Can I Try it Out Myself?

What the mother learned, of her self, of her child’s growing up, willing to take the risk, and the responsibilities for her own, actions, translated…

“May I try it?”, my fourteen-year-old daughter pleaded with me.

I’d stopped the second wave of attacks, held my tongue, based off of my teaching experiences of twenty years, and the thousands of students I’d observed.  At this time, she is telling me what she actually feels, but, am I hearing her loud and clear, trying to change her mind?

My daughter wanted to add two more activities of piano accompaniment in her church youth group activities aside from the regular scheduled I’d set up for her for the cram school sessions and the extra talent classes.  But she’d not played for many years, and she may need the extra time to get to her original level of playing skills, while in her academic, she’s the kind that needed to study step-by-step to see the results of her hard work, she couldn’t even have enough sleep regularly, and, thinking about her health, as her mom, blocking this voluntary activity for her, I’m just in it, besides, I’m sure, that more opportunities like this one will present themselves to her in the future.

“Let me just try it, okay?”, yeah, why can’t I, just allow her to?  Why am I worried that she might not be able to, handle it?  Do I trust her enough?  Didn’t we encourage our own young, “you need to try it first”, she’d not yet begun, and so, how can I possibly, set up the outcomes FOR her then?

Did I respect her decision?  If she was willing to take full responsibility for her own actions, then, what right have I, to ban her from it?  Didn’t I raise an independently thinking, responsible for herself child?  She’s so brave already, in after assessing her situations, she was still willing to take on the challenges, why can’t I support her?  Am I afraid, that other than her being too tired, she might not manage?  And, didn’t we tell, that “defeats are what makes you a little closer to success the next time”?  Why must I, strip her of her chances of trying it, to deprive her of getting what she may need to success?

In the parenting expert’ book, “Is Letting Children be Harder than Having to Discipline Them?”, the reasoning is quite easy to understand, and yet, this wasn’t from the textbooks, but the accumulation of wisdom that came with the years.  Every lesson in parenthood is quite easy to understand, but if we don’t think on it, and introspect ourselves, then, we’d gone, in the, exact opposite directions.

My child was willing to try it, that’s a show of her courage and self-confidence.  Willing to share her thoughts with me, showed that she’d trusted me in our interactions.  Wanted my consent, because she respected my opinions on the matters, so naturally, I’d needed to, support her decisions, to be her, strong backup support system.  Giving her praises for her willing to put in the time, for her sense of responsibility, and, wish that she’d gained something positive from the experiences.

As for me, I should feel grateful for her expressing herself to me, to help me know my own shortcomings as her mother, to mature, as parents, we really, have a, lot to learn still.

And so, this is how this kid teaches her mother, about letting go, it’s the child’s life, she should be allowed to choose what she wanted to do, and, if she thinks she’s up for the challenges, then, why shouldn’t the parents support her on it?

But, most parents here, are with the academic-track mind, zooming in on the grades, the percentile scores of the exams, that they forgot, that they’re not the ones, who will be taking responsibilities for living their own children’s, lives.

Adrift, a Poem

How hard it is, to, leave it all behind, everything that’s, happened, in our lives, too hard to, let go, a poem, translated…

You can Choose Sorrows

Floating Along that River

Get into, the Hard-to-Handle

You Can, Participate in the Secrets of the Sun

That Celebration of Midnight that Goes on

In the City

breaking the hold that the past has on us…photo from online

Naturally, Climbing Upward

Finding that the Buildings All Around You

Grew Taller as You’d Climbed Higher, and Higher

You Entered that Marketplace

Where People Made the Sounds of the Sunlight Loud:

With the Postcards of Barcelona,

The Handcrafted Gadgets with that Foreign Feel to Them

And that Young Lady Who’d Handed You, a Piece of Candy

All the Times Froze, Halted, Right at This, Very, Moment.

