Monthly Archives: March 2015

Feeding to My Fury

You KNEW just how far to push me, don’t you???

Feeding to my fury, you had, and, my fury became a hungry monster, that just, keeps on, devouring, eating, taking everything it encounters in, leaving, absolutely NOTHING behind.

You should’ve known better than to make me angry, you should’ve been more perceptive toward my emotions, but, you weren’t, you just kept, prodding, prodding, prodding me on how my day went, and you didn’t even detect that slight scent of anger that I felt, slowly, coming UP to the surface!

Feeding to my fury, this, is what you ALWAYS do, you just push me, push me, and push me, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and, I BLEW, and, you wondered, what’s UP with her?  You, that, was what’s UP with me.  Feeding to my fury, my fury became too starved, in need of sustenance, and, it devoured my love, stripped me of my ability, to control my emotions, and, I blew, and, although I knew it wasn’t right, to lash out, but, it felt so good, and I became, addict, to the feeling of the power surge I got, from you, feeding to my fury………

Feeding to my fury, but, my fury is no longer starved, and besides, all of my buttons, you’d PUSHED, until they all broke, and now, you are, left, all alone, in the silence, and, you can’t handle it?  Well, that’s just, TOO BAD, isn’t it?

Leave a comment

Filed under Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Being Exposed, Coping Mechanisms, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Socialization, Vicious Cycle

A Different World

I live in, a different world, than the rest, because I experience the world, like NO one else does, because I’m unique, in my own ways.  A different world, this, wasn’t the one I grew up in, or even, fell asleep in last night, but, this, is the world I’d found myself in at this time.

A different world, why must I, readapt myself, to this brand new world that I’d found myself in, I’d gotten adjusted quite well, to that last world I lived in, and yet, this world changed way too fast, and, I’m finding it hard, to adapt myself, it its ever-changing demands.

A different world, you’ll wake to find yourself in every single day, because, every day is all brand new, and, nothing will remain the same, and that, is just, a FACT, and you had better adjust yourselves quickly to that, or, you will, have a TON of hell to pay!  A different world, why can’t it just stay the same as yesterday, as yesterday worked fine for me, and, this morn, I woke up, on the wrong side of bed, and everything got turned upside down, and I can’t even find that ground coffee anywhere in the house!

A different world, this, is what we’re all dealing with, because as one day runs into the next, time is slipping through our finger tips, and we don’t even realize, but, by the time those grains of sands passed through the hourglass completely, we’re out of time………


Leave a comment

Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

The Birthday Party Continued the Entire Night, the Group Gone Out, and Used Drugs After the Party Was Over…the Female College Student Ended Up Dead

The results of setting oneself FREE, partying too hard here, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

A female college student, Huang who just turned twenty-two, on the early morning of the 29th, went to her birthday party at a pub with her friends, later on, she’d gone to a motel, to continue drinking with Lin, her older schoolmate; they’d taken ecstasy, and had sexual intercourse, two days ago at four in the afternoon, Huang wasn’t feeling well, was taken to the hospital, where she’d died, her birthday became her date of death, the family members couldn’t understand how, or why this had happened.

The D.A. reexamined her body yesterday, there was no external injuries to the deceased, the family told the D.A. that there were no family histories of illnesses.  Lin, her older schoolmate admitted, that at four that very morning, he’d gone with Huang to a motel in Yonghe, to continue the party, after they took ecstasy, they’d had sexual intercourse, he felt awful, for what had happened to the young woman; the D.A. found out, that the ecstasy tabs were bought from a friend they met up in the night clubs.  After the D.A. interrogated him, they’d taken Lin into custody, and put him on a $50,000N.T. bail.

