Category Archives: Moods, Emotions, & Feelings

Holding You Close, Traveling Back in Time

This one is about regrets, I’m afraid, translated…

Based off of Chinese traditions, during the month of recovery after birth, women aren’t supposed to go outside.  And, I’d finally waited until my daughter was one month old, I couldn’t wait, to sneak out; but, my daughter was fast asleep in my arms, I couldn’t leave her home alone by herself, so, I’d gotten a thought, “why not just leave her in the car seat.”

My excitement had totally caused me to neglect the traditional beliefs of “the Heat in June is Going to Burn”.  As I’d started the car, I’d driven into the city.  “Hey!  When did this furniture shop get set up here?”  In order to make sure that daughter has a nicely shaped head, as well as good skin, I’d parked the car by the side of the road, and turned off the ignitions, lightly shut the door, I wasn’t going to be long anyways.

When I’d opened up the car again, it was, half an hour later, and I saw my daughter, SCREAMING, CRYING at the top of her lungs, her face had turned purple, it’d shocked me, a first time mom, had I returned a few more minutes later, I may have lost my child.

I’d wanted to drive backwards, to twenty-two years ago, and wipe away this heart wrenching moment, hold you close to me tightly, so, you, the newborn, won’t have any fears, and I would’ve not let you out of my sight for even a few moments in time.

And so, this, is the mistakes of a first time mother, she’d been locked up for too long, and, she’d wanted to get some air, and so, she snuck out of the house with her daughter, and, left her infant child in the car, because she didn’t think that she’ll take too long, but, by the time, she’d come back, her baby was SCREAMING, and that, made her realize, how fragile a young life is, and, that, is a lesson learned, the HARD way, rookie mothers………

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Filed under Bad Parenting Behaviors, Carelessness of Adults, Cost of Living, Lessons, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Observations, Wake Up Calls

Rainy Days

From a Chinese blog I’m a subscriber to, translated, by me…

The days of rain, made me feel like I’m molding up

In the boredom of my days, I’d only had books, to help me pass the time now

Oh, how I hope, I could, graduate sooner………

Don’t force me to do something I don’t want to do

There’s nothing wrong with me, not wanting to talk, not having an opinion on stuff

And, I’d much not wanted to get punished for it

You want me to pretend?  I simply, can’t

Being a good student constantly, it’s become, too tiresome to me now

And, my bad temper still didn’t just start yesterday either

So, this, sounds like a teen, wanting to be left alone, by all of her/his adult counterparts, but, you see, the adults, they just won’t leave you alone, and how is it that I know?  Oh yeah, I was once, a teen too, and this, is just the internal workings of someone who’s juggling life, as well as her studies, and, life, is not at all, easy, for the children in this day and age, so, STOP pushing them already!

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Life, Loneliness/Solitude, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life, The Teenage Years

Finding Refuge in the Silence

I’d found refuge in the silence, it was so loud before that it disturbed me in my thoughts, but now, it sounded very peaceful, and I have NO clue what brought about this change.

Finding refuge in the silence, this, usually takes some time to achieve, because nobody’s used to the silence that quickly, but, eventually, you’d learn that no matter how hard you’d scream, how loud you cried, after all that passes, it’s still the DEAD silence, accompanying you, and so, you learned to deal with it.

And soon, you will discover that hey, silence isn’t at all that bad, in fact, it’s kinda comforting, with just ME and me alone.  Finding refuge in the silence, is what you must learn to do, so, SILENCE yourselves, and, at first, the silence might get too loud for you to handle, but hey, that’s the FIRST step to dealing with it.

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Filed under Being Alone, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Life, Loneliness/Solitude, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Philosophies of Life, Socialization

The Burdens from Caring for a Developmentally Delayed Child was Too Much, the Mother Jumped into the Water, the Father Tried to Save Her, Both Parents Ended Up Dead

It is hard enough, taking care of a normal child, and this family needed to care for one that’s developmental delayed, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

A woman with a Chinese descent, Chen was found, drowned to death, close to where she lived, in a large ditch, her husband, Wang was missing; and because Chen had prior records of attempting suicide, and was saved, the police believed, that it was because of the stresses she’d faced, taking care of her developmentally slow son, and she couldn’t handle it, took the leap into the river, and her husband who couldn’t swim went after her, and was drowned too, and missing, the firefighters are searching for Wang through the nights.

