Tag Archives: Understandings of Life

Just Relax

Yeah, uh, easy for you to say!!!  Translated…

Awhile, around the beginning of the spring season, my beloved cat, Boo-Boo became crippled.

He had retracted his right front leg, and, used his other three legs to walk, seeing my dearly beloved Boo-Boo who used to walk with such grace becoming a three-legged cat, my heart wrenched for him.

The doctor said it was arthritis, and so, I’d started administering the medications; but, when the doctor was treating his joints, he’d found out, that there was something wrong with his kidneys too, then, we must treat his kidneys first, otherwise, the medication will become even MORE straining on him, and so, the treatment methods became epidermal injections on a daily basis; and still in this process, the doctor found that there is also, heart and pulmonary problems that Boo-Boo has, and then, treating the heart and pulmonary problems became the top priority, otherwise, the epidermal injections will prove to be even MORE straining on his lungs and heart……and, just like so, feeling helpless, I’d taken my Booboo cat, who didn’t want to, between the two vets, but, his crippled leg, it’d not only gotten treated, there’s also, an assortment of OTHER kinds of conditions.

Finally one day, right around the time I’m supposed to take Booboo to the doctors, he’d found a hiding place underneath my bed, and refused to come back out again.

I knew, that he’d had enough, me too, but, what else is there to do?  Who would want their dearly beloved pet cat to suffer?  I’d bent down, called out to my Boo-Boo gently, telling him, that it’s all for his own good.

But he’d ignored me, and, hid underneath my bed for an entire day and night.

The morning of the second day, I woke up, saw Boo-Boo lying in front of the windows, getting some sun.  I’d walked over to him, extended my arms, to pat him, but he’d gotten up, dodged me, stubbornly, without turning his head back, limped, his way, back to underneath my bed, and his facial expressions said all: I don’t love you anymore!  This, is where we end.

At this precise moment, I’d heard my own heart shatter, and knew, that I’d lost the trust, that my Boo-Boo cat had for me.  Naturally, he couldn’t understand why it was, that I was taking him to a place he didn’t like to be, to be treated, for no reasons at all, poor Boo-Boo!  He was originally, very close to humans, and loved me so, but, during this time, I’d not only managed, to get him cured, instead, I’d imposed so much more fears upon him.

Then, I shall just, let nature take its course then, not forcing it on him.  Allow the love and the trust to come back again, there’s nothing else MORE imperative than that.

And so, I’d stopped taking Boo-Boo to the veterinary hospital, at first, he’d still act so defensively toward me, looking at me from a distance, with that sense of guardedness in his eyes, always kept a few meters’ distance between us, but, as time passed, he was slowly, willing, to come closer to me, to accept my touch again; and finally, one day, he’d started, circling around me, intimately, and used his head, to rub against my hand, and allowed me to hold him once more, and put up with my never-ending kisses toward him.  And so, we’d become the best of pals, and started living this sweet and happy life we shared again.

After not going to the hospitals every day, other than limping when he walked, Boo-Boo was like his old self, there was no show of him, being in immense pain, and I’d accepted that he will continue to limp too.  Although I felt that he didn’t walk right, but, there’s that extra sense of cuteness about him.  So long as he’s not in pain, nothing else mattered.  That wouldn’t reduce the love I have for him, him being crippled and all.

Then, awhile ago, about the start of the summer, one day, I’d found, that Boo-Boo was no longer limping again, he’d become, once again, a graceful cat again!

How did all of this change?  Could it be, that he was healed, by the love, and the trust we shared once more?

Or maybe, it’s because I’d relaxed too.  When I no longer worried like hell over him, perhaps, this cat who shared my life intimately, also stopped feeling the anxieties.  From before when I’d done so much, and, there was, no results, then one day, the blockage all of a sudden, was relieved, leaving everything up to fate, and, things got resolved, and, the blockage was gone, and, everything changed for the better.

Worrying is actually an useless emotions.  From my Booboo cat, I’d understand once more, that loosening a wind-up too-tightly heart, your world will open up too.  Like the mysticist had stated, “All you need to do is sit quietly, the flowers will bloom on their own, the grasses and trees will too.”  It is that way to a cat, and this can also be applied to anybody else’s life as well.

