Tag Archives: letting go

Wanting to Keep Tabs on My Child’s Whereabouts at All Times

The problem still lies with the parents here, translated…

Li and Chun had kids who were friends since kindergarten, until college did they go their separate ways.  Every time they’d talked about how they’d communicated with their own kids, they’d shown worries.  Li said that ever since her son went out-of-district for college, he’d gotten so involved with extracurricular activities, and every time he’d gone out to party at night, he’d lied to her about it, until one time he’d gotten into a car wreck, she’d received a call from his disciplinary officer in school, that, was when she knew about what her son was up to.

Chun said that her son also went off to college, and at first, when he’d left home to stay in the schools, he was very into the welcoming activities as well, and would rode on motorcycles with his friends all ove4r the places.  She’d reminded him to tell her where he was going, at first, her son followed it, but one time, he’d said that he was going to ride his motorcycle from Yunlin to Taichung to the night market, Chun’s husband was strictly against it, and ever since that time, their son never tell them his whereabouts again.

The two mothers both complained on how little did the children know of their worries, that they didn’t know what to do.  I’d told them, that my two kids who’d graduated from college are just like theirs, that from before, I’d also worried about them, every time I’d inquired, we’d gotten into a huge disagreement about it.  My daughter told me, “mom!  I’m already in college, don’t bug me so much, otherwise, I will NOT tell you anything, plus, I’m away, you can’t see me.”

Since that time, I’d changed my way, and used a softer method, whenever my daughter says she’s going somewhere, I’d just told her to be safe, and my child loved interacting with me this way too.

As parents, we’d often have our kids’ safety in mind, but, the children will feel that we’re nagging them, and so, DO slam on the brakes, parents.

The two of them heard my advice, and felt that it was a good way, at least, they can reduce the conflicts.  If the parents just prohibited, and the children will learn to NOT tell the parents, and the parents are going to worry even more.

And so, this just shows you, that YOU parents are the ones who need to GROW UP, and your kids are old enough to know better, and, when you doubt them like that, that merely means that you’re INSECURE about your own teaching them to behave themselves.

Leave a comment

Filed under Bad Parenting Behaviors, Cause & Effect, Lessons, Life, Observations, Parent-Child Interactions, Parenting/Parenthood

The Bridge

Translated…

Being the eldest son, his father had a fortune-teller do his charts.  His life was supposed to end at age forty-five, and, the fortune-teller told him that if he’d done good deeds, then, maybe, he could extend his life to fifty-five, at most.

At age forty, he’d gone out, to have the dates read, and, he’d had to check out the days to get his own hair cuts, he’d become extremely superstitious.  In a few more years, he’d gotten asthmatic, with a TON of ailments, angered easily, and he was sick the majority of his days, and, allowed his field to go to waste.

At age forty-five, he’d finally let it go.  He’d helped patched up the roads by the side of his own field that his neighbors trampled down, and gone to the river by the front of his house, and put rocks into it, to make crossing over to the other side easier for people.  The flood came, washed the stones away, and, before the waters receded, he’d gone out into the streams, and put those stones back again.  The river became over flown, he’d chopped the bamboos, to make a bridge, and had added the rails, so the children who pass through to go to school wouldn’t fall.  When the waterway was too wide and too deep, he’d made bamboo baskets, filled them up with rocks, and then, he’d made handrails using the bamboo growing along the sides of the river, and added the handrails too.  I’d helped him tied the cages from the bamboo together, to allow him to go into the icy, cold waters, to place the stones into the river, when I did this, he was already in his sixties.  Or, maybe, it’s building the bridge, it’d not only cured his asthma, and he’d firmed up his muscle tone too.  I’d heard, that before the day he’d passed, he’d still gone to the fields, and moved over ten basket full of vegetables.  He was seventy-three years old.

When I left home for school and to enlist, I’d never wondered who was there to help him till his land.  Decades after his death, there was an exhibition, and, in the paintings, there were five children that belonged to his older brother, some are sitting on the bridge, with a hat, splashing the waters around, it was very beautiful.  But the bridge……………too simplistic.  The bridge was already slanted, without the railings, probably from his elder years, when he had to finish the bridge on his own.

Looking at the painting, I was, all of a sudden, reminded, of how as I’d carried his photo in the Hurst, as we were about to drive across the bridge in the village, the Buddhist master told us to call out, “Dad—we’re passing over the bridge now!  Walk slowly, and don’t fear.”

