Falling into that Same Pothole, TWICE

Because this god damn FUCKING (don’t pardon me here) government that’s currently, running ALL our lives to SIX feet under still can’t learn from its, mistakes!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The huge mess of the candidacy from the KMT slip of Taoyuan is still just, getting, patched up; what’s unbelievable, was, that in Miaoli, there was, the messy businesses, yet, again.  This time, it was Hsu, who was nominated for the post, after the KMT called him to run for office in front of the press, he’d bowed down, and declined the KMT’s asking, leaving behind, everybody who was, shocked.

If Hsu continually stated that his heart isn’t set in running, and so, how did the Central office of KMT, keep on, nominating, him?  This stubbornness of “calling someone to run by force”, isn’t it the same as, slapping themselves, across their own, faces?  Besides, this is too important a matter, before they’d made the announcements, should they not CHECK, with the willingness to run for office of the man they were, nominating?  Or, to tell the man, that everything that might be troubling him had been, taken care of for him?  But, the KMT did, absolutely, NOTHING, and just, issued, the press release.

Falling into that same pothole, twice, the first time may be due to carelessness, and the second time one falls in, it’s, stupidity.  From this, the Central office of the KMT may be, short-wired, they’d used the wrong methods to communicate, to handle the matter, that’s how, they’d, messed the already originally pocketed city up.  The last time the nomination of the mayoral position, the chairman of the party, Chu wanted to scare Lo, the city councilman of Taipei off the rosters, and yet, it’d, gotten him out; and this time, Hsu didn’t want to be put up for election, and, the party members nominated him against his will.  In this day and age, people get upset hearing about forcing someone to get married to someone, and so, how can we, force someone, to, run for, office?

On a deeper level, it may be, that the central office of the KMT is way too, egotistical, way too, wayward, thought, that they didn’t need to communicate with the local regions, and determine everything on their own, from the office of the party.  The president, Tsai is, the president, with powers in her hands, that was how she could, command the DDP; and, pray tell, what powers do Chu, and Huang have?

Chu should first, examine how much the people supported the KMT, then, decide how forceful, he is, to become.

And so, you can see, how this party that’s not in power, is already, getting, edgy, as the elections are, coming up at the end of this year, they’re, grabbing at straws, because they don’t want to lose another year to the DDP, and this still just showed, how we the people, are still being, forced to, choose, between, the lesser of the TWO evils, but neither is, good enough, fitting enough, to rule the country, and so, guess W-H-O, suffers, no matter which party we vote for?  Yeah, it’s still us, the people, because we (collectively speaking, and no, still NOT a part of that, collective “we” there!) the people are too FUCKING retarded, we only want to, follow our leader, not having a mind of our own, besides, we’d all turned into, mechanical robots, under the rules of, either parties here, so, this country’s politics is still, totally @$%#ED (maxed out!) up!

Wife or Lover

A loser, caught between his own wife, and his, whore, and it wasn’t until that the other woman (his whore) made the decision to start over with another brand new man, the affair had, finally, ended!  Call this, the confession, of a CHEAT if you will!  Translated…

I admit, that I fell for, another woman, the night I’d asked that girl to sleep with me away from home, I’d found, I’d started, falling deep.  After all, for a man, from loving a woman, to being in love with a girl, that means, that happiness must, learn to, coexist, with the, heartbreaks.  I’d met a ton of women, but only as I held her, I’d be reminded, that I was, cheating on my wife of twenty years, like how back in college, I’d, dated two girlfriends at the same time, I am, ashamed of myself.

Making a choice normally comes with, comparing the two, disappointment, and destruction of a relationship.  I’d cherished and loved people, not wanted to hurt women and cost them to waste their youth away on me, actually, I don’t want to ignore my own, instincts the most, in my maturity, I would’ve, never imagined, I could, feel my heart skipping a beat in time again, the love came, out of, nowhere, her smile started, surfacing before me, and it’d, made me feel the bliss, I’d loved, seeing me, reflected, from her, brown-colored, pupils.

like this…

and it’s still, ALL the man’s fault here! Photo from online

It’s not that I don’t love my own wife, I do, everybody knew it, I’d help around the house when I got home, took my kids to cram school, kiss my own wife passionately, and made love to her too.  I believe, that staying low key, and keeping this as is, can keep everybody safe, and, being in power, I’d given all my time, my money, as well as, my love too, and not wanted get anything back from, anybody else.