The police investigated, that Huang who’d just turned twenty-two, on the 29th, during the midnight hours, went partying with a group of friend in a nightclub in Taipei.  Lin said, that at her birthday party, he’d asked her if she wanted to continue the party later on at a motel, in the motel room, they both took one ecstasy tab; later on, he’d felt drowsy, and Huang started shaking all over, she’d called up a friend, to get some milk to her, to help her feel better.  He said, that he drank the milk, but Huang hadn’t, not long thereafter, he’d found her to be short of breath, started panting, and asked the motel to call the ambulance.

Huang studies at a certain private university, in the sales department, Huang’s mother stated, that she’d lived with them regularly, had outstanding performances on her grades, and entered into the sales competitions on behalf of the school; that she’d heard her daughter told her that she’s a good drinker, but, didn’t know that she was using drugs.

And so, another young life lost, to drug usage, and, had this woman not drunk too much alcohol before she’d gone to the hotel to use more drugs, then, the outcomes may have been different, and this still just shows, how your kids may be totally different people, in front of you, and their friends.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Cost of Living, Death by Negligence, Despair, Early Exposures, Lives Lost, Messed Up Values, Observations, Substances Abuse, Wake Up Calls

Secrets & Desires


I saw in the movie, that the female lead’s bed was close to the window, and the headboard was right up against the window.  She woke in the sun, her face and pillow was bathed, by the warm sunshine.  After she woke, she’d flipped over onto her stomach, looked out the window.

I’d always wanted a bed like that.  At a certain time, like when I’m about to drift off to sleep, or right before I wake, when I’m in-between, a bed that faces out the window, without the barriers with the outside world, so very close, like I’m afloat, on top of the world.

That sort of a slumber, must be guarded, by endless number of ghosts, and spirits, I suppose!

In the movie, the female lead had an unguarded window like that, so, later on, a certain man came in through the window, gotten onto her bed, and raped her.  The movie didn’t show if she’d still slept on that same bed or not.  Before she was raped on that bed, the bed was, glorious: with the satin pillows, with the flowery seams decorating it.  The satin drapes of the window would caress the female lead as she slept.  The moonlight shined down on her face.  After she was raped, her face was hovered over by the shadows, the man stood by the window, looking down at, the woman’s face, still, as the top of a lake, then, he dove in.

The older movies were not as violent as they are now, and, the scary movies had that mysteriousness about them, and it showed NO violence, but instead, desires.  William Wyler turned John Fowles’s book, into, “The Collector”.  The man kidnapped a female college student, locked her up inside his home, until she died.  Afterwards, he went looking, for his next victim.

The male lead, Terrence Stamp is good looking and gloomy.  When I saw the film at age fifteen, it wasn’t at all, scary, or dangerous, instead, I felt more romantic about it, as if, controlling someone else is, the best way to show love.  But, the ladies from the older days all believed, that control and force are masculine characteristics.

At age eighteen, the gas can company my family owned and operated set up shop at another district, I was placed in charge of the new shop, lived on the floor above the shop.  It was, a small, five-story apartment, my room was on the second floor, with the wooden panels separating the rooms, there was a ten centimeter space from the floor to the floorboards.  Because of how hot the weather got, I’d liked sleeping on the marble floor.  The bathroom was right outside my bedroom, sometimes, after I’d showered, if there was no one around, I’d wrapped a towel around myself, and walked back into my bedroom, then, placed the towel onto the floor, turned on the fan, and start, sleeping.

One day, when I woke, I was looking into the crease of the floor boards.  I saw, that right outside the stair cases, there were, a pair of legs, standing there.  And that, was when I’d realized, that someone had been, watching me.

It was such a scary feeling, I’d quickly gotten back up, hid in the corner.  A little afterwards, I’d took a peek into the cracks on the floor board, the feet were gone.  Later on, I’d pushed the door out; there were, abnormalities that came at me, very strong, a hot and sticky kind of smell came from the bathroom.

Secrets are always connected with desires.  That, I’d come, to understand, many years afterwards.

And so, this, is precisely WHY, you shouldn’t sleep naked, EVEN IF you feel that you’re in the comfort of your own home, that nobody can get in, because, someone will, and, you’d end up, getting screwed, like that saying of how a woman who sleeps in the buff can turn a burglar into a rapist?

