Tag Archives: Saying Goodbye

If One Day I No Longer Woke Up

On death & dying, translated…

If one day, I no longer woke up, I really don’t have any regrets, because all the love that needed to be spoke, I’d called them all aloud, and, I’d repeated, calling them out loud.

In the process of battling this illness, there were moments of lows, or when my condition worsened, but from the beginning, my mind had been settled, that, was beyond my medical professional trainings, other than having it been taken from my own “faith”, more of this sense of calm came from my long-term “preparedness”.  Because I’d “proclaimed my love” to people that I loved, so I’m not fearful of this sudden onset of goodbye.

During this time, I’d gotten so many calls, from the daily living routines, to the rare nightly dreams.  Of course, all of these, small moments, are only granted to those who are believers.

Many years ago, when I’d gone to the U.S. to visit with my older brother, I’d talked to him about our parents’ health conditions, and told him of how they worried about him whom they can see regularly.  After college, he’d gone abroad, he could not be with our parents, he’d spoken, in a heartfelt manner, “Yu-Cheng, I really envy how you can be close to mom and dad, talked about everything with them, but, make sure, you don’t tell them of the difficulties that I’m facing.  I’m not there by their side, I can’t explain the situations, and, it will only increase their worries.”

Eldest brother!  Eldest brother!  Did you recall, how moved I was, by your words back then?

Child, Don’t Worry About Me

My brother’s words weighed heavily on my mind since.  When I was certain of my own cancer diagnosis, I’d decided, to not tell my two children who were in the United States then, I wanted to spare them the worries, the helplessness that they may feel, not being able to be with me.

I just wrote my daughter, Kai-Wen, asked her to buy me the supplements that can help reduce the damages of my chemotherapy, glutamine, it’s cheaper overseas.  Kai-Wen is a very smart and sensitive child, she’d immediately wrote back, “What’s wrong, dad?  Are you sick?”

My dear daughter, how can I allow you to feel worried for me?  I’d immediately wrote my daughter back, “dad’s just having stomach troubles.”  Not long thereafter, Kai-Wen wrote that she’s coming to Taiwan for a week, and I knew, that I couldn’t hide my conditions any longer.  Later on, my son, Ding-Jia too, took my granddaughter, Dena home too.

My family did not bathe ourselves in misery, instead, the kids had given me a ton of glee, they’d given me the best present, to help me fight—Kai-Wen, and Ding-Jia both announced that they were having babies, and this joy is not only coincidental, it’s also very “hard-to-come-by” too.

My Daughter and Daughter-in-Law are Pregnant, the Birds Lay Their Eggs Here

Since Kai-Wen was young, she’d had opinions all her own, seeing how her mom gave everything to her family, put her heart and soul onto the kids, she’d set up her mind about never becoming a “traditional housewife”, before she married, she’d told her in-laws, “No babies!”

As her parent, I had no choice, I can only accept my child’s choice and personality completely, but, I couldn’t help, but feel that smallest regret, and I’d feared for my daughter.  But gladly, Kai-Wen was lucky enough, to have understanding in-laws who took her thoughts into considerations.

This time she’d come back, she’d told mom, “Uh, I think I might be pregnant.”, in mine and my wife’s ears, it’s a huge blessing, to the point of miraculous.

The good things came in the numbers.  My daughter-in-law who’d been troubled by infertility, in the assistance of the infertility specialist at MacKay Hospital, Hu, had given me a cute little granddaughter, Dena, and they’re thinking of having a second child, and the second time they went through in-vitro, it was successful.  And, my daughter and daughter-in-law’s due dates coincided with each other.

The grace from the Heavenly Father is not done yet, there were albatrosses that made nests on our osmanthus tree, and, the female laid its eggs, and in a few short days, the eggs hatched, and, it brought life into my house.  I smiled at my wife, said, “Other than you, all the females in this family are all having babies!”

It’s a Grace, to be Able to Say Goodbye, with Cancer

At age forty, I’d written my last will, and held nothing back toward my children, and I was not at all, bashful in proclaiming my love toward them, even when after I was diagnosed with cancer, there is nothing left for me to tell them.  But I’m truly glad, that I was blessed enough, to see how my life is getting passed on with my children, how they’d fulfilled my life, and allowed me to have no regrets.  The kids had always known how much I loved them, how much I loved this family of ours.

In the process of growing up, my father wasn’t’ very well at expressing his emotions to us, until he’d gotten ill, been diagnosed with cancer, did he start showing how unwilling he was about leaving us, until his last minute, he’d finally spoken of his love to us.  And after I’d started my own family, I’d made up my mind, to make my children feel my love toward them, and so, they were raised, with my love, constantly, flowing around them, and they’d not at all, estranged from the softer side of the father figure at all.

But I still must say, that if we are going to say goodbye to our loved ones, being able to say goodbye with cancer is such a blessing.  Some would say that death is “swift and quick”, that they’d rather leave the earth, in a heart attack, or a car crash, without the pains, the tortures of expectations.  And still, would you feel absolutely, NO regrets, without having to say goodbye?  Do you really not owe your families an “I love you”?  Are there really, no unfinished business?

