Category Archives: On Death & Dying

Dealing with Death, Feelings Associated with Death

Holding on, to a Life that’s, Already, Gone…

Funny (not to mention WEIRD!), how those, souls go, holding on, to a life that’s, already, gone, allowing, those memories of their pasts, to haunt us.

Holding on, to a life that’s, already, gone, that, is how the DEAD, won’t let go of the living, the DEAD, hangs on tightly, like that bite of that pit bull with a DEAD WISH, never, letting go!  Holding on, to a life that’s, already, gone, why?  Why can’t they dead, just, DIE, when the bodies stopped, their, biological, functions, huh?  Why do those memories of those whom we cared too much of, still hang around?

these, earthbound, spirits, like this???

查看來源圖片
not yet, completely, detached, from her, body there…photo from online

Holding on, to a life that’s, already, gone, why?  I mean, why can’t you, just, move on?  ‘Cuz of, all those regrets that surfaced up to your mind right before you died?  Was that it?  Well, it’s too late, you’re, already D-E-A-D, like it or don’t, your life, it no longer, wanted you, NO (and your point being???) more!

And as you lay dying…well, it’s, over, ‘cuz in, three-two-one you’re, D-E-A-D!

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Filed under Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

The Rates of Death Spiked, the Incompetence of the Government, Noted

Oh, and what says, the government???  “we’re, fixing this problem, FAST as we can!”, and nothing IS being done, no vaccines, no quick scans set up!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The most upsetting statistic for the numbers announced by the command center is, the confirmed deaths of the cases of MERS-CoV.  Up to the twelfth, there were, 411 individuals, who’d, died of contraction, the rate of death at 3.2-percent, so much higher than the world’s 2.17-percent.  Taiwan had, always, prided itself, on the medical care provisions, at the height of this outbreaks, the commander, Chen also stated, that Taiwan’s medical care systems won’t collapse.  If this is so, then, how come the rates of death still, spiked up high?

Toward this, the head of the legislative branch, as well as the commander of the CDC both stated, that it’s because those who’d contracted the virus are of the elderly populations, and there were a high percentage of these elderly with the progressive conditions too.  This is, liking throwing that boomerang at the dead, attempted to, get away from the responsibilities of taking the blames.

Japan is claimed to be the “World’s Oldest Country”, with elderly sixty-five and older taking up twenty-nine-percent of the population, but, the rates of death from MERS-CoV is only about 1.78-percent; the elderly population in U.S. takes up about sixteen-percent, with the rate of death from MERS-CoV being 1.74-percent.  The elderly population here is similar to the U.S., but the rate of death is, as high as 3.2-percent, sixty times of that of Singapore’s.  Could it be, that MERS-CoV is discriminatorily, selecting only the elderly in the population to “attack”, while it’d, spread out evenly, in America, and Japan too?  Those of us with the sense, knows that this, is a FALSE statement.

A lot of those I know who worked in the medical field believed, that the rates of death being so high is due to the government’s refusing to implement the general scans for the populations, causing those who are asymptomatic passing the virus along within their communities without knowing it.  And, when the symptoms started showing, those who are lucky, only suffered from the moderate to severe symptoms, while those who are not as lucky, don’t even get to see a doctor at all.  In other words, the command center only used the numbers presented to the office by the major media, ignored the fact, that, there is, a larger number of the population that aren’t, noted, it’s a wonder the death rates are, hiking up higher by the day.

With the numbers not noticed, it’d, explained how the rates of those who are severely symptomatic, and confirmed diagnoses after death are so high compared to other developed countries in the world.  By the average number of population, the severe symptoms found in the people are twice as much as Japan’s.  As the outbreaks got hard, there were half of the number of who’d died in the total, to the point of finding the dead bodies afloat in the rivers, the car crash being injured, those who’d lived alone and died, there were, a lot from these who’d gotten the confirmed diagnoses after death, which puts those paramedics, the police officers under great stress.  Toward their panic, Chen only stated, “These law enforcement officials need to be more careful”, like he wasn’t the least bit responsible for how fast and hard the epidemic is, hitting us all.

