biggest sort of insult to the individual, and, the person you’re arguing with will totally get outraged when you’d called them that.

like this family???  Photo from online…

Growing up in this sort of an atmosphere, I’d only begged to pass the Korean language exams, and, every other course in high school, I’d made straight A’s, only Korean, I’d scored toward the bottom; and, my communication abilities was just enough, for me to use when I go shopping in the marketplaces.

When the Korean who’d come met me to show me he was related to me, he’d provided the adoption papers, and photos of me as a young child, mailed everything to me, and, all of those, “evidences” proved, that I was, a Korean, heads down!

Isn’t it outrageous, thinking that I was, Chinese all along, and then, I turned out to be, Korean? This was, the biggest kind of irony. I refused to admit that I was, Korean, I hated that classmate who’d, exposed me for who I was, and I’d, hated my birthmother, for giving me up for adoption.

After six months’ worth of struggles, my second eldest sister kept making those international calls to care for me, and, repeatedly, sent the presents to my husband and my two children, and my heart finally, started, to disarm itself, and finally agreed to, meet with them.

In the city of Suwon, I’d finally, met my five sisters and my younger brother. All these middle-aged uncles and aunts, as they’d, described of the hardship and trials they’d weathered through in life, I’d not heard a single word of complaint, their persistence, optimism, passion, comparing to my own prejudices, my aloofness, my dissatisfactions, made me so ashamed I wanted to find a hole to hide in.

What right had I, to hold my prejudices against Koreans? And, why can’t I understand, the pains and hardships my mother who’d carried me for ten whole months, and know how trying it must’ve been, for her, to give me up for adoption? Had it been not my birthfather’s death when he was way too young, had it not been my mother being too young, and needed to remarry, had it not been for my second eldest sister crying for one whole weeks at my adopted mother’s home, and got “returned”, and I got sent up for adoption, my fate would’ve been, so totally, different, how could I have gotten to live as an only child, cherished, sent to Taiwan for my college years, to become a teacher, to meet a good man, and marry and have children.

or this???  Photo from online…

And now, both my mothers had passed, but the love they had for me, was enough, to last me, my whole life. Toward my birthmother, other than being grateful, there’s, that extra understanding; for my adoptive mother, other than, being grateful, there’s that sense of, missing her forever!

And so, it’s all due to fate, that this had, happened, and, back when you were a child, you may not understand WHY it was, that you were, given up for adoption, and perhaps, you’d carried the resentments toward your birthparents, for giving you up, and your adoptive parents, to keeping the truth from you, but, as you got older, and started your own family, you’d, realized, that given the situations of your past, all those adults did what they thought was, best for you, and, you’d become, grateful, for having everything that you have in life…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watching You Leave, the Thoughts of a Mother

Translated…

On Sunday evening, my daughter with her huge backpack, is headed to her grandparents’ house, I’d sent her off by the door, and, nagged on how she’d not put her shoes on right, she’d mumbled back, “I’ll put it on properly in the elevator!”, I’d insisted that she was to, put her shoes on properly before she leaves, she’d, bent down, redid her laces with that unwillingness, and, I’d had, a few extra seconds, to stare at her.

Since a decade ago, my spouse’s name was stricken off my national identification card, I’d lost the days of accompanying her by the day, and only on the weekends, did we get time together to share. Every Friday evening, I’d, rushed off work, road across the city, to a kindergarten, to pick her up and, my daughter curled underneath the lamplight of the kindergarten, with her accompanying bunny, and, her eyes and smiles, turned into the stars in the skies the moment she saw me. Several years passed by, it’s now, that young woman who’d taken the MRT, the bus, to my place.

As the elevator headed downstairs slowly, I’d calculated the timing just right, went to the lanai to look, the red-topped bus slowly came close, and stopped, right underneath the bus stop; my daughter was sitting in it, her huge white backpack on her legs, with her eyes, staring up ahead, lips slightly curled upward. The autumn sun was eye catching, and, being able to travel on her own makes her excited.

Very long ago, I too, watched the bus as it sped off into the distance, imagined my own sunny and bright futures too, filled with a ton of dreams, embracing the impossibilities of life. back then, I’d never imagined, that in an unknown corner, there it was, my mother, with her tears, staring at the direction I left in.

