Please Let Go, and Trust in Me, Having an Overbearing Mother

The problem here, is still NOT with the daughter, but with the mother, but, does she realize it???  Of course N-O-T, translated…

From awhile ago, on the news, a certain organization had been losing money by the year, the second-generation owner decided to sell of the office building, for cash, the founder, as he was, interviewed, stated, “My heart ached as my son did it, but now, I’d, trusted in his decisions entirely!”

This pair of father and son made me so envious, and at the same time, I’d, felt heartache for them both, because how I’d, wished that my own mother, can trust me like this father had his own son too.

From the views of the world, I guess, I’m, the pride of my parents: made high grades, gone to an all-star institution, and, managed to pass the exams for a public office on my very first try, I’d never needed my parents to worry over my school performances or my work.

Although my mother stated verbally, that I’d, done well for myself, but she’d, never had faith, that I can, handle things on my own, whether it be how I’d spent my money, how to treat others I meet, whether to have children after I married, who should care for my child if s/he was born…………my mother’s criticisms came at me, never-ending, “it’s for your sake”, was her most widely used phrase, and her weapon.

She’d never understood, that what she’d believed to be a show of care and concern, her nagging, was interpreted as how she didn’t trust me enough, I’d tried to tell her, but her response was always, “Those with your last names, can’t take any criticisms from others!”

When I was interning, I’d, lived at home, I’d had a crash on a rainy day, and, as I’d, bent my knees, my injuries started bleeding, but I’d not let my mother know, I’d, bent down, holding the pains in, as I’d helped clean up the house, until my mother rode out to get the groceries, and found the head of the motorcycle dented, that, was when she’d, found out.  I’d gotten into another, serious crash after I was married, and, it’d been years to this very day, I’d still, not told my parents what had happened to me.

Of the two wrecks I got in, I was, very scared, but I knew, that other than feeling anxious over me, and nagging me, my parents couldn’t do anything for me, and they’d, surely, blamed me, for being, too careless too.  And so, no matter how painful, I’d much rather, hide the truth from them.

I’d never doubted the love my mother had for me, but every time, as I’d, wanted to show affection towards her, she’d started, lecturing me, and in the end, she’d added, “Nobody else is going to tell you this, I’m your mother, that was why, for your sake, I’m, telling, you the truth!”  in my mother’s mind, I’ll never be, enough, there are, always things, I can, improve, and, all of my good performances are, matter-of-fact, and yet, the imperfections, are what pricked at her, and she’d needed to, get rid of them.

But, my dearest mother, you know what?  Your daughter may not be perfect, but, she’d always tried very hard, worked hard, can you just, let go, and trust in me?

And, hopefully, this woman’s mother can see this article, and change the way she interacts with her daughter, but, I’m still, NOT holding MY breath, because parents like these, they think what they’re doing, IS for the good of their young, and they just keep on, doing whatever the F*** (maxed out???) they’re doing, using their same old ways, probably because they were, treated as such by their own parents (‘cuz these sorts of SHITS still gets passed down, from one generation to the next, like D.N.A.???) and this daughter is going to, have a very difficult time, getting closer to her mother that’s for sure…

Is the Child’s Oversensitivity a Behavior Problem?

So this, is what the parents have to cope with, with a way-too-sensitive child at home, huh???  Translated…

“Your daughter is so very quiet—have you ever considered, taking her to the doctors?”

“Jody is so easily hurt.  If she sees that other children were picked on, she’d cried too.  When she’d heard sad stories, she’d cry.  We don’t know what to do with her.”

“Everybody in the kindergarten is eager to participate in group activities, but, your son just refused.  Is he also this stubborn at home too?”

Do these lines sound familiar?  Of course, these words can get to you, as if, your kid’s the one with the problems, but, your child has a keen sense of observation, shows a lot of care and concerns toward others, and is very sensitive.  You knew real well, that if you heed these words, forced him to get socialized, the child would be in a whole lot of pain.  And, if you go with the flow of your child’s personality characteristics, s/he might be well-off.  And still, as the same words keep coming up, you’d started doubting, whether or not you’re fitting as a parent, and that you might be responsible, for your child, behaving the way s/he does.

How to Education Children Who are Too Sensitive?

You feared, that you may be doing things wrong, worried that no one can help you.  You might have already realized, that most of the parenting books all talked about “behavioral problems”, such as getting agitated easily, distracted, rough, attacking.  From this angle, there’s NOTHING wrong with your child.  There were NO mentions of the problems you’d encountered, eating problems, being too shy, nightmares, worries, and, strong emotional outburst, for no apparent reasons at all.  And, you couldn’t discipline your child using normal methods, even IF you’d just criticized her/him lightly, your child would have a complete meltdown.