Halted at the Moment You’d Heard the Breaths of the Oceans

As You’d Walked Next to the Waves that Rolled in

Pulling out that Pathway Home to You

Wave after Wave after Wave

Time is a Stream, that Carelessly, Got Lost, in the Streams that Flowed Along

You Can, Choose Your Own Path

Be With Your Selves

Severing the Rain and the Fog, Severing the Tribe too

That Held You Tightly, in Its, Embrace

The Days Closest

Stiffened, & Cold Now

You Can, Put it Back Where You’d Found it

Like How that Friend of Yours

The News of His Lifting Off

On that, Rocket

This is on, leaving it all behind, the past, everything that’s, happened to us, but, this is, next to, impossible, because all these moments of our pasts, are what made us, into, who we, currently are, and, there’s just, NO way we can, be rid of that, no matter how hard we try, we can run, but we will, NEVER, EVER, escape from it.

Setting Out, on My Own!

As the children grows up, the nest will become, empty soon, and, how are you going to adjust, what will you do, with all that, time???  Translated…

Since school stopped holding the sessions this May due to the outbreaks, other than reducing the times I had to go outside, life is slowly, getting back to normal now, but, my first-year middle school age daughter and my fifth grade son seemed to have gotten used to the comforts of having air-conditioning on full blast, settled in, and on the weekends and holidays, they’d no longer longed to go outside, to get some, fresh air.

from this…

mouths to feed, babies to take care of…photo from online

The Sunday morning after the Mid-Autumn Festival long weekend, the gently autumn sun with the light breeze, how I’d, missed those smiles on their faces as I took them out to run outside, I’d suggested that we should go to the beaches of Gongliao to see the oceans, and to see the sand sculpting festivities.  My first-year-middle school daughter, just as I’d expected, turned me down, my fifth-grade son, due to his love of outdoor activities, and his willingly to go along with me, and so, we’d gotten that mother-son-trip to the oceans.

That day was blissful, the sand sculptures were, amazing, my son chased the waves, and got chased by the waves, and under that blue skies, that smile I longed to see on his face finally, returned.  I’d thought of how Mr. Shih, Uncle Leisure-Living told in an interview, that the children in the elementary, middle school, and high school years at home, are like the seasons of summer, autumn, and winter, by the time they get into college, then, it’s, springtime!  He’s referring to how the kids, in their different levels of schools, with the pressures of scholastic, they’d, naturally, adjusted their own participation rates of the activities we do at home.

Being married later, before I married, I’d always gone out with my coworkers, my classmates to the trips; after I had my children, we’d gone out as a family (and I’m more than certain, that my husband in taking us out, was more out of that sense of responsibilities, and duty than having the fun time); as I’m about to enter into my fifties, with the coming of age of my children, I’ think, I shall start, getting used to following my former classmates, my coworkers out on the adventures again, or maybe, I can, set out, on my own too.  Like, “the mountain is the mountain, the mountain, doesn’t look quite like the mountain, the mountain seemed like the mountain”, the three stages, my going off will transfer from alone, no longer on my own, and back to, on my own, again!

to this…

photo from online

And so, with the coming of age of children, they will, eventually, leave the nest, and then, it’s just, you and your husband, and, because the two of you don’t share the same interests, you have no other choice, but to find your own adventures, and, by this way of thought, you already, had your empty nest stage of life, planned out.

A Brighter, Ordinary, Day, a Poem

What’s, left, behind, translated…

The Wavelength that Passed Through the Collar of the Asteroid Belt of the Aging Dog of the Astronomer

The Blue Whale’s Lowered Whispers with the Trashed Submarine

Gave the Bay a Glow

I Lifted My Head up to the Darkness

Who Was it

That Forgot, to Turn the Lights within Our Bodies, Off

On the Shoulders of the General

That Invisible Kitty, Pounced on the Firing Squad from Before He Was, Still, Living

(The Songs of Sorrows from the Beginning

The Assets Immaterial in the Very End)

These Stanzas of the Poems, Shall Get Beyond What’s Been Destroyed Between You & Me, Sailing, All the Way, into, the, Skies

And so, this is on what’s left, after everything go, BOOM!  What remained, of the love, of the life that’s, gone, what is taken from the examples of these lives, lived………

Her Final Passage, into, the “Unknown”…

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, she’d, always, FEARED it, since she was, way too young to recall.  She’d been, intrigued by, and at the same time, fearful of, death…

Her finally passage, into, the “unknown”, she hadn’t been, a person of faith at all, surely, she was, taken to church, christened as a baby, and, her parents took her every weekend to the sermons.  But it wasn’t until she was, faced with the threats of death, did she, start, trying to find something to believe, desperately.

