Category Archives: Decision-Making

Should I Get a Divorce When My Husband Has an Affair?

Marital difficulties here, a Q&A, translated…

Q: L whose marriage is in the MUCK wrote…

Having known her husband for seven years, married for ten, has a daughter and a son, Mrs. L wrote several letters describing how her marriage is sinking: when L was pregnant with her firstborn, her husband became addicted to porn sites, and was about to head off to a motel with an unknown woman, and was stopped dead in his tracks by L.

In the seven years’ time, disregarding L’s words, her husband used the accuse of getting closer to god, became a spokesperson of god, to help others resolve the issues in their lives; and ever since, he’d given less and less time to his families, and, the two of them are slowly drifting apart.

Last November, she’d found out that her husband had an affair with a married female coworker, not only did her husband NOT admit to wrongdoing, instead, he’d blamed her, for not making him happy, causing him to need to find someone else, believed that it was, ALL L’s fault.

During this time, a lot had happened, L told the female coworker’s husband that she was cheating on him, the husband started becoming verbally abusive, and stated that he wanted a divorce; and, L felt, that her husband had become possessed, since he “became” closer to god.

And now what was phasing L was that the in-laws hoped, that they wouldn’t divorce, for the sakes of their young children; but her husband said, that after they’d split, they will each take a child, but, both children wanted to live with L.  Although she has work, however, she’d feared, that after the divorce, her husband won’t pay her alimony, she won’t be able to keep her kids in school, although the counselor had suggested that L gave the custody rights to her husband, but L didn’t want to, and, everything became stagnant.

A My Opinion

I don’t believe, that L really wants a divorce.  In her letter, she talked of how much the Valentine’s Day present her husband gave to her meant so much, that it wasn’t that he went out of his way to buy it, but it was a gift from the company he has business with, and, she is also hesitant, because of the issues of her children.

L can first, think about what’s LEFT in her marriage, half a dinner roll?  Or, just some, breadcrumbs?  Meaning that she needed to figure out, HOW much there is, left in the marriage, WORTH her working hard over?  And, if working hard can really make her marriage improve?  And, what are both of their attitudes?  And their shared beliefs?

Based off of what I’d read, L’s husband is someone who does as he pleases, and, when he’d done wrong, he’d wanted her apologies, and, that, was NOT his first affair either, and clearly, he’d shown, a LACK of self-control, with a total LACK of disrespect for the marriage.  But L must think thoroughly, is she was willing to give her husband another chance?  Or to get divorce, so she could have a brand new life?  If you continue to engage in the silent treatments, you’ll only end up, draining yourselves dry.

And so, for the sakes of her children, and the words of her in-laws, this woman was STUMPED on whether or not she should divorce the husband who cheated on her, and, apparently this woman CARED a LOT about the marriage, and yet, her husband’s behaviors had let her down, time, and time again, and, this, is clear to see, from an outsider’s angle, but, because this woman is involved in the play of things, that, was why she couldn’t see the truth, that, is why she felt troubled…

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Those Blurred Out Memories

There’s that file folder, or maybe, a file cabinet, maybe, with those, blurred out memories, that you’re still keeping for reasons, I wouldn’t know.  Those blurred out memories, why you keepin’ ‘em?  In hopes, that one day, they’ll all become cleared up, without the fogs surrounding them one day on their own?

Those blurred out memories, no use trying to remember their contents, they’re unimportant, that, was why you’re minds “deleted” those files, but just, hadn’t gotten around, to clean out the trash yet!  Those blurred out memories, what, do you think you’ll find, when you’d wiped the dusts away, when they’d become clear again?  Are you looking for forgiveness, to be delivered from them, the way that believing in god would deliver you away from your sins?

Those blurred out memories, let them stay blurred out, because, IF you wipe all those fogs away, what you find, maybe too shocking for you to accept, so, just leave it well enough alone now, you hear!