Leave a comment

Filed under Abusing Someone's Trust, Awareness, Cause & Effect, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories

The International Volunteers Made a Visit to My Class, on the Education of Children

An exchange of ideas, translated…

There was an Australian college student, John, who came to visit my daughter’s school as a volunteer, because he was staying here, for seven whole weeks, so the schools asked for seven families’ help.  My husband who’d always wanted to put our family up for a homestay program, worked hard, to get him, to live with us for a week.

During the daytime, John would follow my daughter to and from school.  On the day that he’d come to stay with us, my daughter had piano lessons after school, and I saw, that it was a hard-to-come-by opportunity, and asked my husband to ask for his permission, to use that hour’s time, to come to the technical high school where I taught, to speak in English to my students.

John who’s really passionate said yes, and, when he’d interacted with the students of my class, he’d impressed me so.  I’d originally thought that my students’ bad English would be a problem, but, out of my expectation, some of the students who were fluent enough in English struck up conversations with him first, and, John also used simple and warm words, so the kids are not afraid to speak, and could use the vocabulary terms they’d learned in class, plus the body language, the entire class ran smoothly.

What’s more moving was, that afterwards, my students made a painting for John, told me, “thank you, teacher, for allowing us the opportunities to have an English conversation with a foreigner, although we may not be able to go abroad, but, we’d gotten the opportunity to have an English conversation with a foreigner.”  Hearing those words from them, it’d taken away the impressions of not being studious enough that I’d held of them away.

Since John came to my class, the class had improved a lot.  Because my kids now have a new goal for themselves, in the future, they all wanted to visit where John came from, Australia, and wanted to follow in his footsteps, to volunteer abroad too.

I’d made a deal with my students, that the next time a foreigner came to my house for homestay, I will totally take the person, to meet my class again.  And I’d hoped, that by doing so, it can open up the worldliness in my student, to motivate them to learn to speak English even more.

And so, this, is a story of the added gain from a family’s taking in someone who was from a foreign place, the family gained the opportunity, to interact with someone who was from an entirely different culture, and, the foreigner felt the kindness of the people here, it’s a win-win for both.  Plus, the woman’s class also benefitted as well.

Leave a comment

Filed under Education, Life, Socialization, Story-Telling

The Santa Claus from the Orphanage


Last year on Christmas Eve, I went to an orphanage to see a magic show.  The beautiful and graceful female magician was amazing in her magic tricks, making the children intrigued.

Afterwards, the grand finale, she’d metamorphosed in the midst of white smoke, and became a Santa Claus, carrying a huge bag made from yarn.  The elderly person took out several gift-wrapped boxes, and, handed them out, one by one.

This Santa Claus, I’d known him since he was in his elementary school years, he’d often made the top score in his class, had won numerous awards for representing his school in competitions, is very passionate about helping others, is a role model for his fellow classmates.  I’d originally thought, that he must’ve had a good family background, for him to have become so very well-rounded, but, at the carnival, I’d found, that it wasn’t really so at all.  The one who represented him to the carnival, was a kind nun, someone he’d called “headmistress”.  Surrounding the nun, other than him, were students from other classes.  That, was when I’d learned, that he had grown up in the orphanage, not knowing who his parents were, to him, the nuns who looked after him, is the best kind of parenting he’d ever gotten.

In middle school, he’d performed outstandingly, gotten into his first choice high school, then, he’d moved out of the orphanage, he’d part-timed his way through school, after a few years, he’d relied on himself, for his own living expenses, and could still handle his own coursework, received the scholarship moneys from the public university each and every semester he’d attended.  Several years after he’d started working, he’d accumulated some wealth, and started a business with a couple of his coworkers, and, his company is up and running quite well.

