Tag Archives: Humor

The Man on the Park Bench

An accidental death here, translated…

A man, lying, on the park bench.  The trees in the park is shading, with the scent and fumes of the flowers, hovering the air.  Someone passes by with a child, the child, with balloons in his hands, floating up in the air.  Hearing it very closely, it’s as if, there’s the sound, of the seeds, being adrift.  That man lay on the lounge chair, seemingly peaceful too, also enjoying the flow of the season.

A few days later, the man who lay on the lounge chair, is still fast asleep, peacefully, just as he was a few days ago.  However, in the nearby shadows of the trees, there seemed to be something in the air, flying around.

It’s been a week, the newscaster stated in such pain, that the man on the bench had finally, given off a smell, foul enough, for the park manager to find him, the already rancid and rotten scent.  Based off of what the newscaster heard, the flower still gave off that aromatic scent, the park still, with the shadows of the trees, swaying…

And so, this, is the death of someone who didn’t matter to anybody else, and, he’d been dead for a very long time, until his dead corpse started rotting and give off of that rancid smell, did the attendee of the park finally found him, and that still just shows, how little life mattered, how everything goes…

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Filed under Cost of Living, Expectations, Life, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, White Picket Fence

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Translated…

A western dining restaurant that was hit by the bad oils, because of the owner, not handling the matter delicately enough, he’d managed, to insult the press, and, the negative reports by the press, had kept the consumers away, it was, nine thirty in the evening, and, there was, just that one customer who was dining there still.  The three tables that were from six in the evening, they’d only ordered up seven sets of foods, and, after they’d paid the tabs, they’re out by seven thirty.

“On the soups, we suggest that you first, test it out.”  As the young woman brought the items, brought the food over to the table, she’d said, carefully. “Why test drink?”, the guest inquired.

“Because if you, our VIP thought that the item or the taste wasn’t to your satisfaction, or maybe it’s too hot or too cold, we will change it for you.”

It’s such a shock!  If the services of the restaurant had always been so kind, how can they possibly offend anybody.

“For the salads, I’m going to add the dressings for you right now.”

“On the entrée, I will be slicing the meat apart for you.”

Every time he’d come, the waitress must broadcast the words over again, and, it sounded as if she didn’t understand the meanings of the words she’s speaking, like it was all, memorized!  The customer asked, “How long did it take you, to memorize all of these lines?”

The young woman became stiff for a few seconds, and, was stunned, by this scene that befell before her, after searching for a bit, she’d found, some usable files.  “Yes, most valued guest, the workers here had passed through thorough employee training, and interned for over three months each.”

The core of the restaurant, is food, accompanied by the services, is, giving the guests an amicable dining experience.  The overplanned languages, is causing the excess troubles, or maybe, they’re trying to hide something, perhaps?

“How long had you been working?”

“Five…five days…”

“After the three-month trial period, are you confident, that you will become, formally employed?”

“I am, already, a formal employee, I’d passed my trial period, I’m already working, in the ‘movement’ of a formal employee now.”

Holy!  It’s totally been destroyed, a young person, became incorporated into the actions of getting a job.  At which time, two men entered through the doors from the outside, waved to the guest that was here.  “I should be going now.”, he’d said, with a relief.

“What about your desserts and drink?  Do I need to, pack it all up for you”

“No, it’s not necessary, call your store manager, to perform an action of coming out here.”

The young waitress is now, panicky, because she couldn’t find a file, with the way to reply to the man’s requests, “Our most valued customer, are you going to pay with cash, or credit card?”

“Who says anything about paying?”, the man still kept up the stance of a customer, “You’d only been working for just five days, you can go now, call your store manager out here, we’re about to perform an action called robbery.”

Yeah, this is funny all right, isn’t it???  And, it still just shows, how the corporations out there are still training their employees to become ROBOTS, and, IF a well-trained monkey CAN perform your job functions, then, chances will be, that you will get replaced, by a WELL-TRAINED monkey, after all, your bosses don’t even HAVE to pay those well-trained monkeys with dollars and cents, they can pay those primates with BANANAS!

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Filed under Cost of Living, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Socialization, Translated Work

Happily Ever After without the Prince

Uh, hello, who the FUCK (like I said, this ain’t YO grannies’ fairytale!!!) says, that we women MUST have a prince, in order to live up to our separate happily ever afters???

Snow doesn’t need her Prince Charming to kiss her, to wake her up, the Seven Dwarfs all kissed her on the cheeks once, and, she became wide AWAKE!  Plus, it’s ALWAYS best to be kissed by friends, rather than “sucking FACE” with an IDIOT, isn’t it?

The Little Mermaid still gets intrigued by human objects, and, her curiosities were satisfied by the lighthouse keeper, who gave HER a lesson in NOT making her families worry about her, and, after she’d served her “term” in being grounded, he’d still placed those human objects into the currents, and, the currents still took those human things to her down under.

We ALL know what happened to Rapunzel already, so, I do NOT need to “cover” that part of the “woods” again.  After Sleeping Beauty fell into that deep slumber, she’d slept for an ETERNITY, because she was, the Insomniac Princess, and, being in a COMA gives her the chance, to finally catch UP on something she desperately needed: sleep.

And that bookworm, Belle, she’d tamed ALL the beast through reading, and using her wild imagination, and so, needless to say, she won’t be needing the Beast who was cursed from a Prince because he’d offended an old lady.

