Category Archives: Humor/Sarcasm

First Dates…

Can I, take you out???

No, but I can, totally, take YOU O-U-T!

And that, was how that first date, began, on the, WRONG feet…

These are, usually awkward (I’m thinkin’, seeing how the only “dates” I had ever had were on their LEASHES, following my lead???), because, you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, you want to leave an impression, but don’t want to sound or make yourselves appear, too desperate (c’mon, I wanna get LAID here!!!), and so, the two of you sat, uneasy, through that supper, and then, following that supper, which the food didn’t taste like anything (b-l-a-h!).

Next comes, that movie, I mean, you gotta go see that newest whatever film you wanted to go, right???

So, the dudes purchased the tickets, and the ladies went to get the popcorns, the snacks, yada, yada, yada…and the two of you, sit in the darkness, and, nothing.

I mean, am I supposed to be, gentlemanly and take her hand, because I’m assuming that she might get freaked, as Freddy Kruger whacked someone on screen?

And then, the night dragged on, two long, the two of you hadn’t spoken any meaningful words to each other, Y-E-T!

Finally, came time to take her home…

So, you took the long way, driving ‘round, thinking, that the night shouldn’t end like this, I mean, you two hadn’t even done ANYTHING that’s, meaningful (define meaningful for me!!!) yet.

But, you ran out of roads to drive down, and so, you scratched your scalp, look down at your Rolexes (you do have one of those, right???), oh wow, it’s this late already, how fast the time flies, then you, drive right below the speed limit (‘cuz you don’t want to leave the bad impressions of not following the traffic rules on your first dates!), and you get that woman home.

And that, would be, how it, W-E-N-T, down that, toilet drain, but hey, don’t worry, “honey” (still the SARCASTIC side of the QUEEN here!), you just might, get a second chance, based off of her evaluation of your performances that night.

Yep, we’re still the ones, DECIDING, IF we want you or not, ‘cuz, it’s a WOMAN’s WORLD, so, DO behave, B-O-Y-S, now, who wants to go out for a run???

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Filed under Because of Love, Humor/Sarcasm, Interpersonal Relations, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, The Observer Effect, White Picket Fence

Meet the “Father” of My, Baby Girl!

I know this is, kinda, late, but I still, feel the need (uh, yeah, get REAL here!!!) to INTRODUCE all of y’all to the father of my, “baby girl”…

Let’s see, who shall be, the father, of my, baby Emily again???  The SUSPENSE is, killing me here!

Oh wow, that “dart” (more like those knives, throwing at the plate that spins around with the woman TIED to the bull’s eye in that, “magic trick” if you ask me!!!) had landed.

And the WINNER is???

CONGRATULATIONS, DONOR X, you are, randomly selected AS, the biological father for MY DEAD Emily!

And here’s what I would expect from you, dude: you need to have a perfect character, no known inherited illnesses, a good bloodline (preferably, “pure”, whatever THAT means!!!), and, basically, just any male sperm with an X-chromosome will do (see, I’d, reduced my “criteria” after I’m already aged???).

wow, too many choices, how, oh how, will I, “select”???

photo from online!

So, there you have it, folks, and this would be, a one-time only deal, so, get a close look (feel free to place the “father” of my baby girl under that microscope!) at who got, “randomly selected” (by that dart, with my eyes blindfolded here???) to BE, the FATHER of my, baby girl…

Yeah, uh, as if, still don’t need NO (and your point being???) tadpoles that can’t lose their god damn TAILS, and grow the legs, and switch from the gills to the lungs) donor SPERMS here, okay???

Now, back off already???

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Filed under Fertility, Humor/Sarcasm, Issues on Gender, Life

A Week Until Your Birthday, “Honey”…

This is still, SARCASTIC, and it’s “dedicated” to, you-know-WHAT (instead of a you-know-who???).

It’s a week until your birthday, “honey”, how you wanna, celebrate, huh?  How about, a serving of ME, in my sexy lingerie (don’t even LOSERS!!!), with that cherry on top?  A week until your birthday, “honey”, is YO mama planning on giving you that BLOWJOB you’d been, beggin’ her for this year?