How many of those who contracted the virus are still running around?  We can, make a rough calculation, based off of those confirmed diagnoses after death.  It would be reasonable, to estimate the total number of contracted individual to 20,000, based off of the measures the rest of the world uses to calculate, which means, that there are still, close to eight thousand who had the virus, and not known it, running around.

This showed, how the estimates by the government came too delayed, and even as the vaccines are started to get out, we still, don’t have the ability to be, optimistic.  We’re, extending the stage three alerts, giving up our freedoms, to the end of, June here.  Because our government knew well, that with those, 8,000 undetonated bombs, their powers, are not to be, reckoned with.

Before May, the CDC refused to implement the measures of the general scans, this is the reason that caused the unknown large numbers of contractions.  Since the outbreaks started, the CDC boasted about how Taiwan had enough medical provisions, it wasn’t until the systems were, overloaded, they’d told those who are without the severity of the symptoms to go home on their own, which caused many of these cases to die.  A lot of people commended the Taiwanese public of being alerted enough, that we’d, quarantined ourselves to keep the outbreaks from spreading out.  But, from an alternative angle, this showed, how the people lacked trust in the government’s policies to protect against the spread, otherwise, why would we feel compelled, to give up our freedoms to move about and around, with just a few hundreds of confirmed cases of MERS-CoV?

The epidemic is out of control right now, and clearly, this reflected on the failed policies of disease prevention, and, toward the lacking of enough provisions of medical care, and the vaccine availabilities, the government is, at question on its, methods.  For instance, to implement the vast scanning systems, to set up the temporary hospitals, to buy the vaccines, and, enforce the rates and speeds of the people’s being, vaccinated, they should all be the focal points of this new, elevated stage of defense.  As for if the current system works, I’m afraid, that those making the policies, those in power, need to, think it over.

And so, the incompetence of this government is, what SCREWED, “we the people” over, and there’s still, NOTHING that WE the people, CAN, do about it!  And, we’re going to become that tribe in South American, with our, final “member”, DYING of the contraction of MERS-CoV, and thus, ends, ALL of us, as, a “country” of people here!

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Filed under "Professional" Opinions, Abuse, Abuse of Power, Basic Human Rights, Death by Negligence, Downward Spiral, Legislature, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Life, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

Taking the Risk with the Flight, the Terminally Ill Cancer Patients Fought Hard to Survive

Due to the lack of availabilities of vaccines here in this “free” country where I’m currently living, this is what’s, currently, happening, everybody tries, to GET out of the country, to get the medical help (i.e. vaccines, and other sorts of treatment measure provisions!) they’re in need of, because the government here, “malfunctioned”…off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

The media press reported, how the Taoyuan International Airport is, jam packed with those heading over to the U.S., a lot had come to Taiwan, to escape the outbreaks, and now, people are, heading back to the States, to get the vaccines, and of them, the cancer patients, fighting for, their, lives too, this is, what my families are, faced with, the struggles.

The oncologist told, that the cancer network of U.S. set up its newest recommendations in March this year, strongly recommending cancer patients should be prioritized in receiving the MERS-CoV vaccines.  Because once the cancer patient contracted the virus, all the cancer treatment measures will be halted, and at the same time, the patients would be in quarantine; and if the infections turned into pneumonia, not only would there be needs to administer the cancer treatment drugs, but also, the drugs for pneumonia too, making the level of difficulty in treatment increasing, and this also increase the rates of, fatality.

But, the cancer patients aren’t a group of priority injection recipients.  In mid-April, a younger family member was, diagnosed with cancer, he has elderly parents, and children in the elementary school years, the burdens on him, he couldn’t, let go of.  He’d gone to N.T.U. to treat his cancer actively, taking the target medications, about to get radiation, to shrink the cancer cells, using that optimism, to fight, but, the outbreak occurred, and, messed up all of his, plans.

Life and death is already, set, we all know that.  But, if the government stalled us, nobody, I believe, can accept it.  People have the rights to life, no matter the ways, government, PLEASE, give the cancer patients, a chance, to live!

And, this is just, how bad it’s, currently, getting, in this country, where once, medical care provisions are, looked upon as, one of the BEST in the world, and yet, this round (not with Jose Cuervo, I’m afraid!) with MERS-CoV, it’d, totally, busted the medical systems, and this still just showed, how ill-prepared this country truly is, and we (collectively speaking, that is!), pride ourselves (see the previous parenthesis) on having the BEST forms of free medical healthcare program in the world?  Yeah, see how this “tiny bug” called, MERS-CoV is, kicking this country, as well as the systems’ A-S-S here!

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Filed under Life, Observations, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Life, the Finality of Life

The Him I Knew

How we all, leave this world, with nothing, because we came, with nothing, but our, skins, and bones!  Translated…

Before I’d pulled his pants down that scent already, took over, the, entire space, as I’d received a call from his eldest, I’d, rushed over immediately, and, I couldn’t have, imagined it like this—he’d not had a diaper change in almost an entire, day.  I’d tried to, not allow the shock of what I saw, as well as the scent to get to me, but I’d, changed my thought, that he must’ve been, the one who’d been. Most uncomfortable of all, who’d been bed ridden all day, and couldn’t work up the strength, to go to the toilets.

The patient from the same room told, that he’d watched many hired nurses run away already.  He’d once gotten the investment opportunities just right, opened up a small scale company in Vietnam, or maybe it’s because of this, he’s always, with that flare of the hotshot boss, whether it be toward the nurses who’d come to change the dressings on his wounds, or the caretaker, even the patient in the next bed across from him, he’d, started, ordering them around, or maybe, he was, stuck in the terminal ill ward, that he felt awful how he couldn’t control his own bodily functions, and change his own predicaments, that he can only cuss aloud, smash everything he could get his hands on, to relieve his anger.

That day, before I’d entered into the hospital room, I’d heard a group of people talking inside, those friends, relatives, families, and everybody he knew were there, rushed in, diluted the air.  They’d talked incessantly, of the matters of business of his company, handed the documents one by one over to him, signed, stamped, signed, stamped………when every document was in order and valid, then, suddenly, the crowd, dissipated again.

this, is how we’ll, ALL, “go”…

查看來源圖片
photo from online

And it was also on the day, that he’d, had that conversation with me, talked of how he’d, broke grounds, made a land livable, how he’d, carried the burdens of hundreds of families on his back, how he’d, had to, grit down his teeth, and worked hard, there’s not that look of anger, violence in his eyes then, nor the lack of light, instead, his eyes, they’d, glowed, like how he suddenly, aged, how his younger, able-bodied self had, switched with his current, ailing, aging, rotting away, body; he’d talked of his wife who’d died, how she’d, assisted alongside him, his eyes became soft, his lips, raised upward, and as he’d told, he’d started, crying then.

The days that followed, until the white cloth got pulled over him, nobody he knew ever came visiting, don’t now if he’d known, that his end was, near, the days before his passing, he’d thanked all the doctors, nurses who’d treated him during the past, and apologized for his losing control toward them.

Seeing how one bed got wheeled out, another, wheeled in, it’d made me feel, that this cycle is, never-ending, that it’s, inevitable, but I can’t help but feel, about it deeply.

So, no matter what a hotshot big boss you are, you are still going to end, inside, that PINEBOX, and everything IS, equalized, you don’t come with nothing, you don’t leave with, NOTHING, but your skins, and bones!

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Filed under Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

As Death, Approached…

He’d started, noticing death, wandering around and about, outside of, his doors, at first, he wasn’t, alerted one bit, he’s still, quite young, death couldn’t, come for him, not yet anyways!

As death, approached, he’d, shockingly realized, that it’s, coming, for me!!!  And he’d, flown, into, that frenzy, started off in panic mode: how can this be?  I’d been, very careful of my own health, no, that’s not it, it can’t be here, for me, I must be, mistaken…

hear his footsteps, getting closer, and closer, and closer yet…

查看來源圖片
photo from online

As death, approached, he’d grown, weaker, as death became, stronger by the day, lurking over his head, and now, he lay, in that, white-washed walled, hospital room, with every cell in his body, tuned in to, the fears that death made him feel.

As death, approached, he knew that there’s, NO escaping it, for, NOBODY lives, forever, and, he’d, started, slowly, accepting, that this could be, his own, end.  As death, approached, it’d, grazed him, left but, a scorch mark on his soul, but he’s still, breathing, so that’s, a sort of a blessing, isn’t it???

As death, approached, all of us, held our breaths in, hoping, praying, with our fingers crossed, that it wasn’t, here, for us, not just yet, but, death comes, to EVERY life, there’s, NO way of, escaping it!

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Filed under Expectations, Loss, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

I See, a Poem

As we’re, about to, die…translated…

Death, Should be a Healthy & Joyous, Journey Away,

Without the Physical Forms, Playing on Time Lightly.  But, Would You be, Willing to, Go?

The Soul Arrives First at a Place Called Dreaming

Waiting

The Body Walked Closer, on that Forked Road

Hesitant.  Whatever Came to Mind, Appeared; Whatever was Call Aloud Echoed Back

As You Wake, You Found Yourself, Still, Lying on the Hospital Bed

Sunken, in Your Own, Illnesses, Hearing the Conversation of Blood & Resting, in Peace

查看來源圖片
shadowing, over our lives…sketch from online

The Sudden Cough Blocked Out the Phlegm, I Saw

The Bones, Broken by the Coughs, Piercing Through the Flesh

The Voice that Signified Anger Toward the Pains Came Out

Slowly, Vanishing in-Between What You Can’t Lost

There’s a Smear of Blood in the Lighting of the Hallways of the Hospital

A Thin, Naked Man, Held Himself Tightly, as He is, Wheeled, Out of the Treatment Room

A Few Male Nurses Hovered All that’s Remained, the Clothes,

And I See

The Moaning of Time Following Outside, with Tears Streaming Down its, Face

And so, this, is what old age, the ill, the hospital, the terminal wards looked like, there’s always the shadows of death, lurking around, each and every hospital room, and staying in the hospital is that feel of unease, because we don’t know, when death is, coming to, claim us…

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Farewell

The thoughtfulness of your mother, for setting UP her own, final affairs, as she knew you would have, more than enough on your plates, when she passes away, translated…

I want the Chinese traditional dress from Longdee!  Don’t forget it”.  My mother told me, with careful thought.  I’d watched T.V., with no mind on her, ranting.  I’d come home once in a long, long, long while, and you feared that I might forget, and so, you’d, reminded me, again, and again, of the after-death, how you wanted the white flowers at your funeral, the photo, the one of you as the head chair of the society, to select the traditional Chinese dress at the mall counters, let alone, you’d already, bought a slot for your urn already.  I’d always thought you worried too much, you’d only begun to use insulin to keep your diabetes under control.

Then, the wound from the skin peel off of your toes, left you scared for more than a year, you’d no longer dared to walk, not to mention, head outside.

“I’d not accounted for the cost of the hired nurse yet,” you’d sighed.

“We’ll pay for it, then, sell off that smallest house, you already own so many properties already!”

“No, that one’s for you!”

I can’t understand you.

“You’re already, immobilized, make yourself more comfortable, that’s, the task now!  Take a cab when you go out, don’t save up on this, go visit with your girlfriends, it’s way better than staying cramped up at home!”

