Category Archives: Healing Process

Depression, a Long, Hard Climb Upward

 

 

So, this, is where you’d found yourselves, climbing up, this never-ending slope called depression, and, along the way to the top, you’d met with, avalanches, snowstorms, rain, sleets, along with an ASSORTMENT of obstacles.

Depression, a long, hard climb upward, this, was the journey you’re destined to be on, because you’d slipped, tripped and fallen, into the troughs, and now, you’re battling, to get yourselves, BACK on your feet once more, and, on the way, of finally getting yourselves back up, you’d gotten hit, over, over, and over again, had relapses, after relapses, you’d gone into therapy, but, there’s only so much, that that dude or woman with the halo of the doctorate can do FOR you.

Depression, a long, hard climb upward, and, it’s a constant battle for you, because you don’t know, when, you will, trip, and fall flat on your faces, and start from the very beginning again, and, each fall became harder to recover from than the last…

Depression, a long, hard climb upward, you know there’s light in the future, at the top of that impossibly tall mountain, and, you’re, trying, so very hard, to keep your gazes upward, looking for the hope, but, the skies had become, darkened all around you, and, you’re having a hard time, seeing the light.

Depression, a long, hard climb upward, will you ever be through, to the very top, and get CURED?  Nobody knows, and, only time can and will tell, but, time is NOT squealing what it knows about your future already, so, you’re basically, STUCK here, down in the troughs.

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Filed under Behavior Modifications, Being Exposed, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Despair, Downward Spiral, Expectations, Healing Process, Observations, Properties of Life, Socialization, Vicious Cycle

Time Washe Away My Sense of Loss

Time became like the tides, and, with the passing of each and every second, it’d slowly, taken, my sense of loss, bits, and pieces of it, away…

Time washed away my sense of loss, and, I’m still not completely healed back up yet, and, I just have to, give it more time, until that scab flakes off all on its own, and, underneath will be, a brand new layer of newly grown-in skin!

Time washed away my sense of loss, and, it’s been too GOD damn long, since I can finally breathe, and now, I’m breathing, easily, without you, or memories of you, suffocating me.

Time washed away my senses of loss, but it still couldn’t erase the FACT, that I had, suffered a TON of losses in my life already, but, eventually, everything fades out, and it finally had for me.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Healing Process, Life, Loss, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Thankful for Cancer, Teaching Me to Take Life Slower

Instead of asking WHY me, this woman found another, more positive way, of dealing with her diagnosis, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

The wife of the mayor of the city of Taipei, also a well-known pediatrician at Taipei United Hospital, Chen, with the nickname of “Hard-Ass Wife”.  But, she also has a fragile side to her personality, the subjects of Ke, her husband, and adenocarcinoma of the lungs, are the two subjects that would make her cry.  Chen said, that when she was first diagnosed, she was very upset, but later, she’d started, feeling, gratitude toward her diagnosis, because that, was her body, reminding her, “It’s time, to change your lifestyle.”

In the past, lung cancer had been the top cause of death of the citizens in Taiwan, Chen, who’d always seen herself as very healthy, couldn’t escape it, in her new book, “The Nine Major Forces of the Medical Realm: You CAN Prevent Cancer”, she’d stated what she’d gone through, battling it out with her cancer successfully.

At the beginning, Chen was able to found that she had adenocarcinoma of the lung in a routine health check-up, back in 2011, in February, the doctors found that there was a 0.7 centimeter large white dot in her right lung.  She’d thought, “the average age of women getting diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lungs is sixty, I’m just in my fifties, is it, possible?”, because she’d treated her patients in the pediatric department from before, she’d gotten her immune system active, and, there wasn’t this cancer in her family history, she doesn’t smoke, doesn’t live in the industrial areas, and, her occupation doesn’t make her high risk for developing it either, and, she’s a mismatch with the normal causes of adenocarcinoma of the lungs.  Her husband, Ke, who’d taken her X-rays to a coworker of his at NTU Hospital, and, the person took one look, told him, “It’s adenocarcinoma of the lungs”.

