Category Archives: Enmeshment

Please Let Go, and Trust in Me, Having an Overbearing Mother

The problem here, is still NOT with the daughter, but with the mother, but, does she realize it???  Of course N-O-T, translated…

From awhile ago, on the news, a certain organization had been losing money by the year, the second-generation owner decided to sell of the office building, for cash, the founder, as he was, interviewed, stated, “My heart ached as my son did it, but now, I’d, trusted in his decisions entirely!”

This pair of father and son made me so envious, and at the same time, I’d, felt heartache for them both, because how I’d, wished that my own mother, can trust me like this father had his own son too.

From the views of the world, I guess, I’m, the pride of my parents: made high grades, gone to an all-star institution, and, managed to pass the exams for a public office on my very first try, I’d never needed my parents to worry over my school performances or my work.

Although my mother stated verbally, that I’d, done well for myself, but she’d, never had faith, that I can, handle things on my own, whether it be how I’d spent my money, how to treat others I meet, whether to have children after I married, who should care for my child if s/he was born…………my mother’s criticisms came at me, never-ending, “it’s for your sake”, was her most widely used phrase, and her weapon.

She’d never understood, that what she’d believed to be a show of care and concern, her nagging, was interpreted as how she didn’t trust me enough, I’d tried to tell her, but her response was always, “Those with your last names, can’t take any criticisms from others!”

When I was interning, I’d, lived at home, I’d had a crash on a rainy day, and, as I’d, bent my knees, my injuries started bleeding, but I’d not let my mother know, I’d, bent down, holding the pains in, as I’d helped clean up the house, until my mother rode out to get the groceries, and found the head of the motorcycle dented, that, was when she’d, found out.  I’d gotten into another, serious crash after I was married, and, it’d been years to this very day, I’d still, not told my parents what had happened to me.

Of the two wrecks I got in, I was, very scared, but I knew, that other than feeling anxious over me, and nagging me, my parents couldn’t do anything for me, and they’d, surely, blamed me, for being, too careless too.  And so, no matter how painful, I’d much rather, hide the truth from them.

I’d never doubted the love my mother had for me, but every time, as I’d, wanted to show affection towards her, she’d started, lecturing me, and in the end, she’d added, “Nobody else is going to tell you this, I’m your mother, that was why, for your sake, I’m, telling, you the truth!”  in my mother’s mind, I’ll never be, enough, there are, always things, I can, improve, and, all of my good performances are, matter-of-fact, and yet, the imperfections, are what pricked at her, and she’d needed to, get rid of them.

But, my dearest mother, you know what?  Your daughter may not be perfect, but, she’d always tried very hard, worked hard, can you just, let go, and trust in me?

And, hopefully, this woman’s mother can see this article, and change the way she interacts with her daughter, but, I’m still, NOT holding MY breath, because parents like these, they think what they’re doing, IS for the good of their young, and they just keep on, doing whatever the F*** (maxed out???) they’re doing, using their same old ways, probably because they were, treated as such by their own parents (‘cuz these sorts of SHITS still gets passed down, from one generation to the next, like D.N.A.???) and this daughter is going to, have a very difficult time, getting closer to her mother that’s for sure…

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Filed under Adult Children, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Cost of Living, Enmeshment, Everyone Else's Fault, Family Dynamics, Getting Exposed Too Young, Lessons, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Observations, Overbearing Parents, Overinvolvements of Parents, Parent-Child Interactions, Problems with Grown-Ups, Properties of Life, Psycho Parents, Socialization, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Vicious Cycle, Wake Up Calls

When You’re Far Away, My Thoughts Seem Astray

It’s like, you’re, in control of my thoughts, ‘cuz when you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, they are lost, with no way, to get back home, to me again…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, my thoughts drifted, to where you are, in the distance, leaving me, with nothing. When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, no matter how I’d called out to them, they just, won’t come willingly home!

not my picture…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, oh, how I hate, to allow you, to plague my thoughts, and yet, I can’t, exorcise you out of my mind, no matter how hard I’d tried to. When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, and, I sit, in this, empty house, waiting, waiting, waiting, for hours on end, for my thoughts, and you, to finally, return again…

When you’re far away, my thoughts seem astray, they’d, flown toward where you are, and, no matter how loudly I’d screamed at them to come back, they won’t, not until, you’d, come home to me…………

When you’re far away, my thoughts seemed astray, and you’re now, very far from where I am, and, so, I’d, let go of my thoughts, figured, that they will, eventually come back to me, after they’d had enough of you, just like you’d always, come back to me again!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Codependence, Dependency, Despair, Enmeshment, Life, Loss, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, The Fate of a Woman, Wake Up Calls

Why Couldn’t She Care For Her Own Mother & Older Sister Back Home?

