Tag Archives: A Sense of Helplessness

Lives We Can’t Save…

There are, just, too many lives that we can’t save, we only have, two hands, and, looking out, there are, so many who are, hollering out for help, and, it’s just, IMPOSSIBLE, to get to all of them in time.

Lives we can’t save, what do we do with them?  They’re still alive for each of us, even AFTER they all died.  We are, forever, plagued, by the what could’ve beens and if…only’s…

…not my photograph.

Lives we can’t save, there’s, NOTHING we can do about them, they’re all, already dead AND gone, all we can do, is, stop focusing on the losses, and, focus more on what we’d done right.  But, it’s hard sometimes, ‘cuz, that life that’s lost, with you close by, had, imprinted itself, etched, onto your soul.

Lives we can’t save, no matter how hard we think, we can’t, go back to the past, and remake the choices we’d already made differently, to change the outcomes………

rescuers in the aftermath of an earthquake in Nepal, photo from online…

Those lives that we can’t save, are we going to, allow them, to imprint deeply, onto our guilty consciences, or, are we going to, turn cold, and, think to ourselves: it’s just the way things are, there’s no way of changing that now.

 

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Filed under Lives Lost, On Death & Dying, the Finality of Life

This Long and Hard-to-Win War with D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A

Every day had become a battle now, and, it just feels, that I have NO way of winning this, long and hard-to-win war with D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A here!

This long and hard-to-win war with D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A, I don’t even KNOW where to begin, because every time I’d gotten reminded of this war with dementia I’m in, well, I’d feel depressed, and, my family would try, to lift my mood up, and, when their attempts worked, I’d, forgotten, about my own dementia…

This long and hard-to-win war with D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A, I’d been on this journey, since I’d lost someone to it, and, I just couldn’t cope with, how my dearly beloved family member can just, forget about me, who I am to her/him, and, I felt, betrayed by her/him forgetfulness.

This long and hard-to-win war with D-E-M-E-N-T-I-A, I’m just, too tired, of having to fight it, and I just, want to give in, and give it all up, and just, stop battling, but, I just can’t, allow dementia, to take, ANOTHER parent from me, I won’t allow for it, I’d already lost dad, I’m not going to lose you too, mom………

This long and hard-to-win war with dementia, on some days, it seems, that I’m winning, and the very next moment that I realize, well, I’d lost my pants, and I just, can’t, fight it anymore.

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Downward Spiral, Family Matters, Life, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Old Age, Properties of Life

Inscape

A Realistic (Pessimistic) View of Life Here…

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Filed under Lessons, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Reality Clashes with Dreams, Vicious Cycle

The Day We’re Free, from the Hands of Destiny

Wouldn’t THAT be nice!!!  But in the end, it’s all hallucinations, delusions, and dreams, I’m afraid, because we will NEVER be free, from the hands of destiny…

Just like that kid on the playground who works so freakin’ hard, to lose her/his own shadow, guess what happened to her/him?  Ended up, tripping on her/his feet, and falling flat on her/his faces, uh, D-U-H!!!

The day we’re free, from the hands of destiny, oh, I know, that’ll happen, when we DIE, because destiny has NO control over death, death is greater than destiny.  The day we’re free, from the hands of destiny, that’ll be when we’d finally, paid our debts to destiny itself, in F-U-L-L, but, at the rate we’re currently going right now, well, this debt still keeps on rolling, escalating, accumulating, greater, greater, and greater still, and, I don’t think we’ll EVER pay back this debt owed to destiny…

The day we’re free from the hands of destiny?  When our clocks expire, when we’d breathed out our final breaths, and got called “upon” by death.

 

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Filed under Fate, Life, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life

Stop Walking for a While, the Markers of Childhood

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, those childhood years, don’t you just miss it???  Translated…

As a child, I woke one morn, I used my arms to get my upper body up, but I couldn’t manage, and my legs were stiff too, I can only cry.  My father placed me on his back, and took me to the clinic close by to find help, the first one couldn’t do anything, he’d taken me to the next…………don’t recall how many clinics we’d visited that morn, my father’s helplessness, my mother’s worries, are reflected in each other’s looks.

