I Don’t Wonder How You Are…

Call this, a “limerick” with some, cuss words if you will…

I Don’t Wonder How You Are

‘Cuz I Really Don’t (or is it Can’t???) Give a Flying FUCK!

I Don’t Wonder How You Are

‘Cuz I Already Know the Answer to That

I Don’t Wonder How You Are

photo from online

Now that I’m, Way, Way, W-A-Y, Better Off, without You

I Don’t Wonder How You Are

And There Ain’t No Way in Hell (Heaven, or on Earth)

You Can Make Me Care

And that is, T-H-A-T!

This “open mic” session is now, O-V-E-R…

And note: I still did NOT just get DUMPED either, ‘k???  Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh…hmmmmmmmmm, and how does that make you feel?  And I’m currently “charging” at the “jacked up” rate of, FOUR CENTS, instead of the two from………how long ago did I “hike up” my “cost of operations” again???  Oh gosh, oh golee, oh, gee, can’t remember now!

WHAT, “Qualifies” You, as My, M-A-N???

Bear with me, folks, and yeah, my sarcastic side is, “out to play” again…

WHAT, “qualifies” you, as, my, M-A-N???  Oh wow, what a large DICK you have (like how Little Red commented on Big Bad Wolf’s Ears???)?  WHAT, “qualifies” you, as, my, M-A-N???  And, what MAKES you THINK, that I’m in need of a, M-A-N (b.t.w: I am, already, “looking” for my next, head HONCHOS here!!!)???

WHAT, “qualifies” you as, my, M-A-N???  How many tricks can you do?  ‘Cuz, I’m in desperate need of, good ol’, boys that is trained to respond to my commands of, SIT, STAY, HOLD, HEEL, good boy, now, FETCH!!!

how men training should be, done! “Sit, Stay…”

photo from online

Can you do all of that???  Yeah, and on top of all of that, you’re still NOT, NEUTERED yet (one of my, biggest RULE in this big ol’ book of mine!), so yeah, I’m not, “hiring” now, for the “positions” of, my two brand new, “bed buddies” here.

And besides, I’d already, selected two of those, larger breed males, and they will come in the “variety” of ALREADY NEUTERED, because I will be, adopting my two, brand new, good ol’, adult, baby S-O-N-S.

So, the Queen is going to retrieve (like a golden retriever???) her two, ADULT males from the shelters by???  June/July-ish, maybe, still got NO clue when I’ll be, heading “home” YET, but soon, and I still know it!

What qualifies you as my, M-A-N???  Oh, wow, you still got your, REPRODUCTIVE capabilities intact?  Get FIXED (castrated, ‘cuz a vasectomy won’t do the “trick” NO more!!!), then, we’ll have this talk again, otherwise, don’t EVEN!!!

An “Interview” to Be My P-E-T

Feel free to see this one as humor, or sarcasm…

Fill out those “applications”, and wait to get called…

Sir number one…

What’s your name…

who’s mama’s good boy, huh??? C’mere!

photos from online

No response, ‘cuz dogs don’t speak “human”???

Now, let’s try something BASIC:

SIT

STAY

DOWN

SHAKE

ROLL OVER

PLAY DEAD

PRETTY (what we shortened “sit pretty” to when we’d trained our dogs from before!)

And my favorite…

Shhhhhhhhh (holding my index finger to my lips, without the NEED to point to my ear as a “cue”, ‘cuz I got them trained already???)

And, if you can’t do all of the above, and MORE tricks that I will be teaching you, then, don’t bother!

To pass the interview to become my PET, well, that’s easy, you need to be four-legged, with a tail behind your butt, can respond to my god damn, @#$%ING (maxed!) commands of SIT, STAY, HEEL, and do NOT pull and tug on your leashes when I take you guys out to walk.

And, if you can fulfill ALL of these, above requirements, then, I’d loved to, have you come to stay with me, but first on a trial basis, ‘cuz I need to be absolutely CERTAIN, that our “relationship” will built do, last, and by that I mean, until the END of your lives.

First Dates…

Can I, take you out???

No, but I can, totally, take YOU O-U-T!

And that, was how that first date, began, on the, WRONG feet…

These are, usually awkward (I’m thinkin’, seeing how the only “dates” I had ever had were on their LEASHES, following my lead???), because, you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, you want to leave an impression, but don’t want to sound or make yourselves appear, too desperate (c’mon, I wanna get LAID here!!!), and so, the two of you sat, uneasy, through that supper, and then, following that supper, which the food didn’t taste like anything (b-l-a-h!).

Next comes, that movie, I mean, you gotta go see that newest whatever film you wanted to go, right???

So, the dudes purchased the tickets, and the ladies went to get the popcorns, the snacks, yada, yada, yada…and the two of you, sit in the darkness, and, nothing.

I mean, am I supposed to be, gentlemanly and take her hand, because I’m assuming that she might get freaked, as Freddy Kruger whacked someone on screen?

