Category Archives: Family Dynamics

The Wowrkings of a Family

Brought Up that Way

“You can’t blame him”, she’d told, all her friends, as they all showed their condolences toward how she got that shiner on her eye, along with those bruised cheeks, again!

Brought up that way, that, was the sorry excuse that she’d used, to rationalize why he would take the downs of his life out on her!  Brought up that way, excusing his bad behaviors, how long, can you keep on, lying to yourself?  I know how much you wanted to believe in his FALSE promises of how he’ll change, how he will NEVER lay a hand on you, but, by NOT taking actions against HIS abuse, you’re only, getting yourself deeper…

Brought up that way, you’d been, using that, to EXCUSE his bad behaviors, and how many times had he hit you?  Gosh, I dunno, let me C-O-U-N-T………Brought up that way, yeah, so, let’s, examine the situations, shall we?  So, based off of that way of logic, shouldn’t ALL men who were raised under abuse, BE abusive?  But, NOT all MEN raised by abuse are abusive to their spouses (although the occurrences of abuse is higher, than the occurrences of not!).

Brought up that way?  So, I can BEAT the SHIT out of someone, when I feel awful about me, if I saw my father, beating on my mother every single night of my childhood?  Or, can I say those “accidental” hurtful words to you, because I heard daddy, yelling those mean things to mommy, and, they actually thought, that I was, already, asleep, as their arguments occurred, LATE in the nights?

Stop making excuses already, brought up that way?  Yeah, I too, WAS raised up by VERBAL, EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL abuses, as well as SEXUAL molestations, and for that, I’d taken it all out, on my D-O-L-L-S, ‘cuz they can’t fight BACK, so, don’t tell me I don’t know SHIT ‘bout scapegoating here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Awareness, Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Excuses, Family Dynamics, Lives Lost, Loss, Properties of Life, Vicious Cycle, Wake Up Calls

My Turn to Take Care of You This Time

From the mind of a son, translated…

The year that I’d interned at the emergency room, I’d always feared that my father would become one of the patients, every time I’d heard on the announcement system, that there was an unknown male patient, I’d always gone to check.  My father had been ill a long time, one morning, he had a stroke, was found by a neighbor, to be lying at the park, having a seizure, but after being treated, he’d gotten stabilized, and can now, live on his own.

I can’t believe, that my father who’d always been so strong, how he’d missed the signs of him growing weaker, back then, I’d spent all of my waking hours on my post, learned to ask the patients what was the matter, and how to treat their difficulties, and, in this busyness, I’d gotten a call, as I’d dialed back, it was, a stranger, telling me about my father’s conditions, how ironic!  My heart became twitched and tangled, I’d immediately rushed to the other hospital, saw my father, panting hard, at a corner of the emergency room; what’s worse was, I’d worked through the days and the nights, and neglected to ask him how he was, and was completely clueless about his mental and physical health.

I should’ve known, that my father had concealed his condition from me, because he didn’t want me to worry, I should’ve gotten that something wasn’t right from how fatigued he looked, all those knowledge I’d learned from medical school allowed me to look at every patient’s situations subjectively, but, I couldn’t see clearly what was going on with those I loved………I’d started doubting my love toward my father now, compared to those who’d kept me up all night long, thinking over their conditions, I don’t even know when was the last time my dad went to his doctor’s appointment, must there be a give and take between a greater kind of love and the love you have for those who are close to you?

There was a time, when I’d gotten trapped in the emotions of self-blame, before my father’s bed, I’d looked over his charts hard, trying to find a way, to make this love I have for him complete; but, what surfaced into my mind was not the medical knowledge, but the days my father and I spent together.  The tears of regrets stained my white robe, and, it was, as if my father heard my helpless cries, he’d worked hard, opened up his eyes, and told me, to not worry so much, word by word.

My father couldn’t control his drool, and, it’d slowly overflowed from the corner of his lips, I’d wiped it up lightly, I didn’t want someone else to look after him again, even as my father ushered me to head back to work, I’d still told him no.  This time, I want to, keep watch over my father, as his son.

