That Film of Gloom

This IS, a REAL thing, that many women will experience after they have their, babies, and it may not happen immediately after childbirth…translated…

I’m crying, again.

Not knowing how long it’ll last this time, or, when I will, stop, there’s this, mist in front of my eyes now, is it, fog?  Or cataracts?  I no longer have it inside me, to find out.  Every day is like a race that I’m running behind in: getting up breastfeed, burping, cooking, diapers, it cycled endlessly, this is not the life I’d, imagined for my, self.

Night came again, I stood by the desk, that night light glowing yellow is the only source of light in the, room, illuminating my loneliness in all of this, the white noise I put on, was more for my sake, so I don’t, get drowned by my own anxieties.  My infant is gulping down the milk from my breast, I’d, tried adjusting my breaths, exhaled, deep, to calm myself down more, so my milk can flow out, more easily, and prayed that this little guy, after he’s fed, he can, fall, drowsily, asleep, it didn’t matter if I got drained dry completely, I just want to, lie flat on my bed soon, to catch up on the zzz’s for a few short, hours.

Until much later I’d learned from my friend, that this was, postpartum depression.  So, it is, real, same as the regular depressive disorders, without a sign it comes, and leaves without a trace too, it doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to someone who’s well-provided for, a doctor’s, wife too.

My symptoms were unstable, and this anger, upset that comes out of nowhere, vanishes without a warning stayed with me for, two, years, I’d become like that ticking time bomb, can detonate at any moment of, time, then I got pregnant with my second child, and I’d told myself: I can’t be like this, again.

But as a migrated woman who is so far away from my home country, other than my teammates at work, I have, no other, social support, at most, I can only, videochat with my friends and families in Taiwan, to get rid of my own sullenness, other than that, I had to, find my own way, out.

the list of symptoms women might experience…chart found online

In the process of finding my relief, a friend who also married to a foreign country like me, shared some of her homemade breads with me, that kindness and warmth, it’d, started my journey to baking, and, I’d become, a permanent customer.  The days that followed, I’d, circled around my own oven, as the aroma filled up my home from the bake, gently, embracing this, home, it’d, healed me slowly too, seeing how my families and friends enjoyed the breads, the cakes, and other snacks I’d baked, I’d felt, that sense of achievement, and it’d added the colors, back to my, life, and that gauze seemed to have, that tiny split in it, letting the light back, in.

That day, I was chatting about unimportant matters as my husband and I were driving down the freeway, I’d suddenly noted that that film is, slowly, disappearing, the trees by the sides of the roads no longer looked yellow only, the skies, no longer gray like when a storm is on its way, I’d not seen this bright a sunlight that’s blinding my eyes for a long, long time.

That’s when I knew I’m, out of the dark!

And so, postpartum is not so VOODOO excuse that we women make, for not wanting to do anything, it IS a real condition, and it’s still because of our hormone levels (and yes I’d already filed THAT complaint with my pituitary, and it hadn’t gotten back to me yet!), and there’s no way to speed this shit up, and all we can do, is to, wait it out, like riding out that, storm, and for some people, they NEVER get out of this postpartum depressive state, but this woman is lucky, that she, had.