Gaining the Love in Holding on & Letting Go

On parting with the things that we loved, but have, no use for, giving them to someone else, so these items, can bring that same kind of joys, to their, new, owners…translated…

The alerts on my cellphone started sounding off, it was my coworker who is close to me, sending the photos, my heart felt warmed as I saw the pictures, and tears, started, coming too.  In the picture, her daughter was focused, beading the beads I’d given to her, with the box full of what was once mine, but now, a gift, to her, little, girl, my best, treasures.

Inside that box, an assortments of beads, the felts, the ribbons, the colorful glitter pieces, and the rubber stamp carving tools I was into many a year, ago.  Because of the move, I’d, found boxes of handicraft materials, and knew that her youngest daughter was good with her hands, and loved the handiwork, I’d, given the box to her.  My coworker told me, that her daughter was surprised, and started screaming in her excitement, too happy, and, as he pretended he was taking it away, she’d, started, crying too.

A few days ago, my old friend also sent a heartwarming photo from the angle of the parents, it was her daughter, coloring in the coloring books, with a thank you card, handwritten by the child to me, the slanted writing showed the gratitude, and her joys of getting the coloring book, and as her aunty, I’d, received all of the joys and her thank you.

These past few weeks, I’d sorted through my home, and gave away, so many, presents, whatever they were, book, tools, or the items that I had for a long time, and in the process of cleaning things out, I’d found—wow, I’d, acquired, so many, treasures!  Watercolor, oils, pottery, weaving, the metal accessories, the materials for handcrafts, the boxes were, dug up one by one, and, it was truly, difficult for me to part ways with these items, but, I’m too grateful to these cherished treasures that waved goodbye to me, now that they’d, gotten new owners, and, brought so much joys to their, new, young owners.

From before I watched a video, a decluttering expert who helps people clear out the spaces in their homes, she’d told, “every object has its mission, like those cards you can’t, discard, actually, their missions were, completed, the moment they got to your, hands; they’d given you tons of joys, you can, take photos to keep the memories, or, after you said thanks, part ways with them, that way, you wouldn’t, stack things up in your, homes then.”

I’d grateful for what I once had, whether if they were given to me, or if I’d, bought them.  They symbolized the bliss I once, had, even though, I’m saying goodbye to them now, I’d, owned that bliss, again, because they’d, given the joys to someone else; to have this sort of giving and taking in life, it’s, such, wonderful, thing!

And so, this, is the attitude of saying goodbye to the things we owned, we’d not lost these items, instead, we’d, gained the memories of what those items meant to us on a deeper level, also, we get to, see the joys of someone else, whom we’d, given these things we once loved so much, to too.

The Tragedies of Murder in Domestic Violence Cases, the Couple Need to Be Careful Not to Allow Their Emotions to Run Haywire

This is still in HINDSIGHT, which is still 20/20!  Off of the Newspapers, translated…

The Criminology Department professor, Cheng from Zhongzhen University observed the case of domestic violence resulting in three deaths and one wounded, that this is a classic murder case of domestic violence, Wu and his wife got into a verbal altercation, he’d murdered his own wife, then, killed himself, he exerted borderline personality traits; the county government’s social services department had sent the social workers to help the families with the aftermath, the school started the counseling for the students.

Cheng stated, that if the couple’s relations showed signs of trouble in communications, domestic violence issues, the Domestic Violence Prevention Center should be notified, the Family Education Center, as well as seeking out help from a marriage counselor or a psychotherapist, and the families, the neighbors should get a little nosier too.  The family and community counseling center manager, Lu by the Chiayi University said, males are less likely to seek out help, he deducted, that the husband may have accumulated the bad feelings for along time, then, exploded, and it’d caused harm to his own, young.

The supervisor of the Chiayi Chapter of a nonprofit organization, Lee told, that the youngest son who’d survived, who’d witnessed these violent acts and tragedies may show signs of withdrawal, refusing to go to school, insomnia, and loss of appetite and other symptoms, that the help from a child psychologist may be necessary for him, the families and school need to help him get the assistance he needed, stay beside him, to offer the child emotional and social support.

