My Daughter, Who No Longer Needed Me to Wait for the Bus with Her

How fast the children grow up, one day, they still need you, and the very next moment, they no longer, needed you, to watch over them anymore!  Translated…

Having to go to school out-of-district, to the big-eyed girl who’d lived, quite simply, was a huge leap out of her comfort zone, a passageway into, an alternative, realm; while her first obstacle was, take the bus.  For this, she’d asked her classmate to accompany her, and, looking at her animated as she returned, sharing her experiences, I’d thought, she should have, no problems then.

“You will, go with me tomorrow, right?”, the night before the summer sessions, I’d received that, helpless inquiry, which alerted me.  The following morn, I’d gone with the big-eyed girl, to the sidewalk with the huge flamegold, and saw a tour bus, parked by, with the LED lights of “XX Student Shuttle”, I’d said hello to the driver, “I shall be driving this route from here on out”, he’d told me.

Then, going to the bus stop, the two of us, mother and daughter, became our, routines.

how we started…photo from online

And one day, my big-eyed girl did NOT go right up the bus, but instead, traded whispers with the driver, I’d questioned it, but didn’t feel proper to inquire her about it then.  As she’d returned home, she’d told me what the driver told her, “he’d said, you live so close, and you still have your mom accompany you, you need to, learn to get to the bus stop on your own!”, as those words came, the air, froze, “So, will you, still, accompany to the bus stop?”, I’d fallen, silent.

On this night, the darkness draped over us, my daughter didn’t get home, I’d called her cell, she’d not, picked up, which made the wait for her to come home even, longer; then, “CLACK!”, cut open that heavyset air of night, the sound of key turning, my daughter dropped her backpack, mumbled, “I’d accidentally, fallen asleep on the bus, and rode it to the terminal station by accident, there was only, me………….” “How did you get home then?”  “The driver gave me a lift, and he’d told me, ‘young lady, don’t fall asleep again on the bus.’” And, I’d heard the steady voice of the driver, “tell mom, that you will be very safe, there’s nothing she needs to worry about.”

We’d gone from the summer into the winter, I’d thought, that we would, keep on, walking like this, but my big-eyed daughter blocked me from exiting the house with her, looking at her tiny frame, going farther, and farther, and farther, away.  “It’s just a few steps out, why are you, worried?”, her words echoed in my mind, seemingly question my faith in her.  Don’t I trust the characters of the driver?  And, will I give her time, space, to discover who she is, how she is to, become, what and who she wants to, become………….

Then, “Pop”, that thought was, interrupted, I lifted my head, it was the flamegold rain tree’s seed, popping out, the seeds, worked so very hard, to break away out of the shells that once, kept them all, safe, looking back, the shells are still, full but they’d now become, emptied on the inside.  I’d come to understand, that the tree used an entire year, to birth out its, own offspring, and as the seeds are matured, they’d, broken out, and away, far off, and yet, the trees can’t just, let go easily.  Isn’t this, the way of nature, just like how my big eyed daughter will, eventually need to, shoulder her own life, to learn the lessons she would need, and if she’s ready, what right have I, to hold her, back?

“Don’t worry, she’ll be, safe”, the driver’s words echoed between the trees, and the, skies.

and it’d become…like this, as they gained, more independence from us, the parents! Photo from online

And so, this is, watching your own daughter grow up, and, you feel a bit, sad, because she no longer needed you, to watch over her, to take care of everything for her, she is, learning to grow up strong, to take care of herself, and you should be glad, that you’d, taught her well, it’s just, that you feel, a bit, sad, that she’s, needing you, less and less each and every day, but that’s just how life goes.  Children will become, independent of their, parents, and the parents must learn to effectively deal with the sense of, empty nest…

The Nonexistent Fingers

Love is still, used as, a SORRY EXCUSE for hurting their, young children here!  Translated…

In a machinery accident, she’d, lost her middle finger, knowing it would be rude, but I still, can’t take my eyes off of her hand.  My connection with her isn’t just on the surfaces, not only were we related by marriage in the same village of the same ancestral graves, we’d also worked together for more than ten days, as coworkers———we were both the “eight hundred strong” after the Morakot Typhoon from 2009 (with the temp wages of $800 per day), and I was too unrealizing, that all these years, I’d not noted how her hand was, handicapped.

