Category Archives: Coping Mechanisms

When the Time Put in Isn’t Returned in Equal Ratios

As the inmates started acting disrespectful toward the lecturers who came to prison to try and help them, what can the lecturers, do???  Translated…

I work as a counselor at the prison, and I work with the inmates with the drug-addictions and drug priors, to try and help them in getting away from the addictions, to prevent them from going back down that wrong path again, the facility would have a ton of courses for these inmates, for  instance, life education, stress relief, and medical awareness, etc., etc., etc., and the professionals in the various areas are hired to give the lectures.

Although none of the inmates are here voluntarily, but most of them knew “how to behave themselves when they needed to”, after all, nobody wants to prolong their stays because of bad behaviors, getting out early is the goal.  So, even if they’re disinterested in the lectures, they’d still, pretended to care, to play their part in compliance.  And yet, as the evaluations are passed, they are, allowed, to go home early, and, some of whom who had been hidden too long, would let  their real selves, show, thinking, that they didn’t have that long a time here, and would start, misbehaving themselves in class.

like this…photo from online

Awhile ago, as I led the lecturer out of the class, away from the protected areas, the individual wanted to talk to the official who’d, assigned the teaching of the course.  I’d curiously inquired about why, turned out, the inmates who are about to get released soon, had that I don’t care attitude in class, to the point, of, verbally challenging the lecturer, it’d made him feel upset, and he’d wanted to, switch to teaching another class.

The man told, that from before, he was a higher up on the corporate ladder, he had everything as he’d filed for retirement, and carried that heart of giving back to the community to lecturer here, he’d put a whole lot into preparing for the lectures, and yet, the inmates treated him with too much, disrespect, it’d made him upset.  I’d tried to console with him, told him not to mind it too much, and shared with him my experiences, in relations to his, suggested to him, that he can, change his attitude, to NOT punish himself with others’, mistakes.

Or maybe, he felt empathized, and realized, that what he’d encountered, was normal, other than stopping complaining about it, he’d, also, made fun of himself, that he’d not, been “trained” enough, that he needed to work of that, then, we’d, parted, ways.

In actuality, interacting with the nonvoluntary cases, we would encounter the “passive attacks”.  And, in the mandatory lectures in these realms, there were the members of the audience who’d yawned loud, kept interrupting the lectures, not taking the lectures, seriously enough.  And if the lecturers get upset, then, it’d fed to the inmates desires of wanting attention, and then, they’re, the ones, in control.

At this time, it’s best, to just, ignore the bad behaviors, to not stoop down to their, levels, and, as they’d felt, that they can’t get anything out from the lecturers, then, they would get bored and, move on.  If the lectures got halted by the interruptions of the audience, then, the lecturers can ask the audience, to please allow her/him to continue to lecture, and, I’m sure, that those who’d acted up would, tone it down, because they were the ones, interrupting, and the lecturers asked nicely for them to, “behave” themselves.  After all, the lecturers are asking nicely, and if the misbehaved go overboard, I’m sure, the other members of the audience won’t see fitting, and will, put an end to it.

what the lecturers would want to see…the inmates engaged in the discussion topics…photo from online

I hope, that the lecturer can keep on having that heart of educating the masses, continue to, use his knowledge to teach, to give guidance to the lost sheep, inside that cage.  And, if the same circumstances happen again, then he might choose to overlook them, but, so long as he has a clear conscience, knowing, that he’d done all that he could.  Once you put everything into something, and get manipulated by others, then, you’re the ones who’d, lost.

And so, this, is how the inmates, are, challenging these, lecturers, and, it makes the lecturers feel defeated, they’re giving their time, to try and help these individuals, and yet, this was, what they got, the disrespects, because the lecturers expected that their words will not fall on, deaf ears, but sometimes, these inmates just challenges you, and, if you get roused up by their behaviors, then, you’re the one, who will be, manipulated by them, and you lose!

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Filed under "Professional" Opinions, Attitude, Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Properties of Life, Social Awareness, White Picket Fence

Heading into the Operating Room without the Worries

The attitude to which, this woman, come to terms with her, cancer diagnosis…translated…

I’d bumped into my friend, S at the hospital, after the greetings, we’d asked what we were there for?  What department are we going to see?  S stated with ease, that she’d just set up the stay at the hospital, she’s getting the operations the following day.

How can that be?  Aren’t surgeries always, stressful and worrisome?  S looked like she was, out for, a stroll in the afternoon.

