Watching You Leave, the Thoughts of a Mother

Translated…

On Sunday evening, my daughter with her huge backpack, is headed to her grandparents’ house, I’d sent her off by the door, and, nagged on how she’d not put her shoes on right, she’d mumbled back, “I’ll put it on properly in the elevator!”, I’d insisted that she was to, put her shoes on properly before she leaves, she’d, bent down, redid her laces with that unwillingness, and, I’d had, a few extra seconds, to stare at her.

Since a decade ago, my spouse’s name was stricken off my national identification card, I’d lost the days of accompanying her by the day, and only on the weekends, did we get time together to share. Every Friday evening, I’d, rushed off work, road across the city, to a kindergarten, to pick her up and, my daughter curled underneath the lamplight of the kindergarten, with her accompanying bunny, and, her eyes and smiles, turned into the stars in the skies the moment she saw me. Several years passed by, it’s now, that young woman who’d taken the MRT, the bus, to my place.

As the elevator headed downstairs slowly, I’d calculated the timing just right, went to the lanai to look, the red-topped bus slowly came close, and stopped, right underneath the bus stop; my daughter was sitting in it, her huge white backpack on her legs, with her eyes, staring up ahead, lips slightly curled upward. The autumn sun was eye catching, and, being able to travel on her own makes her excited.

Very long ago, I too, watched the bus as it sped off into the distance, imagined my own sunny and bright futures too, filled with a ton of dreams, embracing the impossibilities of life. back then, I’d never imagined, that in an unknown corner, there it was, my mother, with her tears, staring at the direction I left in.

And now, I’d become, an adolescent’s mother too, and, the once-a-week that we’d met, was what was left for me to take with in this richness of her youthfulness, but, became an aging life’s extravagance. The social media, the pop music, the trending novels, there is, no boundaries, in the world of a teenage girl, and all I could do, was smile by her side and accompany her, but I’d still, cherished the time we spent together.

not my photo…

I know, that one day, she will eventually own her own universe, write her own stories, and that I can’t, keep her all to myself. That mother was only a caretaker when she was younger, but not the one who’d owned her for this life, when she has the ability, to spread her wings and fly, or resting, on that tree on her own, she wouldn’t allow me to groom her, to smooth her feathers anymore, just as back then I’d left my own home too, although I’d bumped and fell, I’d never turned back toward my mother, and ask her to give me a hand.

And still, not butting into her life doesn’t mean that she’s not occupying my mind. After I’d lived alone for a bit, I read the words my mother wrote, “You will always be my child.”, no matter how bad life got, how awful living is, the mother will always recognize her own young; no matter how far you fly, the mother’s gazes will always be like that string connecting to the kite, glued, to the child’s body, hung there, not pulling the child down, close knit, but never broken off.

Right now, the bus my daughter rode is probably at the MRT station now. She’d, scanned her pass, and standing inside the trains, her feet, tapping to the music, reading through her book, an hour later, she will, arrive at her destination, happy, and safe and sound.

The thoughts of a mother, she’d watched her child come and go, from her place back to her husband’s home, and, she knew, that she needed to, let her daughter go, and the child is growing into a beautiful woman, and, she felt sad, because of how her daughter will eventually, spread her wings and fly, but that’s a part of what parents must face, because children WILL grow up, whether or NOT we want them to!!!

You Can Give Up if You Want to…

You can give up if you want to, baby, I know it’s been hard, you’re a fighter, I know, but, I don’t want to see you fight anymore, because we’re fighting a war, with absolutely NO chance of us, winning it!

You can give up if you want to, don’t be so headstrong, child, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, and, surely, I will grieve, very hard, for you, but, that, is just how people deal with losses in their lives, they CRY, they MOURN for it, but, after a good cry, we still all must, get BACK up and run again.

You can give up if you want to, I know you’re a fighter, but, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore, so, just give up already, love.  You can give up if you want to, I won’t hold it against you, I know you love me, and I know that you know I love you too, and, I just can’t bear, seeing you slowly, deteriorate away, so, just let go, it’ll be okay, I promise………

You can give up if you want to, that doesn’t mean that you’d lost the fight, oh no, I will keep on, fighting, on your behalf, letting the world know your story, I will carry on everything you never got a chance to see and do, I will live on, and let the world know about you, so, you will NEVER be forgotten by anybody whose lives you’d touched.

