Tag Archives: Regrets

Holding You Close, Traveling Back in Time

This one is about regrets, I’m afraid, translated…

Based off of Chinese traditions, during the month of recovery after birth, women aren’t supposed to go outside.  And, I’d finally waited until my daughter was one month old, I couldn’t wait, to sneak out; but, my daughter was fast asleep in my arms, I couldn’t leave her home alone by herself, so, I’d gotten a thought, “why not just leave her in the car seat.”

My excitement had totally caused me to neglect the traditional beliefs of “the Heat in June is Going to Burn”.  As I’d started the car, I’d driven into the city.  “Hey!  When did this furniture shop get set up here?”  In order to make sure that daughter has a nicely shaped head, as well as good skin, I’d parked the car by the side of the road, and turned off the ignitions, lightly shut the door, I wasn’t going to be long anyways.

When I’d opened up the car again, it was, half an hour later, and I saw my daughter, SCREAMING, CRYING at the top of her lungs, her face had turned purple, it’d shocked me, a first time mom, had I returned a few more minutes later, I may have lost my child.

I’d wanted to drive backwards, to twenty-two years ago, and wipe away this heart wrenching moment, hold you close to me tightly, so, you, the newborn, won’t have any fears, and I would’ve not let you out of my sight for even a few moments in time.

And so, this, is the mistakes of a first time mother, she’d been locked up for too long, and, she’d wanted to get some air, and so, she snuck out of the house with her daughter, and, left her infant child in the car, because she didn’t think that she’ll take too long, but, by the time, she’d come back, her baby was SCREAMING, and that, made her realize, how fragile a young life is, and, that, is a lesson learned, the HARD way, rookie mothers………

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Filed under Bad Parenting Behaviors, Carelessness of Adults, Cost of Living, Lessons, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Observations, Wake Up Calls

Suspected that She Had a Change of Hearts, Too Late for Regrets…Tragic, the Couple Was Divorced, the Money Gone, the Elderly Ex-Husband Murdered His Ex-Wife

So, this marriage is ruined by jealousy then???  From the Front Page Sections, translated…

An elderly man, Lee, wanted to get back together with his wife, Chiu, but she refused, he’d suspected that she had another man, yesterday, he’d broken into her place to confront her about it, in the heat of the anguish moment, Lee picked up a chair, bashed it on Chiu’s head, then, stabbed her in the chest, killing her.  After Lee murdered his ex-wife, he was dumbfounded, sat in the living room, and opened up the door for the police, admitted to murder, and said, “it’s too late to regret now, I’d done it already!”, he was charged with murder.

Lee (age 71) told the police, that he and his ex-wife, Chiu (age 66), divorced two years ago, and Chiu started ignoring him, he’d tried to get their love back again, but she wouldn’t allow it, he’d suspected that she was with another man, and thinking of how he’d given her all the wages all those years, and after the divorce, he couldn’t get it back, he’d gotten angry about it, and, in the heat of his own anger, he’d committed the murder.

The police investigated that Lee had been a cabdriver, and was married to Chiu for forty years, and the children are all grown, Chiu, two years ago, stated that she wanted a divorce, two months ago, she’d bought another property, and the neighbors said they’d seen Lee over to visit her.

At a little after four yesterday, Lee went to Chiu’s residence to find her, and because there was a sensor key and the woman told the super to not let Lee in, he’d gotten stopped twice by the security guard, Lee waited until after the security guard was off his shift at five, and entered the building alongside other residents.

After Lee entered into Chiu’s place, the neighbors heard her cry out for help, they’d knocked on the doors, asked, “what’s going on”, Lee replied, “family matter, butt out,” refused to open the door, the neighbors called the police; as the police arrived, Lee opened up the door, and Chiu was lying in a pool of blood, without a pulse.

The paramedics from the fire department rushed Chiu to the hospital, the doctors found that she had been hit hard on the back of the head, and there were slash marks on her chest, and that she’d died before they arrived at the hospital, and, they couldn’t save her.

So, we still have, yet another “love” that ended in murder, and it’s still because the man felt angered, that he’d gotten nothing from his marriage, and, because he felt unfair, that, became his primary motive, and, they weren’t on good terms from the start either, so that made things exacerbate even more.

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Filed under Abusing Someone's Trust, Bad Behaviors, Because of Love, Cost of Living, Deaths Caused by Love, Lives Lost, Murder, Nowhere Is Safe, Observations, Obstacles in a Relationship

Can’t Erase

Can’t erase, that fault on that page of white, and that black dot had become the only thing you regretted in your life, and, no matter how many times you’d flipped back to the pages, it’ll always be there, starin’ you, RIGHT in the F-A-C-E!

Can’t erase, that flaw that’s already imprinted onto your lives, there’s just NO way you will EVER get that “second chance” back again, because there ARE no second chances in life.  Can’t erase, and now, there’s that DARK spot on the pages of your lives, and, NO matter how hard you tried to shake THAT off, you can’t, as those “markings” are permanent, on the pages of your lives.

Can’t erase, can’t go back, all you can do, is to mourn for what’s lost, pay for ALL your sins, and, make sure you don’t SIN again, just grieve, then, move on, but, it’ll be real hard that’s for certain, however, it C-A-N be done!

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Filed under Despair, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Loss, Observations, Properties of Life, Values, Vicious Cycle

Going Back to My Hometown to Offer My Respects to the Deceased on My Father’s Behalf, I Cried and Sighed that it Was Too Late

Too late for that now, isn’t it?  And, that long and winding could’ve, should’ve’s, just keeps on pilin’ up, doesn’t it???  Translated…

Six years ago, without a warning, my father had died.