“Because I was only in stage one, I was originally struggling, don’t know if I needed the surgery this soon?”  Chen was battling inside back then, actually, she’d feared the side effects from her surgery, and not the surgery itself, after all, she still has three children at home, that she’s worried about.  But, in the persistence of her husband, Ke, the very next month, Chen had her lungs removed partially.

During the days when she was in recovery, Chen described, “My husband had never said anything sweet to me before, but, behind all of it, I can feel his care and concerns toward me.”  The children too, became more well-behaved as well, the accompaniment of her husband and her kids became the strength that she carried, in fighting her illness.

After Chen was discharged from the hospital, she’d started changing her lifestyle, she’d speculated, that the onset of her cancer may have been brought on by the stresses in her life.  In the past, she’d burned on both ends at work and in the family, she’d often skipped breakfasts, lunches too.  After she’d fallen ill, she’d taken the “upside down triangle approach” to eating her meals, with a very fulfilling breakfast; if she got too busy for lunch, then, she’d buy some soup, with salad and fruits; in the evenings, she’d gone home, and made brown rice, plus some vegetable dishes.

Chen also learned to slow her pace down a bit, added more exercise to her living routines, like she’d often gotten off at earlier stops, to walk for a short bit, to get to the hospital where she’d worked.  Walking, is what she took to be the simplest kind, the longest lasting workout routine she could do, she walked somewhat fast, to the point where she’d felt slightly out of breath.  But, she’d reminded others, that the air in the cities are still very polluted, “You must put on masks, and don’t think that it wouldn’t make you look pretty, and just not do it”, and, even as she’d cooked at home, she’d also worn her mask.

And so, the woman learned, from her cancer, that she’d needed to change her lifestyle, and the cancer WAS a wakeup call for her, to remind her, to CHANGE her lifestyle, or else, and, gladly, she’d paid attention to the signs that her body was showing to her, and, she’d made changes in her life.

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Filed under Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Healing Process, Lessons, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life

The Healing Properties of Reading, Between a Husband & a Wife

Translated…

Since I was growing up, I’d disliked reading, but, I’d married a husband who loved it.  He’d often told me, “Read more, through books, you can, increase your knowledge on the inside.”  Even so, I’d still treated his words of advice as wind through my ears.

Until two years ago, my mother died so suddenly, I was, heartbroken, and started, fearing how fast life can change.  My sorrows got trapped, in the grief from the loss of my mother, couldn’t find a way out, I felt I was slowly, suffocating.  My friends and families offered me words of encouragements and hope, but I was still, in a great deal of pain.

At which time, my husband handed me the book, “Tuesdays with Morrie”, he said, “find the time to read it, it may help you out.”

After I’d read, he’d discussed the book with me, and, told me his opinions, on the questions I’d thumbed across while reading.  From time to time, he’d highlighted the sections, told me, “Read these couple of pages again, think about it in depth!”

And, just like so, we’d held discussions over the Tibetan Book of Life & Death, the Simple Answers to the Hard Questions in Life, along with other volumes, regarding the philosophies of life.  Through these books, I’d slowly, walked out of this darkness period of my own life, and started seeing the sun once more.

In the past, I’d felt, hey, I’m out of school now, why bother reading again?  And, even IF I did read, it was just to flip through the magazines.  And now, I’d felt the enormous support and power from reading, every night after supper, I’d made myself a cup of coffee, and, my husband and I would take up a corner of the desk each, and, enjoyed the joys that reading brings quietly, this, was one of the most blessed moment of my entire day.

And so, through reading, you’d found healing, because, you can connect with the stories that those books have to offer, and, through reading, you’d slowly, walked out of the loss from your own loved ones, and, that still just shows, how vital a role reading place in someone’s life…

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Filed under Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Healing Process, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Socialization

This Stillborn Child I’d Carried, for So Long

This stillborn child, I’d carried, for so long, I’m thinkin’, that maybe, it’s time, that I’d, let her go, but, how can I?  When I keep thinkin’ ‘bout how old she should be right now, versus how DEAD she actually is!

