Category Archives: Right to Die

Decisions

The decisions to stop treatment, or to, continue it, weighing the pros and cons of it, over, over, and over again, in our minds, and, we can only pray that in the end, we’d, made the, right choices by our loved ones.

Upon reading Marcie’s “Difficult Choice” on August 25th, I was moved, this hard-to-master lesson of life, is, harder to solve than the, mathematical, equations.

I was forty-two on the year, thought of how at age forty-two, my father caught me, who let out the very first cries of my life, and how time flew quickly by, turned all our hairs white, made him hunched in the back, and, eroded away, his aging, skins.  I’d squatted down, helplessly, in the hallways of the hospital, with my arms around my knees, I’d, broken down and cried.  The sun still radiant outside, while my world had, crumbled down, no longer, is it, a full-circle again.

this…

查看來源圖片
photo from online

After the marrow was extracted, the biopsies on his liver done, I’d, pushed him back to his ward.  “Ouch!” that was the only word he’d, mumbled aloud after he came to, following that, he’d, drifted into that cycle of, never-ending, eternal, waking and sleeping.

The eyes behind the glasses, with that genuineness about it, said, “sir is too elderly and too weakened in physical strengths, I’m afraid, that he won’t able to get through the chemotherapy or the surgeries, you and your families must make up your minds, don’t leave the regrets for tomorrow, the patients are in pain, the families, in even more, pain.”  The young resident stated these words, that, made my heart twisted up even tighter, can it, not be, a “multiple choice” question?

Three years ago, my eldest uncle fell seriously ill, my older cousins couldn’t let him go, his life was, spared, but, he was kept alive, with all those, tubes going in and out of his body, it’d, made the families, relatives, and friends wondered, can we, tie him down with love, to save his body, because we don’t want him to go?  Then, two months later, he’d gone, and, my older cousin kneeled down in front of the altar, and cried like hell, and blamed himself for making the wrong decisions to save his own father then, that he shouldn’t have, put his own father through those two more months’ worth of, trials in the body.

AS my younger brother heard the surgeon’s statements, he’d exclaimed aloud, “of course, SAVE him!”  “my father’s a military man, he would NOT want to live on like this, I want to save him too, but, as his daughter, I know I can’t be, so, selfish”, I’d, finally, got those, words out, and after that, my heart had a hole in it.  My youngest sister cried, shook her head, and waved her hands no too, she was, my father’s, favorite, youngest child, it’s, simply, too difficult, for her, to voice her thought on the matter.

or this…

查看來源圖片
saying their, final, goodbyes…and letting go…photo from online

I’d, pushed that hospital bed, with all his belongings, took him to the hospice ward.  It is, very hard to describe what it’s like in there, there are the hopes and expectations of getting out one day on all the other, floors, while here, the patients are, walking, a step closer to death by the day, but it’s, not just that.

As we entered into the hospice, my crying, stopped, the sorrows are, all over the places, but my father looked, more at peace, and, as he woke, he’d said, apologetically to me, “it’d been trying on you”.  my foolish dad, can you, breathe, a bit longer, so, your children can, hold you in their arms, longer, so I can, be a daughter, with a father still?

After a full month in the hospice, I took dad home.  In the company of his children and grandchildren, without those tubes going in and out of his body that made his life even harder, he’d gained, an, extra month, two days after Father’s Day, he’d selected to, fall, into, that eternal, sleep, and thus, our, scents of, missing him, started, rooting downward.

So this would be, one of the, hardest decisions that someone is forced to make, to save the loved ones or to just, let them go, I mean, there’s, a lot to, consider in the matter, are you, willing to, try your loved ones longer, just so you can have them with you longer, or, would you be willing to, say your, goodbyes to them, and, leaving, no love unsaid, and, just, let them go?