S saw my question, explained, “last year when I went for my health check, it’d shown that I had a node in my lungs, I’d gone for the follow-up earlier this year, the CT showed that the node on my left lung grew bigger, the oncologists recommend that I have it removed to get a biopsy.  I’d though, it’d not impacted me, it’d not hurt, would it be necessary, that I go, under, the knife?  Guess I’ll, wait for a while then.  And yet, the fact is right before her, she kept swaying between whether or not to get the biopsy.  And so, I’d asked a physician friend of mine, Dr. Huang, and he’d, used only five words, and I was, convinced, to check myself in.”

“Might I inquire, what the four words were?”, I’d asked.

S smiled that stealthy smile, “it’s more than worth it!”

So, is there, a “calculation” of how much going under the knife was worth it or not?

Turned out, Dr. Huang reminded her, that the cancers of the lungs, are mostly, asymptomatic, unless through the low-dose CT, and the biggest myth was, a lot of people believed, that they aren’t smokers, so they won’t have lung cancer, but medically, in Taiwan, ninety-percent of female lung cancer patients don’t smoke at all, and so, this, was a must.  Going under the knife for a minor procedure, to get the truths known, no need to worry over it, most importantly, it’s, early discovery, in the earliest stages, easiest to, treat and cure, isn’t it, quite, worthy?

I squeezed S’s hand, wished her the best, she’d smiled, “knowing, facing it, dealing with it, to get that firmness underneath my feet, this is, such, a wonderful, feeling!”

And so, this is on how attitude determines, everything, especially when there’s the uncertainties in our lives, we must, keep believing, that we are going down this road, and wherever it’ll lead, is wherever we’re, meant to be, and if you carry this mindset, than, nothing will, faze you!

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Filed under Attitude, Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Fate, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Overcoming Obstacles, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Values

Romanticizing Your Abandonment…

In order, to help my self, survive without you in my life, this was, the ONLY way I have, of why you’d, left me, abandoned me, in my, younger, years…

Romanticizing your, abandonment, I’d, woven up this, tale about you as a young child, for not having you ‘round in my life: that you were, someone who worked for some, secret society, forced to flee, to escape, which was why I never got to see you,  growing, up.

and I kept longing, for you to come back and get me…and you, never, did…photo from online

Romanticizing your, abandonment, it was something I did, to keep my self, away, from the, painful truths, ‘cuz, which mother wouldn’t love their young?  (you never had!), but because I was way too young, and in need of you, and you were, never, ‘round, so I had to, try and make sense, of why everybody had a mommy, and I didn’t.

So I’d had these, schemata, of who you were, what your life was like, and why you couldn’t be ‘round me.  And I had, grown up, as safe and sound as I, possibly could, without you!

And yet, as now I’m adult, the truth finally came, and the reason for why you weren’t there, wasn’t, as romantic as I wanted it to be, and I’d become, ill-adapted, unable to, cope with, these truths that had now unfolded, before my, mind…………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Life, Properties of Life, STUCK in a Cookie Jar

Seeing the Things Left Behind by the Loved Ones, Reminded of the Losses, First, You Need to Saturate Your Own Grief & Loss

On dealing with loss, and grief, of losing someone we love, translated…

Three Months Ago, My Husband Died in a Car Accident, We’d Been Together for Thirty Years, and I was, in Mourning, Deeply.  My Daughters are Both Married Already, there’s only Me Remaining at Home, and, Every Time I Saw My Husband’s Belongings, I’d Missed Him, and Started Crying, Uncontrollably.  My Friends Suggested that I Pack Up His Belongings, to Groom Through My Own Feelings, But, Every Time I’d Started Doing that, I Can’t Stop Myself from Breaking Down, Felt like I Can’t Ever, Get Back Up, Get on with My Life without Him, What Do I Do?

As you lost your loved ones, their belongings wouldn’t vanish, and the items left behind, became, “remains”.  The expert in the funeral business, Kuo staid, that it normally takes three months to half a year to digest all those feelings of loss, of sorrows, or maybe, even longer, he’d suggested that before sorting through the remains of things left behind, we need to sort through our feelings first, then, start on taking care of what’s left behind by the ones we loved.

The Life & Death Care Foundation C.E.O., Kuo also mentioned, the most ideal state of being to sort through the remains is when the individual is still living, to start, saying goodbye to the, items, but life is, never predictable, sometimes, someone we love died so suddenly, or had been bedridden for a very long time.  At this time, the families, other than needing to cope with the deaths of their, loved ones, they are also in the midst of the difficulties of sorting through their loved ones’ belongings.

