I’m Not a Porcelain Doll, the Reflections in the Doll Corner

This morning, the Porcelain climbed off that high shelf that her owner kept her on display, toward the floor, and, she stood there, in front of the mirror (b/c it’s a girl’s room, and ALL girls want to get dolled up, don’t they???), and, she’d looked at her self in the mirror, left, and right, like how a scientist is examining something s/he’d just, discovered…

I’m not a porcelain doll, Porcelain mumbled to herself, although I looked delicate, fragile, easily shattered, but, I have, a heart of a Raggedly Ann, you can SHAKE, toss me, and let me DROP to the floor, I still won’t BREAK!

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, the Porcelain decided, that she will NOT be fragile like she’d always been, she’d wanted her owner (a little girl???), to pick her up, and play with her without worrying about shattering her, and so, Porcelain started changing, metamorphosing, and, the little girl who’d owned her, hadn’t seen her, she’d, forgotten about the existence of this particular Porcelain she loved so much.

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, I won’t break if you shake me too hard, and, even if you tossed me high up in the air, and I come down, landing on my head, I still won’t CRACK wide open!

But, although Porcelain had, made up HER mind on not to break anymore, she still can’t change her physical self, and, surely enough, she’d, shattered, for the last and final time, and, we are all gathered here today, to MOURN the loss, of our dear friend, Porcelain, she was, a very good doll, she just can’t get satisfied, being WHAT and WHO she is, that, is why, she had “died”………

When Life Happens by Fate, NOT by Choice

This, is how those unwanted pregnancies never got aborted…

When life happens by fate, not by choice, what, am I supposed to do, with this life I got, that’s not my choosing, I kept, running ‘round in circles, nonstop, bumping into those god DAMN dead-ends without the answer I’d sought after so many times.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, well, you don’t have a choice, you’re already OUTSIDE (of your mothers’ bodies!!!), and, you got NO other option, but to live this life, that’s endowed to you.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, but, life DOES happen by fate, and NOT choice, you didn’t choose, to be BROUGHT into this world, at the time when you were born, it wasn’t, up to you to decide, and, all you could do, was to, live with the SELFISH consequences of your god DAMN parents’ unprotected FUCK!

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, you may think, that you have a choice in everything you do, but you don’t, as everything’s already LAIN out, and, those so-called choices you’re misled into believing that were up to you to decide?  They’re really, actually NOT, it’d been decided, SINCE the moment you were born, and, how is it that I’d come to know all of this?  Let’s still just say, that I KNOW everything, as I had become, a MISS-KNOW-IT-ALL, since 2008, and, I did die, back in ’08, and still, I’d, “bounced” RIGHT back to life, after that final decapitation I’d endured…

“Lost the Last Bet in Life”, a Last Year High School Placed Over Ten Thousand Dollars of Debts, Gambling on the Teams of the N.B.A., He’d Committed Suicide

Had he known better, but he didn’t!  From the Front Page Sections, translated…

A high school student, He from the city of Taichung disclosed to his classmate on the 10^th that because he’d signed the gambling slips for NBA, he’d managed to owe over thirty thousand dollars’ worth of debts, that his life was over, “I’m going now!  Lost my final bet in life.”, the classmate immediately went to the police to report, and the police managed to find out where He was, but, it was too late, he’d already, committed suicide by burning charcoal in his bedroom already.

The 64^th Police Precinct in Taichung on the afternoon of the tenth received a panicky high schooler who rushed in, and he’d shown the police the conversations he’d shared with He using LINE, told them that he worried, that He might commit suicide.  The police found his address, along with the records of members of his family, they’d notified the father, and, He’s father recalled how he hadn’t seen his son come out of his room, that it was odd, he’d broken into his son’s room, found that he was already dead, and there was also, a bowl of charcoal, burned, completely.  The coroners believed, that He had committed suicide by burning charcoal, and they will look into, whether or not He was forced to pay the debts he owed from signing the gambling slips or not.

And so, that, just shows, how easily they will fall, and, when you’re that young, you should NOT even BE into gambling, but this young man was, and, because he couldn’t pay up the debts, he felt his life was OVER, and committed suicide!

Fate Led the Way

We’d allowed fate, to get ahead of us…

Fate led the way, down this well-trodden path, and, although we both knew, that traveling down this already walked-down, over and over passage will lead us nowhere, we’d still followed fate around.

Fate led the way, but I didn’t want to follow it, I was forced, to go along, and so, I’d become, really resisting to fate’s ways.  Fate let the way, because we’re told, to trust our own fates, for fate knew, where we’re destined to end up, and, we are given, NO other options, but tag-along behind it.

Fate led the way, and, we both ended up, getting lost, losing sight of our “leader”, fate.  Fate led the way, but, why?  Why should we follow fate?  Does fate know, WHAT, is really good for us both?  Or, is it, just leading us on this wild goose chase, this run-around, making fools of us?

Fate led the way, and, eventually, we both gave in, because fighting with fate, that’s a game neither one of us will EVER have the slightest chances of winning………

Mr. Coffee Who Managed to Turn His Own Life Around

Translated…

The very last session of the semester, I’d had a barista, to come to my class, to speak to my students about his life.  He’d opened with something, that shocked all of my students.

Compared to the past guest lecturers, who’d ranted on the glories of their work, this barista told my students, that he’d only had a technical high school degree, worked as a bar boy, a construction worker, a parking attendant……anything that makes him the money, he’d done.  He’d once lived, a life of carelessness, until four years ago, by a chance encountered, he was introduced to coffee, learned to make coffee, and to taste it too.  This, was not only the turning point in his life, it’d also made him the top barista at a certain coffee house.