Because we’re already married, and, it’s NO longer our responsibilities to, but we’re still asked to, because we are, daughters!!!  A Q&A, translated…

Mr. C felt taken for his good friend, Madam A’s situation…

The sixty-year-old Madam A since she retired from a teaching post in a public school, she’d gotten the monthly retirement pensions.  Her eighty-five year-old elderly demented mother who had a stroke was left in the care of her never-married, eldest sister, who’d helped put A through her schooling to handle.  But now, her eldest sister is getting older too, and was without a job, and could no longer care for their mother.  A was grateful toward her older sister for her kindness, and thought, that the caretaking of the mother, they should shoulder together, and so, asked her husband if she could use a part of her monthly retirement pension, to put into helping her eldest sister and mother, but, the husband was strong and forceful in denying her the rights, and, put strict restrictions on her accounts.

Later on, A couldn’t put up with how her husband had insulted her own families, left her own home, and, used the money she’d earned to help make the ends of her, her eldest sister, and her mother’s livelihoods meet, but the husband said horrible things about her endlessly.  A wanted to divorce, but she couldn’t abandon her only daughter who is living and working overseas, what, is she to do?

A My Advice…

All the earnings that A brings in, was allotted by her husband, and, the husband treated his own family of origin with generosity, but, his in-laws with stingy, he’d used double-standards.  Her husband had put up the money for his own younger brother during the holidays for a very long time, and even covered the expenses of his trips abroad, and A had never said anything about it.

Four years ago, when A’s mother had surgery on her uterus, she’d put up the medical bills of $50,000N.T. herself, back then, her husband was abroad, and, he’d thrown a FIT after he’d returned, claimed that when his mother-in-law sells the house, he will get the medical expenses back.  And now, her mother became demented and had a stroke, her husband had used even harsher words, “Your mother and eldest sister are the TUMORS of our marriage!  BAGGAGE!”

This never-ending insult, caused A to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, she’d wanted divorced, but worried about the effects it would have on her grown daughter, she couldn’t make up her mind about it.

If A really wanted to divorce, her grown daughter is not the issue here, the important thing is, is there nothing left between her and her spouse.  A must make up her mind, and, making up her mind is: collect the evidence, find an attorney, to protect her own assets, to NOT end up with nothing in old age, after working hard her whole life.

And, I’d imagined that this is still a build up, the husband’s behavior toward her side of the family, and maybe, because the husband was NOT a direct member of her family, meaning that he didn’t HAVE a parent with dementia, or siblings that needed the economic supports, that, was why he was not at all understanding to his own wife’s doing things the way she’d done, and, the money she’d earned, was her, what RIGHT has her husband, to put it into a joint account?  And plus, the husband covers for his own younger brother’s living expenses, even travel fees too, so that, is double-standards that this LOSER is holding!

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Filed under Being Alone, Betrayals, Broken Promises, Choices, Decision-Making, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Despair, Enmeshment, Excuses, Expectations, Issues on Gender, Life, Loss, Marriages, Messed Up Values, Obstacles in a Relationship, Old Age, Perspectives, Planning for the Future, Professional Opinions, Rationalization, Relationship, Socialization, Story-Telling, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, The Declarations of Independence, The Fate of a Woman, Wake Up Calls, Women's Issues

A Fortress of Their Emotions

This, was how I grew up, in a fortress of their emotions, they’d been fighting, ever since I could remember, and, each and every night, when they thought I was asleep, that, was when the noises got SUPER loud.

A fortress of their emotions, they’d kept me jailed up in, and, I couldn’t even be let out, NOT even when I behaved myself, there’s NO end for me, living inside a fortress of their emotions, until, until one day, a man came, whisked me away, I thought, that he was the man that I was destined to spend the rest of my life in the arms of, boy, was I mistaken, because without realizing, I got, sucked, right into a brand new fortress of emotions, except that this time, it was my and his.

A fortress of their emotions, I was raised up in, and, it hurt, through my childhood days, although I never recall hearing them argue about his affair, or how she failed to satisfy him, the emotions still got too loud, it’d become deafening to my ears, and after hearing them spat for the days of my childhood, I’d turned deaf, finally!