She’d, feared death, what was to come afterwards, how she was to, die toward the end of her own life, these things, plagued her mind, and she’d, looked high, and low, for the answers, but, still hadn’t found one that, satisfied her completely.

Her final passage, into the “unknown”, she’d now come, face-to-face, with the threats of death, she’s, older and frail, with her mind, getting away from her, little, by little, each and every day.  And, she’d, regressed back to her infancy state, becoming, completely, reliant, on someone else to take care of her, to provide for her what she’d needed to, continue in life now.

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, it’d been, written down in permanent INK the moment she was born, and, in her old age, she’s only, starting, to realize, that there’s, nothing she needed to, worry herself over, because, fate is, going to, take care of, everything FOR her.

Everything’s been, set, all she has to do, is to continue walking down the paths of life, until the end, however faraway that is from where she currently is…

A Woman Spied on Her Husband Who was Having an Affair, Followed Him from Taichung to Fujian, Case Solved

Women are great private investigators when it comes to things like this that’s for sure, as this loser still attempted to WEASEL, and he was unsuccessful, because his WIFE is, too intelligent!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

A woman, Chen found it odd, that her husband often went to China, once she’d followed him there on the ships, and forced him to admit, “I have another woman, with kids” I needed to deal with; she’d wanted to just turn a blind eye, but as her husband had the webcam chats with the other woman in front of her, she got furious, sold the land, and pressed charged against him.  Although Chen’s husband told, that “I’d admitted to having another woman to get under her skin”, but the courts used the voice recording files, and mandated that he needed to pay his wife $300,000N.T. for the emotional distresses.

In 2018, Chen found her husband had gone to China quite frequently, and every time he’d not told her he was going off, and took a ton of cash away, she’d started suspecting that he had another woman in China.

At noon on August 19^th, Chen found her husband, after waking up, rushed in the shower, and headed off in a hurry, she’d asked, “Where are you going?”, he’d, dodged answering her, and told her to butt out, then, rushed off.  She’d shockingly thought, that he may be off to China again, and checked and found her husband’s passport gone, decided to follow behind him.

As Chen took her passport to the Port of Taichung, bought the fare, and she’d found her husband for sure; he’d refused to tell her why he was heading over to China, she’d decided to tag along behind him, followed him to Fujian, as they reached shore, her husband told her, “I’m with someone else in China, I have a child too, I need to take care of it.”, asked her to give him time so he can, try to get rid of the child, and take care of the other woman.

Chen was forced to accept it as a fact, but cherished her marriage too, decided to give her husband a second chance. But, she’d found that he’d gone to China again, to cohabit with the other woman, and had webcam conferences with the other woman with her right there, she’d decided that she was done with forgiveness, sold off the land that her husband gave to her as a gift, and sued him for encroachment, and demanded that he paid her in court.

Her husband claimed, that during the time he was away in China, she took up with another man, after they couldn’t communicate, to get his wife angered, that was why he’d lied about how he was having another woman too, but he didn’t.  He said, that he’d lied about the other woman a long, long, long time, that his wife was suing, to cover up the fact that she wanted the assets left by his families to him, to divert the attention.

But the judge reviewed over the voice files provided by Chen and found Chen stated, “it’s you!  You’re the one taking up with another, and have a child too, and you asked me to prove my faithfulness to you, how do you plan to handle this?”  Her husband answered, “I will deal with the other woman.”  Chen stated, “You have another woman”, and he’d stated, “I’d already, broken it off with her…………”, and based off of that, the judge believed that the infringement claims were, true.

And this still showed???  Oh yeah, we women keep on forgiving, and forgetting, while you MOTHER @$!%ERS keep on humping around, with your whores, and now you have an illegitimate child, you still ask us to put up with your FUCKED (don’t pardon me here!) up ways?  And we’re all what?  Just supposed to look the other way, and feel blessed that you LOSERS still come crawling back?  Well, I got NEWS for you FUCKERS (don’t pardon!): we won’t, because we’re all done, forgiving, and we will, NEVER forget, as in, E-V-E-R.  Not in this sort of a serious betrayal.

What is Taken Away from Your Education?

