Secrets & Rebirth

When death occurred, so very, suddenly, we couldn’t, adapt, but, eventually, as time passes we’d, learned that it’s the love we felt for those whom we lost that will, forever, stay, translated…

My in-laws live out in the countryside, still very agile, and healthy.  Every now and then, we’d gone home to visit them, the two would start complaining about each other, and everybody was laughing and enjoying ourselves, not known, that bad luck was, already, at our, doors.

On an August morning four years ago, my father-in-law lay slanted on the floor, passed out into a coma.  We’d rushed him to the hospital, where we were told, that he had a hemorrhage in his brain stem, he’d fallen into comatose after the surgery, was in, a vegetative, state.  In the hospital, my mother-in-law kept telling me, “Your dad always called me weaker, that he would let me die before him, how can he do this now?”, not wearing enough clothes, she was pale, but, without any tears, and stated to us, “if you are going to set up the funeral for your father, don’t waste time nor energy, just do it like the elderly neighbor woman.”

Destiny is this, when it comes, you can’t, stop it.

On that very afternoon, as my father-in-law was taken to surgery, I’d given my mother-in-law a lift home to rest a bit, the families called us, told that my father-in-law’s surgery went well, that they got the hematomas out, the two of us, embraced and started crying, we’d thought, that the skies are, turning light.  And yet, not long thereafter, my mother-in-law complained that her heart was beating too fast, that she was, feeling, ill, and the ambulance came over, again.

the new life after their elders are, gone…

photo from online

In the E.R., this time, it was, my mother-in-law who’d gone into, a comatose.

The doctor on duty told that it might be the Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, caused by enormous emotional distress of sudden onset, causing the heart to not be able to cope.  A week later, my mother-in-law had an embolism in her brains, and we’d decided, to have her, unplugged then.

My father-in-law kept his promise, stayed alone on this earth, to withstand the tortures of his body, he’d become, slimmed down very quickly, and a year later, he’d, finished all of his, missions on, earth.

That old house dimmed down, faced the sunset, all alone now.  We live in the city, and rarely made it back, didn’t want to, get reminded of, all of, this.  Until the start of the pandemic, in stage-three alert, we had, no other places we can go, and finally, we’d, returned back to their, old, stay.

Cobwebs, geckos, the cracks on the walls, the dust, the leaks……….from that day four years ago, there were, the traces of that day that remained, we’d, started, cleaning up, and, a lot of the, secrets, they’d, begun, surfacing, back up.

At the bottommost layer of that old camphor cabinet, we’d found the saving books and the stamps stashed there under the few bowls; the camphor beams on the roof, there were, the gold necklace my in-laws saved for their granddaughter as dowry; in the notebook there was, the ledger of how much they’d spent by the days, they’d only spent $5,000N.T.s on groceries, there were the diaries my mother-in-law kept during my father-in-law’s service terms, when they were, separated, with how much she’d missed him…………..

Those who’d, suddenly departed, couldn’t say goodbye in time, using this means, to leave traces of them selves behind, so those who’d survived, can, slowly, heal, using their own ways.

Last winter, we’d started setting up the racks out in the garden to plant a loofa; started in October, the bright yellow flower of the squash started, fighting to get our, attention, the fruits were, grown in by the huge numbers now.  The yellow and green colored country scene, the new life began, in the, old-style mansion home.

And so, life still goes, on, even after those whom we loved and cared about are, gone, and, after the griefs all you will remember about those whom you’d loved and lost, are the, better memories all of you had made, and share.

Rewriting the Scripts of Her Own, Life

The twists and turns of this woman’s life, that’s led her down that hard road, and now, she’s, finally able to live better, with a brand new love in her life here, after her husband back home cheated on her with another, the story of a migrant worker, translated…

We’d hired two separate nurse’s aides to help look after our mother, one from Indonesia, the other, from, Vietnam.  They were both amazing cooks, kind and gentle, like our families, we’d, gotten connected and close with them both.

Li who’s from Indonesia was only twenty-one, with her parents, her husband, and a son back home, she’d come to Taiwan to find a better way to provide for her families, I’d seen her on the phones, wiping her tears away, it’d impacted me to see, how young she was, and she’d, already, tasted the bitterness of being separated from her, loved ones.

