Category Archives: Overcoming Obstacles

Thriving without You

I thought this was next to impossible, but, I’m doing it!

Thriving without you, I thought I’d needed you to love me, but turns out, you NEVER had any love to give, and, I was just, waiting, endlessly, for that ship that never docks.

Thriving without you, that, is what I’m doing, and, I always will be, thriving without you, plus, what ARE you again?  Oh yeah, nothing MORE than just that M***ER F***ING TADPOLE, and I don’t need any of that SHIT in my life here.

Thriving without you, because I can, because I’m stronger than I’d ever realized, because I am capable, a woman who can stand on HER own.  Thriving without you, that, is what I will always BE doing, and, there’s NO way, you can change the way I feel about you, after all, love’s already been dead AND gone since the three thousands, and I’m currently in my thirty thousands.

Thriving without you, I am now, I never need your love, I just needed, me, and I will always AND forever, have myself, to hold on to, as for you, you don’t even have YOU, so, how the FUCK (don’t pardon me here!!!) can you hold me?

Thriving without you, I am now, and, I’m still, stronger by the day, ‘cuz I’d already, OVERCOME ALL the obstacles that this god DAMN F***ED up life has to offer me………

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Thoughts on a Sunday

Lessons on Gaining Strength, on How to Manage…

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Filed under Lessons, Life, Observations, Overcoming Obstacles

Without the Darkness in His Past, He Couldn’t Have Produced Such Inspirational Works

Without the darkness in his past, he couldn’t have produced such inspirational works, I know, it’s odd, how someone with such a dark past, can produce so much brightness in his work, right???

But, perhaps, it’s because of ALL that darkness, that enveloped his past, that he felt compelled, to produce those works of light, who knows.  One thing’s for sure though, his work had, inspired a lot of people, helped a lot of lost souls find the light.

Without the darkness of his past, he couldn’t have produced such inspirational work, he’d managed, to turn his own life around, and left it all, behind.  His “former” life was filled with, a TON of uneasiness, a lot of pain, suffering, discomfort he can’t run from, and so, he’d faced them all, HEAD-ON.

And now, he’s out of the dark, and he’s using his own experiences, battling with the addictions, the pains, to help others, hoping, that his life can be something that motivated others.

It’s just, hard to imagine, that someone, whose work is filled with so much hope, so much goodness, came from this awful a past, and, after knowing this, his audience applauded him even louder, because we ALL know how hard it is, to overcome, and he did, MORE than that already!

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Expectations, Inspirational Tales, Life, Nature vs. Nurture, Overcoming Obstacles, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Socialization, Turning One's Life Around

Watching My Past Unfold, Before My Eyes

All those moments, I’d forgotten about, all rushed BACK up to the surface, and, they’d escalated, became this HUGE tsunami wave, that came, crashing down on me…

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, it was, as if I’m merely an observer, to the atrocities that had happened to me, I’d tried to scream, but, no sound came from my mouth, I’d felt that hurt, that pain, that betrayal that was so deep once more.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d tried, to keep the perspectives of an outsider, someone who’s totally and completely, UNINVOLVED in the matters, but I just couldn’t, I’d felt that knife, cutting into my all over again.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, all of a sudden, I’d found myself, in the midst of this raging storm, I’d screamed, HARD as I possibly could, but, the loudness of the bad weather, well, they’d drowned out my cries.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d weathered through all these horrible storms, and now, as the storms calmed back down, I can finally, go back the path where the storms came, and, start to, pick up all those broken pieces, hopefully, I could, piece everything back together, again………

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Downward Spiral, Healing Process, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories, Vicious Cycle

With a Change of Thought, I Had, Finally, Come Home

An article from a magazine online, translated…

When I was in the fifth grade, my mother had left home with some of her friends.  Before that, she’d always brought home her friends who don’t look male or female, to smoke, to drink with.  I’d told my mother, “The friends you brought home were awful!”, she’d hit me on the head, and locked me up, inside that room, in the attic.

On an evening, when the rain was pouring down, my mother didn’t come home, so, my father went, to look for her.  At the time when I was worrying about whether or not my father was going to get run over by a car, he’d come home, with my mother, drunk.  My mother who had passed out, couldn’t stop herself from throwing up, the three of us kids, cried, and kneeled before her, only I, stayed in the bedroom, as my third-youngest brother came knocking, “We’re all out here, begging mom, to stop what she was doing, won’t you come with us, and do the same too, eldest brother?” I’d only had one reply, “I’m asleep”, but, I was, actually very much awake, I’d told the walls, “I do not have such a mother!”

And from then on, I’d not viewed my mother as my mother again.  But my father, he just won’t give up, it took him, twelve years, to finally, divorce her.  Even if I’d called out to my mother’s friends, and her friends managed to find someone they knew, who just got out of prison, to come and kill me; and even if, the only time my mother came home was, when she needed money, to scam my father out of his earnings, he’d still, wanted her.  I was very furious, I’d asked him to get a divorce, but he’d told me, “a home is when we all get together, no matter what she did, she is still, your mother, I will, pull her back home to us again.”  My father grew up in the warring times, he had another wife in China, and his eldest brother in China is already in his seventies, and his persistence toward my mother made me feel less about him.

