Category Archives: Loss

Secrets & Rebirth

When death occurred, so very, suddenly, we couldn’t, adapt, but, eventually, as time passes we’d, learned that it’s the love we felt for those whom we lost that will, forever, stay, translated…

My in-laws live out in the countryside, still very agile, and healthy.  Every now and then, we’d gone home to visit them, the two would start complaining about each other, and everybody was laughing and enjoying ourselves, not known, that bad luck was, already, at our, doors.

On an August morning four years ago, my father-in-law lay slanted on the floor, passed out into a coma.  We’d rushed him to the hospital, where we were told, that he had a hemorrhage in his brain stem, he’d fallen into comatose after the surgery, was in, a vegetative, state.  In the hospital, my mother-in-law kept telling me, “Your dad always called me weaker, that he would let me die before him, how can he do this now?”, not wearing enough clothes, she was pale, but, without any tears, and stated to us, “if you are going to set up the funeral for your father, don’t waste time nor energy, just do it like the elderly neighbor woman.”

Destiny is this, when it comes, you can’t, stop it.

On that very afternoon, as my father-in-law was taken to surgery, I’d given my mother-in-law a lift home to rest a bit, the families called us, told that my father-in-law’s surgery went well, that they got the hematomas out, the two of us, embraced and started crying, we’d thought, that the skies are, turning light.  And yet, not long thereafter, my mother-in-law complained that her heart was beating too fast, that she was, feeling, ill, and the ambulance came over, again.

the new life after their elders are, gone…

photo from online

In the E.R., this time, it was, my mother-in-law who’d gone into, a comatose.

The doctor on duty told that it might be the Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, caused by enormous emotional distress of sudden onset, causing the heart to not be able to cope.  A week later, my mother-in-law had an embolism in her brains, and we’d decided, to have her, unplugged then.

My father-in-law kept his promise, stayed alone on this earth, to withstand the tortures of his body, he’d become, slimmed down very quickly, and a year later, he’d, finished all of his, missions on, earth.

That old house dimmed down, faced the sunset, all alone now.  We live in the city, and rarely made it back, didn’t want to, get reminded of, all of, this.  Until the start of the pandemic, in stage-three alert, we had, no other places we can go, and finally, we’d, returned back to their, old, stay.

Cobwebs, geckos, the cracks on the walls, the dust, the leaks……….from that day four years ago, there were, the traces of that day that remained, we’d, started, cleaning up, and, a lot of the, secrets, they’d, begun, surfacing, back up.

At the bottommost layer of that old camphor cabinet, we’d found the saving books and the stamps stashed there under the few bowls; the camphor beams on the roof, there were, the gold necklace my in-laws saved for their granddaughter as dowry; in the notebook there was, the ledger of how much they’d spent by the days, they’d only spent $5,000N.T.s on groceries, there were the diaries my mother-in-law kept during my father-in-law’s service terms, when they were, separated, with how much she’d missed him…………..

Those who’d, suddenly departed, couldn’t say goodbye in time, using this means, to leave traces of them selves behind, so those who’d survived, can, slowly, heal, using their own ways.

Last winter, we’d started setting up the racks out in the garden to plant a loofa; started in October, the bright yellow flower of the squash started, fighting to get our, attention, the fruits were, grown in by the huge numbers now.  The yellow and green colored country scene, the new life began, in the, old-style mansion home.

And so, life still goes, on, even after those whom we loved and cared about are, gone, and, after the griefs all you will remember about those whom you’d loved and lost, are the, better memories all of you had made, and share.

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Filed under Fate, Life, Loss, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life, Values

Holding Out, for an, Ideal…

We’re all, holding out, for an, ideal, that perfect love (that still does NOT, exist), that perfectly fitting job (yeah, uh, right!), etc., etc., etc.

Because, we were, way too, stubborn to believe, that life don’t work according to all our wishes (it’s not like we can rub that lamp, then, a GENIE pops out, and grants us everything we’d ever, dreamed of).  Yet, we became, way too, stubborn, persisting on, holding out, for an, ideal, of what life SHOULD be, when it isn’t, and we drifted, way, way, WAY, too far from our own, god damn, realities, and, when we finally get that “knock” on the door, we’d become, millions and billions, of lightyears away, from where we need to, and ought to be, in our, lives!

and, all it took, was, that, “poke”, then everything, B-R-E-A-K-S!!! Photo from online

Holding out, for an, ideal, this is, quite, dangerous, because, what’s ideal is what we all want (temptation calling???), and yet, it’s, beyond our, reach (otherwise, it would NOT be called an “ideal”???), but we, still, stubbornly believe, that hey, we can, reach whatever farfetched dreams we have (being the first astronaut to travel to all the planets in the Milky Way, yada, yada, yada, yada!), and in the very end, we are still, too, grounded by our, separate realities, which consisted of, those bills, piling up the kitchen counter, taking over our lives, dishes in the sink, laundry overflowing the baskets, trash everywhere.