The counselor, Lin stated, that parents should NOT see the children as their own properties, hurting them, and taking their lives, the individual who’d gone violent should also be more aware of her/his own anger management, if s/he feels angry, then, s/he should get away from where s/he is, and start breathing deep, to calm oneself down, to lower the chances of doing something that one would regret.

Yeah, this is still, all hindsight, and, there’s still, NO way anyone could’ve, prevent this tragedy or any others like this one, because, we only read about these things in the news, and let it become yesterday’s new, and we forget, and the key to prevent these sorts of tragedies is by having a higher sense of awareness of oneself, and yet, do people have that?  Not really, because if everybody is too aware of her/himself, this SHIT would not happen in the first place, would it?  Of course not, and, you also should not get jealous, and that is what everybody needs to work out, to STOP mistaking possessiveness for love!

That Drawer of, Lost, Memories…

That drawer of, lost, memories, stashed somewhere in time…

With its contents, forgotten, by its, previous, owners!  That drawer of, lost, memories, will it be, opened up again?  Or, will it, stay, shut forever?  Nobody can, tell.

That drawer of, lost, memories, it’d, stayed, inside our minds, with all of the contents, kept neatly tucked in, with all the monsters of our separate childhood, locked, inside the box.

in a darkened place in your, minds…illustration from online

That drawer of, lost, memories, don’t you ever, wonder, wonder ‘bout what’s in it, that you’d, forgotten already?  Don’t you wanna, open it back up, to examine, every piece of evidence of what you’d been, put through?  Why not?

That drawer of, lost, memories, it’d, stayed, inside your mind, in that, unlit corner (b/c you refused to put that spotlight on it, to bring it, to your, attention!), and there it will, forever stay, and it may become, brittle, ‘cuz you’ll, start to, forget, when you’re, old.

And then, that drawer of lost, memories, shall, NEVER be, discovered again, and you wouldn’t even have a single clue WHAT you’d lost, because you weren’t, aware of ever, having had what you’d, already, lost, and it SUCKS to be, Y-O-U!

Your Back Side…

I kept chasing, chasing, that unknown shadow, that was a symbol of, you to me…

Your back side, it’d seemed so, distant, so huge, so, dark, so majestic, and I try to, match myself up to that, but always comes up, a bit, short (‘cuz I’m not as tall or big as you!).

instead of it being like this…

photo from online

Your back side, been chasing it, since you’d left me behind in my childhood years, and, so many times, it’d felt like you’re just, at the tips of my fingers, within my reach, then, you’d, burst, and, you were, gone.

Your back side, I keep on, chasing, like that dog who’d, discovered his own tail, and just goes around, in circles, circles, and circles, heading, NOWHERE!  Your back side, went out of focus for me, and I’d, blinked, again, again, and again, to regain my visions of, you, but couldn’t…

Your back side, I’ll always be, seeing, I will, never, get ahead of you, because you refused to let me have, my right of, way, it’d been like that since I was too young, too short, too tiny, to surpass you, to now that I’m an adult, you still, won’t allow me to, get ahead of you, because you fear, that I will, leave you, far, far, far, far behind, like you’d, left me too.

it’d become, this…

with the adult, walking, AWAY from the young child…

The Miscalculation of Weight Gain that Will Help Me Fit into Those Dresses Perfectly

No matter how beautiful they all are, if you can’t fit into them, they’re still, scraps, and finally, you’d decided, to donate these dresses you loved for all these years, to someone who may find use for them, translated…

It’d made me feel, regrettable, as I’d opened up my wardrobe, saw those classic, elegant, good quality dresses.  As I was younger, I’d loved dressing up pretty, and enjoyed going to the couture shops to shop, once I got into a high-end couture store that was hosting a sale, and, these few dresses are from my carefully selecting from the racks.

I was only in my thirties, and these dresses seemed, a bit, old-fashioned in style, and they were, a bit, too large for me then, but I’d still told myself, that I got a good bargain for the cost, that maybe they would NOT fit me now, but, as I grew older, into midlife, and gained some weight, then, they will fit me, perfectly!

All the way home, I was, gloating, grinning ear to ear, at my gains, and, saw myself in those, dresses, how elegant I would, appear.  As I got home, I’d, gloated to my husband about what I did.

like this??? Photo from online

“Yeah, they look great, but how do you know for a FACT, that you will, gain weight later on in life?  And besides, maybe, you would change your taste in style by then?”, he’d lightly, poured, that glass of cold water, all over my, parade then.