On the weekends, everybody returned home, Li would fix the dishes from her home country for us to taste, sour, and spicy, crisp and appetizing, those who loved the spicy foods will totally love it. What was impressive was, she’d learned to cook the Taiwanese foods well, and my mother had nothing but good things to say about her, she was full of confidence, as she’d told us, that after she returned to Vietnam, she will operate a small diner, to take the business of the Taiwanese tour groups especially.  Li’s husband, every time as her payday came, would rush her to wire the amounts back home to him, I’d thought, that she needed to prepare herself, and advised that she saved some of what she’d earned here in an account of her own, to not wire everything back home to her husband, in case.  “It’s fine, I trust my husband, he is planning on building a home for us, he needed the amount to buy the lot and the materials to build up our home.”  Other than buying the coffees, the magazines, she’d not spent any other amounts, and what’s she saving up for?

illustration from UDN.com

As her term is about to finish, Li’s heart is already home, she’d looked forward to going home to the families, and we all, wished her the best.  But not long afterwards, she’d called us up crying, her husband had long betrayed her, started a new family with his new love, and gambled all the amounts she’d sent back to him to nil.  She’d given everything for family, and in return, she’d, gotten, beaten down, bruised, she’d become, so uprooted, not known what she’s to cling on to to keep on going in her own life.

She’d ended her marriage with her heart broken to pieces, the kids are placed with her own mother, and six months later, Li returned back to Taiwan again, started working at a factory unit as an operator, the factory was close to my home, and she’d come visit us on the weekends.  “Treat here as your own family home then.” I’d recalled the experts’ words listening to the pains of others, accompanying them as they pass through the hardest parts of their lives, that’s, the best sort of console to those in need.

I’d told her, “life is made up of ups and downs, what you’d weathered through, will eventually become experiences to you, do not let the sorrows, the heartbreaks, to kidnap you forever, rather than holding a grudge and giving yourself a difficult time, just, learn to, accept it.”

My neighbor, Mr. Jiang who’d come to my house often to chat, would bump into Li every now and then, he’d lost his wife, she’d, lost her, marriage, they’d shared that common loss of love, they’d looked to each other for that common support of shared experiences of life, but Li’s failed marriage made her fear it.  We’d encouraged her to let go of the past, to pursue her own, happiness.

As Mr. Jiang accompanied her patiently as she slowly healed up, the two married two years afterwards, and because he didn’t have any children of his own, he’d wanted to get Li’s children to live in Taiwan, to give one another a complete, home.  Li’s scripts of life had been rewritten by her, and she’s now, living her, brand new, life.

So this, is how this woman weathered through the trials of her failed marriage of her husband cheating on her, divorcing her, and finally finding that one true love, with a man here, and this still just showed, that fate is kind, to all who wait, that eventually, things will work out, the way it’s, supposed to.

Come, & Live as a Modern Day Woman

The sighed about how women had, no right to their own lives from the ancient times, and how, as modern day women, our rights had, advanced, by a hell of a lot, comparing to those who lived, before us, translated…

Beauty Yang, come, to my hometown for a, visit.

There’s the best lychee, when they’re ripened, the shells turned to shades of mascara red, the flesh with a bit of acidity mixed in with the sweetness, it will, totally, satisfy all your, desires.  Eating those lychees in the fruit farms, is way better than savoring the lychees delivered overnight from Chang-An, freshly picked off of the branches, you haven’t had that.

the portrait painted by the imperial court artist of the emperor’s court, found online

There’s the scentless, unsmelly hot springs of sodium bicarbonate, the water is slippery to the skin, living alone in the olden days, nobody can be your besties, but in modern day, we loved heading out with our female besties, to the springs, totally nude, and we would sit and gossip and talk of everything.  You can, scream out loud over your first sex, Lee, no problem at all, and, cuss out that heartless emperor of the T’ang Dynasty as you may wish, to speak for the love you’d shared with, another, man, of how there was NOTHING going on between the two of you, that you were, only, casual, acquaintances.

No need to attach yourself to a man with higher power, to get the richness provided to you, just need to, work hard, perfect your own skills, and you can, shine like that star, you can, exist, on your own, no need to rely on the breaths of another, man, and share your husband with other women.

The freedom of speech we have here, declared all the unspoken, unwritten in history, allow us, girlfriends, to give you your, deserved, justice.

Come, drink this lychee whiskey sour n one breath, then, we shall, sang that song together.