Perhaps, it’s how I’d been, troubled by the deterioration of my joints, that’s what gotten me interested in other people’s, hands?  Or, maybe, due to her missing middle finger, that’s tied to the thrilling nightmares of her, childhood, that tangled itself up like an unmanageable ball of, yarn, getting pulled from the origin, and started, unfolding, making her recall the bloody pasts.

The two boys who lost their fingers, shared the similar life experiences; the ones who’d hurt them were their, fathers, who’d both selected the most hurtful ways to, damage their, children.  Of the hands, the thumb on the right hand was bent out of shape, completely deformed, into a “sixth finger”, bent like a pincher, and gotten laughed about a whole, lot, and he’d always, cried too hard about it, and, his father couldn’t stand his complaints anymore, and took a knife and just, cut the finger, off, while Chuang was a kleptomaniac, and he wouldn’t change nor listen to the words of advice, and his father got angered, and took that knife, cut off that last segment of his left pinky, as a reminder to him, to NEVER to steal again.

And it was told, that after both were sent to the hospitals, they got operated on by the surgeons again, because the bones, the tendons, the blood vessels, the nerves in the severed off fingers needed to get fixed up.  If the surgeons just amputated the fingers off, it may affect the functioning of their, other fingers.  To the point of causing the joints to loosen down, or the tissues to become necrotic.

illustration from UDN.com

The neighbors who grew up with them, for a very long time, lived under both of their, thrilling, childhood, experiences, because the adults all used the threats of “if you don’t behave, I will tell so-and-so’s father to chop your fingers off too”, to threaten their young into behaving, not knowing, how it’d, damaged the young children’s mind, that they’d begun, lying, to evade getting punished, so the children started, locking up all of their, unimportant feelings, to block out the shock, to the point of, being, suppressed.

It’d been four, to five decades, the already distant memories are now, forcing me, to empathize what the man who’d cut his own young son’s fingers off was feeling at the time.

When I was younger, I’d thought that the father of the “boy with six fingers” loved him, while Chuang’s father had, hated him.

And now, as I’d become a father too, I’d, started, reexamining the past, and it seemed, that I can see, underneath the teeth-gritting, the ferocious looking means of his father, there’s that helplessness from how he can’t, make his son act right!  It’s just, that the parents’ “I’m doing this out of love”, their body languages made the children feel rejected, their children felt hurt, and, started wondering, if they were, adopted or, picked up from the outside garbage dumps.

Like a lot of parenting books had, the children who don’t grow up in trust, as adults, they will have difficulties trusting themselves, and others too, and so, there’s no chance of her/him, forming a secure, attachment, which will severely impact the intimacy.  This sort of a childhood environment, is the forefront of the developments of borderline personality, posttraumatic stress disorder, and schizophrenia.

“Sister-in-law, I’d checked out your book!”, the words of my relatives, brought me out of those, memories, I’d nodded flustered, and thanked my relative, swallowed back in my curiosity that rose up to my throat, and, as I left the library, the thoughts still, circled around, those memories of the fingers that were, severed, off.

And so, these are AWFUL cases of how the adults hurt their own young, and, it’s not entirely the adults’ fault, for they’d been, raised using these similar sorts of, violent means, and, the kid who’d gotten his fingers chopped off by punishment, his father was at wit’s end, to turn his son back onto the right path, while the other man who’d chopped the deformity off of his young son’s hand, just wanted to make him normal, either way, these two men didn’t do it right by their own young, even IF the intentions were originally loving, it still don’t make what they both did, right!

A World of, BIGOTS…

This is what we’re, living in right now, a world of, BIGOTS, with their, tiny little, PEA-SIZED brains, and an even smaller-sized tolerance for others who aren’t the same as the “vast majority”……..

