Hey Pop,It’s been awhile. It’s been 31 years to be exact. In fact it was 31 years ago today when you left us. I’m sorry it’s been a little while since my last letter. Not sure if you can see the news where you are but the world is in a little bit of a tailspin. […]Letters From A Son: A Note To The Old Man — The Written Addiction
Category Archives: Loss
Call this, the, “confessions”, of a, porcelain if you wish!
Piece by piece, you’d, GLULED me back, only, to SHATTER me, all over again? Why, huh? Why do you need to, hurt me like that? It’s, hard enough, to feel all of my, broken pieces, not intact, like I’m, about to, fall apart at any given moment. Why why had you, put me back together again?
Piece by piece, you’d, GLUED me back, and, the next time someone did something AWFUL to you again, you’d, taken it out of me, and I’m supposed to what? Just, keep on, getting, beaten up by you, is that it, huh?
And so, what if, I’m only, a porcelain doll, an object, I hurt too you know? Well, I don’t, but I get shattered, and that, is how I know, that I’m, hurt!
Piece by piece, you’d, GLUED me back, and again, and again, you’d, shattered me, all over, and now, there’s, NO a single millimeter of my skin that’s, in one-piece, because of you!!!
And I blame you, for breaking me apart, you should’ve, just, trashed me when your mother told you to, but you didn’t…………
Until the darkness swallowed us, whole, we will, NEVER be aware enough of what the darkness entailed, and, by the time the darkness takes us over, it’d be, too late! Until the darkness swallowed us, whole, until we have, NO more light, we won’t, know just, how precious, light really is, as we’d, taken it, for granted, all this time…
when this, is all you’ll, EVER, see! Photo from online
Until the darkness swallowed us, whole, but, that would be, too late then, we would’ve, sunk, too deep, into, that darkened, abyss, to even, get our selves, back out to the surfaces again. Until the darkness swallowed us, whole, it’s always, until the darkness swallowed us is, took that light away, would we, finally realized, just, how precious, light is, in our lives, but by then, we have, NO way of, getting it back.
Until the darkness swallowed us, whole, until, we lived in the darkness, for a long, long, long, long time, we won’t, realize, just how important, that light we’d, once had was, and then, we can’t, EVER, get it back, it’s, already lost…
They don’t call it HINDSIGHT for nothing you know???
Death is, the only gift I can, give to you, love! I don’t want you to, suffer anymore…
When death is the only gift I can, give to you, I can’t! I just, can’t bear the thought of, losing you, it’s, too painful! When death is the only gift I can, give to you, because you’re, in so much pain, and you’d, become, reduced, to less than you were, from when you were still, healthy, happy, and free, and now, you got, trapped, inside this, sick little body of yours, growing weaker by the day!
When death is the only gift I can, give to you, will I be able to, just, let go, of my love for you, knowing that, you’d be, better off, DEAD? And, how can I, say goodbye to you, my love, after we’d, shared, so many years of our lives together, of all that we’d, weathered through with each other, huh?
like this???photo from online
You’re, asking too much of me, and I just, can’t! I can’t, let you go, you mean too much to me, I can’t, lose you, it hurt, just, thinking about it!
When death is the only gift I can, give to you, then, I will, force myself to give you just that, because, I will, NEVER allow you, to suffer, like someone I used to love, suffered, before he was, put down!
So yeah if death turns into, the only gift I can, give to you, then, I shall, give it, and nobody says SHIT about it!!!
I need you, I’m desperate here, won’t you, help me out, come, to my aid, rescue me???
I need you, uh, that’s, nice, but, I don’t, have any need, for anything (instead of anyone, ‘cuz of the “downgrade”???) like you, and beside, nobody was EVER there for me when I needed someone to help me out, so, why the !@#$ (maxed out???) do I need to, be there for you right now, huh?
not an order like this…image from online
I need you, but I sure as hell don’t, the only one I’ll ever need, is me, and I got me all right!!! I need you, why? ‘Cuz, you’re, supposed to, love me, for rich or for poor, in sickness & in health, ‘til death! And, you can’t, break that promise you’d made to me!!! Why not? ‘Cuz you say so??? That’s NOT REASON enough, not for me!!!
So, this ends in then? Let’s not have this god DAMN !@#$ING (maxed out???) discussion EVER again.
but more like, this, I suppose…image from online
The memories of trauma, suppressed, because the individual, was way too young, and, something DID happen, maybe, just not the version of the story that this person had told, to her/his, adult counterparts, translated…
There was something that happened when I was younger, that impacted me, something that’s, a part of, my chaotic memories…
At nine, my mother wanted me to test into the GT classes of an all-star elementary school, that’s, farther away from where I used to live, I’d gotten in, and, she’d, transferred me there.