Had these beautiful, talented, and independent-thinking concubines of the emperors born in the modern day world, then, their lives would be, a hell of a lot, different, as many of them are quite independent, and had they been born out of the eras of time they were born into, then, they may all become, tough, strong women, who don’t need love who can, stand on their own two, feet, without the presence of that man they’d, made to, serve under.  But unfortunately, in the olden days, women were perceived as properties, and we are now these days, and women’s rights had progressed, little by little in this modern day world…

Happiness, Defined

The twists and turns of, life, that offered us those lessons we must, learn well!  Translated…

I’d, squandered the money away when I was younger, and I’d gotten grilled by my mother, for not being, frugal enough.  Back then, I’d paid her, no mind, and talked back, “I’d made my own way, it’s my right to spend what I make, however I want.”  As my mother heard, she’d sighed, said, “wait until you’re in charge of the household expenses, then you will have a taste of what it’s like, being pressed with money.”

My mother grew up in the times when Taiwan just gained its independence, the resources were limited then, plus there are, too many, mouths to feed, life was hard, she’d followed my maternal grandfather in working, to support her household economics, which was what turned her frugal.

I have excellent job when I was younger, with high pay, plus I wasn’t, married, I’d thought, that my life was, on the rise, that it only, gets better with the, times, I’d not thought about, “saving” at all.  Until as I was, discussing the matter of marriage with my husband, I’d found, that I had, only, very little in my bank accounts, not known how I was, going to, afford the items I would need for marriage at all, and in the end, I’d begged my mother to give me her secretly saved up sum to help me out.

Looking at my husband, because his father died when he was way too young, he’d become, totally, self-reliant, worked hard, had excellent performance in work, gotten the boss’s attention, he’d just past thirty years of age, and was already a high-end manager of his company.  Although my husband was frugal on himself, he’d, spoiled me rotten, everything we spend on living, including the house, he’d covered for.  Back then, my best friends, my coworkers thought, that I was, set for life, having found a good man who could, provide for me.

And, after I was wed, I’d not changed my habits of squandering the money away, I only see if I liked something, when I go to buy it; my clothes, my bags, stuffed up my closets until they’d, overflowed, the foods in my fridge are, way past expiration already, and I can only, thrown them all, away.  Although my husband didn’t agree with my means, loving me as he does, he’d, not come down too hard on me.

what all our lives, looked, like!

photo from online

Until the environment changed greatly, my husband’s company was having trouble keeping the operations running, the owner took off, leaving behind, the workers, not knowing what they’re to do next, no pension, the employees hadn’t been paid in months at a time, and the stocks of the company, turned to, trash, it was, next to impossible, to estimate how much was lost, and, finally, I’d, come to, realized, that we’re, in, trouble.

Thankfully, my family was there, backing us up, and we were able to, sail through this hardship, no troubles.  My mother told me, seriously, “you must, learn from these, mistakes!”, I’d told her, that the lesson was, too harsh, that it’d, hit me too hard, and it was only, a few short months back when I’d still, lived in the dreams of my husband’s company’s stock becoming publicly traded, and yet, the industries changed too quickly, and all the machines became, scrap metal, as the owner of his enterprise declared, bankruptcy.

After this serious trial of our lives, I’d found, that the changes in life came, most, unexpectedly.  And so, I’d started working again.  And after this turn of events, not just my values of life got altered, the way I’d, spent the money too.  I’d not spent so, listlessly anymore, other than the living expenses, I’d, put aside the rest in the financial planning, the savings.  As my mother warned me repeatedly, “you don’t think much when you’re younger, you won’t have enough to live through your elderly, years.”

And now, my life is, smoothed, my husband started up his own company, our two daughters, grown, very independent, no need for me to worry over them now.  And, looking at them, I’d come to believe, that they are, way better, behaved than I ever was when I was, their age.

Had it not been this huge turn of life, it would still be quite impossible, for me, to alter my behaviors.  After weathering through this turn of events in our lives, I’d finally understood, that the bliss in life I’m looking for, involves that, simple, and steady, peaceful way of, living from day to day.

And so, this is when life throws you that, curve ball that came too suddenly, that you’d become, totally, unprepared for, and you’d learned your lessons, that’s why, life is now, getting better again, and, you will, take that hard-learned lesson to heart, because if you don’t, something ELSE will HIT you, just as hard, if not, harder again!

A Renewed Friendship, from Retaking the College Entrance Exams

How the fates separated the two of you from before, and somehow, reconnected you two later on in your, lives…translated…

“A river runs by my door, with the hills out back………” there’s nothing that Jing and I loved more, than to climb onto the rooftops, to count the clouds, and sang together, this nursery rhyme.  There is the Daja Creek before the village where we live, with the Basien Mountain behind, with the hot springs, called the beauty sauna, birthing out the friendship we’d come to share.