And so, the cat just needed time on its own, to sort whatever it is it needed to get sorted out, and the owner’s worries are for naught, and, the owner learned an important lesson about life from her cat, that sometimes, all you need to do, is to sit back, and let nature take its course, and, trust that everything will work out at the end, and it will…

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Filed under Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Expectations, Lessons, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

What My Mother Taught Me

From the mind of a daughter, translated…

“My mother said, that when you do the dishes, do the chopsticks first, then, the plates and the bowls should come easy!”, “My mother said, that when you take a bath, you should start with your feet first, after your feet are warm, then, you won’t feel cold anymore…”

When I was younger, I’d loved going to my next door neighbor, Ling’s house to hang, every time I’d gone there, Ling would tell me about what her mom had taught her that day.  Back then, I was only in the fifth grade, and, I’d started wondering: how come my mom never taught me that?

My mother is an introverted, quiet traditional woman.  Back when I was younger and asked her about things, she’d only answered me, “Good child, think on it harder!”  or, “Mmmmmmmmmm, that’s wonderful!”, she was NEVER like Ling’s mom who’s a teacher, with a lot of knowledge to teach to me; she’d always smiled and looked at me, then, heard me out quietly.

Back then, every time I’d them more.

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Filed under Lessons, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Socialization

The World Looks, Different…

The world looks, different, when I look at it, from this side of Goldie’s (the goldfish???) tank, everything seemed to be, submerged, under water, with that blurry effect.

The world looks, different, when I’m standing, on my hands, with my feet up in the air, it looks, funny, and smiles became frowns, and frowns turned, into smiles.  The world looks, different, and, it no longer feels the same today, as it did, yesterday, I wonder why!  Has it, changed that much?  No, the grasses are still green outside my window, the moon, the sun, and the stars, still high in the skies, during the day and into the nights.

The world looks, different, but, nothing has changed, I’m just, older than yesterday, or, a second ago that’s all.  The world looks different, and I can’t make everything stay the same, and, the thought of losing things just hurt, very awfully bad!

The world looks, different, so, what’s changed, is it, me?  Is it, you?  Is it, how we got along together?  Remember that fight we had?  Are you still mad at me?  The world is changed, again and again, and, this feeling of not being able to, hold on tight, to the things that matter, well, it just hurt, very bad.  The world not only just, looks different, it IS, different, isn’t it?  What’s changed, that trash can is still right where it was yesterday, that dog still barked like crazy when I passed by, people’s yards still look so very green, so, WHAT, had changed, that makes the world, feel so different today, compared to yesterday???

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Filed under Cost of Living, Expectations, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Writing

Nothing is Built to Last

If you’d been around long enough, then, this, would BE the conclusions you came to too!  Nothing is built to last, and, you should know that by now, don’t you???

Nothing is built to last, not even love, and, when you’re just in love, you may feel, that oh, we’ll be together, for forever AND a day, because you’re infatuated with one another, but soon, betrayals happened, and, you’d get shattered, and, it’s all because, you’d held that high-above-sea-level expectation you shouldn’t have in the first place.

Nothing is built to last, you had better come to your senses about it, lives are still, getting lost, every single day, and, each and every day, the old lives are replaced, with the new ones, and that, is just how it goes, NO way ‘round it!

Nothing is built to last, and, if you want to believe, that things ARE built to last, then, you’d be in, for a H-U-G-E disappointment, and, once you’d felt disappointed, well, let’s just say, that disappointments don’t feel that good at all…

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Filed under Expectations, Interactions Shared with the World, Lessons, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Nothing Good about Goodbye

Goodbye, it’s such, a weird word, as, there IS NO good in goodbye, I mean, think about it, with EVERY goodbye, you’d gotten your hearts, broken, and, what’s so good ‘bout it?  Unless, you enjoy, TORTURING yourselves…

Nothing good about goodbye, because goodbye has such an awful impact on people’s lives, and, we do whatever we possibly can, to try, to avoid the instances that we may need to, or even, BE forced to, say this word to someone else, and, ourselves from, hearing it too.