The Words of Advice from the Experts:

When people tell you, that something IS wrong with your child, don’t believe them, and don’t LET your child believe them either.  Your child is UNIQUE, that, is not your fault.  Naturally, there would be room for improvement in parent-child interaction techniques, but, don’t ever believe that something IS wrong with you, or your offspring.

Based off of studies, fifteen to twenty percent of the children in the population are born naturally sensitive.  And, with this great number, it’s hardly “abnormal”.  Besides, in ALL the species that’s been studied, there are JUST as high records of individuals in the population that are this sensitive.  And, IF that, is the result of evolution, then, there MUST be a reason for it, we just can’t see it is all.

There are many evidence that suggests, that people who are highly sensitive are NOT necessarily shy, nor are they all neurotic OR anxious all the time, or even, depressed.  For some of the more sensitive members of the population, these emotional responses are caused by environmental stimuli, NOT inborn traits.

What, is a Heightened Level of Sensitivity?

People who have a heightened level of sensitivity are more aware of the details in their surrounding environment, and, before they acted, they’d think, thoroughly first before they took the actions.  Whether it be adults or children, those who are sensitive usually have a higher level of empathy, more intelligent, has strong instincts, with creativity, more careful, with a lot of conscience.

They understood better, the result of their own actions, and so, they’re less willing, to do the wrong things.  They couldn’t cope well with higher volumes of sounds, or an influx of information coming to them at any given time.  They would avoid these stimuli, which makes them appear shy or distant from others.  If they couldn’t avoid the circumstances of being under too many stimuli, then, they’d become “difficult to deal with”, or “way too sensitive”.

Although those who are deemed more sensitive pay attention to the details more, but, they may not have a better sense of sight, hearing, taste, or smell.  But, there are those with a better ability in one of their sensory organs.  The key point here, is that when their brains processed the information, they do it more thoroughly.  Not just their brains, those who are deemed more sensitive also have a stronger spinal reflex too.  Their immune systems are more active, they are prone to develop allergic reactions to things.  Which means, that their bodies are designed, to understand and observe this world even MORE thoroughly.

So, just because your kid cries a lot, or wouldn’t play in groups, PARENTS and TEACHERS, that still doesn’t mean that there IS something wrong with the kid, something IS wrong, with Y-O-U, stupid adult, who work so totally FUCKING (oopsy!!!) hard, to FIT all those little ones, inside just ONE square, but hey, some of us are rectangles, triangles, rhombi, circles, along with an ASSORTMENT of shapes AND sizes, and, we still DON’T just FIT properly to the “norm” (whatever THAT is!!!), so STOP trying to FIT your young INTO certain boxes, and just love them for the way that they are, after all, they still did NOT ask to be BROUGHT to the “outside world”, you two ADULTS are the ones to have FUCKED, and, out still popped???  Oh yeah, those “pretty little MISTAKES” of yours, remember?  Uh, YEAH, and, D-U-H!!!

 

The Guy’s Parents are Strictly Against the Woman Being Older

In need of relationship advice here, a Q&A, translated…

Q: Mr. C, who’s 25-years-old, still a student, felt troubled with a relationship with an older woman wrote…

A few months ago, C started dating a woman who’s four years older than he, who’d started working already, they’d had sex together, C met her parents already.  At first, they were, doubtful, but soon, they’d taken him as a part of his family, but, as the mother of the man learned, that the woman is four years his senior, she’d spoken up against their love, totally disregarded her former beliefs of “just considering the characters”, it’d stunned C.

His mother and older sisters worked together, took turns, to try to make C break up with his girlfriend, that if he broke up with the woman, then, they will NOT tell his father about their relationship.  But in the end, the father still learned about it, and, he’d called C home, for a family meeting.

The primary reason for his families against him dating this woman was solely based off of age: the woman is almost thirty, he’s still in school, and, there’s the issues of bearing children, being laughed by his friends and relatives, “Can’t you get a younger woman?”, later on, his mother had even started crying to C’s older sister in the middle of the nights, “I felt I’m about to lose my son!”, anyway, before the girlfriend had even gotten on the playing field, she’d already STRUCK out!  C felt angered, and was under enormous pressures, he wanted to know, what he can do.