But on that day, as she’d, started, feeling something for another man, I couldn’t help but feel that heartache inside of me, and that sense of loss, and that was when I’d realized, that I too, had been, too afraid, to choose, fearing that I may not have, everything I ever, wanted.

And yeah, this is the mindset of a cheater here, he can’t let go of his wife, out of obligation, out of, responsibilities, as she’d kept his home so well, birthed out his children, and yet, he still couldn’t help but fall for that, younger woman, who’d, made him feel, more alive, that’s just the general state of mind for men who cheat, they wanted it both ways.

Well, here’s that NEWSFLASH (again!) for you, you mother FUCKING sons-of-bitches (still not the four-legged varieties, because at LEAST we can all train those to behave themselves!), we want it both ways, it’s just that most women (this might be a generalization, I wouldn’t know here!) are bound by morals, and the society’s views of women who cheat, being labeled as “whores”, “tart”, “harlots”, etc., etc., etc., that would keep us all way, from cheating on our, husbands, and besides, women are more prone to emotional/psychological affairs, meaning that we do NOT act on our urges to SCREW!

And so, that is, that.

What I, CHOOSE, to R-E-A-D…

What I, CHOOSE, to R-E-A-D, that’s got nothing to do with you, it’s my, personal choice, and, you will NEVER have a say, in WHAT I want to, select, for my own, reading pleasure.

Secondly, what the FUCK!  What I choose to read, that’s, my, personal choice, my right to decide, and you ain’t gonna have a say, why?  Because, you do not have control over what I am interested, or disinterested in, okay?

Third, what I choose to read, that’s entire, my choice, and, nobody’s gonna have a FUCKING (and your point being???) say, I mean, it’s not like I got that full stack of Playboy CENTERFOLDS, cut OUT, saved in my, “secret drawer” for my, “viewing pleasures” is it?

Then, there’s, yeah, you got ZERO right to tell me, what I can, or can not read, just like you got no right, to tell me what I can, or cannot say, it’s my personal choice, because I say so, okay?

Yeah, talk about a lack of freedom here!

Rebirthed from Prison, Patched Up the Love, a Treasure Map of Memories

Repeated in that vicious cycle of his own misbehaviors, led him down this path of, no return, and now finally, as he sits in his cell, he’d, realized what he’d done, and what he can do, to turn his own life, around, translated…

For Most, This is a Hopeless Sort of Life……………

My rebirth from the flames, started from owing two hundred million dollars, the ability to introspect, to admit to what I’d done was wrong, was from my twelve years’ sentence in prison.  For most, this is a life without the chances, but to me, it’s, a brand new, beautiful, beginning, because, I’m now able to use my mindset of learning for life, to, turn the bottom half of my own life, around.

Walking on That, Right Path, Finally

Back when I was too young to know any better, I’d thought, that putting my fist out to help a friend, is the true meaning of giving them the support they were looking for, and yet, what I got were, the conflicts of the fights I’d gotten in, at age twenty, I’d, faced my very first, prison sentence, being taken into, custody.  Everybody told, that the longer you get locked up in prison, the more badass you’d, become, that it’s the path, of becoming a gangster, so, the very first time I got stuck in a cage, I just wanted to, make more friends, to expand my connections.  And surely, I’d not changed a bit after I’d made bail, and, I’d, hit the walls, soon enough, and only, stayed out of prison, for one short, year’s time.

The second time I got taken into custody, I’d met a white collar criminal, the worst step I’d, ever taken, and became, a con artist, got on that path of, no return.  The second time I’d made bail, I went into business with a friend, and, wrote the scripts, used the cons, to get my very first bucket of gold in life, ever since, I’d, gotten lost in the nightlife, took up the habits of gambling, and, started, squandering everything away to soon, which was a proof of, traveling down the wrong road, it’ll, catch up to you eventually.

illustration from UDN.com

By age twenty-five, I’d faced my third, two years’ worth of prison sentence, being righteous toward my friends, I’d, taken all the blames, and in return, all my friends, they’d, deserted me.  My wife went into labor when I was held in custody, and she was too distressed and had postpartum depression, and in the end, my only source of strength was my parents’ never giving up on me, which was, the start of, me, waking up, and turning my life, around.  I’d started, making friends with books, started getting into the habits of reading, to change my own heart, and understood the meanings of, “helping others” and the meanings of “helping another is helping ourselves”.  My own experiences made me reached out to my fellow inmates, hoping they don’t travel down this same wrong path I had, to improve themselves, for those around them.