And this, is how someone had become too focused on his job, that he’d forgotten about how important family is, but gladly, he’d gotten that wake up call just in time.

2 Comments

Filed under Despair, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, On Death & Dying, Parent-Child Interactions, Professional Opinions, Properties of Life, Socialization

The Teddy Bear at My House

Translated…

My daughter had always wanted a cat for a pet, but, because neither one of us wanted to, she’d let that thought go.  Back in high school, one day, she saw a Rilakkuma, she’d bought it, with glee, it was, about eighty centimeters in height, with light brown coat, a square head, short and fat limbs, very cute, my daughter called it “Bear”, the three of us all loved it so.  The bear would usually stay in my daughter’s room, and accompanied my daughter to dreams at night; during the cold winter nights, my daughter would make sure, that her bear is warm, but when she wakes in the morn, the bear would usually have made its escape out, and would be on its side or with its head into the bed, making my daughter laugh.

At meal time, my daughter would carry the bear to the tables and sat with us, it’d stood, on the long chair, with its two, short arms on the table, like a kid, standing up, to eat at the table.  After meal, my daughter would carry her Teddy bear back into her bedroom, and would from time to time, nag it, out of fun, “Everybody’s finished already, only you, still here, you glutton.”

The rest time before bedtime, we’d all lain on the bed, sharing conversations, naturally, the bear would also, be there too.

The bear is naturally, my daughter’s number one fan when she plays the piano, whenever my daughter would practice, she’d placed the bear close by; and from time to time, she would have me, hold on to the bear, and listen to her play, after she’s done performing, I would pull the bear’s hands together, to give her the applause, and hollered, “Encore!  Encore!”, and my daughter would be filled with glee.  Whenever my daughter felt off, she’d told her sorrows to her bear too, she felt, that the bear had great healing powers.

Whenever it’s sunny, my daughter would put the bear onto the couch in the living room, to give it a sunbath, and, after the bear was warmed, she’d then, carry it back into her bedroom, and stated, “the bear had already gotten the essence of the sun and the moon now, it’d become, an energy bear!”

Sometimes, when my daughter heads off abroad to travel or to perform, she’d lain her bear on her bed, pull the covers over her, told it, “You must behave yourself, and wait, for my return.”

What’s more classic was, when she’d started grad school, and was going to her orientation, she’d brought the bear with her to her dorm; and when she’d called home regularly, she’d told me of how the bear was doing; and, waited until the summer or winter vacations, she’d bring the bear home with her.

Being an only daughter is really lonely, but, with her bear accompanying her, as parents, we feel, better about her not having a sibling.

And so, this, is how FAR someone’s attachment objects can go, this young woman didn’t have ANY siblings, as she’s an only child, and so, she’d found herself an attachment object, in this case, a Teddy bear, to accompany her, now, I’m not saying, that having an attachment object is a bad thing, but, this, is just, going WAY too far here, in MY opinion, that is.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Family Dynamics, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Observations, Self-Images, Socialization, Values

The Father Who’d Called Using the Red Public Phone

Translated…

My father walked in the door, with a bad face, he’d kept that same expression, as my mother cussed him out, “We’re already very poor, and you’d squandered ALL your wages away at the whore house, and the bars?”

“Go, go, go, follow that DEADBEAT, no good father of yours out, see what he’d been doing?”  my mother, who’d working hard as a manual laborer, to keep the household of eight, must also track down her lazy husband, there’s NO way she’ll have anything nice to say, at age nine, I’d stealthily followed behind my father, feeling scared, passed through the dark and ghostly and haunted bamboo forests, my father stopped at the phone booth at the entrance of our village, placed a few coins in, and, the smiles started crawling up his face, that, was a kind of bliss I’d never seen at home.

If I could get on a time machine, I’d love to return to that day, get closer to my father, to see who he was talking to?  What are the difficulties in his life?  Because he’d lacked the money, he’d had to carry the bad name my mother gave to him, and, be disrespected by six of his kids, and getting sculpted, into a bad man, by my mother’s words daily.