A My Advice

The troubles of the woman being older than the man had become even MORE hard to handle in C’s case, he has at least FOUR older sisters, at least, he’d probably the only son, and, his parents cared very much about him, being able to reproduce a son, to bear the family’s last name; and there was the hard-to-overcome issues of “face” at play: their son had amazing qualities, why must he find a woman who’s four years older?  However, his parents’ feared more about getting laughed at by their friends and relatives, more than their own against their son’s relationship.

I wanted to remind C that: his parents are not as open as he thought they were, instead, they are very traditional, so, it may be really hard, to change their beliefs, and C is still, very far from being able to support himself and marrying, and, during this time, the pressures would come at him like the raging waves, could he handle it all?  And, the key to success of this relationship where the woman is older than the man, rests, solely, on the man!  After a long time, the one who’d thrown in the towels are usually the males who were very active at the very beginning.  The family members are not the keys in this, the point is, if he could stay the same throughout this process?  Otherwise, after a few years, the woman had grown a couple more years, and, they’d started the talks of breaking up, and, the woman would surely be screwed!

Could he persist?  Only C himself knows; could he be as set in his mind as he was from the very start?  There’s no way of knowing that right now, I’m merely, mentioning the problems that are still in the distance.

And so, in this case, the woman is NOT the one who has a say, in what happens, and that’s simply BULLSHIT!!!  And the man, using his family as the “shield” for marrying her, is still just a SORRY excuse, and, if this woman is smart, then, she’ll break up with him, and nowadays, many women don’t get married until they’re in their mid-to-late thirties, after all, we all have our careers to start off, before we’re able to, settle ourselves down, to start a family, and poppin’ ‘em babies out, and, with us, there’s that huge factor of BIOLOGICAL clock to consider too!!!

Why are You Stagnant in Learning?

Translated…

Last week, a friend of mine called to inquire, said that her friend’s daughter was having difficulties in her piano lessons, could she come and talk to me.  After I told her okay, a certain lady did call me up, we talked about what’s happening in her daughter’s life, “My daughter had performed outstandingly in the competitions in the past, and recently, she’d met a fork in the road, couldn’t perform as well as she’d wanted to, but didn’t know how to get beyond it.”  The mother said, the instructor suggested she be sent to another teacher, to get another way of educational methods, and ask me to recommend someone.

“Before I give you a recommendation, let me ask you a question”, I said, “Is your daughter interested in piano, or music?”

“She’s interested in piano, she doesn’t have the habit of listening to music.”

“Doesn’t she attend the piano performances or recitals?” “She needs to prepare for her tests, don’t have time to go.”

“Then, the answer is all too clear.  If your daughter took up Chinese calligraphy, she’d used the techniques, the strokes to write, but didn’t understand the meanings of the words she’s writing, she doesn’t feel a connection to the words, do you think, she’ll be able to write wonderfully?  In other words, even IF she’d been excellent in the technical front, she doesn’t understand the music she’s playing, and is unsure of what she’s trying to express in playing, and is unclear of the purpose of other people’s music-playing, how can she NOT met that fork in the road?”

Can someone just take up an instrument, but NOT learn the music, and NOT liking it?  Of course, that, is your personal choice, even though, it would be a total shame—a ton of parents want their kids to take up an instrument, with the focuses other than just the techniques, for instance, to get the child to have better work ethics, to train the child to think rationally, to increase one’s own ability to feel, etc., etc., etc.  But, NO matter how wonderful these added qualities are, the most directly related to playing an instrument is still learning the music and appreciating it, and, you can’t equate learning an instrument with learning music at all.

If the purpose of taking up a musical instrument is NOT to become a professional, then, you must NOT overlook the importance of music appreciation.  With the child’s classes getting heavier and life getting busier, after letting practice slide for some time, the songs the child was able to play so very well when s/he was younger, may NOT sound so flowing after the child grows up and play it again, and, the child might not even want to play it again.  Which means, that what the parents put in, the money, the time, the energy, they’d only gotten the child’s ability to play the instrument, wouldn’t that be costly, and such a shame too? But, the thought of musicality and appreciation, can independently exist, outside of the ability to play an instrument, and, it would be something that spans across the lifetime.  And, since it’s an investment, the smart parents should make it long-term, to have the children learn to appreciate music and play a musical instrument, so, the child will carry both forth in one’s life.