After Sorting Through the Items and Donating Them Out, Telling the Recipients the Items Belonged to Someone Who is Gone

Kuo pointed out, sorting through the remains occurs in three stages: classification, collection, toss or donate.  He’d recommended that the remains get separated into three categories, first, “thrown away”, including medications, clothes, shoes or anything that’s used, the items that you wouldn’t feel bad about throwing away, can all be placed in this category.

Second, the “Reusable”, like books, new clothing, tossing out, would be a waste but, keeping them, there’s no use, save them in the stack of “reusable”, to donate to the welfare organizations or to those who might be in need of use, or, find a thrift shop to sell.  There’s no agency that takes in these items that were left behind specifically here, Kuo believed, that before the clothes were donated, do let the organizations know that they belonged to someone who’d passed, so the organizations wouldn’t have any issues.

based off of Kubler-Ross from online

Keeping What’s Sentimentally Valuable or Valuable to You

Lastly, there are the items that are, “of sentimental values”, “the items with the sentimental values are the hardest to sort through”.  The experts stated, placing everything that’s hard to say goodbye to after someone you loved is gone into the “memories we shared” files.  Including photos, paintings and art, or the items they’d collected, place all you want to keep with you in a cluster, then, categorize them by types.  The photos, in the longer-keepsake boxes, the collectibles that your loved ones left for you, you can either sell them off, or keep them.

Kuo mentioned, “traditionally, the clothing would be, burned, but I believe, that those clothing items with sentimental values can be kept,” she’d said, the clothes have the scents of those whom you loved, it can keep the nostalgia alive, while, the rest, after discussing with the families, can get tossed into the recycle bins.

Kuo stressed, that through the step-by-step, sorting to the items of your loved ones who’d passed, it’s saying goodbye to those whom you’d, lost, collecting up your loss, and sorrows, so you can, face the rest of your lives, without them.

And so, this is how we need to say goodbye, to those whom we loved, and died, and yet, it’s, not that easy, because at the very beginning after they had just died, we missed them like crazy, because of the love, the connections that are still, intact, and we can’t even, bear to, sort through anything that belonged to them, this is only natural, but, eventually, as time passes, you will find the strengths in yourselves, to, sort through the things that your loved ones left behind, and, separate these items into piles of donate, keep, sell, etc., etc., etc., and, after you sort through every piece, you’d fully and properly, bid the ones you love so much, farewell.

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Theories & Applications

It Was Him, Wasn’t Her, He’d Raped His Wife with Dissociative Identity Disorder & She’d Sued Him

How this loser still took advantage of this woman’s trust in him, abused her trust, raped her, and now, he would be, charged!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

She’s His Girlfriend & His Best Pal, Kao Disregarded the Advice Against Him Doing So, “Wanting to Get His Girlfriend’s Personalities Out”, Indicted on Forced Sexual Assault Charges

A man, Kao from Taipei met a married woman online with “dissociative identity disorder”, with one of her milder personality alters, started dating, and, became buddies with another of her more masculine personality, and yet, as the married woman came to him in the personality of a best friend with him, and, raped her, against her will, the Taipei District Court yesterday charged him on forced sexual assault charges.

Dissociative identity disorder, means that there are more than one personalities living in a single person, and every personality is unique, with separate emotional responses, memories, and different ways of interacting with the external environment; the various personalities would take turns controlling the individual, as one personality surfaced, the previous’ personalities’ behaviors were all, forgotten.

Based off of understanding, the married woman had been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, and her husband knew it too, and so, he’d allowed her to have other men as her companions when she’s in her alter states to even be in love with others too.  in April of this year, the milder personality wife used a friendship app, met Kao, the two quickly became a dating couple, and had sexual intercourses multiple times.

During the time when they were dating, another tougher alter of the woman also came into being, and, the tougher personality also befriended Kao as well, the two would interact as buddy buddy with one another.  And because as the married woman switched from the alters, her tone of voice would change too, and Kao knew the difference of her varied alters, and there was no misunderstanding who he was with at the time.

In June, the woman went to Kao as the buddy buddy to chat, and Kao knew that she was in the more masculine alter then, and wanted to see if he could get “satisfied” with her like when she was in the alter of a married woman, or that if he’d managed to satisfy her, he may be able to get her more feminine, girlfriend side to take over, disregarded that the woman’s feelings of getting forced.

At the time, the woman who was in the alter of the tougher personality screamed at Kao: “Don’t you test me!”, and Kao still raped her, the married woman called the cops and sued him for the rape.

During the trial, as the D.A. put the woman on the stand, it was the tougher alter of the woman who’d come out, stated that at the time, Kao had gone against her will to rape her, Kao also admitted that she was in the alter of the “buddy buddy”, when he’d gotten to have sex with her too.

