Category Archives: Perspectives

What? I’m Korean!

Finding out why, and, letting go of that feeling of being betrayed, realizing, that what the adults in your life did, was what they thought was, best for you, translated…

Ever since I could recall, I’d lived alone, with my mother in Korea, we’d never spent, a day apart. Later, I’d come to Taiwan to study, to marry, to have children, and settled down in Taipei, with my mother there, by my side. But, shortly after she passed, my former classmates from Korea sent me a weird news: there were, a couple of Koreans who were, desperately, searching for me, and claimed that they were, my relatives.

How’s that possible? Am I, zoomed in, by the international scam artists?

From before when there was only a small circle of Asians we’d associated ourselves with, there’s, that invisible sense of pride from being Chinese, that was, that sense of superiority of being Chinese, not wanting to be with the Koreans, we were, living, on someone else’s land, but felt, that they were, second class citizens. This weird belief, showed the most when someone is arguing with an Asian person, when we only needed to blurt out, “You looked like a Korean!”, it was, the biggest sort of insult to the individual, and, the person you’re arguing with will totally get outraged when you’d called them that.

korean children adopted 的圖片結果like this family???  Photo from online…

Growing up in this sort of an atmosphere, I’d only begged to pass the Korean language exams, and, every other course in high school, I’d made straight A’s, only Korean, I’d scored toward the bottom; and, my communication abilities was just enough, for me to use when I go shopping in the marketplaces.

When the Korean who’d come met me to show me he was related to me, he’d provided the adoption papers, and photos of me as a young child, mailed everything to me, and, all of those, “evidences” proved, that I was, a Korean, heads down!

Isn’t it outrageous, thinking that I was, Chinese all along, and then, I turned out to be, Korean? This was, the biggest kind of irony. I refused to admit that I was, Korean, I hated that classmate who’d, exposed me for who I was, and I’d, hated my birthmother, for giving me up for adoption.

After six months’ worth of struggles, my second eldest sister kept making those international calls to care for me, and, repeatedly, sent the presents to my husband and my two children, and my heart finally, started, to disarm itself, and finally agreed to, meet with them.

In the city of Suwon, I’d finally, met my five sisters and my younger brother. All these middle-aged uncles and aunts, as they’d, described of the hardship and trials they’d weathered through in life, I’d not heard a single word of complaint, their persistence, optimism, passion, comparing to my own prejudices, my aloofness, my dissatisfactions, made me so ashamed I wanted to find a hole to hide in.

What right had I, to hold my prejudices against Koreans? And, why can’t I understand, the pains and hardships my mother who’d carried me for ten whole months, and know how trying it must’ve been, for her, to give me up for adoption? Had it been not my birthfather’s death when he was way too young, had it not been my mother being too young, and needed to remarry, had it not been for my second eldest sister crying for one whole weeks at my adopted mother’s home, and got “returned”, and I got sent up for adoption, my fate would’ve been, so totally, different, how could I have gotten to live as an only child, cherished, sent to Taiwan for my college years, to become a teacher, to meet a good man, and marry and have children.

korean children adopted 的圖片結果or this???  Photo from online…

And now, both my mothers had passed, but the love they had for me, was enough, to last me, my whole life. Toward my birthmother, other than being grateful, there’s, that extra understanding; for my adoptive mother, other than, being grateful, there’s that sense of, missing her forever!

And so, it’s all due to fate, that this had, happened, and, back when you were a child, you may not understand WHY it was, that you were, given up for adoption, and perhaps, you’d carried the resentments toward your birthparents, for giving you up, and your adoptive parents, to keeping the truth from you, but, as you got older, and started your own family, you’d, realized, that given the situations of your past, all those adults did what they thought was, best for you, and, you’d become, grateful, for having everything that you have in life…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Adoption, Awareness, Because of Love, Childhood, Choices, Connections, Cost of Living, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Perspectives, Socialization, Things Left Behind, Values

Life Took a Sharp Turn

On changing tracks, not knowing, if you’d, made the right choices in life or not! Translated…

Life flew by too fast, it’d been six months, since my return back to Puli, this small town to live. The me a decade ago, or even, just two years ago, I’d never imagined a life like this for me.

Being on the rise through school and into the workforce, I’d entered into my first-choice schools locally, and entered into my top choices of university, after I graduated, I’d started working as an engineer in the well-known high-tech companies in Taipei. I’d worked very hard, and my abilities gotten the attention of the boss, in a few short years, I’d gotten promoted, and raises too. Back then, I’d imagined, that ten years later, I should be a high-end manager in the workforce, and would go on business trips to Europe and America often.

like this???the roadsigns of your life…

And now, I’d, walked with difficulties, with my pregnant belly, travelled on foot, delivering the goods that my clients ordered, and pondering, what I needed to update onto my website to sell when I arrived home.