A world of, BIGOTS, and we’re, allowing these, ASSHOLES to rule us, to lead us to that hell somewhere, WAY lower than, the “given” six-feet under.  A world of, BIGOTS, because, these politicians are, brainwashing the next generations, erasing histories, telling them that what had actually happened WAS a lie (remember that slavery had never happened?  Or how Lincoln did NOT get ASSASSINATED by J. W. Booth, that he had died, from, choking on a piece of meat, or as I like to believe that he had???  Not to mention, how the kids these days, aren’t reading or writing, AT their, expected level of understanding based off of their, grades (had you CHECKED out those scores of the state-administered standardized exams yet????)

like this??? Political cartoon from online

And, these politicians are going to spin things, however way they want to, knowing, that us idiots who can’t educate ourselves, will, follow them, straight to hell, and we actually do, because we the people are FUCKING (so???) retarded, we the people, LACKED that sound judgment, besides, it’s always easy to not lead, and get BLAMED, if something goes wrong, so yeah, let’s all, get in line for that game of L-I-M-B-O there, and see how L-O-W we can, all, GO!

and we’re all still, following THAT, Conga LINE! Photo from online

Candy

Lessons of death, and the meanings of death, in relation to, life, learned by a man, from his daughter’s, pet guinea pig…translated…

The daughter and her mother had three guinea pigs, to almost two years to date.  One of them was named “Candy”, the oldest, and the physical wellbeing is, deteriorating, he’d become, very, slow to move around, and it’d, made us worry that his life may, be, nearing, end.

That evening, as I’d rolled down the steel doors of my workshop to turn in for the night, I’d walked over to the cage, and found Candy, DEAD, not moving, lying on his, back, with one, two black patches on his, belly.  Although, this was, predicted to come, but, I’d still felt, a bit, flustered, after all, I’d only took him out to play with him, just earlier this morn, and he was fine in the afternoon too.  I’d pulled open the steel rolling doors, in the darkness, selected a potted plant in my garden, dug up some dirt, placed Candy in to his final, place of, rest there.

This morning, I’d approached Candy’s kennel, the bath sand, the exercise wheel, the tiny castle, the tiny cave, the marble bed, the water………….everything was, as it’d, been, to the food I’d, fed to him, still in his, dish, it’s just, that the owner of the cage is, already, dead and, gone.

as the pet guinea pig lay, dying…photo from online

Looking at what Candy left behind, I’d felt, that how short-lived our physical forms can, be; if my daughter and her mother are willing, that cage can be, used as a home for, another.  To here, I’d suddenly felt, that the relation of Candy to the cage, is merely, a “passerby”, that Candy wasn’t the owner.  And, as this thought came, I’d felt, that vacant, void.

After a short while, the line, “life is not measured by the years, but the good moments you had” surfaced.  This made me feel, a little bit, better.  Although Candy’s life may be short, but, he was the spirit of his, cage, the cage with Candy in it, that’s, alive, without the guinea pig, the cage turned into, nothing more than, an, empty, shell.

It’s hard to predict how long a life is to go.  I’d once heard, that the tiny critters had only lived, for one day, dying in the morning, that’s before their time, and in the afternoon, that’s considered, longevity—and, comparing to this, Candy lived for, two whole, years.  And yet, if I compared it to the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the rivers, the lengthiness of life, paled by, comparison.

There are always two sides to one thing, a beginning, and an, end, life, that coexists with, death.  I’d, encouraged myself, to stop feeling grief over the death of that tiny, guinea pig, that I must, use that ordinariness of mind, to see and experience life in all of its, fragility, and how nothing stays, the same.  I need to learn to cherish what I have in the moment, to take advantage of the moment in time; to enjoy life to the fullest, so when my end finally comes, I can face it, with absolutely, NO, regrets.

And to think, that a tiny little, guinea pig has, such a, huge lesson of life and death to offer to this father.  That still just showed, that everything we encounter is a lesson to be learned, if we only, seek it out, like how this man learned about life, and death, from the death of his own daughter’s, pet guinea pig.

Long Swim at Ludao

The experiences that made you appreciate the beauties of nature more, which hopefully, will drive you to protect it more!  Translated…

It was 2018, I’d, given my virginity of the first long swim in the oceans to, Ludao, it was also the very first time, I went swimming with, a thousand of my, fellow swimmers, to enjoy the beauties of, the, oceans.

For many year, the fellow companion swimmers would ask me to take the long swim in the oceans, and I’d always found an assortment of reasons to turn them down, “Going swimming in Waimu Mountain?  Nah, too many, jellyfishes!”, “Swimming in Wushi Harbor?  The waves are too huge, I can’t manage!”, “over the seas in Kinmen?  But it’s, too, unromantic, how black the sands on the beaches there are”.  “In Penghu, the currents are too strong, I don’t know if I can………”

the events at Ludao, photo from online

“Ludao long swim………”, toward this, location of many beautiful things to see, what excuses can I, have?  I’d gone with close to a thousand of ocean loving fellow swimmers, followed the beautiful female coach to warm up, then, entered into the just right temperature water, gotten rid of the buoy that’s holding me back, swam, toward the, oceans.