Lessons we learned, from school, from our own, experiences in life, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Recently I’d made the speeches at the schools, as the speech ended, a parent led two children to before me.  “Professor, I was your student, do you still remember me?”  This was every instructor’s nightmare, I’d, worked really hard, to think back on all the students, and just, couldn’t, recall her name; but I’d still smiled and told her, “let me think!”, as she’d heard me say this, her smile did not fade, she’s not, disappointed one bit, but her second-grade daughter looked up at her innocently, “Mom, your teacher can’t remember you!”

I felt very awkward after hearing, before I could reply, she’d immediately told her child, “Do you know how many students the professor’s had?  How can she remember every one, but, so long as I remember her!”, then, she’d, started speaking of her middle school careers, that with the problems she’d, faced in life then, how I’d, given her the advices she’d needed, “because you’d, counseled me, teacher, so I will, never forget you, as I saw the flyer on the seminar, I was so excited to come, to thank you.” as she’d told me, I still, can’t quite, remember her, but, I’d felt, very touched by her words.

The following day, a student used the communication app to contact me, this particular student had been, hurt by a certain teacher, he’d come back to me to tell me about what happened, to seek out my counsel, it took me sometime, but I’d, accompanied him, helped him out; back then, I’d, encouraged him: you need to turn what happened to you, into your driving force, if there’s a chance, you must, help those who’d been hurt like you had.  Back then he’d told me, that he will, work hard, to become a teacher who can, help his students.  In his final year of high school, he wrote me that with his grades, there was, NO chance he will ever be a school teacher, so, he was, willing, to become, a serviceman, to fight to protect the country.

And now, many years afterwards, he’d, shared with me everything he’d weathered through in the armed services, and he’d, mentioned what happened to him again back in middle school, and stressed to me, that even though he wasn’t, highly ranked, he will use his past as a teacher, to NEVER make the mistakes his middle school instructor had made.

After I’d read, although I’d felt glad, but, I couldn’t help but feel: that the first woman told me, “so long as I remember you!”.  It symbolized, I don’t’ need your affirmations from your memories, but I will remember, that was, the demands that one made of, one’s own, characters, to never forget to be, thankful.  While the second student, couldn’t forget about the shame, but he’d not, selected, to take revenge, instead, he’d, turned his shame into something he could, learn from, to remind himself, to NEVER shame another like he’d been, shamed.  Think on his, how many people we will meet, how many things we can, encounter, in our, lifetimes!

Who remembered us, it isn’t, that important, what’s important is who we remembered?  Well, it’s, not that important either, the important being WHY we remember who or what we remember?  Those that happened, those whom we remembered, what were their, influenced on us?  From these two students, I saw the choices of attitude, how they’d, chosen to make themselves feel happy, how by choosing to forgive, it’d, given him peace, to use the past as a mirror to reflect, to have a life without regrets, what, will you, choose?

And so, this, is something worth pondering on, what, do you remember when you graduated?  I’m sure, that it’s not the course load, the books, the materials, or even what you’d made on your exams, it’s the experience of learning, of accumulating the knowledge, of the lessons that life teaches us that we will, carry with us from here on out.

My Daughter’s Response, on Parent-Child Interactions

Allowing your own young to experience, so s/he knows, that MOMMY is, RIGHT!!!  Translated…

My daughter woke up late this morn, I’d placed her breakfast into a box, for her to bring to school.  At this time, she’d told me she’d not wanted to eat it at school.  I’d hollered, “Why?”, she’d, minced her lips, refused to tell me another word, I’d thought for a bit, and asked, “do you want to take the time before classes to finish your assignments?”, she’d nodded, “it’s too time consuming to have to eat breakfast at school, it takes away the time from me doing my homework.”

I had to admit, I’d felt, a bit, emotional as she’d told me this.  I thought it’s, defeating the whole purpose of things, thinking of finishing her assignments on time, not caring about her health.  Besides, “homework’, is supposed to be work, taken home to complete, and yet, she’d been, rushing through the assignments in the mornings as she arrived at school, to the point of, giving up breakfast, this is, so totally, not, understandable.

As I was about to go into lecture at her, suddenly, I thought of myself.  In the elementary years, I’d gotten too busy with the various kinds of contests and competitions; in middle school, the pressures of academic made me buried in books; entered into high school, I’d, insisted I could, handle both my academia and my extracurricular activities; as I started n college, I’d, burned off my youth like crazy—but, during those years, my mother never said anything.  Surely, she’d, nagged, it’s just, she couldn’t, do a thing, as her daughter is, very much an, independent thinker, and, finally, allowed me to, be.