The two years’ prison terms, I’d, come to understand, that the justice system is maxed out in giving me my second chances, that every time I returned back to the society, I’d, strayed, farther from I did before, that I may not have the opportunity to get out, on good behaviors again; and, maybe, it’s going to take me more years to finally appreciate being able to feel the love from my parents, to find the blessings of sharing a meal with my wife and children.  And yet, in my time of serving prison, I was, blessed by heavens above, as I was told, that I was allowed to make bail a third time, I’d sworn, that in the time I’m serving, I shall, stay away from the bad, and, start walking out, a better path of life for myself.

The Encouragements to Myself, “It Takes Ten Years to Make a Perfectly Sharpened Sword”

After I’d made bail, I’d, still, gathered with those friends, but without, the bad influences, sharing only the ideals, and I’d, come to understand, how those friends’ not, deserting me was, too precious to, come by.  As my case was still pending, I’d discussed with a friend on the future direction of my own life, “We’ll try it with you.”  with their supports I’d, become, an entrepreneur.  And, as I got totally immersed in what I was doing, I fell, in love, and in the process, I’d come to understand the meaning of “there’s a house of gold in every book”, the books I’d read in prison became quite useful in business, I’d started up from the fundamentals, and because of how my partners and I were on the same page, in only three short years, we’d, made a “good grade”.  I’m more than grateful to my friends’ trusts in me, from the team of five originally, squatted inside that compressed, tiny office, and now, we’d, expanded to more than thirty employees.

During the time of our startup, I’d worked in the merchandising department, and, used the knowledge I’d read up on in the books from prison, to lower the costs and to barter with the providers, but, being a con artist myself, I got, conned, and, I’d originally wanted to, shoulder the money I’d lost for the firm, but, my partners denied my request to, and said, that the company will pay up the total.  And in the end, the providers were touched by my story of turning my own life around, and, refunded the amount we’d lost back to us.

We all eventually, pay for our own, mistakes.  My trial dragged out for three full years, as I’d gotten that serving sentence to prison, I’d felt upset, but I’d not, gone back on that promise I’d made three years ago when I’d made bail then, and my families saw how hard I’d, tried to work to turn my life around too.

And to this very day, whenever I get anxious, upset, or agitated, I’d still told myself, “it takes ten years to sharpen that sword”, we needed to trim the rough edges of our own character off, to better our own, abilities too, and I’d understood the true meaning of “only when you change for the better, the meanings of you becoming a man showed.”

still serving his time…

repenting for what he did…photo from online

I am, a textbook example, although I’d still caused myself to get stuck, but I hope, that the life experiences of this decade of life from my twenties to my thirties, can help light the way for all those who are currently lost at the crossroads of their own, lives.

And so, this is the man’s, tracing the wrong steps he’d taken in his own life thus far, and as he’s serving his current prison term (hopefully his very last one!), he’d, realized the wrong steps he’d taken thus far, and, decided to make the changes, to make sure he doesn’t, go down the wrong roads in his own life again, and hopefully, that will to change in him, will be enough, to keep him from straying again.

As Our Friendship Was, Tested

If I quit, will you, quit with me???  Uh, can I get back to you on that, I have to, think about it first…translated…

I was in the same class with J during our fifth and sixth grade years, although it was only two short years, but, our friendship lasted, long afterwards.  We’d, talked over the phones over a ton of things, wrote to one another, shared our lives through the emails.  Having a confidant in this life time, I’d, lived to the fullest!

J came back from his studies from abroad, couldn’t find work, so I’d, introduced him to my work.  And, just as I’d thought after the interview, he was, on!  Yes, I knew it was his integrity, his ability, his attitude, all of it is, excellent.  And now, he’s not just a former classmate, but also, a coworker too.

