Tag Archives: Contemplating Divorce

Should I Get a Divorce When My Husband Has an Affair?

Marital difficulties here, a Q&A, translated…

Q: L whose marriage is in the MUCK wrote…

Having known her husband for seven years, married for ten, has a daughter and a son, Mrs. L wrote several letters describing how her marriage is sinking: when L was pregnant with her firstborn, her husband became addicted to porn sites, and was about to head off to a motel with an unknown woman, and was stopped dead in his tracks by L.

In the seven years’ time, disregarding L’s words, her husband used the accuse of getting closer to god, became a spokesperson of god, to help others resolve the issues in their lives; and ever since, he’d given less and less time to his families, and, the two of them are slowly drifting apart.

Last November, she’d found out that her husband had an affair with a married female coworker, not only did her husband NOT admit to wrongdoing, instead, he’d blamed her, for not making him happy, causing him to need to find someone else, believed that it was, ALL L’s fault.

During this time, a lot had happened, L told the female coworker’s husband that she was cheating on him, the husband started becoming verbally abusive, and stated that he wanted a divorce; and, L felt, that her husband had become possessed, since he “became” closer to god.

And now what was phasing L was that the in-laws hoped, that they wouldn’t divorce, for the sakes of their young children; but her husband said, that after they’d split, they will each take a child, but, both children wanted to live with L.  Although she has work, however, she’d feared, that after the divorce, her husband won’t pay her alimony, she won’t be able to keep her kids in school, although the counselor had suggested that L gave the custody rights to her husband, but L didn’t want to, and, everything became stagnant.

A My Opinion

I don’t believe, that L really wants a divorce.  In her letter, she talked of how much the Valentine’s Day present her husband gave to her meant so much, that it wasn’t that he went out of his way to buy it, but it was a gift from the company he has business with, and, she is also hesitant, because of the issues of her children.

L can first, think about what’s LEFT in her marriage, half a dinner roll?  Or, just some, breadcrumbs?  Meaning that she needed to figure out, HOW much there is, left in the marriage, WORTH her working hard over?  And, if working hard can really make her marriage improve?  And, what are both of their attitudes?  And their shared beliefs?

Based off of what I’d read, L’s husband is someone who does as he pleases, and, when he’d done wrong, he’d wanted her apologies, and, that, was NOT his first affair either, and clearly, he’d shown, a LACK of self-control, with a total LACK of disrespect for the marriage.  But L must think thoroughly, is she was willing to give her husband another chance?  Or to get divorce, so she could have a brand new life?  If you continue to engage in the silent treatments, you’ll only end up, draining yourselves dry.

And so, for the sakes of her children, and the words of her in-laws, this woman was STUMPED on whether or not she should divorce the husband who cheated on her, and, apparently this woman CARED a LOT about the marriage, and yet, her husband’s behaviors had let her down, time, and time again, and, this, is clear to see, from an outsider’s angle, but, because this woman is involved in the play of things, that, was why she couldn’t see the truth, that, is why she felt troubled…

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Filed under Abusing Someone's Trust, Awareness, Bad Behaviors, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Choices, Cost of Living, Decision-Making, Despair, Divorces, Infidelities/Being Unfaithful, Letting Go, Life, Observations, Obstacles in a Relationship, Perspectives, Unrequited Love, Wake Up Calls, Women's Issues

Why Couldn’t She Care For Her Own Mother & Older Sister Back Home?

Because we’re already married, and, it’s NO longer our responsibilities to, but we’re still asked to, because we are, daughters!!!  A Q&A, translated…

Mr. C felt taken for his good friend, Madam A’s situation…

The sixty-year-old Madam A since she retired from a teaching post in a public school, she’d gotten the monthly retirement pensions.  Her eighty-five year-old elderly demented mother who had a stroke was left in the care of her never-married, eldest sister, who’d helped put A through her schooling to handle.  But now, her eldest sister is getting older too, and was without a job, and could no longer care for their mother.  A was grateful toward her older sister for her kindness, and thought, that the caretaking of the mother, they should shoulder together, and so, asked her husband if she could use a part of her monthly retirement pension, to put into helping her eldest sister and mother, but, the husband was strong and forceful in denying her the rights, and, put strict restrictions on her accounts.

Later on, A couldn’t put up with how her husband had insulted her own families, left her own home, and, used the money she’d earned to help make the ends of her, her eldest sister, and her mother’s livelihoods meet, but the husband said horrible things about her endlessly.  A wanted to divorce, but she couldn’t abandon her only daughter who is living and working overseas, what, is she to do?

A My Advice…

All the earnings that A brings in, was allotted by her husband, and, the husband treated his own family of origin with generosity, but, his in-laws with stingy, he’d used double-standards.  Her husband had put up the money for his own younger brother during the holidays for a very long time, and even covered the expenses of his trips abroad, and A had never said anything about it.

Four years ago, when A’s mother had surgery on her uterus, she’d put up the medical bills of $50,000N.T. herself, back then, her husband was abroad, and, he’d thrown a FIT after he’d returned, claimed that when his mother-in-law sells the house, he will get the medical expenses back.  And now, her mother became demented and had a stroke, her husband had used even harsher words, “Your mother and eldest sister are the TUMORS of our marriage!  BAGGAGE!”

This never-ending insult, caused A to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, she’d wanted divorced, but worried about the effects it would have on her grown daughter, she couldn’t make up her mind about it.

If A really wanted to divorce, her grown daughter is not the issue here, the important thing is, is there nothing left between her and her spouse.  A must make up her mind, and, making up her mind is: collect the evidence, find an attorney, to protect her own assets, to NOT end up with nothing in old age, after working hard her whole life.

And, I’d imagined that this is still a build up, the husband’s behavior toward her side of the family, and maybe, because the husband was NOT a direct member of her family, meaning that he didn’t HAVE a parent with dementia, or siblings that needed the economic supports, that, was why he was not at all understanding to his own wife’s doing things the way she’d done, and, the money she’d earned, was her, what RIGHT has her husband, to put it into a joint account?  And plus, the husband covers for his own younger brother’s living expenses, even travel fees too, so that, is double-standards that this LOSER is holding!

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Should Have Divorced But Didn’t, What Should She Do Now?

In need of expert opinion here, a Q&A, translated…

Madam C wrote…

Married for thirty-two years, the fifty-seven year old working woman, Madam C, she’d had a bad marriage from the start, she’d gone through not getting along well with the daughters-in-law of her husband’s side of the family, her husband’s attempted rape of her two daughters, domestic violence, etc., etc., etc.  When her daughters needed her, she’d put her life on the line for them, but, because of economics, along with other considerations, C told her daughters to put up with the bad marriage.  And now, because of their father’s brute verbal abuse, not only are the two daughters unable to return to their family of origin; the couple was on the verge of breaking up, because C turned her husband down for having sex with her, using menopause as her reason, the husband claimed that he’ll see someone else for the sex that he needed.

Awhile ago, Madam C used the opportunity of them fighting, and brought up the subject of divorce, and now, she’s hesitant, not knowing what to do.

A My Advice

C’s two daughters, for a very long time, because of their father’s sexual molestations and attempted rape (the eldest screamed and managed to get away, and C found out); along with long-term physical, verbal abuses, shaming, throwing things when he got angry, the adults fought nonstop, along with using the kids as scapegoats.  The eldest who was in a gifted and talented class, because of this, her grades dropped, in her community college years, she’d retaken all the courses, after she graduated, she’d left her books and left home, and met a boyfriend who works in the technology industry, who’s not really focused on working at all.  Because they wanted to marry, they’d gone home to see her parents, and was kicked out by the father.  They didn’t break up, but ever since, they’d fought endlessly, and she got beaten up too, the daughter went to get examined, and had abortions three times, then, she’d had a pregnancy outside of her uterus, and, several years later, their relationship had finally ended.  And now, she’d become a lesbian, and moved in with her girlfriend, and had found a stable job too, and would give C $2,000N.T. for allowance each and every month.

The second daughter fell in love with someone she met while she served in the army, and got married because they were having a baby, and, when the man’s parents came to C’s house, C’s husband refused to show his face, and finally gone to the wedding after C had consoled with him again and again.  When the daughter wanted to the month of recuperation after birth at home, her husband was strictly against it too, and, the second daughter fell out with her father too.

A house had been torn to so many pieces, and now, they’re finally getting a divorce.  On the matter of divorce, only the person involved has the right to decide.  The divorce that should’ve happened but didn’t twenty some odd years ago, the children must have gotten hurt in the parents’ endless arguments and violence.  You should’ve gotten a divorce back then but didn’t, and now, your daughters all left home, C probably no longer worried about the economics now.  Whether or not to divorce, is a divorce even possible, does she want a divorce, it’s all up to her, nobody can make that decision FOR her.

And so, this, is a bad case of putting up with her husband’s abuse for too long, and, in the process, her daughters got damaged, and, this woman’s family is finally, fallen apart, and, nobody IS able to tell her which way she should go, after all, it’s her life, her choice, she didn’t get divorced when the abuse started, and now, she’d stumped on what to do.

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