Nothing good about goodbye, but, sometimes, goodbye is a must, as each and every love came to a DEAD halt, and, it’s NOT advancing anymore, and, if something is not going someplace, then, it might well be, stagnant, right?

Nothing good about goodbye, and yet, people keep on saying to one another, “goodbye”, and that, is just, really confusing, because, are they saying “good” bye, to LIE to themselves, that this, is an amicable break up, or, are they simply, doing it, for “show”???

 

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Filed under Because of Love, Cost of Living, Expectations, Loneliness/Solitude, Loss, Perspectives, Properties of Life

Lies

Translated…

If the world is weaved with the longitudes and the latitudes, then, these two opposites, may been seen, as lies and truths, perhaps.

My mother warned me, don’t lie.  Her sharpened looks, pierced through my pupils, and ended, in the depth of my brains.  I think, perhaps, when I’d lied in my childhood years, my facial expressions were probably very rigid, and, maybe, I have a different tone of voice too?  Otherwise, how would my mother know, that I’d snuck out?  On the half days we had in elementary school, as a latchkey kid, I just, couldn’t stay put, on the afternoons when my parents are away at work, I’d often, taken my allowances, and gone to the theatres in our community, or the supermarkets, or even, the stationery shops—because of considerations of safety, this, was not allowed of me.  Still recalled how one afternoon, it was pouring, my mother entered the house, without having said a word to me, she’d known, that I’d skipped out, and, I got grilled so hard, that I was shocked, later on, I’d found out, that it was, my shoes, stepping on the mud, and, the muddy water splashed onto the back of my pant legs that gave me away, and it’d all become, HARD evidence.

Being complete is very difficult, as there’s truth in the lies, and lies, in the truths, and, telling half-truths, would be the best way.  Although everybody sees lies as unethical, but, it’d become the lubricating joining gel, with a little bit, plastered, and can make everything stick together better; a world, without the lies, truthful, and still, everything that’s true is too rigid and square, and they’d become, hard to swallow down.  But, it takes practice, to become, a good liar, my facial expressions, my tone of voice, all of it, I needed a ton of practice, to make it sound real.  Practice lying?  It sounded awful in the ears of those righteous adults, but, some of the things that were said, shouldn’t be considered as lies.  Later on, I’d discovered, that if everybody knew the truth deep down, then, it wouldn’t be a lie, it’d be, “courtesy” instead: oh, you’re so young.  Wow, you’re so pretty.  Your children are all very outstanding and very well-behaved.

My mother, isn’t at all that honest either.  The two years that my grandmother got sick, until she’d died, my mother never told my grandmother, that actually, she had lymphoma.  I don’t know how my mother, who’d taken care of my grandmother the longest had consoled her and answered her inquiries, during the time, she’d gone in and out of the emergency rooms, the ICU, the hospital wards, with so many tests done on her, would someone be so blind, as to become totally oblivious to what one’s diagnosis was, not know, that she was extremely ill?  Back then, I was only a few years younger than I am now, I’d grilled my mother, with my student-like naïve nature, and righteousness, mom, how can you lie to grandma?  The patient has the right to know, if it were you, wouldn’t you want to know what you have?

“No, I really don’t, if that day comes”, my mother lifted up her buried head, and told me, seriously, “Do lie to me!”

And so, these, are the lies, we told, to protect someone, but, this became inconsistent for the child in the story, she’d been punished for lying, and taught, to ALWAYS tell the truth, but, when the grandmother fell ill, she watched, as her mother lied to her grandmother to her face, and, she’d slowly come to her sense, that life, is not as simple as lies AND truths, there are, gray areas in-between the black and white too!

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Filed under Family Matters, Interactions Shared with the World, Lessons, Values

When You’d Become the Epilogue to My Life

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, boy, oh boy, am I SCREWED or what?  ‘cuz there’s just NOT going to be a rightfully-deserved, rightfully-earned, happily ever after, endowed to me.

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, then, I might as well, just burn this book up, because I already know how it’s gonna end with you.  You’ll end up like him, abusive toward me, with absolutely ZERO clue of what you’d done, and, you’ll keep on, mistaking your abuse toward me as love, just as that former M***ER F***ER had too, because, you stupid BOYS just, NEVER learn!