In order to keep his taste buds sharp, he’d decided to quit drinking, and smoking too, and, he’d stopped eating the foods that may damage his own taste buds as well, and altered his own diet too.

When he’d made the coffees at the bar, he’d often needed to get engaged in conversation with his customers, had, through the cups of coffees he’d made, it’d shorten the distances between him and others as well.

He’d talked of how he and I met up, it was, an afternoon shortly after school had started, I’d walked out of the research lab, carrying my bad mood with me, I’d entered into a nearby café.  It was, a modern place, with the bars.  I’d never sat at the bars, that day, I’d especially wanted to try it out, and because of my wanting to try sitting at the bars, I’d met this coffee man.  I’d struck up a conversation with him, and enjoyed the way he looked, making the drinks, and, each and every cup he’d made became a perfect work of art of his.

I’d asked him, “Can I take a picture?”, Mr. Coffee said, “I’m more than happy to oblige, and you can also, video record me too.” All of a sudden, I was able, to feel his passion about his work.

From that day on, I’d started enjoying sitting at the bar, and, watched Mr. Coffee’s expressions and gestures, as he’d made each and every cup of coffee to serve to his customers, in the end, I’d decided to ask him to come give a guest lecture to my class too.

Most of my friends are those with the high-end degrees, and smooth rides to the top, on this day, after I’d heard him lecture my class, I’m not only in awe at his courage to change himself, and I’m even more impressed at how truthful about his ridiculous past he was toward my students.  From him, I’d seen the philosophy of how everybody is NOT destined to live a certain way, that life can still be changed by oneself, so long as one is willing to change, there would be opportunities in life.

And so, this man was able to turn his own life around, because he’d had a ridiculous past, and, he must’ve learned his lessons the hard way, which, was why he’d become, very focused, doing what he truly loves, and, he’d done some soul-searching, to finally find what is meaningful and worthwhile for him to do, and that, is just how sometime life goes, and, he was able, to make it, because of his hard-working mannerisms.

Adventures

A poem, originally in English, translated into Chinese, then, BACK, to English, by yours truly…

In the high-end salons, the hair washers warned the rich ladies to, NOT place their heads so close to the pond.  The salon was under renovation, the wash basin hadn’t been set up completely yet.  The hair washer just started working.  Last year, at around the same time, she had yet to work as a hair washer.

Back then, she was a chemist, in some certain country, and now, her country’s been taken, as some other country’s properties by way of war.

This, is truly, a risk, the female consumer stated, then, gently, placed her head, until the back of her head touched the edge of the wash basins.

Yes, a sort of an adventure, the hair washer said, she’d reached her hands for the towels, and, placed it, under the female customer’s neck.

(Originally from The New Yorker, September 9, 2013.)

Such a transition, isn’t it, on how the female hair washer went from being a highly paid chemist, to a blue collar worker that washes other people’s hair, and this still just shows, how life can be full of twists and turns, and, when one is dealt a curve ball like this one, one can only, adapt.

Taken the Hard Road to Conception

Infertility issues here, and, it is, especially hard, for those in the Eastern cultures, translated…

I thought, originally that getting pregnant and having a baby would come naturally after I married, without knowing, that it was, actually, the beginning of MY nightmares.

I was a little over a month into my first pregnancy when the doctor believed, that the child didn’t have a heart beat, I’d gone to three separate doctors, and, they’d confirmed, that, it was, “a malformed fetus”, and so, I’d taken the advice of the doctor, had an abortion, and, because I was still quite young, I’d taken a few days of, then, headed, straight back to work again.

Without realizing, that that, was only the beginning of my trials, first, I had a hard time, conceiving, waited for a year, when I’d finally gotten pregnant, I’d taken extra care, but, two months in, I’d miscarried again.  Still recalled how rushed I was, to get to the hospital, and the doctor told me, that I couldn’t keep an unhealthy pregnancy, that I shouldn’t take it to heart too much.  Although I understood what he was telling me, but, I’d had to, swallowed down hard, those tears, it felt, like a bitter glass of alcohol, the sense of loss, was beyond my verbal expressions.

This time I’d miscarried, it’d waken me up, I’d decided, to take good care of my body, on the one hand, I’d gone to see the Chinese doctors, to get my body well, and on the other, I’d sought out western ways, to help me with infertility, during which time, I’m grateful to my husband, going everywhere with me, and, I’d gone to the Chinese doctors regularly by the week.  Because there were so many patients, we’d often had to wait for the entire evening, by the time I’d finally gotten home, it was, past ten o’clock, the very next day, I’d headed over to the Chinese medicine shops, to get the medications, and cook the meds myself.  In the morning and evening, I’d pinched my nose, and managed, to drink down the bitter medication.  On weekends, I’d rushed to the OBGYN’s office, to try an assortment of ways to help me conceive.

My mother-in-law’s side of the family also worked hard, to find an assortment of ways, and, they’d even done a ritual called, “exchanging flowers”, hoped that I can have a trouble free birth.  In all of our working hard together, finally, four years after we wed, I was, able to, have a son.

In the past, I’d had a smooth ride, in school, and at work, I’d thought, that everything I got, I worked hard for, and after going through this arduous process of getting pregnant, I’d understood, that other than believing in myself, and my own persistence, I’d relied even more on other people’s help and encouragements.

My son is truly, a gift from god, without this difficulty in conceiving, I couldn’t have gained the understandings I have for life, and I couldn’t have learned, to be humble or grateful, nor would I cherish what I have right now.

And so, this, is just, a lesson, that fate had you learn, the HARD way, because you’d had a smooth ride all the way, fate tossed you a curve ball, so you’d learned to not take things for granted, and, you’d learned your lesson well, which, is why things have worked out for you.