Your health deteriorates by the day.  The first time you got lifted to the E.R., you’d ushered my younger brother to send out your DNR.  Your dialysis left the accumulation of fluids in your systems, you’d insisted not going to the hospital, said that in a few days, you will be like the elderly woman next door, die on her own, at home, I’d begged you, who was clearly, in a whole lot of pain, gotten down on my knees, then you’d, finally allowed the paramedics to move you, onto the ambulance.  As you went in, the doctor said you’re about to go into shock, wanted me to sign you treatment slip, I’d told, that you want the do-not-resuscitate orders, the physician got angered, and asked, “then why did you come to the hospital?”  Tears came running, and I was left, without, any, replies.

illustration from UDN.com

圖/豆寶

Several months later, you’d left, without, disturbing anyone.  An elder had already been told, that we were to get reminded to find that handwritten last will of yours in your room.  You’d written out how the assets would be split up, and how you were, more than grateful for my younger brother’s taking care of you, worried that our older brother has the pressures of mortgage, that was why you’d left him the shopfront, and insisted that your daughters who were married all have a share of your assets.  And we also found the four extra developed copies of the family photo, with the names of the three of us, sons and daughter and our father on it, for us to keep.

I’d prepared your favorite foods and drinks on the forty-nineth day after you died, and you were happy, and allowed us to know how pleased you were.  On the way home, I’d asked my two kids what I liked to eat, and they couldn’t tell.  And it’d, suddenly dawned on me, because you knew we didn’t know you that well, that’s why you’d, made the specifications; to not get us off our guards, you’d needed to, set everything up beforehand; worried that those of us who are still here might be distraught, you’d, found ways, to offer us the solace.

Your love, my mother, still never let go, until, your, final, moment in life!

And so, this, is the considerations of your elders, because losing your mother would hit hard, and she knew it, and so, your mother had, set everything up, and all you and your siblings, your loved ones had to do, is to, just follow her instructions, that, is the thoughtfulness of your elders, toward you.

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That Day, Unknown

On watching her husband, suffer, with his terminal illness, waiting, for death to come and, claim him, translated…

That day, my husband was, wheeled into the treatment room, had a “smooth ride” of his cancer treatment processes, no loss of hair, no losing all his weight, he’d only, complained of aches and pains more often, and as the primary treating physician visited his ward, he’d only, begged him for more pain meds, but, after the pains subsided, another sort of illness, took him over.

One afternoon, I’d, rushed off to the hospital, it was the call of the caretaker from the bed next to his.  I’d never seen him like this before, lips trembling continually, kept apologizing repeatedly, I’m sorry, I’m, sorry, the group of doctors hovered over his bed, and started discussing, and because my husband was in and out of comas, and started calling aloud things that don’t make sense, fearing that it might affect the other patients who shared the same room as he, they’d decided to wheel him into the treatment room.

查看來源圖片
as he’d, become like this…photo from online

And after that we’d, taken, that downhill slope toward, the bottom, he could laugh and chat at first, but, with his getting diagnosed with acute pneumonia, he had an intubation, and because of how the hospital worried that he might hurt himself, they’d, restrained him with the cloth bands to his bed, and his elbows now, bruised up, with the days that came and went, his skins ulcered.  Every day, he’d slept, waken up, waken up, and slept, and can only, stare at the ceilings, as he’d come home from work from before, he’d, ranted, incessantly on what went on during his work day, he can, no longer speak a single word now, and it must be, too, trying for him.

At first, my husband mapped out his, recovery plan, placed it at the bottom of his, desk drawer, he had a strong will to survive then, was optimistic on this path to, defeat cancer, and yet, months passed by, the life and death that came and went in the hospital wards, the elderly who was still there on the next bed, got wheeled out with a white cloth covering the bed today, my husband also, transferred from the normal wards, into the I.C.U., and connected to the machines to live now.

Once, I’d, gotten closed to his ears, told him, “if you still want to live, nod”.  And it wasn’t, as I’d expected, a nod, he’d shaken his head then, for a very, very, long time, with the tears that stained up a huge chunk of his, pillow.  While I, too selfish, can only, struggle within my own self, after I’d made up my mind, I’d still, tried to keep the moments of visiting him in the hospital afterwork, again, and again, and again, hour by hour, and, begged for that, unknown day, to finally, come.