The stillborn child I’d carried, for so long, she’s affecting me, preventing me from, getting ON with the rest of my life, and, I’d mourned for her a very long time too, and, I don’t know why, but I’m not quite done yet, I think…

The stillborn child I’d carried, for so long, she will, keep on, STAYING DEAD, because I say so, because, I will NEVER allow WHAT happened to me in childhood, to happen to HER too, and, although she’d become, NONEXISTENT (when in TRUTH, she should’ve turned SIX this month!!!) in this world, sometimes, late at night, when the world’s fast asleep, I’d still get reminded, of this kid, that’d become, NOTHING more than a fantasy, a wonderful dream, that I was FORCED, to wake up from…

The stillborn child I’d carried, and NO, NOBODY will EVER “meet” her, because NO doctors or nurses will EVER bring her in, and, show her, to the REST of the world, because it’s MY responsibilities, to PREVENT what had happened to me in childhood, TO happen to her too, and, I still don’t CARE if that makes me an “unfit” mother, I KNOW I’m MORE fitting a MOTHER, than my own mother here!

And, those of you wondering: the Queen (moi!!!) is still NOT tearin’ up right now, and, believe it or don’t, do I really care???  Uh, let me think (thinking…thinking…still thinking…): HECK NO!!!

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Filed under Because of Love, Being Exposed, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Healing Process, Letting Go, Loss, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Women's Issues

Outside the Lines of the Sheet Music Pages

How music had had an impact on someone’s life, translated…

The year I turned nineteen, I’d conquered the musical notes, with the strength of conquering Mt. Everest, because of my older cousin who was studying in N.T.U., I’d had another level of understanding of it…

The Musical Adventures of My Childhood Years

At age six, the group of us in kindergarten hopped scotch, but instead, I’d stayed indoors, and treated the black and white keys, as well as the lined sheet music as my toys instead.

With the years of taking lessons increased, I’m like a young calf, no longer just satisfied by the pastures I was grazing on anymore, wanted to run even farther off, to find another possibility for myself.  And so, other than the practice classical pieces that my instructor had assigned to me, I’d started trying out those more upbeat music, started with the sonatas to new classics, and the pieces played by Richard Clayderman, all became my practice pieces.

And still, the result of my childish adventures are half and half.  What I gained the most about this period of experimentation was, that I’d opened up a door for myself toward popular music, when I was in the fourth grade, the Chinese romance writer’s books were televised into primetime soap operas, I’d hummed the theme song, and written down the notes of the music, and a lot of my classmates had asked me for the copies of the sheet music I’d written out, and I’d met more good friends.  What was worse, was that I’d gotten too intrigued by the flowery ways of playing the music, it’d made my hand a bit deformed, I now have, a pair of large hands that weren’t in the right ratio with my body, and, my classmates always joked on how I got a pair of farmer’s hands.

On the year I’d turned nineteen, my understanding of music was taken to a brand new level, because of my older cousin who studied in N.T.U.

My cousin is the only son, from an all-star middle school, to the most famous, all-boys high school, all the way to National Taiwan University, he’d had a smooth ride to the top academically, plus my uncle and aunt are both in high-up positions in their work, he’d had a good life.  But, when he was in his last year of high school, my uncle died by accident, and when he was a sophomore in university, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer, and she’d passed away too, in just no more than two short years, he’d lost both his parents, it was hitting him even harder, made him, who wasn’t at all, that social, even MORE isolated.  At which time, I was just, coming up north for school, I was just one year younger than he was, and, in the urging and begging of my relatives, I’d become, his roommate.

We’d taken up tennis lessons together, learned to ride motorcycles, and, go to church every once in a while, because his professor and his wife knew what had happened in the family, hoped that he could get involved, and become more social again, in order to show gratitude toward his professor, whenever we got the time, we’d gone to the church activities.  Naturally it wasn’t, at all, always smooth going, as his roommate either, for instance, if I’d not placed something in its rightful place, he’d started lecturing me, and, I’d rebutted, by cranking up the music even louder.