We were acquainted, even before we were, born, our two mothers, during their afterbirth month long recovery, supported each other with breastmilk for two girls who had a ton of, appetites.  Climbing the trees, to get the bird nests, catching those frogs in the rain, fishing for those tiny shrimps in the rivers, and, watering the holes on the ground where crickets dwelled, the children in the mountains aren’t differentiated by genders, we all played in the wilderness, we are, wild, just the same!

We were in the same class in school, played together, either that I take my bowl of food to her home to eat, or, she’d, taken the empty bowl to my home, to get some food in, we’d, lived, next door to one another, there’s no need to, differentiate.  I have a younger sister by three years, she, a younger brother, by two years, both were, tag-alongs, tried to follow us everywhere.  And, escaping from being tagged along became, the afternoon game in the summertime of, we-spy.

We had fun in the days attending the schools in the mountains, by third grade, Jing told me that her father was transferred by the police station to work down south, where is south, can we get there by walking?  I’d handed her a slip of paper with my address written on it, told her to, write to me when she arrived in the south.  The two of us, at age ten, held our hands tightly, with the tears that won’t stop flowing out, pinky promised, to never forget each other.  So, that’s what, goodbye, tasted like, you will always, remember that certain someone, that makes your heart ache.

By third grade we’d started, writing to one another, with the phonetic spellings and the drawings, like the exchange diaries, we kept writing to one another until our final years of middle school.  Once, a letter with “return to sender” came: no person by this name.  Jing had, vanished.

The letters that got returned again, and again, made me tasted the bitterness of goodbye once more, and this time, we didn’t even get to, say goodbye.  In my schooling career, I’d never met one like her, this best friend of mine from childhood, she was, one of a, kind.

I’d not gotten into the university of my choice, and I’d, stepped down, and started in an all women’s, community college, I’d, stayed for a whole year in the cram schools then, and could, NO longer have my father, pay for my, tuition any longer.

Didn’t get into the ideal school of my choosing, didn’t get in the dorms, can I be, blessed with, any, worse, luck?  I’d found a lower bunk in the army retirement village of a room with, three other, roommates then, the charges are $1,100 per month, without the utilities.  After I’d, set down the things I’d packed, the bunk above mine, became, occupied as well.

“Hi, I’m in the first group, nice to meet you”, I’d, extended my arms out of, friendship.  She’d turned around in a hurry, “oh, hello I’m in the second class, please to meet your, acquaintance!”, then, our eyes locked and we’d, stared, and we’d started, hollering at the same time, “it’s, Y-O-U!, where the HELL did you go?”  she’d fisted me, and I’d, beaten her.  The second semester of my last year of middle school, we’d moved too, and so, the letters she’d sent me, weren’t, received, and now, we’d gotten, even.

We both, took the retests, and, came to the northern part of the island, and, became, roommates, we’d, started, living together.

How strange the affinity is here, the two of you parted from before, and yet, by fate’s hands, you’d, met back up again, and, you are going to, hang on, tighter this time, to your, friendship, to never lose contact with each other again!

Drifted Too Far

On how we are all, drifting, farther, farther, farther away, from where we actually want to be in our lives, as we all, age, and, all it takes, is just, that ONE WRONG turn in our lives from before, translated…

On the canvas, the colors wanted, to go to the colder tones, but, it’d, played, favorites instead.  The lightness of life, wanted to, become, heavier, but, it’d become, wasted instead.  The more we live, the more isolated we became, and, we’d, drifted, too far away, from that, distance that we hadn’t come across a long time ago.

what life looked like, twists and turns, with, one too many ways, to, go wrong! Photo from online

This is how the twists and turns of life, kept us from living the life we need to live, we stray, from the paths of what’s right, and one that first wrong turn happened, we would always be, trying to, set our lives back onto that right track, but we can’t, because life took us on that first wrong turn a long, long, long time ago, and there’s, just no, going back and have our, do-overs again!

Let’s Make Friends

Sometimes, all the plans we can make, can’t defeat, F-A-T-E!  Translated…

Rainbow and Lulu were originally strangers, in a chance encounter, Rainbow asked Lulu to borrow some money for her cab fare.

Rainbow was actually ecstatic, that they had the chance to interact, because she’d noted Lulu a long time, and had always wanted to be her friends, but, she’s way too shy to start up a conversation herself.