And so, this is how it goes, you think you can take advantage of the woman’s D.I.D., that she was just going to take your crap lying down, well, she wasn’t, besides, if one of her alters was willing to have sex with you, that still doesn’t mean that you get to FUCK her when another one of the alters had taken over her.

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Filed under Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Abusing Someone's Trust, Commiting Adultery, Coping Mechanisms, Crime & Punishment, Improper Behaviors of an Adult, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, Observations, Rapes, Sexual Assaults, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

Those Who Were Left by the Suicides of Their Loved Ones, Offering the Prayers, & the Blessings

On suicide, the families left behind, and how they can, start to heal, after sorting out the reasons of why they’d lost their loved ones to suicide, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The suicide of the famous person caused media attention, but this is just, the ripples from the classic and ordinary suicide in the society, people wanted to know “why?”, hoping to have an answer for the events that had, occurred.  For instance, the online community commented that if the families stayed by the side of the individual, then, maybe, it could be, prevented, or the discussions of how we can, accompany those with love who had been diagnosed with depression, how do we get them to therapy, to get them to take their medications?  Could the suicide have been prevented, if we’d managed the symptoms of depression well enough?

All of these beliefs, aimed at some sort of psychological control of what we couldn’t have controls over, through the linear cause and effect, B caused A, if we take B away, then, A wouldn’t, happen, and it seemed, that we would be, in control, and we get that sense of, security in our minds then.

In truth, there’s no direct and simple cause of suicides, only the multiple risk factors, and the protective factors, with a higher number of risk factors, then, the chances of suicide increase greatly, like major psychological illnesses, alcoholism, substance abuse, despair of impulsivity, unemployment or loss of assets, and how the act of seeking help is mislabeled; the protective factors, on the other hand, can help lower the risks of suicide, like getting into treatment physically or psychologically, the support of the families, the society, faith, etc., etc., etc.  And yet, no matter how hard we tried to prevent, suicides still happen, and it would have an everlasting effect on those who were left behind, the “remaining population” of the suicides.

And, we often think of the families of the individuals who’d committed suicide, but, there’s a wider spectrum of those who were affected, including those who bore witness to the suicide, the friends, relatives, classmates, coworkers, neighbors, the medical professionals who took care of the individuals who’d died.  For instance, I’d once heard the survived of suicide individuals shared, that as the therapist of the individual who’d committed suicide had been notified, the therapist was shocked, “how can this be, the last two times I saw her/him, s/he was okay”, and this showed, how shocked and how the therapist couldn’t accept the death of the patient.  And, the past researches showed, that as the media overreported on the events, it may cause the modeling effect.  Those who learned of the suicide first hand or by word of mouth, who are directly or indirectly affected by the events, are all the more generalized “survivors of suicides”.

The trauma reaction to the news of suicides, the memories with the individuals who’d committed suicide, the support and interactions of the individual with their loved ones, reviewing over ones’ own life experiences, etc., etc., etc., all of these may be the experiences of the survivors of suicides.  And, anybody who’d been affected by a suicide can do the following to care for oneself:

First, find someone who will listen and accompany you, to tell the individual about how the suicide impacted you, how it’d made you feel.  As a therapist, I’d reminded the families who are survived to find someone who listens, who can accept all the reactions to the griefs, to the losses, someone who won’t jump in to give the advices too soon.

Secondly, the survivors can get involved into the groups relating to the survivors of suicides, for instance, the Care Foundation for the Survivors of Suicide, finding the FB of this particular association, you can get the needed resources (for instance, the video files, the illustrated books/articles on the matter), there are also opportunities to be with those who’d experienced the loss from a suicide of a loved ones, to seek out the emotional and social support of a shared experience.

Third, the survivors can also consider therapy, the therapists will try and help the individuals to find the means that works for the persons singly, to cope with the enormous losses of your lives.

Finally, in the clinical work we are doing, through the creations of various means, or giving to others, it helps the survivors find the meanings, for instance, writing or art, gardening, or immersing oneself into the volunteer services, etc., etc., these are what the families of suicides mentioned had helped them out.  It’s not easy to reconstruct ourselves after we’d lost someone to suicide to death, but, it’s not impossible.  So, let’s use our own ways, to help send the prayers and the blessings to those who are left behind by their families, for those who’d weathered through the suicides of their loved ones.

