Dove into the Deep, Yet, Quite Serene Arms of the, Oceans

How in the presence of something so vast, so, boundless, can offer that needed healing to us, how being in something so massive, takes the focus of the self away, and we became, immersed in the beauty that, surrounds, us…translated…

Using diver’s lungs to dive, it’s an underwater activity where you would need to carry your own bottle of air, and other devices too, that allow you to dive down, deeper.  I loved diving, because it gives me the chance to leave everything onshore behind temporarily, I only needed to focus on the breathing in and out, moving my legs to swim around, along with, what surrounded me at the moment.

At the end of autumn last year, I’d bid farewell to my best friend forever.  Without much consoles, my diving partners pulled me along, on the distant and far away diving adventures I’d had from before.  Looking at the glows of the light from the bottom of the oceans, the shimmers of the water reflecting on the light, was more than, satisfying.  And, if there were the schools of fishes that pass, or the sea turtles swimming along, it would feel, even more, amazing.  In the bottom of the oceans, I feel, so tiny, so, miniscule, my thoughts, purified too to simplistic.  And, it gave me a depth of understanding, of how enchanting the oceans are, and how we also need to, be respectful toward it.  What was out, of my, expectations, was that I got acquainted with a group of friends who shared the same hobby of deep sea diving as I.  We dived together, then, barbecued, drank, and sang those songs.

alone, with nothing but our own selves, and, nature…photo from online

I’d originally thought, that my sorrows will take me over that I won’t enjoy this trip, and yet, I’d felt, healed, again.  I’m grateful toward the presence of the oceans, using that deep, serene arms to, embrace me.  That vast, blue ocean turned everything to small, and, no matter how huge the storms of emotions I was under, the oceans made it, reduced by a whole, lot.

So, being in the presence of something so, majestic, it takes away the unimportant feelings of the self, and that’s, just it!  How we are, often troubled, by something so tiny, that we needed that wakeup call by putting our selves into something that’s, larger, something boundless, to remind ourselves, that our problems are, nothing, that we should NOT get trapped by, the unimportant, the miniscule matters of our, measly lives.

To Breathe Again, without You…

That was, an impossible “feat” from before, but, lost you, I had, and I must, go on…

To breathe again, without you, it was, like the air got, knocked out of me, repeatedly, after you’d been, taken away from me, and it’d hurt every time I’d, breathed, and I’d felt, so very guilty: why am I here, and you’re, not?

To breathe again, without you, it’d been hard, and some days, I’d wished that I had died too, but, my heart’s still, pumping, a lot of blood inside of this, body of mine.  To breathe again, without you, it was, next to impossible, ‘cuz I got trapped up in the loss of you, my love.

the song by Shania Twain, off of YouTube

To breathe again, without you, I couldn’t, and yet, I can’t, stop myself, from breathing in the air I need inside these, lungs of mine!  To breathe again, without you, I’m still, grieving over you, it’s just, that you’d, “surfaced” back up into my mind, a little less and less than before, so yeah, I’m moving on, one foot at a time, still, marching to the ticks and the tocks of this god damn clock that’s now, taken over my life.

To breathe again, without you, it was hard, but I’m doing it, focusing on every moment I inhale, and exhale, thinking about, nothing else, that, is the only thing I can do, to prevent my self, from getting lost in the loss of you again.

A Ghost that’s, Led Me, Home…

A Ghost that’s, led me, home, no, I’m not, kidding, I’d, followed Casper, and, he got, a little too, “friendly” for my liking there, home…

A ghost that’s, led me, home, never thought, that it would be the way, it, went.  A ghost that’s, led me, home, and now, I’m, falling asleep, in this, cemetery of, dreams that I found me in.

A ghost that’s, led me, home, that is, how it sometimes go, isn’t it?  I mean, we followed this road, not knowing where it might, lead, and surely, we became, scared, as the road continued to wind, twist and turn ahead.

following that road that leads us, home…photo from online

A ghost  that’s, led me, home, that, is how it goes, and I will, keep on, following you, my little ghost, home, and, when I’m finally done with time here, then, we will, finally, become those, ghosts that’s been, led, home, and turn into, ghosts, that lead, others, home too…

Can I Try it Out Myself?