Because of the outbreaks they couldn’t meet up, Lulu wanted to transfer the money she’d borrowed from Rainbow to her, but Rainbow told her she wouldn’t have it that way.  Rainbow hoped that after the outbreaks are over, Lulu can ask her out for a meal, to make up for the money for the cab fare she’d loaned to her, which would then, give her the opportunity to treat her out the next time, then, it will help steady their friendship then.

As Rainbow was contemplating how they could hang out in the future in an amusement park later, her delivery arrived.  Opened up the door, just so happened that Lulu was the delivery person.

“Wow, such a coincidence!  I have the three-hundred dollars on me, wait, let me sanitize the bills with the alcohol spray for you!”, stated Lulu.

And, Rainbow’s plans of her getting Lulu to go out on a date with her, bust.

It should be best, to naturally, make friends, Rainbow!

And so, this still showed, how plans can get interrupted by fate, like how this individual had it all planned out, and then, fate stepped in, smashed her plans, and, because she’s way too shy to ask the person she liked if he wanted to hang out, she’d, lost her chances.

Plucking These Numbers

The philosophies, from an everyday, encounter, translated…

“If you stand beneath the fig tree, I’ll, see you.”

“If you see me, then, I shall, go with god.”

“Do you believe?”

“I absolutely, DO, and I absolutely, DON’T, either way, I shall have my, freedom.”

“There are too many places that squirrels buried those nuts, and the worst case scenario, if a squirrel forgets, then, a walnut tree will start growing from the ground up.”

“I shall go with God to the walnut tree.”

“How can you believe what I say?”

“Because you’re, smiling.”

“I’m not smiling, I’m, a flower.”

And so, this, is how easily, you can, be fooled, into believe something that someone claims, because you lacked that strong sense of your selves…you start following that “leader”, with the blindfolds on!

I’m Not a Porcelain Doll, the Reflections in the Doll Corner

This morning, the Porcelain climbed off that high shelf that her owner kept her on display, toward the floor, and, she stood there, in front of the mirror (b/c it’s a girl’s room, and ALL girls want to get dolled up, don’t they???), and, she’d looked at her self in the mirror, left, and right, like how a scientist is examining something s/he’d just, discovered…

I’m not a porcelain doll, Porcelain mumbled to herself, although I looked delicate, fragile, easily shattered, but, I have, a heart of a Raggedly Ann, you can SHAKE, toss me, and let me DROP to the floor, I still won’t BREAK!

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, the Porcelain decided, that she will NOT be fragile like she’d always been, she’d wanted her owner (a little girl???), to pick her up, and play with her without worrying about shattering her, and so, Porcelain started changing, metamorphosing, and, the little girl who’d owned her, hadn’t seen her, she’d, forgotten about the existence of this particular Porcelain she loved so much.

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, I won’t break if you shake me too hard, and, even if you tossed me high up in the air, and I come down, landing on my head, I still won’t CRACK wide open!

But, although Porcelain had, made up HER mind on not to break anymore, she still can’t change her physical self, and, surely enough, she’d, shattered, for the last and final time, and, we are all gathered here today, to MOURN the loss, of our dear friend, Porcelain, she was, a very good doll, she just can’t get satisfied, being WHAT and WHO she is, that, is why, she had “died”………

When Life Happens by Fate, NOT by Choice

This, is how those unwanted pregnancies never got aborted…

When life happens by fate, not by choice, what, am I supposed to do, with this life I got, that’s not my choosing, I kept, running ‘round in circles, nonstop, bumping into those god DAMN dead-ends without the answer I’d sought after so many times.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, well, you don’t have a choice, you’re already OUTSIDE (of your mothers’ bodies!!!), and, you got NO other option, but to live this life, that’s endowed to you.

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, but, life DOES happen by fate, and NOT choice, you didn’t choose, to be BROUGHT into this world, at the time when you were born, it wasn’t, up to you to decide, and, all you could do, was to, live with the SELFISH consequences of your god DAMN parents’ unprotected FUCK!

When life happens by fate, NOT by choice, you may think, that you have a choice in everything you do, but you don’t, as everything’s already LAIN out, and, those so-called choices you’re misled into believing that were up to you to decide?  They’re really, actually NOT, it’d been decided, SINCE the moment you were born, and, how is it that I’d come to know all of this?  Let’s still just say, that I KNOW everything, as I had become, a MISS-KNOW-IT-ALL, since 2008, and, I did die, back in ’08, and still, I’d, “bounced” RIGHT back to life, after that final decapitation I’d endured…