And this, would be the problem of traditional Chinese parents, they want their kids to be excellent in the techniques of something, but NOT allowing the child to truly appreciate the thing that they’re FORCING on to their offspring, and that’s just the WRONG way of teaching the kids, and, IF you forced your kid to sit in front of that sheet music, that piano for TWO hours every day, what do you think you’ll get in the end?  A kid who came to truly appreciate the value of her/his music abilities, or, just a kid who’s sitting for those two hours, and NO MORE, because mommy and daddy made me?

Being Your Pride & Joy

Why must I?  What if, I don’t want to, be your pride AND joy, I mean, then, don’t I got a right to decide for myself then???

Being your pride and joy, as that, was what you’d “trained” me to be, and, because I grew up like that, I was so afraid of disappointing you, and so, I’d walked on these easily CRACKED eggshells for so long, and, even IF I’d already been very, extremely C-A-R-E-F-U-L, the eggshells underneath me still cracked!

Being your pride and joy, NO thanks, because I do NOT want the burdens of ANYBODY’s expectations on my shoulders, and besides, I’m already carrying a heavy enough load here, and, there’s simply NO more room for me to keep on carrying that one too.

Being your pride and joy, I’d wanted so much for you to be proud of me, but, I know I’ll only keep on reaching for empty, because you’d FAILED to become your parents’ pride and joy, and, because I’m JUST like you, therefore (\), I will too, keep on disappointing Y-O-U, as you’d done JUST that, for your own parents.

 

Thoughts of an Addict

Here Comes Another “Round” of Abuse…

My Child Doesn’t Want to Be a Mama’s Boy, on Parent-Child Interactions

Translated…

My eldest had gone to Japan two months to date now, as a mother, I just couldn’t let him go, I’d kept telling him to watch out for this and that.

One time, he’d had it, he’d texted me from Tokyo, “My dearest mommy, I’m already in my twenties, a LOT of things, as a son, I have the obligations to tell you, so you won’t worry, but, please, don’t ask me about all the details of my life, okay?  The families should live under a caring and loving atmosphere, but, if everything, as children we must report to the parents on, then, it wouldn’t feel the same.  Let’s grow together!  I really do love you!”

About half an hour later, my youngest son in Changhwa also wrote, he said, “Mom, I’d thought things through I want to part-time in the hotels in the summer.” I replied immediately, “but that’s really hard work!  You’re a designs major, you can find an easier job!”

Not long thereafter, a HUGE paragraph got texted back, “So what IF I work in the restaurant business?  Are you afraid that I’m having it too hard!  Keeping me in the palms of your hands, how will your child ever be able to compete, how will I make something of myself? Come on, mom, don’t make your son into a ‘mama’s boy’ now, okay?  I’m not afraid of the hardships, I want experiences in multiple fields, to have a wide variety of experiences.  Do STOP worrying!”

After reading my son’s two text messages, I sat still for awhile, then, burst out laughing.  My son had taught me an important lesson here on “Parent-Child Communication Growth”, I’m very glad, that I have two sons who are very mature and close to my heart.

And so, the mother was worrying WAY, WAY, W-A-Y too much, and, that, would be the nature of the mother, I suppose, because you worry about your offspring nonstop, are they dressed warm, are they well-fed, etc., etc., etc., etc., hello, hello, hello, WHAT are they?  Ages three to five?  They’re already G-R-O-W-N, so, why don’t you parents out there, just let go, and have faith in yourselves (as it’s still called transference, hello, hello, hello???)

Just Follow the Tracks? On Parenting

Translated…

A few days ago, I saw on television that there was an interview of how the famous taught their offspring, one of the male stars said in a serious voice, “The future of my child, I’d planned out for him, he just needed to follow the tracks, and, he will NOT derail onto a different path.”

There are kids around me, whose lives are cramped up with a TON of talent classes, and they’re without any alone time, and rarely socialized with their friends, and couldn’t even take the busses themselves, and the parents would say, “I was from a poor background, and couldn’t take up as many talents as I would’ve wanted to, and I’m making my child take all those talents because I don’t want her/him to have any regrets.” Every time I’d heard this sort of a statement, I can’t help but question, when the mother’s dream is becoming an artist, then, she makes her son take art lessons; when the dad wanted to become a musician, he’d forced his children to take up the piano or the violin.  But, had the parents actually taken the time to consider, What, exactly, is the dreams of the child?  Without the art lessons, the piano, would there be any regrets in her/his life?

