Life Took a Sharp Turn

On changing tracks, not knowing, if you’d, made the right choices in life or not! Translated…

Life flew by too fast, it’d been six months, since my return back to Puli, this small town to live. The me a decade ago, or even, just two years ago, I’d never imagined a life like this for me.

Being on the rise through school and into the workforce, I’d entered into my first-choice schools locally, and entered into my top choices of university, after I graduated, I’d started working as an engineer in the well-known high-tech companies in Taipei. I’d worked very hard, and my abilities gotten the attention of the boss, in a few short years, I’d gotten promoted, and raises too. Back then, I’d imagined, that ten years later, I should be a high-end manager in the workforce, and would go on business trips to Europe and America often.

like this???the roadsigns of your life…

And now, I’d, walked with difficulties, with my pregnant belly, travelled on foot, delivering the goods that my clients ordered, and pondering, what I needed to update onto my website to sell when I arrived home.

A few years ago, I’d gotten married for a while, as my husband and I started thinking about when to have children, and how we’re going to take care of our kids after they were born. Both working as engineers in the high-tech companies, after subtracting the time for sleep away, there were only, about two hours in the late hours of the nights we can, save for ourselves. We didn’t want to be missing out on the coming of age of our young, so, a change in track was needed. And, something had, happened at home then, after careful considerations, we’d decided to quit our jobs, return back home, and my husband started working in the field, and I, started setting up my online shop.

Recalling how back when I’d just graduated from graduate school, my dad asked me if I wanted to take the public offices examinations. Back then, I was so satisfied with my own life, full of confidence, didn’t consider, that the life of a government office worker wouldn’t suit me well. But now, as my shop online just got set up, I’d had an unstable source of income, and I’d found those job openings in the areas of Puli, and I’d, wanted, to kick myself. After I’d left Taipei, Hsinchu, and Tainan, cities with the larger scale technology companies, it’s like, I’d, whited out my past work experiences. As I’d passed the post offices, along with Taipower offices, I couldn’t help but wondered, if I’d, only taken the government post exams.

查看來源圖片imagine how different life can turn out for you…photo from online…

At the age of thirty, for the sake of my family, my life took a sharp turn, and I can’t tell yet, whether if it’s going to be good or bad, but I believe, that so long as I carried the heart I’d had before, worked hard, I can totally, find a brand new direction in life again.

And so, this, is a huge life-changing situation you’re, faced with now, isn’t it? You’d quit your government job, to chase your dreams, so you can have more time with your young, to not miss out in their coming of age, and, although you’re, unsure of whether or not you’d, made the correct choices in life, your life knows where it’s, taking you.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Because of Love, Changing Tracks, Connections, Cost of Living, Lessons, Life, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, The Fate of a Woman, Things Left Behind, Translated Work, Values, Women's Issues

Changing a Thought, Your World Opens Right Up

Found something that kept her calm, through her husband’s temporary “fix”, translated…

As I accompanied my child to off the island to school, other than helping him settle in, I’d also taken the opportunity, to visit locally, and enjoy this little peaceful time I have. In the embrace of Mother Nature, having been stressed out too long in the nitty-gritties of the day-to-day, I’d, broken free, like a bird from a cage, I’d felt, so very free.

After a few days, although I’m now, recharged spiritually, but my body was having the fatigues from the travels. There’s a saying, “There’s NO place like home”, it’s, so very, true, as I’d reached out, and touched the doorknob of my own house, I’d finally felt, that I can, finally rest easy. But, as I’d, pushed open the doors, my steps, as well as my smiles, froze solid, and, the luggage I had in my other hand fell.

The lanai in front was a huge mess, and, the table and chair where I usually sat leisurely to read, was pushed to the side, the cardboard boxes, the plastic baskets, everywhere, the originally cleaned tile flooring, covered in muddy footprints. There’s, that awful feeling from the pit of my stomach, I’d trembled, as I’d, turned on the lights, I’d, stood there, with my jaws, dropped, in shock, couldn’t make a single sound.

Looking around me, there was, a huge pile of dirt the size of a small mount, and the bamboo had, grown taller than I am, blocking the screen doors; the other bamboos, grown too large out of proportions; and, the gardenia with the branches like the antlers of deer, lying to the side. The piles of fertilized soils, the granite pieces, all, scattered, across the ground…………it’d, looked like, a BOMB had been, dropped here.

About a week ago, my husband looked around on the lanai, and, he’d, measured the space, with his calculating gazes, I’d caught a glance, at his usual act, I’d called out, “oh no!” to myself, I’d, rushed up to him, to ask him what was up. Just as I’d suspected, he’d started, getting so enthusiastic, describing what his plans were, of having a small garden on our lanai, and, I’d, rained down on his parade, “Please, stop your delusions, you just wanted to be the frontiersman, and I’d needed to, clean up after you, like from before when we kept the birds, and the dogs too…………”

He knew he wasn’t going to win the arguments, he’d, fallen silent, and not mentioned it again, I mistakenly thought, that he’d, stopped pondering about it, without knowing, that this, was, only the calm before the storms.

