Category Archives: Suppressed Memories

The House of Her, Nightmared Past…

How many nightmares, can a house, “hold”???  She kept wondering, as she got out of that house she grew up in…

The house of her, nightmared past, she’d tried so hard to, escape from, to get away, but, no matter how far she’d, drifted from that nightmared house where she grew up, her mind always, dragged her ass back!

things that continued to hurt her that she can’t, get away, from…photo from online

The house of her, nightmared past, where she’d been, tortured, raped (it wasn’t “physical”, or so she’d, recalled…), and left for dead, but she’d, not died, because, she’s still, right here (don’t ask where!)…

The house of her, nightmared past, she couldn’t, outrun, it’d, become, a part of her, long, long, long ago, before she, grew up!  That house of her, nightmared past, it’ll, always be right there, in her mind, NO matter how hard she’d tried to erase that part of her childhood, it won’t, “go away”, that, easily…………….

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Filed under Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suppressed Memories, White Picket Fence

Trekking These Streets of the, Past…

Trekking these streets of the, past, it’d brought back, many, memories…

Trekking these streets of the, past, don’t know which sort of ghosts I’ll, bump into, and frankly, I’m a bit, scared here.  Trekking these streets of the, past, why am I here again, I just, walked this path, not too long ago, and yet, it seemed, that I’m, right back where I, started from, why is that?

with these walls, falling apart, piece, by, piece…photo from online

Trekking these streets of the, past, I’m getting really tired and weary, but, my feet had, put on those, god damn, DANCING shoes that kept going, going, going, all night (like in the story with the princesses who’d, snuck out???), and they just, won’t, allow me to rest for some, reasons.

Trekking these streets of the, past, I don’t want to anymore, I want to just, CAMP my ASS down on the ground, and refuse to walk any longer, like that TWO-YEAR old, but I’m, way past two already, which would make that, unacceptable, behaviors, so, no terrible-two tantrums for me then?

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Filed under Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suppressed Memories, Values

Every Child is Happy in the Amusement Parks

On how cruel the parents can be, without themselves, knowing it, abandoning US, their own FLESH-and-BLOOD!  And yet, we still all, grew, UP…translated…

I still loved taking my children to the Children’s Amusement Park.

As my father was younger, he too, might have understood this also.

It was mildly cooler on that day, thinking back, I suppose that it was at the time when autumn is about to, head into, winter.  The reasons for it, unknown, to me then.  One day as I got up, my father and my mother discussed something in a quiet voice, then, he’d told me to come with him.

That was a day of school, as I recalled, so, why didn’t he bring my younger brother too?

I was staying quiet, and focused on staying quiet, uncurious, but, I was, secretly worrying, that my father was, taking me to sell me off to someone.

what the, amusement park ride looked like to this man when he was only a young boy…photo from online

The drive wasn’t a short one, I’d no longer recalled if I’d shared conversations with my father or not, and, even if I had, I’m sure, I’d only spoken, a few, words, back when my father was younger, he’d not known how to talk to his children.

And finally, we got off the freeway ramps, and it was surprising to me as he’d pulled into the parking lot, the colors of the rainbow came into sight, it was, the rambunctious, loud, Children’s Amusement Park.

Don’t know if anybody recalled the “Tien-Yuan Villa of Doliou”.

My father bought us the fares, and, stuffed a hundred or was it two hundred dollars in my hand (back then, that was, a whole lot of money), told me to go into the park to play, to get myself something to eat if I get hungry.

He’d told me, “before the park closes in the afternoon, I will come, and pick you up.”

And at that moment, I’d understood, that my father took me to get babysat at the Children’s Amusement Park on the day.

How grand was that, I tried hard, to hold back my grin, as my father looked, very serious then.

Shortly, my father sped off, and the old woman who was watching the gates close by, didn’t say a single word.

I’d entered into the park, recalled how I had a ton of, fun, gone on every single right, it was cool, the weather, but I’d, sweated a whole lot on the day.

When I suddenly felt hunger, it was past noon, I bought a corndog, had an orange soda, burped a few times, I felt more than, happy and, satisfied.

what childhood is like, for most of us…photo from online

I’d stuffed myself then, time for the Haunted House, I’d not dared entered since I got there in the early morn.

