Category Archives: Parent-Child Interactions

The Father Who’d Called Using the Red Public Phone

Translated…

My father walked in the door, with a bad face, he’d kept that same expression, as my mother cussed him out, “We’re already very poor, and you’d squandered ALL your wages away at the whore house, and the bars?”

“Go, go, go, follow that DEADBEAT, no good father of yours out, see what he’d been doing?”  my mother, who’d working hard as a manual laborer, to keep the household of eight, must also track down her lazy husband, there’s NO way she’ll have anything nice to say, at age nine, I’d stealthily followed behind my father, feeling scared, passed through the dark and ghostly and haunted bamboo forests, my father stopped at the phone booth at the entrance of our village, placed a few coins in, and, the smiles started crawling up his face, that, was a kind of bliss I’d never seen at home.

If I could get on a time machine, I’d love to return to that day, get closer to my father, to see who he was talking to?  What are the difficulties in his life?  Because he’d lacked the money, he’d had to carry the bad name my mother gave to him, and, be disrespected by six of his kids, and getting sculpted, into a bad man, by my mother’s words daily.

And so, this, is a memory from the childhood years, the narrator saw how her parents fought like hell, and it surely must’ve affected her, and, she’d become a spy, by her mother’s orders, to keep an eye for her mother, on her father’s whereabouts.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Family Dynamics, Family Matters, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Properties of Life

When the Child Wants to Go to School without Her Parents’ Company

The kid is declaring HER independence, the FIRST step, translated…

Q: Ming-Ming in the fifth grade no longer wanted her mom to pick her up and drop her off at school anymore…

Although there’s no problem with the safety in Taiwan, but, there would still be instances where children are kidnapped.  There was a construction site nearby, and, a ton of different people go in and out of the area, Mrs. Huang worries for her daughter, Ming-Ming’s safety as she goes out, so, even if Ming-Ming is already in the fifth grade, she’d still picked her up to and from school, as well as taking her daughter to the cram schools, to this date, the mother had never allowed Ming-Ming to fly solo.  But, recently, Ming-Ming started stating how she wanted to head out by herself, and, Mrs. Huang knew that one day, she will have to let her daughter fly solo, but, she’s confused, at when is the right time, for her to let go.

A Not About Independence, But, One Day, the Parents Must Let Go

The CEO of the Professional Development Center for Growth, the elementary school instructor, Lee, from Bei-Hsin Elementary School, pointed out, that now, the families are having less and less children, most of the families only had one child, and, the parents hovered over them, feared that there would be issues of traffic and safety, and the rates of parents picking the kids up to and from school are higher, compared to the past years.

The Distance Mattered

The observations of parents chauffeuring the kids to and from school, and, one would notice, that in the first and second grades, it’s very normal, but, by the time the kids get to third or fourth grades, they can already walk to school on their own.  But, all the families are different, there are kids who are in college, and still gets taken to and from school by the parents.

Lee stated, that sometimes the parents picking the kids up has nothing to do with whether or not the children ARE independent, instead, it has more to do with the distance between home and school.  She’d sated, that there are small schools in the city of Taipei, most are close to the homes of the students, it would take a short walk to get to school, the parents would naturally, feel securer, to let the kids go to school on their own; but, not in the city of Hsinbei, the schools are huge, and, far from the homes, and, it may take up to twenty minutes for the kids to get to the schools, the parents didn’t want the kids to tire out, and would rather ride their motorcycles, to chauffeur their kids to school, and, there are other cities and counties, with this sort of trend too.

Cherished the Time They Shared in the Car

The parenting expert, Mom Mee said, that from before when they lived in Tainan, there is a long distance between her home and the kids’ schools, she’d played classical music in her car on the way to school, so the kids could feel soothed, she’d utilized the time they shared in the car, to carry on in conversations with her young.  To her, as the children grow older, the time they have with each other became less and less, she’d cherished this time together, and, enjoyed it too, the kids also felt very happy, and, became expectant when she’d picked them up.

Mom Mee said, if as the parents picked up the kids, they’d started nagging about homework, or kept ranting, the children may become defiant toward that, and she’d suggested that as parents picked up the kids, they should communicate with their young.

Mom Mee said, some of the kids would want the parents to pick them up all the time, but, when the kids wanted to strike out on their own, the parents can let go slowly, to let the kids fly solo for a short while, to try it for a couple of days first, then, decide whether or not the kids are fitting, to go farther on their own.