This was, a colorful, gathering of friends who loved swimming, there were the colorful swimmers in their swimsuits over the oceans, with the visitors who’d put on the snorkeling gears for show, the parents-children teams as well.  Other than those whom I knew around me, and those whom I don’t, there are, the schools of fishes that are, keeping things active, the coral reefs, while the professional divers kept waving at me, to make sure I was, okay.

This was, a gathering of friends in joy, that you wouldn’t want to get too far off into the oceans on your own of, a grand gathering that keeps you locked up in beauty, that you forget how tired your legs and arms are from kicking and paddling, a lesson of nature, that teaches us to cherish it even more, once you’d, experienced it all.

And so, this is a way, to get closer to what we’re, protecting, to see the beauties that the oceans have to give to us, which will in turn, drive us to protect it more, to reduce the pollutions, because we want what we’d encountered in this swim to be here, for as long as it’s able to, last.

The Air, My Friend

On the need of having someone who’s similar to us, whom we can, share things, with, the column by Jimmi Liao, translated by me…

I’m Fickle,

Living Inside a Chameleon,

Waiting for a Chameleon to Visit Me,

the artwork of Jimmi Liao, courtesy of UDN.com

Then, We Can, Play Together,

In that Game of, Change, and Camouflage,

So Blessed with Someone Like Me

This is, on the, longing, of the need to connect to someone who’s, similar to us, someone with whom we can, share our interests, our thoughts with, and we all need someone like that in our lives, so we don’t feel, too alone in this, world!

The Statistics, Underreported by the Local Governments, the Local Governments Pressured the Schools, Some of the Schools Chose to Not Report, Not Reporting, Can’t Save the Unknown Numbers of Dropout Students

And, by “covering up” the numbers, it doesn’t do a thing, to help get these dropouts back into the schools, to continue their, education!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Based off of the statistics of the Department of Education, there’s the continual drop in numbers of middle school dropouts, by 2021, it’d, reached to, an all-time low, of the 1,943 who’d dropped out, ninety-percent came back in.  But, there were the underreported numbers from these, stats, the instructors in the classrooms retold, that the local governments, in order to lessen the pressures, they’d, pressured the local schools, to underreport on the numbers, and some schools are also, passive, lost out on the timing to help these students who’d, dropped, out.

“Not reporting, the resources needed can’t come in, there’s nothing we can do”, the counselor of a school sated, that the resources outside the schools, such as the psychotherapists for the students, the social workers, all needed to be reported to start intervening, but the school, in order to dodge the three-day period of students who became truant, they would suggest that the students come to school for one period of class, or that they are required to show up once every two half days, and disregarded the students’ learning processes.

teens, skipping school! Photo from online

The dropouts of the technical high schools also didn’t get the counseling support that they were all in need of, the students, in being treated with the indifferences by the officials, selected to exit the schools.

“The schools are too passive, the families can, but don’t, causing these children to lack the needed resources that they required”, Chu told, that although in the high school years, there’s no enforcing the students to come to school like back in the elementary, middle school years, but if the schools don’t even report on the dropout students at all, and the families aren’t normal, there’s no way for the resources of social services to come in to assist.

The principal, Hsu of Gangshan Middle School told, that in the past, the dropout students had, wandered outside the schools, that there’s the teams of youth squad to help get them back in, but now, a lot of the students who refused to attend school are staying at home, he’d suggested, that other than the police being involved, there’s the need for the psychological counseling, to have a more secure, safety net set up by the schools locally.

And so, despite how the measures are being taken, these dropouts just, can’t get caught, and placed back into school, and, this will become a huge problem, because, most of these dropout students, they’re going to run with the bad crowds, and, bad influences are going to cause them to go down the wrong paths in life, and, once they go down the path, there’s, no turning back for them, and, the pressures from the local governments to get the numbers down low, does not help, at all!

