Tag Archives: Bildungsroman

Working Hard, to Gain Their Fathers’ Approvals

Call it, a bildungsroman if you want to…

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, and, that was ALL they’d ever wanted, to have their fathers’ proud looks as they’d talked about their children, but, that never came.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, they’d done that, and yet, in the very end, they still, didn’t quite, measure up, because their fathers had, set that god DAMN bar too high, because their own fathers too, set those bars too high.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, and, as they’d become fathers themselves, they’d become exact COPIES of their own fathers too, making it hard, for their own offspring, to gain their approval.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, because as children, we ALL need to see that reflection of pride, in our parents’ eyes, but, that, is something we will NEVER see, reflected, back at us, all we will EVER see is, that hint of disappointment, knowing, that we didn’t do well enough, and, we’re belittled, by our own fathers, just as, they were, belittled by their fathers before them…

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Expectations, Parent-Child Interactions, Vicious Cycle

When You’d Become the Epilogue to My Life

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, boy, oh boy, am I SCREWED or what?  ‘cuz there’s just NOT going to be a rightfully-deserved, rightfully-earned, happily ever after, endowed to me.

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, then, I might as well, just burn this book up, because I already know how it’s gonna end with you.  You’ll end up like him, abusive toward me, with absolutely ZERO clue of what you’d done, and, you’ll keep on, mistaking your abuse toward me as love, just as that former M***ER F***ER had too, because, you stupid BOYS just, NEVER learn!

When you’d become the epilogue to my life, well, then, maybe, I should, close this book of mine called “life”, and, toss it, into that “Burn pile”, consisting of BAD books I didn’t read through the covers thoroughly enough before buying them, or maybe, I should, TEAR up all those pages, and, use it for calculations’ sake, yeah, that’d be making use of something that’s completely, U-S-E-L-E-S-S, that, is what I’ll do then………

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Filed under Cost of Living, Life, Marriages, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Values

Voices Left, the Markers of Childhood

Memories from a long time ago, translated…

Childhood, when televisions weren’t found in every household, and all the memories we captured, are mostly from the radios, from the capturing of sounds.

Differentiating the channels and the voices.  The forceful Taiwanese words like “This is getting serious folks, will the Tien-Ding Liao get caught or not………”  “Come get the medicines for your stomachs, guaranteed to work for you, the black label……” etc., the sponsors of the programs from the local radio stations.

As for, the perfectly pronounced, annunciated, melodious, all belonged to the set stations on the radios.  For instance, “The Sensible Time”, hosted by Lee, “The Stars Tonight”, by In, along with “Western Popular Music”, with Yu, the “Silent Night” for the midnights, etc., etc., etc., they’d all accompanied me through my nights of study, sailed with me through my youthful days.

The accompaniment of the oldies, through the melodies, it’d made me realize just how far the world in the distant is, it’d broken the boundaries of the universe, I got the chance of soaring high on the music, and allowed my imaginations to run wild.

The age of sound keeping, even thought the island is closed in on itself, we still heard the flowers bloom, the moon rise, even the stars, twinkling in the skies…………

And so, in those years, when you didn’t have much of anything, you got satisfied easily, because when you’re given very little, you’d become really grateful, and now???  People are not grateful enough for everything they’d received, and that, is why this article has that “scent” of nostalgia to it.

 

 

 

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Filed under Childhood, Life, Maturation, Socialization

A Place Where Aggression is KING and Violence is LAW

Welcome to my C-A-S-T-L-E, or, rather, it’s my CONCENTRATION camp!!!

A place where aggression is KING and violence is LAW, guess how one survives through this sort of bad environment?  One either turns more violent than the person dishing out the violence, or, s/he will die, because that, is how it goes, and in this place where aggression is king, if you are aggressive, then, you’d be feared, and, it’s like I’d always said, “better to be feared than to be respected!”

In a place where aggression is KING and violence is law, a child learns from her/his aggressor, and, dishes out the abuse s/he received to someone else, and, that, is how the bullied end up becoming the bullies, and there’s NO way to turn this around, because the victim turned aggressor wouldn’t have a CLUE how s/he got where s/he is, and, s/he is only bursting out with pain.