What the mother learned, of her self, of her child’s growing up, willing to take the risk, and the responsibilities for her own, actions, translated…

“May I try it?”, my fourteen-year-old daughter pleaded with me.

I’d stopped the second wave of attacks, held my tongue, based off of my teaching experiences of twenty years, and the thousands of students I’d observed.  At this time, she is telling me what she actually feels, but, am I hearing her loud and clear, trying to change her mind?

My daughter wanted to add two more activities of piano accompaniment in her church youth group activities aside from the regular scheduled I’d set up for her for the cram school sessions and the extra talent classes.  But she’d not played for many years, and she may need the extra time to get to her original level of playing skills, while in her academic, she’s the kind that needed to study step-by-step to see the results of her hard work, she couldn’t even have enough sleep regularly, and, thinking about her health, as her mom, blocking this voluntary activity for her, I’m just in it, besides, I’m sure, that more opportunities like this one will present themselves to her in the future.

“Let me just try it, okay?”, yeah, why can’t I, just allow her to?  Why am I worried that she might not be able to, handle it?  Do I trust her enough?  Didn’t we encourage our own young, “you need to try it first”, she’d not yet begun, and so, how can I possibly, set up the outcomes FOR her then?

Did I respect her decision?  If she was willing to take full responsibility for her own actions, then, what right have I, to ban her from it?  Didn’t I raise an independently thinking, responsible for herself child?  She’s so brave already, in after assessing her situations, she was still willing to take on the challenges, why can’t I support her?  Am I afraid, that other than her being too tired, she might not manage?  And, didn’t we tell, that “defeats are what makes you a little closer to success the next time”?  Why must I, strip her of her chances of trying it, to deprive her of getting what she may need to success?

In the parenting expert’ book, “Is Letting Children be Harder than Having to Discipline Them?”, the reasoning is quite easy to understand, and yet, this wasn’t from the textbooks, but the accumulation of wisdom that came with the years.  Every lesson in parenthood is quite easy to understand, but if we don’t think on it, and introspect ourselves, then, we’d gone, in the, exact opposite directions.

My child was willing to try it, that’s a show of her courage and self-confidence.  Willing to share her thoughts with me, showed that she’d trusted me in our interactions.  Wanted my consent, because she respected my opinions on the matters, so naturally, I’d needed to, support her decisions, to be her, strong backup support system.  Giving her praises for her willing to put in the time, for her sense of responsibility, and, wish that she’d gained something positive from the experiences.

As for me, I should feel grateful for her expressing herself to me, to help me know my own shortcomings as her mother, to mature, as parents, we really, have a, lot to learn still.

And so, this is how this kid teaches her mother, about letting go, it’s the child’s life, she should be allowed to choose what she wanted to do, and, if she thinks she’s up for the challenges, then, why shouldn’t the parents support her on it?

But, most parents here, are with the academic-track mind, zooming in on the grades, the percentile scores of the exams, that they forgot, that they’re not the ones, who will be taking responsibilities for living their own children’s, lives.

Adrift, a Poem

How hard it is, to, leave it all behind, everything that’s, happened, in our lives, too hard to, let go, a poem, translated…

You can Choose Sorrows

Floating Along that River

Get into, the Hard-to-Handle

You Can, Participate in the Secrets of the Sun

That Celebration of Midnight that Goes on

In the City

breaking the hold that the past has on us…photo from online

Naturally, Climbing Upward

Finding that the Buildings All Around You

Grew Taller as You’d Climbed Higher, and Higher

You Entered that Marketplace

Where People Made the Sounds of the Sunlight Loud:

With the Postcards of Barcelona,

The Handcrafted Gadgets with that Foreign Feel to Them

And that Young Lady Who’d Handed You, a Piece of Candy

All the Times Froze, Halted, Right at This, Very, Moment.