I saw a couple, who were, smiling very radiantly as I was standing in line, looked like they were, checking into a motel or something.

Thinking back, it was, quite, metaphorical, that a couple entered into a haunted mansion together.

They may get married in the future, and, maybe, they will become, someone’s parents, and, bumped into a ton of, scarier things than ghosts, and some of which will probably be too hard for them to handle, but, so long as they still shared the love, they will probably be able to, laugh, about it.

I’m scared of ghosts, and couldn’t even, open my eyes, and just, clung on to that older girl’s shirttail all the way, thankfully, she’d not found me a nuisance, she was like a mother, held me close, gently.

Don’t worry, it’s all, fake, she’d, told me.

Exiting the Haunted Mansion, I’d passed the couple by, don’t know why, I’d started, feeling, something weird.

I’d felt, very, alone, so suddenly.

Lost my sense of play then, just, sat on the benches, by the, trash can, watching the people go to and from, envied how they were laughing, and crying too.

As the evening came, I’d not noted that it had, until the song “Goodnight” by the singer came on, chasing the visitors, out.  As the skies grew dark, everybody was then, exiting, I’d started worrying then, worried over time, and, I’d, waited and waited, and waited, until, there was, absolutely, NOBODY else around, then, I’d, stumped, outside.

The elderly woman who was watching the gates, smiled and saw me off, still, without a single, word.

I’d turned around for one last look, the amusement park was then, taken over by darkness, without the sounds of joys, or the, color, and I’d felt, that the amusement park is also, lonely, that what she wanted, wasn’t to say goodbye to me, but for me, to go in again, to be with her.

Maybe, the Children’s Amusement Park WAS, the loneliest place on earth, so, that’s why, people always go there, together.

I’d waited for my father outside, tired, and cold too, the skies was completely, darkened, to the color of the blood, red, the car drove off one by one, the crowds, left, to the point, that I could, no longer, see my own, self anymore.

As my father’s headlights showed, the skies had, lost color completely then, even the elderly woman who kept the gates had gone home already.

Ahhhhhh!  Closed so soon!  He’d gotten out, and, blurted out this, lie.

I’d, believed him.

At the time, I still had two younger brother, and could understand it, the every parent had a different mode of making their, marriage work, but, they were all like, the Children’s Amusement Park, bitter, lonely, and in pain on the inside.

Until I became all grown up, with children of my own, I’d still prayed, that every child, when they were taken to the Children’s Amusement Parks, they are, happy.

And so, this, is how we all, grew up, being, abandoned by our parents, physically, and/or, psychologically/emotionally, because, our parents are all, ill-fitted, unequipped, to “handle” their own young, US, and that, is how children lose their, innocence, in their, younger years, without them ever, realizing that they had already been, “stolen”…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Broken Promises, Childhood, Growing Up Too Fast, Memories Shared, Perspectives, Suppressed Memories, Things Left Behind, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

His Face

His face, a monster, that will, NEVER be, erased from my mind…

His face, that’s, haunted me since, and I don’t EVER see him anymore out there, on the streets anymore.

His face, that will, NEVER go away, etched, into my mind, branded onto, my heart, and, no laser surgical removal of this, permanent SCAR will EVER get it off of me.

His face, a face that’s obscene, that just, kept, gawking at me, at us, women, with the, HUGE breasts, with their, long legs in their, super short shorts…

His face, it will, NEVER go away, not for me, for I remembered, EVERYTHING that’s done to me, since I was very young still, and yet, I’d, erased him out of my mind, as a, person.

he used to come, every single night!

photo from online

His face, I no longer took a note of, he no longer, existed, in this, world I live in!  His face, smeared now, and I can’t, even, recall it, but if I focused my mind, I can, make it out, almost, I guess…

His face, the face of the man who’d, raped me, how can I, forget?  He’d, attacked me, every single night when I close my eyes, he’s, the very first thing I see, when I wake in the morn, he’s, everywhere I am, even though, he’d already been, dead (and no, I still did NOT, “murder” him either!), for…how many years had it been again???  Can’t remember, when the last time I saw him, lurking ‘round the corner of that street………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Awareness, From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Innocence Lost, Life, Properties of Life, Suppressed Memories, Vicious Cycle, White Picket Fence