And so, this is on helping those families who’d lost someone to suicide heal, and this is a very hard process to manage, because death is never easy, especially when someone you loved chose to take her/his own life, for whatever reasons there may be, and, you may wonder why, and get stuck, because you will never find the answer to why, because the only one who can answer that question had already gone, and, you will have to, pull yourself out of that deep dark hole, but with the help of the support groups mentioned, or the therapy sessions, you can, walk out of this.

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, Life, Loss, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Social Awareness, Social Issues, the Finality of Life, Values

And then, there’s the Tuesday Morning Wake-Up Call — Live & Learn

We compartmentalized the stress and ongoing trauma, flattening it into something survivable, but we nonetheless ate it for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. We swam in that stress. We slept in it. We swallowed it in gulps. We lived through it, and we told ourselves stories of resilience, because what other choice did we have. […]

And then, there’s the Tuesday Morning Wake-Up Call — Live & Learn

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Filed under Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

The Traumas Your Minds Can’t, Remember…

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, well, guess what?  Your bodies, keep track, and, there, ain’t NO way, of dodging, that hard-hitting, tornadoes that’s, comin’, all your, ways there.

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, other parts (don’t ask which “parts”) of your, entire, “being” will, keep on, keeping track of, and, you won’t know, when the triggers of what happened will, make you, unwind, and everything will, break loose, suddenly, because that, is how it goes!

The traumas your minds can’t, remember, oh, but your minds, remembered them, every single last one, it’s just, that your minds knew, you are, not quite ready yet to deal, so, to protect you, they’d, wrapped you up, inside, those, bubbles, to insulate you from the pains.

with the layers, one, inside of another, and another, and another, and, another…photo from online

But eventually, your body remembered and, it will, remind your minds of, your traumas, and, it will, HIT you, too hard, ‘cuz you’d been wrapped, safe and sound, insulated, unsuspecting, just like IDIOTS (so???  Feel free to take them offenses, why don’t ya!), without a single clue.

Then, WHAM!  All hell breaks, L-O-O-S-E, and…

Yeah, sorry, I’m not here to help, ‘cuz, my hands are, T-I-E-D!

NOT my problem, I’d already, DEALT with every single, FUCKED up shit in my fucking life here, and besides, I got my best friend, NIMBY, as my, best, “defense”, so………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, Life, Mental Health Issues, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

A Part of My Past, that I Just, Don’t Want to, Re-Visit…

“It’s just a part of my past that I just, don’t want to, re-visit again!”

And that was all she, wrote…

But, you can’t help but wonder, what had, happened to her when she was so young, that made her, shut away, all those, memories of old, and, being as young and innocent as you, you kept on, prodding, prodding, prodding her.

Until she had enough of you, badgering her nonstop, and finally, snapped!

what that looked like, for her…

illustration from online

And, you’d come to know, that there’s, that taboo on the past, that you are never supposed to, mention to her about, and, that taboo, it’d, tagged along, as you grow older…

A part of my past, that I just, don’t want to, revisit again, and yet, it kept on, visiting, revisiting me, when I close my eyes at night, I can’t even, ward them off (like evil???), every night as I lay myself down to sleep at night (prayed my soul the lord to keep, yada, yada, yada!), they always, come back, to haunt me.

A part of my past, that I just, don’t’ want to, revisit again, and, despite how I wanted to, leave those memories behind, they can’t stay suppressed forever, even as I’d, worked too hard, casting them out of my mind during the day, there’s no way, of warding them off at night, as they manifest themselves, and became those horrible things that frightened me in my dreams………

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Filed under Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

You Can be in D-E-N-I-A-L

You can be in denial, but I’m, already, OUT!

You can be in denial, of the, FUCKED up (‘cuz it was!!!) SHIT that’s happened to you as a child, oh so, god damn, helpless, so young, so easily, hurt…

You can be in denial, because that’s the only thing that helps you survive through your helpless years as a young child, because you can’t live without your parents, and they’d been, nothing BUT mean to you.

You can be in denial, oh wait, you still are, to this, very day, and you’re still, not “grown up” enough yet, for you got, stuck, forever, in that mindset of that young boy who got, brutalized by your own fucking, abusive/neglectful parents (boo-hoo-hoo, your parents, they NEVER loved you, so what???).

the three chimps…photo from online

You can be in denial, that’s, your choice, but that don’t mean, that I gotta, put up with your shits.  I too, was, hurt a lot as a child like you were, and yet, look how I’d, turned out?  And, based off of the nature v. nurture argument, my nature won out my nurture, while you’re nurture had, ruined you!

So yeah, keep on, being in, denial, I’m, already, out, “honey” (that was still???  Oh yeah, SARCASM!)

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Properties of Life, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence