Category Archives: Moods, Emotions, & Feelings

Hearts Have Turned into Stone

Hearts have turned into stones, did they all, gaze upon, the head of Medusa?  Hearts that have turned into stones, what happened, to them, why were they all, petrified, frozen, in FEAR, did they all, go through something, unimaginable, to the human mind?

Hearts have turned into stone, and, there’s, NOTHING we can do about it, there’s NO way, of melting them again, because they’re all, solid now, and, putting them all through the sauna of ice and fire, still wouldn’t do ANY good at all!

Hearts have turned into stones, so, what do we do now?  Is there no way, we can, bring them all back again, NOT even by that first true love’s kiss?  Hearts have turned into stone, because of everything that they’d weathered, and, turning into stone became the ONLY methods that those hearts knew of, to protecting themselves, from getting hurt all over again, and so, turning to stone, they all will.

Hearts have turned into stone, there’s NOTHING we can do, but to, place them all, inside those ironclad boxes, then, bury them deep, into the grounds, without hoping, OR expecting, that one day, they will all, WAKE back up, or come to life once more…

Hearts have turned into stone, perhaps, it’s, all for the best, because at least, a heart that’s made of stone won’t bleed again, right???

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Filed under Awareness, Behavior Modifications, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Downward Spiral, Loss, Mental Health Issues, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Observations

The Consequences of Your Goodbye

You DO realize, that goodbye have consequences, right???  Well, I’m living with, the consequences of your goodbye right now!

The consequences of your goodbye, it’d left me, heartbroken, I didn’t expect you to turn into one of my lost loves, but you had, and, when the Magic Wand was waved, and the spells said, everything shattered for me.

The consequences of your goodbye, too hard, to handle, I can’t cope, I feel the need, to find a hole somewhere, so I can crawl into it, and D-I-E, you’d left me, broken, and I don’t even know how, to start, picking up all those pieces, without getting cuts and gnashes on my hands.

The consequences of your goodbye, I’d weathered through it all, thought I would die, but, I was actually, STRONGER than I’d ever expected, cried too hard is the thing, gotten over you, bit by bit, little, by little, a day, at a time.

And now, after I’d weathered through, your goodbye (and there was still NOTHING good ‘bout it!), I know, that I’m stronger than before, and I’m glad, that you’d broken my heart!  And no, I’m still NOT P-S-Y-C-H-O here, ‘k???

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Filed under Being Exposed, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Healing Process, Lessons, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Obstacles in a Relationship

After I Lost Him

After I lost him, I didn’t know what to do, I’d hollered out his name in pain, and, no one answered…After I lost him, I sank down, into that state of depression…

After I lost him, I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t deal, I was, beside myself, I felt stuck, and, I don’t know why.  After I lost him, I was, so lost, I’d lived my life, with him, as my center, my focus, and, all of a sudden, he’s, NO more!

After I lost him, I went on search, for my lost soul, and, I’d looked, long, AND hard, for the part of me that got lost with losing him.  After I lost him, I was sad, for, a very long time, and I just couldn’t, get out of that hole called depression, and, yet, the harder I dug, the deeper I’d sunk.

After I lost him, there was just, this shadow, that stayed, overcast, atop my head, and, no matter how hard I’d tried, I just, couldn’t, SHAKE it all away………

 

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Filed under Being Alone, Being Exposed, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings

Standing Idle, at the Intersection of Grief & Loss

I’m just waiting, for all of those “feelings”, to catch up to me…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, still waiting, waiting, to feel something, ANYTHING at all!  I’d waited, and waited, until the lights turned green…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I found myself, statuesque, unable to move, I’m too, petrified, to even move, an inch farther.  Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m still waiting, for either loss, or grief, to kick me on my behind.

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I don’t know what to do, I’m beside myself now, I’m too, overwhelmed, with all these awful emotions I want to run away from, but, I couldn’t, because, I knew, that they will eventually, catch up to me, and, there is, NO place, for me to run!

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m crying now, so very hard, I lost, ALL of my strengths, crying my eyes out, and, there’s no way, I can defend against, this influx of negative emotions…

Standing idle, at the intersection of grief and loss, I’m waiting, for either to catch on to me, but, I looked left, AND then, I looked right, there IS no sight, of either one of them, perhaps, they’d ditched me completely???

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Healing Process, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings

The Complete Single Day, Life as a Single Parent

Translated…

I’d been a single mother for five years, my son went with his father, and I have custody over my daughter.  After I’d had several honest to heart conversations with both our parents, as well as my children’s father, my ex-husband finally agreed, mid last year, that the older brother and younger sister could have four days out of the month to spend together.  And so, the very last weekend of the month, my daughter would head over to her father’s, and, these two days became my “single days”.