Writing the Emotions that Nobody Knows About Using the Notes

After a semester, my cousin went from locking his bedroom doors completely to having his doors half-opened.  One night, I’d carried some midnight snacks home, he, who was somewhat anal asked me, “Do you want to come into my room to hear some music?”, that’s real odd, the room that the cleaning lady couldn’t even enter into, I’d get an invitation?  Without a second word, I’d carried the stewed meats in one hand, drinks in the other, ran into his room, found me a seat, and started, chowing down.

As we’d eaten, and talked, I’d realized, that the radio was playing the same song over and over, the singer had a full voice, and her tone’s quality made the melody feel even lonelier.  “What’s this song called?  Nobody Knows?”  “You’ve heard it?  The singer, Tony Rich………”, my cousin hollered, he couldn’t believe, that his younger girl cousin who’s somewhat a hillbilly, who’s totally careless, can have the same tastes in music as he.  I’d told him, because there’s high repetition in the lyrics, it would be hard, to not remember.  He’d nodded, hinting, that I’d guessed it right, then, he’d continued, “you know what, if you keep your heart in a diary, then, someone will peek into it for sure, but, writing your emotions with music, there’s no way of losing, only you alone will know it.”

Wow!  So, music can manage to continue oneself from the present to the past too, that is something I’d never considered, I’d given him a thumbs up, “You are, an engineer!”  Other than my curiousness, I’d started listening to the lyrics, “I pretend that I’m glad you went away/These four walls closing more every day/And I’m dying inside/And nobody knows it but me.”

Looking at my cousin, sitting with his back towards me, I’d felt this sourness, rushing up from my heart, my dearest cousin, you still had a ton of things left unsaid to auntie, don’t you?

In not knowing, I’d taken after my older cousin’s ways, of recording my life down with the songs: Hsin-Jie Lee’s “Freedom” expressed this false sense of freedom I’d felt when I broke up; Je-Ching Chu’s “Sister’s Drum” roused up this uneasiness that I’d felt, as I was about to graduate, and enter into the workforce, turned me into a backpacker, to Tibet, leading me to believe, that that, was the exit to my own life; CNBLUE’s “Try Again, Smile Again”, helped me through the tortured darkness of the game of money and power at work. And, Huei Jiang’s “Asking the Gods” helped me express the difficulties of choosing between my own parents, and my career…

The candles on the cake is closing in, to forty, and now, I’d played the pianos, not for the sake of conquering anything, and, played the music, not for the purpose of getting the lost memories back again, I’d just, enjoyed the simple notes that were connected.

And so, you can see the maturation process of this woman, of how the purpose of music had changed, as she matured, became of age, and, how music played a vital role for her and someone she loved and cared about, and that, is the power of music, you don’t necessarily need to understand the words, but, just listen to the melodies…

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Filed under Because of Love, Being Alone, Connections, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Expectations, Family Matters, Healing Process, Hobbies/Pasttimes, Interpersonal Relations, Letting Go, Life, Loneliness/Solitude, Loss, Observations

Watching My Past Unfold, Before My Eyes

All those moments, I’d forgotten about, all rushed BACK up to the surface, and, they’d escalated, became this HUGE tsunami wave, that came, crashing down on me…

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, it was, as if I’m merely an observer, to the atrocities that had happened to me, I’d tried to scream, but, no sound came from my mouth, I’d felt that hurt, that pain, that betrayal that was so deep once more.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d tried, to keep the perspectives of an outsider, someone who’s totally and completely, UNINVOLVED in the matters, but I just couldn’t, I’d felt that knife, cutting into my all over again.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, all of a sudden, I’d found myself, in the midst of this raging storm, I’d screamed, HARD as I possibly could, but, the loudness of the bad weather, well, they’d drowned out my cries.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d weathered through all these horrible storms, and now, as the storms calmed back down, I can finally, go back the path where the storms came, and, start to, pick up all those broken pieces, hopefully, I could, piece everything back together, again………

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Downward Spiral, Healing Process, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories, Vicious Cycle