And, he was half right.  I’d, waited until I’m past sixty, still not gained any extra weight, instead, due to the loss of my muscle mass, I kept at forty-five, forty-six kilograms prior to age fifty, and now, I’m, defending forty-two.  And, although, these dresses still won’t my taste contest, but they’d, drifted, farther, farther, and farther away from where I am now!

Back then I thought I was, “preparing for my future”, and now, it’d become, a “waste of resources”.  Gazing upon those few dresses that I’d kept for more than thirty years, although they still appeared, brand new, but the unchanged fact was, “I can’t wear them”, and there’s nobody I can give them to; I’d made my mind up, I shall, donate them tomorrow then!

And, it’d been told, that “dreams are what keep us alive”, and, yet, a lot of things, they don’t go, as we, planned.  Year after year, I’d often imagined, “one day, I shall, put these, beautiful dresses on me”, I’d dreamed this dream for more than thirty years, and, although, the dreamer still, woke up, but, these more than 10,000 days of dreaming on, I suppose, it was, worth what these, dresses had, cost!

And so, this, is how something you thought that were, too pretty to lose, that you’d kept forever (literally!), still end up as, useless, because you hadn’t gained the weight that you thought you would gain in midlife, and so now, you let these items go, but the images of you, fitting perfectly in those, dresses you loved so very much, shall stay forever fresh, in your, mind.

The Earth IS, My Belief, a Night Prayer

How we are all, participants, to help slow down the effects of, global warming, starting with NOT using the once plastic eating utensils when we get our foods to take out, and bringing our own, shopping bags to the marts when we go purchase things we are in need of, and, if enough people are onboard this “plan” to reduce the plastic trash, then, maybe, global warming won’t happen so fast, translated…

There is, NO mercy in the world Darwin’s discovered, the scientists told, that the Polar Icecap is, melting down massively, that by 2040, the polar bears are going to be, a thing of the, past, and, we humans will only be able to, sail on the ark, on what used to be the continents, to get away the salted bodies of, water.

and, here’s a chart of what we can do!

to help REDUCE the OUTPUT of trash that can’t be recycled, or reused again!

The droughts, the major floods, the hurricanes of Godzilla grade, the wildfires that raged like the hell that burned, are they, the signs of warning from up above, or, was it, from the greed of, man.  The prophets, the scientists, already predicted what awaits us, is it too late, to repent?  Do give us a little more time, please?  The Kyoto Agreements became, bedtime stories, but, look at the giant wind-powered fans by the seaside, the Tesla driving all over the, streets, proving, that we are now, hearing, your, S.O.S.

Although, you are our Mother Earth, but, from this day forward, I shall, love you, like you were, my child, carrying the water bottle, shopping bags, and, seeing those, unrecyclable garbage that won’t get dissolved through the passing of time, as a great malice, thou shalt not shop online is my Eleventh Commandment now, I shall, sing that praise for you, the miracle of Universes, Amen!

And so this is what one person is, doing, for our planet, and not everybody IS onboard, but, if more people are onboard with this plan of not using the used once plastic things (i.e. bags, forks, knives, spoons), and start bringing their own eating utensils to the restaurants, or, take the foods out, without the extra shopping bags, the plastic eating utensils, we can, greatly reduce the amount of TRASH we are making on earth, and hopefully, that’ll, lessen the strains on the environment a bit, only if, WE all, participate in this, one person’s doing this won’t be enough!

Every Child is Happy in the Amusement Parks

On how cruel the parents can be, without themselves, knowing it, abandoning US, their own FLESH-and-BLOOD!  And yet, we still all, grew, UP…translated…

I still loved taking my children to the Children’s Amusement Park.

As my father was younger, he too, might have understood this also.

It was mildly cooler on that day, thinking back, I suppose that it was at the time when autumn is about to, head into, winter.  The reasons for it, unknown, to me then.  One day as I got up, my father and my mother discussed something in a quiet voice, then, he’d told me to come with him.

That was a day of school, as I recalled, so, why didn’t he bring my younger brother too?