That very night, one of us carried the sour face, the other, scrubbed up the mats, and there’s, this awful tropical depression visiting our home, followed by the days of silent treatments, the air, froze up.

like this???  Not my photograph…查看來源圖片

Every day I’d waken up, pulled back the drapes, and, I was, face-to-face, with this withered garden, it was, truly, depressing. And, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore, rolled up my sleeves, tidied it up out there.

I’d first, trimmed the branches off the bamboos, remove the stems of the dying bamboo, the yellowed leaves as well, them, made the space, for the gardenias. After half a day of sweating it all way, I’d, gotten rid of my displease. And, I’d, taken a look at the scene, and, it was, breathable, and finally, I’d, rid myself, of the dark clouds that loomed over me these past couple of days.

More importantly, I’d put the fruit trees I’d especially loved which I’d planted inside a pot from before into the ground. And, in this garden which I’d once fought not to have, I’d, placed in some of my most cherished plants. Because, knowing my husband, my husband, who only has very short attention span, will soon forget the existence of this garden, and, I will be, the faithful gardener, who will always be looking after this small patch of my own dreams.

So, this, is how this woman changed her mind, to pull herself out of that tropical depression that she’d been in because of her husband’s temporary fix of having a small garden on their lanai, and this still showed, just how powerful the thought is, change a thought, your world lights up!

3 Comments

Filed under Expectations, Family Dynamics, Hobbies/Pasttimes, Lessons, Life, Marriages, Properties of Life, Story-Telling, Translated Work

All the Hurtful Things You’d Said to Me

I wish that I can say, that none of it mattered, but, it’d still, affected me, but, I’m slowly, becoming, desensitized to it.  All the hurtful things you’d said to me, had become, something, that fueled me, those awful words that had, gotten too deep, into my ear canals, had finally, made me deaf!

what it felt like at the beginning…not my photo…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, after so many years, it’d, still hurt, but, a little less every single day, and, I suppose, that one day, all the hurtful things you’d said to me, will NO longer affect me, it’s just, that that day, hadn’t, “arrived” yet…

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they don’t matter now, I’d become stronger, hearing all the hurtful things you’d said to me, and, they no longer, hurt me anymore, they’d become, nothing more than those cold winter winds that cuts through the skin on the surfaces now……………

and now…

no longer “registering”, ‘cuz I’d, tuned you O-U-T!!!

All the hurtful things you’d said to me, they’d, become, this never-healing infection of my childhood days, and growing up, I’d, carried all my scars that marked my body, and now, as I’d become, an adult, those scars became scabs, and, underneath those ugly scabs, there are, newly, grown-in layers of skin, waiting to come out.

21 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Abuser/Enabler Interaction Style, Being Exposed, Bullying, Cause & Effect, Coping Mechanisms, Despair, Downward Spiral, Interpersonal Relations, Lessons, Life, Miscelaneous, Obstacles in a Relationship, Things Left Behind

A Child without Christmas

A child without Christmas, because s/he is orphaned, without love of anybody, left abandoned, in those drop boxes outside of those age-old churches…

A child without Christmas grows up, experiencing nothing BUT the icy cold weather, the coldness of other people’s stares, because s/he is unloved and unwanted.

here’s someone who probably wouldn’t experience Christmas as something wonderful, photo from online…

A child without Christmas, becomes lost around the holidays, and, everywhere s/he looks, there’s, so much love flowing from others’ lives, and, s/he grew even more resentful of life and fate!  A child without Christmas, how, does a child grow up without Christmas?  How can a child, NOT know ANY love, and still live to grow up into adulthood?  Or, maybe, the child without Christmas, had died, a long, long, long time ago, and, s/he became, another Ghost of Christmases Past?

A child without Christmas, feels the pain, creeping up, as the Christmas season draws near, and, s/he stopped, heading outdoors by mid to late-November, because the “scent” of the season grows stronger, as the year nears end………

how can you possibly think about what you’re getting for X’mas IF you can’t even have your most basic needs filled from day to day?  Photo from online…

Leave a comment

Filed under Being Alone, Cause & Effect, Childhood, Connections, Early Exposures, Interactions Shared with the World, Observations, Things Left Behind

Being Different…

I’m like you all, my classmates, but, not exactly, I have a mom, who’s from a foreign world as opposed to the one I’m currently “staying in”…

When I first entered into class, I spoke the mainstream languages with a perfect tone, absolutely NO weird accents, but, the other kids, they’d still, made fun of me.

not my drawing.

I tried to fit in, tried to engage myself into their discussions, but, every time they saw me approaching, they’d all just, scattered and dissipate, as if, they’re avoiding me, like I’m the plague or something!  And, it’d, hurt.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being different, but, the feedbacks from my external environment seemed to prove otherwise.  I keep on, getting the signals, that I should be thankful, being different from everybody else, and yet, in my day-to-day interactions, that “theory”, it just, can’t seem to work out that well at all!

not my picture.

