Tag Archives: resentment

The Sense of Helplessness that Accompanies Me, in Caring for You

Been feeling it, quite a lot lately, actually, with the progression of your dementia, we’d placed you on meds, took you to a TON of supposedly-helpful classes, and now, they’re kicking you out, because you’d become, disruptive to others, and couldn’t concentrate for a long time…

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, nobody can and will EVER understand, for I’m one, fighting, this war that I know I can’t EVER win!  But, I keep, fighting on, took you to the doctors, and watched him, wrote out that one MORE prescription slip, for your meds, and, I’d wanted to ask him, is there any way, that I can, slow down the progression, but, the words, got swallowed down, and, it’d tasted bitter, as they, trickled down my throat.

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, why am I the one, who must handle it all?  When you’d stayed with me, you’d talked of your other kids, as if, I don’t even matter, how, how can you forget me, I am, your caretaker, your other kids are either way too busy, or they don’t want you, only me, I was, the only one who took you in, and this, is how you repay me?

The sense of helplessness that accompanies me, in caring for you, does it ever, go away?  I know I shouldn’t, and I feel, extremely guilty for it, but, why can’t you, just die already?  You’d already, outlived your husband, isn’t that enough???

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Despair, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Vicious Cycle

Locked, Deep Inside

Locked, deep inside, are the years of RESENTMENT I’d held toward you, for your infidelities with your whores (yes, there WERE more than O-N-E!!!).  And now, as my kids are all grown up, they can judge for themselves, their biological father’s (b/c that, was all you will EVER be to them!!!) moral characters.

Locked, deep inside, the years of pain, suffering, those endless nights of me, crying myself to sleep, when you’re away, fucking her, I now feel absolutely NOTHING (not because I’d blocked it all out still) thinking back.

Locked, deep inside, are the secrets of my past, that are slowly, revealing themselves to me, one by one, through the course of my entire life, and now, I’m thirty-one, everything HAD been R-E-V-E-A-L-E-D, and I will still BE holding NOTHING back!!!

Locked, deep inside, aching to break free from the chains that kept it bound, hissing out its tongue, ready to LASH out, are those years of anger I’d held in myself, for the sake of the kids, because I didn’t want them to grow up, seeing their parent fight all the time, because I’d watched my own parents fight like hell growing up, and, I put a “dent” on my personality…

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Filed under Moods, Emotions, & Feelings