After the clock struck twelve, Cindy went back to her stepmother’s house, and lived her life, forever, as their maid, but, after her stepmother died, her stepsisters paid her well, so…

One thing still stayed the same though: and they ALL lived happily ever after, in their separate fairytale endings, as for that moronic ASShole?  Rumor has it, he got lost in the fairytale forest and got gobbled up (not like the Seven Little Sheep, Little Red & Granny Red) and this time, the Big Bad Wolf remembered to CHEW his food T-H-R-O-U-G-H-L-Y, because the last few times he didn’t, he’d ended up, paying that all too high a price: getting his stomach chopped open by the Lumberjack Dude, along with the Mama Sheep!)

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Filed under Awareness, Gender Roles, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Queen Tina's Fables, Story-Telling

Why Does He Take His Hat Off?

On parent-child interactions, translated…

On my birthday, I’d told the kids, that when I thought about my own age, I’d get shell-shocked; normally, I wouldn’t come to my sense, of how old I really actually am.

In order to make my kids feel “at ease”, I’d immediately told them, “But, I don’t need to feel old yet, because I’d meet up with people in their nineties from time to time.” Two days ago, I was on the bus with my younger sister, there was an elderly woman with mobility difficulties boarding, a gray-haired gentleman stood up, and let the elderly woman have his seat; but I saw how my seat would be closer and more convenient for the elderly woman to sit in, and so, I’d stood up.

The elderly woman sat down, my younger sister called me to sit down at the opposite empty seat, and the older gent, he just had white hair, he’s really not that old at all.

That’s true, the man also signaled that I should sit down; after I sat, I felt kind of uneasy, gladly, the seat next to my sister opened up, and so, I quickly moved, and gave the seat back to that gray-haired gentleman.

My younger sister said that I was playing Musical Chairs.  The elderly man who sat beside the gray-haired man looked at me running back and forth, felt it was very fun, said that Taiwan is filled with kindness, that while he lived at his son’s home in Hong Kong, he’d never seen anybody who’d stood up to let someone have the seats; and in China, they don’t have that tradition either.

Then he’d told me, “I couldn’t let my seat for anybody, I’m already ninety-one!”

My sister, I, along with the gray-haired man all hollered that he doesn’t look that elderly at all.  In his Bermuda shorts, sneaker, looking energetic.  He said that he’d had a dinner date with a friend then, they went out for coffee.  My continual awe had gotten him more worked up; in order to prove he wasn’t lying about his age, he’d taken his hat off, to show me that it’s true.  And, his hair thinned out, and he does look his age without his hat.

After I’d told my kids the story, my son asked me, “Why does he take his hat off, can you see his years, like the trees?”

Kids really DO say the darnest things, don’t they?  And that, would be a very honest reaction, and, I’m sure that the parents had a laugh over this too.

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Filed under Family Matters, Interpersonal Relations, Parent-Child Interactions

The Head Gangster

Translated…

He, dressed in black shirt, black slacks, followed close to the head gangster, looked very fierce.  Two minutes later, a do over, he’d stood in front once more, it was, a perfect performance.  Exited the scenes, stepped away from the cameras, his cell rang.  Boss, boss, our goods, were stolen.  Do we, go after them, kill them all now.

This is still ironic, because the man who played a small-scale gangster is actually the leader of a gang in real life, and that, is just how things are in life, sometimes, the roles you take up, is exactly opposite of the roles you take in reality.  You’re merely putting on a show, and life’s like that, a lot of the times, isn’t it?

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Filed under Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Reality Clashes with Dreams, Translated Work

Evidence

Translated…

“Will your wife find out about us?”

“Don’t worry, we’d been very careful, she couldn’t even find a strand of hair.”  He’d hugged on to her waist and told her, “without evidence, she could only keep doubting, she can’t do anything about us.”

Ten months later, his plans failed to a witness.

And, guess W-H-O the witness is?  His illegit, of course, and that, is the loser’s mistake, he failed to realize, that if you FUCK without a god DAMN condom, and the woman is NOT on birth control, then, chances will be, that she is easily knocked UP, and now, his EX-wife will have all the evidence she will ever need, to SUE him for adultery!

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Filed under Bad Behaviors, Commiting Adultery, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Excuses, Infidelities/Being Unfaithful, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Observations, Perspectives, Self-Deceptions, Stupidity, Translated Work, Trends, Wake Up Calls

Romeo & Juliet

Here’s how it would go if I were to rewrite the script…

Soon-to-be-Ex: (speaking in a high pitched voice) Romeo, Romeo, where art thou my Romeo

Me: (getting pissed b/c in the middle of something): what the f*** are you doing, dumbass??? Do you not see that I am in the middle of something here??? Do you really NOT know how I hate to be interrupted when I am in the middle of something???

Soon-to-Be Ex (holding a pot roast chicken, in his cute mittens): I just wanted to tell you that dinner will be served in just a minute is all, don’t get angry…

Me: well, the pot roast better contain arsenic because you are just way too annoying…

Soon-to-Be Ex (going through the cupboards, trying to find that tiny bottle worth of poison): found it!!!

Me (taking it from him, opening up the dropper, but it is empty): hey I thought we had no more rats in the house…

Soon-to-Be Ex: yeah, we don’t, we killed them for dinners remember???

Me:(Questioned look on my face): where is my gun, I want to shoot someone!!!

Soon-to-be-Ex (found my rifle, hands it to me): here you go, dear, are you going huntin’ in the woods??? (inquisitive nature of a child…)

Me: (Still maintaining my cool), goes outside and commits suicide, but was unable to, because the bullets got jammed

Soon-to-be-Ex, upon hearing shots fired (runs hurriedly outside to see if I was okay): do we need to take you to a doctor???

Me (Getting Up): No thank you, thinking to myself, oh man, why they hell can’t I even die, I mean R & J both ended up dead, at least that was what I had read back in my H.S. days,  unless there is a hidden act where they both mysteriously come alive from the dead, and rule the underworld together…

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Filed under Humor