And, when the time permitted him to, he’d returned back to the orphanage to help out, whether it be donations of money, of goods, or performing at events, you’d see him there, participating.  A female classmate who belonged to the same magic club he was in during his college career would often accompany him back, and slowly, she was moved, by his kindness, and, end up, marrying him, and, the place they got married WAS at the church of the orphanage, with the woman in charge of the orphanage as the matron of honor.

To him, the days he lived at the orphanage, it was Christmas every single day, he’d made a wish, that he wanted to become Santa, to bring joys to the kids, to allow the kids to feel, that the warmth of the world is surrounding them.

The kids all rushed up towards him, wanted his autograph, treated him like a super star.  I couldn’t help, but believe, that so long as you have a heart that shares the love, and, actions that showed that you cared, anybody CAN become Santa.

And so, this is the story of a man, returning the kindness shown to him by the nuns at the orphanage where he grew up, back to the orphanage, this, is a great way, to make a difference in the lives of other children who were like him, to give back to the community, using what one has.

Leave a comment

Filed under A Cycle of Kindness, Cost of Living, Expectations, Kindness Shown, Observations, Values

Say Farewell, to Living Alone as an Elderly, the Observations Made by a Daughter-in-Law


My father-in-law always believed, that even IF there’s just one broom left in his house, he must return to his roots just the same.  But, started last year, after he’d gotten the three letters of warnings from high above, he’d finally said his proper farewell, to living alone in the south, came up north, and lived with us.

The very first letter was from before we headed back home last year after the New Year’s holidays, my father’s asthma was worrisome for us, we’d failed in our attempts to convince him to move in with us, but, it was, unsuccessful, and so, we’d bought him medications to help his airway stay open, just in case.  The second letter was all too scary, my father started having a skin condition, and, his legs were redden and swollen, and so, he’d come up north for his doctor’s appointments; back then, the nurse at the hospitals saw him, she’d started screaming, feared that it may be an infection, but gladly, with the bathing of the love of his families, and my husband’s careful looking after him, a little over a month later, he’d healed up completely, even his doctor felt it was incredible.

After he got better, my father-in-law wanted to continue his living alone as an elderly, but, the heavens sent him a third letter, he’d slipped and fallen on his back in front of his own garage, to the point that he passed out.  But gladly, this happened outside of his home, and the neighbors saw and called an ambulance for him.  Because of his days in the ICU, struggling with death, after he’d overcome the shock, after my father-in-law made his recovery, he’d not read the dates, took the ancestors’ plaques, moved up north with us.

My husband who is a fitting son, set up a schedule, based off of my father-in-law’s living, so, the grandkids who took turns looking after him could make him feel more at home; and he’d also posted the goings on of my father-in-law’s days on Facebook, so everybody could show cares and concerns for him daily.  My father-in-law, who was basking in the love of his family, started from getting white in the face after just a few short steps, to walking up to five thousand steps a day, and he’d even gotten involved in the New Year’s Marathon Walk at Daja Riverside Park this year.  At age eighty-three, he was able to walk for more than 15,000 steps that day.

Living alone for the elderly population, although they get to have their own free living space, but, there’s a huge risk, and they must put up with the loneliness that attacks long term, and, it’d make the families worry.  Living with the family members, maybe, they’d had to make adjustments, because of moving into a brand new city, or the living schedules, but, so long as one is willing to change, it is beneficial for both the children and the older adults, just like my father-in-law, he said farewell to living alone, and, is now, embracing, his healthier, happier life.

And so, because the elderly didn’t want to impose on the younger generation, or because they worry that they may not adapt too well in a new setting, that, was what prevented them to keep an open mind when their children asked them to move in, and yet, this elderly man, was forced to move away from his own home, and move in with his children, because of his health issues, and, sure, there was, a period of adjustment to be had, but, this arrangement had proven to be beneficial for all.