When the Child Wants to Go to School without Her Parents’ Company

The kid is declaring HER independence, the FIRST step, translated…

Q: Ming-Ming in the fifth grade no longer wanted her mom to pick her up and drop her off at school anymore…

Although there’s no problem with the safety in Taiwan, but, there would still be instances where children are kidnapped.  There was a construction site nearby, and, a ton of different people go in and out of the area, Mrs. Huang worries for her daughter, Ming-Ming’s safety as she goes out, so, even if Ming-Ming is already in the fifth grade, she’d still picked her up to and from school, as well as taking her daughter to the cram schools, to this date, the mother had never allowed Ming-Ming to fly solo.  But, recently, Ming-Ming started stating how she wanted to head out by herself, and, Mrs. Huang knew that one day, she will have to let her daughter fly solo, but, she’s confused, at when is the right time, for her to let go.

A Not About Independence, But, One Day, the Parents Must Let Go

The CEO of the Professional Development Center for Growth, the elementary school instructor, Lee, from Bei-Hsin Elementary School, pointed out, that now, the families are having less and less children, most of the families only had one child, and, the parents hovered over them, feared that there would be issues of traffic and safety, and the rates of parents picking the kids up to and from school are higher, compared to the past years.

The Distance Mattered

The observations of parents chauffeuring the kids to and from school, and, one would notice, that in the first and second grades, it’s very normal, but, by the time the kids get to third or fourth grades, they can already walk to school on their own.  But, all the families are different, there are kids who are in college, and still gets taken to and from school by the parents.

Lee stated, that sometimes the parents picking the kids up has nothing to do with whether or not the children ARE independent, instead, it has more to do with the distance between home and school.  She’d sated, that there are small schools in the city of Taipei, most are close to the homes of the students, it would take a short walk to get to school, the parents would naturally, feel securer, to let the kids go to school on their own; but, not in the city of Hsinbei, the schools are huge, and, far from the homes, and, it may take up to twenty minutes for the kids to get to the schools, the parents didn’t want the kids to tire out, and would rather ride their motorcycles, to chauffeur their kids to school, and, there are other cities and counties, with this sort of trend too.

Cherished the Time They Shared in the Car

The parenting expert, Mom Mee said, that from before when they lived in Tainan, there is a long distance between her home and the kids’ schools, she’d played classical music in her car on the way to school, so the kids could feel soothed, she’d utilized the time they shared in the car, to carry on in conversations with her young.  To her, as the children grow older, the time they have with each other became less and less, she’d cherished this time together, and, enjoyed it too, the kids also felt very happy, and, became expectant when she’d picked them up.

Mom Mee said, if as the parents picked up the kids, they’d started nagging about homework, or kept ranting, the children may become defiant toward that, and she’d suggested that as parents picked up the kids, they should communicate with their young.

Mom Mee said, some of the kids would want the parents to pick them up all the time, but, when the kids wanted to strike out on their own, the parents can let go slowly, to let the kids fly solo for a short while, to try it for a couple of days first, then, decide whether or not the kids are fitting, to go farther on their own.

Not Letting the Child be Alone on Her/His Own

Mom Mee and Ya-Jing Lee both pointed out, that when the kids entered into the middle school, they’d become insistent on going to school on their own, and not wanting the parents to pick them up anymore.  Mom Mee said, the children in the teenage years cared a lot about what their peers say about them, seeing how the other classmates could go to and from school on their own, but, the parents are still picking them up to and fro, the children would not like it.

When her child was in the fifth grade, the other kids of her class started asking her to walk to and from school together as a group, she’d also let go, but, every family IS different, and, letting go is reliant on the parents’ and the kids’ attitude, as well as the distance from the school to the homes.