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, well, then, maybe, I should, close this book of mine called “life”, and, toss it, into that “Burn pile”, consisting of BAD books I didn’t read through the covers thoroughly enough before buying them, or maybe, I should, TEAR up all those pages, and, use it for calculations’ sake, yeah, that’d be making use of something that’s completely, U-S-E-L-E-S-S, that, is what I’ll do then………

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Filed under Cost of Living, Life, Marriages, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Values

The Nightmares Carried Over into Adulthood…

This, is still, ALL from MY understanding of life here…

The nightmares you’d had since when you were children, will get carried, INTO your adulthood years, only that they’d manifested (yeah, BIG word!!!) themselves into something else, and, are, affecting you, in the various realms of your lives…

The nightmares carried over into adulthood, primarily, because they didn’t get completely resolved (look that up too, why don’t ya!!!) earlier, and, because you’d put off dealing, either consciously, SUB-consciously, or even UN-consciously, with them for so long, they’d become, suppressed, into that LEVEL of depth, and, it’s gonna take HELL to FREEZE (and, look at how the temperature’s currently droppin’ right now!!!), to bring ‘em all back up and OUT again.

The nightmares carried over into adulthood, because as a child, you’d felt scared, and maybe, cried out for your parents, but, uh, they’re way too busy, discussing who did what wrong to whom, that they’d, neglected to pay ANY needed attention to you, and, you WERE once, a very long time ago, the “product” of their love (product of a consented FUCK is more like it if you ask me!), and, therefore, you’d D-I-E-D, and that part of you that’s gotten taken out of your childhood (it’s called INNOCENCE, you MORONS!!!), well, it still hurt, don’t it?  And, it will, KEEP on hurting, gnawing on you, until one day, you finally deal with it, which, is quite unlikely, because all you will keep on doing, is sweepin’ ‘em GARBAGE, right underneath those big ol’ rugs of YO lives!  And this is still???  Oh yeah, my B-A-D (when’s it MY “good”???): NOT my P-R-O-B-L-E-M!!!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Awareness, Childhood, Children Murdered, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Growing Up Too Fast, Life, Loss, Socialization

Treating Someone Gently

The views of a college professor, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

Teaching a class is surely a very difficult thing, it took me half my life of standing on the podium, lecturing, until I’d retired, and still had to feel regrets over the moments of my teaching careers.  This, is not just me, being hard on myself, but the truth, especially after I’d retired, and have the spare time, to start to introspect, that, was when I’d realized, that there is, the “endless number of lessons we have all yet to manage”.  Time and the desires for knowledge will keep pushing the instructors forward, and there’s no end to this process, even though you may already be retired, the issues are still, troubling you.

What’s comforting though, is how some of the students would stay in contact with their instructors, especially after the student became the teacher.  As the student just entered into the teaching realm, s/he is filled with passions, worked hard, in the lessons, when they’d written, “I hope I can be as patient as you are, and be friends with my students.” I actually feel bashful, for not being a better example, but I’m truly glad for my students.  There was a student who’d gone to the distant regions to substitute, she was shocked, to realize, that a child from a poverty stricken home couldn’t even afford a pencil, she’d started preparing a pencil case that won’t damage the child’s pride, and, shared with the ins and outs of her learning to teach; I’d especially written a very long reply to her, commended her on empathizing other people’s hardships, and understand where her students came from, and at the very end, I’d reminded him, “I’m truly proud of you, but, do remember this passion you are still holding, don’t forget what got you into teaching with the passing of time.”

In my faith, treating the students with gentleness, is the best results of an instructor, and, not damaging the students’ prides would be the most basic form of achieving this.  When the student walked to the professor’s labs, the professor opens up the doors, lit a small lamp, and, listened patiently, to the students, talk of the troubles s/he is having in her/his research, the effects of this small act is way more than screaming one’s lungs out in the lecture halls, making sure that every student is paying attention to what you’re saying.