Leave a comment

Filed under Cost of Living, Family Matters, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Observations, Old Age, Perspectives, Values

Letting Your Mind Go Offline, by T. Brady

We ALL need some time, to DISCONNECT from the web, especially at this day and age…

We all need to take a break from our screens, and not just to rest our eyes.  The downtime lets us get a little creative thinking done.

Executives’ toys that live on a desk to be played with, some say, are a productive distraction: Magic 8 Balls with cryptic messages; Zen gardens with the little rakes; Newton’s Cradle, the dangling metal balls that knock against one another, the ends flying to demonstrate Newton’s law of the conservation of momentum.

Such objects provoke dialogue and relieve stress, says Adrienne Appel of the Toy Industry Association, and are useful in the digital age.

“With today’s extended work hours, multiple screens and multiple devices, it’s even more important for people to step back and take that moment to de-stress,” she told The Times.

Scott G. Eberle, vice president for play studies at the Strong museum in Rochester, New York, said desktop toys can induce a meditative state.  Mr. Eberle has written on subjects like day-dreaming, and he sees creative value in objects like Newton’s Cradle.  Watching them can create a sense of detachment.

“Ideally, you need to move yourself into a state where your mind is offline,” he said, adding that lava lamps and fish tanks work as well.

Since much of our public space is being filled by the advertisers, Matthew B. Crawford reported in The Times, it’s harder and harder to get offline.

“In the process, we’ve sacrificed silence—the condition of not being addressed,” Mr. Crawford wrote.  “And just as clean air makes it possible to breathe, silence makes it possible to think.”

He noticed that the trays used to place items for X-ray screening at airports are now covered with advertisements, and he was jarred by the sight of all the lipstick colors offered by L’Oreal when he put a memory stick in the tray.

This noise blocks out the silent moments we used to savor when traveling, which contribute to the creativity and innovation, Mr. Crawford argued.  Silence is now marketed as a luxury good.

“In the business-class lounge at Charles de Gaulle Airport, I heard only the occasional tinkling of a spoon against china,” he wrote.  “I saw no advertisements on the walls.  This silence, more than any other feature, is what makes it feel genuinely luxurious.”

His neck muscles relaxed, and he felt revived, after just twenty minutes.

These days we don’t have much chance to relax, Teddy Wayne wrote in The Times, because of ICYMI (In case you missed it.)

Twitter and online alerts appear every few seconds to bring links to the attention of those who may have missed them.  The news industry is publishing stories twenty-four hours a day, entire seasons of TV shows are released at once and most movies are available at any time.

It’s impossible to keep up.  But it’s also possible to access any of these things at any time “so there is no excuse for missing one—and, therefore, a more urgent compulsion to catch up,” Mr. Wayne wrote, “in case you missed it.”

Manoush Zomorodi, the host of a New York radio show called New Tech City, which examines how technology affect our lives, complains she hasn’t been bored in seven years.

She traces it to her first iPhone in 2007, Ms. Zomorodi, 41, started a project called “Bored and Brilliant,” which asked participants to avoid their devices and embrace idleness, hoping the wandering of mind is a more creative one.

Of course there is an app for it.  “We’re trying to embrace the ridiculousness of it”, she told The Times.

So, looks like we’re ALL kidnapped by these modern day inventions, huh?  Because we feel this need to stay connected (it’s still the individual’s problem if you ask me!), and so, we’re, tuned into whatever everybody else is doing, and thus, we find ourselves in the midst of this information overload, and, we wanted to unplug, but, how can we, we’d become reliant on these systems, these modern day technologies, and, it’s still due to the lack of control that people have over themselves, if you ask me, but hey, WHO asked Y-O-U again???  EXACTLY!