Leave a comment

Filed under Choices, Cost of Living, Do-Not-Resuscitate, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Die, Right to Life, the Finality of Life

A Difficult Predicament, the Dramas of Life

Watching her own father, suffering, in this final days, it’d made her realized, how important it is, to set up the D.N.R. for herself, so when the time comes, her own children won’t be tried as hard as she’d been, a lesson learned, from death here, translated…

She stood, at the end of the hospital bed, and, patiently asked the family members’ willingness to place the patient in the hospice program of the hospital.  The patient’s wife opened up her eyes wide, and, stared lost, into the distance, the daughter frowned, and the lips that opened and closed, made no word out.  She’d understood the hardships, that same expression of not knowing what to do had once, covered her own face from before.

Her father passed four years ago, and before that, he’d been, bedridden for four whole years.  As he was diagnosed, she was already, a resident, and has the basic knowledge, awareness of the treatment options of illnesses.  Her father didn’t have any other conditions, not at high risk under anesthesia either, she’d seen a lot of cases like his making full recoveries, and thought, that her father was only getting a coronary bypass, and optimistically planned out the care and where her father is to go to after the surgeries, and yet, she’d, never expected, that her father was, that, exception.  The day right after the surgery, he’d had a hemorrhage, then, a large area stroke, and in the four years of his bedridden days, he’d started losing his ability for speech, for movement, for food intakes, coughing up phlegm, urinating, and defecating, along with other, bodily functions.

illustration from UDN.com

難題。圖/PPAN

Although there’s the twenty-four hour care provided by the foreign caretaker, and her mother’s visiting her father at the hospital twice very day, her younger sister’s delivering the filtered juices of fruits, vegetables, the other health products into his feeding tube, but at best, her father’s condition didn’t, worsen.

That final hospital stay had, broken her father down completely, with the series of painful, invasive treatment measures and tests.  As the medication and the respirator could, no longer bring his vital signs to stable, she’d gotten a piece of paper, and, started, swaying between her role as a medical professional, and a family to someone who’s, on the verge of dying—as a family member, she’d wanted to do all that she could, for her father to live longer, but as a doctor, she’d known, that all the measures will, become of, no avail.

In the end, she’d, gazed into her father’s, soulless eyes, and knowing that she should, let go.  After all, her father was quite understanding, of the family’s unwilling to let him go, held in the pains, the illnesses, and continued living for four years, for the family to finally say their, goodbyes to him, then, they should too, give him, a proper, final, farewell.

After her father passed, the family was, hovered by gloom, and the conversations that pass between her and her family was like caring for that scab that started healing up, with much care, but, as she was, left alone on her own, she couldn’t help, but blamed herself; she’d retracted every single decisions from before, reviewed over every tiny detail, to see if she’d, gone according to her own father’s, wishes, after all, as her father retired, he’d loved, hiking around a lot, collected a house full of, antiques, loving life, and she’d now wondered, the four years of his getting kept in bed, was it, a form of, punishment to him?

Until the gnash had, healed into a scab, did the family sit down to discuss, and slowly, they’d, all gotten through that time of, depression, of gloom.  As everything was spoken out into the open, they’d all come to understand, that their father with his optimism would hate to see them in regret, blaming themselves, or getting angry at the situation; while, they’d, selected, on an ordinary afternoon, gone to the hospital, to set up their, do-not resuscitate, to NOT leave the decision-making difficulties behind, for their own, loved ones to handle.

And so, this, is what is taken away, learned, from the death of a loved one, and, there will always be regrets of whether or not we’d done the right things by our loved ones, in these, situation, and all we can do, is live with the choices we made, and this family had learned from losing the father, setting up their separate, D.N.R.’s, so their younger generations won’t be tried as hard as they’d been, with their own father.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

That Day, Unknown

On watching her husband, suffer, with his terminal illness, waiting, for death to come and, claim him, translated…

That day, my husband was, wheeled into the treatment room, had a “smooth ride” of his cancer treatment processes, no loss of hair, no losing all his weight, he’d only, complained of aches and pains more often, and as the primary treating physician visited his ward, he’d only, begged him for more pain meds, but, after the pains subsided, another sort of illness, took him over.

One afternoon, I’d, rushed off to the hospital, it was the call of the caretaker from the bed next to his.  I’d never seen him like this before, lips trembling continually, kept apologizing repeatedly, I’m sorry, I’m, sorry, the group of doctors hovered over his bed, and started discussing, and because my husband was in and out of comas, and started calling aloud things that don’t make sense, fearing that it might affect the other patients who shared the same room as he, they’d decided to wheel him into the treatment room.