One day, the parents WILL let go.  Lee said, that if you’re allowing your child to go to and from school on her/his own, do remember, to remind the children not to be alone, the parents can take the kids on the paths a couple of times, to understand the traffic conditions, and pick the routes, and, remind the kids to watch the traffic as they cross the roads, if someone is stalking the children, they can duck out in the shops close to the schools, if someone asks the child for directions, the child only needed to point the way, and not lead the stranger to where s/he wanted to head to.

This, is What You Can Do…Tell Your Worries to Your Children

Mrs. Huang drops off and picks up Ming-Ming to and from school, but, Ming-Ming said she wanted to go on her own, Mrs. Huang could use empathy, to explain her own worries to her daughter, because the roads near her house is under construction, she’s more worried about the traffic, so, that, is why she’ll be taking Ming-Ming to school, and, she can also emphasize to Ming-Ming, that if she heads out on her own, she must watch the roads.

Mrs. Huang, if she is to let Ming-Ming go to and from school on her own, she must watch for her own safety, as well as the traffic.

If Mrs. Huang wanted to let Ming-Ming go to school on her own, she could drop her off close to the school first, let her daughter walk the shorter way, then, after Ming-Ming learns to watch out for herself, then, let go.

And so, we have, worrisome parents, who are unwilling to let the child go, and, the child wanted to go, which signifies that she wanted her own independence, and the mother here, is having troubles, letting go, and, it is NOT about independence at all, it’s about the parents’ inabilities to let their kids go.

An Overly Active Child Became Calmer Because of Reading

The experiences of life, from someone, translated…

My son had always been hyperactive when he was younger, and would not head to bed, until, he’d drained himself of ALL his energies completely every single night, I, being his primary caretaker, often felt too tired to chase him around.

When my child was around two when he’d learned to talk, whenever I’d had the time, I’d sat him on my lap, held on to his fingers, picked up the picture books, and, as he’d pointed to each of the Chinese characters, I’d read it aloud to him, sometimes, when he was playing with his toys, I’d read to him too.  Even though, he didn’t seem like he was listening, but, his brain had become a sponge, and started soaking up the things I’d read to him already.

Once, I’d told my son, “Jun-Yi, go wash your hands.”  He’d replied, “Clean up the hands, so I can cook”, it was so shocking to me.  Ever since, the child who couldn’t recognize the characters can read the words aloud, while flipping through the picture books.

As my child was in his last year of kindergarten, I’d subscribed to the “Chinese Weekly”, and, my son slowly used the phonetic spellings to read, and after he’d read, he’d shared with me the stories, and the comics he’d thumbed across.  When he’d entered into the first grade, I’d changed the subscriptions to “Chinese Daily Papers for the Children”, my son could now, read, independently, with the phonetic spellings now.  In the second grade, he became taken with “Journey to the West”, and, modeled the Monkey King as if he WERE the Monkey King; in the third grade, he was taken with the Warring Nations, read a ton of the varied versions of the tale, but, he’d still read it for pure enjoyment, once, I’d asked him, if we could give the books he’d read away to someone else?  He’d firmly answered, “NO, I’m saving these books for my own kids.”

This overly active child, rather than reading the books for fun, still didn’t focus his mind on his homework assignments, and, in school, while he was sitting in class, his mind was somewhere else, in the stories he’d read already.  Acted up in class, wanted all the attention of others, he’d become the main characters of the stories he’d read, to the point that he was seemingly possessed by the stories, he was, the top problematic student of his class.  There was nothing else I can do, but to transfer him to another school, and start taking him to school daily, without his playmates, it’d given this child with difficulties concentrating a cleared learning environment.

My child was a changed kid in this brand new environment, everything started from zero.  He is now, the teacher’s little helper, the smart child in all of his classmates’ views, and, took up the role of the cleaning master and cultural education helper of his class, compared to the problematic student he was, it’s like he’d become, TWO different persons.

Now my child is in the higher grades of the elementary years, he still doesn’t have any afterschool program, every day after school as he’d come home, he’d done his homework, then, worked on his workbooks, he’d insisted on reading the papers still, and, I’d allowed the newspaper articles to turn into another way of education for him, and, we’d have discussions of what he’d read.  Although he’s only midrange in his class in the matter of grades, but, having the good habits of reading daily had helped him become a well-rounded student who knows a LOT outside of the textbooks, and, his character made up for his not doing well on his tests too.