The name of the illness was acute poliomyelitis, it came in a hurry, and was too, gone, in a jiffy, I forgot how I got better.  I can only recall a dream now.  In that dream, I’d walked, for a very long time, my legs are very tired, but I still kept on going, got to a bridge, my legs could no longer move, I’d become spasmodic, I’d become paralyzed, and my body still kept going forward, after I got across the bridge, I’d left my legs right where they were.  And those pair of legs, still waited, for my body to come back.

And, that, would be your experience of an illness you had when you were just a child, and, I’m sure, that the parents were very scared of losing their child too.

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Filed under Childhood, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Family Matters, Life, Parenting/Parenthood, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Translated Work

The Murdering of His Own Beloved Wife, the Songs of Sorrow for the Spouses of the Elderly Ill Patients

On the Front Page Sections, translated…

First “part”, written by a doctor, translated…

In 2010, a Mr. Wang in the city of Taipei NAILED is own wife who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s to death, was sentenced to nine years in prison, not long after he’d begun serving his sentence, he’d died in prison.  In 2013, a retired army officer, Tseng got too strained, taking care of his demented wife, hacked her to death with a kitchen knife, then, attempted suicide, was sentenced to two years in prison.

Awhile ago, an elderly man, Ku, couldn’t bear to see his wife who had encephalitis suffer any longer, he’d HACKED her to death in the hospital, and, as he’d attempted suicide, he was stopped from it.

Two years ago, the film that won best foreign film at the Oscars, “Amour”, was portraying the exact same scenario; the elderly man took care of his demented and incompetent wife, got too tired, and he’d killed his own wife, then, committed suicide.  The motive behind this sort of a mercy killing is love, but it’s done, in such a way that it’d shocked the world.

If “taking one’s child’s hand as we grow older” is the best case of the aging scenario, then, “killing my own wife, so we can head toward death hand-in-hand” would be the most tragic.  It is extremely hard, and difficult, to care for one’s demented and incompetent family members, and, the combination of an elderly man, caring for an elderly woman should be paid special attention to, because the male is NOT used to playing the role of the caretaker, and, all of a sudden, he’s in charge of his own wife’s living routines, it would cause him to panic.  And, men are less likely to ask for assistance, and when there are problems in care, the men would usually shut down, and think of it as the end of the world.

The signs of fatigue from caring for the ill include: depression, anxiety, and insomnia, etc., etc., etc., at which time, the caretaker should ask other family members to take over, and get professional assistance, in case of tragedies such as this.

This case, is truly, the songs of sorrows for the caretakers, and, it’s also a sign that the societies need to better the systems of care, and, after the cases had gone to court, the mindset, the stresses of the caretaker should be examined closely, instead of treating the case as an ordinary murder.

And so, the strains still lands on the PRIMARY caretaker, and, unless you’re a PRIMARY caretaker of such persons, you do NOT know what the caretakers are faced with from day to day, and, knowing W-H-E-N to ask for help, and HOW to get it, is a very important thing to have handy.

Waiting for the Amendments in Long-Term Care, to Help Salvage One’s Dignity at Old Age

The news reported the eighty-three elderly man took care of his sick wife for nine years, and couldn’t stand to see his wife suffer any longer, or maybe, there may have been other unspoken reasons, he’d chosen, to kill his own wife, then, attempt suicide.

As I first read the news, I was moved, that if a couple can still be so close as they, wouldn’t that be a wonder?  And, you can imagine, how much pain, as the elderly man thrust that knife toward his wife’s body, the pains he was going through, and his willingness, to follow her in death too, in this day and age when divorce is happening all around, this, seems to be even MORE precious.

In my daughter’s class of thirty, there were one-third of the kids who were from single-parent households, and, from that, you can see, how difficult it is, to maintain a marriage, and, getting along well with each other, and managing the family well, is a higher level course to manage.

And, it’d reminded me that the society is now, faced with the elderly population outnumbering the younger generations, and how people are choosing to NOT have as many children as we used to, with the changes in time, maybe, the husband and the wife will have to care for four ailing elderly, but in twenty years, the younger generations will be faced with the coup-le, caring for FOUR elderly.  What’s crueler is, the wages of the younger generations is on the lower end, and, the longevity of human is still on the rise, as parents, how can we bare, to let ourselves become burdens to our kids?  And, in the future, there would be the two elderly persons, looking out for each other.

What’s making my heart ache more was, even the elderly must take care of the ailing elderly, when we get to a certain age, our bodies will start to stop functioning, and, as we got older, we wouldn’t have that much zest, energy, to care for the ill.  How is the physique of an eight-year-old person?  Can you imagine, that he is still responsible for caring for his ailing wife, and, the choice he’d made…is a shocking, and saddening path.

For the long term, the aging population and the problems surrounding demented elderly will become worse.

And so, there are a LOT of the issues at play here, the problems with aging, causing your mind and body to deteriorate, and, the lax of caretakers, and, there’s also the monetary concerns, because the longer you live, the more money you’d end up, spending, and, waiting for the government, to implement a NEW policy on the caretaking of the elderly is just NOT the way to solve the problems, and so, we wait, for that answer that’s still far, far, far away…………

 

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Filed under Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Current Events, Deaths Caused by Love, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Euthanasia, Expectations, Issues of Morality, Issues of the Society, Life, Lives Lost, Moral Responsibilities, My Thoughts on Various Issues, Old Age, On Death & Dying, Properties of Life, Social Awareness, Social Issues, Tragedies in the World, Values, Wake Up Calls

I’m NOT a Carer

Taking Care of a Demented Elderly Person, Forgetting to Care for Oneself

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Dementia/Deterioration of the Mind, Family Matters, Life, Observations, Properties of Life, Social Awareness, Social Issues, Story-Telling, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Vicious Cycle

Gazing Through the Ripples in the Stream of Time

I toss a small pebble in, and I looked, closely, at that ripple that I was able to create…

Time became a stream, and, I was lucky enough, to gaze through the ripples in it.  And, gazing into the ripples, I saw the past (who I was), the present (who I currently am), and the future (who I will have the chance of becoming).

Gazing through the ripples in the stream of time, you’ll see, moments that had come to pass, the ones you will NEVER hold on to again, because the streams are flowing fast, and, NO amount of pebbles you can throw into it, will make it slow down its flow.

Gazing through the ripples in the stream of time, what do you see?  The moments in your life that had come to pass, the ones you desperately wanted to grab a hold onto, and yet, they slipped out of your hands, too quickly, and, you’re left, by the shorelines.  Gazing through the ripples in the stream of time, did you discover something that you had failed to notice about you before?  Was it shocking, the discovery, I mean?

Gazing through the ripples in the stream of time, I sudden realize, how small we all are, and, NO matter how hard we try, we just couldn’t, change the outcomes of our lives, just as I tried, desperately, throwing those pebbles, into that rushing stream, to MAKE it slow down, but it doesn’t…

 

 

 

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Filed under Awareness, Coping Mechanisms, Cost of Living, Creative Writing, Despair, Lessons, Life, Loss, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Writing

This Time, I’m Really Tired, a Story on Marriage

There’s an EXTREMELY H-I-G-H chance of it, “evolving” into Irreconcilable Differences, translated…

I’d been married twenty-six years to date, everything from the clock hanging on the walls, the paintings, the colors of the draperies and curtains, décor on the tables, along with the bathroom stuff, the way that the kitchenware are placed…………, I couldn’t have a say, I must go along with how my husband liked it done.

My husband worked abroad, and would only come back to Taiwan once every three months, and so, I’d start rearranging the items in our house, to the way I liked them, the moment he’d stepped onto the plane, then, a few days before his return back, I’d turned it back again.  Once, he’d come back early, came home on his own, I didn’t have the time to rearrange the furniture to their original places.  After he’d stepped inside, he’d gotten so furious, then, moved ALL the furniture to their rightful places, and then, threw out everything I’d bought when he was away.

After my children started working, I felt that we needed extra closets, to allow them to have their own closet spaces, plus, the air-conditioning system is already too old and had broken, and so, I’d gone through Skype, and forwarded his children’s thoughts on the matter to my husband, the model and price of the air-conditioning system, along with the installer’s suggestions of where it should be located on the inside and the outside, and discussed it with my husband.  In the end, he’d used a light tone of voice, said to me, “Just go ahead then!”, and told me not to tire myself out.