A week until your birthday, “honey”, and trust me, you will NOT be having ANYTHING that you want, not from me (and I already KNOW what you want from me there!).  A week until your birthday, and, how many years had you been ‘round???  That’s what, SIX away, from HALF a century (you do the “math”, why don’t you!), and, do you know enough?  Uh, hell no!  ‘Cuz, you’re, still, STUCK, with your head UP your ASS, and I can’t help you there, “baby”, to pull that HEAD of your, out of your, @#$%ING (maxed out!!!) A-S-S!!!

like this, except that you’re, NOT that, C-U-T-E! Photo found online

And, just so you know, I’m still NOT E-A-S-Y (and, don’t, you mother FUCKERS out there!!!), I won’t lay myself down, and get flat on my bed, and yes, I will be having those TWO men who will be, using MY body as THEIR, doggy pillow (instead of doggy bed???  ‘Cuz they’re both gonna be LARGE breeds!).

So, here’s to you, ASShole, CHEERS!

Yeah right, and dudes, get real here, ‘k???

And yes, I’m done, with this particular “round” of SARCASM…

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Filed under Cost of Living, Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life

Unfathering, a Child…

How you gonna, do that, huh???  Oh I know, hit that, REWIND button, so the moment your DICK got, shoved UP her you-know-where, and you’d, fired off your shots, you don’t…right???

Unfathering, a child, you can’t do that, “honey”, ‘cuz, it’ not like you can, hit the REWIND, and turn everything backwards, just a few, second, before you decided to, “go in”, can you?  Of course not.

And, although ,you can’t, unfather a child, guess what, I can, ‘cuz I got the POWER (muah-ha-ha, that’s my evil laugh, by the way!) to.

now, the race of, tadpoles…from online

see how all of ’em try to stick their heads in, but none can???

Unfather a child, you already had, honey, and guess WHO the big mama is?  Exactly, and seeing how this is a coup d’état of this HEN house by this ROOSTER (moi!!!), nobody moves!

And, congrats, we’re, no longer your children, daddies, you done your “work”, at the moment you inserted your god damn DICK into our mothers’, vaginas, and that, is as far as fatherhood, goes, for all y’all, sons-of-bitches (where’s that scalpel???) combined…

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Cause & Effect, Fertility, Gender Roles, Humor/Sarcasm, Issues on Gender, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life

The “Meet Up”, with the, “Father” of My, Child…

Well, it this is NOT awkward, then I don’t’ know WHAT is!!!

So, let’s, imagine this, I, the QUEEN, wandering off on her own (again!!!), walks into that SPERM BANK, and I tell the worker at the counter: hello, I’m here, to receive a TADPOLE!

Then, they sent me, waiting, in that, room with the, neutral colored walls (said to have that, sort of a, calming effect???), and I wait, and wait, and wait, how LONG, does it take ONE loser, to FIRE of a fucking shot???  I’d, wondered…

The “meet up”, with the, “father” of my, child, well, that’s it, we shook hands, and I tell “it” (b/c, that is, what all you sons-of-bitches, not the four-legged varieties, had been reduced down to by me!), thanks for your DONATION!

and here’s, what Fungi imperfecti” looks like…

look how it grows, like, a tree! Photo from online

The “meet up” with the, “father” of my, child, uh, yeah, you wish, if I want to continue to have these children of mine, I go into my own head, and I’m, reproducing like that FUNGUS (deuteromycota, anybody???) and I start, popping ‘em all out.

And so, this saves the bill, losers, and no need to treat the QUEEN out for a beer (as it will, give me GAS, and I HATE that feeling of bloating!!!), and, no thanks on the dinner invite, like I can’t pay for my own meals here???  You have GOT to be, shitting me here!!!

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Filed under Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Will I, Take YOU, as My, Lawfully Wedded, ASSHOLE???

Yes, we’d, arrived to the SITE of a SUICIDE here…

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  Uh, say that again???

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  Just to make sure, I am, at my own, funeral (‘cuz that’s what all weddings are???), right???