And so, this, is a memory from the childhood years, the narrator saw how her parents fought like hell, and it surely must’ve affected her, and, she’d become a spy, by her mother’s orders, to keep an eye for her mother, on her father’s whereabouts.

Leave a comment

Filed under Cost of Living, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Properties of Life

She’d Murdered Her Own Mother, Gotten High on Drugs, in a Daze for Five Hours…Then, Turned Herself in, to the Police

From the Front Page Sections, a tragedy of a family, translated…

She was displeased at her mother’s words, “You had dragged me and your younger sister down with you”, after she’d murdered her mother, she’d told her younger sister, “You’re finally free”, her younger sister told, “We had a very unhappy childhood…”

A thirty-one year-old woman Pan in Kaohsiung, because she hadn’t gotten along with her own mother for long period of time, two afternoons, she’d bought a fruit knife, gone to her mother’s place, to confront her, Pan started stabbing her mother using the fruit knife twice on the right side of her mother’s neck, the fifty-three year-old mother died, had her throat slit.

After Pan had murdered her mother, she’d started using ketamine, and fell into a daze next to her mother’s corpse, and five hours later, she’d told her younger sister what she’d done, told her younger sister, “You’re now, delivered from pain”, and was accompanied by her sister, to turn herself in.  After the D.A.s interrogated her, they’d asked her to be taken into custody, which was approved.

The police investigated, that Pan had medical history of being diagnosed with bipolar, is currently unemployed, and got into a drug habit, lived with her mother, who has a mildly mental illness manual, also diagnosed with bipolar mother, and the two of them would argue a lot, over the smallest matters.  A week ago, after Pan had a verbal altercation with her mother, her mother kicked her out of the house, and changed the lock on the door, and so, Pan could only move in with her younger sister.

When the police interrogated her, Pan told them, that lately, her mother had come to her younger sister’s place to harass her, she’d gotten more and more furious, as she thought about it, two afternoons ago at five in the afternoon, she’d gone to the marketplace, bought a fruit knife, at close to six in the evening, she ran back to her mother’s house, after the mother opened the door, they’d started fighting again shortly; the mother just kept putting her down over, and over, and over, and cussed at her, “You are the one who was dragging both me and your younger sister down!”, in a moment of heated anger, she took out the knife, SLASHED her mother on the right side of her neck twice hard, her mother fell, and, blood came pouring out of her neck.

In the process of hacking up her own mother, she’d accidentally cut herself on the left side of her own palm, she’d dressed her own wound, and washed the knife off, sat on the chair next to her mother’s dead body, started using ketamine; she left, at around a little past ten in the evening, rode her motorcycle to her younger sister’s, she’d accompanied her mother’s corpse for almost five hours after she’d killed her.

The moment Pan saw her younger sister, she’d told her, “I’d saved you from your miseries!”, the sister became confused at what she meant, and, after she’d forced the truth out of her sister, she’d learned that her older sister had murdered her mother; after the younger sister consoled with her for an hour, Pan finally turned herself in to the police in the early morning hours.

The police investigated, that Pan had two prior records of domestic violence, four years ago, she’d injured her own mother with a knife, after the police were called, they’d reported the incident to the Department of Social Services; last year in September, Pan became verbally abusive toward her mother, the mother notified the police, but never got a restraining order.

The man in charge of the local borough said, that Pan’s parents were divorced when she was young, eleven years ago, her mother moved into the borough with her, and back then, Pan still had a job, but five years ago, she got fired, and took to drug abuse, and, that, was when everything started going south; because neither the mother and her had work, they’d lived off of the mother’s handicap payments by the government, as well as her younger sister’s support, and the two of them would often argue about money, and, every time when the mother was unhappy, she’d kicked her daughter out.

The police disclosed, that because Pan didn’t have any money, she’d often starved, in the first half of March, she’d once taken a knife, to rob a super convenience store, called, “I’m going to ROB you!”, begged the cashiers to call it in, because she wanted to be on the “free meal plans of jail”.