And from this, you can still see how IMPORTANT reading is, it’d helped this kid who was disruptive, who was overactive calm down, and, it’d helped enriched his knowledge base, and, this mom started her child on the reading track, when he was just two years old, by reading the books to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Life Happens by Fate, NOT by Choice

This, is how those unwanted pregnancies never got aborted…

When life happens by fate, not by choice, what, am I supposed to do, with this life I got, that’s not my choosing, I kept, running ‘round in circles, nonstop, bumping into those god DAMN dead-ends without the answer I’d sought after so many times.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, well, you don’t have a choice, you’re already OUTSIDE (of your mothers’ bodies!!!), and, you got NO other option, but to live this life, that’s endowed to you.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, but, life DOES happen by fate, and NOT choice, you didn’t choose, to be BROUGHT into this world, at the time when you were born, it wasn’t, up to you to decide, and, all you could do, was to, live with the SELFISH consequences of your god DAMN parents’ unprotected FUCK!

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, you may think, that you have a choice in everything you do, but you don’t, as everything’s already LAIN out, and, those so-called choices you’re misled into believing that were up to you to decide?  They’re really, actually NOT, it’d been decided, SINCE the moment you were born, and, how is it that I’d come to know all of this?  Let’s still just say, that I KNOW everything, as I had become, a MISS-KNOW-IT-ALL, since 2008, and, I did die, back in ’08, and still, I’d, “bounced” RIGHT back to life, after that final decapitation I’d endured…

Should I Get a Divorce When My Husband Has an Affair?

Marital difficulties here, a Q&A, translated…

Q: L whose marriage is in the MUCK wrote…

Having known her husband for seven years, married for ten, has a daughter and a son, Mrs. L wrote several letters describing how her marriage is sinking: when L was pregnant with her firstborn, her husband became addicted to porn sites, and was about to head off to a motel with an unknown woman, and was stopped dead in his tracks by L.

In the seven years’ time, disregarding L’s words, her husband used the accuse of getting closer to god, became a spokesperson of god, to help others resolve the issues in their lives; and ever since, he’d given less and less time to his families, and, the two of them are slowly drifting apart.

Last November, she’d found out that her husband had an affair with a married female coworker, not only did her husband NOT admit to wrongdoing, instead, he’d blamed her, for not making him happy, causing him to need to find someone else, believed that it was, ALL L’s fault.

During this time, a lot had happened, L told the female coworker’s husband that she was cheating on him, the husband started becoming verbally abusive, and stated that he wanted a divorce; and, L felt, that her husband had become possessed, since he “became” closer to god.

And now what was phasing L was that the in-laws hoped, that they wouldn’t divorce, for the sakes of their young children; but her husband said, that after they’d split, they will each take a child, but, both children wanted to live with L.  Although she has work, however, she’d feared, that after the divorce, her husband won’t pay her alimony, she won’t be able to keep her kids in school, although the counselor had suggested that L gave the custody rights to her husband, but L didn’t want to, and, everything became stagnant.

A My Opinion

I don’t believe, that L really wants a divorce.  In her letter, she talked of how much the Valentine’s Day present her husband gave to her meant so much, that it wasn’t that he went out of his way to buy it, but it was a gift from the company he has business with, and, she is also hesitant, because of the issues of her children.

L can first, think about what’s LEFT in her marriage, half a dinner roll?  Or, just some, breadcrumbs?  Meaning that she needed to figure out, HOW much there is, left in the marriage, WORTH her working hard over?  And, if working hard can really make her marriage improve?  And, what are both of their attitudes?  And their shared beliefs?

Based off of what I’d read, L’s husband is someone who does as he pleases, and, when he’d done wrong, he’d wanted her apologies, and, that, was NOT his first affair either, and clearly, he’d shown, a LACK of self-control, with a total LACK of disrespect for the marriage.  But L must think thoroughly, is she was willing to give her husband another chance?  Or to get divorce, so she could have a brand new life?  If you continue to engage in the silent treatments, you’ll only end up, draining yourselves dry.