And then, the night dragged on, two long, the two of you hadn’t spoken any meaningful words to each other, Y-E-T!

Finally, came time to take her home…

So, you took the long way, driving ‘round, thinking, that the night shouldn’t end like this, I mean, you two hadn’t even done ANYTHING that’s, meaningful (define meaningful for me!!!) yet.

But, you ran out of roads to drive down, and so, you scratched your scalp, look down at your Rolexes (you do have one of those, right???), oh wow, it’s this late already, how fast the time flies, then you, drive right below the speed limit (‘cuz you don’t want to leave the bad impressions of not following the traffic rules on your first dates!), and you get that woman home.

And that, would be, how it, W-E-N-T, down that, toilet drain, but hey, don’t worry, “honey” (still the SARCASTIC side of the QUEEN here!), you just might, get a second chance, based off of her evaluation of your performances that night.

Yep, we’re still the ones, DECIDING, IF we want you or not, ‘cuz, it’s a WOMAN’s WORLD, so, DO behave, B-O-Y-S, now, who wants to go out for a run???

Meet the “Father” of My, Baby Girl!

I know this is, kinda, late, but I still, feel the need (uh, yeah, get REAL here!!!) to INTRODUCE all of y’all to the father of my, “baby girl”…

Let’s see, who shall be, the father, of my, baby Emily again???  The SUSPENSE is, killing me here!

Oh wow, that “dart” (more like those knives, throwing at the plate that spins around with the woman TIED to the bull’s eye in that, “magic trick” if you ask me!!!) had landed.

And the WINNER is???

CONGRATULATIONS, DONOR X, you are, randomly selected AS, the biological father for MY DEAD Emily!

And here’s what I would expect from you, dude: you need to have a perfect character, no known inherited illnesses, a good bloodline (preferably, “pure”, whatever THAT means!!!), and, basically, just any male sperm with an X-chromosome will do (see, I’d, reduced my “criteria” after I’m already aged???).

wow, too many choices, how, oh how, will I, “select”???

photo from online!

So, there you have it, folks, and this would be, a one-time only deal, so, get a close look (feel free to place the “father” of my baby girl under that microscope!) at who got, “randomly selected” (by that dart, with my eyes blindfolded here???) to BE, the FATHER of my, baby girl…

Yeah, uh, as if, still don’t need NO (and your point being???) tadpoles that can’t lose their god damn TAILS, and grow the legs, and switch from the gills to the lungs) donor SPERMS here, okay???

Now, back off already???

A Week Until Your Birthday, “Honey”…

This is still, SARCASTIC, and it’s “dedicated” to, you-know-WHAT (instead of a you-know-who???).

It’s a week until your birthday, “honey”, how you wanna, celebrate, huh?  How about, a serving of ME, in my sexy lingerie (don’t even LOSERS!!!), with that cherry on top?  A week until your birthday, “honey”, is YO mama planning on giving you that BLOWJOB you’d been, beggin’ her for this year?

A week until your birthday, “honey”, and trust me, you will NOT be having ANYTHING that you want, not from me (and I already KNOW what you want from me there!).  A week until your birthday, and, how many years had you been ‘round???  That’s what, SIX away, from HALF a century (you do the “math”, why don’t you!), and, do you know enough?  Uh, hell no!  ‘Cuz, you’re, still, STUCK, with your head UP your ASS, and I can’t help you there, “baby”, to pull that HEAD of your, out of your, @#$%ING (maxed out!!!) A-S-S!!!

like this, except that you’re, NOT that, C-U-T-E! Photo found online

And, just so you know, I’m still NOT E-A-S-Y (and, don’t, you mother FUCKERS out there!!!), I won’t lay myself down, and get flat on my bed, and yes, I will be having those TWO men who will be, using MY body as THEIR, doggy pillow (instead of doggy bed???  ‘Cuz they’re both gonna be LARGE breeds!).

So, here’s to you, ASShole, CHEERS!

Yeah right, and dudes, get real here, ‘k???

And yes, I’m done, with this particular “round” of SARCASM…

Unfathering, a Child…

How you gonna, do that, huh???  Oh I know, hit that, REWIND button, so the moment your DICK got, shoved UP her you-know-where, and you’d, fired off your shots, you don’t…right???

Unfathering, a child, you can’t do that, “honey”, ‘cuz, it’ not like you can, hit the REWIND, and turn everything backwards, just a few, second, before you decided to, “go in”, can you?  Of course not.

And, although ,you can’t, unfather a child, guess what, I can, ‘cuz I got the POWER (muah-ha-ha, that’s my evil laugh, by the way!) to.

now, the race of, tadpoles…from online

see how all of ’em try to stick their heads in, but none can???

Unfather a child, you already had, honey, and guess WHO the big mama is?  Exactly, and seeing how this is a coup d’état of this HEN house by this ROOSTER (moi!!!), nobody moves!