My father was an army officer who’d originated in China, who’d come to Taiwan on his own, without knowing a single soul, didn’t marry and start his family until he was forty years of age.  He’d worked hard his entire life, later on, he had dementia, in his final years, because of work, and I lacked the patience, I’d blamed him for his irrational behaviors, and I’d mostly blown him off rather than taken care of him.  His death was so sudden, and I couldn’t get out of blaming myself for NOT spending enough time with him for a very long time.

Two years after he’d died, I’d finished what I should’ve done with him whilst he was still alive, I’d gone back to the ancestral home he’d often talked about.  I took my mother along, as the plane landed in Chengzhou Airport, I’d called out to him mentally, “Dad, I’m back at home now”.

Looking at the unpaved roads, the farm village, and the old and estranged “house made by mud”, this, was where my father grew up, the land he’d walked on, the place he’d called his home.

When he was still alive, he’d always wanted to bring us all back here, to offer incense to his own forefathers, and even though, only one daughter had made it back, and we couldn’t get on our knees and bow our heads on our grandparents’ graves, but, it was like a sort of a ritual, I felt, that I can finally answer to my own father, and my paternal grandparents now.  The moment I’d kneeled and bowed my head to their graves, I couldn’t help, but cried, and I’d sighed on how everything came too little, too late.

A year after we’d returned from China, my older cousin called us, said that the ancestral home had been taken down.  My mother and I are all very glad, that we made it back there when we had, otherwise, we wouldn’t even have the chance of seeing where my father grew up.

When my father came to Taiwan, he didn’t have the time to say goodbye to his own parents and siblings; as he left this world, he also didn’t have time to say farewell to his wife and children.  After I’d made the trip back to his hometown, his old home had already been demolished, I think, this, might be what my father had in mind, this, was the way he’d said goodbye to his hometown, and to his family, I suppose.

And so, you should’ve taken him back, but you didn’t, just like how my maternal grandmother still talked of how her two children had yet to visit her ancestral home in China too, and this just showed, how the elderly population feels this strong drive about returning to their place of origin, on last time before they’d passed on, and yet, NOT very many get to do that, because of health issues, along with immobility, and what-not’s that came with the elderly years.

 

 

 

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Filed under Awareness, Expectations, Family Matters, Healing Process, Hindsight, Interpersonal Relations, Karma, Kindness Shown, Life, Maturation, Observations, Old Age, On Death & Dying, Parent-Child Interactions, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, the Finality of Life, Translated Work, Values, Wake Up Calls

I See All My Mistakes When I Look at You

I see you, and I feel disgusted, I see ALL my mistakes, the things I never had the chance of becoming, those wishes that fell out of the skies, when I look at you.  I see all my mistakes when I look at you, and I don’t know why.  You are from me, and I should love you, but I just can’t bring myself to do so, for some unknown reasons…

I see all my mistakes when I look at you, which, is why, I can’t even LOOK at you anymore, it is NOT your fault, it’s just the insurmountable pain that you reminded me of, about me, when I’d looked at you.  I see all my mistakes when I look at you, how can this be?  You were, a product of my love for someone who’s already gone (not dead, of course!!!), and now, love, is NO longer “around”, and so, the love, the warmth, along with all things wonderful and beautiful becomes negative………

I see ALL my mistakes when I look at you, I know that I need to love you, but I just can’t bring myself to, you are my daughter, and yet, you’re NOT “legal”, your father was a married man, and now, he’d left me, with the consequences of our actions: Y-O-U, and so, how can I love you???

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Because of Love, Being Alone, Carelessness of Adults, Excuses, Extramarital Affairs, Family Dynamics, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Kids Raising Kids, Life, Loneliness/Solitude, Messed Up Values, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Rationalization, Scapegoating

Spend These Last Days

He will be spending these last days in peace, just waiting for death to come claim him, he has NO regrets, he’d lived a full life, but for the rest of us, we still felt that time is running out.

Spend these last days, how will you?  Will you start looking back, and see ALL the faults of your ways, and, you’d be reminded of the mistakes you’d made, and you still couldn’t make it all right again, because time HAD passed.

Spend these last days, I will, accompany you, my love, you will NOT be alone, I will be holding your hands, as the angels’ come and claim you, and then, you’d be able to leave your ill body behind, and finally, be F-R-E-E.

Spend these last days, I am NOT going to spend these last previous days with you, CRYING my eyes out, because losing you IS an inevitability.  Spend these last days, having fun with you, because I WILL make it my goal, to give you the BEST time of your life, NO matter how short it will be.

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Filed under Despair, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, On Death & Dying

Last Chance Came Callin’ My Name

Here comes my last chance…

Last chance came callin’ my name, it’s got the voice of the sirens that lured those sailors into the rocks, and I’m all too drawn into it.  Last chance came callin’ my name, and, I can’t deny IT its ONE last F-U-C-K on me, after all, after this one final FUCK, it will be gone, and I’d be rid of it completely, right?  W-R-O-N-G, because there will ALWAYS be a “one more time” with last chance.

Last chance came callin’ my name, and I didn’t know how to keep it out, and, as it got closer, I’d become weaker, as last chance already KNEW me so well, and it was able to utilize all of ITS knowledge about me and used it against me, and so, naturally, I still didn’t turn it away.

After I allowed that one last chance to come back in, I started hating myself for allowing it to do so, and, I just keep on beating myself up over that, and, when last chance left me heartbroken, I’d sworn up and down that it will NEVER be allowed to come back in again, but, it did came back, and, I went soft again, and I’d started beating myself up all over again, and I’m just TRAPPED in this NONSTOP cycle of abuse with absolutely NO way O-U-T, because of this ONE last chance, because how that was appealing to me…

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