On the first day of school, as I arrived home, I’d told her, that I was, almost, abducted by a bad guy, there was, a woman in a covered up motorcycle helmet that told me she’d brought the lunches for my mother to me. I’d told my mother: back then, I was playing outside the gates of my school, and the woman asked me to go with her, I’d felt that something wasn’t quite right, because mom wouldn’t do that, and I’d, run scared, back to the school. But, I wasn’t, acquainted with my new school yet, it took me, a long time, to finally, get back into my class.
As I’d told, I’d, started crying scared. My mother was shocked, the very next day, she’d, called up the school, as well as the Department of Education to, we’d, almost gotten the case on the press; within a week’s time I was, transferred, back to my former school again.
But actually, this, was a story I’d, made up.
There were, two primary motives of me lying: to find a justifiable reason for me heading into school ate, and find a way to go back to my former school, that’s not based off of “I don’t want to go to my new school”.
Two years ago, with my deep-rooted guilt, I’d, told my parents this truth, admitted that I was, lying to them from back when in the family therapist’s office, and I’d, made up the stories, from an illustrated book my parents bought for me, “I Have a Way”, and, the details of what the woman whom I’d told had, tried to take me away, came from the illustration of a person in a helmet, trying, to take a child away in the pages.
Because my story was, fully-thought out, without any flaws, to the point, that my parents, as well as the staff members of the school all thought it was, true, for almost, twenty years.
Do children who read, really behave themselves? The knowledge I’d gained from reading, taught me how to commit a crime.
And yet, up to recently, I’d felt, chaotic of this memory.
There was a part of me that felt, that might there have been, something that’s, happened to me, even though it may not have been, the version of the stories I’d told? How else, would I come up with, the specific details, including what the woman sounded like, what she was dressed in, what her scooter looked like…………
The me at nine years old, I’d, watched the scenes, played on in my mind, as I’d, “retold” my mother what had, happened (and if I remembered correctly, the highest scoring section of my G.T. exams was in the “thinking skills in space and images”). And, I’d, started crying like there was, no tomorrow, to the point I was, trembling hard, if I were lying, then, how come I had, such physiological response? Could it be, that I’d, fooled myself into believing? Or, had there actually, been something that’s, too awful, too shocked, for the me at age nine to accept? So I’d, forgotten, and, altered this memory of mine, to make it, fictitious?
Several years ago, I’d gone to a hypnosis therapy session, to deal with the problem of ‘feeling a ton of pain, but I can’t cry”. This was, completely opposite to the me at nine, who’d, “made up a story, that’s, false, and cried like it actually, happened.”
And yet, at the physical classes, I’d shown, the “reflexive response outbursts” in crying, as the coach helped me to relax my diaphragm, I’d, started, wailing hard, it was, a sort of cry, from the depth of my body.
The coach told me, that the diaphragm is a place where, “unresolved emotions are, stored”, so, there may be, some sort of, very deep trauma from long ago, that’s still, not yet, entered, into my consciousness, stayed still inside of my body.
I’d instinctively felt, that in the lies I’d told when I was nine, there might have been something, that’s made me stuck, as a twenty-nine year-old, grown up right now.
So, something definitely happened to you, because of the physiological response of your body, and this sort of a response only comes, when the body had, experienced, something that’, extremely, traumatic, so, maybe something HAD, happened to you at age nine, just not as you’d, remembered it, being almost abducted by a stranger, maybe, it was, something else, that’s, more serious, because the body, it, NEVER lies, and it’s, up to this individual, to dig even deeper, if s/he can, to find out exactly, what had, happened to her/him in his childhood years, and resolve what happened to her/him, piece, by piece. And, until this person resolved everything, s/he will, always, have that thing that’s, blocking her/his path, from reaching her/his, full potential.
There were, those, dreams, that fell, into the CRACKS of reality, that were, never seen, or heard of, ever again! Where did they go? Is there, a blackhole, that SUCKED the life out of all things that used to be alive, from this realm, to the next?