And, congrats, we’re, no longer your children, daddies, you done your “work”, at the moment you inserted your god damn DICK into our mothers’, vaginas, and that, is as far as fatherhood, goes, for all y’all, sons-of-bitches (where’s that scalpel???) combined…

The “Meet Up”, with the, “Father” of My, Child…

Well, it this is NOT awkward, then I don’t’ know WHAT is!!!

So, let’s, imagine this, I, the QUEEN, wandering off on her own (again!!!), walks into that SPERM BANK, and I tell the worker at the counter: hello, I’m here, to receive a TADPOLE!

Then, they sent me, waiting, in that, room with the, neutral colored walls (said to have that, sort of a, calming effect???), and I wait, and wait, and wait, how LONG, does it take ONE loser, to FIRE of a fucking shot???  I’d, wondered…

The “meet up”, with the, “father” of my, child, well, that’s it, we shook hands, and I tell “it” (b/c, that is, what all you sons-of-bitches, not the four-legged varieties, had been reduced down to by me!), thanks for your DONATION!

and here’s, what Fungi imperfecti” looks like…

look how it grows, like, a tree! Photo from online

The “meet up” with the, “father” of my, child, uh, yeah, you wish, if I want to continue to have these children of mine, I go into my own head, and I’m, reproducing like that FUNGUS (deuteromycota, anybody???) and I start, popping ‘em all out.

And so, this saves the bill, losers, and no need to treat the QUEEN out for a beer (as it will, give me GAS, and I HATE that feeling of bloating!!!), and, no thanks on the dinner invite, like I can’t pay for my own meals here???  You have GOT to be, shitting me here!!!

Will I, Take YOU, as My, Lawfully Wedded, ASSHOLE???

Yes, we’d, arrived to the SITE of a SUICIDE here…

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  Uh, say that again???

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  Just to make sure, I am, at my own, funeral (‘cuz that’s what all weddings are???), right???

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  To serve for all of eternity, ‘til death do us part?  Taking out that tiny gun I have inside of my bride’s dress right now here…

as they stand at the altar…photo from online

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  HECK no!  ‘cuz, for all I know, you’re just, looking to “score” that FUCK, and after you’re done with that shit, I’ll be struck off your list, right?  And, let me tell you something, “honey” (yep, sarcasm’s still INTACT here!!!), I ain’t that easy, and for all I know, of your long track records (since your first WHORE from high school, continuing until, present day I’m thinkin’…), how can I be sure, that you don’t have any STDs, or STIs, ‘cuz I know I got myself, super, duper “clean”, as the ONLY THING that’s ever gotten shoved UP you-know-where, was that ultrasound from back in ’07 here, and, yeah, there’d been TWO men with whom I’d “slept with” continuously up until 2012 to 2013-ish???  And none after that.

And now, I will not, lawfully be “wedded” to an ASShole here still, ‘cuz, got enough of those in my life already, and ain’t got no need for any more, and besides, as a QUEEN, I know that none of y’all, idiots who are still, riding ‘round in this fairytale forest o’ mine, slaying MY pet dragons (and that constitutes as MURDER!!!), settin’ fires to all them wooden cabins, breaking the princesses’ coffins, wakin’ ‘em up before they’d had enough sleep (and we should ALL know by now, how the QUEEN gets, if she didn’t get enough sleep!) already, so…

like the lives animals, getting slaughtered for a sacrifice! Illustration found online

Men Who CAN, Warm Me Up…

This is, what I’m, in need of right now, but, but, but…I’m just NOT there (don’t ask “where”!) yet…SHIT!

Men who CAN, warm me up, yes, I’m in need of those right now, because, it’s always, better, to SLEEP with men, to have them, AT my feet, talking in their dreams, so long as they don’t start whining, whimpering, and talk too loud that they’d, affected my sleep, then, we’ll, get along, JUST fine there.

Men who CAN, warm me up, been longing for TWO (so???) brand new, FOUR-LEGGED, larger breed (‘cuz if they are like my past two, then, I’d had to, SQUAT down to their levels, to BITCH them out, which would be, a bit, more inconvenient than I liked…) men, and yet, I still, can’t get them home, ‘cuz, I’m still, NOT quite there (don’t ask “where”!) yet.

someone I can “spoon” with! Photo from online

Men who CAN, warm me up, the criteria for the “position” (not for SEX you MORONS!!!) that I’m, currently, “hiring” for would be, the two MEN (‘cuz I can only deal with two of ‘em at a time???) need to be able to get trained to respond to my commands of, SIT, STAY, good boys, now, go fetch mommy her pink bunnies, drop it, drop it, I say, DROP it, good boys!

Now, who’s UP for that walk, huh???  Come to MAMA!

That, would be the only MEN who will EVER be allowed, on MY god damn, QUEEN-SIZED, or KING-SIZED (???) mattress at night.

And yeah, I know I can count on my two boys, to warm ME up at night, more so than I can count on you, two-legged, LOSERS, so, that position’s been, “filled” there, do NOT send in your applications.

‘Cuz the QUEEN is no longer, holding the “job interviews”…