Tag Archives: Catharsis

The Lies of the Ninth

The memories of trauma, suppressed, because the individual, was way too young, and, something DID happen, maybe, just not the version of the story that this person had told, to her/his, adult counterparts, translated…

There was something that happened when I was younger, that impacted me, something that’s, a part of, my chaotic memories…

At nine, my mother wanted me to test into the GT classes of an all-star elementary school, that’s, farther away from where I used to live, I’d gotten in, and, she’d, transferred me there.

On the first day of school, as I arrived home, I’d told her, that I was, almost, abducted by a bad guy, there was, a woman in a covered up motorcycle helmet that told me she’d brought the lunches for my mother to me.  I’d told my mother: back then, I was playing outside the gates of my school, and the woman asked me to go with her, I’d felt that something wasn’t quite right, because mom wouldn’t do that, and I’d, run scared, back to the school.  But, I wasn’t, acquainted with my new school yet, it took me, a long time, to finally, get back into my class.

As I’d told, I’d, started crying scared.  My mother was shocked, the very next day, she’d, called up the school, as well as the Department of Education to, we’d, almost gotten the case on the press; within a week’s time I was, transferred, back to my former school again.

But actually, this, was a story I’d, made up.

illustration from UDN.com圖/豆寶

There were, two primary motives of me lying: to find a justifiable reason for me heading into school ate, and find a way to go back to my former school, that’s not based off of “I don’t want to go to my new school”.

Two years ago, with my deep-rooted guilt, I’d, told my parents this truth, admitted that I was, lying to them from back when in the family therapist’s office, and I’d, made up the stories, from an illustrated book my parents bought for me, “I Have a Way”, and, the details of what the woman whom I’d told had, tried to take me away, came from the illustration of a person in a helmet, trying, to take a child away in the pages.

Because my story was, fully-thought out, without any flaws, to the point, that my parents, as well as the staff members of the school all thought it was, true, for almost, twenty years.

Do children who read, really behave themselves?  The knowledge I’d gained from reading, taught me how to commit a crime.

And yet, up to recently, I’d felt, chaotic of this memory.

There was a part of me that felt, that might there have been, something that’s, happened to me, even though it may not have been, the version of the stories I’d told?  How else, would I come up with, the specific details, including what the woman sounded like, what she was dressed in, what her scooter looked like…………

The me at nine years old, I’d, watched the scenes, played on in my mind, as I’d, “retold” my mother what had, happened (and if I remembered correctly, the highest scoring section of my G.T. exams was in the “thinking skills in space and images”).  And, I’d, started crying like there was, no tomorrow, to the point I was, trembling hard, if I were lying, then, how come I had, such physiological response?  Could it be, that I’d, fooled myself into believing?  Or, had there actually, been something that’s, too awful, too shocked, for the me at age nine to accept?  So I’d, forgotten, and, altered this memory of mine, to make it, fictitious?

Several years ago, I’d gone to a hypnosis therapy session, to deal with the problem of ‘feeling a ton of pain, but I can’t cry”.  This was, completely opposite to the me at nine, who’d, “made up a story, that’s, false, and cried like it actually, happened.”

And yet, at the physical classes, I’d shown, the “reflexive response outbursts” in crying, as the coach helped me to relax my diaphragm, I’d, started, wailing hard, it was, a sort of cry, from the depth of my body.

The coach told me, that the diaphragm is a place where, “unresolved emotions are, stored”, so, there may be, some sort of, very deep trauma from long ago, that’s still, not yet, entered, into my consciousness, stayed still inside of my body.

I’d instinctively felt, that in the lies I’d told when I was nine, there might have been something, that’s made me stuck, as a twenty-nine year-old, grown up right now.

So, something definitely happened to you, because of the physiological response of your body, and this sort of a response only comes, when the body had, experienced, something that’, extremely, traumatic, so, maybe something HAD, happened to you at age nine, just not as you’d, remembered it, being almost abducted by a stranger, maybe, it was, something else, that’s, more serious, because the body, it, NEVER lies, and it’s, up to this individual, to dig even deeper, if s/he can, to find out exactly, what had, happened to her/him in his childhood years, and resolve what happened to her/him, piece, by piece.  And, until this person resolved everything, s/he will, always, have that thing that’s, blocking her/his path, from reaching her/his, full potential.

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Betrayals, Getting Exposed Too Young, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Life, Loss, Mental Health Issues, Perspectives, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories

Reliving the Traumas of Your Childhood Years

This, is what you’ll ALWAYS and FOREVER BE doing, until you’d dealt with everything!  Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, you have NO other options but to, because growing up, you were never given the time, to cope, to deal, with the losses of your youthful careers, and now, all of that’s caught up to you.

Reliving the traumas of your childhood years, you will, until you’d finally figured it all out, the origins of your pains, and, come to your senses about how those two people who should love you, never had, and, that, is the cruel, cold truth that you will get murdered by, as I’d already been MURDERED by the same things already.

Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, and, until you can, feel ALL those emotions that you’d prevented yourselves from experiencing fully and completely, you will NEVER be able, to get out of the darkness you live in.  Reliving the traumas of your childhood, you must, because if you don’t, you will NEVER realize and come to acceptance that you’d been damaged, and that, you were, BEYOND repair!