Halted at the Moment You’d Heard the Breaths of the Oceans

As You’d Walked Next to the Waves that Rolled in

Pulling out that Pathway Home to You

Wave after Wave after Wave

Time is a Stream, that Carelessly, Got Lost, in the Streams that Flowed Along

You Can, Choose Your Own Path

Be With Your Selves

Severing the Rain and the Fog, Severing the Tribe too

That Held You Tightly, in Its, Embrace

The Days Closest

Stiffened, & Cold Now

You Can, Put it Back Where You’d Found it

Like How that Friend of Yours

The News of His Lifting Off

On that, Rocket

This is on, leaving it all behind, the past, everything that’s, happened to us, but, this is, next to, impossible, because all these moments of our pasts, are what made us, into, who we, currently are, and, there’s just, NO way we can, be rid of that, no matter how hard we try, we can run, but we will, NEVER, EVER, escape from it.

Setting Out, on My Own!

As the children grows up, the nest will become, empty soon, and, how are you going to adjust, what will you do, with all that, time???  Translated…

Since school stopped holding the sessions this May due to the outbreaks, other than reducing the times I had to go outside, life is slowly, getting back to normal now, but, my first-year middle school age daughter and my fifth grade son seemed to have gotten used to the comforts of having air-conditioning on full blast, settled in, and on the weekends and holidays, they’d no longer longed to go outside, to get some, fresh air.

from this…

mouths to feed, babies to take care of…photo from online

The Sunday morning after the Mid-Autumn Festival long weekend, the gently autumn sun with the light breeze, how I’d, missed those smiles on their faces as I took them out to run outside, I’d suggested that we should go to the beaches of Gongliao to see the oceans, and to see the sand sculpting festivities.  My first-year-middle school daughter, just as I’d expected, turned me down, my fifth-grade son, due to his love of outdoor activities, and his willingly to go along with me, and so, we’d gotten that mother-son-trip to the oceans.

That day was blissful, the sand sculptures were, amazing, my son chased the waves, and got chased by the waves, and under that blue skies, that smile I longed to see on his face finally, returned.  I’d thought of how Mr. Shih, Uncle Leisure-Living told in an interview, that the children in the elementary, middle school, and high school years at home, are like the seasons of summer, autumn, and winter, by the time they get into college, then, it’s, springtime!  He’s referring to how the kids, in their different levels of schools, with the pressures of scholastic, they’d, naturally, adjusted their own participation rates of the activities we do at home.

Being married later, before I married, I’d always gone out with my coworkers, my classmates to the trips; after I had my children, we’d gone out as a family (and I’m more than certain, that my husband in taking us out, was more out of that sense of responsibilities, and duty than having the fun time); as I’m about to enter into my fifties, with the coming of age of my children, I’ think, I shall start, getting used to following my former classmates, my coworkers out on the adventures again, or maybe, I can, set out, on my own too.  Like, “the mountain is the mountain, the mountain, doesn’t look quite like the mountain, the mountain seemed like the mountain”, the three stages, my going off will transfer from alone, no longer on my own, and back to, on my own, again!

to this…

photo from online

And so, with the coming of age of children, they will, eventually, leave the nest, and then, it’s just, you and your husband, and, because the two of you don’t share the same interests, you have no other choice, but to find your own adventures, and, by this way of thought, you already, had your empty nest stage of life, planned out.

A Brighter, Ordinary, Day, a Poem

What’s, left, behind, translated…

The Wavelength that Passed Through the Collar of the Asteroid Belt of the Aging Dog of the Astronomer

The Blue Whale’s Lowered Whispers with the Trashed Submarine

Gave the Bay a Glow

I Lifted My Head up to the Darkness

Who Was it

That Forgot, to Turn the Lights within Our Bodies, Off

On the Shoulders of the General

That Invisible Kitty, Pounced on the Firing Squad from Before He Was, Still, Living

(The Songs of Sorrows from the Beginning

The Assets Immaterial in the Very End)