The Asian-German Version of #MeToo the Victims Chose to Selectively Forget, Not Dared Told Their Loved Ones They’d Been Sexually Harassed

The braveness of this woman, finally remembering what had happened, and decided to speak up and about of her own sexual abuse by a man of high status, that her families trusted, and she’s still not his only victim, her younger sister was molested too, and god knows how many there were in the unknowns that still hadn’t, come out yet!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The Nightmares that Persisted for Long-Term, Hoped “There will NEVER be Another Victim”

“I kept thinking, had I started screaming, scolding him, then, maybe, there wouldn’t be so many, victims now?” Z (a false identity of the victim) was raised in Taiwan, in 2009, she’d moved to Germany to marry, her husband, Wang is a Chinese language student at Hamburg University locally, at a gathering, she’d mentioned that she’d been troubled long-term of back aches, and Wang claimed that he knew the means of massage therapy based off of the systems of the body, invited the couple to his home for the physical therapy sessions, and she’d not known, that this caused her to have the nightmares for many years that followed.

The three victims were interviewed by UDN, through the webcam chats, they’d described what happened.  As Z was sexually harassed, her husband was close by.  She’d described, that her husband and Wang’s wife were close by on the couch, carrying on in conversations, Wang put a huge towel over her body, then, put his hand inside the towel, and caressed her breasts, as he’d molested her, he’d claimed, that the acupressure points will help the uterus function better.  She’d described her body as being in a catatonic state then, and until they left the home of Wang, she’d told her husband what had happened to her during the massage, and, she’d not gone to the authorities, and blamed herself for allowing him to molest her to this very day.

L (a false name) is the youngest of all the known victims.  She was in Taiwan when Wang molested her, back then, Wang worked for the Central Research Institute, before she was to set out to head to Germany for her studies, because her family was acquainted with Wang, Wang told her he would give her German lessons, invited her into his office for the lessons, and as she’d arrived, she’d found, that it wasn’t his office, but his dorm instead.  As Wang taught her German, he’d put his hand on her shoulders, and started massaging her, then had her lie down to keep massaging her, claimed that Germany is open on this sort of thing, that there would be those who are nude, tanning, and in the end, he’d put his hands down her clothes.

As L left the Central Research Institute, her father waited for her at the gates.  As Wang accompanied her out of the gates, she’d gotten into her father’s car, and asked him to drive to the next place, “everything seemed to be normal”.  She’d not dared disclosed what happened to her to the family, until she’d met W and her sister who were also both from Taiwan, and that was when she realized, that she wasn’t alone in being sexually molested by Wang, that W was also, a victim too.  And, as the group of victims who were interviewed, W had been found among one of the most severely impacted.

W became acquainted with Wang in her elementary years, her families had supported Wang to head over to Russia for his studies.  W told, that since Wang became acquainted with her mother, he’d started noting himself as W’s uncle, and gained her family’s trust.  After Wang was married, he’d moved to Germany, and invited her and her sister to travel, he took advantage of when her younger sister went out, started molesting W at her own home, during the time he’d molested her, he kept claiming, “I’m doing something that helps you using acupressure points!”

Afterwards, Wang went to her home multiple times, and she’d pretended she wasn’t in, and not answered the door.  Once, Wang lied to her, that his wife would be coming by, and as she’d opened her door, he’d attempted to molest her again, she’d screamed at him, “Don’t touch me!”.  Wang went from shock to anger, even Wang’s wife couldn’t understand why she’d reacted so strongly.  She’d escaped back to Taiwan, and, at the start of the year, she saw the setting up of the Heidelberg Taiwanese Mandarin Learning Center being set up, and saw his photo in the groundbreaking, she was shocked, “he’s back!”

She told, that it’d been over a decade since she was sexually molested, she’d dealt with it by blocking the memories out, and not thought back to what had happened then.  Even to the day before the interview with the papers, her mother still asked her, “if  he’d touched you, why did you not bite him?”, she was hurt, but can understand it, because those who’d not been, sexually harassed had, responded like her mother had too, she felt difficult, as she’d written the whole process of what had happened to her down, and gained the support from her entire family, hoping, that Wang will be punished by the law, that this can help stop the authorities from protecting one of their own, “to let there never be another victim again!”

And, this woman is brave, to finally, speak up and out about what happened, but unfortunately, there will always be, the next victim, just not by this particular perpetrator, but there will always be the victims, because the world gets into the habits of blaming the victims when something like this happens, and even as the #MeToo movement is starting to trend everywhere in the world right now.

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Filed under Abuse, Abuse of Power, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Crime & Punishment, Punishment Doesn't Fit the Crime, Rapes, Sexual Assaults, Suppressed Memories, Violence Against Members of Opposite Sex, White Picket Fence

What I Couldn’t, Recall, from Before…

What I couldn’t, recall, from before, it all came, flooding back, into my mind, too fast, I can’t, process them, and the dusts never, settled down fully, nothing was, calm, again!

What I couldn’t, recall, from before, why are they, all hitting me hard now?  Why do I need to, remember, all of these things of pain from my younger years, why can’t my mind, just, keep me, deceived, as it’d done before, huh?

difficulties accessing the memories locked inside the brains! Image from online

What I couldn’t, recall, from before, it’d all, come back out, of the darkness of my, unconscious, passing through the grays of the, subconscious, into, the consciousness that’s me!  What I couldn’t, recall, from before, they’re all coming back, one by one, a fact here, a fact there, several on a day, none on the next, too many to cope on the following day after that.

Until, until, everything that’s happened to me in the past, presented themselves, collectively, to me, inside, that, Pandora’s, box………

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Awareness, Childhood, Children Murdered, Domestic Violence, Innocence Lost, Life, Negligence, Properties of Life, Suppressed Memories

A Part of My Past, that I Just, Don’t Want to, Re-Visit…

“It’s just a part of my past that I just, don’t want to, re-visit again!”

And that was all she, wrote…

But, you can’t help but wonder, what had, happened to her when she was so young, that made her, shut away, all those, memories of old, and, being as young and innocent as you, you kept on, prodding, prodding, prodding her.

Until she had enough of you, badgering her nonstop, and finally, snapped!

what that looked like, for her…

illustration from online

And, you’d come to know, that there’s, that taboo on the past, that you are never supposed to, mention to her about, and, that taboo, it’d, tagged along, as you grow older…

A part of my past, that I just, don’t want to, revisit again, and yet, it kept on, visiting, revisiting me, when I close my eyes at night, I can’t even, ward them off (like evil???), every night as I lay myself down to sleep at night (prayed my soul the lord to keep, yada, yada, yada!), they always, come back, to haunt me.

A part of my past, that I just, don’t’ want to, revisit again, and, despite how I wanted to, leave those memories behind, they can’t stay suppressed forever, even as I’d, worked too hard, casting them out of my mind during the day, there’s no way, of warding them off at night, as they manifest themselves, and became those horrible things that frightened me in my dreams………

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Filed under Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

That Excellent Catcher

Memories of our own, childhood years, how this young boy, became, a man, the day he stood up, against, his own, father, translated…

Back when he was younger, my father was almost to the point of, abusive, harsh, disciplinarian.  He’d often used physical measure to punish us, the time I remembered the deepest was how I got strung up by the beams of my home, with my hands tied behind my back, and beaten up by him; and sometimes, my mother would be, beaten alongside us too.

And, just like all those, tragedies, with, too many, reasons, too many, excuses, and, with the erosions of decades of time, almost everything had been, forgotten in details; but, the heavy, burdensome fragmented memories would still, surface back up from time to time.  At around ten years of age, when you weren’t as tall as mom, you’d, fearfully stood by her side, watched your father eat his breakfast, as he’d, grilled your mother.  You can’t remember what he was so angry about, just that he’d, picked up an empty bowl, and, thrown it at your mother, who’s no more than three meters away from where he’d sat.

Maybe it was, instincts, reflex, maybe?  You’d, moved your feet, turned to the side, extended your arms, and, everything happened, lightning, fast, like with help from above, you’d, magically, blocked that bowl that came flying toward your own mother; the bowl was like a fly ball, after hitting your arms, rolled on down, a couple of times, and, halted, unbroken, on the, floors.

from being helpless like this…photo from online

You’d not cried out in pain, and was, shocked, and glad, that the bowl didn’t, get, shattered.  Perhaps, your father, in the midst his anger too, was, surprised, couldn’t believe, how the fast ball he’d, thrown, was, caught, by the kid who’d, never, practiced any catching skills, and, gave him an, out!

Afterwards, you’d never asked what was going through your mother’s, mind the.  The awful memories, ought to be, forgotten, just like you’d longed that you could, wanting to know, what you did was right, or was it wrong, in the moment it’d, occurred.

Many years later, you were, married, and your wife told you, that your mother, who wasn’t at all, talkative, had, mentioned it, many times to her in private, almost once every time they saw each other.  And mom was, smiling, with that sense of, comfort, “Ahhhhhhhh, that young boy…was…certainly, an, amazing, catcher all right!”

So, this, is a young boy’s action, to protect his own mother, from his own father’s, abuse, and, it must’ve been, a very, difficult childhood, to grow up in an environment so volatile, when you don’t know when your fathers are going to come home, and blow up at your mothers, and yet, this young boy stood up, and SHOWED his father, put an end to the father’s, hurting his own, mother.

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Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Childhood, Life, Properties of Life, Suppressed Memories, White Picket Fence

The Fragmented Memories of His Forgotten Childhood Now Slowly, Remembered…

The memories of what he’d tried desperately to recall but couldn’t, all came back to the surfaces again…

The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood now slowly, remembered, because, he was, finally, ready for them now.  The fragmented memories of his forgotten childhood, a childhood, full of, darkness, of pain, of hardships had been, blocked out of his awareness, for survival’s sake, and now, as he’d, survived those years, he finally started to, remember.

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, to say the impact was less, was a total, lie, because it wasn’t, but now he’d, matured, he could, better deal with them, more effectively, unlike how he may have dealt with them, had they come back to him, earlier.

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the nightmares of the past all came back to life! Sketch from online

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered.  What do you want from me?  He’d asked them, and, received, NO replies, because his past had been, dead a long, long, long time, and it takes them awhile, to finally, come back to life again!

The fragmented memories of his childhood, now slowly, remembered, it was painful, but, as he’d, reexperienced all the moments of trauma of his younger years, he’d reminded himself, that he wasn’t, that helpless young child anymore, and he was better able to cope with everything, like he was, watching a movie of his own, childhood trauma, as an, outsider…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Children in Mindset, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Suppressed Memories

A Bad Dream that Got Tucked Away, in Her, Deep Sleep…

There’s, that bad dream that got, tucked away, in her, deep sleep, she tried, to, extracted it out, but she couldn’t, it’d, ingrained itself, attached it self, too deep, into, her, deep sleep now.

A bad dream that got tucked away, in her, deep sleep, she couldn’t understand W-H-Y, or how it’d gotten there, why won’t it just, leave her, alone?  A bad dream that got tucked away, in her, deep sleep, that’s, her problem then?  To never feel, fully, rested, because even when she looked like she was, sound asleep from the outside, she’s being, troubled, by that bad dream that’s, tucked away, in her, deep sleep.

She’d run around in circles in her sleep nonstop, like those princesses in their dancing shoes that couldn’t stop dancing through the nights, and her mind raced in her sleep, and she’d, waken in the morn, feeling, tired as ever!

what she experiences…photo found online

A bad dream that got tucked away, in her, deep sleep, she’d, finally realized, that it can’t go on like this, she needed to, find the roots of everything that’s caused her, insomnia, and she went under hypnosis, and, the session revealed something so shocking to her, that she’d, blacked out.

A bad dream that got tucked away, in her, deep sleep, it’s now, found its exit, into her , consciousness, it’d, found that, entry point, and got that spotlight on that stage inside her mind, demanding, ALL of her, undivided, attention!

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Filed under Abuse, Life, Properties of Life, Suppressed Memories