查看來源圖片
as he’d, become like this…photo from online

And after that we’d, taken, that downhill slope toward, the bottom, he could laugh and chat at first, but, with his getting diagnosed with acute pneumonia, he had an intubation, and because of how the hospital worried that he might hurt himself, they’d, restrained him with the cloth bands to his bed, and his elbows now, bruised up, with the days that came and went, his skins ulcered.  Every day, he’d slept, waken up, waken up, and slept, and can only, stare at the ceilings, as he’d come home from work from before, he’d, ranted, incessantly on what went on during his work day, he can, no longer speak a single word now, and it must be, too, trying for him.

At first, my husband mapped out his, recovery plan, placed it at the bottom of his, desk drawer, he had a strong will to survive then, was optimistic on this path to, defeat cancer, and yet, months passed by, the life and death that came and went in the hospital wards, the elderly who was still there on the next bed, got wheeled out with a white cloth covering the bed today, my husband also, transferred from the normal wards, into the I.C.U., and connected to the machines to live now.

Once, I’d, gotten closed to his ears, told him, “if you still want to live, nod”.  And it wasn’t, as I’d expected, a nod, he’d shaken his head then, for a very, very, long time, with the tears that stained up a huge chunk of his, pillow.  While I, too selfish, can only, struggle within my own self, after I’d made up my mind, I’d still, tried to keep the moments of visiting him in the hospital afterwork, again, and again, and again, hour by hour, and, begged for that, unknown day, to finally, come.

And so, this, is how difficult it is, to watch someone you love very dearly, get tortured by his, illness, and, at the start he had this strong will to survive, thought he was going to, overcome, but, as time went by, he grew weaker, sicker, and now, he can only, lie in his hospital bed, and wait for death, and there’s, nothing you CAN do for him, save for, sign that DNR on his, behalf now.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Do-Not-Resuscitate, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die, Values

She Had Pulled the Plug on Father, & Readied Herself to Serve the Time in Prison Back Then

The choice, to decide how we will, leave this world, it’s, an important one, signing the DNR, lessons that life have to, offer, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

“The Right of the Patients’ Selves” was signed last January, and Taiwan marches, one step toward “dying easily”.  The honorary professor of the Changgong University Medical School, Chiao recalled her own caretaking experiences from forty-two years ago, how she had, prepared herself for being charged with “murder”, pulled the plug on her own father.  And now, she’s a terminal cancer patient herself, and set up her own DNR, and planned to “leave the world naturally”.

Her father was a retired army general, gone to war, she clearly remembered her father’s beliefs about life, not going against what’s natural, not forcing life along.

instead of this…

查看來源圖片
photo from online

Chiao told, that at age seventy-three, her father started having memory issues, but they couldn’t find a reason, they’d not known it was dementia, her father and older brother lived in Taoyuan, one day her father disaprpeared, and seven days later, the police called, told the families that her father had, wandered to Yilan, which was, over hundreds of kilometers away, covered in his own urine and fecal matter, and he couldn’t tell them how he got there, what he had for food, or where he’d stayed.

At eighty-six, her father had a cold, which caused pneumonia, and sepsis too, he was hospitalized, Chiao told, that there were tubes connected to her father’s body, with the tracheal tubes as well, the doctor was about to place her father on life support, she’d discussed the matter with her older siblings, and, decided to honor the way their father lived, and signed the DNR.

Chiao graduated from the nursing department of N.T.U., back when she was only thirty, she’d stated the wish for all of her family members, the doctor replied back coldly, “How can you all be such unfitting children, how can you let your father die?”, seeing how the doctor wouldn’t do it, the families asked Chiao to pull the plugs.  For this, she’d read at the medical libraries of N.T.U. for an entire week on the ethics of medical treatment, and proved that her and her families had, made the right decisions.  She said, her father’s heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys had all failed, if he were still conscious, he would certainly, NOT allowed so many tubes to get him plugged in, besides, his weight reduced to twenty-seven kilograms, nothing but skins and bones left, unless there’s a way to transplant all the vital organs in his body, there’s no way to save him, there’s no reason to, prolong his, sufferings.