And now, after being casted away, singled out by my cohort, I’m starting to feel ashamed of my difference, and eventually, I’d become, so scared of being different, that I’d do anything, to blend in with the rest of the crowd………

8 Comments

Filed under Awareness, Being Alone, Being Exposed, Bullying, Discriminations, Life, Perspectives, Violence in Schools

Lives We Can’t Save…

There are, just, too many lives that we can’t save, we only have, two hands, and, looking out, there are, so many who are, hollering out for help, and, it’s just, IMPOSSIBLE, to get to all of them in time.

Lives we can’t save, what do we do with them?  They’re still alive for each of us, even AFTER they all died.  We are, forever, plagued, by the what could’ve beens and if…only’s…

…not my photograph.

Lives we can’t save, there’s, NOTHING we can do about them, they’re all, already dead AND gone, all we can do, is, stop focusing on the losses, and, focus more on what we’d done right.  But, it’s hard sometimes, ‘cuz, that life that’s lost, with you close by, had, imprinted itself, etched, onto your soul.

Lives we can’t save, no matter how hard we think, we can’t, go back to the past, and remake the choices we’d already made differently, to change the outcomes………

rescuers in the aftermath of an earthquake in Nepal, photo from online…

Those lives that we can’t save, are we going to, allow them, to imprint deeply, onto our guilty consciences, or, are we going to, turn cold, and, think to ourselves: it’s just the way things are, there’s no way of changing that now.

 

2 Comments

Filed under Lives Lost, On Death & Dying, the Finality of Life

Watching You Leave, the Thoughts of a Mother

Translated…

On Sunday evening, my daughter with her huge backpack, is headed to her grandparents’ house, I’d sent her off by the door, and, nagged on how she’d not put her shoes on right, she’d mumbled back, “I’ll put it on properly in the elevator!”, I’d insisted that she was to, put her shoes on properly before she leaves, she’d, bent down, redid her laces with that unwillingness, and, I’d had, a few extra seconds, to stare at her.

Since a decade ago, my spouse’s name was stricken off my national identification card, I’d lost the days of accompanying her by the day, and only on the weekends, did we get time together to share. Every Friday evening, I’d, rushed off work, road across the city, to a kindergarten, to pick her up and, my daughter curled underneath the lamplight of the kindergarten, with her accompanying bunny, and, her eyes and smiles, turned into the stars in the skies the moment she saw me. Several years passed by, it’s now, that young woman who’d taken the MRT, the bus, to my place.

As the elevator headed downstairs slowly, I’d calculated the timing just right, went to the lanai to look, the red-topped bus slowly came close, and stopped, right underneath the bus stop; my daughter was sitting in it, her huge white backpack on her legs, with her eyes, staring up ahead, lips slightly curled upward. The autumn sun was eye catching, and, being able to travel on her own makes her excited.

Very long ago, I too, watched the bus as it sped off into the distance, imagined my own sunny and bright futures too, filled with a ton of dreams, embracing the impossibilities of life. back then, I’d never imagined, that in an unknown corner, there it was, my mother, with her tears, staring at the direction I left in.

And now, I’d become, an adolescent’s mother too, and, the once-a-week that we’d met, was what was left for me to take with in this richness of her youthfulness, but, became an aging life’s extravagance. The social media, the pop music, the trending novels, there is, no boundaries, in the world of a teenage girl, and all I could do, was smile by her side and accompany her, but I’d still, cherished the time we spent together.

not my photo…

I know, that one day, she will eventually own her own universe, write her own stories, and that I can’t, keep her all to myself. That mother was only a caretaker when she was younger, but not the one who’d owned her for this life, when she has the ability, to spread her wings and fly, or resting, on that tree on her own, she wouldn’t allow me to groom her, to smooth her feathers anymore, just as back then I’d left my own home too, although I’d bumped and fell, I’d never turned back toward my mother, and ask her to give me a hand.

And still, not butting into her life doesn’t mean that she’s not occupying my mind. After I’d lived alone for a bit, I read the words my mother wrote, “You will always be my child.”, no matter how bad life got, how awful living is, the mother will always recognize her own young; no matter how far you fly, the mother’s gazes will always be like that string connecting to the kite, glued, to the child’s body, hung there, not pulling the child down, close knit, but never broken off.

Right now, the bus my daughter rode is probably at the MRT station now. She’d, scanned her pass, and standing inside the trains, her feet, tapping to the music, reading through her book, an hour later, she will, arrive at her destination, happy, and safe and sound.

The thoughts of a mother, she’d watched her child come and go, from her place back to her husband’s home, and, she knew, that she needed to, let her daughter go, and the child is growing into a beautiful woman, and, she felt sad, because of how her daughter will eventually, spread her wings and fly, but that’s a part of what parents must face, because children WILL grow up, whether or NOT we want them to!!!

8 Comments

Filed under Letting Go, Life, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Values