And now, I’d become, an adolescent’s mother too, and, the once-a-week that we’d met, was what was left for me to take with in this richness of her youthfulness, but, became an aging life’s extravagance. The social media, the pop music, the trending novels, there is, no boundaries, in the world of a teenage girl, and all I could do, was smile by her side and accompany her, but I’d still, cherished the time we spent together.

not my photo…

I know, that one day, she will eventually own her own universe, write her own stories, and that I can’t, keep her all to myself. That mother was only a caretaker when she was younger, but not the one who’d owned her for this life, when she has the ability, to spread her wings and fly, or resting, on that tree on her own, she wouldn’t allow me to groom her, to smooth her feathers anymore, just as back then I’d left my own home too, although I’d bumped and fell, I’d never turned back toward my mother, and ask her to give me a hand.

And still, not butting into her life doesn’t mean that she’s not occupying my mind. After I’d lived alone for a bit, I read the words my mother wrote, “You will always be my child.”, no matter how bad life got, how awful living is, the mother will always recognize her own young; no matter how far you fly, the mother’s gazes will always be like that string connecting to the kite, glued, to the child’s body, hung there, not pulling the child down, close knit, but never broken off.

Right now, the bus my daughter rode is probably at the MRT station now. She’d, scanned her pass, and standing inside the trains, her feet, tapping to the music, reading through her book, an hour later, she will, arrive at her destination, happy, and safe and sound.

The thoughts of a mother, she’d watched her child come and go, from her place back to her husband’s home, and, she knew, that she needed to, let her daughter go, and the child is growing into a beautiful woman, and, she felt sad, because of how her daughter will eventually, spread her wings and fly, but that’s a part of what parents must face, because children WILL grow up, whether or NOT we want them to!!!

You Can Give Up if You Want to…

You can give up if you want to, baby, I know it’s been hard, you’re a fighter, I know, but, I don’t want to see you fight anymore, because we’re fighting a war, with absolutely NO chance of us, winning it!

You can give up if you want to, don’t be so headstrong, child, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, and, surely, I will grieve, very hard, for you, but, that, is just how people deal with losses in their lives, they CRY, they MOURN for it, but, after a good cry, we still all must, get BACK up and run again.

You can give up if you want to, I know you’re a fighter, but, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore, so, just give up already, love.  You can give up if you want to, I won’t hold it against you, I know you love me, and I know that you know I love you too, and, I just can’t bear, seeing you slowly, deteriorate away, so, just let go, it’ll be okay, I promise………

You can give up if you want to, that doesn’t mean that you’d lost the fight, oh no, I will keep on, fighting, on your behalf, letting the world know your story, I will carry on everything you never got a chance to see and do, I will live on, and let the world know about you, so, you will NEVER be forgotten by anybody whose lives you’d touched.

When the Child Wants to Go to School without Her Parents’ Company

The kid is declaring HER independence, the FIRST step, translated…

Q: Ming-Ming in the fifth grade no longer wanted her mom to pick her up and drop her off at school anymore…

Although there’s no problem with the safety in Taiwan, but, there would still be instances where children are kidnapped.  There was a construction site nearby, and, a ton of different people go in and out of the area, Mrs. Huang worries for her daughter, Ming-Ming’s safety as she goes out, so, even if Ming-Ming is already in the fifth grade, she’d still picked her up to and from school, as well as taking her daughter to the cram schools, to this date, the mother had never allowed Ming-Ming to fly solo.  But, recently, Ming-Ming started stating how she wanted to head out by herself, and, Mrs. Huang knew that one day, she will have to let her daughter fly solo, but, she’s confused, at when is the right time, for her to let go.

A Not About Independence, But, One Day, the Parents Must Let Go

The CEO of the Professional Development Center for Growth, the elementary school instructor, Lee, from Bei-Hsin Elementary School, pointed out, that now, the families are having less and less children, most of the families only had one child, and, the parents hovered over them, feared that there would be issues of traffic and safety, and the rates of parents picking the kids up to and from school are higher, compared to the past years.