wouldn’t you rather have…

flatline 的圖片結果
rather than prolonging the sufferings of someone you love and cared about? Photo from online

“The medical staff members started whispering, said that I was, murdering my own father.”  Chiao took her clothes, a bible, readied herself for prison after she’d pulled her own father’s, plugs.  Before she’d taken her father off life support, the treating physician demanded that she wrote on her father’s medical records, “The daughter, Ko-Shih Chiao pulled the tracheal tubes herself”, and noted the year, the month, the day, the hour, and the second when it was done.

“After the tubes were pulled, my father took a deep inhale, I was so scared, called in all my family”, the family stayed by the father’s side, until he passed away in peace.  Chiao believed she’d made the right decisions, but still struggled with the decisions long.  As she worked as the assistant head nurse at VMH in Taipei, she’d had eight terminally ill patients who were tried by their conditions in her two years of working there, and they’d, taken their own lives, it’d pained her even more.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer at age fifty-eight, and it’d relapsed, she was on the target drugs.  As the legislation of “Patient right” came last year, she’d set up her medical will, “if I can’t be cured, and there’s a lot of pains that come, then, I shall, die naturally, no need to prolong my own, suffering.”, awhile ago she broke her leg, the doctor said if she get it surgically corrected, it will be healed in just one month, otherwise, she’s going to wait for three, four months for it to heal up on its own; she’d assessed, that the drugs she was taking for cancer was causing her white blood cell count to drop, that it wasn’t fit for her to go under the knife, and decided to let time take its course, and if it doesn’t heal properly, it’s the way it’s intended to be.

And so, because of her work, she’d seen a ton of people at the terminal stages of life, and realized how important it is, for the ailing to make ones’ own choices to whether or not to get resuscitated, and, she’d, honored her own father’s wish, despite HOW the outside world perceived her, and she’s, made the most important medical decision of her own life herself too.

2 Comments

Filed under Do-Not-Resuscitate, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

A Merciful Murder…

I’d, killed out of mercy, ‘cuz she’d been, suffering too long, losing control over her body, and, it hurt me, watching her die off slowly, little, by little, knowing that, time’s still nowhere NEAR, expiring, Y-E-T!

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I don’t feel bad about what I’d done, because deep down I know, that I’d, murdered out of love, and care for that certain someone.

And maybe, I’ll, get sentenced as a heartless, coldblooded, murderer, but I don’t care, I got a cleared conscience here.  If I’d not murdered the person, then, I will, forever BE gnawed by my own conscience, for NOT doing what’s right by that person I cared too much about.

A merciful murder, I’d, committed, and, I really couldn’t give a !#$%ING RAT’s ASS how everybody else out here in this god DAMN world sees me as: a cold-blooded murderer, an unfitting child, whatever, I KNOW I did it, out of, mercy, my conscience is, clear!!!

A merciful murder, it’s not right to kill someone, in the eyes of the law, but, think about it, if it were your own loved ones who became incapacitated, and their quality of life is dropping by each and every breath they take, wouldn’t you want them to suffer less?

Leave a comment

Filed under Basic Human Rights, Choices, Cost of Living, Euthanasia, Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Pro Life vs. Pro Choice, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

His Wife, Physically Handicapped, the Husband Lost it, Suffocated Her to Death

The shortcomings, of the long-term care program set up by the government here, was a contributing reason for this tragedy!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

An elderly man, Tsai who was left to care for his own severely physically handicapped wife long-term, was suspected of not being able to handle it physically and psychologically any longer, awhile ago, he was suspected of putting a plastic bag over her head in an attempt to kill her.  As Tsai saw his wife, Wu lost signs of life, he’d called the hospital, and turned himself in, the hospital was able to resuscitate her back to life once, but two days ago, she’d still died of multiple organ failures, two days ago the D.A. interrogated the elderly man, charged him on murder, and set his bail for $50,000N.T.s.

