Category Archives: Despair

All the Hurtful Things You’d Said to Me

I wish that I can say, that none of it mattered, but, it’d still, affected me, but, I’m slowly, becoming, desensitized to it.  All the hurtful things you’d said to me, had become, something, that fueled me, those awful words that had, gotten too deep, into my ear canals, had finally, made me deaf!

what it felt like at the beginning…not my photo…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, after so many years, it’d, still hurt, but, a little less every single day, and, I suppose, that one day, all the hurtful things you’d said to me, will NO longer affect me, it’s just, that that day, hadn’t, “arrived” yet…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they don’t matter now, I’d become stronger, hearing all the hurtful things you’d said to me, and, they no longer, hurt me anymore, they’d become, nothing more than those cold winter winds that cuts through the skin on the surfaces now……………

and now…

no longer “registering”, ‘cuz I’d, tuned you O-U-T!!!

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they’d, become, this never-healing infection of my childhood days, and growing up, I’d, carried all my scars that marked my body, and now, as I’d become, an adult, those scars became scabs, and, underneath those ugly scabs, there are, newly, grown-in layers of skin, waiting to come out.

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Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Being Exposed, Bullying, Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Despair, Downward Spiral, Interpersonal Relations, Lessons, Life, Miscelaneous, Obstacles in a Relationship, Things Left Behind

When You’re Far Away, My Thoughts Seem Astray

It’s like, you’re, in control of my thoughts, ‘cuz when you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, they are lost, with no way, to get back home, to me again…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, my thoughts drifted, to where you are, in the distance, leaving me, with nothing. When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, no matter how I’d called out to them, they just, won’t come willingly home!

not my picture…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, oh, how I hate, to allow you, to plague my thoughts, and yet, I can’t, exorcise you out of my mind, no matter how hard I’d tried to. When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, I sit, in this, empty house, waiting, waiting, waiting, for hours on end, for my thoughts, and you, to finally, return again…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, they’d, flown toward where you are, and, no matter how loudly I’d screamed at them to come back, they won’t, not until, you’d, come home to me…………

When you’re far away, my thoughts seemed astray, and you’re now, very far from where I am, and, so, I’d, let go of my thoughts, figured, that they will, eventually come back to me, after they’d had enough of you, just like you’d always, come back to me again!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Codependence, Dependency, Despair, Enmeshment, Life, Loss, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, The Fate of a Woman, Wake Up Calls

My Turn to Take Care of You This Time

From the mind of a son, translated…

The year that I’d interned at the emergency room, I’d always feared that my father would become one of the patients, every time I’d heard on the announcement system, that there was an unknown male patient, I’d always gone to check.  My father had been ill a long time, one morning, he had a stroke, was found by a neighbor, to be lying at the park, having a seizure, but after being treated, he’d gotten stabilized, and can now, live on his own.

I can’t believe, that my father who’d always been so strong, how he’d missed the signs of him growing weaker, back then, I’d spent all of my waking hours on my post, learned to ask the patients what was the matter, and how to treat their difficulties, and, in this busyness, I’d gotten a call, as I’d dialed back, it was, a stranger, telling me about my father’s conditions, how ironic!  My heart became twitched and tangled, I’d immediately rushed to the other hospital, saw my father, panting hard, at a corner of the emergency room; what’s worse was, I’d worked through the days and the nights, and neglected to ask him how he was, and was completely clueless about his mental and physical health.

I should’ve known, that my father had concealed his condition from me, because he didn’t want me to worry, I should’ve gotten that something wasn’t right from how fatigued he looked, all those knowledge I’d learned from medical school allowed me to look at every patient’s situations subjectively, but, I couldn’t see clearly what was going on with those I loved………I’d started doubting my love toward my father now, compared to those who’d kept me up all night long, thinking over their conditions, I don’t even know when was the last time my dad went to his doctor’s appointment, must there be a give and take between a greater kind of love and the love you have for those who are close to you?

There was a time, when I’d gotten trapped in the emotions of self-blame, before my father’s bed, I’d looked over his charts hard, trying to find a way, to make this love I have for him complete; but, what surfaced into my mind was not the medical knowledge, but the days my father and I spent together.  The tears of regrets stained my white robe, and, it was, as if my father heard my helpless cries, he’d worked hard, opened up his eyes, and told me, to not worry so much, word by word.

My father couldn’t control his drool, and, it’d slowly overflowed from the corner of his lips, I’d wiped it up lightly, I didn’t want someone else to look after him again, even as my father ushered me to head back to work, I’d still told him no.  This time, I want to, keep watch over my father, as his son.