Those blurred out memories, what, do you hope, to achieve, by making them clear again?  And, are you, ready, to ACCEPT the consequences, of finding out what, exactly it is, that they entail?  Are you ready, to discover, what actually, lies beneath???

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Filed under Behavior Modifications, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Cost of Living, Decision-Making, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories

After He’d Had His Coffee, the Doctoral Student from Politics University Jumped from the Sixteenth Floor

I wonder, WHAT, is it, that made this doctoral student take that final leap to his own death…from the Front Page Sections, translated…

A doctoral student, Huang went to the Multiple Usage building of Politics University alone at the noon hours, went up to the sixteenth floor, wandered on for a short bit, then, took the leap, to his death; back then, when the members of the public found him lying on the ground, they’d immediately notified the police, and, after the fire department had rushed him to the hospital, he’d still died.  The doctoral student didn’t leave a note, and the family didn’t want to pursue the matter any further, after the D.A. and the coroner examined the body, they’d returned the body back to the family.

The manager of the student affairs of Political University, Ko last night stated, that the doctoral student, Huang had just passed his qualifying exam, the results were not yet posted, and he didn’t show any abnormal behaviors either, behaved normally regularly, and didn’t leave a note, was without any medical records of being treated for mental illnesses, that they couldn’t know, if his death was a suicide or an accident; the school found Huang’s documents by the window of the 16th floor of the building, and, the window can only be pushed outward, to a thirty-degree angle, and you must work hard, to squeeze through it, to get out of it, so, chances of him wanting to catch the views then accidentally fall to his death was quite unlikely.

The doctoral student Huang (age 38) had worked for the media from before, entered into the party affiliated positions this year, he was married last year, his wife was also working on her doctorate in Political University.  Yesterday, as Huang’s mother and his wife heard the news of his death, they both shook in disbelief, they’d cried so hard.  Huang’s mother told the D.A., that Huang had just passed his doctoral exam, and they were just discussing where they’re going to celebrate the occasion, that he and his wife are getting along very well, with no pressures of the economics, that there’s NO signs of him being suicidal.

Because Huang didn’t leave a note, the investigative officers asked the families if they could provide the passcodes for his cell phone, so they could clarify the reasons of his suicide; both the mother and the wife said it wasn’t necessary, that they have NO comment toward the cause of death.  After the officers learned of the families’ wishes, they’d returned Huang’s things and his body, and his cell phone, back to his families.

Based off of understanding, yesterday at around eleven in the morning, Huang had a cup of coffee, as he’d climbed up to the sixteenth floor of the multiple activities building, he’d wandered for a short bit, after he’d finished his coffee, left his wallet, with just his student I.D., the coffee, and his cell phone, climbed out the window, and, jumped to his death.  Shortly after he hit the ground, the members of the public who were out for a stroll close to the school saw, and immediately called it in, as the paramedics got to the scene, he was already dead, and, after an hour’s worth of emergency resuscitation, he was pronounced dead.

So, we can only speculate WHAT, had caused this doctoral student to commit suicide, but, nobody can and will be able to know for sure, because the only one who can answer those questions is already gone.

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Filed under Choices, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Decision-Making, Despair, On Death & Dying, Social Awareness, Social Issues, Suicides

Keep the Defenses of Life

Translated…

“Mr. Tsai, will you forgive them?  When they’d done wrong, they were still, so very young.”

The big boy, L, who’d voiced this question, is closed to 6’3, he was once the star pitcher of the professional baseball league, he’d thrown a ton of games which led his home team to victory, he’s one of the best defense pitchers in all of Taiwanese baseball history.

But, we’re talking about key points, not how well he’d done, two genius pitchers, one of them, a high school older schoolmate by a year, C, C had once received record-making wage when he’d signed with the Japanese professional baseball teams, and had struck the batters out for twenty-eight games consecutively, became the keeper of the record for “Japanese Pro Baseball Players’ striker”.  Another was T, “He’s a natural born pitcher, a star among stars.”  L described him using a worshipping tone of voice, T was also the very first pitcher that went on to the American Major Leagues.

