No Matter Who’s the Breadwinner, Who’s the Homemaker, We Can’t Neglect the Values of Worth of Work of Our Spouses

How the way we are, socialized, is too set, unless, we are given the opportunity to change, and we take the opportunity to make the needed change, to STOP the vicious cycle from getting passed from one generation to the next, and the next, and the next…translated…

The Married Couple Became a Whole, if One Person Flourishes, so Does the Other, if One Person Atrophies, So Does, the Other, If One is Damaged, the Other Won’t be able to Live by Oneself Either……….

“When you grow up, you need to have a job of your own, NEVER, rely on a man, understand?”, my mother cried and told me, as she’d, stepped on the pedals of the spinning jenny, told me when I was, a young, child.

My mother had married my father for many a year, she’d still recalled how when they were newlywed, she’d accidentally heard my father told the younger generations, “Do find a good wife for yourself, don’t be like me, marry any random, woman.”  At the time, the two of us were already, born, my mother felt she’d given all she had to the family, but still got criticized like so, she felt anger, and gotten into a huge fight with my father.

Ever since, my mother would use her own, tragic example, to warn me, to have me study hard, get into a good university, with a good job, to NEVER become a stay-at-home wife, to avoid getting talked down to by my own future husband like she had.  I’d lived up to her expectations, gotten a good job, and believed myself to be an equal with my own, husband at home.

And yet, thirteen years passed, in my own marriage, I’d slowly come to understand, that just “because I have a good enough job”, that does NOT mean that I get the due respect from my husband.  My father when he was young, couldn’t understand the worth of my mother’s caring for the families, that didn’t mean, that my husband would look down on me because of my work status being higher.  As a newer generation, we all understood the values of the stay-at-home person.

The first five years of our marriage, I’d provided for my husband as he worked toward his doctorate, and believed, that I am the breadwinner, therefore I get to talk the loudest, that I get the say in how my home is, run just like my own father did.  My husband knew of my strong character, and didn’t want to fight with me, which caused me to grow even worse.  Until later, I’d stayed at home to raise my children, my husband graduated and began working, became the breadwinner, I’d come to the realizations of how I’d, belittled him from before—my husband didn’t get all the power of the household all to himself, instead, he’d, discuss with me on every decision.

illustration from UDN.com

My mother, because of her own ether, because of her own experiences, set up her core values of “never get belittled by a man”, passed that value down to me.  While I was, deeply impacted by the value systems, seeking that same dream that she had, without knowing, that my husband never judged anyone based off of her/his work.  He respects me, because I am, who I, am, not because of my work, or my, achievements.  If you want to, use your work to elevate your own status in your marriage, then, it will never be, perfect.

Up to midlife, I’d come to realize, that showing mutual respect to one another, loving each other, because we are, a whole together: “I respect you, is respecting my own, self”, the couples will go together, for better or for worse, if one is hurt, the other, can’t be unharmed either.

Thankful, that I got the opportunity to learn this, that in my bottom half of life, I won’t spend it, arguing with my own, husband, while my father, in his serious illness during his elderly years, finally learned, to appreciate his wife, my mother’s worth, in caring for the, family.

And so, this is how, the values we acquired, is by socialization, by us, watching our own, parents, interact with each other, and we would keep that same means of relating to each other, just as how our parents related to each other, until, an opportunity for change, for growth like in this woman’s life comes, and we take it, and LEARN our lessons from that, and, change, otherwise, this VICIOUS cycle will keep on, passing from one generation to the next, and thankful, this woman STOPPED the vicious cycle of her own parents’ interactions, in HER generation, and NOT let it pass to her own young.