I was staying quiet, and focused on staying quiet, uncurious, but, I was, secretly worrying, that my father was, taking me to sell me off to someone.

what the, amusement park ride looked like to this man when he was only a young boy…photo from online

The drive wasn’t a short one, I’d no longer recalled if I’d shared conversations with my father or not, and, even if I had, I’m sure, I’d only spoken, a few, words, back when my father was younger, he’d not known how to talk to his children.

And finally, we got off the freeway ramps, and it was surprising to me as he’d pulled into the parking lot, the colors of the rainbow came into sight, it was, the rambunctious, loud, Children’s Amusement Park.

Don’t know if anybody recalled the “Tien-Yuan Villa of Doliou”.

My father bought us the fares, and, stuffed a hundred or was it two hundred dollars in my hand (back then, that was, a whole lot of money), told me to go into the park to play, to get myself something to eat if I get hungry.

He’d told me, “before the park closes in the afternoon, I will come, and pick you up.”

And at that moment, I’d understood, that my father took me to get babysat at the Children’s Amusement Park on the day.

How grand was that, I tried hard, to hold back my grin, as my father looked, very serious then.

Shortly, my father sped off, and the old woman who was watching the gates close by, didn’t say a single word.

I’d entered into the park, recalled how I had a ton of, fun, gone on every single right, it was cool, the weather, but I’d, sweated a whole lot on the day.

When I suddenly felt hunger, it was past noon, I bought a corndog, had an orange soda, burped a few times, I felt more than, happy and, satisfied.

what childhood is like, for most of us…photo from online

I’d stuffed myself then, time for the Haunted House, I’d not dared entered since I got there in the early morn.

I saw a couple, who were, smiling very radiantly as I was standing in line, looked like they were, checking into a motel or something.

Thinking back, it was, quite, metaphorical, that a couple entered into a haunted mansion together.

They may get married in the future, and, maybe, they will become, someone’s parents, and, bumped into a ton of, scarier things than ghosts, and some of which will probably be too hard for them to handle, but, so long as they still shared the love, they will probably be able to, laugh, about it.

I’m scared of ghosts, and couldn’t even, open my eyes, and just, clung on to that older girl’s shirttail all the way, thankfully, she’d not found me a nuisance, she was like a mother, held me close, gently.

Don’t worry, it’s all, fake, she’d, told me.

Exiting the Haunted Mansion, I’d passed the couple by, don’t know why, I’d started, feeling, something weird.

I’d felt, very, alone, so suddenly.

Lost my sense of play then, just, sat on the benches, by the, trash can, watching the people go to and from, envied how they were laughing, and crying too.

As the evening came, I’d not noted that it had, until the song “Goodnight” by the singer came on, chasing the visitors, out.  As the skies grew dark, everybody was then, exiting, I’d started worrying then, worried over time, and, I’d, waited and waited, and waited, until, there was, absolutely, NOBODY else around, then, I’d, stumped, outside.

The elderly woman who was watching the gates, smiled and saw me off, still, without a single, word.

I’d turned around for one last look, the amusement park was then, taken over by darkness, without the sounds of joys, or the, color, and I’d felt, that the amusement park is also, lonely, that what she wanted, wasn’t to say goodbye to me, but for me, to go in again, to be with her.

Maybe, the Children’s Amusement Park WAS, the loneliest place on earth, so, that’s why, people always go there, together.

I’d waited for my father outside, tired, and cold too, the skies was completely, darkened, to the color of the blood, red, the car drove off one by one, the crowds, left, to the point, that I could, no longer, see my own, self anymore.

As my father’s headlights showed, the skies had, lost color completely then, even the elderly woman who kept the gates had gone home already.

Ahhhhhh!  Closed so soon!  He’d gotten out, and, blurted out this, lie.

I’d, believed him.

At the time, I still had two younger brother, and could understand it, the every parent had a different mode of making their, marriage work, but, they were all like, the Children’s Amusement Park, bitter, lonely, and in pain on the inside.

Until I became all grown up, with children of my own, I’d still prayed, that every child, when they were taken to the Children’s Amusement Parks, they are, happy.