The Love for Their Adopted Child

Love is, thicker than, blood, that is, what this story of how this family was “made” possible, showed…translated…

A lot of couples who longed to become parents, but couldn’t, due to, infertility, and although, they can’t have children who shared their blood, they may well be, having the love of children to them.

My older female cousin and her husband kept longing for children, but, five years after they were wed, no news, they’d worried that they’re, past the period of being fertile enough to carry, went to the hospital to get examined, and started their infertility treatments.  They’d tried everything, in vitro, getting their systems healthy enough by traditional Chinese medicine treatment means, asking the goddess to bless them with a child, drinking the herbal remedies, everything, but, there was, no end in sight.

And, no matter how hard they’d tried, things just, didn’t go as they wanted, and, they’d gotten caught up between becoming expectant, losing hope, they’d spun around for decades on end on this, and, what they’d weathered through, only those who’d gone through the same issues can, understand.

becoming a family! Photo from online

On the year my older cousin turned fifty, after discussing the matter with her husband, they were, prepared to become, parents then, decided to adopt.  After the grueling procedurals, they welcomed Kai, who’s not related to them by blood, into, the family.

The young life of only six-months old came into their lives, the midlife first-time mother was quite busy, my older cousin quit her job to stay at home with her adopted son, and, she’d now found a brand new focus in her life, and became, more energetic.  With a child, everything’s set, with the joys and settledness of being parents, they’d hoped to give the young boy a warm home.

In the adopted family, the most difficult is the matter of telling the adopted children where they came from, the fears, the worries that came with the questions, some families chose to not disclose for the children’s lives, some families, were open about the matter.  Time flew, Kai is older, and, my cousin decided that as her son was in high school, is more matured psychologically, to tell him the truth, in case one day, as he’d discovered that he’d been adopted on his own, the shock may hit him, too, hard.

Recalled that day, as my cousin invited her father and my mother to their home to eat, Kai sensed something in the air, he saw how uneasy we all, were, and as my cousin took Kai’s hand in hers, and announced that they have something to tell him, he’d started first, “mom, dad, I know what you were worried about, a year ago, I saw in the household registry by accident, I already knew that I was, adopted, thank you for giving me all your love, I love you guys!”.  The worries were gone, instantly, my cousin and her husband cried as they’d hugged Kai, “Thank you for becoming our son!”  this was a love, that runs, deeper than, blood.

the thing that this family shared: Love! Photo from online

The experts had suggested, “the children can ask the adults what they wanted to know, then, based off of the child’s individual level of understanding, maturity, then, honestly, hold that conversation, to show the brighter side to adoption”.  Adoption should NOT be a tabooed secret, giving the child double the love, that’s, even more, important.

There’s the news of how there are close to eight hundred children waiting for a home in Taiwan, and, adopting the children slowly became a trend here, and it takes patience for the couples who can’t have children to adopt, the process is quite long, it took my cousin and her family, a total of TWO whole years, to formally, registered Kai into their family, my cousin laughed and told me, “it’s longer than the ten months of, pregnancy!”

So, this is, one alternative way that you can have children, by adoption, and, this is quite important, because by adopting the children, you are not just relating to them in parent and children form, but also, in love, and, there are so many children who are in need of better homes in the world, and if you can’t have children, then, you might consider adopting, after all, love will always be thicker than, blood!

The Experts: the Hospitals, Too Passive, Allowing the Violence to Happen More Prevalently

The trends, of this, abuser/enabler, interaction style, making this work environment, even that much more, dangerous, for the, professionals who work there, off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The More Prevalent Forms of Abuse is Verbal, and Everyone Looked the Other Way, with the Occupational Safety Committee, Not Functioning the Way it’s Supposed to

Based off of the researches, sixty-percent of the medical professionals had bore witness or encountered violence at their workplace.  Of the medical violences encountered, most were verbal, and the causes of these verbal abuses included the miscommunications between the medical staff and the patients, the shortcomings in observations of what the medical professionals perceived as needed by the, patients.  The experts believed, that the rises in these incidents, has to do with how the hospital tried “silencing” the victims of these abuses, when the workers were abused, the hospitals hoped that they would just, take it in, to apologize to the patients and families, and, the number of cases that’s been documented, may only be, a tip of the, iceberg.