The Distance Mattered

The observations of parents chauffeuring the kids to and from school, and, one would notice, that in the first and second grades, it’s very normal, but, by the time the kids get to third or fourth grades, they can already walk to school on their own.  But, all the families are different, there are kids who are in college, and still gets taken to and from school by the parents.

Lee stated, that sometimes the parents picking the kids up has nothing to do with whether or not the children ARE independent, instead, it has more to do with the distance between home and school.  She’d sated, that there are small schools in the city of Taipei, most are close to the homes of the students, it would take a short walk to get to school, the parents would naturally, feel securer, to let the kids go to school on their own; but, not in the city of Hsinbei, the schools are huge, and, far from the homes, and, it may take up to twenty minutes for the kids to get to the schools, the parents didn’t want the kids to tire out, and would rather ride their motorcycles, to chauffeur their kids to school, and, there are other cities and counties, with this sort of trend too.

Cherished the Time They Shared in the Car

The parenting expert, Mom Mee said, that from before when they lived in Tainan, there is a long distance between her home and the kids’ schools, she’d played classical music in her car on the way to school, so the kids could feel soothed, she’d utilized the time they shared in the car, to carry on in conversations with her young.  To her, as the children grow older, the time they have with each other became less and less, she’d cherished this time together, and, enjoyed it too, the kids also felt very happy, and, became expectant when she’d picked them up.

Mom Mee said, if as the parents picked up the kids, they’d started nagging about homework, or kept ranting, the children may become defiant toward that, and she’d suggested that as parents picked up the kids, they should communicate with their young.

Mom Mee said, some of the kids would want the parents to pick them up all the time, but, when the kids wanted to strike out on their own, the parents can let go slowly, to let the kids fly solo for a short while, to try it for a couple of days first, then, decide whether or not the kids are fitting, to go farther on their own.

Not Letting the Child be Alone on Her/His Own

Mom Mee and Ya-Jing Lee both pointed out, that when the kids entered into the middle school, they’d become insistent on going to school on their own, and not wanting the parents to pick them up anymore.  Mom Mee said, the children in the teenage years cared a lot about what their peers say about them, seeing how the other classmates could go to and from school on their own, but, the parents are still picking them up to and fro, the children would not like it.

When her child was in the fifth grade, the other kids of her class started asking her to walk to and from school together as a group, she’d also let go, but, every family IS different, and, letting go is reliant on the parents’ and the kids’ attitude, as well as the distance from the school to the homes.

One day, the parents WILL let go.  Lee said, that if you’re allowing your child to go to and from school on her/his own, do remember, to remind the children not to be alone, the parents can take the kids on the paths a couple of times, to understand the traffic conditions, and pick the routes, and, remind the kids to watch the traffic as they cross the roads, if someone is stalking the children, they can duck out in the shops close to the schools, if someone asks the child for directions, the child only needed to point the way, and not lead the stranger to where s/he wanted to head to.

This, is What You Can Do…Tell Your Worries to Your Children

Mrs. Huang drops off and picks up Ming-Ming to and from school, but, Ming-Ming said she wanted to go on her own, Mrs. Huang could use empathy, to explain her own worries to her daughter, because the roads near her house is under construction, she’s more worried about the traffic, so, that, is why she’ll be taking Ming-Ming to school, and, she can also emphasize to Ming-Ming, that if she heads out on her own, she must watch the roads.

Mrs. Huang, if she is to let Ming-Ming go to and from school on her own, she must watch for her own safety, as well as the traffic.

If Mrs. Huang wanted to let Ming-Ming go to school on her own, she could drop her off close to the school first, let her daughter walk the shorter way, then, after Ming-Ming learns to watch out for herself, then, let go.

And so, we have, worrisome parents, who are unwilling to let the child go, and, the child wanted to go, which signifies that she wanted her own independence, and the mother here, is having troubles, letting go, and, it is NOT about independence at all, it’s about the parents’ inabilities to let their kids go.

An Overly Active Child Became Calmer Because of Reading

The experiences of life, from someone, translated…

My son had always been hyperactive when he was younger, and would not head to bed, until, he’d drained himself of ALL his energies completely every single night, I, being his primary caretaker, often felt too tired to chase him around.