Many years later, in the mornings, I stood before my daughter, and, suddenly understood, my own mother’s, nagging back then.  Toward the young, mothers always showed their care and concerns, there were the, worries, always wanting to, offer the best answers for her life.  But, because I’d been a kid myself, I knew, that a lot of the lessons in life, you must learn, personally, for you, to come to realize, what is, the correct answer, and so, I’d come to understand, that the best thing for me to do right now, is, just zip it up.

Finally, as I saw her off into the school, I’d stated, “mom believe you are, able to decide correctly for yourself, breakfast, or not breakfast!”

I can even, give, the correct answer, and then, justify my claims of why my answer is correct, and yet, no matter how perfect I’d, argued my case, it won’t, do a thing for my daughter, because it’s not the answer she’d found by herself.  The only thing I can do, is to give her room, to discover, to hit, for her to, persuade herself, at the same time, having the faith, that she is, able to, persuade herself.

Turns out, what’s harder in caring for our young, is letting them go, to allow them, to make their own, choices in life.

In the evenings as she came back home, she took out the packed breakfast box.  I took a look, nothing’s inside.  She stuck out her tongue and told me, “I was so hungry, and so, I couldn’t help, but eat it.”

Maybe, these lessons of our young, rather than, drying up our own tongue, why not, allow their, rumbling stomachs, to teach them what’s correct.

And so, this, is how a child learns, that her mommy’s, right (and of course, us mommies, are ALWAYS and FOREVER right!), but for our young to understand that we ARE right, sometimes, we need to, stop worrying about them, to just, let go, and let them touch the FIRE, so they get burned, and that hurt register inside their brains, OUCH!  It’s hot, and I shouldn’t touch, like this mother did, for her own young, to LEARN, that HER mother, is R-I-G-H-T!!!

Leaving One Last Play Behind

An example of how to set up, one’s own, final assets, regarding the divisions of inheritances, and one’s own, final care too!  Translated…

In the past, we were, coworkers, AND rivals too.  I’d, hated how she’d, talked trash about me in her conversations, but I couldn’t, help but feel in awe at how swiftly she’d, handled the matters at work, or how she was able to, realize something way before the rest of us had.  I’ll admit, I’m, a bit jealous of her.  After I’d, left my former place of work, I’d heard, that she’d, switched to working in another company too, and had even, gotten promoted to a manager.  Thanks to the internet, it’d, connected us again, and we’d, started, talking sporadically, about the things that are of, no important, matters.

Not long ago, she’d asked me out for coffee, out of curiosity, I’d, agreed.  The day we met up, she’d, lost a ton of weight, and, her eyes were, a whole lot, softer too.  She’d told me she was now, retired, I’d, prodded, “Would your boss let you go?  Wasn’t he the least bit afraid, that nobody will, fill your shoes?”, she’d smiled and told me, “he had to, because, which business owner wanted, to keep a cancer patient on the payroll?”, I felt that shock inside.  Turned out, she’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the third stage.  She’d told her oncologist, that she won’t be going through the extensive treatment measures, only keeping her pain controlled, during this time period, she’d first shown gratitude toward her older brother and sister-in-law, to tell her only daughter that she loves her, that on the road of single parenthood, her daughter, was her one and only, biggest console; and lastly, she thought, of me, wanted to apologize to me, that from when we’d worked together, she’d always, talked trash because she’d, envied how perfect my family is, and how everybody in the office got along with me so well………..