Many months later, maybe, half a year, I’d heard the blames out of my superior’s office.  Not long thereafter, several people came out of the office, and one of them was, J.  J didn’t look well, to the point of, being, embarrassed to anger.  I thought, I should let him, cool down a bit.

And yet, he’d, come over and asked, “if I were to quit, you will, quit with me, won’t you?”  And, at that very moment in time, I fell, into, that state of, unspeakable, chaos.  I’d, introduced him, and now, he’s, taking me away?  Can I leave this job right now?  Should I, be supportive on his side, use my actions in quitting, to show my support toward him?

If I say yes, that meant, that I would soon become, unemployed, and, my household economics would lose one paycheck, and, where’s, my next step?  If I told him I won’t then, does that mean, that our years of friendship, ends, here?

I’m in chaos now, can’t find a word to say, can’t even, make a, sound.

Shortly thereafter, he’d quit, didn’t take a patch of painted skies with him, nor me either.  And we’re, still, the best of friends to this very day!

And so, this, is getting trapped in between the considerations of being on your friend’s side, or, the practical, keeping that paycheck, and, you’d, chosen practically, because, you need the money from the paycheck you’re making, if you didn’t, I’m sure, you would’ve, left the job with your friend, but, he didn’t hold it against you, because he probably, empathized your situation, that’s why the two of you are able to stay good friends.

Bedtime Reader Selection

Which one will it be tonight, biography?  Fiction?  Essays?  Mysteries?  Romances?  Let’s see!  Translated…

The evenings are getting colder now, fitting for a mug of hot cocoa, and getting underneath the covers with, a good, book.  And yet, I’d, eaten up, almost ALL the collections I have at home, in the fact that there’s nothing new for me to red, I’d had to, go out, in the chilly weather to the libraries to hunt for more.

Romance?

Nah!  I’d had to get through the Christmas holidays from November 11^th on my own, the covers for just one, too cold already, no need, to hit my self, even harder.

The exam study guide then?

something, to help me, ease into, sleep here!

photo from online

TOSS!  What I’m looking for, are the bedtime readers, not the hypnotic reading materials that can, knock me out cold in an, instant.

The biographies that are encouraging then?

STOP!  Monday through Friday, I’m already, keeping myself on that tight leash, forced myself, to push forward, go forth, faster, faster, faster I am in desperate need of rest now.

Cooking, the dessert recipes then?

Uh, the timing’s not quite right.  Reading these will only make me feel more and more hungry, then, diet will be something saved for tomorrow, I’ll go on a binge, then, fall into, that state of, deep, regret.

Or maybe, I should, read the mysteries then?  The dark night, the cold, with the scary cases, and the swiftly turned on brain, training my logic, as well as speed of thought.

And, now that I’d, set my genre, I shall have the classics then, Agatha Christie’s “Murder on the Orient Express” it is!

And so, this showed, how much considerations one considered, in choosing a bedtime reader, this woman considered everything, before she’s finally, settled down to the mysteries, and sometimes, it’s too hard to choose, when there are, too many, options available for us out there, and sometimes, you just, gotta, make that second-decision, and see where it leads you.

Do We Protect the Self, or Do We, Fulfill Our, Families

And no, it’s NOT selfish, if we go for the self-preservation side, because we must first all, take good care of our, separate, selves, otherwise, how the HECK can we, care for, anyone else???  Taking from the tragedies of the society here, translated…

In the life of families, we are often trapped between the wills of our selves, or the benefits of the families, and started engaging in that, tug-of-war nonstop.

There was the news of how an elderly woman raised up her own two grandson, one of the children showed aggression, and symptoms of A.D.H.D., and, the elderly woman had been under too much stress in caretaking, and, lost it, and strangled the grandchild to death.  Another, how a couple was married, and, in less than two months of their marriage, the husband was, paralyzed, and was in a vegetative state, and the wife filed for divorce, and the courts allowed it.  These two seemingly unrelated events, shared one characteristic of concern: the matter of caretaking of one’s own families.