Dreams, that fell, into the CRACKS of reality, they got lost, in the tramples of the day to day, don’t you remember, a long, long, long, long, long time ago, back, when you were, way too innocent, to KNOW, that you can’t, live on dreams alone, what, did you want to be, when you “grow up”? Now that you’re, all grown up, did you ever, got the chance, to pursue becoming whatever it was, that you wanted, to become as a kid?
this, is where those dreams will be found…photo from online…
Dreams, that fell, into the CRACKS of reality, I’d, made that unmarked grave (you know, those mounds you see in those, vacant places around???) as their, final resting places, and, I’m sure, that NOBODY will, EVER come look for them again, so, I’d, still, gone to that burial site of all those dreams that fell, into the CRACKS of reality, to see them, to talk them, to hear them, tell of their, tales, of how someone (their “owners”???) used to love them, and cherish them so very much, until the person, grows up………
Dreams that, fell, into the CRACKS of reality, they will, continue, to fall into those cracks, and get buried alive, until one day, you look back, and realize, where those dreams, were lost in time, and by that time, you go and dig ‘em all back up, they would’ve, suffocated to death, as you’d, buried them alive, back when, you were, a whole lot younger.
Dreams, gone up in flames here…photo found online…
The trials someone faces toward the end of a loved one’s life, translated…
“We’d all wanted to hold our children’s hands, to watch them get older, but unfortunately, fate had other plans………” as Shu-Mei talked, she’d started, sobbing. She’d shared with the patients and the families, her own experiences, “Do we, or don’t we resuscitate?”, that is the final questions, that a lot of the terminally ill patients will face, it’s also, a heart wrenching memory for Shu-Mei, her husband had been gone sixteen years now, and yet, that intense heartache had, stayed.
Her husband was diagnosed with a rare condition when he was forty-six, he’d become bedridden for over a decade, and, couldn’t control anything, he’d already, become so discouraged, to the end, when he was on the respirators, he’d still had difficulties breathing, the doctor said, that only a tracheotomy can save his life, and, her husband wanted to die, and they’d, turned down the doctor’s offers, but, as their daughter came to see him with her five-month-old son, it’d, sparked his will to live again.
The doctor saw how he was hesitant, gave them three weeks to think about it, during which time, Shu-Mei lost a lot of weight, the whole family was living under this, dark cloud. If they’d decided to put him on a respirator, the patient will be living, off of the respirators; if they don’t, then, very shortly thereafter, he would die, he will, NEVER see her husband again. Shu-Mei was confused on what she should do, her husband asked her, “Do you want me to die?” She’d naturally not be willing to let him go, started crying, and became, silent, and respected whatever he’d, decided. It’s just, that during these years counting down toward death, he’d always worn his frowns, and, gotten stuck between life and death, don’t’ know if he’d, regretted it?
“Back then, the medication had yet to pass the coverage of the health insurance plans, it was very expensive, there were the expandable items of phlegm tubes, the diapers, the feeding tubes, the caretaker’s fees………”, Shu-Mei told me, even as her whole family started saving up, it wouldn’t be possible for them, to pay for his care, she’d needed to work days and nights, and his daughter part-time through school, and they’d needed monetary assistance from their families, friends, relatives every now and then too. For the years, the medical bills, she’d, stuffed them all inside a drawer, and after her husband passed, she’d started, sorting through them, and, the amount exceeded five million dollars, she could bought a house with the money saved up. “Although taking him off life support only took a total of fifteen minutes, but there’s, such a high price for it, and, as life continued, and the patient had, suffered, it’d also, put the loved ones under great duress.” Shu-Mei told me, the pain, got in too deep, into her heart, that it’d, slowly, suffocated her.
A woman in the support group, whose husband was ill, started, sobbing after she’d heard, she said that they’re currently, facing this difficult choice, especially that they didn’t have enough money saved up, and she worried that she’s not as strong as Shu-Mei had been. Another woman looked worried, that her husband just had an intubation, at the age of thirty-something, he’d, fallen very ill, her mother-in-law loved this youngest son the most, and couldn’t stand seeing him die, and even if her son can no longer call her mom, even if he’s kept alive by those machines, she was willing, to keep him alive. It’s just, that the wife found, that her husband, when his own mother wasn’t looking, he’d tried, to disconnect himself from life support, seeing how twisted and in pain her husband’s face became, she said, that there isn’t a day she hadn’t cried.
Shu-Mei patted her gently on the shoulders, and cried with her, “We all want to grow old with our children, having each other with, but, fate wouldn’t allow it”. If it’s already set, then, just live with it, everything shall pass eventually. Shu-Mei consoled with the woman in her support group.
This, is a hard issue to deal, to let go, or to keep hanging on, but, when the patient is suffering so much, it’s only the right thing to do, to unplug her/him off life support, but, a part of you just, wasn’t willing, to let someone you love die, and so, you have to, struggle hard over the matter, and, eventually, you will, realize, that letting the person you loved dearly die is the best choice, because, keeping the person alive, means prolonging their sufferings, and, nobody wants to see their loved ones suffer toward the end.