In a place where aggression is KING and violence is law, no citizen is happy, and yet, they feared revolting, partially, because nobody had successfully stood up against aggression, and nobody can BEAT the SHIT out of violence.  In a place where aggression is KING, and violence is law, how do you deal?  Oh wait, you can’t, you just die mentally, while physically, your hearts are still strong as ever, but you WISH you were dead!

 

 

 

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Filed under Abandonment of Children, Abuse, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Messed Up Values, Vicious Cycle

Using LINE to Make Up for the Loss of the Years Before

Is it possible, to connect now, that you’d lost that connection from years before???  I dunno, a tale on Parent-Child interaction, translated…

My daughter who’s going through puberty, had been hardheaded and aloof, it’d made me feel really awful.

She’d complained of how much I nagged her, I’d said that she should show some respect to me, and we’d had nothing to say to one another.  And so, starting in her teens, she’d chosen to head to Australia to study.  Seeing how she’d gone alone toward the departure exit at the airport, I’d not felt unwilling, but I was worried, that she might be okay.  With the advancement in communication technologies, I’d used the web to reconnect with her, and slowly, our connection got linked together once again.  The loneliness in a foreign world, the difficulties she faces away from home, the loss of not having family around her, it’d made my daughter realize that she’d had it good at home, normally, she wouldn’t let her weakness show, but through LINE, she’d slowly showed her softer side to me.  Toward the high tuitions, she’d LINED me “I’d worked hard to earn the scholarships, and if I find work, then, I will have that covered!”, and on my cell phone, the message of “900 grams of tofu is cheaper, I can cook it three times, it’s quite easy”, I’d understood that my daughter knew how to make her life meet, and no longer was she spending every last cent she’d made now.

And, toward how I’d always said I wanted to lose weight but never really quite managed, she’d consoled, “You just couldn’t control your appetite, come on!  Work out more, eat less!  Actually, if you had three square meals a day, you wouldn’t gain weight, because if you ate when you got hungry, your body will totally absorb everything.”, and our connection, in the multitude of messages to and from, became this web of love now.

Turns out, spreading one’s wings to fly is the instincts of children growing up, if the parents held on too tightly, it would destroy the children’s abilities to grow up; turns out, that the distance is not equivalent to aloofness, it could be a sort of an intimate connection.  The advancements in communication technologies had allowed me to see how much my daughter’s grown up in a distant land, and it’d put the love back for us.

And so, the child must strike out on her/his own, to realize, how much the parents really do care for and loved her/him, because when you’re living at home, you take everything as matter of fact, and, once you’d gotten out on your own, you’d have to take care of everything yourselves, and then, you’d started to appreciate what your parents did for you.

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Filed under Communications, Connections, Family Matters, Maturation, Parent-Child Interactions

How Alice Became a Tyrant Like the Queen of Hearts

It’s BOUND to happen, we all know it too, that it was only, a matter of time, before Alice learned the “tricks of the trade” of her keeper…

Alice didn’t use to be so tyrannical like she is now, oh no, there was a time, when she was very easy going, very smooth and mildly mannered, but ever since her “trip” to Wonderland, something has changed in her.

It all started, when someone tried to make her get off the swings at school, she’d fought them off, to get more time on the swings, she’d fisted the other kid, the other kid ended up at the nurse’s office, crying HIS eyes out.  Then, things escalated slowly, like when she’d forgotten to do her own assignments and they were due in class, she bullied another kid (not the same one she’d kicked off the swings), to let her copy her work.

And because Alice got the rewards from her bad behavior, therefore, due to the behaviorist approaches, there’s NOT a chance, that Alice doesn’t turn out like a tyrant like the Queen of Hearts, besides, it’s ALWAYS better to be FEARED, than to be RESPECTED!!!

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Filed under Messed Up Values, Properties of Life

Growing Up Black and White

Growing up, everything WAS (past tense, thank G-O-D, and NO, He still doesn’t exist!!!) black and white, and, NOT even the shades of gray can be seen at all.