A few years ago, I’d gotten married for a while, as my husband and I started thinking about when to have children, and how we’re going to take care of our kids after they were born. Both working as engineers in the high-tech companies, after subtracting the time for sleep away, there were only, about two hours in the late hours of the nights we can, save for ourselves. We didn’t want to be missing out on the coming of age of our young, so, a change in track was needed. And, something had, happened at home then, after careful considerations, we’d decided to quit our jobs, return back home, and my husband started working in the field, and I, started setting up my online shop.

Recalling how back when I’d just graduated from graduate school, my dad asked me if I wanted to take the public offices examinations. Back then, I was so satisfied with my own life, full of confidence, didn’t consider, that the life of a government office worker wouldn’t suit me well. But now, as my shop online just got set up, I’d had an unstable source of income, and I’d found those job openings in the areas of Puli, and I’d, wanted, to kick myself. After I’d left Taipei, Hsinchu, and Tainan, cities with the larger scale technology companies, it’s like, I’d, whited out my past work experiences. As I’d passed the post offices, along with Taipower offices, I couldn’t help but wondered, if I’d, only taken the government post exams.

查看來源圖片imagine how different life can turn out for you…photo from online…

At the age of thirty, for the sake of my family, my life took a sharp turn, and I can’t tell yet, whether if it’s going to be good or bad, but I believe, that so long as I carried the heart I’d had before, worked hard, I can totally, find a brand new direction in life again.

And so, this, is a huge life-changing situation you’re, faced with now, isn’t it? You’d quit your government job, to chase your dreams, so you can have more time with your young, to not miss out in their coming of age, and, although you’re, unsure of whether or not you’d, made the correct choices in life, your life knows where it’s, taking you.

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Filed under Because of Love, Changing Tracks, Connections, Cost of Living, Lessons, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, The Fate of a Woman, Things Left Behind, Translated Work, Values, Women's Issues

Being Different…

I’m like you all, my classmates, but, not exactly, I have a mom, who’s from a foreign world as opposed to the one I’m currently “staying in”…

When I first entered into class, I spoke the mainstream languages with a perfect tone, absolutely NO weird accents, but, the other kids, they’d still, made fun of me.

not my drawing.

I tried to fit in, tried to engage myself into their discussions, but, every time they saw me approaching, they’d all just, scattered and dissipate, as if, they’re avoiding me, like I’m the plague or something!  And, it’d, hurt.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being different, but, the feedbacks from my external environment seemed to prove otherwise.  I keep on, getting the signals, that I should be thankful, being different from everybody else, and yet, in my day-to-day interactions, that “theory”, it just, can’t seem to work out that well at all!

not my picture.

And now, after being casted away, singled out by my cohort, I’m starting to feel ashamed of my difference, and eventually, I’d become, so scared of being different, that I’d do anything, to blend in with the rest of the crowd………

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Filed under Awareness, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Bullying, Discriminations, Life, Perspectives, Violence in Schools

Watching You Leave, the Thoughts of a Mother

Translated…

On Sunday evening, my daughter with her huge backpack, is headed to her grandparents’ house, I’d sent her off by the door, and, nagged on how she’d not put her shoes on right, she’d mumbled back, “I’ll put it on properly in the elevator!”, I’d insisted that she was to, put her shoes on properly before she leaves, she’d, bent down, redid her laces with that unwillingness, and, I’d had, a few extra seconds, to stare at her.

Since a decade ago, my spouse’s name was stricken off my national identification card, I’d lost the days of accompanying her by the day, and only on the weekends, did we get time together to share. Every Friday evening, I’d, rushed off work, road across the city, to a kindergarten, to pick her up and, my daughter curled underneath the lamplight of the kindergarten, with her accompanying bunny, and, her eyes and smiles, turned into the stars in the skies the moment she saw me. Several years passed by, it’s now, that young woman who’d taken the MRT, the bus, to my place.

As the elevator headed downstairs slowly, I’d calculated the timing just right, went to the lanai to look, the red-topped bus slowly came close, and stopped, right underneath the bus stop; my daughter was sitting in it, her huge white backpack on her legs, with her eyes, staring up ahead, lips slightly curled upward. The autumn sun was eye catching, and, being able to travel on her own makes her excited.

Very long ago, I too, watched the bus as it sped off into the distance, imagined my own sunny and bright futures too, filled with a ton of dreams, embracing the impossibilities of life. back then, I’d never imagined, that in an unknown corner, there it was, my mother, with her tears, staring at the direction I left in.

And now, I’d become, an adolescent’s mother too, and, the once-a-week that we’d met, was what was left for me to take with in this richness of her youthfulness, but, became an aging life’s extravagance. The social media, the pop music, the trending novels, there is, no boundaries, in the world of a teenage girl, and all I could do, was smile by her side and accompany her, but I’d still, cherished the time we spent together.

not my photo…

I know, that one day, she will eventually own her own universe, write her own stories, and that I can’t, keep her all to myself. That mother was only a caretaker when she was younger, but not the one who’d owned her for this life, when she has the ability, to spread her wings and fly, or resting, on that tree on her own, she wouldn’t allow me to groom her, to smooth her feathers anymore, just as back then I’d left my own home too, although I’d bumped and fell, I’d never turned back toward my mother, and ask her to give me a hand.