And this, is how someone had become too focused on his job, that he’d forgotten about how important family is, but gladly, he’d gotten that wake up call just in time.

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Filed under Despair, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, On Death & Dying, Parent-Child Interactions, Professional Opinions, Properties of Life, Socialization

Her Life in Picture

On her funeral, her families and friends put together a slide show of her life in pictures, kinda like the ones played at those weddings???

It’d started out with her as an infant, her first step, her first word, so many firsts, to be recalled.  Her life had been a run-on, like the sentence?  She just, kept going, going, going, ‘til she’s finally gone, and, the story of her life, it’d played on, like a projector that’s broken, it just, looped around, endlessly, guess that, would be how her life was, huh?

Her life in pictures, there were ups, and downs, and, a whole lotta in-betweens, and, none of that mattered now, she’s gone, and, she’d managed to change so many lives, and, brightened up people’s lives with her mere presence, and, although she was real young when she’d passed away, nobody can disagree, that in her short life, she’d made the most of her time here.

Her life in pictures, but how?  How can someone’s life, be reduced to a few pictures?  After all, a person is changing, growing, every single day, and, there’s NO way possible, that anybody can manage to capture every single breath the someone takes………

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Filed under Cost of Living, Despair, Loss, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Story-Telling

The Assistant to the Coach of a Youth Baseball League Molested Over Ten Members of the Team

And no, I still did NOT make this SHIT up, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

There were cases of sexual molestation that occurred in an elementary school and middle school youth baseball team, the eighteen-year-old assistant coach’s rape on a total of ten victims, the detectives, the social services department, as well as the Department of Education set up a specialty squad to investigate in secrecy, after they’d inquired all the students on the team, yesterday, they’d charged Chen, the assistant coach with obstructions to sexual freedom.

“The assistant coach molested me!”, during the middle of March this year, the primary coach of the team asked the students “do you have any comments or questions?”, one of the students raised up his hands, and others followed, and stated, that they were all, sexually molested too, and that, was when the victim students learned, that they were not, the only one who was victimized, the coach believed that this was serious, he’d immediately notified the authorities, and, as the investigations continued, the D.A. and the Department of Education found, that there were, a total of ten children who fell victim.

The victim students told the D.A., that during January and February of this year, at the dormitories of the team, at the assistant coach’s home, in the hotels, Chen the assistant coach had fellated, had anal sex, and, fondled them.  After the case bust open, Chen wrote out a confession, apologizing to his students and the students’ families.

The D.A. found out, that Chen, the assistant coach, because he was an adult, had sexually molested and raped six students, and, after he came of age, he’d forced his students to have sex with him, seven times, and forcefully sexually molested them three time, sexually harassed them twice, the victims were mostly still in elementary school.  As the D.A. went to conduct a search at Chen’s residence, they’d found there was a collection of kiddie porn in his collection from online, and, on the fifth day upon being notified of Chen’s bad behaviors, the D.A. believed that he was at flight risk, and that he may destroy the evidence, asked the courts to take him into custody, which the courts allowed for.

And so, this is a man with priors, and yet, god knows HOW many young victims had there been already, and this time, someone decided to speak up (finally!), and thus, end this losers rape, sexual molestation on the younger children.

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Filed under Abuse, Abusing Someone's Trust, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Despair, Immoral Behaviors, Improper Behaviors of an Adult, Improper Behaviors of School Instructors, Innocence Lost, Issues of the Society, Issues on Gender, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, Loss, Messed Up Values, News Stories, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, sexual misconducts, Slaps on the Wrist, Social Awareness, Social Issues, The Price of Virginities, Unsafe in the Schools, Vicious Cycle, Violence in the Media, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

The Face I Will NEVER See Again, on Losing Someone You Loved

Translated…

That Friday, I knew, I will never, see that face again.

I was raised, by my maternal grandmother, when my younger brother was born, my mother dropped me off at my grandma’s, recalling how steep the stairs to the second floor was, how my grandmother would carry me on her back up and down, and I’d never forgotten how warm, her back felt, against my chest, and, maybe, it’s because of this, I’d felt this especially close attachment to my maternal grandmother, every single thing that troubled me, I’d tell her about it.

My grandmother was slimly built, her skin had lost its elasticity, but, her eyes still shone brightly, it’s, as if, a young girl lives inside of her, ready to come out, at any moment, filled her with energy.  Every time I’d told her about my troubles, she would, slap my hands, told me, “Everything is bound to work out.”, this line, and her eyes, had given me the courage I’d needed in times.

With that sort of bright eyes, I thought, that my grandmother could live to a hundred, but, I was, wrong.

What crushed grandma was a serious illness, it came too fast, too hard.

As everybody was gathering in the hospital ward, discussing the treatment options, my grandmother who lay there, on the bed became especially thin and frail, with that emptiness in her eyes; I’d gone up to her, held on to her, and cried, but, my grandmother blinked, and, it’s, as if, that young adolescent girl started, dancing once more, in her eyes, and her face became filled with life once more.

“Don’t cry, you’re a boy, or, grandma will laugh at you, grandma’s just a bit tired is all.”, she’d slapped my hand, smiled, told me, “Everything will work out.”, the next day when I woke up, I went to go wake grandma up, and those eyes, they, never, opened back up again.

I didn’t ring for the doctor or the nurses, just, stared, at that face, with the jumpiness of a teenage girl, and then, there were, a few drops of water on her face; as I’d reached my hand to wipe it away, I’d realized, that the water, it came, from my own eyes, drip, drip, drip, the tears started falling down like rain, I couldn’t stop it, I didn’t want it to stop either.

“Everything will work itself out,” my grandma’s voice, seemed to ring in my ears, but, she’s a LIAR, I’d started crying, too hard that I couldn’t stand back up again.  There will, NEVER, be a way again.

And so, this, is how a boy, grieved for the loss of his own grandmother, and, because he was, raised by her, that, was why her death hit him, especially hard.

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Filed under Despair, Family Matters, Lessons, Life, Loss, On Death & Dying, Socialization

She Who Died Seemed to Have Been a Victim of Bullying, the Seven Suspects Were From the Same Village as She

Here’s some background information, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

Chiu who was mildly retarded was from a special condition family, she lives with her single father, and, both her parents, and her older siblings had mental and physical disabilities.

Chiu’s father had found his daughter not returned to home on the night when she was murdered, but, because of his mental disability, he didn’t call the police until yesterday; the school that Chiu goes to, on the day of the crime, had started calling up the father, asking about where his daughter was, and he’d told them, that “she was with her mother”, “She’d gone to stay with her godmother.”

Chiu had written, “I really don’t like getting mad, I hope all my friends can be happy every day”, on the fourth of this month, “help me through this hard time?”, “I’m really sad, depressed, I don’t know what to do, I hope that there’s someone close by to protect me, to accompany me………”, the police suspected that she’d been troubled by bullying and getting singled out by a group.

The person who’d counseled Chiu from before said, that she’d had the habits of stealing things, but, her nature is still good, and would head to the home to deliver the medications for her older sister by the week.  Before she died, Chiu had often hung out at a net café, the owner of the net café told, that Chiu hung out with a group of elementary and middle school aged kids, and would spend one to two hours at a time in the shop, the police suspected that, that, was how she’d gotten involved with Lin and other suspects.

The p9olice said, that the seven involved people are all from the same village, when they were called, they all appeared very calm, seemed to not have any remorse for causing the death of the middle school girl at all, and, toward the end, only a man named Gu started showing remorse and started crying, and told of the hole thing.

The two young children who were involved, Hsieh called the primary suspects, Lin and He as uncles, and the neighbor, Tseng, was her tag-along. Based off of understanding, Hsieh’s father is a repeated suspect in chopping down trees illegally, currently serving time in prison, her older brother is in juvenile detention, yesterday, her mother who’d accompanied her to give her statements left her early in the afternoon.  The school told, that the two children would often skip school for no reasons, and they didn’t understand what kinds of crowds they’re involved with, and that they’re going to work, to counsel the specific cases from here on out.

Lin and Huang called one another husband and wife, but, they’re not married, their daughter in her early teens goes to elementary school.  Yesterday, as the press asked Huang how she could be so cruel to someone who’d the same age as her own child, Lin started staring the interviewers down angrily.  When Lin was interviewed, he’d even claimed, that he was only taking Chiu (the victim) to the parks to hang, and claimed, “can you stop asking me these questions now?”

And so, this, is how violent they’re getting, and, it’s all because one person of the gang felt taken, and, the rest of the “followers” had gone, and MURDERED someone in such brutal manner, and, that, is how peer pressures, and the need to be accepted by a group works in children in the younger years.

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Filed under Abuse, Cause & Effect, Despair, Lives Lost, Messed Up Values, Observations, Properties of Life, Vicious Cycle, Violence Against Members of Opposite Sex, Wrongful Deaths