These Stanzas of the Poems, Shall Get Beyond What’s Been Destroyed Between You & Me, Sailing, All the Way, into, the, Skies

And so, this is on what’s left, after everything go, BOOM!  What remained, of the love, of the life that’s, gone, what is taken from the examples of these lives, lived………

Her Final Passage, into, the “Unknown”…

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, she’d, always, FEARED it, since she was, way too young to recall.  She’d been, intrigued by, and at the same time, fearful of, death…

Her finally passage, into, the “unknown”, she hadn’t been, a person of faith at all, surely, she was, taken to church, christened as a baby, and, her parents took her every weekend to the sermons.  But it wasn’t until she was, faced with the threats of death, did she, start, trying to find something to believe, desperately.

She’d, feared death, what was to come afterwards, how she was to, die toward the end of her own life, these things, plagued her mind, and she’d, looked high, and low, for the answers, but, still hadn’t found one that, satisfied her completely.

Her final passage, into the “unknown”, she’d now come, face-to-face, with the threats of death, she’s, older and frail, with her mind, getting away from her, little, by little, each and every day.  And, she’d, regressed back to her infancy state, becoming, completely, reliant, on someone else to take care of her, to provide for her what she’d needed to, continue in life now.

Her final passage, into, the “unknown”, it’d been, written down in permanent INK the moment she was born, and, in her old age, she’s only, starting, to realize, that there’s, nothing she needed to, worry herself over, because, fate is, going to, take care of, everything FOR her.

Everything’s been, set, all she has to do, is to continue walking down the paths of life, until the end, however faraway that is from where she currently is…

A Woman Spied on Her Husband Who was Having an Affair, Followed Him from Taichung to Fujian, Case Solved

Women are great private investigators when it comes to things like this that’s for sure, as this loser still attempted to WEASEL, and he was unsuccessful, because his WIFE is, too intelligent!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

A woman, Chen found it odd, that her husband often went to China, once she’d followed him there on the ships, and forced him to admit, “I have another woman, with kids” I needed to deal with; she’d wanted to just turn a blind eye, but as her husband had the webcam chats with the other woman in front of her, she got furious, sold the land, and pressed charged against him.  Although Chen’s husband told, that “I’d admitted to having another woman to get under her skin”, but the courts used the voice recording files, and mandated that he needed to pay his wife $300,000N.T. for the emotional distresses.

In 2018, Chen found her husband had gone to China quite frequently, and every time he’d not told her he was going off, and took a ton of cash away, she’d started suspecting that he had another woman in China.

At noon on August 19^th, Chen found her husband, after waking up, rushed in the shower, and headed off in a hurry, she’d asked, “Where are you going?”, he’d, dodged answering her, and told her to butt out, then, rushed off.  She’d shockingly thought, that he may be off to China again, and checked and found her husband’s passport gone, decided to follow behind him.

As Chen took her passport to the Port of Taichung, bought the fare, and she’d found her husband for sure; he’d refused to tell her why he was heading over to China, she’d decided to tag along behind him, followed him to Fujian, as they reached shore, her husband told her, “I’m with someone else in China, I have a child too, I need to take care of it.”, asked her to give him time so he can, try to get rid of the child, and take care of the other woman.

Chen was forced to accept it as a fact, but cherished her marriage too, decided to give her husband a second chance. But, she’d found that he’d gone to China again, to cohabit with the other woman, and had webcam conferences with the other woman with her right there, she’d decided that she was done with forgiveness, sold off the land that her husband gave to her as a gift, and sued him for encroachment, and demanded that he paid her in court.

Her husband claimed, that during the time he was away in China, she took up with another man, after they couldn’t communicate, to get his wife angered, that was why he’d lied about how he was having another woman too, but he didn’t.  He said, that he’d lied about the other woman a long, long, long time, that his wife was suing, to cover up the fact that she wanted the assets left by his families to him, to divert the attention.