I’d read and reviewed over endless articles by countless students, I could no longer recall the essay by this particular student.  But on my way home, I kept thinking, that I should take more time, to write a few more lines, to give commend on how alive her essays portrayed the stories, then, “If you could use another tone of voice in your writing, then, it would be, better.”  But then, I was simply, way too young, that straightforward line of “if you could use another tone of voice in your writing then, it would be better”, had totally, beaten a sensitive student down, without me knowing that it had at all.  I’d once, worked so hard, to live by the rules of “not making my students feel bad”, and yet, I still couldn’t avoid doing so, it just shows, how hard it is, to be a teacher.

And so, this, is from looking back over the years, on the interactions with her students, and, this teacher realized, that she could’ve done better, especially in the way she was educated, versus the way she’d educated her own students, and, this sort of mode of interactions still get passed down from one generation to the next, but gladly, this woman who’s now retired, realized her mode of interactions, and hopefully, she will use more of her kindness, when she teaches the younger generations the lessons they will need in life…

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Filed under Cost of Living, Lessons, Life, Maturation, Observations, Perspectives, Values, Wake Up Calls

With a Change of Thought, I Had, Finally, Come Home

An article from a magazine online, translated…

When I was in the fifth grade, my mother had left home with some of her friends.  Before that, she’d always brought home her friends who don’t look male or female, to smoke, to drink with.  I’d told my mother, “The friends you brought home were awful!”, she’d hit me on the head, and locked me up, inside that room, in the attic.

On an evening, when the rain was pouring down, my mother didn’t come home, so, my father went, to look for her.  At the time when I was worrying about whether or not my father was going to get run over by a car, he’d come home, with my mother, drunk.  My mother who had passed out, couldn’t stop herself from throwing up, the three of us kids, cried, and kneeled before her, only I, stayed in the bedroom, as my third-youngest brother came knocking, “We’re all out here, begging mom, to stop what she was doing, won’t you come with us, and do the same too, eldest brother?” I’d only had one reply, “I’m asleep”, but, I was, actually very much awake, I’d told the walls, “I do not have such a mother!”

And from then on, I’d not viewed my mother as my mother again.  But my father, he just won’t give up, it took him, twelve years, to finally, divorce her.  Even if I’d called out to my mother’s friends, and her friends managed to find someone they knew, who just got out of prison, to come and kill me; and even if, the only time my mother came home was, when she needed money, to scam my father out of his earnings, he’d still, wanted her.  I was very furious, I’d asked him to get a divorce, but he’d told me, “a home is when we all get together, no matter what she did, she is still, your mother, I will, pull her back home to us again.”  My father grew up in the warring times, he had another wife in China, and his eldest brother in China is already in his seventies, and his persistence toward my mother made me feel less about him.

A Father Who’s an Educator, With Trouble-Making Children

My father was an educator, when I was a teenager, he had to face the doubts of his school principal, “You’re a discipline instructor, and yet, you couldn’t even manage to, control your own children, how, did you educate them?”  My father could only, transfer me out of that first school, I too, wanted to be good, it’s not that I can’t, I just, didn’t know how.  I felt so borderline, often got upset, depressed, but at the same time, I was, filled with energy, and I’m often on edge, in my psychological state of mind.

The four kids from my family, before we were twenty-five, none of us behaved.  I was the eldest, played the role of the “savior” of my family, I’d disciplined my own younger brothers and sister.  I wasn’t at all studious, but at the same time, I was forcing my younger sister, to recite the poems; I’d run off to hang out with friends, but, banned my younger brothers from so doing; I would physically hit my second youngest brother, and, when I couldn’t win in fights, I’d simply, ignored him.

I didn’t get into college until I was twenty-three, before that, I’d worked as a construction worker, a mover.  As my third youngest brother went to technical college, he’d received, two major reprimands, two minor ones, along with endless number of warnings.  My father had often commented, “My heart was hacked in two.”  I too, was in great pain, and I’d often thought, that had my mother not behaved as she’d done, maybe, our household wouldn’t be a huge mess.  As I thought about my mother, anger started, raging inside of me.