The police investigated, that Wang (age 39) , married Chen (age 30) from China, both of them worked in a factory, has a six-year-old and a two-year-old son, but the older child was developmentally delayed, and harder to care for, the couple got along really well, but, because taking care of their older child was hard, and so, they’d gotten into verbal altercations from time to time.

The police told, that the three generations of the family lived under the same room, the grandparents on the first floor, Wang and their children, on the second; at around four in the afternoon yesterday, the youngest child cried about how he wanted his mom, tripped and fell at the entry of the staircase, the grandfather didn’t see the daughter-in-law come down to check on the child, felt it was odd, and, after the grandfather gone upstairs, he’d found both the parents aren’t around, immediately called it in.

The family stated, that Chen, ten days ago, had gone to the drainage systems in Hsiu-Shui to attempt to drown herself, but, her father-in-law found her in time, and prevented her from so doing; yesterday afternoon, Chen went out again, and her husband ran out without putting on his shoes, perhaps, because Chen wanted to kill herself, the husband ran after her, to prevent her from doing so, and, to save his wife, he leapt with her, but, because he couldn’t swim, they both drowned.

Chen left behind a notebook, with the final words for her son, “Mom knows you’re not a healthy child, but, mom will go, to a far away place now, to watch you boys grow up from afar.”  “Mom really loves you very, very, very much, you are my cherished babies, both of you…”, as the family members read how Chen spoke of nothing but love toward her sons, they all felt bad, that she had died.

The relatives of the Wangs said, that the eldest son is slow-to-learn, and reacted slowly, the family would take him to the hospitals for follow-ups, the parents of Wang not only helped the couple look after the child, also treated Chen, their daughter-in-law, as if she were their own, they couldn’t figure out, what drove Chen to commit suicide.

Perhaps, it’s how she felt awful about her son’s conditions, and she could do nothing about it, and, with the strains from her day-to-day living, she just couldn’t get through, but that, is all speculations now.

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Children with Rare Conditions & Special Needs, Choices, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Family Matters, Hindsight, Life, Lives Lost, Loss, Messed Up Values, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Moral Responsibilities, Properties of Life, Social Awareness, Social Issues, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Suicides, Tragedies in the World, White Picket Fence

The Sense of Helplessness that Accompanies Me, in Caring for You

Been feeling it, quite a lot lately, actually, with the progression of your dementia, we’d placed you on meds, took you to a TON of supposedly-helpful classes, and now, they’re kicking you out, because you’d become, disruptive to others, and couldn’t concentrate for a long time…

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, nobody can and will EVER understand, for I’m one, fighting, this war that I know I can’t EVER win!  But, I keep, fighting on, took you to the doctors, and watched him, wrote out that one MORE prescription slip, for your meds, and, I’d wanted to ask him, is there any way, that I can, slow down the progression, but, the words, got swallowed down, and, it’d tasted bitter, as they, trickled down my throat.

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, why am I the one, who must handle it all?  When you’d stayed with me, you’d talked of your other kids, as if, I don’t even matter, how, how can you forget me, I am, your caretaker, your other kids are either way too busy, or they don’t want you, only me, I was, the only one who took you in, and this, is how you repay me?

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, does it ever, go away?  I know I shouldn’t, and I feel, extremely guilty for it, but, why can’t you, just die already?  You’d already, outlived your husband, isn’t that enough???

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Despair, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Vicious Cycle

Being the Primary Caretaker of Her Demented Father, “How Could He Forget Me!”

Caretaking of demented elderly, translated…

Patients who are diagnosed with dementia has a declining mental capacity, it’s such a tragic and sad process, and, the decline of mental capacity is not limited to the loss of memories, it’s often accompanied by the ability to make judgments as well as abstract thinking abilities on the decline as well, and, the whole thing combined, turned the matter into scenes after scenes of hard-to-deal with arguments and difficulties in one’s life.

Mr. Wang was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s many years ago, from the very beginning when the symptoms started when he’d started asking his family members the same questions again and again, to his eyes, slowly overcome with that look of helplessness, in the multiple sessions with the doctor, the families were told that this, IS the progression of Alzheimer’s, and, the children could comply with how their father would fall silent from time to time, and get loud every now and then, and they’d returned home to visit with him even more, hoped, to keep the years shared on the increase.