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  To serve for all of eternity, ‘til death do us part?  Taking out that tiny gun I have inside of my bride’s dress right now here…

as they stand at the altar…photo from online

Will I take YOU, as my, lawfully wedded, ASSHOLE???  HECK no!  ‘cuz, for all I know, you’re just, looking to “score” that FUCK, and after you’re done with that shit, I’ll be struck off your list, right?  And, let me tell you something, “honey” (yep, sarcasm’s still INTACT here!!!), I ain’t that easy, and for all I know, of your long track records (since your first WHORE from high school, continuing until, present day I’m thinkin’…), how can I be sure, that you don’t have any STDs, or STIs, ‘cuz I know I got myself, super, duper “clean”, as the ONLY THING that’s ever gotten shoved UP you-know-where, was that ultrasound from back in ’07 here, and, yeah, there’d been TWO men with whom I’d “slept with” continuously up until 2012 to 2013-ish???  And none after that.

And now, I will not, lawfully be “wedded” to an ASShole here still, ‘cuz, got enough of those in my life already, and ain’t got no need for any more, and besides, as a QUEEN, I know that none of y’all, idiots who are still, riding ‘round in this fairytale forest o’ mine, slaying MY pet dragons (and that constitutes as MURDER!!!), settin’ fires to all them wooden cabins, breaking the princesses’ coffins, wakin’ ‘em up before they’d had enough sleep (and we should ALL know by now, how the QUEEN gets, if she didn’t get enough sleep!) already, so…

like the lives animals, getting slaughtered for a sacrifice! Illustration found online

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Filed under Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Marriages, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Wake Up Calls

Men Who CAN, Warm Me Up…

This is, what I’m, in need of right now, but, but, but…I’m just NOT there (don’t ask “where”!) yet…SHIT!

Men who CAN, warm me up, yes, I’m in need of those right now, because, it’s always, better, to SLEEP with men, to have them, AT my feet, talking in their dreams, so long as they don’t start whining, whimpering, and talk too loud that they’d, affected my sleep, then, we’ll, get along, JUST fine there.

Men who CAN, warm me up, been longing for TWO (so???) brand new, FOUR-LEGGED, larger breed (‘cuz if they are like my past two, then, I’d had to, SQUAT down to their levels, to BITCH them out, which would be, a bit, more inconvenient than I liked…) men, and yet, I still, can’t get them home, ‘cuz, I’m still, NOT quite there (don’t ask “where”!) yet.

someone I can “spoon” with! Photo from online

Men who CAN, warm me up, the criteria for the “position” (not for SEX you MORONS!!!) that I’m, currently, “hiring” for would be, the two MEN (‘cuz I can only deal with two of ‘em at a time???) need to be able to get trained to respond to my commands of, SIT, STAY, good boys, now, go fetch mommy her pink bunnies, drop it, drop it, I say, DROP it, good boys!

Now, who’s UP for that walk, huh???  Come to MAMA!

That, would be the only MEN who will EVER be allowed, on MY god damn, QUEEN-SIZED, or KING-SIZED (???) mattress at night.

And yeah, I know I can count on my two boys, to warm ME up at night, more so than I can count on you, two-legged, LOSERS, so, that position’s been, “filled” there, do NOT send in your applications.

‘Cuz the QUEEN is no longer, holding the “job interviews”…


Filed under Because of Love, Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Do I, Want, You???

Of course N-O-T, and, what am I, N-U-T-S???

Do I, want, you???

Let’s, DISSECT this, from a, rational, angle first…

I do NOT want you, because, why the FUCK (so???) would I, want to be, involved with (I’m still “with STUPID” here, remember???) a LOSER like you?

Do I, want, you???  Let me ask, does my mind want you???  Waiting for its, response…………this s me, waiting, for my mind, to get back to me…okay, yeah, NO!  Now comes, the soul…, this may take a little longer, as my soul is currently, wandering around and about, and I can’t get it back in, so just, bear with me here………………

Okay then, my “soul” had, “responded”, and that’s, also, a NEGATIVE!

like this???

photo from online

Now my heart, hmmmmmmmm, where’s that thing again???  Oh wait, don[‘t got one, so, that’ll be, an, automatic, NEGATIVE too.

Finally, my god damn, gorgeous, (yes I AM!!!) body…do you want him, body???  Okay, okay, calm yourself down there, “honey!”, yeah, it wants you already, it wants you, DEAD!