Not Letting the Child be Alone on Her/His Own

Mom Mee and Ya-Jing Lee both pointed out, that when the kids entered into the middle school, they’d become insistent on going to school on their own, and not wanting the parents to pick them up anymore.  Mom Mee said, the children in the teenage years cared a lot about what their peers say about them, seeing how the other classmates could go to and from school on their own, but, the parents are still picking them up to and fro, the children would not like it.

When her child was in the fifth grade, the other kids of her class started asking her to walk to and from school together as a group, she’d also let go, but, every family IS different, and, letting go is reliant on the parents’ and the kids’ attitude, as well as the distance from the school to the homes.

One day, the parents WILL let go.  Lee said, that if you’re allowing your child to go to and from school on her/his own, do remember, to remind the children not to be alone, the parents can take the kids on the paths a couple of times, to understand the traffic conditions, and pick the routes, and, remind the kids to watch the traffic as they cross the roads, if someone is stalking the children, they can duck out in the shops close to the schools, if someone asks the child for directions, the child only needed to point the way, and not lead the stranger to where s/he wanted to head to.

This, is What You Can Do…Tell Your Worries to Your Children

Mrs. Huang drops off and picks up Ming-Ming to and from school, but, Ming-Ming said she wanted to go on her own, Mrs. Huang could use empathy, to explain her own worries to her daughter, because the roads near her house is under construction, she’s more worried about the traffic, so, that, is why she’ll be taking Ming-Ming to school, and, she can also emphasize to Ming-Ming, that if she heads out on her own, she must watch the roads.

Mrs. Huang, if she is to let Ming-Ming go to and from school on her own, she must watch for her own safety, as well as the traffic.

If Mrs. Huang wanted to let Ming-Ming go to school on her own, she could drop her off close to the school first, let her daughter walk the shorter way, then, after Ming-Ming learns to watch out for herself, then, let go.

And so, we have, worrisome parents, who are unwilling to let the child go, and, the child wanted to go, which signifies that she wanted her own independence, and the mother here, is having troubles, letting go, and, it is NOT about independence at all, it’s about the parents’ inabilities to let their kids go.

An Overly Active Child Became Calmer Because of Reading

The experiences of life, from someone, translated…

My son had always been hyperactive when he was younger, and would not head to bed, until, he’d drained himself of ALL his energies completely every single night, I, being his primary caretaker, often felt too tired to chase him around.

When my child was around two when he’d learned to talk, whenever I’d had the time, I’d sat him on my lap, held on to his fingers, picked up the picture books, and, as he’d pointed to each of the Chinese characters, I’d read it aloud to him, sometimes, when he was playing with his toys, I’d read to him too.  Even though, he didn’t seem like he was listening, but, his brain had become a sponge, and started soaking up the things I’d read to him already.

Once, I’d told my son, “Jun-Yi, go wash your hands.”  He’d replied, “Clean up the hands, so I can cook”, it was so shocking to me.  Ever since, the child who couldn’t recognize the characters can read the words aloud, while flipping through the picture books.

As my child was in his last year of kindergarten, I’d subscribed to the “Chinese Weekly”, and, my son slowly used the phonetic spellings to read, and after he’d read, he’d shared with me the stories, and the comics he’d thumbed across.  When he’d entered into the first grade, I’d changed the subscriptions to “Chinese Daily Papers for the Children”, my son could now, read, independently, with the phonetic spellings now.  In the second grade, he became taken with “Journey to the West”, and, modeled the Monkey King as if he WERE the Monkey King; in the third grade, he was taken with the Warring Nations, read a ton of the varied versions of the tale, but, he’d still read it for pure enjoyment, once, I’d asked him, if we could give the books he’d read away to someone else?  He’d firmly answered, “NO, I’m saving these books for my own kids.”

This overly active child, rather than reading the books for fun, still didn’t focus his mind on his homework assignments, and, in school, while he was sitting in class, his mind was somewhere else, in the stories he’d read already.  Acted up in class, wanted all the attention of others, he’d become the main characters of the stories he’d read, to the point that he was seemingly possessed by the stories, he was, the top problematic student of his class.  There was nothing else I can do, but to transfer him to another school, and start taking him to school daily, without his playmates, it’d given this child with difficulties concentrating a cleared learning environment.