Cancer had provided me with a “period of time”, to allow me to contemplate, which words needed to be said that I hadn’t’ said, that I can still make up for it; which events, if I had a chance to do over, would I do differently.  There are things in life that we must finish, some things, that must leave the memories behind, the things we’d missed out on in the years previous, the things we’d accomplished or hadn’t done, cancer, it’d given us a “second chance”.

If you can see it from this angle, being diagnosed with cancer is a blessing that gives you no regrets, and, it wouldn’t be a curse, a torture to you.

After I fell ill, I’d started discussing one thing with my wife, Pei-Ching formally, I’d examined my financial welfare, thanks to my years of working at the hospital, allowed me to be financially able, I know, that even after I’m gone, my wife will not have any troubles, this, is the only feedback, I can offer to her, for giving up her own career, and pouring her heart and soul out to this family of ours.

I’d never lived extravagantly in life, I’m wearing a local brand of shoes, a nameless watch on my wrist.  I’d only told Pei-Ching, to not think about investing the money, to believe in any sorts of investments, having a simple financial condition would suit her best, and her life is stabilized and set.

We Will Meet Up Again Eventually

I remembered on our twenty-fifth anniversary, I’d taken the time, decorated the house while Pei-Ching was out, put some water into the basin, lit the candles, spread the stones and the flowers onto the floors, and, as she walked in, I’d recited to her, “like the blooms of the flowers, like the clarity of water, stable like the rocks, as passionate as fire, that, is the love I feel for you!”, she’d started crying after she’d stepped into the house.

Pei-Ching and I had already settled our final affairs, we’d found a place for our ashes and urns, next to my parents’.  The day I settled the affairs, I’d written a poem to her:

If one day I don’t’ wake up, don’t cry for me.

We’d completed a poem written by god

We will meet up, at rainbow’s end

As designated by god

And we shall never be parted again

In heaven or on earth

After I fell ill, I’d found the poem, and, texted it to her once more.

If one day, I will no longer wake, I really don’t have any regrets, because all the love that needed to be spoken, I spoke it aloud, and, I’d repeated it, relentlessly.

So, this, is how you’d said goodbye, to your loved ones, and, the man is right, that you need to prepare for your deaths, WAY ahead of time, because, death can and will HIT you, all of a sudden, you don’t know when it’s coming, when death will take you out, and, you can only do that much psychological construction, in preparing yourselves for it ahead of times.

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Filed under Choices, Coping Mechanisms, Expectations, Family Matters, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, the Finality of Life

On of the Last, to Get Onboard

She was, one of the last, to get onboard, out of that town, that she was born in, and then, some arsonist set that huge fire, and burned down the town, as the trains took me away.

One of the last, to get onboard, that, is what had happened, we all rushed away, fighting, to get that one last spot available, on that train, out of town, because the railways won’t come through here again!

One of the last, to get onboard, I’d become, and, as I boarded the flight, a million things are going through my mind, and, everything became too jumbled up, and I just couldn’t see things clear, through the tears that are falling from my eyes, and, the strange thing is, I don’t even feel sad, and so, why am I crying???

One of the last, to get onboard, you were, I stood on the platform, as you left me behind, to chase your dreams, you told me you’d come back some day, but I knew, that it is not true, that you will NOT keep your promise………

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Filed under Letting Go, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Is it now?  Is it, really?  IS parting, really, such sweet sorrow?  And, why is that?  Is it because you’ll get to see her/him soon, and, because this “parting” is only temporary? Parting is such sweet sorrow, and, absence, does it, really (I mean, R-E-A-L-L-Y!!!) make the hearts grow fonder?  Who’s to say, that after time apart, the two of you won’t realize, that hey, maybe, just M-A-Y-B-E, we should JUST be friends, and NOTHING further?

Parting is such sweet sorrow, isn’t that a nice thought?  Like how after you’d FUCKED your one-night stands, and are about to put those PANTS on, and run OUT the door before you got caught, red-handed?

Parting is such sweet sorrow, maybe, only for Romeo AND HIS Juliet, and, IF you ask me (but hey, WHO asked Y-O-U, right???), those two are still NOT HIT hard enough by reality yet, well, death still came to BOTH of them, because they are still the SACRIFICED goats for their families’ feud, and, HOW many kiddies MUST die, before ALL y’all STUPID parents realize again?  ∞, would be my FINAL answer on THAT one!!!

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Filed under Hindsight, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Romance, Wake Up Calls

Our Very Last Session

What MUST we all learn, for our very L-A-S-T lesson, I wonder???  Translated…

Every weekend, the Christian Hospital in Taidong Mobile Team had two vans for premature babies, and they’d driven to the distant regions of Taidong, to assist children who need.  The six therapists assessed the developments of children in various areas, and, would have interventions every single week.

As a clinical psychologist, I was responsible for helping the children with their emotions, along with getting them caught up, to help them find ways to interact with the world around, and I would often bring concepts of therapy, into our play sessions.