And still, both C and T got involved in gambling, and, at the height of their careers, they were banned from the games, for life.

“On one end of the table was a gun, the other, your wages for an entire year, and, there was a beautiful woman, scented in perfume, leaning onto you.  When the world used the most enticing things to seduce you, and, all you needed, was to trade it in for a game, no matter how strong your soul, you will take the bait, right?  Mr. Tsai, they were so very young then, will you forgive them?”, L’s heart went out to them, and, my heart started wrenching.

I too, have a ton of regrets, regretting those brand new shiny stars all around me, because they couldn’t defend themselves against the gravities of those black holes, they’d gotten, sucked in, one by one, and, lost their chances to shine through.

For instance, B, who works for the custom’s offices, and M, who works for the police department, their departments had been taking bribes for long periods of time, if they entered into this “tradition”, they can get an extra fifteen days’ worth of salaries per month, and if they don’t, they will be transferred out.  And so, they’d become, “assimilated” and “gotten used to it”, until something went bust, then, they’d not only lost their public posts, along with their good reputations, and they also have that stain on their originally perfect records.  Back then, they’re not yet thirty, they were all once, my good students.

Temptations come in all shapes and sizes, but, they’re all just as enticing.  For instance, what Freud worshipped as God, sex drives, and the desire for revenge from Hamlet.  On that hot summer’s day, my close friend, “Rock”, before them, because his soul wasn’t heavy enough, he’d gotten, pulled in, and, he’d served, behind bars, for eight years for it.

“I can’t believe that I actually got out of there alive.  This lesson was, way too expensive!”, as the class reunited, the past had, stuck in Rock’s throat, “I’d lost my right to an attorney, lost my marriage, missed out on my own son’s coming of age, as I’d entered the prisons, he was still an elementary school kid who stayed close to his dad, and now, he’s a last year high school student.  This class I’m teaching, you ALL must understand!”

Rock knew, we’re all, fighting off temptations our whole life.

“Professor Tsai, will you forgive them?”

That day, I’d answered L, that I would, but, the rest of the world never will.  No matter how well they’d performed on the fields, so long as they didn’t keep the defenses of their souls up, in the end, they will, pay for their own lost battles.

L had once played for the team that’s most involved in sports gambling, but, unlike C and T, he’d not given his soul easily, he was still the pitcher with the lowest “rate of defense”, and so, the beautiful woman next to him, after waiting for him for ten years, decided, to marry him; and, the manager, my student, Renee, was moved by his simplistic and pure soul, after L worked hard, to defeat Korea, struck out ten batters, and, in exchange, for the sport injuries that’d caused him to lose his professional playing career, he’d decided, to keep watch over him for life too.

In a blink of an eye, youth passed by, with a bit of temptation, life became smokes.  And so, I’d treated, C, T, and Rock as the mentors of my life.  I know, that every day, every moment, of this life, I will be, tested by temptation, but, I must take after L, to put my defenses up, and so, in the days that come later on, I will get to, advance.

This, is the understanding of life a person learned from watching someone else’s life unfold, and, in interacting with the varied individuals, the writer learned who he wanted to be more, and who’s a bad role model whose steps he shouldn’t follow, a good way to learn from someone else’s mistakes here…

 

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Tricky Decisions

Thinking Too Much, Overanalyzing the Situation…

Storytime with John

There are often tough decisions we have to make in life – some of them are major heart-wrenching numbers, you know; should I move abroad to look for work? Should I go back to school? Do I really need extra cheese on this XL pizza? 