And we still, get, TRAPPED!

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Filed under Awareness, Life, Loss, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Reality Clashes with Dreams, Wake Up Calls

The House of Her, Nightmared Past…

How many nightmares, can a house, “hold”???  She kept wondering, as she got out of that house she grew up in…

The house of her, nightmared past, she’d tried so hard to, escape from, to get away, but, no matter how far she’d, drifted from that nightmared house where she grew up, her mind always, dragged her ass back!

things that continued to hurt her that she can’t, get away, from…photo from online

The house of her, nightmared past, where she’d been, tortured, raped (it wasn’t “physical”, or so she’d, recalled…), and left for dead, but she’d, not died, because, she’s still, right here (don’t ask where!)…

The house of her, nightmared past, she couldn’t, outrun, it’d, become, a part of her, long, long, long ago, before she, grew up!  That house of her, nightmared past, it’ll, always be right there, in her mind, NO matter how hard she’d tried to erase that part of her childhood, it won’t, “go away”, that, easily…………….

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Filed under Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suppressed Memories, White Picket Fence

Finally, We Met

Infertility, miscarriages, that baby bump, etc., etc., all experienced, by a woman’s, body here!!!  Translated…

Been married awhile, my belly stayed, perfectly, still, as I’d discussed with my husband, we’d gone to the fertility clinic, and, as we were checked, we’d followed the advice of the physician for us to continue with the in vitro fertilization, and several times, they’d all, failed, we started contemplating if we want to continuing on to the next stage: in vitro.  To tell the truth, I’m a bit, scared, my husband worried that my body can’t handle it, worried that I may not be physically well enough for the whole thing, told me that it’s okay; hearing his words so warm, I’d, squeezed his hand, told him I want to try it.

The first time, we were lucky, the embryo got implanted, I’d felt so blessed, but by the seventh week, the baby’s heart stopped, and I can only describe the moment of me realizing this as thunder and lightning strike.  I’d held it in, not broken down at the hospital, as we got home, we’d held onto each other and cried too hard, maybe, the affinity is just, not yet, I’d consoled myself.  Waited until I smoothed over my loss, I’d decided to get my systems well enough, then, give it, another, go.  Two years later, we’d gone for the second in vitro, as the embryo was implanted the beta-human chorionic gonadotropin rose up slowly, and, several returns back to the clinic, the fertility specialist told us that this time, it’d failed too, looked at my husband’s face, I’d pretended to be tough, told him, that we shall, try one more time, and if it still didn’t happen, then, we leave it, up to, fate.

And, I held the mindset of, “it might fail again”, got my third in vitro, then, the embryo implanted successfully, and all my digits steadily rose up.  But this time, we both decided to wait until after the first trimester before we shared the good news with our loved ones.  After all, receiving all the concerns, it’d, caused pressures on us too, and, we’d been trying for a very, long time, and we’d thought, if this time is still bust, then, we shall, stop trying.

Although, we’d told one another this, as well as our own selves, but, I’m still, quite, anxious.  Thought about how my first in vitro got only to seven weeks, so this time as I went in for my exams, I’d felt, expectant, and scared, looked up at the monitor screen to see the ultrasound image, I remembered to this day—that seven-week-old tiny little heart, beaten out that strong rhythmic, pulse, with each beat, it was like it was saying, “hi mom, first time seeing you, hello!”

And, after each and every try that didn’t work, you have to go through the loss emotionally, and physically, and yet, the thought of having a baby is too strong to beat, and finally, that heartrate is, steady and stable inside, and now, you just have to keep your body healthy, until your child is ready to meet you in person physically.

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Filed under Advances in Medicine, Cost of Living, Fertility, Life, Loss, Observations, Properties of Life, Values

Memories, Getting Torn, Down

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s, paint it over, ‘cuz these memories grew, too, god damn, old, they’re, such, eyesores already…

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s, just, get rid of, all of these, eyesores.  Oh wait, you can’t, you had yet to, sort through them, while I’m already, done, sifting through these, broken up parts of my, childhood.

like, this…

photo from online

Memories, getting torn, down, this is, only, an, eventuality, an, inevitability, I mean, you can’t think, that you’re gonna be able to, keep them all together, whole, forever, did you?  I mean, you HAD, accounted for the possibility of, memory loss in old age, right???