And so, for the sakes of her children, and the words of her in-laws, this woman was STUMPED on whether or not she should divorce the husband who cheated on her, and, apparently this woman CARED a LOT about the marriage, and yet, her husband’s behaviors had let her down, time, and time again, and, this, is clear to see, from an outsider’s angle, but, because this woman is involved in the play of things, that, was why she couldn’t see the truth, that, is why she felt troubled…

First Time Abroad

Translated…

Every time I’d read articles on the papers about how parents let go of their young, so their young to go off abroad, I’d felt especially moved.  Because I too, am among those who were blessed, to have this sort of wonderful parents.

Remembering how when I’d hauled out my luggage, and was about to take that trip abroad, I was only a freshman from college.  I’d just gotten approved for the foreign exchange program, and, I’d started getting anxious.  I’d thought to myself: this would be BAD, a “strawberry” was about to head out on her own?  Can I do it?  Comparing, my parents had full confidences toward my abilities, from the application process, to the moment I was about to depart, they’d given me complete support.  And so, with an unsettled heart, I’d left the familiar Taiwan.

But, the moment I’d set out, it was trouble.  On the transfer flights, all the flights were grounded, because of a snowstorm.  In an unfamiliar place, and, it was, a non-English speaking nation, what, am I to do?  Seeing how the time on the monitor keep on delaying, the transfer time for my flight had slid right past.  This, is truly bad!  I’d hauled my luggage, and started panicking, I’d dialed home subconsciously.  The moment my father picked up, I’d started crying.  “Can I come home?”, I’d said, with this nasally voice.  On the other end of the line, my father encouraged me, “don’t worry, be strong, you CAN do it!”

And so, I’d put up my tears, and started thinking of ways, to contact the counter of the airlines, and charade with my broken English, confirmed that latest status of the flights.  With the courage from my father’s words, through the difficult trials, I’d finally arrived at the nation, and, successfully, finished my coursework as a foreign exchange student.

Many years later, it’d dawned on me, my parents were very worried about me being a foreign exchange student, especially my father.  But seeing how I’d gone on my dumb force, with the urge of striking out on my own, he could only put up his worries, and became my strong backup, gave me complete support.  And, even later, did I realize, that that phone call from the airport had caused my father to stay worried for several days afterwards, he couldn’t eat, or sleep because of it.

Actually, as children of my generation, we didn’t have to worry about anything economically, which caused us to doubt our own abilities when we’re about to leave home, and to the point of panicky and helpless.  But, thanks to the parents, who had given us their warm and steady shoulders to lean on, to bravely, push the kids forward, and only took up that safe harbor to their kids.

It’s so nice to have you guys!

So, this is from the support of her father, and the father didn’t SHOW that he was worried about the daughter, just kept being the strong support for her, and that, is how a good father shows support for his offspring.

A Mother, with a DEAD Fetus

This, is what I am………oh, wait a sec, I’m still a VIRGIN, meaning that I’d never done THAT!

A mother, with a dead fetus, how’d that happen?  Did someone CUT it (the sex is still unknown???) out, when she’s still pregnant, like in an abortion?  Or, did she actively, KILL “it”, because she’s NOT yet ready, to take on the responsibilities of being a mom?

A mother, with a DEAD fetus, how could she have gotten that abortion, on her own child?  Didn’t she see, ALL the things she would’ve gotten to do, with this supposed, but now, DEAD and NONEXISTENT “child” of hers?  Was she NOT excited, like all those first time mothers, mothers-to-be, expectant, of her first born?

A mother, with a DEAD fetus, it (the fetus) was, CUT out of her, as it was, agreed, by the family of the guy who KNOCKED her up, because he was, already married, and from a well-known family, that just couldn’t weather through ONE more scandal, and so, this woman’s ILLEGITIMATE baby boy or girl (as the sex is still, undetermined???), got CUT out of her, and, the mother had only  but a minute’s time, to say goodbye, to that DEAD, not-yet-formed completely FETUS of hers…………