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Filed under Bad Parenting Behaviors, Enmeshment, Family Dynamics, Growing Up Too Fast, Messed Up Values

A Son Who Did Nothing All Day Long for 26 Years, His Father Finally Couldn’t Stand it Anymore, Hacked at His Drug-Addicted Son

Finally the father’s had ENOUGH!!!  From the Front Page Sections, translated…

A man named Kuo had been abusing drugs long-term, and does nothing to make his own living, his seventy-two year old father blamed himself for not teaching his son the right kinds of values, yesterday, he’d left a note, saying that they are going to die together, used a knife, hacked up his own son, but, his daughter came home in time, called the police, after the police interrogated the elderly man, they’d booked him for attempted murder.

“There’s nothing more that I can do, just take him away, before he hurts anybody else.”, Kuo’s father blamed himself, for spoiling his own son rotten, and was angry at how his son won’t listen to him to stop using, he’s elderly, with high blood pressure, diabetes, and, the past couple of days, he’d gotten really annoyed at how his son got very loud, causing him to be unable to sleep for four days continuously, early yesterday morn, he’d written out a note, planned to murder his son first, then, commit suicide by jumping off the building.

The police said, that after the father and son had a serious argument, the father hacked the son with the knife, but in the end, he just couldn’t kill him, seeing how his son was bleeding in the head, he’d stopped hacking, but, it’d waken up his daughter and his grandson who live with him.

Kuo who was hurt refused to get treated, the officers had to tie him down to get him on the ambulance, but he’d jumped off, screamed, “I was the one cutting myself up, it has nothing to do with my father!”, after a very long time, the paramedics finally got him to Shinko Hospital for treatment, the four knife wounds from the top of his head caused his skull to fracture, but after the surgery, he’s in stable conditions.

Kuo’s father, when being interrogated, pointed out that at age seventeen, his son had started using drugs, and from his technical high school graduation to now he’s forty-three, he still doesn’t have a stable job, does nothing all day, and he’d been jailed for drug abuse multiple times and still hadn’t changed a bit.  He’d camped out on his couch for the last twenty years, fearing that his son would go out and create trouble in the middle of the night.

And so, the father had finally had it, huh?  Because this son just won’t get cleaned, and that, is just how finally the parents cracked, after putting up with a drug-addicted son for so very long.

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Filed under Addiction, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Despair, Enmeshment, Messed Up Values, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Spoiled Rotten, Substances Abuse

Because You Never Saw

Because you never saw, or, was it, that you just wouldn’t ADMIT it to yourself!  Because you never saw how much I needed you in my childhood years, you just kept beating me up, used me, abused me, then, KICKED me to the curb…

Because you never saw, how fragile, how weak I am, and how I needed you in my childhood years, you’d let my sufferings, to go unnoticed, for several years, and you’re still, abusive toward me, even to this date.

Because you never saw your own flaws, or because you had that pride to wear, like that top hat, who knows, you never admitted to wrongdoing, and I ended up, suffering for it, is that even, fair?  Of course N-O-T!!!

Because you never saw, and so, I was, sacrificed, as that lamb, on the altars of your marriage, and now, as I’m old enough, I will too, SACRIFICE, my own offspring, just as you’d sacrificed me, at the altar of your marriage, I will be, sacrificing my own child, ON the altar of MY own marriage…and there’s nothing I can do, to STOP myself, from making the same parenting mistakes you’d done with me………

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Enmeshment, Negligence, Observations, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Vicious Cycle

When His Mother Started Treating Him Like Her Husband

This would still be, IMPROPER on the adult’s part!

When his mother started treating him like her husband, she’d told him things, things that are too hard, for his young ears to understand, and he felt a TON of unnecessary pressures growing up.

When his mother started treating him like her husband, he’d acted the part, because he didn’t want to be another disappointment like his dad was to her, and so, he’d worked hard, to please her endlessly.

When his mother started treating him like her husband, the child dies, because NO son should BE a husband to his own mother, and what’s worse, his mother would have him caress her the way a husband would his wife.  When his mother started treating him like her husband, deep down, he knew that it wasn’t quite right, but still went along, because he wanted to be the exception, of the disappointing men she’d already gone through…and so, he sank, deeper, deeper, and deeper still………

When his mother started treating him like her husband, this, is where it all gets messed up, like being a KID in this day and age isn’t hard enough already???  He now carries the responsibilities of his own father, making his mama happy!

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Cost of Living, Enmeshment, Parent-Child Interactions