A Father Who’s an Educator, With Trouble-Making Children

My father was an educator, when I was a teenager, he had to face the doubts of his school principal, “You’re a discipline instructor, and yet, you couldn’t even manage to, control your own children, how, did you educate them?”  My father could only, transfer me out of that first school, I too, wanted to be good, it’s not that I can’t, I just, didn’t know how.  I felt so borderline, often got upset, depressed, but at the same time, I was, filled with energy, and I’m often on edge, in my psychological state of mind.

The four kids from my family, before we were twenty-five, none of us behaved.  I was the eldest, played the role of the “savior” of my family, I’d disciplined my own younger brothers and sister.  I wasn’t at all studious, but at the same time, I was forcing my younger sister, to recite the poems; I’d run off to hang out with friends, but, banned my younger brothers from so doing; I would physically hit my second youngest brother, and, when I couldn’t win in fights, I’d simply, ignored him.

I didn’t get into college until I was twenty-three, before that, I’d worked as a construction worker, a mover.  As my third youngest brother went to technical college, he’d received, two major reprimands, two minor ones, along with endless number of warnings.  My father had often commented, “My heart was hacked in two.”  I too, was in great pain, and I’d often thought, that had my mother not behaved as she’d done, maybe, our household wouldn’t be a huge mess.  As I thought about my mother, anger started, raging inside of me.

And I didn’t get along well with my father either, I’d never celebrated a birthday from when I was growing up.  My father always told me, poor people don’t have birthdays.  But, on the day that I’d turned twenty, my father, he bought me, a birthday cake.  Did you know that, for a child who’d never been kempt, in accepting love, when my father showed me his cares and concerns, I felt, awkward, “I don’t want it, why are you giving me a cake?” this awkward feeling that came out of nowhere, without taking even a bite from the cake, I’d slammed the doors, and left the house.

I got trapped between, needing and wanting my family to love me, and yet, at the same time, I’d despised this feeling of needing their love.  Love is so warm, why can’t I just, embrace it?  Because I’d lived, for too long, in this icy environment, that this sudden warmth imposed upon me, I wouldn’t know, how to cope with.

My mother’s leaving home had caused me to feel so very lonely, I’d once imagined, that when I was feeling lonely, my mother would come to me, and hug me.  But when I saw other people’s moms, hugging them, I’d started crying, so hard, that, was the shared grief, for people who’d lost their mothers.

At age thirty-two, the school I taught at sent us to take the Satir Counseling method, back then, I was, so totally, against counseling, always believed, that those in the field of psychology is prying into the personal matters of others.  But, on that very first day of class, I was, shocked, at the lecturer’s open attitude, his forgiving nature, and his not blaming me.  I was, shaken up, from the inside out, and learned, that there was, this way, of relating to others.

I’d decided, to go into counseling then, back then, I had only $200,000N.T. in savings, I took out $60,000N.T., for the sessions right away.  For the next two years, I’d gone, every month, to Chenggong University, to talk to, the psychiatrists, and the social workers, in the process of talking and listening, I’d gained a better understanding of my own mother.  My heart was opened, I understood, that I was feeling sad, my own losses, and regrets as well, and I had, the ability now, to examine, the origins of all of those negative feelings of mine.

Finding the Last Piece of the Puzzle Called “Family”

In the counseling sessions, there was an assignment, it was, for the pupils, to draw a diagram of their families, that, was the very first time, so I’d called her up, she was very surprised, to hear my voice, for the first time in twenty years since she’d left home, that was, the very first time I’d gotten in touch with her by my choice, I no longer, grilled her about why she’d abandoned us, or took that tone of blame when I spoke to her, and, because I wasn’t angry, she didn’t react as rashly either.  She’d mentioned how she was, volunteering, helping the deceased from the less fortunate families clean up their bodies, because she wanted to, atone for her own sins.  I felt awful, told her, that although I didn’t condone what she’d done back then, but I don’t think she’s with that much guilt, that she needed not be, too hard on herself.  “I respect, that we could, travel on this long journey together.”  She’d started crying on the other end of the line, and started apologizing to me continuously.

I’d even told her, that I’d admired her, because seeing and knowing where she had come, in the midst, of all the difficulties in her life, whether or not she liked it, she’d still, lived on, using her own methods.

I’d come to understand my own mother, through the “needs of a man”, when she married my father, she was only nineteen, they were, more than twenty years apart in age, could there be, that there was, a huge part of her life, that never quite was satisfied?  I’d also come to realize, that even though my father is a Mr. Nice-Guy, he did have, a ton of the traditional values, such a young life, married to my father, without any forms of fun or entertainment, it must’ve been, so unfair to my mother.