The two women in both cases, made totally different decisions, on caring for one’s own next-of-kin.  The wife decided to divorce, and, although, she’d gained the reputations of being selfish, of not being moral enough, but her decision, ended the fact that her marriage is bound to, slide down that slippery slope.  While the elderly woman’s persistence to the end, it’d, fulfilled the expectations of the traditional role of women, her sense of responsibilities, and her conscience too, but in reality, and the psychological aspects, the elderly woman, clearly, could NOT stand this kind of burden, and in the end, she’d, self-destruct, and the story ended, tragically.

And it made me wonder, as a part of the family, must we, give everything we have, for our, families, to sacrifice our own, happiness?  Is this, the necessity, the forefront, of setting up a, perfect, and happy family?  If at the end, there’s only, the suffocating burdens, that sense of, responsibilities that remained in it, enough to drown, cover up everything else, and, at this time, how can we still, keep the connections of the family intact?

In the families, when do we choose to preserve ourselves, when do we, sacrifice ourselves, and fulfill the needs of our, separate, families, from my past experience as a family courts judge, this, is from my observations: do take good care of your selves first, then, treat your loved ones the way you treat yourselves, kind too, then, as you feel, that you’d done, everything you possibly can, and still it’d not worked out, at this time, do be bolder, selfishly, embrace yourselves then, then, love your families, the way you love your selves.  I believe, that there would be the regrets that came with this, but so long as you’re willing, this regret can still, be made up for, I hope that we are all, living happily.

And so, these are, tragic stories of how giving to the family, caused the caretaker, to fall apart, like for the grandmother, she didn’t have a choice, or at least she couldn’t see the other options, and eventually, the caretaking became, too burdensome, and she’d ended up, murdering her own grandchild, while the other woman, she may seem selfish, because, it seemed as though she was, abandoning her husband who became, paralyzed, but she didn’t want to become his caretaker for life, and so, she’d selected divorce, and surely, it got her the bad reputation of ill-fitting as a wife, but heck, at least, she’d made a decision, to save herself actively, instead of being driving to murder her own handicapped husband after she grew tired and weary of taking care of him long-term, like the elderly woman who felt that she didn’t have any other, choice!  So, it’s NOT selfish, to look out for number one, and, W-H-O, is number one?  Oh yeah, we, individually, ARE, number ONE in our lives, and if we don’t take good care of ourselves first, how the @#$% (maxed out!) can we, take care of, anybody else???

Decisions

The decisions to stop treatment, or to, continue it, weighing the pros and cons of it, over, over, and over again, in our minds, and, we can only pray that in the end, we’d, made the, right choices by our loved ones.

Upon reading Marcie’s “Difficult Choice” on August 25^th, I was moved, this hard-to-master lesson of life, is, harder to solve than the, mathematical, equations.

I was forty-two on the year, thought of how at age forty-two, my father caught me, who let out the very first cries of my life, and how time flew quickly by, turned all our hairs white, made him hunched in the back, and, eroded away, his aging, skins.  I’d squatted down, helplessly, in the hallways of the hospital, with my arms around my knees, I’d, broken down and cried.  The sun still radiant outside, while my world had, crumbled down, no longer, is it, a full-circle again.

this…

photo from online

After the marrow was extracted, the biopsies on his liver done, I’d, pushed him back to his ward.  “Ouch!” that was the only word he’d, mumbled aloud after he came to, following that, he’d, drifted into that cycle of, never-ending, eternal, waking and sleeping.

The eyes behind the glasses, with that genuineness about it, said, “sir is too elderly and too weakened in physical strengths, I’m afraid, that he won’t able to get through the chemotherapy or the surgeries, you and your families must make up your minds, don’t leave the regrets for tomorrow, the patients are in pain, the families, in even more, pain.”  The young resident stated these words, that, made my heart twisted up even tighter, can it, not be, a “multiple choice” question?

Three years ago, my eldest uncle fell seriously ill, my older cousins couldn’t let him go, his life was, spared, but, he was kept alive, with all those, tubes going in and out of his body, it’d, made the families, relatives, and friends wondered, can we, tie him down with love, to save his body, because we don’t want him to go?  Then, two months later, he’d gone, and, my older cousin kneeled down in front of the altar, and cried like hell, and blamed himself for making the wrong decisions to save his own father then, that he shouldn’t have, put his own father through those two more months’ worth of, trials in the body.