On the day that the AC installer came, because of all my previous bad experiences, arguing with my husband, I’d even had the installer confirmed the place of the AC with my husband through Skype.  And, before he returned, I’d picked up the house so it looked very cleanly, so he could have his rest when he came back.  But, the moment he’d walked in the house, he’d scrounged up his eyebrows, said, “Why did you place the AC indoor like this?  This destroyed the feng shui, do you NOT know that?” “Why did you buy the cabinets in this style?  This material can make people sick?”  “The colors of the drapes is unlucky, take them all down!”

I know that my husband is having it hard, going away for work, he doesn’t have any bad habits, is kind to the children, took care of his elders, respected people around him.  My husband has a TON of good qualities, which, is why I was more than willing to put up with him long-term, and take care of this family wholeheartedly!

But this time, I’m truly tired, plus, I’d put up half of the cost for this house too.  I’d packed up my bags, told the kids, I’m going to see grandma, and that when their father’s done vacationing in Taiwan, then, I shall come back.  Even after my own family knew the true story and start looking at me weird, I don’t care, I am already fifty years old, and I deserve some dignity in life too!

And so, this, IS a woman’s realization, that she couldn’t be free, to do what she wanted to, in HER own home, because her husband IS a traditional Chinese male, everything HAS to be done his way, and that, is just WRONG!  It’s BOTH their home, and so, why, must things go JUST her husband’s way?  This relationship is NO longer on equal basis!

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Filed under Attitude, Awareness, Being Alone, Cause & Effect, Communications, Cost of Living, Expectations, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, Interactions Shared with the World, Life, Marriages, Observations, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, STUCK in a Cookie Jar, Values, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

An Autistic Girl Ran Away a Lot, and Her Father is at His Wit’s End

Raising a kid with a disability is NEVER easy!!!  From the Newspapers, translated…

“Rou-Rou disappeared again!”, the twelve-year-old girl is severely autistic, when her single father goes off to work, he’d asked “nana” to come and help watch her, but, “Rou Rou” ran out, while her aging grandmother wasn’t looking.  This sort of “gone-missing” script happens almost once every week, and, “Rou-Rou’s” father had become too tired about this, and, the social services department said, that they’re going to send someone to help work with the family.

“Rou-Rou” is from a low-income household, she lived with her father, and younger sister in Chunghe District, she’s already over five foot tall, is tall for her age, and very hyper.  Monday through Fridays, she’d gone to afterschool program held by her elementary school until five, and, she wouldn’t run off without telling anybody.  But, on weekends, the holidays, or during her summer and winter vacations, she’d run off every single chance she’d get.

Last month on the 22nd, “Rou-Rou” stood on the cross-section of Chunghe, hollered, “Mom” out loud, the subprecinct patrol officer found her, and, helped her family get her back; but, in a week’s time, she’d “skipped home” again.  After her grandmother called the police, she’d checked all over the places, and, she’d found her in a cell phone shop, playing with cell phones.

The farthest distance “Rou-Rou” had ever traveled is that she’d taken a bus on her own, to the Ming-Shen Community by bus, and the bus driver called it in.  The grandmother is seventy-eight, and walked very slowly, every time that “Rou-Rou” had disappeared, she’d prayed to the gods, with a worried mind, “I’m under a great deal of stress”.

The man in charge of the borough where they lived said, that whenever the neighbors found “Rou-Rou”, they’d bring her home, but, this, was NOT a long-term solution.

“Maybe, I owed her this much!” the father told, he must worry about making ends meet, and he must worry nonstop about his daughter too, he’d hoped, that there are facilities, or organizations, to help her adapt better in this world, and grow up safe and sound.

The Children Welfare section of the Hsinbei Social Services said, that they’d already sent someone over to the family, and that the social worker will be doing an evaluation, then, they will get the assistance they need, that they’d held classes on the weekends, and there are daycare centers for the handicapped as well, to help alleviate the stress on the families.

And so, there’s NO way that this girl can be controlled, because she has autism, and, the father became too strained, as he is raising her up as a single parents, he has to work, and the elderly grandmother too, is at her wits ends, and so, the social services steps in, but, that’s still NOT treating the problems at hand, it’s still getting RID of the “symptoms” here.

 

 

 

 

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