His Youngest Daughter Took Good Care of Him, But, Her Father Had, Forgotten Her

Ms. Wang is the youngest of her family, when her father was diagnosed, she was the one who’s not yet married, their mother died early, so naturally, she’d shouldered up the responsibilities to care for him.  With the worsening of her father’s condition, Ms. Wang took an early retirement from the school she’d taught at, and, helped her father live off of his own savings, as well as her own retirement pensions, the days are hard, and, seeing how her father deteriorated by the day, she’d started fretting.

When Mr. Wang started becoming delusional and started arguing with her, Ms. Wang realized that her father’s conditions had progressed even further.  From time to time, her father would have that doubtful gaze, asked her, “What’s your name?”, she thought, that it was a temporary moment of memory lapse, how could he forget, the daughter who’s by his side for all these years, until the day…

“Dad, wake up for your breakfast!”, as Ms. Wang prepared the meals, and waken her father up for it, her father looked at her, with panic, screamed, “GET AWAY from me!  Why are you in my house!  What do you want from me!”, Ms. Wang was shocked, and had, time and time, told Mr. Wang her name, that she was the daughter he’d lived with every single day now, but, Mr. Wang kept denying her as his daughter, and insisted, that his daughter lives in another city.

As Her Father’s Condition Progressed, She’d Become a Stranger to Him

Ms. Wang called up her older sister, and handed the phone to her father, and her father behaved like a child who was shocked, told her eldest that there was a bad lady that came to his house, and, as he spoke, the tears of panic came to his eyes.  At which time, Ms. Wang could no longer hold it in, started tearing up, by the corner of the walls.

As the eldest sister rushed back home, her father, with that look of panic, hid out in his own bedroom, and, her youngest sister, without ANY facial expressions, sitting in the living room, crying.  Ms. Wang finally cracked, she’d screamed hysterically, “How can he forget me!  I’d given up my job for him, sacrificed my love life, my life, used ALL the energies I have, to care for him, and, all he could remember was, you, the daughter who married far off, are all these years I’d been giving my life for naught now?”

A Slow-Rewind of His Memories, the Hardships Were, Forgotten First

The memories of the demented elderly started getting lost, from the newer ones, so, at first, they’d have troubles, recalling what was just said to them, then, with the progression of the disease, the patients’ memories started to rewind forward.

The earliest memories that one has is the slowest to be gone, and so, Mr. Wang may forget about his youngest daughter, then, his oldest, forgetting about one’s own offspring, before one’s own spouse, and, it’s all because of the difference in the time and accumulation of moments shared.

A lot of the younger and unmarried children became the primary caretakers of demented parents, but, with the progressions of the illness, it’d made the caretaking duties harder to handle, and they’re the very first to get forgotten.  But, the blurring of the demented patients and the simplified logic, a condition that neither parties wanted to have happened occurs.  Other than handling the caretaking duties, one must also have plans for one’s own life, and you must share your thoughts with someone else, so you don’t carry it all on yourselves.

So, from this, you CAN see, how uneven the primary caretaker feels, right?  She’s the one who took her father in, took good care of him, and yet, she’d become a stranger to him, and, this would be hard for this woman to handle because she’d put EVERYTHING into caring for her demented father, and, in the end, he couldn’t even recognize him anymore, but that, is the progression of this illness of old age.

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Expectations, Life, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Old Age

Why Are You So Unhappy???

This, is from an observer’s perspective…

Why are you so unhappy?  You already have everything in life, everything I can EVER dream of, so, why are you still dissatisfied with life, I don’t get you, you know?

Why are you so unhappy?  What the F*** (maxed out, remember???) do you KNOW about my life?  Just because I look like I have all the gold, glory and everything ELSE in between, that still doesn’t mean, that I have EVERYTHING that makes ME happy, and, who the HELL are you, to JUDGE?

Why are you so unhappy?  I don’t see how my unhappiness is of anybody’s concerns here!  Why are you so unhappy?  You shouldn’t be like this, you know, instead look around, and see all those others, with less than you, they’re still, doing the best they possibly can, to make their lives matter, but, they’re still NOT me, so, how the F*** (“maxed” out, remember???) would they know, how I feel?

Why are you so unhappy?  Why the HELL do you care, and, since WHEN, did my happiness or unhappiness become a “public” issue?  Why can’t you just LEAVE me, in my misery already?  And, STOP bugging me!

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Filed under Cost of Living, Expectations, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Socialization, White Picket Fence