And so, this, is how we all, grew up, being, abandoned by our parents, physically, and/or, psychologically/emotionally, because, our parents are all, ill-fitted, unequipped, to “handle” their own young, US, and that, is how children lose their, innocence, in their, younger years, without them ever, realizing that they had already been, “stolen”…

Memories, Getting Torn, Down

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s, paint it over, ‘cuz these memories grew, too, god damn, old, they’re, such, eyesores already…

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s, just, get rid of, all of these, eyesores.  Oh wait, you can’t, you had yet to, sort through them, while I’m already, done, sifting through these, broken up parts of my, childhood.

like, this…

photo from online

Memories, getting torn, down, this is, only, an, eventuality, an, inevitability, I mean, you can’t think, that you’re gonna be able to, keep them all together, whole, forever, did you?  I mean, you HAD, accounted for the possibility of, memory loss in old age, right???

Memories, getting torn, down, let’s just, get rid of this whole thing, for once, and for all, I mean, I don’t need this “marriage” (just BRING that GUN to my supposed wedding here!!!) that I got locked up by, and you, you’re still, clueless just as the day we met.

And I REFUSE to be with STUPID again!

The LAST Ride, Before, You Were, Gone…for, Good

The LAST ride, before, you were, gone…for, good, you took me on, and I was, a bit, scared, as the speed you were, riding me, was way too high, it’d felt like I was, flying, and it’d, scared me, but, I loved you, so, I’d, gone along…

The LAST ride, before you were, gone…for good, didn’t know, that that, was the very LAST time I’ll, ever, see you, alive, I was, way too, young, inexperienced of the world, until, until, you took me on that, LAST ride, before you were, gone…for good.  Then, all of a sudden, I’d become, an adult, with her childhood, left, behind!

That LAST ride, before you were, gone…for good, thought that you will always, watch over me, and I guess, that in a sense, you still are, watching, over me, just, not in this world that I’m currently, left, behind in is all.

what that, looked, like! Photo from online

So many things I’d wanted to say to you…well, there’s, nothing I can think of, to say to you, after all, you are, a stranger to me, through my early childhood days (and even IF you’d been present, I wouldn’t, remember it!), my adolescent, you’d, come in and out, made the, occasional, visit, here, and there, then, my adulthood, we’d, reconnected, sorta, but, you’re still, a stranger to me, the more I’d, found out about you, and now, you’re, gone, for good!

I keep on, replaying that LAST ride, before you were gone, for good, and, I thought I had more time with you, but in the end, time was, a liar, it’d, stolen everything from our, lives………

My Father’s Watch

The values that’s, assigned to your father’s, favorite, watch, based off of how he’d, lived his, life, that you now, carried forth…translated…

My father was almost, completely, blind before he passed, and that’s why he’d, placed his cherished pocket watch into the drawers, and never took it back out again.  I remembered this watch very clearly, when I was young, when my father came home, he would, carefully, take the watch off his wrist, then, wash his hands thoroughly, then, put the watch back on.  Sometimes, the watch had, slipped into the sink, and the surfaces scratched up, and he’d, felt really bad over it.

On this day, my mother found his watch.  It was, in the original box with the warranty papers, like how he’d taught me to write, each stroke is perfectly written, easy to read.  As my mother sent me the photo of his watch, I’d smiled, that was, his style all right, even as he’d become, visually, impaired toward the end, he still, kept his collected items, very neat.

an heirloom, like this!

photo from online

My father’s watch was very unique, as when I was still wearing the electronic watches, I’d watched that watch of his, with the second hand keep on ticking away, not at all resembling the sound of the second hand on the clocks; and, although he’d not worn it long, as I’d, shaken the watch a bit, the second hand started, going around again, just like him, he’d been gone a very long time, but whenever I’d recalled him, saw his belongings, he’d, surfaced, back up into my mind again.

I’d decided to take my father’s watch to the U.S. with me, and wear it often like the ad of the watch: Generations to Generations, passing it on, like an heirloom of, sorts.

Those who put this watch on, will keep on, walking on, they will keep on, working hard, dressing well enough, doing the things delegated to them, correctly.

So, it’s the values you’d, associated with this watch of your father’s, that you took, not just the watch, as the mementos of what he’d, left behind for you, and, it’s interesting, how things have that value assigned to them, that gets, passed from one generation to the next.