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s just, get rid of this whole thing, for once, and for all, I mean, I don’t need this “marriage” (just BRING that GUN to my supposed wedding here!!!) that I got locked up by, and you, you’re still, clueless just as the day we met.

And I REFUSE to be with STUPID again!

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Filed under Awareness, Cost of Living, Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Things Left Behind

“The Rabbit Hole ATE My Childhood”…

Alice woke, right at the moment, when that, ax, went down toward her N-E-C-K!

She’d, waken up, covered in, cold sweat, she’d, felt around her neck, then, upwards, toward her own, head (thank GOD it’s still there, my H-E-A-D!!!).  She tried getting up, but still felt, dizzy, of the effects of, her decapitation dream…

She’d, walked around the garden, and, found that Rabbit Hole that she’d, followed the Rabbit down from about, two, three hours before (depending on how long she was down for her “naps”).

Suddenly, she’d felt, the breathes, getting out of her, that was when she’d, realized, that SHIT (children should NEVER use that word!), my CHILDHOOD is, G-O-N-E!

how she, woke! Artwork from online

She’d started screaming: “That Rabbit Hole ATE my childhood!”, what do I do, what do I do???  Being as young as she, she couldn’t, comprehend what just, happened, but she knew, that something was, taken out of her life, like there’s now, that hole in her heart!

“The Rabbit Hole ATE my childhood”, she’d told her parents and her nanny.  “Well, there’s NOTHING we can do, I mean, unless, you can, catch that rabbit that stole your childhood away, and, maybe, if we make HIM into, Rabbit Stew, then, you might, get your childhood back, but it’s, NOT a one-hundred-percent thing!”

“The Rabbit Hole ATE my childhood”, well child, be GLAD, that nothing ELSE went missing from your life, what’s the worth of childhood anyways, we’d left all of that behind us, her parents told her, and it still, was NOT, reassuring…

And so, Alice is now, lost, without her own, childhood, and, she’d tried to find that Rabbit Hole in her parents’, garden, but, couldn’t………………

That was, how Alice, became, an ADULT, in just a forty-five minute to two hour nap that one, afternoon.

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Filed under Burying One's Own Child, Childhood, Innocence Lost, Loss, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Queen Tina's Fables

Meeting Up at the End-of-Year Company Gathering

How the twists and turns of life had been, difficult on this man’s, childhood friend, despite how she became, a famed, singer, life is still, not at all, easy for this woman!  Translated…

Once at the end-of-year company gathering, a familiar singer came to perform, it’d reminded me of that time in my childhood.

Reason why I’d remembered her especially, was because she was the very first who’d professed her love to me.  As I was growing up, I was overcome with illness, and I’d gone to her house to get the glucose shots to get my energy back; her house was the only pharmacy in our little town, and the neighbors’ aches and pains, are all reliant on her family’s pharmacy.

She loved to sing when she was a young child, and would often run to my home to sing for me, or watched the cartoons with me.  Once as she’d finished her songs, she’d told me, that she likes me, and that hoped that I will, NEVER, change, at the moment, I felt so bashful, not known how to respond.  As we were about to graduate from elementary, she and her family moved to Nantou, and lost contact with us, the family’s former, neighbors.  I’d heard, that it was her older brother who took to the wrong paths, after middle school, he’d not continued his education, and her father gave her older brother the money for a record shop, the record shop didn’t make it, they’d owed a ton of debts, sold off two of their houses, and it still wasn’t enough to make up for the costs, and the family can only hide out for a bit in Nantou.  Later, she’d become a single, and gained some fame, that was when I’d known, that the princess when she was growing up, to help her family’s finances, started singing at the restaurants, and got discovered by the talent scouts, climbed the ladder step by step, to being a singer who has records.

As the encore of the end-of-year company party was over, I’d turned to the backstage, to see that princess of my childhood, but I was unsure that after twenty years, she being a star, would she still, remember, me?  The moment our eyes met, my doubts went away instantly, as she’d called out my nickname I used in childhood, and told of how excellent I was, at reciting the texts in class.  The words came fast, as she was to rush to her next performance, and I’d forgotten to get her contact so we can catch up later, and yet, it was, more than, enough, after all, we’re both, okay.