But the judge reviewed over the voice files provided by Chen and found Chen stated, “it’s you!  You’re the one taking up with another, and have a child too, and you asked me to prove my faithfulness to you, how do you plan to handle this?”  Her husband answered, “I will deal with the other woman.”  Chen stated, “You have another woman”, and he’d stated, “I’d already, broken it off with her…………”, and based off of that, the judge believed that the infringement claims were, true.

And this still showed???  Oh yeah, we women keep on forgiving, and forgetting, while you MOTHER @$!%ERS keep on humping around, with your whores, and now you have an illegitimate child, you still ask us to put up with your FUCKED (don’t pardon me here!) up ways?  And we’re all what?  Just supposed to look the other way, and feel blessed that you LOSERS still come crawling back?  Well, I got NEWS for you FUCKERS (don’t pardon!): we won’t, because we’re all done, forgiving, and we will, NEVER forget, as in, E-V-E-R.  Not in this sort of a serious betrayal.

What is Taken Away from Your Education?

Lessons we learned, from school, from our own, experiences in life, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Recently I’d made the speeches at the schools, as the speech ended, a parent led two children to before me.  “Professor, I was your student, do you still remember me?”  This was every instructor’s nightmare, I’d, worked really hard, to think back on all the students, and just, couldn’t, recall her name; but I’d still smiled and told her, “let me think!”, as she’d heard me say this, her smile did not fade, she’s not, disappointed one bit, but her second-grade daughter looked up at her innocently, “Mom, your teacher can’t remember you!”

I felt very awkward after hearing, before I could reply, she’d immediately told her child, “Do you know how many students the professor’s had?  How can she remember every one, but, so long as I remember her!”, then, she’d, started speaking of her middle school careers, that with the problems she’d, faced in life then, how I’d, given her the advices she’d needed, “because you’d, counseled me, teacher, so I will, never forget you, as I saw the flyer on the seminar, I was so excited to come, to thank you.” as she’d told me, I still, can’t quite, remember her, but, I’d felt, very touched by her words.

The following day, a student used the communication app to contact me, this particular student had been, hurt by a certain teacher, he’d come back to me to tell me about what happened, to seek out my counsel, it took me sometime, but I’d, accompanied him, helped him out; back then, I’d, encouraged him: you need to turn what happened to you, into your driving force, if there’s a chance, you must, help those who’d been hurt like you had.  Back then he’d told me, that he will, work hard, to become a teacher who can, help his students.  In his final year of high school, he wrote me that with his grades, there was, NO chance he will ever be a school teacher, so, he was, willing, to become, a serviceman, to fight to protect the country.

And now, many years afterwards, he’d, shared with me everything he’d weathered through in the armed services, and he’d, mentioned what happened to him again back in middle school, and stressed to me, that even though he wasn’t, highly ranked, he will use his past as a teacher, to NEVER make the mistakes his middle school instructor had made.

After I’d read, although I’d felt glad, but, I couldn’t help but feel: that the first woman told me, “so long as I remember you!”.  It symbolized, I don’t’ need your affirmations from your memories, but I will remember, that was, the demands that one made of, one’s own, characters, to never forget to be, thankful.  While the second student, couldn’t forget about the shame, but he’d not, selected, to take revenge, instead, he’d, turned his shame into something he could, learn from, to remind himself, to NEVER shame another like he’d been, shamed.  Think on his, how many people we will meet, how many things we can, encounter, in our, lifetimes!

Who remembered us, it isn’t, that important, what’s important is who we remembered?  Well, it’s, not that important either, the important being WHY we remember who or what we remember?  Those that happened, those whom we remembered, what were their, influenced on us?  From these two students, I saw the choices of attitude, how they’d, chosen to make themselves feel happy, how by choosing to forgive, it’d, given him peace, to use the past as a mirror to reflect, to have a life without regrets, what, will you, choose?

And so, this, is something worth pondering on, what, do you remember when you graduated?  I’m sure, that it’s not the course load, the books, the materials, or even what you’d made on your exams, it’s the experience of learning, of accumulating the knowledge, of the lessons that life teaches us that we will, carry with us from here on out.