My child was a changed kid in this brand new environment, everything started from zero.  He is now, the teacher’s little helper, the smart child in all of his classmates’ views, and, took up the role of the cleaning master and cultural education helper of his class, compared to the problematic student he was, it’s like he’d become, TWO different persons.

Now my child is in the higher grades of the elementary years, he still doesn’t have any afterschool program, every day after school as he’d come home, he’d done his homework, then, worked on his workbooks, he’d insisted on reading the papers still, and, I’d allowed the newspaper articles to turn into another way of education for him, and, we’d have discussions of what he’d read.  Although he’s only midrange in his class in the matter of grades, but, having the good habits of reading daily had helped him become a well-rounded student who knows a LOT outside of the textbooks, and, his character made up for his not doing well on his tests too.

And from this, you can still see how IMPORTANT reading is, it’d helped this kid who was disruptive, who was overactive calm down, and, it’d helped enriched his knowledge base, and, this mom started her child on the reading track, when he was just two years old, by reading the books to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Abuse, Cause & Effect, Letting Go, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Socialization

What My Mother Taught Me

From the mind of a daughter, translated…

“My mother said, that when you do the dishes, do the chopsticks first, then, the plates and the bowls should come easy!”, “My mother said, that when you take a bath, you should start with your feet first, after your feet are warm, then, you won’t feel cold anymore…”

When I was younger, I’d loved going to my next door neighbor, Ling’s house to hang, every time I’d gone there, Ling would tell me about what her mom had taught her that day.  Back then, I was only in the fifth grade, and, I’d started wondering: how come my mom never taught me that?

My mother is an introverted, quiet traditional woman.  Back when I was younger and asked her about things, she’d only answered me, “Good child, think on it harder!”  or, “Mmmmmmmmmm, that’s wonderful!”, she was NEVER like Ling’s mom who’s a teacher, with a lot of knowledge to teach to me; she’d always smiled and looked at me, then, heard me out quietly.

Back then, every time I’d them more.

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Filed under Lessons, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Socialization

You Like it? Your Son Will Buy it For You

On parent-child interactions, translated…

My friend had on a super fitting rose-colored cotton t-shirt, her figure showed, and, it’d made our eyes lit up, but she’d told us, feeling embarrassed, that it was something her son bought for her when they’d gone to Hong Kong together, she’d kept it hidden inside her closet.  Her son didn’t know that his mother is full-figured, that the size was too small, but, because he’d thought about her, that, was why she’d still accepted it.  And, only in this sort of gatherings with us, girlfriends, would she DARED put it on.

“Yes!  You can NEVER complain of gifts from your child, otherwise, he wouldn’t buy it for you anymore!”, an older classmate spoke in a heartfelt way.  Her son knew she was very stingy with herself, and didn’t want to spend the money on dolling herself up, as he’d gone to Japan with his girlfriend, he’d bought his mother a pricy purse.  She’d just complained of how there’s NOT enough layers in the purse, that the color was way too light that it would get dirty easily, plus, there’s less and less formal occasion for her to use this purse………and her son frowned and started complaining, of how his kindness was complained on.  And, my old classmate became silenced!

Gift-giving IS a form of art, when a boy buys a woman something, naturally, he wouldn’t know what was fitting, plus, when the gift was for an elder.

My son in recently years, started feeling that his mother is no longer young, and just kept reminding me, to love myself more, to eat better, to wear better, to use better things, to not worry about the money; but as he knew his mother like he knew himself, fearing that I’d treated his words like winds through my ears, and, so, he’d bought me a ton of a ton of extravagant things, without telling me.   But glad for the online technologies, before he’d bought the items, he’d taken photos of the item, then, LINED it to me, “Is this shade of lipstick okay?”  “Do you like the style of this coat?”, and, he’d checked with me as he’d picked out the gifts from abroad, after I’d replied OK, then, he’d swiped his card.  Although the surprise factor was taken away, but, the gifts he’d bought for me, I really liked.

I’d recalled a line from an ad long ago, “Like it?  Daddy’ll get it for you”, it’d touched the hearts of countless viewers, and even though, the roles are switched today, when these words flowed from the lips of ones’ children, I’m sure, that as parents, we would all feel very blessed!  When children were younger, as a mother, even IF it’s a handmade birthday card from the child, we’d treated it as priceless treasures, then, as he’d grown up, although he couldn’t get my taste, but has the heart, and so, naturally, I’d taken it all!