Leave a comment

Filed under Addiction to High-Tech Devices& the WWW, Awareness, Connections, Cost of Living, Dependency, Emptiness of Modern Man's Souls, Life, Messed Up Values, Socialization, Vicious Cycle

Took Care of My Mother-in-Law Until She’d Died, and Now, I’m Living Alone, Peacefully, as an Elderly Person

Caring for a loved one as she got older became a preparation of one’s own old age here, translated…

The year was 1949, I’d followed the service team that my husband belonged to to Taiwan, back then, my in-laws didn’t want to leave their homes behind, but they were convinced and persuaded by their wonderful son, fearing, that if the two of them elders stayed behind, they will be pressured by the Communists, and so, they’d come along with us too.

After China was taken, just as my husband had suspected, a lot of elderly people who’d stayed behind were kicked out of their own homes, and, they’d, starved to death.

Living in Taiwan for sixty years, at first, things went smoothly.  After a long time, my father-in-law died before my mother-in-law, my mother-in-law had lost her partner for life, she felt lonely, and, became stressed out day and night, and quickly, she’d become, troubled with depression and bipolar.  Since, my mother-in-law couldn’t even recognize her children and grandchildren anymore, and couldn’t take care of herself in daily living.

She’d tied up her sheets and quilts every single day with a rope, mumbled, “I’m headed home.”, it’d made us all feel bad, and, we had no idea how to help her out.

What’s most difficult was, back then, there were NO adult diapers to be bought, and so, I could only use those old sheets, and cut them up, and change my mother-in-law several times a day, and, if it was a rainy day, and, she ran out of clean cloth diapers, I’d had to add a pot of coal, to dry it up, and reuse.  I’d done all of this, more than enough, until she’d passed away.

My mother-in-law had always been very strict toward her daughter-in-law, she had twelve children, whom she’d overseen the births of, after she’d wiped down her children, and wrapped them all up after they were born, she’d immediately returned to the fields to work again.  She’d even said, “giving birth to me is like taking a difficult toilet break, I never even had the chance to stay in bed all day long, like you, to recover.”

And now, I am already ninety, and because I’d gotten my share of the hard times, caring for my aging in-laws, and so, a decade ago, I’d made the decisions to leave all of my kids, I didn’t want to trouble them at all.  I’m really glad, that the place I chose for myself to live until I die is very peaceful and quiet, with the weather being nice.  The thyme, osmanthus, and flowers I’d planted, allowed me to live in the nature long-term.

And because this woman had the previous displeasures of caring for her ailing, aging, demented mother-in-law, she’d decided, that she wasn’t going to impose on her own children, which was why she’d chosen to live up in the mountains, and, she’s healthy enough to live on her own too, so, that was, a blessing, perhaps, for caring for her demented mother-in-law for a very long time, who knows???




Leave a comment

Filed under Cost of Living, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Observations, Old Age, Perspectives, Planning for the Future, Properties of Life

When the Milestones of Your Lives Became Myths

Because let’s FACE it, those milestones are only meaningful, to just Y-O-U, and the rest of us, well, we don’t feel the same way that you do!

When the milestones of your lives became myths, there’s NOTHING you can do, to make them real again, after all, they’d already, been, mystified, and, once something becomes mystified, well, there’s NO way it’ll EVER, come back down to EARTH (where we ALL live!) again.

When the milestones of your lives became myths, because there’s NOT a set age which everybody IS to get married, to have children, because, we don’t FIT, inside that small “cube” of the “norm”, and, those of you who fitted to the “norm” are simply, WEIRDOS!

When the milestones of your lives became myths, there’s NOTHING you can do, to de-mystify them, because, once something becomes myths, well, you’re gonna have, a HELL of a time, proving them to be truths again, and, you can try to, but, you will NEVER be, successful at it, so, just, give it up already.

When the milestones of your lives became myths, because, although there’s a “set schedule” for the average person to develop, but, you’re NOT “average”, you’re always gonna be below, on some of the matters, and, above, on others your whole life, and so, there’s NO use, chasing what’s considered as “normal”, in OTHER people’s views, just like how babies don’t all start saying their first words at the age of nine-months, do they?  Nope!

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Child Development/Education of Children, Expectations, Life, Maturation, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life