The police investigated, that Tsai (age 67), and his wife, Wu (age 65) were married for over thirty years, the children are all with stable jobs, and are all married, they’re doing fine economically, but many years ago, Wu had a stroke, and had the continued repeated cycles of urinary tract infection, she’d spent her time on her sickbed, and had been transferred in and out of the hospital, that Tsai was her primary caretaker.

Based off of understanding, Wu suffered multiple strokes of late, had been bedridden long term, in a wheelchair, and her daily living is taken care of by her husband, Tsai and the hired nurse’s aide, a while ago, Wu ran a fever, was hospitalized, and the nurse’s aide also fell ill, and Tsai shouldered both their care.

what the man was left alone in dealing with…

查看來源圖片
photo from online

He was suspected of getting burned out lately, at a little past eleven at night on the fifth of this month, he’d lost it, with a plastic bag filled with toilet paper, he’d, suffocated his wife, as he saw his wife’s heart stopped, thought that she was dead, he’d run to the nurse’s station, told the nurse on duty, “I murdered someone, I’m sorry!”, the hospital immediately took the victim to the I.C.U. to resuscitate, she was saved.

As the police were called, they took Tsai into custody, Tsai claimed, that his wife had been bedridden for a very long time, he could no longer care for her, that he tried to murder his own wife because he can no longer take it anymore; at a little past nine in the morn two days ago, Wu still died, due to multiple organ failures, as her son gave the statement at the substation, he was distraught.

And this sort of tragedies will keep on happening, because of the reduced birthrate, and how people are living longer, longer, and longer by the years, and, because there’s NO system of support, for these primary caretakers to get their needed breaks, that’s why they snapped.

4 Comments

Filed under Cost of Living, Euthanasia, Issues of the Society, Life, Love Became Murder, Mercy Killings, Murder, On the Wrong Side of the Law, Right to Die

When Death is the Only Gift I Can Give to You

Death is, the only gift I can, give to you, love!  I don’t want you to, suffer anymore…

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, I can’t!  I just, can’t bear the thought of, losing you, it’s, too painful!  When death is the only gift I can, give to you, because you’re, in so much pain, and you’d, become, reduced, to less than you were, from when you were still, healthy, happy, and free, and now, you got, trapped, inside this, sick little body of yours, growing weaker by the day!

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, will I be able to, just, let go, of my love for you, knowing that, you’d be, better off, DEAD?  And, how can I, say goodbye to you, my love, after we’d, shared, so many years of our lives together, of all that we’d, weathered through with each other, huh?

like this???查看來源圖片photo from online

You’re, asking too much of me, and I just, can’t!  I can’t, let you go, you mean too much to me, I can’t, lose you, it hurt, just, thinking about it!

When death is the only gift I can, give to you, then, I will, force myself to give you just that, because, I will, NEVER allow you, to suffer, like someone I used to love, suffered, before he was, put down!

So yeah if death turns into, the only gift I can, give to you, then, I shall, give it, and nobody says SHIT about it!!!

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Choices, Decision-Making, Despair, Euthanasia, Life, Loss, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life

Her Final, Mile…

It’d been, real hard, this, final mile, of hers, she’d, dragged on, for what seemed, like, an eternity, she was ill, starting at the beginning of her early eighties, or was it, late seventies, nobody can, really, recall now…

She’d been, in and out, of the hospital, during this, final mile of hers, and yet, something inside of her, refused, to let go of life, and so, she’d, held on, strong, with that final breath inside of her, refusing, to let go.

what it’d, looked, like查看來源圖片with, no end in sight…photo from online

It got to the point that the attending doctors, the primary physicians can, no longer, do anything for her, and stopped, all treatment options, but, she’s, still, holding on too tight, to her, dear life, and, nobody knows for sure, why!

Her final mile, it’d been, difficult, and that would still be, an understatement, for during her final days, she’d, struggled, too hard, to hold on to that, final, dying breath of hers, when all the vital signs, had, slowly come, to a, halt.