Sometimes, parents would make their kids live their unfulfilled dreams, and so, before school age, they’d start to “cultivate” the child, put in a TON of resources, leading the child toward some bright future, but, at the same time, the child’s innocence, a happier and carefree childhood is lost.  Maybe, the children’s dreams are smaller than the adults’, maybe, he just wanted to play in the park, in the sandbox with his young friends.

Everybody has a different way of experiencing the world, and, forcing someone to march down the “right path”, this may become a huge burden instead.

The children are NOT clones of the parents, nor are they tools to help fulfill the parents’ unfulfilled dreams.  Everybody has her/his own life path, and has the right to utilize one’s own abilities to find out what one is good at, to discover the world.

Surely, it may be smooth on the tracks you’d planned out for your offspring, but, who can say, that maybe, by derailing, there may be an alternative, but equally beautiful scene to be had.

And so, STOP forcing your dreams, your childhood fantasies onto your own offspring, just because you never got the chance to live YOUR dream, PARENTS, that still doesn’t give you the right, to DEPRIVE your kids of their dreams, after all, we are NOT clones of our parents here, are we now???  Uh, HELL NO!!!

Let the Light In

Let the light in, but W-H-Y?  I’m used to living in the dark, and besides, the light’s too bright it’d hurt my eyes!!!

Let the light in, I don’t know how you can live in the darkness, I don’t know how it is, that you don’t want to allow any light into your bedroom, child, after all, it is, during the daytime, and, light should BE allowed into your bedroom, to offer it more life.  But my bedroom is just for sleeping, and, I don’t really need that much light, in fact, I prefer utter darkness when I sleep, and, because I only use my bedroom for the purpose of rest, I see NO point, in letting the light in!!!

Let the light in, because you will need the light (what am I, a PLANT???), because you can’t live in the darkness (oh yes I can!!!).  Let the light in, this, is MY house, but, this, is MY bedroom, and now, we’re deadlock, in which one’s right, the parent?  Or the child?

Let the light in, I won’t, because I am already giving OFF this bright glow about me, I AM bright, I’d already gone THROUGH the darkness, and, IF now, I want my room to be completely dark, even during the day time, then, it’s MY business, and you do NOT get to mess with my business!!!

My In-Laws Desperately Wanted a Grandson

Shouldn’t they be “grilling” your husband about it, I mean, after all, they’re the ones with the “Y-option”, a Q&A, translated…

Q: Ms. T who’s married five years, with two daughters, wrote…

For now, her husband works alone in Taipei, Ms. T and her two daughters and her in-laws are living in Taichung.  Ms. T goes to work during the daytime, she’d come home in the evenings, and take care of her two daughters on her own, it may not be to the point of burning on both ends, but, she’s really strained.

After her second daughter was born, the in-laws believed that her husband, being the only son (with an older and a younger sister), so, they kept insisting that she give birth to one more child, and had even told their son and daughter-in-law to get the scans, that they MUST have a male grandson, and said that they would be willing to look after this third baby 24/7 for the sake of Ms. T.

Ms. T thought, that this IS modern times!  And, they’re asking her to try to reproduce a male.  She said, “Man, what am I to do?”

A My Opinion

In Ms. T’s letter, she’d mentioned several times when her in-laws asked her to have a baby boy, she’d used “we”, to state that her husband is on her side, believed that two daughters are enough, that they needed not get pregnant for a third for the sake of having a son.

I don’t know if Ms. T’s husband is really certain that he didn’t want to try for a boy, or, is he only trying to calm her because she’d acted so strongly about it?  If he is actually what he say, and, would NOT change because of the parents’ age-old beliefs (Ms. T, do make sure of this), it would be fine; but if the husband changed his mind in a couple of years, then, this may well affect the love between them.

After all, it’s the husband’s parents, but the husband is far off in Taipei, and wouldn’t have to deal with his parents’ stubbornness of belief.  I believe, that Ms. T should get her husband to talk to her in-laws, to NOT force herself to face the fight all alone on her own.  I must say, that in dealing with this stubborn belief that the in-laws had, it would be a very long and arduous process, you must work together, and continue, to try to get through to them, in a way that they can accept.

Apparently, these “old folks” (no offense!!!) are from the ICE ages, hello, who says, that you MUST have a male heir, to carry on your family’s last names?  And, that, is just STUPID, after all, you losers are the ones with the determinant of the gender of OUR kids, and, we are still the ones who have to go through the problems, the symptoms (morning sickness, having our children on TOP of our bladders, making us want to go to the bathrooms a lot???) of pregnancy, and, the husband just can’t get through to HIS parents either here.