A Stowaway

Wanting to SNAP out of the VICIOUS CYCLE of behaviors, but can’t seem to find the motivations to, translated…

Turned on the shower, I’d waited.  If there are no mishaps or accidents, a little bit later, the icy cold water should turn hot, then, I’d lifted up the showerhead, then poured the hot water onto my skin.

You feel that you’re like a pickled radish, lightly stretched out, washing away all the wrinkles, and the dust and the dirt.

Back then, you may be away from home in the dormitories, and, there may be books and homework assignments piled on your desks, waiting for you to get to; or maybe, you’re at home, and, after you’re down with your shower, you just need to curl back onto your computer desks, and, tapped the screens with your cursors a few more time, and, continued, on your soap-opera ventures.  And, the things that are pressing, that are important, and things that are pointless and wastes, are squeezed together at the other side of the doors.

But, the moment when the hot water finally comes back to cover all over you, you’d always felt, forgiven, kinda.

Everybody has a different value towards spending money, for you, you can careless about food, so long as it maintains your life and health, as for the rest, you’d saved as much as you can.  Awhile ago, the host of a show had lost money on his investments in LED, and was asked why he still spent a ton of money, taking his friends out, he’d answered, “What I’m needing in the large amounts of cash, and the smaller amounts, I don’t mind it at all.”  You’d kept wanting to try to save up some of your wages by the end of the month.  That way, you can get to enjoy a movie, buy one more book, or, have one extra outing with friends where you don’t feel so horrid about having to take money from your own wallets.

But, all of these ideals, are limited, to your “value system.”

As you’d returned to the dorm, feeling hungry, what are the ways to solve that?  One, take a hot shower, hit the sack quick; secondly, buy something you can munch on.  Is it milk?  Junk food?  Am I going to have Doritos, or chocolates tonight?  In the end, you’d bought both, it’s just the way you’d relieved your stresses, you just feel compelled to spend some money.  And so, long term, you’d cycled on this format of living, in the end, after you’d chewed out the chemical tastes you’d felt fatigued, and the spiritual foods you sought became plastic and rubber, then, you’d controlled yourselves for a short while, then, let yourselves loose again.

But this, is the miniscule kind of failure.  Naturally, there are, more painful ones.  Like your studies, your families, your interpersonal connections, the ones you can’t ungroom or untangle from.  The articles that has the guide to dissect the human emotions, the greatest negative kind is not sorrows, nor is it regret—“shame”, that, was what the article said.

It’s as if, you’d secretly understood something now, but you weren’t reminded of more.  Your days are still, lived around the orders, and, there would be mishaps, interjecting between the moments, waving their hands at you.  But, there would always be a single moment, without the need of language, symbols, or anybody around, in that almost filled with steam small enclosed space, you feel, that you’d been forgiven, once more, lightly, quietly, by the world around you.

So nice.

Even if you’re cheaper now, it’s okay too.

After you’d opened up the doors again, you tried to think on the brighter side, make yourself more energetic, that don’t lose control, buying up the snacks, don’t turn in your papers or your proposals to work late again, don’t fight with the ones you love again, you must suck it all in, and apologize first.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Who doesn’t smuggle the days like this.

And so, you still get trapped in that vicious cycle of repeated way you behaved, because even though, you’d wanted change, but, you’re NOT motivated enough to MAKE the changes to make your lives better, and so, you keep on repeating the same way of lifestyle over, over, over and over again, and in the end, you’d become, totally STUCK!

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Filed under Coping Mechanisms, Hindsight, Life, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Vicious Cycle

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