But occasionally these choices demand an instant response, and can’t be deliberated – the choice is a split-second one…and in this moment your brain spins into total chaos attempting to pick out the least offensive best fit ~

Fresh GIF

That happened to me a few hours ago…in a frenetic snapshot that lasted only a few seconds. You see I was innocently on my jolly old way to the supermarket at about 3:00pm – so I could beat the lines, and get it all over with before I had sniffling school children, and their beleaguered parents wrestling with me for the last on sale pork chop. No…

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Filed under Awareness, Behavior Modifications, Cause & Effect, Choices, Decision-Making, Interactions Shared with the World, Interpersonal Relations, Miscelaneous, Observations, Perspectives, Relationship, Self-Images, Social Awareness, Socialization, Story-Telling

Why Couldn’t She Care For Her Own Mother & Older Sister Back Home?

Because we’re already married, and, it’s NO longer our responsibilities to, but we’re still asked to, because we are, daughters!!!  A Q&A, translated…

Mr. C felt taken for his good friend, Madam A’s situation…

The sixty-year-old Madam A since she retired from a teaching post in a public school, she’d gotten the monthly retirement pensions.  Her eighty-five year-old elderly demented mother who had a stroke was left in the care of her never-married, eldest sister, who’d helped put A through her schooling to handle.  But now, her eldest sister is getting older too, and was without a job, and could no longer care for their mother.  A was grateful toward her older sister for her kindness, and thought, that the caretaking of the mother, they should shoulder together, and so, asked her husband if she could use a part of her monthly retirement pension, to put into helping her eldest sister and mother, but, the husband was strong and forceful in denying her the rights, and, put strict restrictions on her accounts.

Later on, A couldn’t put up with how her husband had insulted her own families, left her own home, and, used the money she’d earned to help make the ends of her, her eldest sister, and her mother’s livelihoods meet, but the husband said horrible things about her endlessly.  A wanted to divorce, but she couldn’t abandon her only daughter who is living and working overseas, what, is she to do?

A My Advice…

All the earnings that A brings in, was allotted by her husband, and, the husband treated his own family of origin with generosity, but, his in-laws with stingy, he’d used double-standards.  Her husband had put up the money for his own younger brother during the holidays for a very long time, and even covered the expenses of his trips abroad, and A had never said anything about it.

Four years ago, when A’s mother had surgery on her uterus, she’d put up the medical bills of $50,000N.T. herself, back then, her husband was abroad, and, he’d thrown a FIT after he’d returned, claimed that when his mother-in-law sells the house, he will get the medical expenses back.  And now, her mother became demented and had a stroke, her husband had used even harsher words, “Your mother and eldest sister are the TUMORS of our marriage!  BAGGAGE!”

This never-ending insult, caused A to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, she’d wanted divorced, but worried about the effects it would have on her grown daughter, she couldn’t make up her mind about it.

If A really wanted to divorce, her grown daughter is not the issue here, the important thing is, is there nothing left between her and her spouse.  A must make up her mind, and, making up her mind is: collect the evidence, find an attorney, to protect her own assets, to NOT end up with nothing in old age, after working hard her whole life.

And, I’d imagined that this is still a build up, the husband’s behavior toward her side of the family, and maybe, because the husband was NOT a direct member of her family, meaning that he didn’t HAVE a parent with dementia, or siblings that needed the economic supports, that, was why he was not at all understanding to his own wife’s doing things the way she’d done, and, the money she’d earned, was her, what RIGHT has her husband, to put it into a joint account?  And plus, the husband covers for his own younger brother’s living expenses, even travel fees too, so that, is double-standards that this LOSER is holding!

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What a Mother Learns from Her Deaf Child

What a Mother Learns from Her Deaf Child…

Found on NBCNEWS.com…

I was a first time mother, far from home, when I discovered that my three-year-old son had a hearing impairment.

It was a shock because he had passed all his hearing tests and was even one of the first babies in my mothering group to say “bye-bye” on cue. I thought he was not only developing by the book, but excelling too.

was a first time mother, far from home, when I discovered that my three-year-old son had a hearing impairment.

It was a shock because he had passed all his hearing tests and was even one of the first babies in my mothering group to say “bye-bye” on cue. I thought he was not only developing by the book, but excelling too.