And so, this, is how one passes on his legacy, and, the fortuneteller, telling the man that he will have a very short-lived life is probably why he’d spent his life, doing as much good as he could, and, he was troubled by the words too, but, when he’d gotten older, he’d set his own mind free, and started to do good things, NOT because he wanted to prolong his life, but because he wanted to, and, with that change of attitude, he no longer feared, and when he’d died, he’d died, a good man, in other people’s minds………

Leave a comment

Filed under Despair, Lessons, Life, Observations, Old Age, On Death & Dying, The Observer Effect, Translated Work, Wake Up Calls, Writing

A Mother Who’s Full of Wisdom

Raising the kids up right, translated…

When I was younger and just entered the workforce, my child was still very young, and gotten sick a lot, and it’d stressed me out completely.  Every time I’d seen those older colleagues, with children all grown, in the workforce, or already married, I’d envied them all very much.  But my coworker told me, “Don’t envy me, when your child is grown, then, you’d know, that we’d have worries about them across the times.”

Turns out, the years DO fly, my colleagues are all retired, and I’d already marched into old age.  And for now, my children too, are all grown, my eldest daughter graduated from college, and work’s well for her, but, she’d loved, being a geek, stay at home whenever she’s NOT at work, zoomed in to her computer, I couldn’t make a sound.  I’d worried that she was still just as student from before, that she might make some bad friends, and couldn’t rationally deal with issues between a guy and a girl yet, and thinking back, my worries from back then were overrated.  And now, my daughter’s lack of interests away from home, that, is really worrying me.

Recently, my daughter told me, that she’d planned to head out to Australia to work-vacate, she’d told me flat out, that she is now, responsible, for herself now.  All of this, I know, in theory, but, she is, after all, a woman, and I couldn’t help but worry about her safety!

And, I was reminded, of what my colleague said to me, and, my heart just let go, it’s so true.  Haha!  Why am I, a mom, still getting trapped by my own worries, isn’t there a line somewhere that said that “children will have their own separate life paths!”, it’s weird, where did that knowledge go all these years?

Tomorrow, I will call up my old friends, to hold conversations, it would be more worthwhile, to do that, than to keep troubling myself on something useless and pointless, isn’t it?

And so, this parent had a change of thought, and, she’d stopped worrying, after all, there’s NO way you can EVER know, how your children’s lives will turn out, unless you know yourselves like I know me, and, that, is what the woman had learned, to finally, letting go.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life, Parenting/Parenthood

My Son Wants to be an Indian Laurel Fig

The education of the young, translated…

After my son went into his last year of middle school, he’d failed to keep up with his grades, and took a lazy approach to learning too, and would often act UP against my requests; if I nagged him a little, he would tune me out completely, and I’d start arguments with him because of it.

One day, we’d gotten into it on grades again.  He said to me, “I’d found, that my interests are not in the studies, so, it would be natural, for me to not study well, to not perform well in class, because I’m uninterested in the books”.  And he’d continued, “Like how everybody is born different, like how the ordinary Indian laurel fig will NEVER become the precious hinoki.  Comparing to the thousand year old red hinoki, I’d rather be a fully blooming Indian laurel fig, to give shelters to the birds that nest, to allow those tired travelers to find a place of cool, so, why don’t you just STOP nagging me and forcing me to live your way, and just give me your blessings!”

Even though, I’d always known, that my son’s future is NOT built on his academia, but, because a certain of maternal duty, along with some vanity, I’d totally disregarded his good points, kept hoping and expecting that he would have outstanding grades, to the point that I overlooked his good qualities completely.  Until I’d heard him out, I’d realized, shockingly, that my high-pressure way of pushing him might have killed his futures, and, maybe, letting go and showing supports is the BEST way to educate one’s own child.

And so, the parent here, was taught a lesson by the child, and, it is naturally, for parents, to want their kids to perform better scholastically, after all, that, is what their earlier years are all about, doing well in school, so they can get into a better school, but, this mother had finally seen the son’s angle, and hopefully, she won’t push him as hard anymore, I mean, he is, making high enough grades to pass, right?  Then, shouldn’t that be enough, after all, he should have the right, to chase after HIS own dreams, instead of living out yours.

Leave a comment

Filed under Changing Tracks, Child Development/Education of Children, Education

Learning How to Climb Up the Stairs

A VERY important lesson, for the younger children out there, translated…

A few days ago, my child who’d only started to stumble climbed up the stairs, but, he’d just gotten through the first three steps, and was already calling me.