Reliving the traumas of your childhood careers, you will, but, you can’t, because even AT the “tender” (yeah, you’ve GOT to be SHITTING me here!!!) age of SIXTY, you still can’t admit that you had abused your own offspring, like your parents had abused you, because, they were beaten up, physically, by their own adoptive parents, and this sort of SHIT will keep getting passed down from one generation to the next, until someone takes notice, and change, but, can someone be intelligent enough, to realize one’s own mistakes, admit to it (without apologizing!), and change?  Yeah, I’ll get back to you on that, sometime, in the future………

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Filed under Bad Parenting Behaviors, Being Exposed, Broken Promises, Bullying, Cause & Effect, Children Murdered, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Despair, Excuses, Getting Exposed Too Young, Growing Up Too Fast, Innocence Lost, Issues of the Society, Loss, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Tragedies in the World, Trends, Wake Up Calls, Wrongful Deaths

Tears

Found online, translated…

It’s been a long time, since I really cried, and tonight, I had, cried like HELL…

So, why, did I cry?  Because I’d screwed up my romance, my friendships, and I’d also, made, a HUGE mess of my interpersonal relationships.

It seems, that nothing I do, is ever right.  That there’s no way, of pleasing everyone.  Everything I did, was wrong.  I just, can’t get satisfied with life.  

I want to change, but, nobody gives me the time, to make these changes to myself slowly, bit, by bit.  No matter how hard I’d tried, I can’t, satisfy anybody.  And in return for my efforts, I just, have to, keep on, proving myself, keep on, arguing with you.  I’m so scared, fears took over my entire being now.  I feel sad, feel broken, what else, can I do, what is there, for me, to do?

Just let go, give the other person a break, and, set yourselves free too.

Tonight, I’m halting, EVERY single ONE of my interpersonal interactions, right here, right now.

And I will, restart, anew again, tomorrow morn.

And so, you DO feel that sense of being beaten, that strong sense of helplessness, right?  And, this narrator is just, running into dead ends, s/he’d WRECKED her/his brains out, trying to find the answers, and, at the end, the narrator just, gives up, and hopefully, after a goodnight’s sleep, the individual will gain a brand new perspective to his problems from the night previous…

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Perspectives, Properties of Life

Watching My Past Unfold, Before My Eyes

All those moments, I’d forgotten about, all rushed BACK up to the surface, and, they’d escalated, became this HUGE tsunami wave, that came, crashing down on me…

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, it was, as if I’m merely an observer, to the atrocities that had happened to me, I’d tried to scream, but, no sound came from my mouth, I’d felt that hurt, that pain, that betrayal that was so deep once more.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d tried, to keep the perspectives of an outsider, someone who’s totally and completely, UNINVOLVED in the matters, but I just couldn’t, I’d felt that knife, cutting into my all over again.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, all of a sudden, I’d found myself, in the midst of this raging storm, I’d screamed, HARD as I possibly could, but, the loudness of the bad weather, well, they’d drowned out my cries.

Watching my past unfold before my eyes, I’d weathered through all these horrible storms, and now, as the storms calmed back down, I can finally, go back the path where the storms came, and, start to, pick up all those broken pieces, hopefully, I could, piece everything back together, again………

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Downward Spiral, Healing Process, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Letting Go, Life, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Overcoming Obstacles, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization, Story-Telling, Suppressed Memories, Vicious Cycle

Escaping from the Storms Inside

How, can someone, escape from the storm inside?  I really don’t have a clue!

Escape from the storms inside, it’s really getting scary, as the skies became totally darkened, and the thunder, lightning, along with the flood warnings that are headed my way.  Escape from the storms inside, I wonder, if I can, build me a hard enough house (like that Third Little Pig), so the strong winds won’t HUFF & PUFF, and BLOW me away.

Escape from the storms inside, these storms had been raging inside of me, for god knows how long now, and, I still can’t get to the sources of them, so, how can I, make them all stop, if I can’t even figure out WHY, exactly it is, that I’m living under these darkened clouds???

Escape from the storms inside, it won’t be easy, but I’d already done it, picked myself up, after they’d punched me down (not literally though…), just like that Bobo Doll, and now, IF someone DARES try to punch me, well, let’s just say, that s/he will have HELL to PAY, for messing with me!

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Healing Process, Life, Observations, Properties of Life

His Tear-Stained Shirt Sleeves & Collar

His shirt sleeves and collar, were stained, with his tears, he couldn’t recall how that happened, because he’d never cried once in his entire adult life!

His tear-stained shirt sleeves and collar, those were, accumulated tears of his childhood, his adolescence, his young adulthood, his adulthood, along with his own senior years, and, through the years, the tears accumulated and, became stains on his shirt sleeve and collars, and now, he just can’t clean them off anymore.

His tear-stained shirt sleeves and collar, he’d retraced his own steps, and finally, he was able, to recall the very first tear that started the entire staining process.  It was, from when he was beaten up by his parents, for doing absolutely nothing wrong, that, was the night that world came to an end for him, he’d played out passed his supper hours, and, he failed to realize how late it was, and when he realized, he ran home quick, but it was too late, his mama already told his pops, and, that night was awful, he’d endured a beating, and was sent to bed without supper too.

That, was the memory that made everything clear up, because after he’d recalled that first “injury”, he’d remembered many more that came after that one.

Now, he’d wiped his own adult tears away, because, he had, already cried for the child that lived inside of him, given that kid a peace of mind, and the child inside no longer cried nonstop, as he had done earlier on in his life………

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Filed under Growing Up Too Fast, Healing Process, Maturation, Properties of Life, Socialization