Her final mile, she shouldn’t have been, shocked back to life that first time, they should’ve, just, let her die, but her families, couldn’t, bear, to see her go, and so, she dragged on, for the, final mile, of her, life…………

 

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die

The Season of the Frost

As death, slowly, takes over, the living, translated…

The afternoon sun came in, from the southwest side, the light that weren’t, blocked out, by the house next door, slanted down, lazily, imprinted itself, onto the patio, reflecting the rhombus pattern of the screen door, her black cat, Charcoal lay, on that patch of sun that’s, on the ground, it seemed, that he was, unwilling, to leave that spot.

As she stared, at this frame, there came, the eyes of that elderly woman, the elderly face was, so thin, with the deepening of the wrinkles on her face, her skin, dark in complexion, very thin in its, layer, with one eye, slanted, and the eye that stared at people, it’d, looked, extremely, delicate, with the corner lifted upward.  Maybe, back when the elderly was a younger woman, she was, beautiful, it’s just, that the year drifted too far away from her now, and, she’s not related to her, and so, she can, only, make her own guesses on her.

what that, looked, like…查看來源圖片photo found online

She’s, a caretaker, taking the shifts from the night previous.  The elderly woman is close to eighty years of age, not even forty kilograms in weight, quite weak in physique, and even so, she’d still, insisted on, taking herself to the bathrooms.  She’d, taken into considerations her stature, and wanted to allow the elderly to have what’s left of her own, dignity, she’d, allowed the elderly, to lean on her, and took her to the bathroom, and, as the night got deeper, she’d, made the trips, many more times.  The elderly always, sat on the toilet a long time, and, as she helped her back into bed, she could hear the elderly pant like a dog.  As the nurse saw, she’d, grilled her, to NOT help her go to the bathrooms again, that she could just, let the elderly go in her diapers.  Later she’d, taken care of the diapers’ worth of brownish, sticky material.  As the families learned of this, they’d told, that in these recent ten days, the woman lacked an appetite, and didn’t eat anything when they took her home, only had the liquid nutritional drinks, how can she expel so much waste.  As she heard, her heart went colder, and reminded the families in a round and about way, that they need to be, prepared.  What she couldn’t tell them was, please, take your mother home with you, so the high tech devices, don’t drag her life out for longer than it should’ve, lasted.

As the elderly woman was lying there, she’d, used her delicate eyes, asked, “Miss, can you please give me some medications, that I can take, and just, die.”  Then, “I’m going to find my dad now.” And from time to time, she’d, hung her head down low, held tight to her tiny achy frame, mumbled on, “I’m going to die”.

As the day broke, the families came by, the elderly started grilling them, “are you, leaving me here, to die?”, her children were about fifty or sixty years of age, looked honest enough, but without a clue, and, as they’d heard their mother’s questions, they’d, seemed, helpless, rebutted, “We sent you here to get better, how can we leave you here, to die?”  the nurse told the families to go outside, she’d watched the loved ones, nodded away like bobbleheads, they started, writing something down on a sheet of paper that the nurses handed them.

this, is what the end, might, look like…查看來源圖片photo from online

At around noon, the medical staff, suddenly, gathered around in the room.  The families, as well as she, were, ushered outside.  In a panic, the elderly had, multiple tubes going in and out of her body: the trachea, the feeding tubes through the nose, connected to the stomach, the catheter, the drips, with some tranquilizer, the elderly lost consciousness, with the oxygen mask over her face, the assortments of drips on the poles, then, the entire bed, got wheeled off, into the I.C.U.

She received a day’s worth of nurse’s pays, dragged out her luggage, walked, on the golden sun rays of the season of the frost, as the golden sunshine was about, to get off the clock.

As she arrived home, there were the cats, and no humans around, her kids had all grown up and left home, her husband no longer alive.  She’d put a kettle on, gone to pick the two sticks of chamomiles out in her yard, on lemon grass, three leaves of mint, made it, into a cup of, lightly, sweetened, light green solution.  As she’d, found her calm again, she’d recalled, a patient she couldn’t, let go of as she was being trained as a caretaker, it was, also, an elderly of eighty or ninety years of age, she’d helped turned him over in the bed, and, as she’d touched his body, she’d found, that the man was, so stiffened up, that he’d, looked like a curled up shrimp, most of the patients she worked for, as she’d helped them flip over, would sigh, and yelp, but this elderly man, is a dead body, with just, one breath left inside of him, like a cookie, she’d turned him, left, and then, right, no response, there’s, no changes in the lines on his body, or posture, he’d, stuck on the hospital bed, and it’s, actually, abandonment, in the name, of terminal care, how long had it been, since someone, helped moved his muscles?  Otherwise, how could he be, so stiff?  And yet, the people around him, they’re sliding on their cell phones, eating their meals, and just, busying themselves, around, and about.