And so, this merely shows, that as parents, when children handed you a gift from them, you shouldn’t COMPLAIN about how the style was unfitting, or how there would be NO occasions where the items would be put to good use, because if you complained like that, then, there would NOT be a second time when your children buy anything for you.

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Filed under Expectations, Family Matters, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Socialization

From When Her Son with Cerebral Palsy Was Three, She’d Accompanied Him in His Studies, for Twenty Years on End

The devotions of a mother, from the Front Page Sections, translated…

There was a mother-son pair at the Sales Majors of Shu-De Technical University, the son was Han-Wen Lee, with cerebral palsy, the mother was his accompanying study partner, Li-Hua Yo; from when her son was in the early intervention programs at age three, all the way to his college years, the mother would come to class to help her son in class, looking after her child, it’s the most beautiful scene on the campus.

Yo said, that her son was a premature baby, stayed in the incubator for two months, later on, the doctors confirmed the diagnosis of cerebral palsy.  Her son is of normal intelligence and she feared that isolating him will cause him to not learn as well, insisted on placing his son in the normal classes; for this, she’d quit her job as a receipts person at the hotels, and started accompanying her son full-time, all the way, to college.

As her son’s study partner, Yo and her son would sit in the front row each and every time there’s a class, and the mother became the “eldest” member of the class.  They’d never missed a session of class, upon entering into college, the mother was even MORE studious than her own son, she said, that on the one hand, this made up for how she wasn’t able to go to college, and, as she’d returned home, she could help her son in his studies.

Lee sits in the wheelchair, is immobilized, his hands, bent out of shape, other than being his mother, Yo also worked as his physical therapist, and tutor, would help work her son’s hands and feet, also helped him with his homework assignments too, “It’s an affinity, he became our child, and we must care for him”, “So long as his body doesn’t deteriorate, it would be an improvement.”

Yo would keep watch over her son, but, in middle school, her son’s classmates still threw trash on him, he was bullied, and, although Yo felt heart wrenching, she didn’t scream at them, “children are normally rebellious in the middle school years, rather than scolding them, teaching them the right way would be a better approach.”

The professor from the Sales Major of the Technical University, Huang said, that Mrs. Lee would drive her son to and from school every single day, moving him to and from class, guys their built would feel it was difficult, but she’d never complained, nor had she ever raised her voice at her son.”  Lee who was sitting close by said, “It’s just her luck!”, it’d made Yo laugh.

A fellow classmate, Cho said, that Mrs. Lee would help her son take notes, and, would encourage him to participate in class too, and sometimes, when Han-Wen could answer, the rest of the class couldn’t, they felt ashamed of themselves.  Lin, another classmate said, that Mrs. Lee not only took care of her son in class, she’d also treated the other members of the class who are handicapped, as if they were her own too.

There was a case where the parent killed his own son with cerebral palsy, Yo was deeply touched by the story, she said, the children wouldn’t want to be like this also, the parents MUST accept them as they are, so can the rest of the world.

And so, this mother had positive views, although her son has this condition, she’d not given up on him, instead, she’d made it her responsibilities to accompany him, and that, is the heart, of a wonderful mother.

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Filed under Cause & Effect, Child Development/Education of Children, Children with Rare Conditions & Special Needs, Choices, College Life, Expectations, Life, News Stories, Observations, Parent-Child Interactions, Parenting/Parenthood, Philosophies of Life

Helping the Child Follow Her/His Passions and Areas of Interests

How the “experts” do it, raising their young, that is, translated…

The associate professor from Donghua University of the literature major, Yang has a son and a daughter, she and her husband, Wei, both don’t like restricting their children, hoped that their offspring can have the freedom to grow, to develop freely, so, the two of them, through reading, to help their kids who are totally different, who have difficulties, adjusting to learning in the systems, into a child who can think on her own, and the other child, from having a lax of confidence, to being brave to strike out abroad on his own.

Difficulties Adapting in the Systems

The older brother of the two kids, Yang Wei enjoys reading since he was very young, the friends and families described him as “having his nose stuck in a book”, but, being so multitalented from before school age, after he’d entered into the elementary schools, he had difficulties, adjusting, adapting to the system.