And so, this, is how difficult it is, to watch someone you love very dearly, get tortured by his, illness, and, at the start he had this strong will to survive, thought he was going to, overcome, but, as time went by, he grew weaker, sicker, and now, he can only, lie in his hospital bed, and wait for death, and there’s, nothing you CAN do for him, save for, sign that DNR on his, behalf now.

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Filed under Awareness, Do-Not-Resuscitate, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Right to Die, the Finality of Life, The Right to Choose How One Will Die, Values

A Brighter, Ordinary, Day, a Poem

What’s, left, behind, translated…

The Wavelength that Passed Through the Collar of the Asteroid Belt of the Aging Dog of the Astronomer

The Blue Whale’s Lowered Whispers with the Trashed Submarine

Gave the Bay a Glow

I Lifted My Head up to the Darkness

Who Was it

That Forgot, to Turn the Lights within Our Bodies, Off

On the Shoulders of the General

That Invisible Kitty, Pounced on the Firing Squad from Before He Was, Still, Living

(The Songs of Sorrows from the Beginning

The Assets Immaterial in the Very End)

These Stanzas of the Poems, Shall Get Beyond What’s Been Destroyed Between You & Me, Sailing, All the Way, into, the, Skies

And so, this is on what’s left, after everything go, BOOM!  What remained, of the love, of the life that’s, gone, what is taken from the examples of these lives, lived………

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Filed under Creative Writing, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Poetry, Properties of Life, Translated Work, Writing

The Most, Unforgettable, Words

Because you’d, spent some time with your own mother, you have, NO regrets, after she’d, died, translated…

“The North Wind Blow/the Snow Falls/Underneath that Lonely Light/Only My Mother………” that folk song came, from the radio, and it’d, roused up the feelings of missing my own mom, along with our very last, conversation.  The lucid memories are like the wind, taking me, to that old mansion, so suddenly.

It was February that year, the weather, a bit, colder, my father-in-law was in critical condition, hospitalized, and, I had another worry, my mother, who’s not, doing at all, that well.  I’d called home during that time, my mom who’s, weakened was always, too drowsy, only spoke a few short words, then, passed out.

One day I received a call from the hired caretaker, said that my mother’s oxygen level was low in her blood, my heart tightened, and I took the high-speed rail, southbound immediately.

The afternoon sunshine, slanted in to the vacant living room, passed through that long hallway, I’d arrived at the bedroom on the first floor, where my mother was, fast, asleep.  I walked to the bed, saw her slender face, the room was filled with the sound of the blood-oxygen machine and her heavy breathing.

I’d called to her light, “Mom, I’m home!”, she’d opened up her eyes, “Why are you home?  Have you eaten yet?”, then, she told me she wanted to get out of bed, and I’d, helped her onto the wheelchair with the homecare nurse, and took her to the living room.

on her, deathbed…

like this??? Artwork from online

My mother’s weakened body can’t sit up straight, she’d told me weakly, that her mouth tasted, bitter, I told the nurse, to get some plum pieces, that was from two weeks ago when I’d come home, it was my mother’s, favorite.  The nurse broke off a small piece to give to her, she’d looked at the nurse, told, “Give some to second eldest too.”  Her words was this surge of warmth, entered into my body, that was my mother’s love for me, I knew she was sharing it because she loved it so.

Not long thereafter, she’d told us she was short of breath, wanted to return back to bed to lie.  So we’d, wheeled her back to her bedroom, put her to bed, then, she fell into a comatose, slurred her speech, until the end.

As I’d lost my father and my eldest sister, they’d not had the opportunities to have a final word with us, and so, my mother’s, “give a piece to second eldest” became something cherished, it was the love overflowing for me from my mother, and it’s, also, something that was, unforgettable, as I’d, remembered my mother since.

And so, this, is on life and death, of how important it is, to BE with, one’s own parents, of how important those moments that you will NEVER get a chance to live again means, after the loved ones, passed on, to leave, NO words of love unsaid, to have, NO regrets, left behind!

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