The sun had, retracted, to a corner on the lanai now, the rhombus shaped pattern now, gone, Charcoal hopped, into her lap.  She’d, patted that body of color, Charcoal started, purring at her.  The elderly with the corners of the eyes lifting upward, your wings of youth had already been, put up, stored away, inside, that long hallway of time, without all those, tubes to keep you alive, hmmmmmmmmm, it’s, hard to, say.————She took a small sip of the light scent, then asked Charcoal who’s in her lap, “the season of the frosts has arrived, do you know that?  And the days, go fast one by one, vanished, do you know, what a, good spot you were lying in awhile ago!”

And so, for this woman, in her line of work, she’d, seen it all, because she took care of the terminal patients, who are, on the verge of dying, and in taking care of these elderly, she’d, seen everything, from how the bodies are, no longer, capable of sustaining life on their own, of how the only thing that’s, keeping these bodies alive, are the machines, and tubes in the arms, connecting to the machines, and how the families refused, to let go of their elderly parents, and just, keep on, making them suffer even longer!

Leave a comment

Filed under "Professional" Opinions, Awareness, Cost of Living, Expectations, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Observations, Old Age, On Death & Dying, Philosophies of Life, Right to Die, Story-Telling, the Finality of Life, Things Left Behind

Because of Your Not Ready to Let Me Go, I Had to, Suffer, Longer than I Had to…

tattooed, around the area where the tube is, supposed to, go in…photo from online

I’d been found, in the TERMINAL stage of cancer, it’d, progressed too advance, metastasized, took over, my other organs as well, but because of your not ready to let me go, I had to, suffer, longer than I had to.

I get, that you love me, and couldn’t see me die, but heck, EVERYBODY dies, I’d, already, come to understand that, through the course, of this, illness, and, as my cancer had, progressed, little, by little each and every day, I’d, become, less than all I once was, I’d lost, ALL my dignities, I’d started, wearing DIAPERS for crying on loud, and needed people, to carry me up and down, and I can’t even, sit STRAIGHT, in my god damn, WHEELCHAIR either!

Despite everything that’s been done, my cancer is still “on”, in fact, it’s, MORE than on, and, this last round of chemo, it’d, left me, so FUCKING weak, I can’t even see anything in front of my eyes now.

查看來源圖片the forms…photo from online

Is this the way, I want to live? HELL no! And yet, you’re, still, keeping me here, but W-H-Y, huh? Why do you, HATE me so, that you feel compelled, to DRAG me through this SHIT in these dying days of mine? And, why can’t I, just, have some peace, and just, live from breath to breath?

I’m NOT afraid to D-I-E, by any measures, in fact, I wish I were DEAD now, and yet, look at, these tubes that are, attached to my body, there’s one, to drain out the excess fluids, one that’s, in my arms, to draw the blood out for testing’s sake, and oh, do you not see, this tube that’s, stuck down MY fucking throat here? And, don’t EVEN, get ME started, on what feeding time is like every single time here???

Now, ask yourselves this: would THIS be the way, you all want to, live out the rest of your lives? And, if you could have a choice, wouldn’t you, just, want someone, to PULL the P-L-U-G-S?

So, why are you, still, keeping your own loved ones, connected to that monitor, beeping, beeping, beeping, beeping, beeping, and beeping away, huh?

This is, completely, I-N-H-U-M-A-N-E, and NOBODY deserves to, LIVE like this, especially, NOT during those, final days, years, months of her/his, life………

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Basic Human Rights, Because of Love, Cost of Living, Do-Not-Resuscitate, Euthanasia, Expectations, Issues of Morality, Letting Go, Life, Mercy Killings, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Right to Die, The Right to Choose How One Will Die, Values