Yang Wei can read the words on the newspapers, but couldn’t understand the phonetic spelling markers, plus, once he’d taken to drawing insects on the floor, he couldn’t hear the bell ring, thus, he became a “troublemaker” in his teachers’ views, Yang described the hardships she’d gone through with the teachers at her son’s school, just prayed that her son could “sail through the elementary years without any difficulties”.

During that time, Yang and her husband accompanied their son, as he immersed himself in reading, and they’d discovered that he was interested in history, and had placed the historical tales into his reading list, and, the reading abilities that were accumulated from years before, had helped their son shine in middle school.

But, the same methods of allowing their son to develop freely, with only enough interventions, it’d had the opposite effect on their daughter, Wei Wei.

Traveling to Find the Changes

Wei Wei is five years younger than her older brother, enjoyed exercising her imaginations, is intelligent, had a smooth ride in the elementary years, and comparing to Yang Wei’s learning processes, Yang felt that it was, heaven-sent, but, as Wei Wei went on to middle school, the academic pressures became too great, and, she had difficulties, defining herself, and lost ALL her self-confidence, it’d made her mom, Tsuei Yang sad and anxious, and, she’d regretted that she should’ve become two different moms to her two kids, using two separate ways to educate them.

In the last year of her middle school year, Tsuei Yang encouraged her daughter to take after her older brother, to go to a homestay family in the U.S. and study for a year, and, because the new environment gave her a new look at things, after Wei Wei returned, she’d truly made a change to herself, and found her self-confidence back too.

Tsuei Yang is busy, accompanying her own graduate students, preparing for lectures, and giving lectures, all over the places, in the time when she’d taught at the universities in Taichung, Tainan, and Hualien, she’d mentored at least thirty grad students, but she said, that no matter how busy she got, she’d taken the time, to become a “mother who was present”, accompanying her kids, as they grow older.

Don’t Pressure the Children

“We’re a family that gets lost in conversations together”, from when Yang Wei had his first girlfriend in the elementary years, and took the love letters to his mother and asked him, “Women ARE unpredictable, aren’t they?”, she had started having long conversations at nights, discussions of writing, of literature, knowledge with her kids at home.

And, when the daughter Wei Wei was in high school, she’d done badly in her history courses, and, being a history major, Tsuei Yang took over teaching her, and outlined the three years of high school level history texts, and slowly, explained it to her daughter, becoming her own child’s tutor.

“It’s easy, for a child to lost her/his self-confidence, but, it’s really difficult to help her/him build it back up again.”, and now, Wei Wei would get close to her dad, hold his hands, tell him how much she misses him, and had found a stage where she excelled in, in learning.

Tsuei Yang’s understanding from her children’s lives is, the same environments, the same way of instructing, although the process was grueling and hard, but, not pressuring children, allowing them to take time to learn, it eventually helps the children develop the passions in their own lives, as well as their own independences.

And so, this, is still a trial by error, because the two kids are different from each other, as NO two persons in this world are clones, the mother found a way, to teach both her kids effectively, by giving the children what they’d needed from her, and, she spent a lot of time, connecting with her children too, that, is very important also.

 

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Filed under Cause & Effect, Lessons, Life, Parent-Child Interactions, Parenting/Parenthood, Perspectives, Socialization

Working Hard, to Gain Their Fathers’ Approvals

Call it, a bildungsroman if you want to…

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, and, that was ALL they’d ever wanted, to have their fathers’ proud looks as they’d talked about their children, but, that never came.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, they’d done that, and yet, in the very end, they still, didn’t quite, measure up, because their fathers had, set that god DAMN bar too high, because their own fathers too, set those bars too high.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, and, as they’d become fathers themselves, they’d become exact COPIES of their own fathers too, making it hard, for their own offspring, to gain their approval.

Working hard, to gain their fathers’ approvals, because as children, we ALL need to see that reflection of pride, in our parents’ eyes, but, that, is something we will NEVER see, reflected, back at us, all we will EVER see is, that hint of disappointment, knowing, that we didn’t do well enough, and, we’re belittled, by our own fathers, just as, they were, belittled by their fathers before them…

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Filed under Awareness, Bad Parenting Behaviors, Cost of Living, Early Exposures, Expectations, Parent-Child Interactions, Vicious Cycle