In retrospect, there were signs that something was amiss. When he played alone he was so deeply concentrated that he was hard to reach (“he’s just ignoring you”, people told me), he had a deep physical attachment to me (he would never just run off on his own), he hit other kids in daycare and kindergarten (anything to get a reaction he could understand) and he had started to mouth the words I was saying (apparently he was teaching himself how to lip read).

I was relieved when we received his diagnosis. The worst part was not knowing what was wrong. It also explained so much, and of all the things that could have been ‘wrong’ with my little boy, deafness was certainly not the worst. His father took the news less well. “But I wanted him to study music!” I remember he exclaimed.

We later learned that it’s quite normal for a parent to experience this depression and mourn the “perfect” child they used to have. The trick is to see that your child is still perfect, that they are the perfect expression of what they are meant to be.

Kai’s world blossomed after getting his hearing aids. It was obvious that he needed them from the moment he put them on. Having not heard for so long, he appreciated how this piece of technology could change his life completely.

Fitting in

But even though he took to his new technologically-improved life, I needed him to know he wasn’t alone. I made sure he was surrounded with imagery of other children with hearing aids and brought him into contact with other hearing-impaired children.

Ironically, he isn’t actually “deaf enough” to join the deaf community and we did not have the choice to send him to a special needs school for deaf children. If we had, he would have learned to sign and would now be part of – what I have experienced to be – a proud parallel society with its own culture, identity and role models. Instead we gave him hearing aids and sent him to ordinary schools where he received additional learning support.

This approach is called ‘mainstreaming’ and superficially it sounds like a good idea. If we could choose to be part of a bigger society, wouldn’t we? However, studies have shown that children like my son with moderate to heavy hearing loss tend to experience a lower quality of life than children who are more profoundly deaf. The latter go to school with each other, where they learn sign language and spend time with people who have the same issues as they do. This trend has been changing, to great debate.

Ambitions

Kai is now a teenager and seems to be thriving. His father’s fears were unfounded and he has already been in two bands, playing guitar in the first and drums in the second. He is even experimenting with music production. I’ve seen him design his own t-shirts and his father told me he’s a great skier. I know he’s not too bad on a skateboard either.

He still sticks out, though. One morning, a little girl came up to us and asked me, “Do those hearing aids help him?”

She was sweet – I love it when people just come right out and ask instead of gawking at him. And I understood why she asked. I was on my way to pick Kai up from school one day, when a group of kids from the deaf school boarded at Østerport Station [in Copenhagen, Denmark] and sat across from me. Despite having a deaf child, and against my better judgment, I stared at them.

I stared at their hands and the speed that they signed. I stared at their hearing aids and wondered if Kai would have preferred hearing aids like the blue pair worn by one of the boys. They didn’t notice me, so wrapped up and secure in their own little world to give me notice. I wish that my son was sitting next to me so we could witness this silent beauty – the incredible ability of human beings to adapt.

Then I remembered the little girl who so openly approached us the other morning. Some day, she and Kai could get on a Copenhagen train and talk, and continue their lives together with everyone else in the city. He too has adapted and, despite his limitations, is thriving.

I remember when he first learned about Einstein and he asked me what type of scientist he was.

“A physicist,” I replied.

“Well, I want to be one like him when I grow up.” I smiled, knowing that Kai didn’t necessarily want to be a physicist; he just wanted to earn people’s respect like Einstein had.

Kai may go on to learn about general relativity. He may even study music at the Royal Academy. We really don’t know what he will do. As long as the society he finds himself in is committed to accommodating everyone, the only limits he will ever experience are the limits he chooses to accept.

[This essay was originally published in The Murmur, an English language newspaper in Copenhagen]

And so, this, is what the mother learns from her child who’s hearing impaired, and, raising up a normal child is hard enough now, and, she’s doing an amazing job with her deaf son there, and this boy is slowly achieving his own independence from his mother, despite his hearing troubles, because the mother was not afraid, to let him strike out on his own, and, this boy has dreams that he will see come true on his own, because of the amazing people he’s surrounded with.

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