AS my younger brother heard the surgeon’s statements, he’d exclaimed aloud, “of course, SAVE him!”  “my father’s a military man, he would NOT want to live on like this, I want to save him too, but, as his daughter, I know I can’t be, so, selfish”, I’d, finally, got those, words out, and after that, my heart had a hole in it.  My youngest sister cried, shook her head, and waved her hands no too, she was, my father’s, favorite, youngest child, it’s, simply, too difficult, for her, to voice her thought on the matter.

or this…

saying their, final, goodbyes…and letting go…photo from online

I’d, pushed that hospital bed, with all his belongings, took him to the hospice ward.  It is, very hard to describe what it’s like in there, there are the hopes and expectations of getting out one day on all the other, floors, while here, the patients are, walking, a step closer to death by the day, but it’s, not just that.

As we entered into the hospice, my crying, stopped, the sorrows are, all over the places, but my father looked, more at peace, and, as he woke, he’d said, apologetically to me, “it’d been trying on you”.  my foolish dad, can you, breathe, a bit longer, so, your children can, hold you in their arms, longer, so I can, be a daughter, with a father still?

After a full month in the hospice, I took dad home.  In the company of his children and grandchildren, without those tubes going in and out of his body that made his life even harder, he’d gained, an, extra month, two days after Father’s Day, he’d selected to, fall, into, that eternal, sleep, and thus, our, scents of, missing him, started, rooting downward.

So this would be, one of the, hardest decisions that someone is forced to make, to save the loved ones or to just, let them go, I mean, there’s, a lot to, consider in the matter, are you, willing to, try your loved ones longer, just so you can have them with you longer, or, would you be willing to, say your, goodbyes to them, and, leaving, no love unsaid, and, just, let them go?

What’s the BEST Way, to Let Someone Know, that S/he is, Making You, Uncomfortable???

And I still have to apologize, for being, a bit, BLUNT, ‘cuz sometimes, that’s, the ONLY way to GET the point across, for those who just don’t get it, hello, hello, hello???

What’s the BEST way, to let someone know, that s/he is, making you uncomfortable???  Surely, you can, throw them stupid signals around, hoping that s/he picks up on it, but, chances are, the person is way too mother @#$%ING (maxed out!) retarded to pick that up!

But, I can’t, just say to the guy/woman: hey YO!  BACK OFF!  Can I?  That’s just not, socially, “Acceptable” is it?  Nope!

And yet, there’s, NO easy way, but to just, bluntly, state it ALOUD sometimes, so, stop worrying about how you will make the other person feel (I mean, WHO cares!  And, isn’t how YOU feel more important than how the other person feels???)

That’s, just one of the harder things of being human, I suppose, for SOME of you out there, but not for the QUEEN for, the QUEEN, still SPEAKS her M-I-N-D here, out loud too!!!

Just like Murphy had done, I’d, TELL someone, STRAIGHT up, if s/he is, making ME, uncomfortable, and you should too, otherwise, there will, be those who are out, to take advantage, and by then, you got, NOBODY else to blame, ‘cuz, you’d, ENABLED, the other person’s, improper behaviors…

A Merciful Murder…

I’d, killed out of mercy, ‘cuz she’d been, suffering too long, losing control over her body, and, it hurt me, watching her die off slowly, little, by little, knowing that, time’s still nowhere NEAR, expiring, Y-E-T!

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I don’t feel bad about what I’d done, because deep down I know, that I’d, murdered out of love, and care for that certain someone.

And maybe, I’ll, get sentenced as a heartless, coldblooded, murderer, but I don’t care, I got a cleared conscience here.  If I’d not murdered the person, then, I will, forever BE gnawed by my own conscience, for NOT doing what’s right by that person I cared too much about.

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I really couldn’t give a !#$%ING RAT’s ASS how everybody else out here in this god DAMN world sees me as: a cold-blooded murderer, an unfitting child, whatever, I KNOW I did it, out of, mercy, my conscience is, clear!!!

A merciful murder, it’s not right to kill someone, in the eyes of the law, but, think about it, if it were your own loved ones who became incapacitated, and their quality of life is dropping by each and every breath they take, wouldn’t you want them to suffer less?