After the incident, Pan’s younger sister didn’t blame her, and, toward the inquiries of the outside, she’d started crying, told, that her mother had been emotionally unstable for long term, would kick the doors down, and use verbal insults on the two of them a lot, that they had a very unhappy childhood, “Nobody would kill her/his mother without reasons at all.”, this was all too painful, for her older sister too.

The coroner examined, that the cause of Pan’s mother’s death was from the loss of too much blood of the severing of her right carotid, as well as her windpipes.

And so, she finally CRACKED, and, this, is still a BUILD-UP over time, and, because the woman was high on drugs, she’d become impulsive, and, unable to judge her own behaviors, and this, could’ve been avoided, had someone STEP in earlier, but, it wasn’t, because this had gone on, for WAY too long, and this time, the woman finally CRACKED!!!

Leave a comment

Filed under Abandonment of Children, Cause & Effect, Cost of Living, Domestic Violence, Downward Spiral, Family Dynamics, Growing Up Too Fast, Hindsight, Issues of the Society, Knowing the Law and Breaking It, Lives Lost, Mental Health Issues, Murder, My Thoughts on Various Issues, News Stories, Observations, Rationalization, Social Awareness, Social Issues, White Picket Fence

Absorbing the Pains

This, is what those “sponges” do, isn’t it???

Absorbing the pains, this, is what we have the tendencies to do, after all, we’re all, drawn to the feelings of pains, and it still wouldn’t BE because we ENJOY torturing ourselves, oh no!

Absorbing the pains, we both had, it’s just, that you’d allowed your pains to consume you, to swallow you whole, to DROWN you, while I, I managed, to keep my head, above “water”, and survived.

Absorbing the pains, we all will, whether or not we like to, because that, is just how life goes, and, there’s NO way of changing the facts of how we will still be, absorbing the pains from our separate families of origins (and yes, they’re still the SOLE sources of OUR pains into the adulthood years too!).

Absorbing the pains, you won’t have to, because I will NOT allow for it (not even for you, Master!), because I had, absorbed ALL the pains of their former lives, and, it’d become burdensome, too heavy, for me to carry, but carried them, I still had, and it was still just, WAY too hard, growing up is the thing, and I will NEVER allow what had happened to me, to happen to you to, my dearly BELOVED, DEAD “daughter”………and no, she still doesn’t “exist”, not physically, at least.

Leave a comment

Filed under Childhood, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Early Exposures, Family Dynamics, Growing Up Too Fast, Interactions Shared with the World, Lessons, Life, Loss, Observations, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, White Picket Fence

The Emotional Slavery

Here, everybody IS “created equal”, as everybody has an equal chance, of getting sold!

The emotional slavery, I was once, sold into, and, I’d become, the slaves of both their emotions, and, I felt suffocated, and slowly, I’d died…

The emotional slavery, it was, truly, very hard, for me, to overcome, to rise above it all, but, I’d fought, for my freedom, real hard, and finally, I’d set myself free, and, their emotions have absolutely NO effects on me again.

The emotional slavery, it’s an awful thing, to be sold into, because you’d have to be put through, the trials of someone else’s bad emotions, and you’re NOT even allowed to feel, to express, your OWN emotions, because you were taught, that it, is unacceptable.

The emotional slavery, I wonder, HOW many children are still being sold into?  Countless, and, there’s no way, that I can possibly, rescue them all, and yeah, used to feel very guilty ‘bout it too, but now, after I’d read that book of my own fate, gained an understanding of life, I’m able, to not feel so strong about it, so, that’s a kind of growth in itself, huh???

The emotional slavery, ANY parent is capable, and probably will, SELL their offspring into, without even being aware of it, and, it’s still, ALL the parents’ faults, because NONE of us, children asked to be brought out, onto this GOD DAMN FUCKING (oopsy!!!) P-L-A-N-E-T…

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Family Dynamics, Growing Up Too Fast, Lives Lost, Messed Up Values, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Vicious Cycle