The C.E.O. of the Medical Reform Commissions, Lin told, that the commissions reviewed over past researches, and found, that the locations where violence are occurring most prevalently are in the E.R., the psych wards, and in the waiting areas, and mostly were from the anxieties of the families, hoping that their loved ones can be checked immediately, causing the loss on emotional control; while in the psych wards, it may be due to the psychiatric illnesses that’s caused the violences.

taking it out on someone who’s trying to help him get the needed treatment measures! Photo from online

The assistant director of Changwha Christian Hospital, Chou stated, that the violence in the E.R. are most prevalently due to drunken disorderly conduct, then, it’s the mentally ill patients, third, as the expectations of the treatments fell short of the patients’ expectations, fourth, waiting too long, losing emotional control due to anxiousness of requiring treatment.

Compared to the medical doctors, the nursing staff are more easily attacked, as the patients mistreated the nursing staff members like they were the maids, and when a demand was made, and the nurses didn’t respond, they get, cussed out.

The C.E.O. of the Taiwan Nursing Physicians Guild, Chen stated, that as the patients go into the hospitals, they’d hoped to be in and out shortly, and the hospitals normally carried the stance of “customers are king”, which spoiled the patients, to believing that they can get physical, and use verbal insults toward the medical staff members when things don’t go their, ways.  And, most hospitals, only wanted these incidents to go away, with no means for the workers in the medical realm to file their complaints.

Chen said, that the various hospitals needed to set up the occupational security committees, but, there were, rarely any that’s been, set up, to the point that when the medical professionals don’t even know if such a committee, actually, exists in the hospitals where they worked, and normally, this would be brought up, when the violence occurred, and got reported on the news, and the hospitals where these incidents occur would run the drills, to settle the society down, and nothing was done afterwards, to prevent the recurrences of these incidents.  The hospitals all swore on their “zero tolerance policy for medical violence”, but nothing had been, implemented, or done, to prevent these acts of violence against the medical, professionals.

trying to help, but getting, ATTACKED! Photo from online

And so, this is a high-intensity, high-tension work environment, where everybody can CRACK, at any time, especially when you’d been waiting in the E.R. forever, and, everybody around is, busying, taking care of others who are also in need of medical care, and you are bound to, lose it, and take your angers out on the medical staff members, when it’s not even, their, faults, they’re, already, very busy, doing EVERYTHING they can, to ensure that we all get the help that we needed!

That Young Lad Who Can’t Sit Still

Are these signs for concern?  Not really, because, in your interpretations, your son’s being overly active, it’s just him, being, him!  Translated…

The ball that I’d missed, seemed to have eyes, just, brushed too close to my, ears, your jaw dropped, and, as you’d come to, you’d, started bouncing up and down, like that clown, dancing the moves of the most trendy dance at the times.

what the child enjoys doing…physical activities outdoor! Photo from online

You were just born, and started, exerting signs of your, overactivity.  When you were wrapped up tight in the holding cloth, you’d looked quite, “constipated”, but, once we’d, unrolled you, you’d started, waving your arms, kicking your legs, started, dancing like happy crazy, grandma stated, “he’s an, active one!”  Certainly, grandma was, correct, especially after you’d learned to flip over, to crawl, you’d, not spared a single moments, you were, really, agile too, and, when I was spacing out, you’d, flipped to the other side, and, it’d confused, me as to which direction you’d, gone; I just saw you crawled into the living room, and, in a split second, you were, gone, and I’d not found you, until, I’d, followed the tracks to the, bedroom.

Then, you could walk, at home, in the park, on the playgrounds, you’d, stumbled around, checked your, territories, and, what came into my ears during that period were young baby talks, and the giggling, that came into my mind, time and time again, and brainwashed, me, this was, the most melodic song to my, ears.

also, this too! Photo from online

Then, you’d, caught up with what those young boys loved, speed, straddled on that bicycle, without the training wheels, the snake boards too; but, the heated air started, electrocuting you down, you’d, sought out the speed, but without any concerns for your, safety, gotten all those, bruises, bumps, and more, and I can only, ache for you in my heart, as I’d, patched your injuries, up……there’s nothing I can do, as you’d become, this, overactive, little, man!

And so, this is what, raising a boy is like, those boys, they’re going to, bounce up and down, active in their lives, because that, is what little boys do, and, your young son showed the tendencies of his hyperactivity when he was only, infantile, hated lying on his back, always moving around, for you to, catch up, to find him…