Growing up black and white, there’s NO in-betweens, everything was SO clear cut, there was either RIGHT or WRONG, NO sort of rights and sort of wrongs, those, are the simpler times.

Growing up black and white, I soon learned, by my own interactions with the world all around, that NOT everything can be separated, filed, into the categories of black OR white, there are matters that are grays too, and that, became real confusing to me, as I was taught, that the world is either black, OR white!

Growing up black and white, when there’s just right OR wrong, and NO personal emotions or involvements attached, that, was easier for me to deal with, but now, things got complicated, and, I’m finding it hard to cope, as I was dragged out from the black and white “zone” I grew up in, and SHOVED into a colorful world!

Growing up black and white, when there was a simpler time, when NOBODY feared anybody else but her/himself, those, were the good ol’ days, and, where are they now?  I look in the mirror, and I just can’t seem to find…………

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Filed under Being Exposed, Cause & Effect, Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Expectations, Innocence Lost, Lessons, Life, Maturation, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Self-Images, Values, White Picket Fence

Strayed Far, from the Girl I Used to Be

Strayed far, from the girl I used to be, just like Dorothy had, upon her arrival in the Emerald City.  I’d strayed far, from the girl I used to be, and I miss her a lot, but, I have NO way of figuring out how I took her place, or when that had happened…

Strayed far, from the girl I used to be, because I’d grown up, due to the experiences that life had made me take in, and now, everything is NO longer the same, there’s NO way I’ll EVER maintain my innocence, after all, once you’re “tainted”, you ARE, tainted, just like how after your HYMENS get broken, there ain’t NO chance you can EVER “glue” it back up again!!!

Strayed far, from the girl I used to be, I can’t even remember who I was anymore, and without an inkling of a clue of who I was, how will I know where I’m goin’ exactly?  So, yeah, I’ll keep on wandering, L-O-S-T, until one day, by God’s grace (say???), I find me again, the me I’d strayed from a long time ago………

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Filed under Awareness, Being Exposed, Growing Up Too Fast, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Values

With a Shake, Sleeping Beauty Became Insomnia, the Queen

With a shake, Sleeping Beauty became Insomnia, the Queen, and, after Sleeping Beauty loses her “status” as a Princess, there are NO princes, coming to HER rescue, to wake her UP, with that true love’s K-I-S-S.

With a shake, Sleeping Beauty became Insomnia, the Queen, I mean, Sleeping Beauty should’ve been CONTENT, with the fact, that hey, at LEAST she’s able to sleep, and now, she must FACE up to what she’d done, chosen to become Insomnia, the Queen.

As Insomnia, the Queen reigned over her world, everybody stays WIDE awake by her side, after all, she could easily CHOP everybody’s head off, for NOT answering to her calls, even IF she’d called out to her world, in the middle of the nights, when people are getting their beauty sleeps, and, in this case, these beauty sleeps are still NOT for the sake of beauty, it’s FOR the purpose of R-E-S-T-O-R-A-T-I-O-N, especially during the hours between midnight and three, that, would be when one’s liver is sleeping, isn’t it?  Somewhere ‘round there sounds right, but, I’m still NOT sure, so, do NOT quote me on that!!!

 

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Filed under Miscelaneous

Wendy Had Forgotten How to Fly

After Wendy made the decisions to GROW UP, and realized that she can NOT always be as carefree, as happy, OR as in DEEP a denial as Peter was, she’d forgotten how to fly, because the reality of things, her marriage to a man she felt “comfortable” with, but, she did NOT love him at all, and, her children who’d fallen ill at times, she’s now, overwhelmed with the worries of her adulthood years.

Wendy had forgotten how to fly, and, even though Peter, the carefree “little boy” still frequented her window every now and then, he didn’t recognize Wendy, because through the years, Wendy had

aged, and that, is simply NOT how Peter remembered her to be…

Wendy had forgotten how to fly, there’s NO doubt, and, she’s just too bombarded with her own life…

Wendy had forgotten how to fly, as all children would, EVENTUALLY, as they reached their adulthood years, and now, Peter Pan, her FIRST love, was NOTHING more than a faded memory.

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Filed under Miscelaneous