The Side Effects of Love

Found online, translated…

You realized, the most painful part about being single again is not that you’re all alone on your own, it’s that you used to be with someone else.

You had been involved in romances that gives you no worries, very easy, and simple too, the two of you always had a ton that you two can talk about, and, would spend every single minute together, and, when the two of you had nothing to do together, you’d find ways, to chase away the boredom.  There is NO limitless time, there’s just unfinished businesses.  Back then, the two of you didn’t have goals, but together, the two of you traveled, a very long way, and you could still feel the heat from his right palm on your left palm, his hand, faced down, yours, faced up, as if, he was, protecting you.  You’d found tracks of the two of you together, all over this city, gone to the wholesales place on Mondays, dined at the small restaurant on Wednesdays, and on Fridays, you two would hold hands, and go window shopping together, then, on the weekends, you two would go see a movie together, any film will do.  There’s this stability and this routine to the life the two of you shared, but, that, was the very first time you’d beheld the future in your embrace.

Back then, even if you’d cried, the tears would evaporate, before they hit the ground, there’s no side effects to love at all.

Later on, you’d gone back to, just being you.  It wasn’t some hard-hitting break up at all, the two of you parted, quite amicably, even shared one last hug together too.  The two of you made a pact, to always care for one another like friends, to live in one another’s lives for another three, to five more years.  From before, you didn’t believe in the saying of affinity or fate, but then, you’d come to the realizations that there IS a set lifespan to all the relationships, just like humans, and all you can do, was to work really hard, without ANY guarantees.  You had, matured in love, but sometimes, love just can’t seem to get quite caught up to your tempos.  Love took on a life of its own, you’re over that, but, you still can’t help, but feel bad about it being done with.

You’d once again, returned back to the infancy stages, you’d used the strengths you’d gained from the love, to take good care of yourself, shopped for groceries alone, gone to dine out alone, and on the weekends, you’d stayed in, to spend more time with yourself.  But, something just, wasn’t quite the same, like how that set of keys you’d exchanged with him, like there’s a part of you, that you will never, get back again.  You had started, hearing your own heart beats ringing so loud in your own ears, and, with the elongation of the time of you, being single, the sound got louder, and you just can’t, shake it all off now, slowly, suffocating you.  You thought, that this, was the effects of loneliness.

But then, you’d discovered, that you’re in misery, not because you’re single again, but because of how you keep remembering the wonderful things you’d experienced in love.  Your memories, and your bodies too, still recalled those moments of feeling amazing, they’d held on tight, refused, to let it go.  You’re not afraid of lonely, but instead, fearing that you will NEVER feel that way again.  And so, every night, in the late hours when you’re still awake, you’d feel panicky, you feel like you’re slowly, drowned by these waves, of loneliness.

And that, was when you realized, that the after effect of love was, fear.

That relationship had taught you, how to get along with yourself, but it didn’t tell you, how to readjust to a life, after love was over.  And, it’s because you’d loved once, you’d also learned fear too.  But at the same time, you knew too well, that the amazing things that came with love, wouldn’t dissipate, with this fear of love you felt, because the sole source of your pain was from fear, not loss.

And so, you’d finally, come to the understanding, that you were, merely, having an allergic reaction to love.  But that warmth you’d felt over that lost love will eventually fade away, just like you’d wake up, in the winter mornings, and sneezed, and know, that you’d healed up, properly and completely, then you will, find someone new, to share the next winter with.

Then, you’d come to understand, that all of this, is a part of love, holding one another tight when you two were still together, but learning to smile again, after love is over.

And so, you’d finally, healed, and, it still wasn’t easy, you’d gone through the changes, from having someone to stay with you, to show you support and love, to have NOBODY, and slowly, you will, gain that lost sense of who you are back, and stop defining yourselves in terms of the other person, and, that, is how, you will, get through this winter of break up…

 

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Filed under Being Alone, Expectations, Lessons, Loneliness/Solitude, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Relationship

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