And still, not butting into her life doesn’t mean that she’s not occupying my mind. After I’d lived alone for a bit, I read the words my mother wrote, “You will always be my child.”, no matter how bad life got, how awful living is, the mother will always recognize her own young; no matter how far you fly, the mother’s gazes will always be like that string connecting to the kite, glued, to the child’s body, hung there, not pulling the child down, close knit, but never broken off.

Right now, the bus my daughter rode is probably at the MRT station now. She’d, scanned her pass, and standing inside the trains, her feet, tapping to the music, reading through her book, an hour later, she will, arrive at her destination, happy, and safe and sound.

The thoughts of a mother, she’d watched her child come and go, from her place back to her husband’s home, and, she knew, that she needed to, let her daughter go, and the child is growing into a beautiful woman, and, she felt sad, because of how her daughter will eventually, spread her wings and fly, but that’s a part of what parents must face, because children WILL grow up, whether or NOT we want them to!!!

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Filed under Letting Go, Life, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Values

I’m Not a Porcelain Doll, the Reflections in the Doll Corner

This morning, the Porcelain climbed off that high shelf that her owner kept her on display, toward the floor, and, she stood there, in front of the mirror (b/c it’s a girl’s room, and ALL girls want to get dolled up, don’t they???), and, she’d looked at her self in the mirror, left, and right, like how a scientist is examining something s/he’d just, discovered…

I’m not a porcelain doll, Porcelain mumbled to herself, although I looked delicate, fragile, easily shattered, but, I have, a heart of a Raggedly Ann, you can SHAKE, toss me, and let me DROP to the floor, I still won’t BREAK!

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, the Porcelain decided, that she will NOT be fragile like she’d always been, she’d wanted her owner (a little girl???), to pick her up, and play with her without worrying about shattering her, and so, Porcelain started changing, metamorphosing, and, the little girl who’d owned her, hadn’t seen her, she’d, forgotten about the existence of this particular Porcelain she loved so much.

not my photo…

I’m not a porcelain doll, I won’t break if you shake me too hard, and, even if you tossed me high up in the air, and I come down, landing on my head, I still won’t CRACK wide open!

But, although Porcelain had, made up HER mind on not to break anymore, she still can’t change her physical self, and, surely enough, she’d, shattered, for the last and final time, and, we are all gathered here today, to MOURN the loss, of our dear friend, Porcelain, she was, a very good doll, she just can’t get satisfied, being WHAT and WHO she is, that, is why, she had “died”………

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Filed under Attitude, Expectations, Fate, Lessons, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Reality Clashes with Dreams, Story-Telling, The Doll Corner

The New Home for the Elderly

Observations made from life, translated…

Awhile ago, after I’d gone for my workout at the park, I’d taken a rest on the benches, the heated summer days, with that gentle breeze, an elderly couple was sitting there, in the resting place, I’d heard the elderly woman tell the elderly man, “Let’s go to the new place to check it out later.”, I think to myself, they must have a huge sum in retirement funds.

Sitting close to them, we’d started in conversations, as we talked, the “new home” that the elderly were talking about, were the dual burial place that they’re going to be sharing after they die.  They don’t have any children, just had each other, and, had made their future plans a very long time ago.  They said, that they’d go to their “new home” to clean it up every single week.

“If you don’t have worries far off, then, you have worries nearby.”  Being able to set up one’s own funeral arrangements beforehand, and so in love, that after death, wanting to be buried together, it’s really rare to see, it’s truly, moving.

And so, you can see how close these two elderly are to one another, to want to be buried together after death, and, it’s a good thought too, because they wanted to keep each other company, even after death, and, this, is a hard-to-come-by, once-in-a-lifetime, very deep, kind of love that these two elderly share.

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Filed under Expectations, Life, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

The Dangerous Thing About Trust…

It’s either make, or BREAK, and, when you BREAK, you REALLY, REALLY, R-E-A-L-L-Y DO B-R-E-A-K!

The dangerous thing about trust, is that if you’d placed your trust into the wrong people, then, you’d be, totally SCREWED, and, there’s ALSO that GOD DAMN problem of T-R-A-N-S-F-E-R-E-N-C-E (hello, hello, hello, Uncle Siggy, anyone???).

Trust is a dangerous thing, especially in this world, filled with a TON of SHIT, how do you know, WHO you can trust?  I mean, lookin’ ‘round here, you’ll see, ALL those GOD damn BUSINESSES that put people’s lives in danger, because they’d wanted to save up on the dollar, and, you ALSO have people, who are still ABUSING one another’s trust, everywhere.

The dangerous thing about trust, you can’t just, TRUST anybody, especially strangers, because you don’t KNOW what their intentions are, and, more often than not, their intentions are NEVER good!

So, what, do we do?  Do we, become skeptics, in the realms of trust?  Do we, still keep that faith, that people are naturally good, and, how, can we, make sure, that the environment won’t get to us, with ALL those bad news that are still currently, playing, playing, playing, AND replaying out there?

 

 

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Expectations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life