I looked over at him, keep turning his head backwards, guessing that he’s afraid of the heights, but didn’t know how he could get back down again, and so, I’d thought of going over, and carrying him up, but, the elders in my neighborhood started telling me that it wasn’t the right thing to do, “Children need to learn to stand up on their own, let him climb back down on his own.”  “Allow him to know what fear is, so, he can have the experience to carry him through his life, to NOT do something that he couldn’t handle.”

Everybody seemed to know what s/he was talking about, but, I couldn’t bear, to stand hear him cry, I’d still walked over to my son, asked him gently, what, was the matter?  Without knowing, that he saw how I was standing behind him, didn’t ask me to carry him, instead, it’s like he’d gained the courage, climbed toward the second floor on his own.  As he’d reached the second floor, he’d gladly hugged me, and jumped up and down, as if the two of us had conquered the top one hundred tallest of mountains in Taiwan.

The results gave me a deep understanding, that a LOT of the seemingly right ways of education, may not actually, be fitting to the children, if I’d not showed my hands to my child when he’d needed me to, and allowed him to holler and scream out of fear, then, maybe, he would NEVER have the courage, to go anywhere NEAR that staircase again.  Maybe, a lot of parents believe, that this, would make the child behave, but actually, this way of teaching would force the children to lose their sense of adventure, and the children’s trust in the parents would NO longer be there either!
And so, the mother took the words of the elders, to let go, and, being a first time mother, it would be hard, to watch a child who’d only begun to stumble, actually fall, but, it’s a part of letting go, something we all have to do, and this mother had successfully helped her son establish his own self-confidence, giving him the courage.

Leave a comment

Filed under Child Development/Education of Children, Childhood, Expectations, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Parenting/Parenthood

Respect the People Your Children are Dating

It’s their lives, their choices, so, laissez-faire already, after all, they ARE, grownups, aren’t they???  Translated…

After I’d hung up the phone, ended this warm conversation with my daughter, I feel much, much, MUCH better already.

Recalling just about a year ago, I’d sent her off to the U.S to further her education myself, within a month of living abroad, she’d started dating a classmate who’s nine years older than she is, and she’d kept the relationship hidden from us too.  This all-too-intelligent child of ours, since she was younger, had never had us worried for her at all, without knowing, that our tests, as her parents, are just about to begin……….

Still recalled how two, three years ago, when my best friend got into a spat over how her daughter was dating a Canadian, causing too much tension between the couple, and the parent-child too, and, in the midst of this madness, I’d just wanted to offer my opinion, without knowing, that I’d gotten so trapped by the same situations so soon too.

And, I’d gotten that agitated tone of voice as I’d talked on the phones with my daughter, and I feel her drifting, further away from me more and more quickly.  In a couple of months, my body started acting up, I’d lost control over my emotions, lost a lot of sleep, causing my own blood pressures to be on the rise.  I, who had been naturally healthy asked myself, “What’s happened to me?  Am I this easily beaten?”

One day, my mom called to console me, “Huei-Wen!  Children will have their own fates, they all have their separate affinities, maybe it’s a debt owed from a previous life, that’s meant to be paid UP in this lifetime.  Back then, when your grandmother called me back home, to find me a husband, I’d denied her that, because I feel this strong connection to your dad.”
“Oh!  So my daughter’s rebelliousness came from you.”  Even though, this was spoken out as a joke, it’d lessened the pressures I was feeling.

Then, mom told me, “Give children more blessings, worry less about them, respect her choice, love her choice, that way, they’d be closer to our hearts.”
This, just shocked me, these familiar words, I too, had mouthed to people around me, how could I not see that!  Only through me letting go, would my daughter feel free, and, for the sake of my own health, I must make this change first, to learn to accept and respect, after all, our daughter is a grown woman already, she should take responsibilities for her own actions, this lesson in parent-child interaction, we shall manage together then!

This, is what I wanted to say to my daughter, “My dearest child, so long as you love him, we, as parents, would love him like you do!”

And so, this woman in the end, because of her mother, repeating what she said to another friend, finally let go, and, it is important, that you, the PARENTS respect who we, the kids, are dating, after all, it IS, our lives, and, IF we made a mistake, so long as it’s NOT deadly, then, we’ll learn from it, so, just relax, and let everything roll, and, have FAITH, that your kids will make the right choices, and if they don’t?  So what?  They’d get that BUMP on their heads, and that will eventually heal too.

Leave a comment

Filed under Expectations, Family Matters, Interactions Shared with the World, Life, Marriages, Translated Work