Infertility, miscarriages, that baby bump, etc., etc., all experienced, by a woman’s, body here!!! Translated…
Been married awhile, my belly stayed, perfectly, still, as I’d discussed with my husband, we’d gone to the fertility clinic, and, as we were checked, we’d followed the advice of the physician for us to continue with the in vitro fertilization, and several times, they’d all, failed, we started contemplating if we want to continuing on to the next stage: in vitro. To tell the truth, I’m a bit, scared, my husband worried that my body can’t handle it, worried that I may not be physically well enough for the whole thing, told me that it’s okay; hearing his words so warm, I’d, squeezed his hand, told him I want to try it.
The first time, we were lucky, the embryo got implanted, I’d felt so blessed, but by the seventh week, the baby’s heart stopped, and I can only describe the moment of me realizing this as thunder and lightning strike. I’d held it in, not broken down at the hospital, as we got home, we’d held onto each other and cried too hard, maybe, the affinity is just, not yet, I’d consoled myself. Waited until I smoothed over my loss, I’d decided to get my systems well enough, then, give it, another, go. Two years later, we’d gone for the second in vitro, as the embryo was implanted the beta-human chorionic gonadotropin rose up slowly, and, several returns back to the clinic, the fertility specialist told us that this time, it’d failed too, looked at my husband’s face, I’d pretended to be tough, told him, that we shall, try one more time, and if it still didn’t happen, then, we leave it, up to, fate.
And, I held the mindset of, “it might fail again”, got my third in vitro, then, the embryo implanted successfully, and all my digits steadily rose up. But this time, we both decided to wait until after the first trimester before we shared the good news with our loved ones. After all, receiving all the concerns, it’d, caused pressures on us too, and, we’d been trying for a very, long time, and we’d thought, if this time is still bust, then, we shall, stop trying.
Although, we’d told one another this, as well as our own selves, but, I’m still, quite, anxious. Thought about how my first in vitro got only to seven weeks, so this time as I went in for my exams, I’d felt, expectant, and scared, looked up at the monitor screen to see the ultrasound image, I remembered to this day—that seven-week-old tiny little heart, beaten out that strong rhythmic, pulse, with each beat, it was like it was saying, “hi mom, first time seeing you, hello!”
And, after each and every try that didn’t work, you have to go through the loss emotionally, and physically, and yet, the thought of having a baby is too strong to beat, and finally, that heartrate is, steady and stable inside, and now, you just have to keep your body healthy, until your child is ready to meet you in person physically.
Mirroring the World 