Afterwards, all of her information I’d read up on on the news, only knew, that she’d lost her color in Taiwan, and turned to China to sing, then married, was abused, divorced, then, took her child and moved in with her own mother in Taiwan.

If I could meet up with her again, I can only say, that the cartoon of “Journey to the West” we’d watched together, the Buddhist monk, after all the trials he’d weathered through, he finally met Buddha in the West, and, become a Buddha himself, I hope, that she’s away from the trials of life, and has a smooth-sailing life.

And so, this is this woman’s trials of life, of how she’d gotten to stardom, of how she married the wrong man, who’d abused her like her own mother was abused by her own father too, but, maybe, she’s made a name for herself, as a singer in China, and this friend from her childhood, can only wish her the best in life.


Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Bad Examples Parents Set for Children, Children Murdered, Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Observations, Properties of Life, The Fate of a Woman, The Observer Effect

I am NOT Damaged…

Mind you!  I am NOT damaged here!  Just because someone forced himself onto me, and no, I still did NOT ask for it here, that doesn’t mean that I DESERVED it!

I am NOT damaged, it took me, a very long time, to finally know, it wasn’t, my fault, and took me even longer, to finally make my self accept what had happened to me.

I am NOT damaged, that’s the term, ascribed to the victims, and I’m still NO “vic”, I’d, survived already.  I am NOT damaged, you can see me as whatever the @#$% (maxed out!) you want to see me as, it don’t matter, ‘cuz I know HOW I came into “being”, I know what made me into who I am, and nothing can, replace that!

walking through the fires, and surviving it! Illustration from online

I am NOT damaged, so, don’t EVER, pity me, I got ZERO need for those shits, and if you want to pity someone, pity yourselves, for your lack of education, for your ignorance.

For not all of us, who’d, survived through these, serious SHITS in our separate lives, deserved any of your, pities, not all of us, enjoy playing that role of the vic, besides, got NO need for all that, unwanted attention in my life.

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Filed under From a "Victim" to a "Survivor", Life, Loss, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

PATTY GIDDIS                                                                Inbox – iCloud  3:23 am   Fine let’s talk this way   To:   Daddy,   Maybe this way you won’t hang up on me again or worry about my roommate knowing my sordid secret.  She’s not even here to peek over my shoulder at what I’m typing – actually would never […]

DADDY by Kristin Garth — Punk Noir Magazine

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Awareness, Children Murdered, Children that Didn't Have to Die, Choices, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Everyone Else's Fault, Excuses, Expectations, Family Dynamics, Incest, Interactions Shared with the World, Life, Losing Sight of What's Important, Loss, Love Became Murder, Memories Shared, Messed Up Values, Negligence, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, White Picket Fence

The Next One Will be Better

Caught him cheating, and so, it’s, break up time!  Translated…

The summer evenings, with that, smoky, scent and the breezes so gentle, I’d asked the person I was into to a date at Bitan, and it was getting late, I’d worried, that he couldn’t make the final trains, I’d told him to, go ahead.  Normally, it was me who watched her leave, but this time, he’d told, “every time I’d left before you, this time, I will, watch you go then.”, the two of us stood still at the gates, and I couldn’t, turn him down, and so I’d, told him, to be safe on his way home tonight.

It was midnight, as I was ready to pick up my scooter to ride him, I’d bumped into my professor who was just getting out of a dinner party. We’d chatted for a bit, as I’d, ridden out, readied to go home, I saw the passenger riding on the back of the electric scooter, she looked, more and more, familiar, and I was shocked to realize, that it was my date who’d said she will see me off first; at this time, he’d wrapped his arms around the waist of another man, the two were laughing and talking together.

It was like the primetime soap scripts, I was, shocked, afterwards I’d called him up, and he’d admitted that he had, many whom pursued him, that I was, merely, one of the, many.  I got angry, and stopped all contacts with him, I’d told my friend about this, and he’d only smiled and responded, “thank heavens you found out early, the next one will be, better!”, I’d clasped my hands together, “Grateful I am to you, professor, you’re, with all the, foresights I needed!”

And so, had you not bumped into your professor on that night, you wouldn’t have been delayed, and had you not been delayed, and you wouldn’t have caught your boyfriend with another guy, and so, it was bumping into your professor, that was exactly what fate ordered for you, to find that your boyfriend was, a cheat!

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Filed under Homosexuality, Infidelities/Being Unfaithful, Life, Loss, Properties of Life, Unrequited Love, Wake Up Calls