The child whom I’d accompanied for a year, because he was entering the first grade, and showed great improvements, and so, finally we’d arrived to the closing of the case.  Even though, many sessions ago, I’d told him of the time we shared ending, but, the child couldn’t quite grasp the concepts of the “last sessions”.

On this day, the child saw the therapist came to teach her once again, ran toward me, with the same enthusiasm as she’d done in our previous sessions.

I’d told her, “This will be the last session we have together!”, the child nodded her head.

“Do you know what is the last session?”

“Yes!”

“Then, will the teacher still show up next week?”

“Yes, on Friday!”

“Mmmmmmmmmmmm…the meaning of the last class is, that after today’s session, you would’ve graduated, and the instructors will NO longer come to school, to help you with your lessons anymore.”

“……………then, when will the teacher be here again the next time?”

“This, I can’t guarantee, but, if there are special activities or something special happening, then, I will surely come visit you again.”
“Then, you must call me regularly then!”

“Okay I will!”

The child, seemingly, satisfied with my replies, and started playing her games.

The child had a blast, in the games today, she’d made up a storyline about how the stuffed animals went on a picnic, and gave me two roles to play.

Our games, are initiated by the child, it would help her from being the reactive self she usually is, to the proactive, most of the time, I would have to guess what the child was thinking, when I didn’t know what to do, I’d ask her, “What am I supposed to do now?  How would I answer the question?”

She’d asked me to hold my horses, that there would be someone to pick me up.  But, every time when I’d welcomed the one who was picking me up with great expectations, the other person told me, that she needed to put on more makeup, and that she will show up a bit later…that she hadn’t changed into proper attire, and will come by later…that she wasn’t dolled up pretty enough, will come later…the person who was to pick me up had a tummy ache, and will be late…there’s NOT enough seats, maybe tomorrow then………she hadn’t gone shopping yet, maybe next time………

And so, I was stuck, in this cycle, from the expectations I had at the beginning, I’d become tiresome, and, in the end, I held NO hopes of the picnic at all.

And, finally, after the thirty minutes of playing, the child allowed my character, to get stuffed up, and I’d ordered an assortment of weird dishes too, after I’m full, the child had asked my character to go to Kaohsiung to visit, and, there wasn’t too much torture this time, we’d gone out quickly, and, returned home satisfied.

Maybe, she needed a sense of control through playing the games with me, to fill that part of her that’s normally left, unsatisfied, and she’d been especially excited, about gaining control of the games.  Maybe, the child is signaling that she’d had her promises burst, each, and every time, to allow me to feel her anxieties about it, or the sense of hopelessness, perhaps?  Or, maybe, she’s trying to say, that without a beginning, there wouldn’t be a need for an end.

Before she left, I’d given her a certificate of graduation, and asked her to read the comments that all her occupational therapists wrote to her aloud.  Maybe, the child had finally felt, that this, is the time for parting, and, she’d looked disappointed, and no longer smiled, like she’d done awhile ago.

I’d gone over, to hug her, she didn’t hug me back, and I too, felt saddened.

Waving her hand, she’d turned back, to walk back to the classroom, and, we were on our way, on the van, to our next assignment.

We all need to go through the phases of beginning and ending the sessions.  I think, that, is how life is, from strangers, to knowing each other, to parting.

Dear child, sadness is something you must go through, but, don’t forget the positive memories we’d shared, and hold hopes for the future.  We all grow up, in processes such as this, you, and I, the same.

And so, that, is how we say goodbye, because you no longer needed the help anymore, you are strong enough, to go out on your own, and, letting go is still NOT at all easy, especially when you’d gotten too close to your patients.

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Filed under Behavior Modifications, Child Development/Education of Children, Connections, Coping Mechanisms, Education, Friendships, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Relationship, The Education of Children, The Observer Effect

Goodbye, Alice in Wonderland

Goodbye, my darling child, Alice, in Wonderland.  We’d managed to spend almost ALL of the waking hours of my childhood days, hanging out, in my imaginations, but, it’s time to grow up, for me, I know you would NOT want to, so, I’m leaving you, in Wonderland, where I found you, and, don’t you worry about that Queen of Hearts, she won’t BE giving you any MORE troubles, threatening to CHOP your head off, if you don’t follow her lead.

Goodbye, Alice, in Wonderland, I will always have you to hold, even though I’m ALL grown up, just like your dear friend, Little Red.  And I won’t forget about you, I PROMISE, cross my heart and hope to D-I-E!!!

But I got to go now, adulthood is waiting for me, at the end of the tunnel, and this, is where I shall leave you, in the arms that will keep you safe forever, inside Wonderland, and, don’t you worry about the Queen of Hearts, she’s been TRAINED to behave like a good mommy, and, while I’m away, she’ll BE taking good care of you, and, you can always come and find me if the Queen of Hearts does something bad, and, I WILL send HER to the C-O-R-N-E-R…

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Filed under Miscelaneous