With a change of a thought, I’d gotten myself out of the grief I’d felt for so very long, made peace with my own mother.  This year on Chinese New Year, by tradition, the children would head over to our birth mother’s place to give her the red envelopes, then, head home, to my father and my stepmother, to have our New Year’s Eve supper together.  I can, finally, enjoy, this hard-to-come-by family get-together on New Year’s Eve this year.

And so, this, is the process of how a man finally found the closure that he needed to have, in order, to move on, with the rest of his life, it wasn’t at all easy, for him, to forgive himself, and his own mother, for her leaving him and his siblings behind, but, he was able to, consider his own mother’s perspectives, and, understood why she did what she had done, and this still took, a lot of hard work to achieve, and this man, had done it, finally!!!

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, Healing Process, Letting Go, Observations, Overcoming Obstacles, Professional Opinions, Properties of Life, Socialization, Translated Work, Turning One's Life Around, Turning Over a New Leaf, Values

Risen from the Ashes

Like a phoenix, we had, risen from the ashes, but, say that we weren’t scorched from before would be a total L-I-E!!!  Risen from the ashes, you must, otherwise, you’ll just be mistook for those dusts that gathered around the house, that someone will eventually get around to wiping off…

Risen from the ashes, it won’t be easy, after all, getting burned is still the easiest part, now comes the hard part, building everything back up, with nothing provided to you, because everything you’d taken to be familiar, had all become, ashes.

Risen from the ashes, you will, you MUST, otherwise, you will, be gone, and, you don’t want that, do you???  Risen from the ashes, we will all get, at least, ONE chance in our lives to do so, but, some of us were able to, and not others, why is that??? Risen from the ashes, I had, and, I got burned too, and yet, I’m still in one piece here, and, I guarantee that this process would be extremely hard, but, once you’d done it, once you’d conquered all the difficulties of your own lives, I promise you, that you will, see that big blue sky, opening wide for you!

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Filed under Cause & Effect, From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Life, Overcoming Obstacles, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Turning Her Life Around, Work Hard, to Reach Success

The features of a woman, translated…

A few days ago, my mother told me that Auntie Mei-Ju’s grandson was getting married, and, because the banquet is going to be in Taipei, she’d appointed me, to go with her.

Auntie Mei-Ju was the first neighbors that my parents bumped into right after they were married, and started renting the house, my father was a professional serviceman, most of the times, he’d spent, in the platoons, only on weekends or his days off could he come home, but gladly, our neighbors are very passionate, it’d allowed my mother, who’s newly wedded and away from home, adapt quickly to her life.  I’d heard mom talked of Auntie Mei-Ju’s life, it’s exactly like that Japanese soap opera “Shin”.  Mom said, that Auntie Mei-Ju went up to Taipei with her husband to work, but, they’d failed in their small business ventures, later on, her husband found a job as a janitor in a major hospital, and, the family of five lived, a little bit above the poverty lines.  But, their ordinary life didn’t last long, one day, as Auntie Mei-Ju’s husband was headed to work, he was hit by a car, and died, back then, she was only a little bit older than thirty, and, the three kids are still in their elementary years, their predicaments are truly, heartbreaking.

But gladly, the group leader of the cleaning team at the hospital helped Auntie Mei-Ju get the job that her husband took formerly, and so, Auntie Mei-Ju got on the formal payroll of the hospital, she’d worked hard, cleaning the hospitals, after she got off at night, she’d moonlighted as a dishwasher, worked hard, to make the family’s ends meet.

Auntie Mei-Ju’s best quality is that she doesn’t nickel and dime, whenever the nurses asked her to help out with something, she’d always helped out, and be on call.  Once, because a certain department head surgeon was out to a meeting, and was reminded that his car was dirty, asked her to wipe his car down for him as a favor, later on, the department head surgeon had commended her on making his car shined.

Since, there were a ton of doctors who’d asked her to polish their cars for them, and, every month, the doctors would give her the money, as they wanted to, sometimes, up to a couple of thousand dollars at a time.  My Auntie Mei-Ju didn’t know a thing about investing, and just used her own wages as a janitor at the hospital, and polished the cars on the sides, and, invested money with the hospital staff, she’d worked hard, to provide for her household, and, whenever someone from the neighborhood was selling their houses, she’d gone, and bravely, make an offer.  Many years later, Auntie Mei-Ju was actually able to buy three old apartments in Taipei, to allow all three of her sons to have their separate living spaces after they wed, and because they all lived close to one another, they’d looked after one another too.

Even though Auntie Mei-Ju had it hard when she was younger, but, she’d carried herself with the “hardworking mannerisms”, she’d finally turned her own life around.  Maybe, it’s like my mom said, as the roads come to an end, turn back around, you can surely, find other opportunities that are available to you too.

So, this, is the success of a hardworking woman, she’d given everything she has, worked hard, and, because of her hardworking attitude, it’d gotten her the commends, and, now, she’s living easy, but, that’s not to overlook all of her hardships from before, she’s just, reaping the fruits she’d sown from previously.

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