I didn’t know what to say to her, and, all the encouragements, and words of console seemed, excess and unnecessary.  So I’d asked her, if she’d, set up her final affairs?  For instance, the most practical, transferring her assets, the properties and the cash too, I was so certain, that it was to dodge the inheritance taxes, she’d, totally have, already, transferred the money to her daughter’s accounts, but that was, not what, she’d done.  Other than giving partial of her assets to her daughter, she’d, donated some to charitable causes, and, saved some for herself, including the property she now, lives in.  I was so curious, as to why she’d, saved some for herself?  She’d told me she wasn’t, a stingy person, although she’s, dying, but how much longer will she be, around?  The doctor’s verdicts may not be, absolute, she’d hoped, that she could, walk her final mile in someplace familiar, her own, home, and, during this time, she would, need to, spend the money to care for her self, she’d, needed, to hire a nurse to take care of her, that she’d, needed, to take good care of herself in illness.  If she didn’t die, she’d not wanted to, rely on her daughter to help her live, although, the money her daughter has, were once, from her too, but she’d, transferred the money to her daughter’s name, and, it’s, no longer, owned by her.  She’d also told me, “I’d given my child so much, what’s a little inheritance tax on her part?”, it’d, made my heart shocked, such a different sort of parent, this was, the way, for a win-win.

As the shop was, about to close, we’d, asked the waiter to take a photo of us together, we’d said goodbye.  She’d told me, to not ask around about her then, she wouldn’t have any final rites, that tonight, was the last time we’ll, ever meet up.  She’d told me, “I want you, to remember me as right now!”

On the MRT, I’d, looked, at that photo of us, I’d, thought about what she’d said about her “saving a part of her own assets for herself”, I’d felt, that she was, a role model, for how all parents should, set up the inheritances to give to their young, she’d been, an, amazing competitor, whom I’d, learned, a whole lot from that’s for sure!

And so, this, was how well-thought-out this woman was, of planning her own final affairs, she’d, made sure that her daughter will be, taken care of, and, used the amount after she’d set aside for her own daughter’s sake, to donate to charity, and, saved another portion for herself for her own, final care, that way, she wouldn’t become a burden to her own young, and she’d, still, managed, to leave her daughter with something, as well as, help those in need too.

He Said He Was, Tired, the Dramas of Life

On how a father couldn’t let go, because of how much there is, keeping him in the world, even though his body is, slowly, quitting on him, translated…

The morning sun shone brightly, the green forests of Nantou made oxygen an abundance, we took in the deep inhales, and exhales.  He walked ahead of me, the destination: a nearby elementary school, for a workout, the step counter showed 2,130 steps.  He’d made a pact, that he was, going for 10,000 steps a day.  He’d executed this plan of his alone for months already, and, I can only manage to find the time, on the weekends when I didn’t have to, work.  I’m really, looking forward to the good particles from the sun, to making his body healthier, the serotonin, the dopamine, the adrenaline…………

“If I die, you need to, look after yourself well,” he’d stated to me.  “What happens to the child?  What happens to dad?  No, this is not the discussion I want to have right now…………” this was the conversation that began, many, many, many years ago, with a period of time of him in the hospital, with the medical treatments, to bring his life back to normal, we’d, moved to the mountains in Nantou, hoping, that the clean air can, keep him healthier.  Taking his elderly a hundred-year-old father here to stay was his wish, Nantou’s countryside is a great place, with the conveniences of hospitals, with the Veteran’s Hospitals, the Christian Hospitals, etc., etc., etc.  Although he’d needed the sleep aids to go to bed at night, and yet, being able to have these verbal exchanges with him, to fight over the television for the shows we wanted to see, we had, our, share of, a simpler life together.

Although, having to head back to the hospitals regularly annoyed him, he’d still, followed the doctors’ orders, took his meds regularly, kept a regular schedule of life, but don’t know why, or when it’d, started happening again, he’d, felt ill again.  His heartrate got past 120 per minute, he’d started, losing weight quickly, and needed to return back to the enclosures of the hospital wards.  I’d asked him where he’d hurt?  With his hand of his chest, he’d told me, it wasn’t, hurt, it was, painful for him.

In the lobby of the hospital, he’d, pulled on my hand, looked me into the eyes, said to me, “Honey, I’m tired now, let me go, let go of my hands, it’s really, painful for me to stay, I can’t, take it anymore…………”, I’d, let go of his hand, wrapped my arms around his waist, put my head, on his chest.  How I wish I could, get inside his heart, to find out where he was, hurting, why was it, that his most beloved father, his siblings, and his, dearest daughter, and his wife, couldn’t, make him, stay?

Sometimes, the body’s just, been tried too hard, and it wants, to quit, but the only reason why the individual is still alive, is because s/he didn’t want to, leave her/his families who loved her/him behind, like this is the case here.