And I didn’t get along well with my father either, I’d never celebrated a birthday from when I was growing up.  My father always told me, poor people don’t have birthdays.  But, on the day that I’d turned twenty, my father, he bought me, a birthday cake.  Did you know that, for a child who’d never been kempt, in accepting love, when my father showed me his cares and concerns, I felt, awkward, “I don’t want it, why are you giving me a cake?” this awkward feeling that came out of nowhere, without taking even a bite from the cake, I’d slammed the doors, and left the house.

I got trapped between, needing and wanting my family to love me, and yet, at the same time, I’d despised this feeling of needing their love.  Love is so warm, why can’t I just, embrace it?  Because I’d lived, for too long, in this icy environment, that this sudden warmth imposed upon me, I wouldn’t know, how to cope with.

My mother’s leaving home had caused me to feel so very lonely, I’d once imagined, that when I was feeling lonely, my mother would come to me, and hug me.  But when I saw other people’s moms, hugging them, I’d started crying, so hard, that, was the shared grief, for people who’d lost their mothers.

At age thirty-two, the school I taught at sent us to take the Satir Counseling method, back then, I was, so totally, against counseling, always believed, that those in the field of psychology is prying into the personal matters of others.  But, on that very first day of class, I was, shocked, at the lecturer’s open attitude, his forgiving nature, and his not blaming me.  I was, shaken up, from the inside out, and learned, that there was, this way, of relating to others.

I’d decided, to go into counseling then, back then, I had only $200,000N.T. in savings, I took out $60,000N.T., for the sessions right away.  For the next two years, I’d gone, every month, to Chenggong University, to talk to, the psychiatrists, and the social workers, in the process of talking and listening, I’d gained a better understanding of my own mother.  My heart was opened, I understood, that I was feeling sad, my own losses, and regrets as well, and I had, the ability now, to examine, the origins of all of those negative feelings of mine.

Finding the Last Piece of the Puzzle Called “Family”

In the counseling sessions, there was an assignment, it was, for the pupils, to draw a diagram of their families, that, was the very first time, so I’d called her up, she was very surprised, to hear my voice, for the first time in twenty years since she’d left home, that was, the very first time I’d gotten in touch with her by my choice, I no longer, grilled her about why she’d abandoned us, or took that tone of blame when I spoke to her, and, because I wasn’t angry, she didn’t react as rashly either.  She’d mentioned how she was, volunteering, helping the deceased from the less fortunate families clean up their bodies, because she wanted to, atone for her own sins.  I felt awful, told her, that although I didn’t condone what she’d done back then, but I don’t think she’s with that much guilt, that she needed not be, too hard on herself.  “I respect, that we could, travel on this long journey together.”  She’d started crying on the other end of the line, and started apologizing to me continuously.

I’d even told her, that I’d admired her, because seeing and knowing where she had come, in the midst, of all the difficulties in her life, whether or not she liked it, she’d still, lived on, using her own methods.

I’d come to understand my own mother, through the “needs of a man”, when she married my father, she was only nineteen, they were, more than twenty years apart in age, could there be, that there was, a huge part of her life, that never quite was satisfied?  I’d also come to realize, that even though my father is a Mr. Nice-Guy, he did have, a ton of the traditional values, such a young life, married to my father, without any forms of fun or entertainment, it must’ve been, so unfair to my mother.

With a change of a thought, I’d gotten myself out of the grief I’d felt for so very long, made peace with my own mother.  This year on Chinese New Year, by tradition, the children would head over to our birth mother’s place to give her the red envelopes, then, head home, to my father and my stepmother, to have our New Year’s Eve supper together.  I can, finally, enjoy, this hard-to-come-by family get-together on New Year’s Eve this year.

And so, this, is the process of how a man finally found the closure that he needed to have, in order, to move on, with the rest of his life, it wasn’t at all easy, for him, to forgive himself, and his own mother, for her leaving him and his siblings behind, but, he was able to, consider his own mother’s perspectives, and, understood why she did what she had done, and this still took, a lot of hard work to achieve, and this man, had done it, finally!!!

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, Healing Process, Letting Go, Observations, Overcoming Obstacles, Professional Opinions, Properties of Life, Socialization, Translated Work, Turning One's Life Around, Turning Over a New Leaf, Values