I’d gotten used to life with my daughter by my side, and, suddenly, from Friday evenings to Sunday evenings, I no longer had her company, her voice no longer resonated through the house, the bed became so spacious, it was, really hard, for me to adapt, I’d missed her so.  In order, to keep myself from missing her too much, I’d headed over to the office on Saturdays to work, buried myself in work; and on Sundays, I’d slept in, and take my leisure breakfasts, then, headed out, to ride, to hike, or to meet up with my friends.  And, all of a sudden, it came time, to pick my daughter up again.

During the two days my daughter was away, it was like an early onset of my empty nest, at first, I had troubles, filling up this void, but now, I’d gotten used to it.  And, life is just like so, when there came varied situations, we must all, make adjustments, to work, to transfer our attention elsewhere.

Recently I’d read the activities of the volunteers on the United Daily News, I’m going to sign up as a volunteer too.  I believe, that when my empty nest comes, or when I’m about to retire, I can already live this life I’d already planned out well.

So, your daughter going to spend the weekend with her father became your trial-run for your own empty nest, and, it is important, to have multiple hobbies, established, WAY before you’re retiring, or your empty nests really actually HIT you, because if you’d waited until then, to start planning it, well, it’ll be, too late then.

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Filed under Being Alone, Divorces, Empty Nest, Issues on Gender, Loneliness/Solitude, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Observations, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Women's Issues

The Side Effects of Love

Found online, translated…

You realized, the most painful part about being single again is not that you’re all alone on your own, it’s that you used to be with someone else.

You had been involved in romances that gives you no worries, very easy, and simple too, the two of you always had a ton that you two can talk about, and, would spend every single minute together, and, when the two of you had nothing to do together, you’d find ways, to chase away the boredom.  There is NO limitless time, there’s just unfinished businesses.  Back then, the two of you didn’t have goals, but together, the two of you traveled, a very long way, and you could still feel the heat from his right palm on your left palm, his hand, faced down, yours, faced up, as if, he was, protecting you.  You’d found tracks of the two of you together, all over this city, gone to the wholesales place on Mondays, dined at the small restaurant on Wednesdays, and on Fridays, you two would hold hands, and go window shopping together, then, on the weekends, you two would go see a movie together, any film will do.  There’s this stability and this routine to the life the two of you shared, but, that, was the very first time you’d beheld the future in your embrace.

Back then, even if you’d cried, the tears would evaporate, before they hit the ground, there’s no side effects to love at all.

Later on, you’d gone back to, just being you.  It wasn’t some hard-hitting break up at all, the two of you parted, quite amicably, even shared one last hug together too.  The two of you made a pact, to always care for one another like friends, to live in one another’s lives for another three, to five more years.  From before, you didn’t believe in the saying of affinity or fate, but then, you’d come to the realizations that there IS a set lifespan to all the relationships, just like humans, and all you can do, was to work really hard, without ANY guarantees.  You had, matured in love, but sometimes, love just can’t seem to get quite caught up to your tempos.  Love took on a life of its own, you’re over that, but, you still can’t help, but feel bad about it being done with.

You’d once again, returned back to the infancy stages, you’d used the strengths you’d gained from the love, to take good care of yourself, shopped for groceries alone, gone to dine out alone, and on the weekends, you’d stayed in, to spend more time with yourself.  But, something just, wasn’t quite the same, like how that set of keys you’d exchanged with him, like there’s a part of you, that you will never, get back again.  You had started, hearing your own heart beats ringing so loud in your own ears, and, with the elongation of the time of you, being single, the sound got louder, and you just can’t, shake it all off now, slowly, suffocating you.  You thought, that this, was the effects of loneliness.

But then, you’d discovered, that you’re in misery, not because you’re single again, but because of how you keep remembering the wonderful things you’d experienced in love.  Your memories, and your bodies too, still recalled those moments of feeling amazing, they’d held on tight, refused, to let it go.  You’re not afraid of lonely, but instead, fearing that you will NEVER feel that way again.  And so, every night, in the late hours when you’re still awake, you’d feel panicky, you feel like you’re slowly, drowned by these waves, of loneliness.

And that, was when you realized, that the after effect of love was, fear.

That relationship had taught you, how to get along with yourself, but it didn’t tell you, how to readjust to a life, after love was over.  And, it’s because you’d loved once, you’d also learned fear too.  But at the same time, you knew too well, that the amazing things that came with love, wouldn’t dissipate, with this fear of love you felt, because the sole source of your pain was from fear, not loss.

And so, you’d finally, come to the understanding, that you were, merely, having an allergic reaction to love.  But that warmth you’d felt over that lost love will eventually fade away, just like you’d wake up, in the winter mornings, and sneezed, and know, that you’d healed up, properly and completely, then you will, find someone new, to share the next winter with.

Then, you’d come to understand, that all of this, is a part of love, holding one another tight when you two were still together, but learning to smile again, after love is over.