So, all four parts of me had, answered to that, million dollar question, and here’s, THE, RECAP:

NO part of me, my body, my mind, my soul, or my, nonexistent heart (‘cuz I’m still, THE Tin Man HERE???), wants you, not even my body, and, ewwwwwwwwwwww, gross!!!

So, there you have it, folks, NO part of me wants you (still not directed toward anybody who CAN read!!!), still just me, talking, to the walls here, ‘k???

Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh………(my notepad dropping to the floor, ‘cuz I’d, dozed OFF!), hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Do pay my secretaries (no need for any more of those, “introductions” here!) on your ways, out.

Thank you for visiting………………yeah, right!

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Filed under Because of Love, Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life

Why ICE CREAM is, WAY, Better than, S-E-X!

I have a carton with me here, right now, believe it or don’t, so, let’s, begin, shall we???

Why ICE CREAM is, WAY, better than, S-E-X: you can have it, ANY time you want to (so can sex happen), but hey, you only get FAT and the fat you’d gained from eating too much ice cream, gets burned off as calories after you exercised, so, it would be like, you didn’t eat it in the first place, uh-D-U-H!

Secondly, you don’t get the nasty “side effects” of nausea (of course, unless you ate your carton of ice cream way too fast, and, it makes you sick!), you don’t get morning sickness from eating too much ice cream either, you do NOT get constipation (as that’s a “symptom” of pregnancy too, right???), and, no loss of appetite, because the ice cream, so sweet, it gets your appetite going….

all the, varieties of flavors, and we won’t EVER, get bored, compared to S-E-X! Photo from online

Third, no nasty unwanted PREGNANCY from too much ice cream, save for maybe, the weight gains, I mean, you don’t expect, that all that ice cream you just gulfed down, to not “deposit” themselves onto your asses, tummies, legs, thighs, along with other parts on your bodies as adipose tissues (that’s FAT tissues, those of you interested in knowing!) do you?

Point is, I know it’s, not healthy, and it’s a BAD vice, but hey, who’s gonna, STOP me, huh?

Any takers, anyone, yeah, I’d like to see you, PRY this carton of half-eaten ice cream, away from my hands here.

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Filed under Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

The FATHER, of MY, Child…

Let me, introduce you ALL, to the father of my, child, wait for it, wait for it…

Okay, see that sippy cup, with that SPERM SHOT in it?  Yeah, and, H-I-S name was, ‘cuz I only needed him, for no more than, THREE nanoseconds (as that would be how long it takes all you, mother FUCKERS, to fire off your shots, right???  Still wouldn’t know here!), then, VOILA, my DEAD Emily gets, “implanted” inside of my body, or rather, I may be selecting to use, the IN vitro (my ASS!) method, to get my DEAD Emily, implanted into, this, DROP DEAD gorgeous (‘cuz I still am, and know it too, ‘k???  Yeah, uh-huh…) body o’ mine.


photo from online, and, EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

The FATHER, of my child, hmmmmmmmmmmmm, let’s see, where DID I, meet him???  Oh yeah, I was, attracted to those, seven digits (maybe, and, how the HELL should I know how those SPERMS are being “labeled” at the sperm banks, huh???), ‘cuz they looked, “right” (whatever THAT means!).  The FATHER, of my child, I only need a tadpole, to “make” my Emily, and yet, NONE of them tadpoles out of your, LARGE dicks, well, they will never be good enough, “swimmers”, and to ENSURE the SURVIVAL of this DEAD daughter of mine, I want, nothing but the best of the best, so, get ready, “boys”, wait, until that GUNSHOT sounds off, then, let’s see all you “guys”, race for it, huh?

See which of you, crosses the “finish lines” at the end of this, huge pool of seminal fluids, amniotic fluids, or, whatever NASTY SHITS there may be, how the #$%@ should I know here, then, you would be, chosen, as the SPERM that IMPREGNATE, the Q-U-E-E-N!

inside of, this…

photo also from online

So, which one o’ you guys, is up for this, “competition”?  Yeah, didn’t think so!

And herein, ends, another DAY, of my hard work here, AT, the L-O-O-N-E-Y-B-E-N-D…

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Filed under Humor/Sarcasm, Life, Properties of Life, Values