When my child was around two when he’d learned to talk, whenever I’d had the time, I’d sat him on my lap, held on to his fingers, picked up the picture books, and, as he’d pointed to each of the Chinese characters, I’d read it aloud to him, sometimes, when he was playing with his toys, I’d read to him too.  Even though, he didn’t seem like he was listening, but, his brain had become a sponge, and started soaking up the things I’d read to him already.

Once, I’d told my son, “Jun-Yi, go wash your hands.”  He’d replied, “Clean up the hands, so I can cook”, it was so shocking to me.  Ever since, the child who couldn’t recognize the characters can read the words aloud, while flipping through the picture books.

As my child was in his last year of kindergarten, I’d subscribed to the “Chinese Weekly”, and, my son slowly used the phonetic spellings to read, and after he’d read, he’d shared with me the stories, and the comics he’d thumbed across.  When he’d entered into the first grade, I’d changed the subscriptions to “Chinese Daily Papers for the Children”, my son could now, read, independently, with the phonetic spellings now.  In the second grade, he became taken with “Journey to the West”, and, modeled the Monkey King as if he WERE the Monkey King; in the third grade, he was taken with the Warring Nations, read a ton of the varied versions of the tale, but, he’d still read it for pure enjoyment, once, I’d asked him, if we could give the books he’d read away to someone else?  He’d firmly answered, “NO, I’m saving these books for my own kids.”

This overly active child, rather than reading the books for fun, still didn’t focus his mind on his homework assignments, and, in school, while he was sitting in class, his mind was somewhere else, in the stories he’d read already.  Acted up in class, wanted all the attention of others, he’d become the main characters of the stories he’d read, to the point that he was seemingly possessed by the stories, he was, the top problematic student of his class.  There was nothing else I can do, but to transfer him to another school, and start taking him to school daily, without his playmates, it’d given this child with difficulties concentrating a cleared learning environment.

My child was a changed kid in this brand new environment, everything started from zero.  He is now, the teacher’s little helper, the smart child in all of his classmates’ views, and, took up the role of the cleaning master and cultural education helper of his class, compared to the problematic student he was, it’s like he’d become, TWO different persons.

Now my child is in the higher grades of the elementary years, he still doesn’t have any afterschool program, every day after school as he’d come home, he’d done his homework, then, worked on his workbooks, he’d insisted on reading the papers still, and, I’d allowed the newspaper articles to turn into another way of education for him, and, we’d have discussions of what he’d read.  Although he’s only midrange in his class in the matter of grades, but, having the good habits of reading daily had helped him become a well-rounded student who knows a LOT outside of the textbooks, and, his character made up for his not doing well on his tests too.

And from this, you can still see how IMPORTANT reading is, it’d helped this kid who was disruptive, who was overactive calm down, and, it’d helped enriched his knowledge base, and, this mom started her child on the reading track, when he was just two years old, by reading the books to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Life Happens by Fate, NOT by Choice

This, is how those unwanted pregnancies never got aborted…

When life happens by fate, not by choice, what, am I supposed to do, with this life I got, that’s not my choosing, I kept, running ‘round in circles, nonstop, bumping into those god DAMN dead-ends without the answer I’d sought after so many times.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, well, you don’t have a choice, you’re already OUTSIDE (of your mothers’ bodies!!!), and, you got NO other option, but to live this life, that’s endowed to you.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, but, life DOES happen by fate, and NOT choice, you didn’t choose, to be BROUGHT into this world, at the time when you were born, it wasn’t, up to you to decide, and, all you could do, was to, live with the SELFISH consequences of your god DAMN parents’ unprotected FUCK!

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, you may think, that you have a choice in everything you do, but you don’t, as everything’s already LAIN out, and, those so-called choices you’re misled into believing that were up to you to decide?  They’re really, actually NOT, it’d been decided, SINCE the moment you were born, and, how is it that I’d come to know all of this?  Let’s still just say, that I KNOW everything, as I had become, a MISS-KNOW-IT-ALL, since 2008, and, I did die, back in ’08, and still, I’d, “bounced” RIGHT back to life, after that final decapitation I’d endured…