And so, you’d finally, healed, and, it still wasn’t easy, you’d gone through the changes, from having someone to stay with you, to show you support and love, to have NOBODY, and slowly, you will, gain that lost sense of who you are back, and stop defining yourselves in terms of the other person, and, that, is how, you will, get through this winter of break up…

 

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Filed under Being Alone, Expectations, Lessons, Loneliness/Solitude, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Relationship

Ignoring These Cries of Pains

Ignoring these cries of pains, because I didn’t know how to cope with them, because each scream cuts into my heart so deep, made my heart wrench, and I just, can’t handle it!

Ignoring these cries of pain, it’d become easy for me now, because I’d been doing it, so god DAMN FUCKING (and your point being???) long.  Ignoring these cries of pains, I’d done, for too long it’d become second nature to me now.  Ignoring these cries of pain, I will, until they’d become too loud, like cymbals, clashing into my eardrums.

Ignoring these cries of pain, I don’t think I’ll be able to, they’re just, screeching, too loudly now.  They’d grown louder, louder, and louder still, needing my attention, but, the louder that they’d become, the more I’d wanted to, IGNORE, but I just couldn’t, because they’d become this huge cacophonous disturbance to my life.

Ignoring these cries of pain, you had, and now that I’d cried, ALL out, it’ll be, your turns, to START screaming, so, S-C-R-E-A-M for me, why don’t ya!!!

Ignoring these cries of pain, I no longer can, because they’d grown too loud, because I’d not given them the attention they needed, and kept my ostrich head buried in the sand, and look where it’d gotten me?

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Filed under Being Alone, Being Exposed, Coping Mechanisms, Early Exposures, Excuses, Lessons, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Re-Experiencing the Trauma

They Cut You Out of Me

 

They cut you out of me, without MY consents, and, although I was under anesthesia, I still felt it, when they CUT you out of me, and now, I’m living, with the memories of you, who’d become a ghost, that haunts this empty space inside of my body and mind…

They cut you out of me, prevented me from holding you in my arms, they’d violated my privacy, and disregarded my right as a human being too.  They cut you out of me, and, didn’t even allow me to hold you, they just, took you away from me, because they believe that I was too young, to be able, to be a good mother, but, how would they know, that I wouldn’t be fitting enough, to take care of you?

They cut you out of me, and, although the knife wounds had healed completely, I’d still sometimes feel that emptiness, that void, that hollowness, where you used to be.  They cut you out of me, and it’d still hurt, from time to time, because I can still feel you, kicking me…

They cut you out of me, and told me, to GET over it, but, how can I?  When I’d lost my baby, because that LOSER boyfriend of mine was simply, WAY too immature, way too unready, to take on the responsibilities of being a father?  How can I get over, the loss, of my own flesh-and-blood???  I can’t, and I won’t!

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Filed under Abusing Someone's Trust, Awareness, Innocence Lost, Lives Lost, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life, Right to Life, Women's Issues

Letting Myself Get Lost in Your Eyes

Uh, MY M-I-S-T-A-K-E!!!

Letting myself get lost in your eyes, I know I shouldn’t have, but I did, and now, I’m paying this NEVER-ENDING high P-R-I-C-E…

Letting myself get lost in your eyes, why, oh why, did I do that?  Because I’m still deeply in love with the feelings of loving you, perhaps?  And so, how, do I de-tox myself, to get myself off of getting addicted to you?

Letting myself get lost in your eyes, I’d done, so many times, and each and every time afterwards, I’d regretted deeply my decisions of so doing, and I’d kept, beating myself up over it, and yet, each and every single time following, I’d still allowed myself, to get lost in your eyes.

Letting myself get lost in your eyes, I can’t help it, your eyes have this intoxicating feel to them, and they draw me in, and, once I’m drawn, it’s over, because then, I’d become a prey, in the black widows web, no matter how hard I struggled, I simply, can’t break free…

Letting myself get lost in your eyes, I wish I could stop myself from so doing, but, you still have so much power over me, and, there’s nothing I can do, but to fall, deeper, deeper, and deeper still.

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cost of Living, Excuses, Lessons, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life

Bearing Witness to the Pains

This, was what was imposed onto me, I was forced, to watch someone else, suffer in pain, and, you know, how hard it would be, for an EMPATH like me, don’t you???

Bearing witness to the pains, it’s as if, I’m experiencing the pains myself, it’s excruciating, and, it feels like, my breaths are, taken from my lungs, I’m slowly, suffocating here.

Bearing witness to the pains, it was, so hard, for me, to watch you suffer, and yet, there’s just, NOTHING I can do, to help you feel better, because some lessons, you just need to learn them, the HARD way, and, although I wanted to help you alleviate the pains of your life, I can’t.

Bearing witness to the pains, because I have to, because that, is my job, to take a note, of the pains, experienced by the people of the world, to make sense, to make meaning of them, that, is my role………

Bearing witness to the pains, I always and forever will, and, although I will feel other people’s pains like they were my own, but hey, I’d found me, an outlet, and, these, are the words, that came out of those experiences that someone else was going through.

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization