How to communicate with children, and teens, translated…
When there’s a bad relationship between parents and children, the adolescents might overreact when the parents show care and concerns, “It’s NONE of your business!”, and their reaction may upset the parents and anger them too, causing the tension to rise, and, in order to avoid immediate conflict, both sides would try to reduce the incidences of interaction, causing the two sides to become even MORE distant.
The main problem in communication is the “noises”, and the parents should do what they can, to avoid them. There are about FOUR different kinds of noises:
- Selective Cognition: the MOST important thing between the parents and the children would be the TRUST, and the parents might believe that the children have NO credibility, due to their past mistakes, and the children may believe that they couldn’t count on the parents, because the promises they failed to keep, to NEVER accept the advices of the parents again, and the past experiences thus became a “Wall of Prejudice”.
Actually, the kids will grow up, and their minds will change too, and, to have them learn from their mistakes isn’t necessarily bad, if the parents can give the kids a chance to start over, to encourage them to perform better, the behaviors of the children may well improve for the future; and the parents may also fail to keep the promises they’d made to the kids for reasons only they know, and they also MUST admit to their shortcomings to their children as well.
- Information Overload: the teenage children would often feel that the parents are nagging, that they’d keep repeating things over, over, over and over again, so, they’d just become deaf. The parents’ hearts are in a good place, trying to remind the offspring, but, in the ears of the teenagers who are working hard, to establish their own independence, they’d become cacophony.
There are many means of getting new information, the adolescents can find the information they needed easily, the parents can allow children to exercise this, and teach them how to sort through the information, to decide for themselves, if the information is correct, the parents can also share with their offspring, some high-quality websites with depth, as references that the children can find useful in life.
- Emotions: when we’re under great duress, we have a lower tolerance threshold for emotions, and, when we’d gotten into a minor disagreement with someone, we would NOT be likely to back off. Mostly, the adolescents are still very new at emotional managements, and the parents must show great tolerance, to avoid the rise in the tension in the atmosphere.
The parents must learn to read the faces of the children well, as the kids come in from school, looking off, they should NOT prod right away, instead, they should allow the children to take some time off, wait until they’re willing to talk on their own, or to talk about their own life situations first, to guide the child to get her/his emotions out. Do NOT lecture, sometimes, the child only wants to have a listener, unless, she solicits you for advice.
- Language: Thanks to the advancements of modern day technology, the world changes a lot in a day, as parents get into their midlife, they can’t manage to catch up to the children, the “Martian language” that children use with one another is incomprehensible to the parents, and the modern day parents must hone up on their imagination, and talents to, to understand their children completely.
There is a friend, with an elderly who couldn’t speak a word of Chinese, and, every time that the family is talking in Chinese and laughing, the elderly would look confused, couldn’t find a way, to interject into the conversation, and, of the members of the family, one would act as a “translator”, to help the elderly get more involved, it’s such a moving picture to see, if the parents can set a good example, and, the children will surely learn how to be kind to others as well.
The adolescent children are in a state of flux, and would struggle between independence and being reliant, they need the guidance from their school teachers, and parents too, but at the same time, they feared, that they are being controlled, and would lose their sense of independence, and, as parents, it would be hard, to know when, to give and take.
And yeah, that, is only from the angle of the parents, what about the children’s angle? It is hard, getting along with a teenager at home, but hey, that, would be you, the PARENTS’ faults, IF you didn’t put so much pressure on us kids, then, why would we overreact in our interactions with you? It still goes BOTH ways, and sometimes, when we become silent, we just want to be LEFT alone, and that, is when the parents don’t get a CLUE, and just kept pushing, pushing, pushing, AND pushing, and you blame us for blowing UP???